Sometimes I'm completely overwhelmed by my love for the people in my life...
You know when you get that call? The one in the middle of the day that throws you off course because all of a sudden things are NOT fine, not normal.
My mother went into the hospital yesterday. It turns out she hasn't been breathing well which led to her not sleeping for 3 days. When I got there after work last night, she was awake though and with oxygen was her sparkling self -maybe a bit manic because of the lack of sleep but she was her lively self and it was a relief to see.
We had a good talk, about a lot of things ...at one point, she was in tears because she said I don't sound angry with her anymore (long long long story) and she was so happy about that. And she's right. There was a lot of talk about being stubborn and too smart for my own good...and how similar we are in so many ways. That used to scare the pants off of me but for all her own selfish, self-involved ways (that IS where I get it from you know :P) she loves me like crazy.
Then tonight, going there again after work, she wasn't her sparkling self but that had a lot to do with the fact that they were doing all sorts of tests and finding out what was wrong with her.
It came, comes down to her being overweight, the bosom being too big for her short frame (like she (and I!) have never ever heard that before!) and it was respiratory ...failure.
It occurs to me that I'm all about "women are beautiful and should be at peace with themselves, their bodies" and I've never had that talk with my mother about self-love and self-confidence...hmmm. Something to think about and maybe write about later...anyway, I will maybe have that conversation with her tomorrow (and dazzle her some more with my "maturity"! :P ) We need to get her to the point where she has to love herself enough to really do what she has to do with the exercise and such. She did mention maybe joining Weight Watchers again (it has worked well for in the past and is working well for some ladies I work with now...)
They're not letting her go home yet but when she does, they are going to send her home with a machine, similar to a CPAP (?) machine that will help her breathe at night.
I'm going to head back there tomorrow night -as long as she is still there -and have some more quality time with her -well best we can under these circumstances.
Tonight, afterward, Pop and I went for a beer and a burger...well, he had beer...and we had some quality time of our own. He's such a character. I'll tell you about him sometime.
And that's really what we do in our family. We don't have quantity, but we have quality.
We call all be truly ourselves with each other.
And I love my parent's with such a fierceness that it's overwhelming. Oh sure we've had our issues over the years but we're always there for each other.
Then coming home tonight and Ryan was there to give me a hug and chat with and I'm so fucking grateful for his friendship and presence in my life.
Sharing a home with him may have some interesting ...moments (let's just call it that shall we? :P) but I'm so happy to not be living alone. As much as I want my own little "nest" a little closer to work, this is a really good place for me to be.
I've got an aunt who, in spite of her own challenges (that's putting it mildly) is totally loving and supportive of me.
I've got a big brother who always helps out with whatever I need.
I've got co-workers who are fun and helpful.
(Have I mentioned how much happier I am work? Yes? So many times you're getting tired of hearing about it?)
The car is STILL running. I've got a good roof over my head. Food in the cupboard. A little bit of money in the bank -enough to get me by. A man who knows how to make me purr like a kitten ;)
Life is good. I may actually say a little prayer and give some thanks to the big guy upstairs.
Onward. With hope that Mom will do what she has to do and will get better (lose weight/exercise, etc.) and will be around for a long long time.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
People I'm grateful for
I've written about the things I'm grateful for and I thought it was about time that I acknowledged some, just some, of the amazing people I have in my life.
Earlier tonight I was thinking about my manager at work, her name is Judy, and how happy I am that I'm back on her team...it's knowing that I would have her back as my manager that was the fire that got lit under me that made me bid for the group sales department. (When she initially told us she was moving over to groups I didn't think I'd miss her as much as I did.)
It's been a rough year (literally the past 12 months or so, not just 2011) for me at work, attendance-wise, and she was my manager for most of it. We had some real heart to hearts and I think it was her approach and patience with me that helped turn the corner. She made a very good point about me getting in my own way and she was right. I do have a tendency to do that.
When we finally had a chance to talk about my coming over to groups, she was honest with me and made it clear that she was on my side, but that she was taking a chance on me because the other manager has her doubts about me due to the attendance issue. I appreciate her vote of confidence and have that as additional motivation to not screw up.
I couldn't really explain to her when, how and why my attitude about work changed. Where this new level of commitment to the job is coming from..I guess the important thing is that it's there.
That actually is just a part of things I'm feeling good about these days ...knowing that I've got so many people in my corner and rooting for me to be happy and successful. I feel so much love and support and am humbled by it. Hence this post. (But who are we kidding, I'm a Leo and am lapping up the attention like a starving big ol' kitty cat!)
So at work...and oh speaking of work...I'm loving that I'm feeling good about it for the first time in a long long long time. I could say I should have moved on sooner but I also think things happen for a reason and when they're supposed to. It's been a couple of weeks now in my new job and I'm enjoying learning new things. Oh sure there are lots of grumblings and unhappy people but I'm going to try really hard to not let that get to me. I came from that where I was and I'm looking at this as a fresh start. I believe people can change -especially if they want something else for themselves and their lives. And I want something different for mine and it starts with not hating my job anymore.
