A Change Will Do You Good

While maybe that should be the song of the month, I've opted for the one over there ------------- >

I get a kick out of that part of my blog. I wonder if I shouldn't look at some of the new "gadgets" and see if there is anything new and fun out there.... hmmmm, maybe.

A friend of mine recently told me I should ...what was it they said? Cheer up? These posts have been a bit depressing lately.  My initial reaction was ...WTF? But they're right. They're always right.

*Sigh*

I've just let so many things go lately and I don't like feeling like I've lost control of my life.

But they're right in that it's probably time to remind myself of how good I've got it.

I've still got a lot of things to be thankful for. So now, the list of things I'm grateful for (in no particular order);

1. A roof over my head...a roof that I love.
2. A job. Talking to others about why I like my job was kinda scary but fun. Scary because I've not been very talkative outside of my job very much lately. Fun in that it was good for me to remind myself of why I do like my job.  I like it very much.
3. Good friends ....finally have a date set to watch "Kingpin" with R and K.
4. Hope...a tiny bit of hope....that maybe I can get some assistance in climbing out of the financial tar pit I've been stuck in for a while now.
5. A helping hand out of that tar pit...
6. My mother is holding steady health-wise... at least she was the last time I saw her. (Though we are overdue for a phone conversation.)
7. A smartphone.
8. My ipod which is full of so much damn good music.
9. Dear friends in warm places who take really good care of me when I visit. Scotty was totally my benefactor during my last visit. I can never repay him enough for his generous soul.
10. A job that enabled me to fly FREE back and forth to see Scotty.
11. Free library books for the Kindle.

Well, those are the things that come to mind right away, right now.

Just gonna have to keep on keepin' on. (OK, now I think I'm gonna watch "Joe Dirt".)

Being Honest With Myself

What a crap weekend. I've got a cold and feel fucking miserable. And while I'm stewing in my misery I can't help but think about how my life is out of control in certain areas.

But first, acknowledgement that my life doesn't completely suck. That, for the most part, I've got a lot going for me. I was able to get back and forth to CA last weekend and spent an awesome weekend with Scotty.  He's a generous, loving, accepting soul and I'm glad we've managed to preserve the friendship as long as we have despite some small bumps in the road.

Yet, the visit with him, was also me running away from all of the things weighing me down right now. Literally and figuratively.

I was supposed to get back on the bandwagon in terms of taking better care of myself physically and I've basically said "fuck that" the last few weeks.

Oh not totally but enough to feel discouraged. To say "why bother?" It's a fucking mountain I've got to climb and the one step, one thing at a time approach just seems pointless.

This cold is a direct result of throwing in the towel. I spent the last week not getting enough sleep, not taking my daily vitamin and not drinking any water.

Yet I'm still obsessing over what to eat  (veggies, fruit!), not eat (fast food, processed foods), drink (water, water, water) and not drink (soda.)  I can't stop thinking about making better choices but then continue to make some bad ones.

And then there's worrying about money. When I'm not thinking about my health and weight, I'm thinking about how I'm thinking that I shouldn't have taken this apartment. I love it but affording it and trying to have a life too is a struggle most of the time. (I am getting raises in January but what good is more money when I can't manage it better?)

And then there is acknowledging that SD is really only going to be a very casual friend that I won't spend time with very often.  It was good that I had a date for R & K's wedding but my expectations for spending time together after that were misplaced and it makes me sad because we've got shared interests and I feel very comfortable with him.

*Sigh*

I guess I just need to get my shit together don't I? Taking back control of my health and finances IS doable. I just have to focus on not wanting to feel this out of control again and do what I can to avoid it. It means self-discipline and some sacrifices.

Fuck.

Sometimes I really hate being a grown-up.

Filler, nostalgia and babbling.

Tonight, Monday night. Long day.

Letting the colder weather get to me.  Not feeling motivated to be going, going, going.

Thinking too much about things…e.g. men from my past. Thinking it might be an interesting series of posts…to talk about some of the men I’ve known and my relationships with them. Most of my significant adult relationships have been with men…? (Lemme think about this for a minute….)

BV, EB, SC, JC, B, RD...

