Good Things Happen to Good People.

A new [FB] friend just made that comment to a status update I made a little while ago.

I left my Kindle on the plane coming back from SAN on Friday (I didn't realize I had done that until Saturday night!) and just got a call today that it was turned in.

The comment about good people was posted by this man DJ I met on Wednesday in SAN. He was at the bar we were celebrating S's birthday at after seeing "Moulin Rouge" on the big screen at Birch North Park Theatre earlier that evening. We just clicked right away (or is it that he let me be me, Queen Interruptus?)

Anyway -nice and a bit...dramatic (his post on can't do anything right...) And then he made the good person comment.

Even though he just met me, I'm taking it as a compliment. :P

That is so good to hear, in light of a recent little melodrama with me and my emotional response to a message from the Birthday Boy. He told me something I did...wrong and I decided to take it badly. I was doubting my worth as a person.

But instead of continuing to be hurt by it, I'm going to use this as reminder that a person shouldn't take things personally from friends who love you and truly have your best interests at heart. I'm going to choose to feel the love and not get so defensive. I'm going to see what are some things I can get out of the experience that will help me grow as a person.

So I have mentioned that I'm on this ...learning to be a better person kick...right? And part of being a good person, to me anyway, is being unselfish. And part of being unselfish is thinking about what is someone else thinking/feeling. It's caring about what is important to someone else and wanting to make them happy.

A week ago today, I was looking forward to spending some time with some important people. People who make me want to be that better person. People who I love and for some strange reason (! :P) love me back.

Getting to spend time with people that have known me ...forever it seems ...is such a good thing. The comfort of being with those with whom you can be yourself with is a gift.

This is a another reason for me to like my life. Because I've got such great people in it. I want them to be happy too. Or at least content.

A Google search brought me to some great articles about being a good friend, how to show sincere interest in others and because there are some friendships I want to renew (and some I don't) how to end a friendship (or when it's time to know when to end one) ...good, balanced thoughts on all of the subjects. (This is why I heart Google.)

OK, now it's time to get out of my head. Though I'm not sure what to do with myself next.

Maybe just get back to getting up each and every day and focus on putting one foot in front of the other (slowly, damn these bad knees!)

And maybe time to think about finally joining the Y. (Damn those bad knees!)  Home day today. (Damn those bad knees.) I think this would be a great week to try out the fitness room in the building -see if that will be fun and interesting and helpful enough to get me motivated to start caring about my physical self again.

*sigh*

stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

A certain someone I know likes to remind me -when I forget -that my world IS a happy place.

Maybe no one else would make the choices I have but I'm sure glad of them. 

I have so fucking much to be grateful for. And not just things that I should be thankful for. Shit. Does that make sense?

It might not. I'm so ...happy right now. And I don't know where to begin.

I know so many people that are the coolest, awesome people. Friends, family, FB acquaintances, co-workers. Random strangers.

My problem isn't that I'm self-centered/involved/think I'm so wonderful, it's that I think EVERYONE is wonderful...including me.

Wait. Was that a Freudian slip ...isn't my problem that I think I'm not so wonderful and I wonder why people put up with me [if I'm so self-centered]??

Whoa. Let's just stop right there and get back to thinking about the things I'm grateful for.

*I'm grateful for profit sharing money and tax refunds that enabled to me to get some monkeys off my back, money-wise.

*I'm grateful I work for an airline -and with any luck, I'll be in San Diego 24 hours from now. S's birthday is tomorrow. He managed to get the day off and is making an event of it.

*I'm grateful I have a valentine. While I feel love all the time, from so many places in my life, there is nothing quite like someone telling you they love you on a day that is...a day they can with words, on paper. :P

*I'm grateful my parents were able to move into a new apartment, in the same building, but now on the ground floor, with a deck. (And that I didn't have to help clean the old one.)

*I'm grateful I got a chance to sit with one of the newbies at work, L, and talk to her about the job & try to give some of the benefit of my experience.. And she's a really awesome woman. I hope we'll become friends.

*I'm grateful I have my own washer and dryer. I've got to do at least one load of laundry before leaving town (need knickers.)

You know, I think Oprah was right about the whole "keeping a gratitude journal" thing. I've had diaries and journals ever since I was 10 and got my very first diary.

Ah, memories. That first one was one I got it from this woman, Pauline, who lived in the same apartment building back around Christmas, 1980. It was 5 year diary, with a lock and a key. And to me it was ...the best present I'd ever received (besides my buddy bear, but that's a post for another time). I've loved having that outlet for expressing myself since then.

Maybe that's what the new theme of the blog will be...gratitude. Daily (Weekly? Monthly?) gratitude.

it's THAT time of year again.

Thinking again about being reminded I have selfish tendencies. But what I don't get about that, this, is that I think just as highly of others as I do myself. Is the problem that I don't share that thought enough?

I'm feeling love for so many people right now. Which is fitting considering in 2 days, it's Valentine's Day 2013.

But right now, at this particular moment, I'm thinking about that love is about way way more than 1 specific day.

Love is so many different things and we experience it in so many little ways that are just as important as big ways.

Love is moving in with your parents -to help take care of them. Giving up the freedom of living alone and not having to answer to anyone. (Giving your little sister a chance to fly free.)

Love is just stopping by to see someone because you know it makes them happy to see you.

Love is having people in your life who love you exactly the way you are.


To Be Continued. 

Deep Appreciation (or aka Louis)

Next week will see the 2nd anniversary of the day I decided to end his suffering. January 21st.

He was a true companion.

But I won't go through any of that again.

Brilliant Observation or Thinking Too Hard?

This week I've been on jury duty. A fascinating but boring thing.

Yes, it can be both.