I am not unaware though that it's a slippery slope and I've got to do my best to not slide down it. My success will require discipline and hard work but the payoff will be continuing to be person that has control of her life and not someone controlled by their life and letting it all get to me and squash me down.
The adjustment period is interesting...I have this new life that I'm getting used to. A life of waking up earlier and getting home earlier and having actual weekends off like most of the world. I kind of miss the weekday off thing though...it made me a little different and as much as I just want to be like everyone else, I like being a little different.
I liked telling people I had my weekend during the week. I liked being able to sleep until 11am.
Anyway, I've gotten off topic...
Before I left work yesterday, Friday, I had a nice conversation with Judy as we talked about the training I've had so far and what the plans are for next week. I'm in a unique, good position being that I'm the only one who needs training for the job. I can take it at my own pace and get all of the individual attention that I need. And I've got this manager who is tough but fair, sympathetic yet practical.
So first person grateful for...Judy, my manager at work. Maybe it's unprofessional and/or not the wisest idea to blur the line between manager and...friend but as long as I do my job and keep getting my butt to work everyday I think it will be fine.
And then there is my aunt Sally. After my visit a couple of weeks ago we made a point to keep in better touch and now have a weekly phone date, on Saturday afternoons. And while our time was later today than was intended, it worked out for both of us and we had a nice conversation. I think I have to let go of the thought that I have to rescue her from her life and problems but I can't do that...and I've learned that staying away and not talking to her was not the answer either.
She is such a dear and is like the mother I never had...oh, my mother is ...my mother and if anything were to happen to her I'd be devastated but there is this distance between us because of the religion...yes, the religion. Anyway...
Sally is also the big sister I never had. And the little sister. And a friend. We can talk about anything and be completely honest with each other. I've got this amazing person in my family who I feel unconditional love from, with and for. I miss that since Grandpa died.
And then there is Ryan. Sharing a house with someone is a big deal. While I miss the fabulous and the animals, it's a different thing to be living with a friend who knows you better than you know yourself sometimes. We're still adjusting to my new schedule which really has made things interesting in terms of how we live in the house...I knew it threw him for a loop when I told him about the new schedule but he's been a trooper and not made me feel bad about changing things up from what we thought it would be like with my living here.
And we're still friends, real friends who can also talk about anything. And yeah, we're family.
And then there is B. It's been challenging lately with our mismatched schedules (to put it mildly) but we've endured and I love that he has stuck by me as long as he has (or really is it that I'm just that good in bed or he is? :P )
There is still laughter and passion and lust and love. There is conversation and communication and....love. I may get frustrated when we don't see each other as often as I'd like but there is surety and complete certainty in our love for each other. Am I going to cling to what I want for the future or be happy with the love that there is now? I'm opting for love in the here and now.
It will still be a roller-coaster because that's part of the deal in loving the kind of man who has a whole 'nother life but as long as he continues to be my biggest fan and supporter, I can deal. I can deal.
Then there is Michelle at work...we don't work together anymore and it's been a tough adjustment to not see her on a fairly regular basis but we've managed to have some breaks together and we'll keep doing that. I refuse to lose her friendship just because we don't work in the same department anymore. But just like anything worth having, it will take effort and commitment but she's worth it. I believe I've mentioned I never thought I'd be as close to someone whose life was so completely different from mine because they have a spouse AND kids but we work. She's more than a wife and a mother and it's been good for me to see that. It was narrow-minded of me to think that once a person was those things that that's all they were.
Ah, so smart but not so much sometimes. *Sigh*
So it's like after 2am and maybe I'll think about winding down now. I've been trying to be better about getting to bed at an earlier time but I'm still working on it.
So just like a lot of other areas in my life, it's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress.
Onward. After I go upstairs and take my happy pill*
*increased dosage of anti-depressant and maybe the reason I'm feeling as good as I am? Probably has a wee bit to do with it 'eh?
P.S. Oh! My court stuff for the accident in November is finally DONE! Went on Friday and the public defender got my charge reduced to "following too (to? gah, it's the middle of the night and out of all of the words in the English language I don't know which one is the correct one I'm looking for!) closely", which is a petty misdemeanor instead of "regular" one and got the money reduced down to a total of $128. That's less than 1/2 of the initial amount! I am keeping my license. Now I just have to deal with that other damn ticket....
I actually sometimes lately can't believe that this is my life. Lucky me.
Earlier tonight I was thinking about my manager at work, her name is Judy, and how happy I am that I'm back on her team...it's knowing that I would have her back as my manager that was the fire that got lit under me that made me bid for the group sales department. (When she initially told us she was moving over to groups I didn't think I'd miss her as much as I did.)
