Anniversary

Before I write this post tonight, I really should move my lazy butt up off this bed and walk the 3 feet to the bathroom. Not sure why I'm putting it off. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

I'm just so warm and cozy snuggled up under my comforter. Enjoying the feel of freshly laundered sheets. B was over tonight and it was a nice slice of domesticity to have his help in turning the mattress around and then putting the sheets on the bed.

Tomorrow, technically now today since it's after midnight, is the anniversary of making the choice to put poor Louis out of his misery. The hardest day (outside of the days of finding out my grandpa had died and the day of his funeral) of my young life.

I still think of him, Louis, every single day in one way or another. Usually when I'm in my room and looking around at his favorite places to sleep, like the end of the bed. Sebastian has adopted that now and it's sweet. I am grateful that the Fabulous has her "kids" that have become dear to me and fill some of the space that was left in my heart after saying good-bye to Louis.

Sebastian, with his fur several shades of ginger is actually about the same size and sheds just about as much! ...but that is the only thing they have in common. Louis was a cranky old man w/everyone else especially in the last year or so of his life and Sebastian is more of a lover not a fighter and sweet as can be.

But will I ever want another pet of my own again? No. Nope. No. I am content with loving the pets in the house and will miss them when it comes time to move out but I am still done with taking on the responsibilities of my own. The ability to not only feed and clean up after them combined with loving care and attention is just a bit much for me now. (I'm not exactly succeeding 100% in taking proper care of myself let alone another)...it feels a bit selfish when I know there are lots of animals that need loving homes out there but I am just going to draw that line in the sand.

So a year ago it felt like the end of the world and I never thought I would be done with the crying but life just goes on doesn't it? You keep just getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other.

I hope that wherever Louis and/or his spirit is, he knows I miss him, will always miss him.

Are YOU bored?

Happy 2011. And life is the same. I don't know why I thought that life would somehow be different in a new year.

(Duh, if you want to change you have to be the change right?)

I had a brief one-on-one with my manager tonight. And she tries so hard with me to keep me positive. I don't make it easy for her sometimes. Tonight I was moaning and groaning about that there is just so much shit happening all at once and I am overwhelmed. Between the stuff with the car/my financial irresponsibility, my boredom and frustrations with work, my physical self issues, my hate of winter and cold weather I'm not exactly the most charming company these days. (Not that I went into all of that with her...)

It's just all too much sometimes.

And it's all I can do sometimes to get out of bed in the morning. I'm toying with the idea of going back into therapy...

Blah.

And on top of all of that, I'm restless with my life. I find myself in a routine and while some routine and structure is good for me, I'm beginning to wonder if this is all there is. Is this is as good as it gets? (LOVE LOVE that movie!)

Again, I know, if I want to change it up, it's up to me but the thing is that I don't know what I want out of life outside of the basic need to work and the occasional get-together with friends and family.

Maybe I just need a life coach? Too bad they cost money. (Not that I don't think they deserve to get paid for what they do...) *sigh*

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Meh. Maybe it's just a case of the winter doldrums. I spent most of the night before last (after a low-key date w/B) and most of yesterday and last night watching "Firefly" and then after done w/all the ep's, watching "Serenity". I've seen them both before but just was in the mood for a little sci-fi w/a hint of western thrown in for good measure. Nothing like drowning yourself in a little TV to take your mind off your troubles.

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OK, that's enough of that tonight. Think I'll just go take a shower and try to crash out at a decent hour tonight.

Onward. One foot in front of the other.

Happy New Year

So and here it is again.

Last year on this day I was in Amsterdam having one of the greatest adventures of my life. At the time it was challenging but it sure has given me a great story to tell and it was good to step out of my little world...

On the heels of that trip, I wanted to have lots of adventures in 2010 and I certainly did, both good and not so good.

Do I want to review them and/or the past year or just move on and try to focus on this "fresh start" that we now have??? Nah, I think I'll skip the re-hash of the years events and just keep looking forward...

I think I've decided that every day I'm going to make some kind of resolution, even if it's just something like "stay positive" when feeling overwhelmed and see how that goes. No sense making those "grand gesture" resolutions that eventually you forget all about. I like how Gabbi put it in her blog...

"This year, I will resolve to just do the next right thing.

