My not-so-secret love

And the constant war between love and hate between myself and,,,

Food (What? You thought I was going to say something else?)

Today, Thanksgiving 2013 and I'm taking it really easy. About a week and half ago, I fell and banged up my leg pretty bad. It's slow going healing-wise and today I made the decision to stay off my leg as much as possible.

That meant, not going to Boston Market to pick up lunch for the family and have lunch together. My brother hadn't planned on spending time with the family anyway ....it's just another day to them and he was going over to spend time at his friend D's.

So as he was heading out in the afternoon, I asked him if he would bring me something to eat.  I just wanted to have food I didn't cook. He stopped at Cub Foods and got me a chicken dinner from the deli. And cheesecake. Pumpkin cheesecake.

And that is where the love is...not only being grateful my brother is a good guy and helps me out every once in awhile but that I love eating already prepared foods. I love not making it myself.

The hate (maybe not quite hate) is because I know eating these kinds of foods, for the most part, are not the healthiest options for me (aka they're not vegetables, nor whole grains, nor fruit, etc.)

And while I was eating, I thought to myself "damn, I really love food."

But you know what? Instead of obsessing over the topic of eating/food/self-worth/etc. I'm going to choose to focus on other things right now.

In fact, I'm going to stop writing and I'm going to continue the Thanksgiving holiday tradition I started with myself a few years ago and watch "Home for the Holidays" with Holly Hunter, Dylan McDermott & Robert Downey Jr.

I love this movie. And the older I get the more I appreciate it and can relate to it. It's got a character who has had some setbacks, is not perfect and who has a life that's a little out of control. A character who has a family that is full of crazies that you love anyway and it has some very funny moments. And of course there's a love story too. (You know I'm a sucker for a good love story.)

And a really great soundtrack. My favorite being at the end..."The Very Thought of You" by the late great Nat King Cole.

And I want to dedicate it to a very special man...a man who loves me and makes me feel so alive and happy when we're together.

that's something I'm very thankful for right now.

Thanksgiving Eve 2013

It's probably not a bad idea to think about some things I'm thankful for right now...

1. I have a place to live and enough money to pay rent for December...on time. (It's been awhile.)
2. I have a job that I'm currently really enjoying. (It's been awhile.)
3. Neither parent (especially my mother) is in the hospital right now.
4. I have some really great people in my life.

And Thansgiving 2013 is a week from today.

Lesson to be learned by watching "Top Chef" ...

It's what you do when things go wrong that make you better.

I haven't felt like writing in awhile and it's because there are things I think about that only depress me and I don't want to share them, I'm afraid to put the thoughts and feelings out there, for anyone to see. I don't want to talk about any of the poor choices I've made.

While in the past it's been good for me to write about the things I'm grateful for when I'm needing a reminder that my life doesn't suck and that I'm not a bad person, right now that's not...where I want to go. I don't know if that makes any sense but that's the best way I can describe it right now.

I'm not myself...whoever that is.

So I'm going back into therapy. I need to get some different perspective on the state of my life and the choices I'm making. And I need to start dealing with my parent's health issues and aging. And I need to stop fighting with myself.

I admit my expectations are a bit high but I know therapy has been good for me in the past. So it's time for a tune-up.

I really love music.

Heard this tonight and it reminded me of how much I love this song...

                      ...(Song of the Moment --------------------------------------------------- >>>

"Half Of My Heart"

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart
with half of my heart

your faith is strong
but I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
but I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you [x3]
but I can't stop loving you with half of my...

half of my heart
half of my heart

half of my heart's got a real good imagination
half of my heart's got you
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that half of my heart won't do

half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything

half of my heart [x6]

Baby D

So I've not written anything for a while. Been too busy/distracted/down/tired ...pick one or pick all.

The biggest, exciting thing that has happened since the last time I posted is that there is a new love of my life...E R D. Born 24Oct2013. A week early and now a little over 2 weeks old. I met him for the first time at 3 days and WOW. I never thought I would feel that kind of love.