It's been a rough year (literally the past 12 months or so, not just 2011) for me at work, attendance-wise, and she was my manager for most of it. We had some real heart to hearts and I think it was her approach and patience with me that helped turn the corner. She made a very good point about me getting in my own way and she was right. I do have a tendency to do that.
When we finally had a chance to talk about my coming over to groups, she was honest with me and made it clear that she was on my side, but that she was taking a chance on me because the other manager has her doubts about me due to the attendance issue. I appreciate her vote of confidence and have that as additional motivation to not screw up.
I couldn't really explain to her when, how and why my attitude about work changed. Where this new level of commitment to the job is coming from..I guess the important thing is that it's there.
That actually is just a part of things I'm feeling good about these days ...knowing that I've got so many people in my corner and rooting for me to be happy and successful. I feel so much love and support and am humbled by it. Hence this post. (But who are we kidding, I'm a Leo and am lapping up the attention like a starving big ol' kitty cat!)
So at work...and oh speaking of work...I'm loving that I'm feeling good about it for the first time in a long long long time. I could say I should have moved on sooner but I also think things happen for a reason and when they're supposed to. It's been a couple of weeks now in my new job and I'm enjoying learning new things. Oh sure there are lots of grumblings and unhappy people but I'm going to try really hard to not let that get to me. I came from that where I was and I'm looking at this as a fresh start. I believe people can change -especially if they want something else for themselves and their lives. And I want something different for mine and it starts with not hating my job anymore.
I am not unaware though that it's a slippery slope and I've got to do my best to not slide down it. My success will require discipline and hard work but the payoff will be continuing to be person that has control of her life and not someone controlled by their life and letting it all get to me and squash me down.
The adjustment period is interesting...I have this new life that I'm getting used to. A life of waking up earlier and getting home earlier and having actual weekends off like most of the world. I kind of miss the weekday off thing though...it made me a little different and as much as I just want to be like everyone else, I like being a little different.
I liked telling people I had my weekend during the week. I liked being able to sleep until 11am.
Anyway, I've gotten off topic...
Before I left work yesterday, Friday, I had a nice conversation with Judy as we talked about the training I've had so far and what the plans are for next week. I'm in a unique, good position being that I'm the only one who needs training for the job. I can take it at my own pace and get all of the individual attention that I need. And I've got this manager who is tough but fair, sympathetic yet practical.
So first person grateful for...Judy, my manager at work. Maybe it's unprofessional and/or not the wisest idea to blur the line between manager and...friend but as long as I do my job and keep getting my butt to work everyday I think it will be fine.
And then there is my aunt Sally. After my visit a couple of weeks ago we made a point to keep in better touch and now have a weekly phone date, on Saturday afternoons. And while our time was later today than was intended, it worked out for both of us and we had a nice conversation. I think I have to let go of the thought that I have to rescue her from her life and problems but I can't do that...and I've learned that staying away and not talking to her was not the answer either.
She is such a dear and is like the mother I never had...oh, my mother is ...my mother and if anything were to happen to her I'd be devastated but there is this distance between us because of the religion...yes, the religion. Anyway...
Sally is also the big sister I never had. And the little sister. And a friend. We can talk about anything and be completely honest with each other. I've got this amazing person in my family who I feel unconditional love from, with and for. I miss that since Grandpa died.
And then there is Ryan. Sharing a house with someone is a big deal. While I miss the fabulous and the animals, it's a different thing to be living with a friend who knows you better than you know yourself sometimes. We're still adjusting to my new schedule which really has made things interesting in terms of how we live in the house...I knew it threw him for a loop when I told him about the new schedule but he's been a trooper and not made me feel bad about changing things up from what we thought it would be like with my living here.
And we're still friends, real friends who can also talk about anything. And yeah, we're family.
And then there is B. It's been challenging lately with our mismatched schedules (to put it mildly) but we've endured and I love that he has stuck by me as long as he has (or really is it that I'm just that good in bed or he is? :P )
There is still laughter and passion and lust and love. There is conversation and communication and....love. I may get frustrated when we don't see each other as often as I'd like but there is surety and complete certainty in our love for each other. Am I going to cling to what I want for the future or be happy with the love that there is now? I'm opting for love in the here and now.
It will still be a roller-coaster because that's part of the deal in loving the kind of man who has a whole 'nother life but as long as he continues to be my biggest fan and supporter, I can deal. I can deal.
Then there is Michelle at work...we don't work together anymore and it's been a tough adjustment to not see her on a fairly regular basis but we've managed to have some breaks together and we'll keep doing that. I refuse to lose her friendship just because we don't work in the same department anymore. But just like anything worth having, it will take effort and commitment but she's worth it. I believe I've mentioned I never thought I'd be as close to someone whose life was so completely different from mine because they have a spouse AND kids but we work. She's more than a wife and a mother and it's been good for me to see that. It was narrow-minded of me to think that once a person was those things that that's all they were.
