Comfort in the Past and Late Night Thoughts

It's going on 1am as I start to write this and I really should be going to bed.

But somehow, someway, I've found myself watching various musical performances on You Tube.

Starting with "Midnight City" by M83, then watching part of (if not all) a bunch of versions of "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd -videos where Bob Geldof, David Bowie and Kate Bush sang Roger Waters part and videos where Van Morrison and Eddie Vedder sang David Gilmours part. And then I of course had to check on a version done by the Scissor Sisters...

I think "Comfortably Numb" has got to be one of the greatest songs of ALL time. And the version with both Roger Waters and David Gilmour really is the best.

And then ...Tears For Fears. A band I've loved for almost 30 years, who've been part of most of my teenage years and are still a favorite today.

Ah, yes, TFF.

And so now I'm "watching" their live performance [DVD] "Going to California". I had the videotape a couple of decades ago and lent it to someone and never saw it again.

I have loved them since I was 15 years old. Since 1985. Wow. Just typing that makes me feel old.

I had heard "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" on American Bandstand and while the lyrics didn't speak to me like other pop songs did (you know, the ones that had lyrics that I could relate to as a boy-crazy teenage girl that were all literal about love and heartbreak) there was something about this song. The music and the melody was catchy. And who are we kidding, it didn't hurt they were cute and English (have I mentioned I have a thing for men from the U.K.?) ...

So with babysitting money burning a hole in my pocket, I asked my brother to stop in to our local KMart to pick up the cassette tape for me (he worked at the Wendy's right next door and was driving/had a car.)

 "Songs From The Big Chair"

While the whole cassette was filled with mostly too-deep-for-me-at-15 lyrics other than "Head Over Heels", I was crazy about their music. I had never heard anybody like them (and don't think I've really ever heard anyone else like them since, almost 30 years later.)

I was lucky enough to see them in concert.  The one time was with both Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal. (I went with.... ? Byron? Robin S.? Ack, I don't remember! but I do remember it was at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium downtown St. Paul.) Then I later saw [them?] when it was just Roland but he was still using the TFF name. (They had an ugly "break up" in the ....let's just say the 90's and then got back together for an album in the 00's and while they took another break, it wasn't a permanent one because they're finally currently working together on a new release.) (That time it was at First Ave. and while that was an awesome concert, I had a miserable time because I had bought two tickets and the person I was supposed to go with (?) couldn't go and I couldn't find anyone else last minute so I did yet another thing alone. I won't moan and groan right now about all of the many many many things I've done alone in my life because that would be A. boring and B. a rehash of the past and who needs that?)

Anyway, the particular songs on this video that make me ...swoon (there is no better word for it than that) are songs from their last release before the break-up -"Seeds of Love"; "Woman in Chains" (because I am) "Famous Last Words", "Bad Man's Song" and "Year of the Knife."

Roland Orzabal has such a powerful and sexy voice. He has the power to almost bring me to tears.

Then again it wouldn't take much right now.

It was a rough week. I found myself staying home for most of it. I just realized right now that when I do this, this not going to work thing, it's because I need to hide and be sad and not put on a "happy" face. (Why must they all ...notice my "happy" face? Why do I feel like I have to put on a happy face? Because it's what I'm known for? Hmm. Something else to think about.)

Mom went back into the hospital last week and it was really bad for about 3 days before they figured out what was wrong with her. She was in so much pain that she was literally screaming whenever she would make a move of any kind.

She went in on a Wednesday and I spent that entire first day with her and seeing her in that much pain and there being absolutely nothing I could do about it was one of the most awful experiences I've had. 

By Friday there was talk of Pop putting her out of her misery.

I had to give her some tough love and ask her to not just talk the talk with her faith but to walk the walk. She has so much faith in that religion and in ...Jehovah, well, she needed to think about what it would mean if she took her own life. She needed to put her faith in Him and ask him for help. But I also told her (and this is what got me on the edge of hysterical bawling) that I would support her whatever she wanted to do. At this point, we were all thinking they were never going to figure out what was wrong with her and she had nothing to look forward to.

They FINALLY figured out it was gout -again. But this time around, a rare kind that also affected her back and shoulders. Turns out she stopped taking her gout medicine about 4 months ago.

4 FUCKING months ago. Shit.

No wonder she's been...deteriorating. At their anniversary party she didn't get out of her chair.

She thought she didn't need to take it anymore and was tired of having to take so many pills.

She'll never do THAT again!