I've been saying to the ladies at work that I didn't really understand until now why they (and people in general) would get so ...gaga for babies and now I so get it.

He is perfect. And I get to be a part of his life...an important part of it.

I am so happy for R and K and I'm so glad she and the baby are happy and healthy.

I'm going to see him again this Sunday and I can't wait.

I knew of course that having a child changes everything but I had no idea. That there is this little person you would do anything for and would die to protect is overwhelming and intense.

I'm doing a bit of reading right now about caring for newborns...I will try to give them a bit of a break when I'm over there....take care of E (hence the research/reading) and let them nap, do some laundry and/or tidying up, etc.

Did I mention I can't wait? If they hadn't had plans for Saturday night already, I would go over on Saturday instead of Sunday but oh well.

I can't wait to snuggle and kiss him. He is so precious. Watching him grow up is going to be pure joy.

Comfort in the Past and Late Night Thoughts

It's going on 1am as I start to write this and I really should be going to bed.

But somehow, someway, I've found myself watching various musical performances on You Tube.

Starting with "Midnight City" by M83, then watching part of (if not all) a bunch of versions of "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd -videos where Bob Geldof, David Bowie and Kate Bush sang Roger Waters part and videos where Van Morrison and Eddie Vedder sang David Gilmours part. And then I of course had to check on a version done by the Scissor Sisters...

I think "Comfortably Numb" has got to be one of the greatest songs of ALL time. And the version with both Roger Waters and David Gilmour really is the best.

And then ...Tears For Fears. A band I've loved for almost 30 years, who've been part of most of my teenage years and are still a favorite today.

Ah, yes, TFF.

And so now I'm "watching" their live performance [DVD] "Going to California". I had the videotape a couple of decades ago and lent it to someone and never saw it again.

I have loved them since I was 15 years old. Since 1985. Wow. Just typing that makes me feel old.

I had heard "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" on American Bandstand and while the lyrics didn't speak to me like other pop songs did (you know, the ones that had lyrics that I could relate to as a boy-crazy teenage girl that were all literal about love and heartbreak) there was something about this song. The music and the melody was catchy. And who are we kidding, it didn't hurt they were cute and English (have I mentioned I have a thing for men from the U.K.?) ...

So with babysitting money burning a hole in my pocket, I asked my brother to stop in to our local KMart to pick up the cassette tape for me (he worked at the Wendy's right next door and was driving/had a car.)

 "Songs From The Big Chair"

While the whole cassette was filled with mostly too-deep-for-me-at-15 lyrics other than "Head Over Heels", I was crazy about their music. I had never heard anybody like them (and don't think I've really ever heard anyone else like them since, almost 30 years later.)

I was lucky enough to see them in concert.  The one time was with both Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal. (I went with.... ? Byron? Robin S.? Ack, I don't remember! but I do remember it was at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium downtown St. Paul.) Then I later saw [them?] when it was just Roland but he was still using the TFF name. (They had an ugly "break up" in the ....let's just say the 90's and then got back together for an album in the 00's and while they took another break, it wasn't a permanent one because they're finally currently working together on a new release.) (That time it was at First Ave. and while that was an awesome concert, I had a miserable time because I had bought two tickets and the person I was supposed to go with (?) couldn't go and I couldn't find anyone else last minute so I did yet another thing alone. I won't moan and groan right now about all of the many many many things I've done alone in my life because that would be A. boring and B. a rehash of the past and who needs that?)

Anyway, the particular songs on this video that make me ...swoon (there is no better word for it than that) are songs from their last release before the break-up -"Seeds of Love"; "Woman in Chains" (because I am) "Famous Last Words", "Bad Man's Song" and "Year of the Knife."

Roland Orzabal has such a powerful and sexy voice. He has the power to almost bring me to tears.

Then again it wouldn't take much right now.

