Oh this was good

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I was musing on how slow I am to learn the
lessons I need to master -- how hard it can be to see the obvious secrets
that are right in front of me. But I felt better after I came across the logo
for the Jung Institute in San Francisco, which is dedicated to the study of
psychology and psychotherapy. The symbol that it has chosen to embody
its ruling spirit consists of four snails creeping their way around a center
point -- a witty acknowledgment of the plodding nature of the human
psyche. I bring this to your attention, Leo, because it's important for you
to give yourself credit for how much you've grown since the old days --
even if your progress seems intolerably gradual.

(freewillastrology from about 3 weeks ago but oh so fitting!)

Just something to keep/remember/read often

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Bet you never thought I'd be back...

Oh where to begin. Work has been really busy and when I get home I just want to veg and just not think about anything. Plus this computer isn't as nice as my last one and typing on it is kind of a pain. Moving over to groups was a great idea but I had no idea it would be as challenging and busy as it is.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. I had a mammogram screening week before last and there was something that they need to look at again. It's hopefully just lymph nodes and I've got nothing to worry about. When I told my mother about it, she said she isn't worried because she usually has to have repeat mammograms herself. Ahhhhh, the joy of big tits. :P

I'm not going to freak out until I have a reason to freak out. I'm also going on the pill for the first time EVER in my life. A grown woman of 41 finally going on the pill. Hilarious right? But my freakin' cycle is so out of whack. I'm hoping that it's just...well, NOT Peri-menopause. I'm too bloody young for that!

Things with B are still going. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. But I love him and he loves me. It just is what it is and no decisions are being made. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Lately I've decided also not to stress about the great big unanswered question of "what am I doing with my life" because my life is good and I'm content. It doesn't mean I won't ever think about school again. But work is interesting and challenging and keeps me busy.

I'm also seriously thinking about getting my own place (again.) While I'm enjoying living with R & K, I'm living with them. In their house. In their nest. I want my own. Whether or not I'll be able to get my own remains to be seen but I'm going to try. I would like something in St. Paul and/or closer to work. If all of my tickets and being license-less for a week taught me anything it's that I need to be able to have public transportation as a back-up. It was one thing to sneak over to a park & ride, it would be another if Suzette isn't running at all or in the shop and I have to take the bus to work.

I'd like to think that there are exciting things to write about but there really aren't...not that I can think of off the top of my head right now anyway.

So for now, this is all she wrote.

The Ride - Literally and Figuratively

Oh where to begin this time around. So much swirling around in my head. It's been one hell of a month so far. No seeing of B, finding out my license was suspended due to non-payment of that damn ticket I got when I didn't move over a lane because my exit was RIGHT there. (I kept meaning to go in and talk to them about it but kept putting it off and then between adjusted work hours for various trainings, Mom being in the hospital, Sally's visit, my birthday and then work being crazy busy, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.)

But it finally caught up with me ...and not only did I find out it was official that my license was suspended, I got a ticket (another expensive one!) for driving with a suspended license! Fuckin' A!

And this may be the time around when it's really over with B.

It all came to a head last weekend. The previous week he had to cancel on me 3 nights in a row and then when I suggested the weekend, it all fell apart and I reached a breaking point. Fuck you was uttered. Twice. (By me of course.) We've had our ups and downs and time to see each other is limited and precious. But I can only ride the ride for so long right? I know seeing someone in his situation is fraught with all sorts of challenges but this is getting ridiculous.

We didn't talk for a week. And then he called me. We had a bit of conversation but there was nothing really resolved. He said the thing he always says about having a lot going on and then he said the one thing he's NOT said before. The he doesn't know if he can give me what I want even though he wants to.

I sent him an email this morning, reminding him that he always has a lot going on and he always will but if he wants to be with me, he is going to have to find a way to make it work. And I'm not bluffing this time. He's perfectly capable of making time for me on a weekly basis...he's been doing it for years. I told him I'm not calling him and if he calls me today, I'm not picking up and that I will answer the call only when I know he's had time to read the email and is calling to make a date that he's gonna keep. But this is it. His last chance.

Maybe this comes across as overly-demanding of me considering how full his life is already between the family, the work and his properties, but as I mentioned, he's managed for years to find some time for me on a fairly regular basis.

I think what is at the heart of it all is that I'm finally ready to say that the relationship with him is not enough and I want more.

At the bottom of this blog is something that has helped me in numerous ways deal with the challenges of life -the list of the "Facts of Life" and one of them is one I've been trying to deny. "Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them."

Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them.

I used to think that if anything, I would at least be happy just to have him in my life...even if it was via an occasional phone call, but now I don't think I could even handle that. Talking to the man who I love so fucking much and when we're together, makes me feel so damn good and knowing I can't be with him would just be too fucking hard.

