That's Heavy, Man Part II/End

OK, now where was I?

Oh, that's right. Things I was grateful for in 2012:

6. That while my apartment isn't fancy, it's filled with things I love.
7. That's I've met some cool people in this part of town. That I'm a social person in this town (according to me anyway! :P ) even if it's only to have made new, in person, acquaintances.
8. That I've had a steady supply of ...happy.
9. That I've got some really great co-workers. God, without great people around you at a place you spend a 1/4 of your life at -ugh, don't even want to think about it.
10. That I've had some small adventures.
11.  That Ryan and Kari got married. And they're so great together and I'm really happy they found someone who loves them exactly as they are (and I know what that feels like.)
12. I love the remote for my iPod. 2 of the many electronic devices I'm glad were invented.
13. I'm grateful for this ...having this blog. I've finally really realized I do this to hear myself talk.
14. I'm grateful the bus is only a block away. Purposely planned that. That is main criteria for living with/on public transportation. It sometimes takes everything I've got to get up and go to the job I mostly like and knowing I only have a block to go when it's cold out is great. 
15. I've been loving that I have so much music on said iPod. I hope my neighbors don't mind the volume I play music. Shit. I wonder if I should say something ...I've actually been wondering about that. Oooh, good, another subject to Google. ...OK, I'm back. And think it will be a good idea to slip 'em a note -on a happy new year card. Maybe.

 And I just moved my iPod boom-box. To the window.

16. cobornsdelivers.com. I love love love that I can have groceries delivered. Again, all part of that living on public transportation thing.
17. internet access in the lobby. Though I feel self-conscious when I'm down there because I'm the only one I've ever seen use it, except for a neighbor, Colleen, once. 
18. My phone. I love my phone.
19. Love I have in my life. A love like I've never known before.

And so many many other things.

Letter to Mom Part II/End.

So where were we?

That's right. You were in the hospital. And now you're back home.

I just sent you a text -now that I know you know how. Trust me, it's a good thing. I'll stay in better touch with you if you text. Sorry to say it, but texting has become my favorite way to communicate. I only do it with certain people -the people, the friends I'm closest with in life.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I tried to mix the two. I mean, the friends I have at this stage in my life have never met you. And I'm soooo the product of you both.

Anyway -where was I? Oh yeah, the text I sent you ..I told you that I'm happy you survived another hospital stay.

And that I'm not ready to lose you. I'll never be ready to lose you. As much as we're different and we've had our ups and downs, you're ...mommy.

I can't stand the thought of losing you. I get why Pop thinks life would be unbearable without you and I agree 100%.  Dammit, I didn't want to cry.

I guess the only good thing to come out of these ...experiences is that I'm reminded I need to be a grateful daughter.

And be grateful for both of you.

OK, enough with that.

You've got another chance to do it right. Or do I mean again. You're smart and this would be a good time to be stubborn. And I could do with the example to eat better and be active. We both have these bodies that challenge us but we cannot let that stop us can we?

I really would love to live closer to you guys ...like a block away. Walking distance basically. Someday maybe.

Anyway, this has gone on long enough and I'll just say that I love you and will say a prayer of thanks.

Kristi

That's Heavy, Man.

Why oh why am feeling so bummed out lately? I'm not remembering of all the things I'm grateful for and only dwelling on the sad.

Hmm. Reflective post due to the approaching new year? Maybe.

Saw SD today. He's started seeing someone. I admit I was dreading this day. Even though I knew we were ever only going to be friends and that feels like something I've been through a millions times over and that's that they ALL end up being only friends, not my love. Starting with my love -a love that really isn't mine.

OK, OK, time to start focusing on the positive - in the form of the things I was grateful for in 2012.

In no particular order:

1. I still have a job that I mostly like.
2. I have a great roof over my head -even if it's out of my price range.
3. I've got really really good friends -the absolute best. (You know who you are.)
4. My mother has survived yet another hospital stay. God. I am so fucking grateful for that. I'm so NOT ready to lose her.

to be continued! Have to finish the letter to her!

Letter to Mom

Hi Mom,

You're in the hospital again.

*sigh* (sad and deep.)

Tonight after I got home from seeing you, I had this crazy idea. Since you don't get to read my writing very often I thought I'd write you a letter. For some reason it's important to me that you read MY writing for a change. I want you to read my words and be proud of me. (Oh, I know you're proud of me but I want you to be proud of something outside of my being your daughter.)