It was a rough week. I found myself staying home for most of it. I just realized right now that when I do this, this not going to work thing, it's because I need to hide and be sad and not put on a "happy" face. (Why must they all ...notice my "happy" face? Why do I feel like I have to put on a happy face? Because it's what I'm known for? Hmm. Something else to think about.)

Mom went back into the hospital last week and it was really bad for about 3 days before they figured out what was wrong with her. She was in so much pain that she was literally screaming whenever she would make a move of any kind.

She went in on a Wednesday and I spent that entire first day with her and seeing her in that much pain and there being absolutely nothing I could do about it was one of the most awful experiences I've had. 

By Friday there was talk of Pop putting her out of her misery.

I had to give her some tough love and ask her to not just talk the talk with her faith but to walk the walk. She has so much faith in that religion and in ...Jehovah, well, she needed to think about what it would mean if she took her own life. She needed to put her faith in Him and ask him for help. But I also told her (and this is what got me on the edge of hysterical bawling) that I would support her whatever she wanted to do. At this point, we were all thinking they were never going to figure out what was wrong with her and she had nothing to look forward to.

They FINALLY figured out it was gout -again. But this time around, a rare kind that also affected her back and shoulders. Turns out she stopped taking her gout medicine about 4 months ago.

4 FUCKING months ago. Shit.

No wonder she's been...deteriorating. At their anniversary party she didn't get out of her chair.

She thought she didn't need to take it anymore and was tired of having to take so many pills.

She'll never do THAT again!

Anyway, she's getting better everyday and this past Tuesday they moved her into a rehab/transitional care/nursing home until she's strong enough to go home.

And we've got to get her out of there. I went for a visit on Thursday and ...maybe it's ...not a big deal, but the smell. I can't quite describe it but it's ...unpleasant. (Have I ever mentioned my overly developed sense of smell?) I spent my fair share of years around nursing homes growing up between Pop working as a nursing assistant and Mom being a social worker -both in nursing homes, not hospitals and I think I must have blocked that smell out (though just thinking about it now I'm "smelling" it.)

It was also seeing so many elderly people looking so ...old and worn down.

My mother doesn't want to end up in a nursing home and so we've got to keep encouraging her to get as strong as she can so she can do more for herself and ease the burden on Pop. (Turns out my brother being there does help but not as much as I think we'd all hoped he would.)

So it's over a week later and I'm ...exhausted. Emotionally drained.

Worrying about her overwhelms/overwhelmed me and I just shut down this week. I didn't intend to miss as much work as I did but 1 day of PTO turned into 3 and then today I took a vacation day and am feeling physically a wreck. My back and knees are not doing so well.

I have to acknowledge that emotions I've been feeling might have been amplified by the pill. I started taking it again to try to get my cycle regular (TMI, I know but tough titties, this is my blog) and if I'm figuring it out correctly (and it works within a matter of weeks) this past week would have been the week of PMS.

Either way, things are looking up and I've got to get myself back to work on Monday and let life get back to normal.

But I also need to figure out why I'm so stubborn and refuse to change my mind about things I need to re-evaluate. I'm fighting a losing battle and keep hoping things will change on their own. I am clinging so desperately on to things that aren't doing me any good in the overall grand scheme of things.

There are things I want for my life and I have a million and one excuses for why I'm not doing anything about making those things happen.

Or maybe I just need to let it all go and stop thinking so much about all that's wrong and focus on what's right and just stop worrying so much.

Or maybe a little of both. Accept what is but make some small changes? Hmm.

*sigh*

Well, it's now almost 2am and I think I'll finally call it quits.

G'night.

Just some specific song lyrics I like...

"Withdraw"

...I can't keep your loving from my mind
It's worth more than gold, crystals and pride

Oh, I can't withdraw your heart from mine
You're the one thing that sticks right onto my side
No, I can't withdraw your heart from mine
How'd I get so stuck, so stuck to your side?

No I can't withdraw your heart from mine
You're the one thing that sticks, right into my side
I can't withdraw your heart from mine."