Anyway, she's getting better everyday and this past Tuesday they moved her into a rehab/transitional care/nursing home until she's strong enough to go home.

And we've got to get her out of there. I went for a visit on Thursday and ...maybe it's ...not a big deal, but the smell. I can't quite describe it but it's ...unpleasant. (Have I ever mentioned my overly developed sense of smell?) I spent my fair share of years around nursing homes growing up between Pop working as a nursing assistant and Mom being a social worker -both in nursing homes, not hospitals and I think I must have blocked that smell out (though just thinking about it now I'm "smelling" it.)

It was also seeing so many elderly people looking so ...old and worn down.

My mother doesn't want to end up in a nursing home and so we've got to keep encouraging her to get as strong as she can so she can do more for herself and ease the burden on Pop. (Turns out my brother being there does help but not as much as I think we'd all hoped he would.)

So it's over a week later and I'm ...exhausted. Emotionally drained.

Worrying about her overwhelms/overwhelmed me and I just shut down this week. I didn't intend to miss as much work as I did but 1 day of PTO turned into 3 and then today I took a vacation day and am feeling physically a wreck. My back and knees are not doing so well.

I have to acknowledge that emotions I've been feeling might have been amplified by the pill. I started taking it again to try to get my cycle regular (TMI, I know but tough titties, this is my blog) and if I'm figuring it out correctly (and it works within a matter of weeks) this past week would have been the week of PMS.

Either way, things are looking up and I've got to get myself back to work on Monday and let life get back to normal.

But I also need to figure out why I'm so stubborn and refuse to change my mind about things I need to re-evaluate. I'm fighting a losing battle and keep hoping things will change on their own. I am clinging so desperately on to things that aren't doing me any good in the overall grand scheme of things.

There are things I want for my life and I have a million and one excuses for why I'm not doing anything about making those things happen.

Or maybe I just need to let it all go and stop thinking so much about all that's wrong and focus on what's right and just stop worrying so much.

Or maybe a little of both. Accept what is but make some small changes? Hmm.

*sigh*

Well, it's now almost 2am and I think I'll finally call it quits.

G'night.

Just some specific song lyrics I like...

"Withdraw"

...I can't keep your loving from my mind
It's worth more than gold, crystals and pride

Oh, I can't withdraw your heart from mine
You're the one thing that sticks right onto my side
No, I can't withdraw your heart from mine
How'd I get so stuck, so stuck to your side?

No I can't withdraw your heart from mine
You're the one thing that sticks, right into my side
I can't withdraw your heart from mine."

Going Beyond The Status Quo

Status quo is a Latin term meaning the existing state of affairs.^[1] It is a commonly used form of the original Latin "statu quo" – literally "the state in which". To maintain the status quo is to keep the things the way they presently are. The related phrase status quo ante, literally "the state in which before", means "the state of affairs that existed previously" (Wikipedia)

At one point does a person go from merely being who they are and living the life they live to changing (at least some of it) for the better?

While my life is wonderful in a lot of ways with good friends, a good job, etc., there are things that are within my control that I can do to make it better.

I'm talking about the weight thing again.

I just had a physical and since this issue has been on my mind for a little while, it of course came up in conversation with the Dr. (Well, it would have anyway considering where my weight is at these days.)

I told her that I felt it was really important that I be in control of the choices I made in eating right and losing weight. It has to be my choice all of the time to ensure that the changes I would be making would be permanent.

Consciously choosing to drink a lot more water. Choosing to not drink soda. Choosing salads and/or vegetables over chips or french fries. Choosing fruits over donuts.

I also said that losing the amount of weight that I'd like to lose seemed like an impossible dream. (It's a mountain too high to climb. A pit I've dug myself into that is too deep to get out of...)

That's really what it comes down to for me. I'm very discouraged by the enormity (pun intended) of the amount I've got to lose before I can look at myself and not turn away in ...disbelief.

If I want to do this the healthy way, we're looking at 1-2 lbs a week. And I'd like to lose about 100 so that means it's going to take me ...fuck, I hate math...I think almost a year to do that. A year. Fuck.

I guess I should maybe just go back to thinking about the "10%" goal I heard about once...that seems less daunting.

I also just might consider doing the Weight Watchers thing. Maybe.

Maybe this is the time that I finally realize that I can't do it on my own.

I guess I also need to take my own advice and just deal with it one moment at a time. One day at a time.

Oh, how I wish there really was a magic pill that would instantly melt the pounds off and keep them off. I understand why the diet industry is so huge. I understand why people would do crazy things all in the name of weight loss.

