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Did you know I have another blog? The one I don't share with anyone? Yup. I call it "Another Side of Me" and it's one I created to have an outlet for all of my "bad" sides. The one that whines. The one that is bitchy. The one who does horrible things. The one who is naughty. I haven't wanted to share those particular sides of myself here. I've been wanting this one to be where I was the witty, intelligent...work in progress. And show myself as a ...interesting, mature, semi-good girl.

But now it's feeling like I'm not being completely honest about all of me. I've got a dark side and why am I trying to hide it? I'm an imperfect, contradictory, sometimes slightly psycho mess. 

So let me tell you a little bit about dark "Sam". She doesn't always do the right thing. She doesn't always make the right, responsible choice.

E.g. has been sick but took advantage and took a whole fucking week off of work when it wasn't quite necessary.

E.g. is barely hanging on financially.  Well, this maybe isn't news. I've alluded to my money woes before. But I really am in deep shit. I love love my apartment but I bit off more than I could chew in keeping up with the rent.

And then there's my love life. (And I use the word love very loosely!)

I met a guy online and on the 2nd "date" (coffee meet does so count as date #1) had him back to my apartment and there was some naked play time. And this is the 2nd man I've been sexual with, right away, in the course of the past few months. (Not that being sexual is a problem, it's that I'm OK with having multiple partners because I would have been quite happy to have both of these D's in my life and have sex with both of them...not at the same time ...well...hmm, that's a whole 'nother post isn't it? My kinky side) and he's the 2nd man I've met online that I've had ...an adventure with.

The first being SD. I never told you how we met (or did I?) Yup, met him online and we really connected ...(he wrote GREAT emails!) ...and he's a great kisser. Then after we'd had sex 3 times, he sent an email saying not wanting to date...am bigger woman than he usually dates.  Call me...not surprised. Takes a special man to appreciate the outer package. I was hurt of course at the time but having been in this situation before, well, let's just say I survived. (Didn't hurt I've got really great friends to remind me that I'm quite desirable thank you very much!)

My choosing to be friends with him...eventually...after the fact was largely based on the fact that we DID have a great connection. And we have a lot of things in common...some shared...interests. Writing, music, weed.  Yes, I said it. Weed. As if you haven't known that some of these posts were written while I was in ...another state of mind.

Our hanging out after that ...has included sex. (Call me totally shocked that it even happened in the first place!) So now we're friends ...with occasional benefits. Or at least we were. Until I sent a suggestive email and tried to kick that part of our friendship up a notch. (Gawd, why did I have to use that expression?) Now we don't talk as much. I'm trying to leave him be so I don't "smother" him.

So a couple of weeks ago I think to myself, I need to put myself back out there and meet some new people (this woman has needs!)

So I did. Hello POF (that's plenty of fish for y'all that don't know) and that was a... disaster.  Just another bunch of men who are really mostly looking for only one thing. And while I'm looking for that too, I want to be wooed a little first. I want someone who wants to spend a little time getting to know each other before the conversation even turns to sex, let alone to having it. (That I've been not following any of the good girl "rules" and have been giving away the milk for free probably is a whole 'nother topic of conversation that I won't delve into right now.) 

There had been another D I had corresponded with the last time I had a profile "up". Nothing ever came of those emails. The one time we were supposed to meet, I chickened out (then again it was around the time that the whole thing with SD went down... the bad part) He found me on POF and after a couple of emails, we finally just agreed to meet up. He was more open this time about his interest in ...shall we just say it? Light (?!) BDSM. (He now shall be referred to as DD.) I had no problem with that.

My initial overall reaction to DD was...favorable. I was hoping he would want to see me again. Though I remember his hands being ...odd. Seriously, it was all I could think about and talk about. (Little did I know those hands would be fucking magic!)

Anyway, we finally got together again this past Friday...a week ago today and while it might have gone tits up because he was late, really late in meeting up with me, I decided to not be a bitch (I had been running late when we met initially) ...and I was really quite intrigued by the thought of really exploring the lighter side of it. (Blindfolds? Being tied up? Light spanking? Hell yeah!) (Uh, it's probably a good thing my mother doesn't read this.)

We had a slice of pizza at Cossetta's, then went across the street to McGoverns for a drink (or two) and more conversation.

Now here is the thing about ...dating. How the hell do you be yourself when you've finally FINALLY become comfortable with who that is?  How do you not say too much? How do you not be too honest?

*sigh*

Dating. What a racket. Putting on make-up and putting on the "look at how witty and charming I am, while still being a really cool, open-mined woman" face.

Anyway, I let him give me a ride home and invited him up. I thought in light of his interests, he might enjoy watching "Secretary" ...well, we started watching it and that's when I discovered the magic hands. And then I discovered he was a terrible kisser. At least certainly we were not compatible in that area. (And let's not even talk about the unhappy surprise when I finally saw his equipment. Total opposite of SD. Oh, I didn't mention SD was blessed in that regard? :P )

But we got naked and we played. We didn't go ...all the way ....but that was fine. I was sure it was part of his ..."leave them wanting more" game. (Though he said it was because we didn't know each other very well. At the time, I thought sweet but upon reflection, think stupid because getting naked with someone is also quite an intimate act thank you very much.)

