What a difference a day makes...

Post started writing last night...

Fuck.

Yeah, that's the title of this post.

Indulge me a little. I've got to write about this.

Ever since my last Dr. appointment where I was told I had gained almost 2 lbs since the last time I was weighed has really fucked me up.

I'm beating myself up and saying "fuck it" to even attempting to eat better, drink more water and don't even get me started on how little I am motivated to join the Y and start swimming.

While yes, portion sizes and lack of activity are probably the reasons why the gain but what about the fact that I gave up fucking soda? And I love an ice cold coke or mountain dew.

And I eat more whole grains and healthier snacks.

It feels like those things don't count ...it's all in vain.

Shit. I'm back to being obsessed with my weight and "not dieting dieting"  and I am just not feelin' any love toward my body right now.

I hate the way I look in clothes because my stomach area has gotten so ...big. (Uh, that is why...there is no other reason.) and I don't feel ...sexy or confident in my skin.

So what am I going to do about it? Bitch and moan but do nothing as usual?

Fuck.

You know...I just realized what got me thinking about this was seeing myself in the picture taken with R & K at K's baby shower last weekend...

I really don't like how big I've gotten. Oh sure, curvy is fine but I am beyond curvy and that really bothers me.

Now please indulge me in a bit more whinging (yes, whinging...I saw this word recently and decided I would add it to the "brit" list of things that I like to say/do...) ...

Why does it have to be so bloody hard to not be fat?

Well, here's a train of thought I just decided to follow....

Learning to love myself lead to losing weight?

“I love you. You are wonderful, exactly as you are right now in this moment. You are a good and wonderful person. I know your beautiful heart. It is challenging for you right now because you are coming up against a growth area for you. Just remember how beautiful you are. You will get through this. Your evolution and growth are assured. I will help you learn how to love yourself.”
(Got this from one of the results of my Google search ....hmmm.)

And this...I should do this...

"See Yourself

This exercise is a powerful way to learn how to love yourself. 

Go to a mirror and look into your eyes. Ignore whatever critical thoughts that may arise, and just focus on your eyes. Really look inside that person you see reflected there. Keep looking until you can see your tender beautiful heart."

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯                                                                                                   ☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

It's a new day. And it's a Saturday afternoon. Earlier today I went out and had brunch w/this woman KS who I used to work with at the SPCO....

She currently lives in ORF and was here for a visit and wanted to get together. So we did. She is a really nice woman (so nice I wonder what it is she sees in my because I'm not always so nice...)

But/and now I'm not thinking about all of the things I don't like about myself. 

It's the weekend and it's mine and mine alone.

I'm thinking about things I should do...laundry, sweep/mop floors, dishes, clean the bathroom and yet all I want to is just chill. And sleep.

And all that stuff I was thinking and feeling last night...well, acknowledging is the first step right?

And I can either do something about it ...and also accept it.

This is the only body I've got and it's within my power to feel better about it.

Being melodramatic or reality?

I just got back from a visit with my parent's.

Visiting them these days is emotionally exhausting and sad and messes me up but I know it's really important that I do. And I need to keep doing it.

(BTW: They were both relieved to hear that I'm choosing to stay inactive vs. disassociating myself.)

Tonight's conversation in the car on the way home once again went down a dark road (that's been when he's dropped little bombs on me like when he said he'd shoot her before he put her in a nursing home!)  Tonight Pop was saying that he thinks my mother will be dying within the next couple of years. She won't last another 10-12 years.

I hope he's wrong. Yes, she's a bit down right now...discouraged by her recent and current bout of bursitis. She hasn't been swimming for I don't know how long and that is a big thing for her. But she's holding steady weight-wise and taking her medications...and recently said her blood sugar has gone down significantly so I don't believe that she will be checking out in the next couple of years.

Yet, my mother herself has recently stated that she is spending so much time on her poems and writing because that's what she'll leave behind when she's gone.

So WTF?

I don't know what to think. I don't know if this is them both being melodramatic or it's reality and I'm just in denial...BIG time.