Ah, so smart but not so much sometimes. *Sigh*
So it's like after 2am and maybe I'll think about winding down now. I've been trying to be better about getting to bed at an earlier time but I'm still working on it.
So just like a lot of other areas in my life, it's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress.
Onward. After I go upstairs and take my happy pill*
*increased dosage of anti-depressant and maybe the reason I'm feeling as good as I am? Probably has a wee bit to do with it 'eh?
P.S. Oh! My court stuff for the accident in November is finally DONE! Went on Friday and the public defender got my charge reduced to "following too (to? gah, it's the middle of the night and out of all of the words in the English language I don't know which one is the correct one I'm looking for!) closely", which is a petty misdemeanor instead of "regular" one and got the money reduced down to a total of $128. That's less than 1/2 of the initial amount! I am keeping my license. Now I just have to deal with that other damn ticket....
I actually sometimes lately can't believe that this is my life. Lucky me.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Things I'm Grateful For
Oh where to begin?
This weekend is the beginning of now having actual weekends off. I got a 4-day off stretch and decided to use the time to go down to Florida and visit my favorite Aunt.
I was way overdue in visiting her. She is such a wonderful, strong woman who keeps ...enduring is the best word I can use. Most of my visits have been to go down there and help her out with stuff but this time around we just enjoyed the visit. There was a lot of laughs and a new shared experience (!) that cemented that we're not just aunt/niece but truly friends. (And don't even get me started about how I'm ever so grateful that I didn't lose my cell phone down there!)
So I'm grateful for her and the hospitality her and her family show me (my cousin gave up his room so I could have some space and privacy of my own, her husband cooks for us or brings us lunch...) She/they are so generous and giving, it puts me to shame.
I'm going to make it a point to get down there for more frequent visits...my last one was way too long ago. I've been staying away because it was just too much to be a part of her life and feel so...helpless in trying to help her get back control of her life with the various things she struggles with. I think now that my staying away did more harm than good. So back to fairly regular visits and keeping in better touch.
So after I got home last night -after getting lucky and getting a seat in first class for the flight home -I stopped at Chipotle for dinner and as I was leaving that's when I thought to myself that it's about time I acknowledged how many things I've got to be grateful for. (Every once in a while I need to remind myself how good I've got it.)
I'm grateful for the job that allows me to just "pop down" to Florida for a day or two. I'm grateful for an aunt that I can really talk to ...about anything. And for having yet another person in my life who loves me.
I'm grateful for my living situation. I'm living with one of my best friends and so far so good. This won't be a permanent arrangement...I do want to eventually finally get my very own "nest" but this is a good place to be.
Ryan and I ran some errands together today and it was awesome, yet strange being out and about on an actual Sunday on my Sunday. It's going to be interesting adjusting to this weekend off thing...
I'm grateful for a car that runs...even if she needs work to get the oil to stop leaking.
I'm grateful for my family, especially my brother who always helps me when I need it ...crap that reminds me, I've got to do his CRP (renter's credit) for him! I've been meaning to get that done for like 2 weeks now! Ooops!
I'm grateful that Troy finally paid me the money for the last job I did for him ..and even though it was truly the last job (he and his wife have decided to do the mailings themselves since business hasn't been great) I'm grateful I got back in touch with him and even had the opportunity to temporarily make a bit of extra cash.
I'm grateful I have a computer and internet access.
I'm grateful that my "new" library is close by and very easy to get to.
I'm grateful that I have food in the cupboard and a little bit of money in the bank (just a weensy bit.)
Oh sure I still have to deal with that last ticket I got and I've got that 3rd court appearance in a couple of weeks (and hopefully it will be the last!) but things could be worse.
So there are a million more things to be grateful for but you get the picture.
So now to start winding it down...have to start getting myself to bed a wee bit earlier than I have been...
Onward. With excitement at the new work I'll be doing ...at work.
This weekend is the beginning of now having actual weekends off. I got a 4-day off stretch and decided to use the time to go down to Florida and visit my favorite Aunt.
I was way overdue in visiting her. She is such a wonderful, strong woman who keeps ...enduring is the best word I can use. Most of my visits have been to go down there and help her out with stuff but this time around we just enjoyed the visit. There was a lot of laughs and a new shared experience (!) that cemented that we're not just aunt/niece but truly friends. (And don't even get me started about how I'm ever so grateful that I didn't lose my cell phone down there!)
So I'm grateful for her and the hospitality her and her family show me (my cousin gave up his room so I could have some space and privacy of my own, her husband cooks for us or brings us lunch...) She/they are so generous and giving, it puts me to shame.