It's been a rough year for you. I can't even imagine having to deal with the pain and suffering you've been experiencing.

I find myself wanting to learn everything I can about the latest news -diabetes. I've already started doing some Googling about it. I'm reading encouraging things.

You said tonight that people comment about how they admire your willingness to keep going and I agree with them 100%. I know it's not always easy, but one of the many things I love about you is that you aren't giving up. You have survived so much shit in your life.

You deserve a break and you just don't seem to be getting one do you?

So while I think the rest of this may attempt to focus on appreciating all of the wonderful things you've got in your life, I think it's only fair (and dare I say healthy?) to go ahead and have a good old tantrum and rage against how unfair it is. Especially since you've been working hard on eating better and staying active.

Go ahead. I'll wait. Scream, cry, bitch, whine, moan...wail to the heavens above about how much more do you have to endure. (Um, I guess we could call this your Jobs wife (?) moment because he stayed chill right?)

It's not fair. I'm beyond pissed that all of this is happening to you. You're my mommy. You're my beautiful, interesting, intelligent, young, beautiful mommy. You're far from perfect -like the rest of us -but you're one of the most the fascinating women I've ever known.

So  here's some good news about diabetes.

Diabetes is not a death sentence, Far from it. It takes work to know what it's all about and self-discipline to make it something you can live with, but it's totally doable.

I realize, this may end up being just like the congestive heart failure diagnosis and you're going to be tired of hearing about it, thinking about it and talking about it ...but here's the thing. YOU have to learn about it. YOU have to be the one in control of it.

Pop needs your help. He'll need you to say, no, I shouldn't be having this, I should have that instead.

There are so many reasons for you to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. It's just you and it. And it was created as a one of kind. It's the only one you were given.

(to be continued...)

Yup, I love living here.

Last night went to a small party hosted by some neighbors on the 4th Floor. I was nervous about going but it was fine. It was great. I got to know some new people and made some new friends (I hope!)
 
Today's thoughts on the event are related to party (pot-luck) etiquette. I had brought some snacks along with some booze and at the end of the night, I asked if it would be OK if I brought home some of my leftovers. I was told yeah so I did. But today I'm wondering if that was rude or not.

My FB friend request was accepted by the hostess (and a couple of the other attendees) and so I'm hoping that means that they didn't think me rude for asking.

I also didn't take all of my leftovers.

From what I read after my Google search on the topic, I think it was OK, especially since I did ask first.

Anyway, my next thought is that one of the women suggested we make this getting together a regular thing and even recommended a game night downstairs in the lobby.

I'm totally loving that idea but am scared to ask about making it a reality because I wouldn't want to be turned down. ...and why do I fear that? Why am I so afraid of rejection? It hasn't killed me ...yet. I also don't want to appear ...needy or lonely. Though would I?

I may be a bit (!) self-involved but I find other people fascinating, cool and generally awesome. I found my neighbors to be that way. Funny, energetic, sarcastic... and damn interesting.

---

The holidays are here again. And that means special times with special friends. It means lots of good food. It means dreading New Years Eve not being to kiss who I want at Midnight. It means seeing the tree lights making the trees look so pretty.

This year, I won't be exchanging presents with anyone and that's OK. I'm going to be giving out cards though. I've missed giving out cards -sending out cards. In this lovely day and age of FB, email and texting, I just haven't been bothering.  Yeah, maybe it shouldn't be around the holidays...it should be whenever I feel like (or at least the birthdays!) but what the hell. I got one from Sarah at work and I thought it was the coolest thing. And there are people I want to let know how much they mean to me.

Exciting!

Just got my very first summons for jury duty and I'm excited! I love having new things to look forward to ..

I. Am. So. Tired.

So I met up w/the guy at the Y.

5 days to try.

Swim. Machine.

Sigh.

Swim.

So tired I could die.

OK, that last line is a wee bit melodramatic but honestly, I'm so tired. I swam the first day...afterward ended up taking a 3 hour nap.

Then last night was this sit-down elliptical machine and lifting some little 5 lb weights and then tonight, swimming again.

Feels good to be this kind of tired.

As much as I want to figure out how to make the membership fee work with my budget -with a scholarship I'm looking at only $25 to join and a monthly amount of $39, I think I'm going to have to hold off. I just really shouldn't do this right now. I believe what is in the fitness room in my building is regular elliptical machines and those will just have to do until I can afford the Y.

Time for bed now.