Real People

Living in Lowertown has been quite interesting so far…I’ve met some odd characters…but they’re real people. 

First, there was the guitartist from a death metal band, En Masse, who sat at my table last Saturday…just after I’d posted that last …post. I never did get his name but I won’t forget him anytime soon.

They were in town, having played at Station 4 the night before. At a NYDM (that’s New York Death Metal to you un-cool people….kidding) Festival. Shaved and long hair both. Piercings and tattoos both. 

His first words said something about being carbon atoms…followed shortly with that he [we] are all made of dust from starts. He was higher than a kite and drunker than a skunk, but interesting to talk to.  It was a surreal experience to be talking to this guy. Actually just talking to him was quite scary….in that it really is one thing to talk to strangers …that’s my job. It’s another to talk to a stranger out there in the world with nothing to hide behind.

Fast forward to last night. It was kind of late when I ventured out to my current favorite outdoor space. Outside of Golden’s Deli to use their Wi-Fi. A comfortably lit but kind of private outdoor space. I officially met Bill. He’s a man I’ve seen come out and smoke late at night a couple of times when I’ve been there. 

Oooh boy! The stories he was telling me last night. He’s in …gosh, it’s got to be his 60’s and he’s had some things happen in his life that make mine look like a fairytale. And all of this I learned after I had to politely reject his interest in us dating. Oh sure, his interest is sweet and flattering and it was brave of him to say something but …there is just too much age difference. I also still refuse to start dating someone just because they’re interested in me. OK, that sounds nuts but I’ll do my best to try and explain myself…. Maybe it’s better if I use an example to state my case… years and years ago there was a little show called “Ally McBeal”.  And a storyline about a fat man being so interested in “Ally” because of how kind she was to him that he breaks off his engagement to a fat woman. The fat woman confronts “Ally” and tells her to back off and leave this man alone –discourage his interest/reject him because fat women have it hard enough to find enough love and have to take what they can get ….or words to that effect. I was outraged at that and also afraid there was some truth to it. As a fat woman I certainly have less admirers than a skinny woman. That is just a fact of life, yet I refuse to believe that I have to settle because there are fewer choices for me. 

I am not desperate…lonely at times yes, but not desperate. 

Again, maybe this sounds …colder than I really intend. He really was very sweet but also...oh what the hell, I’m going to say it…damaged goods. Literally. He was an electrician and just before he retired (!) he got hurt (head) and only has about 90% of his mental facilities. 

But still it was interesting talking to him …he could talk! He was in the military –an army ranger & special forces (?), married/divorced, kids, several motorcycle accidents, sober for 35 years and the last woman he dated (for about 9 years) was a “larger” lady. He likes a larger lady. Oi vey!

…

And then there is J.D. 

Another musician, well, former musician. I can’t remember his last name or the name of his band, but he says they toured for years and were the opening act for some big names. (I didn’t ask those.) 46, lives in the Farmers Market Lofts next door. Long hair. 

Is [now] a music producer with a really clear idea of what the wants to accomplish in the next 4 years (wants to retire at 50) which includes winning a Grammy! Going to open a coffee bar in the space at the corner of his building that’s currently a empty storefront. He’s also going to be buying Station 4. The bar a couple of blocks away. And is opening up some video producing space in a building nearby.  Divorced. NOT interested in me for dating purposes. Recently battled/battling Graves disease but now in remission.  

Now I can’t tell if any of that was pure and total bullshit but it sure was interesting.

…

The surreal bit about this was that all 3 of us were talking while smoking and talked off and on until about 1:30am.

…

I’m loving that this neighborhood –not necessarily my building –has such interesting (I’ve GOT to come up with a new word…hmm, eclectic?) people in it. I actually started to think about how I could enjoy my life more outside of work. When Bill asked me what I liked to do for fun, it sounded lame to say…play around online, watch TV, read, listen to music.  I shouldn’t feel like there is something wrong with that …should I?

Should I try to do more with my writing? 

Maybe.

…

But before I even get caught up in what to do when I’m not at work, I should focus on why I have skipped work as much as I have the past couple of months. With the exclusion of the sunburn last month, I really haven’t had a good excuse. I’ve just been out of sorts. My life is good. I mean, no complaints. I love my apartment, the neighborhood. I’ve got good friends and a great family. And did I even mention yet how much I LOVE LOVE my new phone? No? Well, I do. I love the touch/slide feature. It’s so easy to use. 