(Women: uh, nope can’t think of any on the same level as the men…the women are from childhood, adolescence and young adulthood….hmmm, that’s interesting in itself isn’t it? DDC, JS(JA)…)

Anyway, the reason I was just thinking about this especially now is because BV, my first, had a birthday this past weekend. And since I moved into my apartment, I’ve been only listening to my ipod and without the car, no radio…and it’s been mostly on “shuffle” …no playlist, just shuffle. 

Listening to an ipod that has over 5,000 songs on it. Songs I’ve collected that were from or remind me of certain times of life (and songs I like/love of course too) and there are lots of songs …

from the BV years. 

Sinead O’Connor, the B-52’s, Cocteau Twins and Voice of the Beehive. Oh and the Sugarcubes.

And I’m thinking about SC, who I am hopefully going to be visiting this weekend.  

And RD, who just got married a little over a week ago. 

And now though I’m wondering if I really should write about the relationship/friendship. Is it enough that I just acknowledge that there have been several significant relationships with men in my past? 

Maybe I should think about lessons learned in those relationships to help me navigate the new …friendship I’m developing with SD. I’m having a hard time relaxing and letting things just unfold as they will. 

And how do you just be yourself and yet not be????

Fuck.

I am probably just outright thinking too much.

(Really, you think?)

back on the wagon

OK so now that I've had an exciting weekend...I can get back to the life I'm living where I focus on drinking more water, eating better food and keeping active because that's my new life now. And it's gotta be done.

So how cool is it that I am actually doing this post from/with this phone?

Laters baby.

P.S. I realized that if SD keeps saying "yes" then I'm finally going to be convinced that we're really friends.

because of course this blog is all about me.

Um, so have I mentioned that I've made a new friend?

How we met is another post for another time....maybe.

Who he is it what I'll be writing about -at times. 

He's a writer too. We made a pact over drinks to never read each others stuff -because then we felt that we'd be inhibited and not our be our true selves.  (OK, this was my suggestion.)

I totally get it.

It takes a lot of courage to be your true self in front of others.

Ryan and Kari got married this past Friday.

My new friend, let's call him, SD, went with me.

And a big thing I'm taking away from the experience is that when you find someone you can be your true self with, then you've found a soul mate. Someone you're not afraid to be yourself in front of. No self-consciousness, no insecurities. That, I think is my definition of a soul mate and isn't necessarily only for those you're romantically involved with.

I've been lucky to find that so far twice in my life and one of those times is with Ryan (the other person knows I feel this way about them.) I'm so happy he found a soul mate for himself and got to marry her.

So going to a wedding is definitely an interesting experience to share with another person.

Seeing how they dress, present themselves, interact with your friends and generally behave is an educational experience.

I was lucky that he dressed appropriately, was attentive enough to me that I felt like I was with a real date and fun enough that I think they liked him.

SD and I haven't known each other long. Our beginning was ...hmm, what's the word I'm looking for... intense.

And we're in that getting-to-really-know-you stage that is the move from oh-you to this-is-a-real-friend.

And it was the hardest thing to do to try to be myself yet not be.

I live in fear of being ...left and I need to do something about that.

I don't want people to stay with me because they just don't want to hurt me.

I mean, maybe while that's a noble thing to do, it's just that I'd rather that someone be spending time with me because they enjoy my company and what I have to contribute to being a good person to spend time with.

So to the point...

I hope that SD and I really will be friends.

New apartment, new body?

So the new life consists of a whole new way of getting around. Carless. 

And I sold the car. So now it's not even an option.

So it’s just me and my old friend, the bus, again. We spent a lot of years together. I think it’s interesting that I am trying to recreate things that happened when I was younger (getting a bad sunburn, riding the bus). Yet, I don’t feel like it’s a bad thing to be re-living these experiences. 

When I was younger I was more engaged with the world at large. 

I was fairly active. 

I need to be active again.

After having spent the last 4 months eating WAY less fast food and walking a bit more (and taking some stairs) I was stunned to find out that I’ve only lost 3 lbs since my last doctor visit which was in February (tbc). ONLY. 