*Sigh*

Why can't I just be content with the crumbs of time and availability that he throws me?

And now here we are and I think things are really at the stage where I think it's going to be over and now I have to start preparing myself for that.

*[BIG] sigh*

It's a beautiful day out there and I should at least go out and get some sun and stop moping about in my cool, comforting nest/cave.

But first, I should go ahead and write about taking the bus again. It sure has been a humbling experience. And I'm reminded of how precious even one minute can be. In the world of bus-riding it means the difference between making the connection and getting to work early, on time or late. Riding the bus is all about time. Watching it, obsessing about it.

Riding the bus means feeling kind of gross when I reach my destination...like there is a layer of city schmutz on me that I need to wash off (the first thing I do when I get to work or get home is wash my hands.) Riding the bus means lots of time waiting between some of the connections and increased smoking. Riding the bus means interacting on a surface level with a variety of people and seeing all sorts of characters...young, old, in-between, black, white, brown, short, tall, fat, skinny...and we've all got our headphones on, our noses in a book or are on our phones, surfing or texting.

Riding the bus reminds me of why it is that I've said I don't want children. I used to say it was because there were so many brats on the bus but what it really is that, if I had children, at some point, I'm sure I would be one of those women who has to take their kids on the bus. My mother did that with us when we were kids and and it was fun for us, but I'm sure it was not as fun for her. I think in some ways that is part of my not wanting children...knowing that my economic status isn't really going to change and I refuse to raise a child the way I was raised. I love my parent's, don't get me wrong, but money was ALWAYS a problem. Oh sure we had enough for a roof over our heads and food on the table but money was "always too tight to mention." Maybe those don't seem like good enough reasons to not have a child but they matter. A child is a huge responsibility financially and otherwise. That's what having a child means to me anyway. It's another person to take care of and taking care of myself alone is sometimes a challenge.

Riding the bus means being at the mercy of a lot of outside factors (hey, I just realized this is what I say at work about flights!!!!!) and when you miss that specific connection that you need in order to get to work on time and have to wait a 1/2 hour for the next bus to get you there...

Now on the flip side, riding the bus means not dealing with obnoxious stupid drivers on the road. Riding the bus means air-conditioning. Riding the bus means I'm doing my tiny part for the environment. Riding the bus means getting to spend a lot of time listening to music and getting reacquainted with the massive library of songs I've got on my ipod.

But now that I've paid that ticket that got me in this mess to begin with, I can hardly stand the wait in getting my license reinstated (I paid on Friday and it takes a couple of business days to happen) because I want to be driving my car again! I want my freedom and independence back!

Because that is what riding the bus does NOT mean. You are at the mercy of time. You have limited freedom and independence. Granted, we have pretty good public transportation in this town but it's not the same as being able to hop in your car and do what you want or need to when you want to or need to.

Now I just have to hope that this new ticket doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. A co-worker thinks that if they find out that I got a ticket for driving with a suspended license, they may suspend it again...but that doesn't seem right. The action (or lack of in this case, not paying that ticket) caused the reaction (the suspension) and now that has been paid...so...right?

But still I'll have to get that paid next paycheck. And hope by doing that, this whole mess will be behind me.

OK, time for coffee and food and sun and a cigarette.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Just a short post because I have to put it out there now, right this instant, that I'm so fucking lucky. I've got so many people in my life that love me.

I know this. I need to always remember this, especially when those times come around when I feel like I'm all alone in the world.

The celebrating actually started on Friday when we had a lovely dinner and Kari made me yummy strawberry cheesecake cupcakes! Then I had Scott to call me and wish me a HB before I went to bed last night and Sally here visiting and Kari here and both of them wishing me a HB when I got up. I had a card from Nita waiting for me when I got to work and another card from a bunch of other people in the department when I came back from lunch.

And even if my evening with B didn't go quite as planned, I had Ryan, Kari and Sally here when I got home to share more love with me...

(The thing I forgot to do though was call my mother and say "thank you." I will call her tomorrow morning after I drop Sally off at the airport. (I'll write about that visit another time.))

A good day, with wonderful presents! Amongst them, stuffed animals for the child in me, scented candles for the me that loves good smells, cash for the not so responsible with money part of me and jewelry for the woman in me.

And how awesome is it that I got to be with the people, in one way or another, that mean the most to me.

I feel loved. I am loved.

And now for even more people to be grateful for.

Sometimes I'm completely overwhelmed by my love for the people in my life...

You know when you get that call? The one in the middle of the day that throws you off course because all of a sudden things are NOT fine, not normal.