Anyway. I was trying to explain to someone last night (before I made new friends) that I am feeling this…well, yes, out of sorts is as good a description as any. To quote John Mayer…”something’s missing and I don’t know what it is.” I thought I wanted someone to do stuff with but that’s not even really so much it. 

Maybe it’s just that I want more money and I should start trying to figure out a way to make money on weekends. Doing something that doesn’t feel like work. (Is that even possible or am I high? :P)

My World IS a Happy Place.

Oh sure, it's not perfect (I constantly worry about money) but it sure could be worse.

Saturday - another lazy day all to myself --- I really like those. So much in fact that I skipped Kari's bridal shower. What a complete bitch am I? Fuck, now I really am feeling guilty.

But...it's a perfect summer day. I just had some good food and am drinking an iced coffee outside a place with free WI-FI, steps from my home. It's not fucking humid. And there are few enough people around that I don't feel self-conscious.


I don't know exactly why I crave days like these... oh wait, I do, because I spend all week having to be around people and I don't keep anything to myself, for myself.


Yes, I am obsessed with me. Yes, it's all about me.


WTF?


Well let's change THAT subject.


In my crazy impulsive way I decided on a new phone -I did a lot of reading about phones. Reading reviews, figuring out what I liked and didn't like. What I wanted and didn't want. And then in the space of about 1/2 hour, I chose this thing called a Galaxy Nexus. Next best thing to an iphone? (and how badly do I want an iphone (we'll see if that changes.) This phone is pretty hot stuff from what I've read (and keep reading about.) I also figured I knew that I could deal with the monthly amount as it's similar to my current, non-smartphone.


And if I do sell the car....oh did I not mention that? I'll be uber-responsible  with those funds...


So my new phone is supposed to be delivered tomorrow -and I hope it is (I'm worried about the whole signature thing.) I can hardly wait. I was watching instructional videos and reading some of the manual online after work last night. It'll be good to have something new to obsess over.


OK, maybe it could be a touch warmer and sunnier out, but all in all a good day.

New Life Cont’d – Reality

I’d forgotten how having a home of one’s own means upkeep…keep it tidy. I take great pride and satisfaction from living in a fairly clean environment but I don’t want to put a lot of effort into which means keeping up with things….

So that is really what weekends are about right now. Not going out and drinking to the wee hours. Not seeing the latest movie. Not dining at the latest hot spot. Nope, just doing laundry, unloading/loading the dishwasher, wiping off the counters and putting things away where they belong (though I’m still figuring out the best places for things.)

And my new reality is no internet access outside of the limited amount I get with my cell phone. 

A couple of my co-workers are fond of saying “put your big girl panties on” and they’re right…that is what I have to do. 

The reality is that I can’t afford that …luxury right now and while it’s killing me, I have other financial obligations that must be met. And I’ve learned very very painful financial lessons about not meeting your financial obligations. 

And I’ll admit, if I do indeed go to Vegas for my birthday (why Vegas? Free hotel room courtesy of Michelle, my favorite work friend and …why not Vegas?) I want to be able to have a wee bit of spending money. That’s coming up week after next. 

In a perfect world, I could have it, do it all, but that is not my world.

I won’t lie, I miss internet access something awful…and I took it for granted when I had it…so I’m just going to take the opportunity to catch up on movies –even if they’re old/older and my reading. (And I’ve got a new neighborhood to explore don’t I?)

I’m very fortunate in that a woman at work gave me a TV with a built in VCR –that works!!!! And I’ve got a bunch of movies to watch that I will hopefully convince my brother to pick up for me from Ryan’s.

And in the meantime, I’ve got co-workers lending me movies. And I can borrow some from my parents. (See this is why you hang on to movies!) How awesome is that? 

So here I am. Saturday afternoon, taking a break and also waiting for groceries to get delivered…granted maybe they’re just a bit more expensive than I might get at Target or Cub but the convenience is worth it. I’m being practical this time and buying stuff that I will have to make –but that will also be great as leftovers to take to work for lunch. 

It’s my weakness to just buy lunch at work in the cafeteria. I’m a regular. They know what I usually get…the sandwich guy has finally begun to know what I like (chicken salad on a white hoagie with romaine (not iceberg) lettuce and just 2 slices of tomato) …the prices aren’t …terrible, but they’re not great either. 