The next right thing. One at a time, one after another."

It's too much pressure otherwise. What I need to do is to focus on the steps I take, even if they're baby steps, that just keep me moving forward to wherever life will take me next.

It's time I also focus on the fact that I've got some amazing friends who have been showing what true friendship is all about and it's about time I gave them a shout out. I've got many people to thank for being a friend to me and being there for me but for tonight (and in the interest of this not being a post so long you nod off while reading :P) I'll just mention a couple of people...

Frankly, I had a crappy Christmas. Well, crappy in that I was working and there were several hundred canceled flights and therefore hundreds of unhappy callers. Then due to some lack of communication w/B, I didn't get to spend the evening with him after work.

I was at my wits end and hating the holiday(s) when Diane reached out to me and talked me off of what I'm calling "the edge." We actually spent over 2 hours on the phone and it felt like we were back being our boy-crazy, teen-aged selves while yet still being able to piss and moan about some of the downsides to being an adult. It is a really cool thing to have someone in your life that has known you for decades and "gets" you.

(I've said it before but I'm gonna say it again. I'm so happy we're re-establishing our friendship and while being incommunicado for several years wasn't great, it sure is giving us lots of new stories to tell to each other.)

And she is so...wise. I think she's always been wise but I've just never realized or appreciated it until now.

Then there is Ryan. Thanks to him and my new friend Kari (his new g/f) my New Year's Eve DIDN'T suck.

Have I mentioned how much I hate New Year's Eve? Not being able to be w/B and kissing him at midnight is hard. It's the holiday I feel the most alone on (next to Memorial Day, Labor Day and Independence Day) (Oh the choice I make. *Sigh*) (my wild idea of going to Amsterdam again wasn't a possibility due to the current financial state of affairs) I was starting to panic a bit about what I would be doing to get through the night. I was lucky that I had several options too! Diane, Michelle and even my parent's extended an invite to me, but I opted for going up to Duluth w/him and Kari to hang out with them and her friends that she's known forever. And Kari is awesome. She's what I'd call a straight-shooter. She doesn't seem to take any bullshit or seem afraid to speak her mind. And you can tell she really is listening to you. Awesome.

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yeah...I'm quite proud of the fact that I chose to do something instead of sitting around home feeling sorry for myself again. (As you well know, I've excelled at that.)

We got there in time to relax and swim in the hotel pool before heading out for the evening. I love swimming. Wait, let me say that again...I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE swimming. When I'm in a pool, I'm weightless and free and get to be the ballerina I always wanted to be when I was a little girl.

We got dolled up and I even wore make-up (!!!) and we braved the crappy weather to have a good time out. It was a good evening and I'm also proud of the fact that I didn't get so inebriated as to be really sick today (just tired.)

Ryan is such a good friend at making me feel included and not expecting anything from me other than my company and friendship. I can totally be myself around him...every facet of me that I don't necessarily show off to others. (Granted, in general, I think I could rein some of my personality in ...I tend to be a bit outrageous and probably over-share more than I need to. While maybe it's cool to be such an open and honest person, I probably don't need to put it all out there do I? (But is that just me and something I shouldn't change??) We'll maybe talk about that at another time???)

I thought about having Jenn create another New Year's card for me to send out this year but never got around to with all the stuff going on the past couple of months. I will send some personalized emails instead.

Going forward now will be about meeting my financial obligations, figuring out where I'm moving to next and continuing to take the best care of myself that I can.

And I think I'll start with putting myself to bed at a decent hour tonight.

G'night.

Hmmm.

I've been putting off watching this movie "Disfigured" that I read about some time ago and remember wanting to see. It's now available to watch instantly at Netflix.

Here's the "details" (courtesy of Netflix):

Disfigured
2007NR 95 minutes

Struggling anorexic Darcy (Staci Lawrence) sees herself as hugely overweight, so she's shocked when she's rejected by the members of the Fat Awareness Group, who refuse to believe they can have anything in common with the scrawny girl. But Lydia (Deidra Edwards), the self-help group's founder, realizes they're both wrestling the same demon -- weight -- in this thought-provoking look at America's body image issues.