I'm going to make it a point to get down there for more frequent visits...my last one was way too long ago. I've been staying away because it was just too much to be a part of her life and feel so...helpless in trying to help her get back control of her life with the various things she struggles with. I think now that my staying away did more harm than good. So back to fairly regular visits and keeping in better touch.
So after I got home last night -after getting lucky and getting a seat in first class for the flight home -I stopped at Chipotle for dinner and as I was leaving that's when I thought to myself that it's about time I acknowledged how many things I've got to be grateful for. (Every once in a while I need to remind myself how good I've got it.)
I'm grateful for the job that allows me to just "pop down" to Florida for a day or two. I'm grateful for an aunt that I can really talk to ...about anything. And for having yet another person in my life who loves me.
I'm grateful for my living situation. I'm living with one of my best friends and so far so good. This won't be a permanent arrangement...I do want to eventually finally get my very own "nest" but this is a good place to be.
Ryan and I ran some errands together today and it was awesome, yet strange being out and about on an actual Sunday on my Sunday. It's going to be interesting adjusting to this weekend off thing...
I'm grateful for a car that runs...even if she needs work to get the oil to stop leaking.
I'm grateful for my family, especially my brother who always helps me when I need it ...crap that reminds me, I've got to do his CRP (renter's credit) for him! I've been meaning to get that done for like 2 weeks now! Ooops!
I'm grateful that Troy finally paid me the money for the last job I did for him ..and even though it was truly the last job (he and his wife have decided to do the mailings themselves since business hasn't been great) I'm grateful I got back in touch with him and even had the opportunity to temporarily make a bit of extra cash.
I'm grateful I have a computer and internet access.
I'm grateful that my "new" library is close by and very easy to get to.
I'm grateful that I have food in the cupboard and a little bit of money in the bank (just a weensy bit.)
Oh sure I still have to deal with that last ticket I got and I've got that 3rd court appearance in a couple of weeks (and hopefully it will be the last!) but things could be worse.
So there are a million more things to be grateful for but you get the picture.
So now to start winding it down...have to start getting myself to bed a wee bit earlier than I have been...
Onward. With excitement at the new work I'll be doing ...at work.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I knew better...
Well tonight ended with a whimper...actually more of a yell with lots of fuck's being uttered. Tonight's less-than-wise decision was to NOT change lanes when passing police cars and a pulled over car. (But my exit was RIGHT there!)
And the other night when Ryan had his party, I went and did my own thing without thinking of him or anyone else (though in my defense I was feeling anxious and nervous...still those are just excuses...)
I've been naughty at work with screwing around with FB (we have access again!) and not being available as much as I should for phone calls. And my "talk time" has been out of control (but that actually is already getting better so I won't whinge about that one too much)
..It's been pointed out to me that I have a tendency to get in my own way. This is not news right? I think it's actually the story of my life.
*Sigh*
I have forgotten my intent to do that thing that Gabbi talked about...about doing the next right thing. I am not listening to my inner wise voice telling me to do things like CHANGE FUCKING LANES.
So what IS up with all of that? Or maybe it's just that shit happens. (Pep talk time...Sam, you are human and not always going to make the perfect choice but it doesn't mean you should give up. You MUST keep on keepin' on and make that right choice. You can do it!)
It's not that hard to do the right thing, most of the time. It's thinking of others. It's obeying traffic laws. It's thinking of the consequences of my actions, whether they be good or bad.
I am trying though, in some ways...
**I did have my physical last week (let's not talk about the fact that I lost 9 lbs since the last time I was in and hearing that has me freaked out and I'm doing my best to get them back -talk about a perfect example of self-sabotage! ...but that may be a post for another day)
***I'm taking an increased dosage of my "happy" pill.
****I'm finally going to the dentist this week.
I will pay the damn fine for that ticket I just got (with my 3rd court date coming up at the end of the month, I need to not have that hanging around.)
Big news! Apologies for not talking about this sooner...I'm changing my work life in a major way week after next. I've been bored with the job and so have bid into group sales and my schedule will be completely different from what it's been the last 3+ years. I'll be working M-F from 11-7:30pm. I'll have weekends off. Crazy! I am not sure how I feel about that but the benefits to my new schedule will be that I will have all of my weeknights free which should give B and I more opportunities to see each other...and the job itself should be fun, or at least a change of pace and maybe kind of exciting?
I just hope I can deal with being alone on Saturday nights. Oooh. Hadn't even really thought about that until just now. I used to have a real problem with them. That's when I felt the loneliest. Working on them helped. Maybe I'll need to pick up some kind of part-time job for just that one night a week...or gee, maybe get a life and do things with friends?
I'm not the same person I was, even a year ago, and I think I am strong enough to find a way to deal with the new life I will have. And if it's really terrible, well, hell, I'll just bid back into the SkyMiles job in the fall.