More reality that I need to deal with….bringing my lunch should help me save some money that I can put toward bills. 

*Sigh*

What is sad is that I don’t remember the last time I felt like this…determined to have paid off as many bills as I could so that I don’t have these things hanging over my head. I want to be able to live simply and comfortably. 

OK, so I think those are all of the brilliant thoughts I’ve got for now.

More stuff to do around the house…

Oh joy.

Yup, lucky.

There is something to be said about simple pleasures.

I really don't need a lot to make me happy. It's the 4th of July and while I'm a little...sad I didn't make plans with anyone, I'm quite enjoying this day off so far. And I think holidays really are overrated. Having worked them and knowing people who still have to work them kind of makes them really not need to be so important. (Also, I think it's about having the opportunity to make any day a special day...why save fun for just holidays?)

I've got coffee (and more importantly creamer!), food in the fridge (fresh corn on the cob! New potatoes!) central air (on a day that is supposed to reach 99 degrees!), clean clothes and a comfortable home.

I've got people in my life who are amazing who make me feel alive with the range of emotions I experience with them and a job. A job that makes me happy for the most part and...as of July 1, a raise! (I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure curious.)

The raise couldn't have come sooner. I've got to face one (or two) of my financial demons ..and soon.

So nope, no complaints at this particular time. Lucky me.

Now if only I didn't want a cigarette so bad....

And now time to remind myself why life is not shit

God. What a week. I was faced with the consequences of some of my bad choices AND worrying about my mother who I am really just starting to have a good good relationship with. And there was letting my parent's down ...my Pop mostly.  (Then again, how much of this am I willing to share lest you see more of the side of me I don't typically share here??? ...)

And then there is some new stuff with work adding to the mix of anxiety and frustration and fear...I've been asked to take care of someone else's job while they're out on vacation for 2 weeks.

The thing is that while it's flattering as hell (and means time OFF the phones,) it also comes with a bit more pressure. It's making sure tickets have been issued and attached to reservations. Just one tiny little detail that means the difference between the group (or a member of the group) getting on the flight and going off and having a wonderful adventure...or not.

Then there was the exclamation point to the week. The actual spilling of milk. (I would have cried if I hadn't gotten some of that out of my system the night before.)

So here we are, it's going on 1am and I'm ready to remind myself about the positive things in my life and then start dealing with how I can make things right and better.

Then again, it's going on 1am and I'm not wanting to do anything right now other than crawl into bed and let another new day come and bring hope and possibilities with it.

So maybe we'll just come back to some of this later and in the meantime, off to dreamland I go.

But/Yet/And Now What?

So here it is. This is my life.

I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about having a new place. Lots of people have a new place and don't think it means more than just that.

I guess I just want it to represent more than just a new address.

...it's starting out fairly close to the "beginning" with a bang...I wasn't home for 2 weeks in the first 30 days (or so) so it hasn't started to feel quite home yet.

and Mom is back in the hospital...same place and thankfully I'm a lot closer now. I'm not freaking out ...yet. She went in Friday night with a fever of 103 and the shakes & shivers. But she's been up for visitors starting Saturday late afternoon...We really think...hope she's going to be OK. She's on antibiotics...they thought maybe pneumonia but now it may be some form of cellulitis (sp?) . . .she picked up something somewhere...and I'm afraid from swimming. That would suck if she had to reduce or stop doing that because it's one of the few physical activities she can do and actually enjoys.

Tonight - a potential aid/solution...swim shoes. I'm going to look into those after I've finished this up.

She has to be OK. The alternative is unacceptable. Is that childish of me? You bet. But when it comes to our parent's mortality, why do we have to be mature about it? It's enough that we eventually see them as flawed human beings, just being who they are as individuals and not as "superheroes" or only "Mom and Pop."

 So now...time to distract myself from thinking about anything happening to my mother anytime within the next decade...at minimum.

*Sigh*

Every once in a while I like to totally self-indulge in analyzing myself...you know, the whole "who am I?" thing.

Things about Me...2012.

1. Pizza -all kinds....frozen, bad frozen, fresh, Dominos, gourmet...doesn't matter...is my new favorite "food". I used to say anything related to breakfast.