Cast: Deidra Edwards, Staci Lawrence, Ryan C. Benson, Elizabeth Sampson, Sonya Eddy, Lindsay Hollister, Heather Brooker, April M. Walsh, Juanita Guzman, Patrick Gorman

Director: Glenn Gers

I've been putting it off because I while I have come miles in the "accept my body as it is" mindset, I've got to face some things I feel about it head on ...and all of this is courtesy of the challenges to my physical self these past few months. Especially my knees.

I was telling someone recently about the fact that I blog and what I heard myself saying is that because I've kept journals and diaries most of my life that this was a perfect format for me...a chance to create a documentation of my life in a permanent manner. (Wow, just typing that I'm thinking how enormously self-centered that sounds!) And I've never shied away from being honest in them so I certainly shouldn't be here.

And lately I've been obsessed with thinking about my weight again. It was really sparked by reading an article from a recent issue (?) of "O" magazine. One day last week Michelle and I were talking about weight issues and a co-worker overheard us and mentioned she had read this article...and she happens to have it there with her...So I read it and it was very thought-provoking. (I'd share a link but can't find one)

It was an article that contained an excerpt from a book by Marianne Williamson

"A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever"

The Publisher notes: For so many people, whether your addiction is to a substance or merely to a certain way of thinking or acting, a profound humbling occurs when you realize that your problem is bigger than you are. The terror of realizing, even dimly, that you have no control over a self-destructive pattern of behavior—that as much as you would want to, you simply cannot stop—can mark a crucial turning point in your life. At that point, you go in one of two directions: either way, way down, or way, way up. . . .

This book is for you if you know in your heart that you are an addict, and that you are powerless before your addictive behavior. As the title promises, Marianne Williamson looks at weight loss from a spiritual perspective, bringing you 21 lessons that can be done separately or in conjunction with any other serious spiritual path. These 21 lessons are completely separate from anything related to diet or exercise—they will retrain your consciousness in the area of weight in order to break the cycle of overeating, dieting, and shame that rules so many lives.

The part that really got to me about this stuff is what was written in the article that preceded the excerpt [and of course this part has crossed my mind previously] about weight being this wall we've built around ourselves. And we've got all sorts of inner/psychological reasons for keeping it. That the wall is composed of bricks, different types of bricks. Some made with sadness, some with loneliness, etc.

Years ago I acknowledged that I might be keeping on the weight to keep men away (ha! that doesn't work does it?) and this brought all of that up. I have to believe that there has been a reason for it. There has got to be a reason I put up with physical limitations and pain and if I examine the reason maybe, just maybe, it'll shift my thinking into action. Just do it will become my new ...motto in life, for life.

Anyhoo, when I got home that night I found myself going in search of not this book, but the book "It's Not What You're Eating, It's What Eating You" because that article and it's comment on the emotional part of being overweight.

I found an audio version and since super cheap, bought the audio version and listened to it.

I was kinda surprised by a couple of points I got from it. 1. That this is a book that encourages you to own up to and admit that you are a food addict (there is that food addiction thing again!!!) and 2. That there is a high correlation between the overweight and sexual abuse survivors.

The 2nd point was actually shocking to me. I had no idea that there could be a link between childhood sexual abuse and being overweight. What was kinda scary was AND how many of the sexual abuse survivor profiles items that applied to me. I took some notes while listening and here are the ones about that profile...

"in a triangular love affair with a married person (more exciting than a relationship with an available person); trouble establishing boundaries (let everyone in); obsessed with love relationships (only feel alive when seeking or receiving affection); disconnected from your body; in dealings with others manipulative rather than assertive; felt older than peers when young; abnormally high expectations of yourself; in general feel inauthentic (wear a mask).

Now, luckily for me, there wasn't sexual abuse but there were attempts. When I was around 4 or 5 my great-grandfather wanting me to touch his penis; then when around 11 being pushed down in the sand in elementary school and having a boy on top of me simulating sex; around 12 or 13 starting to dislike getting hugs from my uncle at family functions because I could swear he was feeling my bra straps when hugging me...(The authors viewpoint on that says that eating is definitely one of the only ways children can cope and/or express their feelings when they've been traumatized)

In writing about this I also realize it wasn't only that stuff. My most significant weight gain happened in my early 20's when I went from retail jobs where I was up and running around all the time to my "sit down" jobs ...I'll have that too because it was also during that time that I finally had my first significant love (well to me it was love) and was embarking on my sexual (yes, I said it) journey. All of these things coming together with an early curiosity about sex and subsequent love of romance novels all colliding to turn me into the person I am today.