He left about 4 a.m. and I spent the weekend ...wound up.

And I haven't heard from him since. So fuck him of course. But fuck. Though I think I do prefer the disappearing act to the honest email.

I decided to see what other kind of "fish" were out there (get it? he he) and not judge all by the 1 and was chatting with some guy Jay ...who ended up sending me a picture that was giving me a peek of his equipment. Our chat had gotten a bit out of control (how can you have sexy conversations with someone you haven't even met yet??? I just don't get it.)

That was the last straw for me. 

So here I am. I took the ad down and am now just back to ...this life. But I also decided again that it really was time to focus on me again. At least start that trial membership at the Y.  Get together with friends.

And then I got sick (being punished for my slutty ways?)

The other problem with dating though is that while I may want a relationship unlike what I'm used to ...want a partner in crime to have adventures big and small with, I am not emotionally available. My heart still belongs to another.

Once you get a taste of being loved as yourself, 100% yourself, it's hard to settle for less than that.

I've known love that accepts me, flaws and all. I've known a love that when I'm with that person I feel like I'm "Sam" 2.0. A better version of me. A wittier, sexier version of me. A deep love that, while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, is real and true.

I also ...really really like MY time. Selfish maybe but I guess that's what happens when you spend years not having to answer to anybody but yourself.

So those are just some of the things I've been not sharing here.

So it's time I stop trying to act like I've got it all together (oh wait, I know I haven't been giving THAT impression!) ...it's time I write about some of the realities.

There are still plenty of things to be thankful for... and I will just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other as I've been doing and not get bogged down in my failures and mistakes.

(Yeah right.)

Making Friends part II

So SD and I hung out on Friday night.

This first time post-wedding. (And he was the one who initiated!)

I was glad I remembered to thank him for being such a great wedding date. 

And then I got...nervous. And found myself unable to fully concentrate on the conversation at times.

And then I started to think about that it's really quite something to be getting to know someone else. Finding out if they keep their word in keeping the "date".  Finding out what they like on their pizza. Finding out how their sense of humor is. Finding out if they're critical or accepting. Finding out what they like. Finding out where they've lived.

It's making me appreciate my "old" friends in a new way.  I know they are worth everything.

While I may come across as a bit self-involved, they're great enough to still like hanging out with me!  They're so easy to be with and I can truly be myself.  Ryan and Scotty (and yes, B) have definitely made that a reality (Lucky me.)

I hope I'll get there with SD.

A Change Will Do You Good

While maybe that should be the song of the month, I've opted for the one over there ------------- >

I get a kick out of that part of my blog. I wonder if I shouldn't look at some of the new "gadgets" and see if there is anything new and fun out there.... hmmmm, maybe.

A friend of mine recently told me I should ...what was it they said? Cheer up? These posts have been a bit depressing lately.  My initial reaction was ...WTF? But they're right. They're always right.

*Sigh*

I've just let so many things go lately and I don't like feeling like I've lost control of my life.

But they're right in that it's probably time to remind myself of how good I've got it.

I've still got a lot of things to be thankful for. So now, the list of things I'm grateful for (in no particular order);

1. A roof over my head...a roof that I love.
2. A job. Talking to others about why I like my job was kinda scary but fun. Scary because I've not been very talkative outside of my job very much lately. Fun in that it was good for me to remind myself of why I do like my job.  I like it very much.
3. Good friends ....finally have a date set to watch "Kingpin" with R and K.
4. Hope...a tiny bit of hope....that maybe I can get some assistance in climbing out of the financial tar pit I've been stuck in for a while now.
5. A helping hand out of that tar pit...
6. My mother is holding steady health-wise... at least she was the last time I saw her. (Though we are overdue for a phone conversation.)
7. A smartphone.
8. My ipod which is full of so much damn good music.
9. Dear friends in warm places who take really good care of me when I visit. Scotty was totally my benefactor during my last visit. I can never repay him enough for his generous soul.
10. A job that enabled me to fly FREE back and forth to see Scotty.
11. Free library books for the Kindle.

Well, those are the things that come to mind right away, right now.

Just gonna have to keep on keepin' on. (OK, now I think I'm gonna watch "Joe Dirt".)

Being Honest With Myself

What a crap weekend. I've got a cold and feel fucking miserable. And while I'm stewing in my misery I can't help but think about how my life is out of control in certain areas.

But first, acknowledgement that my life doesn't completely suck. That, for the most part, I've got a lot going for me. I was able to get back and forth to CA last weekend and spent an awesome weekend with Scotty.  He's a generous, loving, accepting soul and I'm glad we've managed to preserve the friendship as long as we have despite some small bumps in the road.

Yet, the visit with him, was also me running away from all of the things weighing me down right now. Literally and figuratively.

I was supposed to get back on the bandwagon in terms of taking better care of myself physically and I've basically said "fuck that" the last few weeks.