They're both larger than life personalities. People are drawn to them ...their wit, their humor, their love of life and their intelligence. Watching them both fall apart in various ways (Mom physically and emotionally and Pop emotionally) is the hardest thing I've ever had to do so far. 

You know what? I need to have a chat with my brother. Find out what the fuck is going on over there. The whole point of him living with them is to help take care of her, of them. (And while I'm at it, I should ask him how he is doing and coping with all of this.)

While I am off living my life, here is a big part of it that I don't pay attention to very well and now I am feeling so...helpless. Yet I'm also feeling selfish and wishing I didn't have to worry about any of this. I want to live in the times of my mind where my parents are in their 40's (or their 50's) and we were nowhere near having to deal with any of this.

How do people do this?

How do they cope? I know I need to accept that things are changing and will keep changing and I will have to face the realities of their aging and maybe eventual deaths. I guess that is just another part of being a grown up isn't it?

And it fucking sucks.

Saturdays = My Day To ...

I was so torn today between my desire to stay home, in my pj's, doing whatever the hell I wanted (or didn't want to do) and my desire to spend more time with I. She invited me to join her and the family at the Irish Fair.

I had dinner last night with her, her husband and daughter and then after dinner he took P home and I and came back here to hang out and catch up.

She was here until a little after one. It turns out we had a LOT to catch up on. And it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Then again, whenever I spend time with great people, I always have a good time. (I wonder if I need to think about the fact that I now think that I had such a good time because I got to talk about myself for part of the evening?)

So yeah...I had a chance to hang out with them and I opted not to. 

WTF?

Man. Do I really hate wearing a bra that much??

It can't just be that...seriously, it can't.

Parents and children

Well, that's a loaded title 'eh?

Small dramas with my parent's in the past month or so...

It probably wouldn't hurt to do a Google search on "Aging parents with some health issues" ...

I went over for a visit the weekend prior to my birthday ...brought some laundry and gave mom a foot massage.

During the visit, conversation came up and led to my telling her that it had been observed that my becoming inactive in the religion vs. disassociating myself was the...cowardly thing to do.

Days later I get a card and a letter from my mom that made me go WTF? (but also "oh geez" and *sigh*) ...she wants me to decide if I'm going to "fish or cut bait" (seriously, that's what she said) and going to step up and disassociate myself from the religion. And if I do that, then we won't have a relationship...and it would be OK if I didn't step up...things can continue the way they are.

WTF.

Well, that's what I got out of it and I've only read it once. I don't know if I want to read it again.

Then my mother calls me the other day and I let it go to voice mail since I'm getting ready to leave for work ...she leaves a message just telling me that she loves me and misses me.

WTF.

Then she calls me again...leaves another message and then is calling again and I pick it up this time. She's crying and in pain. Feeling pain in her arm. She went to a doctor and it wasn't a blood clot or anything serious but she was miserable. And she's in Rochester for the convention and she's alone, having sent Pop off to listen to talks and such. And she's telling me that she was so happy to be talking to me because I had a way of calming her down.

WTF?

And she's telling me that Pop takes such good care of her. (Uh, hmm, I guess that explains a lot about how I love it when others take care of me.) And she's telling me how much she loves me.

*sigh*

And oh by the way, did I mention she thinks Pop is displaying signs of Alzheimer's ...both of his parent's had it ...

(Google search ...signs of Alzheimer's... :( )

WTF?

Man. Reality Bites.

I tried to reach her the next day to see how she was doing but only got her voice mail. She called back and I missed the call...she left a message that she was feeling better.  Well thank god for that.

On a happier note, it's the birthday of a very special little girl...another Leo who loves a certain person as much as I do.  And having had a wonderful birthday ...month, it makes me reflect on how great it is when you have someone in your life who loves you completely and all of the good things in life and the things to be thankful for. 

And now the beginning of 43.