My mother went into the hospital yesterday. It turns out she hasn't been breathing well which led to her not sleeping for 3 days. When I got there after work last night, she was awake though and with oxygen was her sparkling self -maybe a bit manic because of the lack of sleep but she was her lively self and it was a relief to see.

We had a good talk, about a lot of things ...at one point, she was in tears because she said I don't sound angry with her anymore (long long long story) and she was so happy about that. And she's right. There was a lot of talk about being stubborn and too smart for my own good...and how similar we are in so many ways. That used to scare the pants off of me but for all her own selfish, self-involved ways (that IS where I get it from you know :P) she loves me like crazy.

Then tonight, going there again after work, she wasn't her sparkling self but that had a lot to do with the fact that they were doing all sorts of tests and finding out what was wrong with her.

It came, comes down to her being overweight, the bosom being too big for her short frame (like she (and I!) have never ever heard that before!) and it was respiratory ...failure.

It occurs to me that I'm all about "women are beautiful and should be at peace with themselves, their bodies" and I've never had that talk with my mother about self-love and self-confidence...hmmm. Something to think about and maybe write about later...anyway, I will maybe have that conversation with her tomorrow (and dazzle her some more with my "maturity"! :P ) We need to get her to the point where she has to love herself enough to really do what she has to do with the exercise and such. She did mention maybe joining Weight Watchers again (it has worked well for in the past and is working well for some ladies I work with now...)

They're not letting her go home yet but when she does, they are going to send her home with a machine, similar to a CPAP (?) machine that will help her breathe at night.

I'm going to head back there tomorrow night -as long as she is still there -and have some more quality time with her -well best we can under these circumstances.

Tonight, afterward, Pop and I went for a beer and a burger...well, he had beer...and we had some quality time of our own. He's such a character. I'll tell you about him sometime.

And that's really what we do in our family. We don't have quantity, but we have quality.

We call all be truly ourselves with each other.

And I love my parent's with such a fierceness that it's overwhelming. Oh sure we've had our issues over the years but we're always there for each other.

Then coming home tonight and Ryan was there to give me a hug and chat with and I'm so fucking grateful for his friendship and presence in my life.

Sharing a home with him may have some interesting ...moments (let's just call it that shall we? :P) but I'm so happy to not be living alone. As much as I want my own little "nest" a little closer to work, this is a really good place for me to be.

I've got an aunt who, in spite of her own challenges (that's putting it mildly) is totally loving and supportive of me.

I've got a big brother who always helps out with whatever I need.

I've got co-workers who are fun and helpful.

(Have I mentioned how much happier I am work? Yes? So many times you're getting tired of hearing about it?)

The car is STILL running. I've got a good roof over my head. Food in the cupboard. A little bit of money in the bank -enough to get me by. A man who knows how to make me purr like a kitten ;)

Life is good. I may actually say a little prayer and give some thanks to the big guy upstairs.

Onward. With hope that Mom will do what she has to do and will get better (lose weight/exercise, etc.) and will be around for a long long time.

People I'm grateful for

I've written about the things I'm grateful for and I thought it was about time that I acknowledged some, just some, of the amazing people I have in my life.

Earlier tonight I was thinking about my manager at work, her name is Judy, and how happy I am that I'm back on her team...it's knowing that I would have her back as my manager that was the fire that got lit under me that made me bid for the group sales department. (When she initially told us she was moving over to groups I didn't think I'd miss her as much as I did.)

It's been a rough year (literally the past 12 months or so, not just 2011) for me at work, attendance-wise, and she was my manager for most of it. We had some real heart to hearts and I think it was her approach and patience with me that helped turn the corner. She made a very good point about me getting in my own way and she was right. I do have a tendency to do that.

When we finally had a chance to talk about my coming over to groups, she was honest with me and made it clear that she was on my side, but that she was taking a chance on me because the other manager has her doubts about me due to the attendance issue. I appreciate her vote of confidence and have that as additional motivation to not screw up.

I couldn't really explain to her when, how and why my attitude about work changed. Where this new level of commitment to the job is coming from..I guess the important thing is that it's there.

That actually is just a part of things I'm feeling good about these days ...knowing that I've got so many people in my corner and rooting for me to be happy and successful. I feel so much love and support and am humbled by it. Hence this post. (But who are we kidding, I'm a Leo and am lapping up the attention like a starving big ol' kitty cat!)