Well OK I think this is enough for tonight. Time for winding down and then lights out.
And the other night when Ryan had his party, I went and did my own thing without thinking of him or anyone else (though in my defense I was feeling anxious and nervous...still those are just excuses...)
I've been naughty at work with screwing around with FB (we have access again!) and not being available as much as I should for phone calls. And my "talk time" has been out of control (but that actually is already getting better so I won't whinge about that one too much)
..It's been pointed out to me that I have a tendency to get in my own way. This is not news right? I think it's actually the story of my life.
*Sigh*
I have forgotten my intent to do that thing that Gabbi talked about...about doing the next right thing. I am not listening to my inner wise voice telling me to do things like CHANGE FUCKING LANES.
So what IS up with all of that? Or maybe it's just that shit happens. (Pep talk time...Sam, you are human and not always going to make the perfect choice but it doesn't mean you should give up. You MUST keep on keepin' on and make that right choice. You can do it!)
It's not that hard to do the right thing, most of the time. It's thinking of others. It's obeying traffic laws. It's thinking of the consequences of my actions, whether they be good or bad.
I am trying though, in some ways...
**I did have my physical last week (let's not talk about the fact that I lost 9 lbs since the last time I was in and hearing that has me freaked out and I'm doing my best to get them back -talk about a perfect example of self-sabotage! ...but that may be a post for another day)
***I'm taking an increased dosage of my "happy" pill.
****I'm finally going to the dentist this week.
I will pay the damn fine for that ticket I just got (with my 3rd court date coming up at the end of the month, I need to not have that hanging around.)
Big news! Apologies for not talking about this sooner...I'm changing my work life in a major way week after next. I've been bored with the job and so have bid into group sales and my schedule will be completely different from what it's been the last 3+ years. I'll be working M-F from 11-7:30pm. I'll have weekends off. Crazy! I am not sure how I feel about that but the benefits to my new schedule will be that I will have all of my weeknights free which should give B and I more opportunities to see each other...and the job itself should be fun, or at least a change of pace and maybe kind of exciting?
I just hope I can deal with being alone on Saturday nights. Oooh. Hadn't even really thought about that until just now. I used to have a real problem with them. That's when I felt the loneliest. Working on them helped. Maybe I'll need to pick up some kind of part-time job for just that one night a week...or gee, maybe get a life and do things with friends?
I'm not the same person I was, even a year ago, and I think I am strong enough to find a way to deal with the new life I will have. And if it's really terrible, well, hell, I'll just bid back into the SkyMiles job in the fall.
Well OK I think this is enough for tonight. Time for winding down and then lights out.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I survived it.
Two months ago, before the move, I thought to myself that I didn't know if I'd be able to deal with the move and that change in my life.
Thankfully I came out on the other side with most of my sanity intact.
I finally had a physical last Thursday and it was the kind of the physical that got me thinking about things again in terms of my physical self. But I guess that's fairly common isn't it? Spend a little time putting the magnifying glass on a certain aspect of yourself and give it some much overdue attention.
So yeah...this body.
*Sigh*
Thankfully I came out on the other side with most of my sanity intact.
I finally had a physical last Thursday and it was the kind of the physical that got me thinking about things again in terms of my physical self. But I guess that's fairly common isn't it? Spend a little time putting the magnifying glass on a certain aspect of yourself and give it some much overdue attention.
So yeah...this body.
*Sigh*
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Ramblings in the wee small hours
Well actually it's only 2am. I should be thinking of winding things down -especially after the disaster going to bed last night was. Lights out at 3am and I didn't fall asleep 'til around 5...5:30! I was NOT a happy camper about that. Especially since I'm trying to get over the first cold I've had in god knows how long. (Taking a daily vitamin WORKS when you actually take the bloody thing DAILY!)
Oh what an exciting couple of weeks it's been.
* Court date #2 last week - got myself a public defender and thank god because the prosecutor wanted/wants to suspend my driver's license. Now granted, I did the crime but I've made good! And I'll never do it again! And I will prove to them that I have car insurance as often as they want for as long as they want! So there is yet another day to go back to court. Let's hope it's the last time. (Worst case scenario they do suspend it but maybe I get a "work" one only? And it would only be for 6 months? The PD thinks it really shouldn't come down to that though....please please let him be right!)
* Pop lost his job. They let him go. Supposedly trumped up charges of some sort and they've been gunning for him for awhile and finally had their ammunition. He's understandably angry and bitter. I just hope he does find some part-time work ...shit, I keep forgetting to see if the airline has anything for him!... and that along with the social security he can now apply for, they should be OK and not have to move (again) to more affordable housing. They have the nicest place they've ever had and moving is so stressful.