Now y’all know how I feel about the whole issue of diet, etc. but it turns out it really is about being healthier. I am taking a cold, hard look at my physical self. I need to do more than be comfortable in my skin. I need to make this body work better for me. 

And I need to not worry that I will lose my …identity if I lose weight. I’m known for more than being that …really fat girl. 

Hmm. Fat girl.  Should I be one of those people that are brave enough to say I’m fat with pride? 

Anyway, so the plan (action!!!!!) includes using the fitness room when it’s finally done/open here in my building. And swimming. There is a Y a block away. I mean c’mon, how much fucking easier can it get? 

I’ve been going back to Physical Therapy (did I mention I went once a week for about 2 ½ months this past spring) because it helped. I’m now hoping it is the bridge between the body I have and the body I want. 

Either way, I want to think about all of the wonderful things I could do if I wasn’t so …forgive the pun …weighed down. 

Or…is this just a new …drama …for me to dwell on in the absence of any other?

Nope. Well maybe a little. My mother was back in the hospital this past week and them finally coming up with a diagnosis is a large part of this now too. 

Congestive Heart Failure.

Fuck. 

For her, it's about more than she just needs to lose weight ...she has to ALWAYS be eating right, be more physically active and always take her medication. She has to weigh herself daily to make sure she is keeping an eye on the fluid amount in her system, surrounding her heart and lungs. She also has make sure her Bi-Pap machine is working correctly, she's going to be going back to the sleep clinic to look at that. 

And she has to not stop. To not give up even when she's discouraged. That will be the hardest part. She wants to see the weight going down on the scale as a result of her hard work. She wants to see a payoff and I don't blame her. I get it. I want it too! I mean 3 lousy fucking lbs????

This time around, she and I had a little bit of THAT conversation. The one where she tells me things she has put on her Health Care Directive. And I have to be strong and not bury my head in the sand and take it like a grown-up when she tells me she is sure I wouldn't want to be the one to plan her memorial service so she's not having my sign this thing, but instead Pop and her friend Judy will be the ones signing it. The ones who things will fall on when those decisions need to be made.

*Sigh*

I can't bear to think of her leaving this earth and it shakes me to my core to even think about her not being around. I, in my dramatic (but oh so real) way, think that I wouldn't even want to exist if she wasn't around. 

Here's the big difference between us though...she doesn't fear death because of her religious beliefs and the belief in resurrection and I fear her death because I don't believe in any of that. 

Does that mean I should jump back on that bandwagon in order to be able to better deal with it, when/if it happens? 

I don't know. But would that be better than feeling the utter devastation that I imagine I will feel?

Either way, or regardless of any of that...

 

I don't want that to happen to me.  I don't want to have repeated visits to the hospitals and feel so helpless.

I also want, I need, to be able to feel more comfortable in my skin again. To honor the one and only body I've got.

It pisses me off that the image I have of myself in my head in now way matches the reality. But maybe I can make it happen. 

Oh sure, there are those who say I should say "I can make it happen" vs. "maybe I can make it happen" because of the intent behind the words but Rome wasn't fucking built in a day was it? 

"It took a long time to gain this weight, it will take a long time to lose it again" (J.B.)

@@@@@@@

It's the weekend and soon I'm going to stop talking about this. All week, eating right and getting exercise was the main topic of conversation and I need a break from it. 

But shit, what a fucking mountain to climb ...for her, for me. 

 

 

Real People

Living in Lowertown has been quite interesting so far…I’ve met some odd characters…but they’re real people. 

First, there was the guitartist from a death metal band, En Masse, who sat at my table last Saturday…just after I’d posted that last …post. I never did get his name but I won’t forget him anytime soon.

They were in town, having played at Station 4 the night before. At a NYDM (that’s New York Death Metal to you un-cool people….kidding) Festival. Shaved and long hair both. Piercings and tattoos both. 

His first words said something about being carbon atoms…followed shortly with that he [we] are all made of dust from starts. He was higher than a kite and drunker than a skunk, but interesting to talk to.  It was a surreal experience to be talking to this guy. Actually just talking to him was quite scary….in that it really is one thing to talk to strangers …that’s my job. It’s another to talk to a stranger out there in the world with nothing to hide behind.