I am going to hold this week very close to my heart. The people I love the most showed me love BIG time. (And if there ever is a time when I get to have it all about ME guilt-free, it's my birthday!)

And what felt good was today, after the awesome week I've had that I was "paying it forward"... While I was waiting for the bus to come home from R & K's there was a woman who was also waiting for the bus who bummed a smoke (uh, yeah, let's not talk about the smoking right now) and it turns out she left her wallet somewhere and when she went back to get it, it was gone. She didn't ask but I guess I figured she didn't have any money so I gave her this a free bus ride voucher that I had in my purse that I've been carrying around (for something like this) and covered her fare on the bus we were waiting for so she could use the voucher for the next ride she needed.

Yeah, I realize it all could have been bullshit but I've recently been reminded that shit happens (including when a person is an idiot for not planning things a bit more carefully) and sometimes we all need a little help.

It felt good to help someone out, make them happy,

The week of "stay-cation" really turned out to be a great week. It wasn't that I needed to really do a whole lot of soul-searching, it was that I needed to connect with the people that I care about and care about me.

It was a perfect blend of me time and not alone time. I had Monday all to myself and Tuesday was spent with I and her sweet baby girl and Wednesday was another me day -with a quick visit with my new Dr. -who shares the same birthday as me (and did I mention the last person who cut my hair has it too?) -And Thursday...my actual birthday...

O M G

I got everything I wanted and more from B. God, I love that man so much. And when he lets me know that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him...well that just rocks my world in the best way EVER. We had breakfast and when he commented that we'd never gone out to breakfast before that was like the coolest because I love it when he makes observations about us which means he's thinking about us. (He is so good at remembering so many things about us (me :P)) Getting to spend some quality time with him was the best gift.

And then there was going to Amsterdam.

Ah, yes, my latest Amsterdam adventure.

While it didn't go quite the way I planned, I do now know that I can do it in about 24 hours ..essentially a weekend. And with very little money (as long as nothing really goes...wrong.)

I really didn't think about the reality of my every other Friday paycheck not being available when I arrived on a Friday at 6am AMS but really still Thursday 11pm US/MN time, until we landed. If I had planned a little more carefully, I would have realized that I needed to already have some cash available so that I could take the train downtown, find the coffeeshop I read about that opens at 7am, take a canal tour (they start around 9am) and be back to airport by 11/11:30 am to catch a 1:20pm flight home.

Thankfully there was free wi-fi available so I was able to change my return flight to an earlier one and come back home.

So now it just gets to be one of my travel tales where/when I'm very thankful that I work for an airline and that I was lucky enough to get business class round-trip AND there were no delays or cancellations. (And it doesn't hurt that I now have a better sense of what times are like in terms of getting through security and customs internationally/domestically which can only help me do my job better.)

Overall, the flights were good. BC is definitely nice when you're not a size 14 (ha). I was able to catch up 3 of the latest movies out on DVD -A Good Day to Die Hard, Admissions and Argo (my reviews; the first was OK but then again I'll watch almost anything Bruce Willis is in, the 2nd was really good and the last one was really REALLY good) and see at least the first episode of the past Dexter season and eat some pretty good food.

While I was pretty fried, after I got home with a couple of extra hours to spare before heading over to R & K's, I had time to come home and take a shower before meeting up with them.

It was a perfect low-key kind of night. We had been thinking of going to a movie but since it was a long week for both of them and I was completely knackered after taking these 2 international flights in 24 hours, we just had dinner in (K put together a taco dinner for us AND made cheesecake ..yum!) and rented a movie -Jack Reacher (pretty good.)

Sidebar: It (finally?) occurred to me today that when I'm done paying my loan off (the one I got for the car that I no longer have ...did I really have to put it like that??) which will happen within the next 2 months or so, that I will just have that money go directly into a savings account. It's money I've learned to live without and R says we can find a savings account to put it into that I can't touch easily so I'm not tempted by it.  (I should probably give some serious thought to why I feel the need to spend everything I've got. Maybe it feels like it's good to say yes instead of no when I want something? Hmm.)