* Hmmm, still thinking about running off to Nice for a few days but we'll just have to see how it goes. I'll find out my new shifts tomorrow and I'll have to see how it all could work with the budget. Missing a couple days of work this week didn't help since I'm officially out of sick time until next month. Oh well. It's all about keeping my expenses down to a minimum. The cell phone is back under control and that's big.
And if Troy would both give me some other work AND pay me for the last job I did for him, that will help. Granted, I need to get my shit together and find a better way to organize the lists he sends me and make sure I don't delete ANY of the emails! I'm feeling like an idiot because I couldn't give him some information he asked for the other day (I'm also feeling afraid that with how long it took me to do the last one, combined with that I'm not following through with sending back a final list of who got what, that he's going to think he's made a mistake in asking me to help him with this stuff. Oh well. I can only wait and see if he gives me any more work. I hope he does or I need to make sure he gets all of his supplies back so they aren't just laying around taking up space (or maybe one of these days I'll actually organize them properly!))
*Sigh*
* Have a doctor appointment day after tomorrow at fucking o'dark early (or whatever you call it when it's the middle of the night for a night owl like me) I will be tempted to just stay up all night but that staying up all hours of the "night" crap is what contributes to my getting a cold. I will also be tempted to cancel but it's for a physical and to get a new refill for the "happy" pills so I guess I better just get my ass up early. Right-o.
* On a happier note, the new living situation is going well. We're settling in and getting used to each other lifestyles, schedules and routines. I am really happy I'm here and I hope Ryan is too.
* My dearest old friend Diane turned 40 this past weekend and I'm really happy for her. She may be worried about that big 4-0 like the rest of us but it's actually really not so bad...so far.
Well, I think that's all I'll get into tonight.
Onward. Just...onward.
Oh what an exciting couple of weeks it's been.
* Court date #2 last week - got myself a public defender and thank god because the prosecutor wanted/wants to suspend my driver's license. Now granted, I did the crime but I've made good! And I'll never do it again! And I will prove to them that I have car insurance as often as they want for as long as they want! So there is yet another day to go back to court. Let's hope it's the last time. (Worst case scenario they do suspend it but maybe I get a "work" one only? And it would only be for 6 months? The PD thinks it really shouldn't come down to that though....please please let him be right!)
* Pop lost his job. They let him go. Supposedly trumped up charges of some sort and they've been gunning for him for awhile and finally had their ammunition. He's understandably angry and bitter. I just hope he does find some part-time work ...shit, I keep forgetting to see if the airline has anything for him!... and that along with the social security he can now apply for, they should be OK and not have to move (again) to more affordable housing. They have the nicest place they've ever had and moving is so stressful.
* Hmmm, still thinking about running off to Nice for a few days but we'll just have to see how it goes. I'll find out my new shifts tomorrow and I'll have to see how it all could work with the budget. Missing a couple days of work this week didn't help since I'm officially out of sick time until next month. Oh well. It's all about keeping my expenses down to a minimum. The cell phone is back under control and that's big.
And if Troy would both give me some other work AND pay me for the last job I did for him, that will help. Granted, I need to get my shit together and find a better way to organize the lists he sends me and make sure I don't delete ANY of the emails! I'm feeling like an idiot because I couldn't give him some information he asked for the other day (I'm also feeling afraid that with how long it took me to do the last one, combined with that I'm not following through with sending back a final list of who got what, that he's going to think he's made a mistake in asking me to help him with this stuff. Oh well. I can only wait and see if he gives me any more work. I hope he does or I need to make sure he gets all of his supplies back so they aren't just laying around taking up space (or maybe one of these days I'll actually organize them properly!))
*Sigh*
* Have a doctor appointment day after tomorrow at fucking o'dark early (or whatever you call it when it's the middle of the night for a night owl like me) I will be tempted to just stay up all night but that staying up all hours of the "night" crap is what contributes to my getting a cold. I will also be tempted to cancel but it's for a physical and to get a new refill for the "happy" pills so I guess I better just get my ass up early. Right-o.
* On a happier note, the new living situation is going well. We're settling in and getting used to each other lifestyles, schedules and routines. I am really happy I'm here and I hope Ryan is too.
* My dearest old friend Diane turned 40 this past weekend and I'm really happy for her. She may be worried about that big 4-0 like the rest of us but it's actually really not so bad...so far.
Well, I think that's all I'll get into tonight.
Onward. Just...onward.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Well France is pretty close to Italy
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): No other country on the planet has a greater concentration of artistic masterpieces than Italy. As for the place that has the most natural wonders and inspiring scenery per square mile: That's more subjective, but I'd say Hawaii. Judging from the astrological omens, Leo, I encourage you to visit one or both of those two hotspots -- or the closest equivalents you can manage. (If you already live in Italy or Hawaii, you won't have far to go.) In my opinion, you need to be massively exposed to huge doses of staggering beauty. And I really do mean that you NEED this experience -- for your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.
and because it's also appropriate and I LIKE it...
CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you were a poker player, the odds would now be far better than usual that you'd be voted one of the "50 Sexiest Poker Players in the World." If you were a physician volunteering your services in Haiti or Sudan, there'd be an unusually high likelihood that you'd soon be the focus of a feature story on a TV news show. And even if you were just a pet groomer or life coach or yoga teacher, I bet your cachet would be rising. Why? According to my reading of the omens, you Cancerians are about to be noticed, seen for who you are, or just plain appreciated a lot more than usual.
☯ ♥
See the thing is I have an opportunity to stay in a place in Nice, France, for FREE. I got the offer from a woman I helped on the phone awhile back and I recently confirmed with her that the offer still stands. It does!!!
I seriously need to get away. Need to fly and become the person on the other side of the phone again. How can I not take advantage of this opportunity being presented to me right? So now I'm going to go do some reading on Nice and look up this place on Google Maps....
And then I really think I'm going to try to make it happen...next month. We're bidding for our next shift in a couple of weeks and until I know what I know what my new schedule will be, Regardless of what my schedule will be, I know I'm going to have to be willing to trade shifts. :( (I don't like doing that because it messes up my "routine" and I function best with routine.) But I'm desperate for an adventure so I'm eager to be able to put the exact dates on the calendar. Juggling the work schedule be damned! And then somehow, someway, I'll make it work and do it within my budget. I won't need much...mostly just money in case something goes wrong trying to get home!
☯ ♥
B was out of town for almost 2 weeks and is finally back and I'm so happy. We only saw each other a couple of times in March and I started to doubt (again) whether or not I could handle staying in the relationship with how there are these "periods" of little physical contact (his annual family vacation and the holidays) but just talking to him last night reaffirmed that I am in this 100%. We had a good conversation. I'm so completely in love with this man. I know he loves me too. I love that he has "stuck around" as long as he has in my life. He also knows how lucky he is to have me in his.
Ah, relationships though right? Up and downs but continuing to communicate and each wanting to be with and make the other person happy.
There is a date planned for Thursday. I can't wait. I might even dress up. I have been a little ...careless with my appearance lately (er, the last few years) and it's about time I started enjoying some of my nicer clothes again and maybe throw a little bit of make-up on occasionally and get my fucking hair cut again already!
Anyhoo...time to go do that research on Nice...
Onward (oh how that makes me miss the Fabulous...)
and because it's also appropriate and I LIKE it...
CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you were a poker player, the odds would now be far better than usual that you'd be voted one of the "50 Sexiest Poker Players in the World." If you were a physician volunteering your services in Haiti or Sudan, there'd be an unusually high likelihood that you'd soon be the focus of a feature story on a TV news show. And even if you were just a pet groomer or life coach or yoga teacher, I bet your cachet would be rising. Why? According to my reading of the omens, you Cancerians are about to be noticed, seen for who you are, or just plain appreciated a lot more than usual.
☯ ♥
See the thing is I have an opportunity to stay in a place in Nice, France, for FREE. I got the offer from a woman I helped on the phone awhile back and I recently confirmed with her that the offer still stands. It does!!!
I seriously need to get away. Need to fly and become the person on the other side of the phone again. How can I not take advantage of this opportunity being presented to me right? So now I'm going to go do some reading on Nice and look up this place on Google Maps....
And then I really think I'm going to try to make it happen...next month. We're bidding for our next shift in a couple of weeks and until I know what I know what my new schedule will be, Regardless of what my schedule will be, I know I'm going to have to be willing to trade shifts. :( (I don't like doing that because it messes up my "routine" and I function best with routine.) But I'm desperate for an adventure so I'm eager to be able to put the exact dates on the calendar. Juggling the work schedule be damned! And then somehow, someway, I'll make it work and do it within my budget. I won't need much...mostly just money in case something goes wrong trying to get home!
☯ ♥
B was out of town for almost 2 weeks and is finally back and I'm so happy. We only saw each other a couple of times in March and I started to doubt (again) whether or not I could handle staying in the relationship with how there are these "periods" of little physical contact (his annual family vacation and the holidays) but just talking to him last night reaffirmed that I am in this 100%. We had a good conversation. I'm so completely in love with this man. I know he loves me too. I love that he has "stuck around" as long as he has in my life. He also knows how lucky he is to have me in his.
Ah, relationships though right? Up and downs but continuing to communicate and each wanting to be with and make the other person happy.
There is a date planned for Thursday. I can't wait. I might even dress up. I have been a little ...careless with my appearance lately (er, the last few years) and it's about time I started enjoying some of my nicer clothes again and maybe throw a little bit of make-up on occasionally and get my fucking hair cut again already!
Anyhoo...time to go do that research on Nice...
Onward (oh how that makes me miss the Fabulous...)
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Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!