*sigh*

While I might tempted to try some quick fix...I know that it comes down to changing my eating habits and getting my butt moving. 

Happy 35th Anniversary

When my parent's had their 30th Anniversary 5 years ago I wrote them a letter to go along with the card. It was a letter about them and our family -the 4 of us. Not to brag, but it made everyone (except for my brother) cry.  (Celebrating not only their marriage but acknowledging that we also became a family was something I felt needed to be expressed and part of that celebration.)

Tomorrow, it's their 35th Anniversary. Pop has invited a bunch of people over (and most are of them are from their congregation (past and present)) over to their place for a surprise party for my mother.

And this party -it's a poetry party.  And there will be champagne (oh my!)

I think with all I've written about her, I don't think I've mentioned that among her many talents, she's a writer and that includes writing poetry. It's such a big part of who she is and it's helping her cope with the physical challenges she deals with.

I think it's a good idea that I called Pop this afternoon to because I really needed to know more details about tomorrow. It turns out it's not just going to be poetry, nibbles and champagne...he's also feeding everyone (making his delicious spaghetti.) From what I understand, there are going to be about a dozen people (if not more) there and he's going to need help BIG time.

So I'm going to do whatever I need to to help Pop set this up. (No whining allowed...Sam.)

I'm now realizing that while the impression he has given in the past has led me to think he feels trapped ...I now know that's NOT true. He really loves her. He isn't just staying because he has to. He is doing this because it's what SHE wanted to do for their anniversary.

(Note: I had called him because I wanted to ask if there might be a little time for us to have alone time, just the 3 (or 4) of us because I've been wanting to show them this thing I ...discovered last week, "Henri - Le Chat Noir". You have GOT to see this:



Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. And that's just the first one. There are quite a few more...)

OK... where was I?

Oh, yeah, the anniversary....

And I have to write a poem....

❤❤❤❤❤❤

So I'm working on my poem for the party right now.  I'm nervous about having people I used to know and care about but have lost touch with share in something so personal.

It's a poem written for them, about them, but not only them.  

I also need to admit that I'm feeling a little pressure. Pressure for it to be ...really good. My mom is a good poet and I want to impress her, them. (Impress Pop too of course. He has done a bit of writing himself and that includes poetry.)

What they think matters. And I hope they not only like it, but understand it. I want it to speak to them.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

So here it is

(Keep in mind, this is the result from being a child of Suzy Sunshine and Eeyore.)

Truly, Madly, Deeply, In Love

It's why books are written and
songs are sung.

A sweeping, grand,
all-consuming thing.

It can lift you
higher than high
and bring you to your knees
and break your heart into a tiny-million pieces
(Dramatic you say? Well I am my mother's daughter)

But it is so much more than
highs and lows,

It's feeling safe and secure
in being yourself.

It's in the looks shared
that say a thousand things without 
saying a word

It is selfless and selfish
And more precious than diamonds or pearls

It's the kiss
and in the kiss.

It's in the wanting to make someone
happy 
and holding them when they cry.

It's in surprises
and in the comfort of the familiar.

It's passionate but calm,
simple but complicated,

It's the gift that keeps on giving 
and doesn't cost a dime.

It's in the sharing of decades of 
joy
sorrow 
and everything in between. 

It's in how you feel
knowing that you're loved 
and love in return.

What a difference a day makes...

Post started writing last night...

Fuck.

Yeah, that's the title of this post.

Indulge me a little. I've got to write about this.

Ever since my last Dr. appointment where I was told I had gained almost 2 lbs since the last time I was weighed has really fucked me up.

I'm beating myself up and saying "fuck it" to even attempting to eat better, drink more water and don't even get me started on how little I am motivated to join the Y and start swimming.

While yes, portion sizes and lack of activity are probably the reasons why the gain but what about the fact that I gave up fucking soda? And I love an ice cold coke or mountain dew.

And I eat more whole grains and healthier snacks.

It feels like those things don't count ...it's all in vain.

Shit. I'm back to being obsessed with my weight and "not dieting dieting"  and I am just not feelin' any love toward my body right now.

I hate the way I look in clothes because my stomach area has gotten so ...big. (Uh, that is why...there is no other reason.) and I don't feel ...sexy or confident in my skin.

So what am I going to do about it? Bitch and moan but do nothing as usual?

Fuck.

You know...I just realized what got me thinking about this was seeing myself in the picture taken with R & K at K's baby shower last weekend...