Oh not totally but enough to feel discouraged. To say "why bother?" It's a fucking mountain I've got to climb and the one step, one thing at a time approach just seems pointless.

This cold is a direct result of throwing in the towel. I spent the last week not getting enough sleep, not taking my daily vitamin and not drinking any water.

Yet I'm still obsessing over what to eat  (veggies, fruit!), not eat (fast food, processed foods), drink (water, water, water) and not drink (soda.)  I can't stop thinking about making better choices but then continue to make some bad ones.

And then there's worrying about money. When I'm not thinking about my health and weight, I'm thinking about how I'm thinking that I shouldn't have taken this apartment. I love it but affording it and trying to have a life too is a struggle most of the time. (I am getting raises in January but what good is more money when I can't manage it better?)

And then there is acknowledging that SD is really only going to be a very casual friend that I won't spend time with very often.  It was good that I had a date for R & K's wedding but my expectations for spending time together after that were misplaced and it makes me sad because we've got shared interests and I feel very comfortable with him.

*Sigh*

I guess I just need to get my shit together don't I? Taking back control of my health and finances IS doable. I just have to focus on not wanting to feel this out of control again and do what I can to avoid it. It means self-discipline and some sacrifices.

Fuck.

Sometimes I really hate being a grown-up.

Filler, nostalgia and babbling.

Tonight, Monday night. Long day.

Letting the colder weather get to me.  Not feeling motivated to be going, going, going.

Thinking too much about things…e.g. men from my past. Thinking it might be an interesting series of posts…to talk about some of the men I’ve known and my relationships with them. Most of my significant adult relationships have been with men…? (Lemme think about this for a minute….)

BV, EB, SC, JC, B, RD...

(Women: uh, nope can’t think of any on the same level as the men…the women are from childhood, adolescence and young adulthood….hmmm, that’s interesting in itself isn’t it? DDC, JS(JA)…)

Anyway, the reason I was just thinking about this especially now is because BV, my first, had a birthday this past weekend. And since I moved into my apartment, I’ve been only listening to my ipod and without the car, no radio…and it’s been mostly on “shuffle” …no playlist, just shuffle. 

Listening to an ipod that has over 5,000 songs on it. Songs I’ve collected that were from or remind me of certain times of life (and songs I like/love of course too) and there are lots of songs …

from the BV years. 

Sinead O’Connor, the B-52’s, Cocteau Twins and Voice of the Beehive. Oh and the Sugarcubes.

And I’m thinking about SC, who I am hopefully going to be visiting this weekend.  

And RD, who just got married a little over a week ago. 

And now though I’m wondering if I really should write about the relationship/friendship. Is it enough that I just acknowledge that there have been several significant relationships with men in my past? 

Maybe I should think about lessons learned in those relationships to help me navigate the new …friendship I’m developing with SD. I’m having a hard time relaxing and letting things just unfold as they will. 

And how do you just be yourself and yet not be????

Fuck.

I am probably just outright thinking too much.

(Really, you think?)

back on the wagon

OK so now that I've had an exciting weekend...I can get back to the life I'm living where I focus on drinking more water, eating better food and keeping active because that's my new life now. And it's gotta be done.

So how cool is it that I am actually doing this post from/with this phone?

Laters baby.

P.S. I realized that if SD keeps saying "yes" then I'm finally going to be convinced that we're really friends.

because of course this blog is all about me.

Um, so have I mentioned that I've made a new friend?

How we met is another post for another time....maybe.

Who he is it what I'll be writing about -at times. 

He's a writer too. We made a pact over drinks to never read each others stuff -because then we felt that we'd be inhibited and not our be our true selves.  (OK, this was my suggestion.)

I totally get it.

It takes a lot of courage to be your true self in front of others.

Ryan and Kari got married this past Friday.

My new friend, let's call him, SD, went with me.

And a big thing I'm taking away from the experience is that when you find someone you can be your true self with, then you've found a soul mate. Someone you're not afraid to be yourself in front of. No self-consciousness, no insecurities. That, I think is my definition of a soul mate and isn't necessarily only for those you're romantically involved with.

I've been lucky to find that so far twice in my life and one of those times is with Ryan (the other person knows I feel this way about them.) I'm so happy he found a soul mate for himself and got to marry her.

So going to a wedding is definitely an interesting experience to share with another person.

Seeing how they dress, present themselves, interact with your friends and generally behave is an educational experience.

I was lucky that he dressed appropriately, was attentive enough to me that I felt like I was with a real date and fun enough that I think they liked him.

SD and I haven't known each other long. Our beginning was ...hmm, what's the word I'm looking for... intense.

And we're in that getting-to-really-know-you stage that is the move from oh-you to this-is-a-real-friend.

And it was the hardest thing to do to try to be myself yet not be.

I live in fear of being ...left and I need to do something about that.

I don't want people to stay with me because they just don't want to hurt me.

I mean, maybe while that's a noble thing to do, it's just that I'd rather that someone be spending time with me because they enjoy my company and what I have to contribute to being a good person to spend time with.

So to the point...

I hope that SD and I really will be friends.