2. I eat more sweet things now. Used to be that I was only a salty snack/treat freak.

3. I'm not as opposed to trying spicier things.

4. I like to cook more...and use fresh ingredients...but yet still refuse to give up "bad" foods.

OK, should I worry this is all related to food so far?

Nah. I've decided to redevelop my relationship with it. Appreciate it for what it is...nourishment for the one and only body I've been given and not let my love and passion for it control me.

*Yawn*

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my apartment. I'm so happy I could make this work (with thanks to a few people)....and now time to put myself to bed.

After looking up swim shoe info. that is. :P

And now I am really excited about my new…life

I’m currently away from home, dog and house sitting for a friend –former co-worker of sorts. 

I met Kathy probably about 10 years ago (!) when I was working for CUNA Mutual at Postal Credit Union in North St. Paul. We’ve kept in touch over the years –and I cat sat for her years ago and now just recently have begun dog and house sitting for her. 

The timing was a little off, but I got paid a good amount to do this and I’m not complaining….with just having moved into my apartment I’m ready to start really living in it. 

When I did this for her back in December, it lit the fire of my desire to have my own place. I had been thinking about it…but was afraid to make the move …to move.

What’s great is that she has cable and I’ve been able to gorge myself on “House Hunters” and “House Hunters International” …which today got me thinking about the fact that having watched that show for years had me subconsciously prepared to decide where I wanted to live next. What I thought was important, what I wanted vs. needed, would settle for and wouldn’t compromise on all came from having to think about how I live my life and want for it. 

So when I watch episodes and I see these people having to make choices and compromises and still get what they want...I'm happy I didn't have to really make a lot of comprises because I picked a home with a lot of pros...my own laundry, a dishwasher, charm, space, character and an elevator!

And personality. It has so much personality. 

What I think is interesting (?) is that it's usually House Hunters International that typically show what I would want for myself –flats and other beautiful small apartments in the city...cool little "flats" and other charming little apartments that it seems like you can only find in Europe. (Am I preparing myself for that eventual move across the pond? Maybe...) 

I’m really looking forward to making my little place a home.  Right now I’m feeling like I will be there for a long time (because I won’t want to move again until I can afford movers, professional movers. This move was so physically challenging and I never want to go through that again.)

So I love that it’s my place. My own space. And I can’t wait to really add my personality to it. I’ve gotten a start with finding those bar stools at Saver’s for super cheap. And those pillows! And I’ve got Nita making pillows out of my concert t-shirts. And I’ve got some great stuff to put up on the walls. Now just to find the perfect coffee table or storage ottoman, a chair or two and maybe a bookshelf? I also need something to put the TV on. 

....but yet, what I need to remember is that I don’t have to have it all “done” right away. I can just take my time and only add things that I really love…not just have stuff. I want to have a cool, funky, comfortable “nest”.

I know I really made a good choice…even if it was an impulsive one. (Deciding to take it after one look and taking no time to think about it.)

And I’m so grateful for all the help I have gotten –from Ryan helping me with the move to people at work giving me things…dishes, a blender, a TV w/built in VCR! And just the overall support I’ve received from everyone. 

Even my mother has now been to see this place and she hasn’t been to one of my homes for years. Nope, she never came over to Ryan’s, Jen’s or my apartment on Grand Ave. I don’t even think she ever came to Grant St. Commons …or my apartment in Uptown on Fremont. Or…where was I before that? Oh…with them! The night she came over I made us dinner and it was nice to show her…how I live. What my life is about.

…

Work is good…though I’ve been taking a lot of time off lately. I’ve totally been taking advantage of PPT and vacation days. I’m a bit burned out and having paid time off is fucking wonderful.

Next month will be my 5 year anniversary and I’m eligible for 3 weeks of vacation! How fucking sweet is that?  

I’m hoping by having this time off, to just relax, will keep me going…I can’t afford to hate my job –I don’t want to go back to hating my job and dreading work. 

So now I just need to think some more about life outside of work and outside of the apartment. 

I’ve got a new life, new home and now new hair. (I found a great color. A nice shade of brown w/out the red or orange highlights. Though next time, I’m going to try the light brown color. I think that will look more…natural.) 

So here I am. I’m not at home. I’m in somebody else’s home and it’s giving me a chance to see what I think I might or might not want for mine. 

I’m feeling good and I’m so happy I finally decided to do it. I can’t wait to get back to my place and start really living. 

I’m not so scared anymore.