I really don't like how big I've gotten. Oh sure, curvy is fine but I am beyond curvy and that really bothers me.

Now please indulge me in a bit more whinging (yes, whinging...I saw this word recently and decided I would add it to the "brit" list of things that I like to say/do...) ...

Why does it have to be so bloody hard to not be fat?

Well, here's a train of thought I just decided to follow....

Learning to love myself lead to losing weight?

“I love you. You are wonderful, exactly as you are right now in this moment. You are a good and wonderful person. I know your beautiful heart. It is challenging for you right now because you are coming up against a growth area for you. Just remember how beautiful you are. You will get through this. Your evolution and growth are assured. I will help you learn how to love yourself.”
(Got this from one of the results of my Google search ....hmmm.)

And this...I should do this...

"See Yourself

This exercise is a powerful way to learn how to love yourself. 

Go to a mirror and look into your eyes. Ignore whatever critical thoughts that may arise, and just focus on your eyes. Really look inside that person you see reflected there. Keep looking until you can see your tender beautiful heart."

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯                                                                                                   ☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

It's a new day. And it's a Saturday afternoon. Earlier today I went out and had brunch w/this woman KS who I used to work with at the SPCO....

She currently lives in ORF and was here for a visit and wanted to get together. So we did. She is a really nice woman (so nice I wonder what it is she sees in my because I'm not always so nice...)

But/and now I'm not thinking about all of the things I don't like about myself. 

It's the weekend and it's mine and mine alone.

I'm thinking about things I should do...laundry, sweep/mop floors, dishes, clean the bathroom and yet all I want to is just chill. And sleep.

And all that stuff I was thinking and feeling last night...well, acknowledging is the first step right?

And I can either do something about it ...and also accept it.

This is the only body I've got and it's within my power to feel better about it.

Being melodramatic or reality?

I just got back from a visit with my parent's.

Visiting them these days is emotionally exhausting and sad and messes me up but I know it's really important that I do. And I need to keep doing it.

(BTW: They were both relieved to hear that I'm choosing to stay inactive vs. disassociating myself.)

Tonight's conversation in the car on the way home once again went down a dark road (that's been when he's dropped little bombs on me like when he said he'd shoot her before he put her in a nursing home!)  Tonight Pop was saying that he thinks my mother will be dying within the next couple of years. She won't last another 10-12 years.

I hope he's wrong. Yes, she's a bit down right now...discouraged by her recent and current bout of bursitis. She hasn't been swimming for I don't know how long and that is a big thing for her. But she's holding steady weight-wise and taking her medications...and recently said her blood sugar has gone down significantly so I don't believe that she will be checking out in the next couple of years.

Yet, my mother herself has recently stated that she is spending so much time on her poems and writing because that's what she'll leave behind when she's gone.

So WTF?

I don't know what to think. I don't know if this is them both being melodramatic or it's reality and I'm just in denial...BIG time.

They're both larger than life personalities. People are drawn to them ...their wit, their humor, their love of life and their intelligence. Watching them both fall apart in various ways (Mom physically and emotionally and Pop emotionally) is the hardest thing I've ever had to do so far. 

You know what? I need to have a chat with my brother. Find out what the fuck is going on over there. The whole point of him living with them is to help take care of her, of them. (And while I'm at it, I should ask him how he is doing and coping with all of this.)

While I am off living my life, here is a big part of it that I don't pay attention to very well and now I am feeling so...helpless. Yet I'm also feeling selfish and wishing I didn't have to worry about any of this. I want to live in the times of my mind where my parents are in their 40's (or their 50's) and we were nowhere near having to deal with any of this.

How do people do this?

How do they cope? I know I need to accept that things are changing and will keep changing and I will have to face the realities of their aging and maybe eventual deaths. I guess that is just another part of being a grown up isn't it?

And it fucking sucks.

Saturdays = My Day To ...

I was so torn today between my desire to stay home, in my pj's, doing whatever the hell I wanted (or didn't want to do) and my desire to spend more time with I. She invited me to join her and the family at the Irish Fair.

I had dinner last night with her, her husband and daughter and then after dinner he took P home and I and came back here to hang out and catch up.

She was here until a little after one. It turns out we had a LOT to catch up on. And it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Then again, whenever I spend time with great people, I always have a good time. (I wonder if I need to think about the fact that I now think that I had such a good time because I got to talk about myself for part of the evening?)

So yeah...I had a chance to hang out with them and I opted not to. 

WTF?

Man. Do I really hate wearing a bra that much??

It can't just be that...seriously, it can't.