I'm having fun being off of work (but thankfully getting paid!) and getting to know some of my fellow ...what do we call ourselves? fine and upstanding citizens serving our state (government?) but the waiting around is not so fun. Totally boring. I've been resisting the urge to bring the laptop because I haven't wanted to carry it but I think I just may have to bring it tomorrow. (Just think, hours and hours of playing FarmVille 2....hmmm.) Maybe. I'm in the middle of a pretty good book so maybe the Kindle will just continue to do. I did load it up with a bunch of books from the library...

But then, the fascinating part comes in because I am finding the whole process interesting. Random strangers selected to potentially aide in someone's defense or conviction? Random strangers having an impact on the outcome for the good or the bad of the good or the bad.

So here it is, Tuesday night and I've just had a slightly ...disturbing thought. I have been "on" earlier hours this week because of the JD (was home by 3:15 this afternoon) and just tonight, just now, I'm thinking about another major reason why I don't like earlier shifts (besides the NOT having to get up so bloody early) and that is that I find having hours and hours to kill in the evening to be depressing. It's only 7:30pm. It's ONLY 7:30pm. And bedtime is hours away (going to bed earlier -tonight anyway - is not gonna happen since I took a nap this afternoon.)

If I had to work an earlier shift, I would be a very unhappy person. I never realized how much my shift was tied into my state of my mind. 

Usually when I've got hours and hours to kill in the evening all I can think about is that I feel is loneliness. Loneliness and boredom.

Hmm.

Right now, emotionally/mentally, my life is going pretty well. With the later shift, I get home too late for most weeknight activities and therefore it's an automatic reason to not feel bad (in my head that's how it goes) and I have the perfect excuse for not being sociable during the week. I get home and there's only time for a little bit of playing around online, some late dinner and then bed.

If I ever was to have a permanent earlier shift ...the thought is so terrible, I can barely stand to think about it. I think that is one of the reasons I was so unhappy in jobs past (prior to the SPCO.) and why I've been feeling better emotionally the last few years. Working 2nd shift, working weekends and now working a later M-F shift ...all mean I'm at least working instead of being by myself, during time I consider to be "prime time" when I imagine people are hanging out with their friends and/or loved ones and dwelling on the lack of a life I have.

So that begs the deeper question...is it healthy to think this way? Am I just putting a band-aid on a big, gaping wound? Is it ..wrong of me to want to live my life the way I live it which includes structuring it so that I rarely have to think about the choices I've made that have me, alone most of the time?

(What I do think is that I think I would have to have cable and become addicted to TV again :P)

So now time to turn it around and think about the good things about this life I've chosen to live. Time to focus on the the positive.

I like my life. I really do like my life. I like that I don't feel that crushing loneliness like I used to.

I like that I do what I want, when I want and that includes the occasional get together with friends (spent Friday night w/R & K and had a great time just hanging out and catching up) and the occasional surprise of getting together with an old friend. People from the past. 

I had brunch with RJ this past Sunday. Have I ever mentioned him? He was a fairly close friend -in fact I'm embarrassed to say that I should have included him in that post about the men I've had close friendships with (OK, I confess I just went to go find that post to see if I did mention him in it and I can't find the damn thing and I'm not going to spend all night looking for it. The perfectionist in me is just going to have to live with the uncertainty and know that I may be repeating something you've already read about.)

I took the bus over to Minneapolis and met up with him at a place called Muddy Waters. (Hot coffee in a glass and so-so Poutine (fries with cheese curds and gravy.))

I met him through Scott ...and it was ...shit, I can't remember....I want to say about 15 years ago. They met when Scott was in "Assassins" at the History Theatre. Also gay. He was one of the many "fags" this fag hag was spending time with in my 20's. (Gawd, that was so long ago!)

I don't remember why we drifted apart exactly but I do recall that it had something to do with my dwelling in the past too much...or something like that?

Is that right? And what the fuck?

I don't remember. And now it's not important.

We reconnected -via Words With Friends (a scrabble type game on FB) and it's the beginning of what I hope is a good friendship (again.)

He's someone that was in my life when I was ...living it. Really living it.

And I have mentioned that I'll hopefully be getting together with my friend J the weekend after next?

Another old friend who I'd lost touch with.

A friend who told me that she was diagnosed with MS this past spring. (WTF?!!!)

And then there is the plan to have a sleepover with a couple of other old friends -though still waiting on confirmation from one of them....(yes, D, I'm talking about you now that I know you still read this!)

That should be a fun evening if it actually happens. Listening to some 80's music and spending time reminiscing about when life was a lot simpler.

Ah, old friends. People who knew you when you were still trying to figure out who you are. People that you shared life-changing (or stupid depending on how you look at it) experiences with.

I think I've mentioned before that I have ...blocked ...a lot of the past out. It's been necessary to do some blocking because there's no point to dwelling on mistakes and bad things that have happened but sadly, I've also blocked out some really great memories too.

And where do you ...go...when you reconnect with old friends? Do you find out if you have anything in common? Do you find out if the other person is happy and if the life they live is fulfilling? Do you only talk about the past or can you bring that past into the future and build a new friendship out of the old?

I've met so many awesome people in my life and getting an opportunity to put them back in the picture is a gift. (It also means I didn't fuck things up beyond repair.)

So this is how it feels to be in a good mood!!

It feels like it's been forever.

And let the appreciation commence

I hung out a bit with the "gang" (the neighbors in the building that I've gotten friendly with ...the couples.) and I am going to observe them. I find other couples fascinating. I think it will be helpful for me to pay attention to others for a change.

Ha!

I mean, geez, did I really just type that?

We'll see if this post ever gets published is all I'm saying.