And now back to the rest of the birthday fun with my favorite marrieds...they gave me a really great card and bought me breakfast. After breakfast, R had to get ready to work (doing his DJ thing for a wedding tonight) so K and I went for pedicures before she took me back to the transit center to catch the bus. How indulgent but fun and my feet look good for a change!

And now I'm home, reflecting on the really great week. And now it's time to start coming back down to earth and mentally gear myself up for life to go back to normal.

Work, continuing to get my financial shit together, eating better and just generally keep on keepin' on.

Does working for an airline make a person a little crazy?

It's my birthday eve and soon I will throw a load of laundry in. And then I will find a few books from the library to borrow on/for my Kindle. And then I will pack my backpack.

I'm going to go to Amsterdam for my birthday this year. Well, I'm going to fly there ...and then essentially turn around and come back. I wanted to do something where I would be treated "well" ...some fussing and fawning and special treatment. So as long as I get a seat in business class, I'm going for it. (I'm not even going to think about what else I will do if there aren't any business class seats left and I stay home.)

I am sure I should really do this properly one of these times and actually stay a couple of days (at least) but I also kind of like the "go and come right back" aspect. There's something about the "bragging" rights you get out of doing these kind of trips. I've got co-workers who do this all the time. And I get a reminder of what it's like to be a passenger and I get a reminder of why I love my job so much.  And I'm going to pray that there are no problems with the flights or weather and I get back when I'm supposed to.

I am torn about whether or not I should even attempt to go downtown or not. We arrive around 6:45am and my flight home departs at 1:20pm. I need to be back at the airport by at least 11:20am. But I want to do a canal tour and it's been my biggest regret about my previous trip...that I didn't realize I could still take one from the comfort of a heated boat in the middle of winter.

They go for about an hour and there are a ton to choose from right outside of the train station. While I usually abhor doing "touristy" things, this just seems like a perfect way to get a good, quick view of the city. (And who are we kidding, if there is any time to stop in at a coffeeshop before I board the boat, I'll take it...there is supposedly a shop really close to the train station that opens at 7am! And if the canal tours don't start until 9am, well, what's a girl to do in Amsterdam to kill a couple of hours?? :D )

It's been a really awesome birthday week so far. I got a great card (and another amazon.com gift [card]) from S. And then yesterday, Tuesday, I spent the afternoon with I and met her daughter, P, who is the sweetest little girl. We went to Como Pool and had a nice time (and I got a little bit sunburned again...what is with me and not doing better at keeping the SPF constantly on??) I'm just that much more excited to meet R & K's baby when it gets here this fall.

It's been a long time since I've been around babies/toddlers ...too many years to count, but I did OK. It was sweet that P let me hold her as much as she did and her smiles when I would twirl her around in the water just made me melt. That she liked me is awesome (why wouldn't she, I AM awesome...most of the time! :P )

Do I wish I had a baby of my own? Well, there is only one person I would want to have a baby with and if the opportunity ever presented itself, hell yeah. Otherwise, no.

In spending time with them, I did realize that yes, one has to take as much time as they can with their children while they're still young and soak up your love like a sponge.

So here I am...needing to get motivated to throw that load of laundry in the machine. And get some books to read from the library (though I'm planning on just watching a ton of movies on the plane) and think about what to bring.

I'll have to bring a few things as I won't be going home after I get back. I come back to spending some time on our monthly "date" with R & K on Friday night, then I'll just crash there for the night and then we'll do breakfast on Saturday before I finally get home. Sure, I'll be a bit jet-lagged but I'm looking forward to hanging out with them. They're good people and such dear friends.

And I'll have all day Sunday to rest and recover before back to work on Monday.

So far, so good this pseudo-staycation. And as for the soul-searching? Well, there's been a little bit and we'll see where the road takes me after this week is over.

Just a little teaser

Soul searching Day 1. Reading about volunteering.

I think I would like to do something with animals. I think Animal Ark might be a good place to start.