Fast forward to last night. It was kind of late when I ventured out to my current favorite outdoor space. Outside of Golden’s Deli to use their Wi-Fi. A comfortably lit but kind of private outdoor space. I officially met Bill. He’s a man I’ve seen come out and smoke late at night a couple of times when I’ve been there. 

Oooh boy! The stories he was telling me last night. He’s in …gosh, it’s got to be his 60’s and he’s had some things happen in his life that make mine look like a fairytale. And all of this I learned after I had to politely reject his interest in us dating. Oh sure, his interest is sweet and flattering and it was brave of him to say something but …there is just too much age difference. I also still refuse to start dating someone just because they’re interested in me. OK, that sounds nuts but I’ll do my best to try and explain myself…. Maybe it’s better if I use an example to state my case… years and years ago there was a little show called “Ally McBeal”.  And a storyline about a fat man being so interested in “Ally” because of how kind she was to him that he breaks off his engagement to a fat woman. The fat woman confronts “Ally” and tells her to back off and leave this man alone –discourage his interest/reject him because fat women have it hard enough to find enough love and have to take what they can get ….or words to that effect. I was outraged at that and also afraid there was some truth to it. As a fat woman I certainly have less admirers than a skinny woman. That is just a fact of life, yet I refuse to believe that I have to settle because there are fewer choices for me. 

I am not desperate…lonely at times yes, but not desperate. 

Again, maybe this sounds …colder than I really intend. He really was very sweet but also...oh what the hell, I’m going to say it…damaged goods. Literally. He was an electrician and just before he retired (!) he got hurt (head) and only has about 90% of his mental facilities. 

But still it was interesting talking to him …he could talk! He was in the military –an army ranger & special forces (?), married/divorced, kids, several motorcycle accidents, sober for 35 years and the last woman he dated (for about 9 years) was a “larger” lady. He likes a larger lady. Oi vey!

…

And then there is J.D. 

Another musician, well, former musician. I can’t remember his last name or the name of his band, but he says they toured for years and were the opening act for some big names. (I didn’t ask those.) 46, lives in the Farmers Market Lofts next door. Long hair. 

Is [now] a music producer with a really clear idea of what the wants to accomplish in the next 4 years (wants to retire at 50) which includes winning a Grammy! Going to open a coffee bar in the space at the corner of his building that’s currently a empty storefront. He’s also going to be buying Station 4. The bar a couple of blocks away. And is opening up some video producing space in a building nearby.  Divorced. NOT interested in me for dating purposes. Recently battled/battling Graves disease but now in remission.  

Now I can’t tell if any of that was pure and total bullshit but it sure was interesting.

…

The surreal bit about this was that all 3 of us were talking while smoking and talked off and on until about 1:30am.

…

I’m loving that this neighborhood –not necessarily my building –has such interesting (I’ve GOT to come up with a new word…hmm, eclectic?) people in it. I actually started to think about how I could enjoy my life more outside of work. When Bill asked me what I liked to do for fun, it sounded lame to say…play around online, watch TV, read, listen to music.  I shouldn’t feel like there is something wrong with that …should I?

Should I try to do more with my writing? 

Maybe.

…

But before I even get caught up in what to do when I’m not at work, I should focus on why I have skipped work as much as I have the past couple of months. With the exclusion of the sunburn last month, I really haven’t had a good excuse. I’ve just been out of sorts. My life is good. I mean, no complaints. I love my apartment, the neighborhood. I’ve got good friends and a great family. And did I even mention yet how much I LOVE LOVE my new phone? No? Well, I do. I love the touch/slide feature. It’s so easy to use. 

Anyway. I was trying to explain to someone last night (before I made new friends) that I am feeling this…well, yes, out of sorts is as good a description as any. To quote John Mayer…”something’s missing and I don’t know what it is.” I thought I wanted someone to do stuff with but that’s not even really so much it. 

Maybe it’s just that I want more money and I should start trying to figure out a way to make money on weekends. Doing something that doesn’t feel like work. (Is that even possible or am I high? :P)