So at work...and oh speaking of work...I'm loving that I'm feeling good about it for the first time in a long long long time. I could say I should have moved on sooner but I also think things happen for a reason and when they're supposed to. It's been a couple of weeks now in my new job and I'm enjoying learning new things. Oh sure there are lots of grumblings and unhappy people but I'm going to try really hard to not let that get to me. I came from that where I was and I'm looking at this as a fresh start. I believe people can change -especially if they want something else for themselves and their lives. And I want something different for mine and it starts with not hating my job anymore.

I am not unaware though that it's a slippery slope and I've got to do my best to not slide down it. My success will require discipline and hard work but the payoff will be continuing to be person that has control of her life and not someone controlled by their life and letting it all get to me and squash me down.

The adjustment period is interesting...I have this new life that I'm getting used to. A life of waking up earlier and getting home earlier and having actual weekends off like most of the world. I kind of miss the weekday off thing though...it made me a little different and as much as I just want to be like everyone else, I like being a little different.

I liked telling people I had my weekend during the week. I liked being able to sleep until 11am.

Anyway, I've gotten off topic...

Before I left work yesterday, Friday, I had a nice conversation with Judy as we talked about the training I've had so far and what the plans are for next week. I'm in a unique, good position being that I'm the only one who needs training for the job. I can take it at my own pace and get all of the individual attention that I need. And I've got this manager who is tough but fair, sympathetic yet practical.

So first person grateful for...Judy, my manager at work. Maybe it's unprofessional and/or not the wisest idea to blur the line between manager and...friend but as long as I do my job and keep getting my butt to work everyday I think it will be fine.

And then there is my aunt Sally. After my visit a couple of weeks ago we made a point to keep in better touch and now have a weekly phone date, on Saturday afternoons. And while our time was later today than was intended, it worked out for both of us and we had a nice conversation. I think I have to let go of the thought that I have to rescue her from her life and problems but I can't do that...and I've learned that staying away and not talking to her was not the answer either.

She is such a dear and is like the mother I never had...oh, my mother is ...my mother and if anything were to happen to her I'd be devastated but there is this distance between us because of the religion...yes, the religion. Anyway...

Sally is also the big sister I never had. And the little sister. And a friend. We can talk about anything and be completely honest with each other. I've got this amazing person in my family who I feel unconditional love from, with and for. I miss that since Grandpa died.

And then there is Ryan. Sharing a house with someone is a big deal. While I miss the fabulous and the animals, it's a different thing to be living with a friend who knows you better than you know yourself sometimes. We're still adjusting to my new schedule which really has made things interesting in terms of how we live in the house...I knew it threw him for a loop when I told him about the new schedule but he's been a trooper and not made me feel bad about changing things up from what we thought it would be like with my living here.

And we're still friends, real friends who can also talk about anything. And yeah, we're family.

And then there is B. It's been challenging lately with our mismatched schedules (to put it mildly) but we've endured and I love that he has stuck by me as long as he has (or really is it that I'm just that good in bed or he is? :P )

There is still laughter and passion and lust and love. There is conversation and communication and....love. I may get frustrated when we don't see each other as often as I'd like but there is surety and complete certainty in our love for each other. Am I going to cling to what I want for the future or be happy with the love that there is now? I'm opting for love in the here and now.

It will still be a roller-coaster because that's part of the deal in loving the kind of man who has a whole 'nother life but as long as he continues to be my biggest fan and supporter, I can deal. I can deal.

Then there is Michelle at work...we don't work together anymore and it's been a tough adjustment to not see her on a fairly regular basis but we've managed to have some breaks together and we'll keep doing that. I refuse to lose her friendship just because we don't work in the same department anymore. But just like anything worth having, it will take effort and commitment but she's worth it. I believe I've mentioned I never thought I'd be as close to someone whose life was so completely different from mine because they have a spouse AND kids but we work. She's more than a wife and a mother and it's been good for me to see that. It was narrow-minded of me to think that once a person was those things that that's all they were.

Ah, so smart but not so much sometimes. *Sigh*

So it's like after 2am and maybe I'll think about winding down now. I've been trying to be better about getting to bed at an earlier time but I'm still working on it.

So just like a lot of other areas in my life, it's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress.

Onward. After I go upstairs and take my happy pill*

*increased dosage of anti-depressant and maybe the reason I'm feeling as good as I am? Probably has a wee bit to do with it 'eh?

P.S. Oh! My court stuff for the accident in November is finally DONE! Went on Friday and the public defender got my charge reduced to "following too (to? gah, it's the middle of the night and out of all of the words in the English language I don't know which one is the correct one I'm looking for!) closely", which is a petty misdemeanor instead of "regular" one and got the money reduced down to a total of $128. That's less than 1/2 of the initial amount! I am keeping my license. Now I just have to deal with that other damn ticket....

I actually sometimes lately can't believe that this is my life. Lucky me.