Throughout my life, in one way or another, I've been hurt by men. By my biological father and his absence (not that we're talking about that right now) these relatives and classmate that tried to take advantage of me and the men I was involved with in my 20's/30's (of which B is a part of some of those years isn't he? (we're going to skip this as well for now))...my greatest want of wanting to be loved by a [boy] being blocked by the weight that put so many off.

And so here I am.

And I am obsessed with food. It definitely is the one thing that can't hurt me (!!!!) and is always there for me.

I just want to have a normal relationship with it. I need to learn how to see it for what it is, nourishment (but that has to taste good!) for my body. Really, actually make the better choices and not just talk about them. Currently all I do is think about what I'm going to be eating next and when. I probably spend more money on groceries and eating out (fast food) than I do on anything else. I'm always worried about where my next meal (and the money for it!) is going to come from. Food. Food. Food. Food.

And I don't think that is how it's supposed to be ..is it?

Am I saying that I am a food addict? *Sigh* Probably. And maybe I'll check out an OA meeting. Maybe.

(Side note: I've got thank Gabbi a bit for being willing to share her thoughts and experiences on this subject too. Reading her blog I think planted some little tiny seeds.)

I don't want to go on a diet. I don't want to be ON a diet. I don't want to go back to those years of hating my body (self). I want to learn a new way to relate to food. I want to still be a voluptuous, curvy woman but maybe be a bit less voluptuous. More plus-sized instead of super-sized?

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So shall I just watch the movie already? Stimulate more dialog in my head? Because I'm sure it's going to lead to other questions and revelations, even if they're not quite as major.

Maybe.

Enough Debbie Downer

Some reactions to observations made while at work today...

1. It's about time I stopped being "Debbie Downer" and remind myself of the many many things I've got going for me, the things that are GOOD in my life

2. I adore my co-worker Michelle. I believe I've mentioned her before. She's the woman who (whom?) I've befriended who is both a wife and a mother and I never thought I'd be good friends with one of those :P ...I really honestly thought we wouldn't be able to relate to each other. But tonight on our dinner break I said that we were opposite sides of the coin but it works.

She and I of course have work (or rather our lack of loving it) to bond us but it's gone deeper than that. We talk about food, weight, men/relationships/sex, our families... I'm hopeful it will continue to continue when we're not at work.

And now for the list (in no certain order) beginning with something that combines both 1 and 2 ...

☯She and one of her kids (she has 3 kids and both her and her husband do their best to take turns spending time with each kid individually how freakin' AWESOME is that?) made me cookies and because they know I'm not a frosting fan, skipped the frosting. And then she also brought me a package of the limited edition gingerbread pop-tarts. Yummy!!!!

I've recently had a thing for the limited edition pop-tarts. She's giving me a box of the pumpkin ones for Xmas. Yummy!!!! (And I have no idea whatsoever to give her! But I'll come up with something...)

☯I have the most awesome roommate/landlord EVER. (So R, my expectations are quite high should I ever rent from you... :P) She keeps us in cat food, shoveled sidewalks and driveways and gets the recycling sorted and bagged up before recycling day. And all of that with a full work-load and a full-time relationship! I believe there is some truth to the saying about if you want something done, give it to a busy person...

I realize as I write that last paragraph that you might be getting the impression that I'm a slothful roommate. Well, I'm not slothful ...I'll load up the dishwasher, empty it/put dishes away, take garbage out and sometimes be the one to do the sorting of the recycling but she does just that little bit more. It makes me want to do more and ease her household duties a bit. Now if only I would put that into action instead of just yammering on about it.

☯I'm so thankful that the car accident wasn't worse. Worse in the damages done to his car and Suzette. I can still drive her and while she's a bit banged up, she still is a good girl and running for me.

☯I've got family members who are helpful and supportive. We've come a long way from the days of conflict over the religion. Oh sure, they'll always want me to come back but they've mellowed over the years ...their individuality and independence is still alive and kicking (or is back) and they know it's better to dial the religion stuff way back when they see me so we can enjoy our time together.

☯For a having a job. Especially in light of my current financial woes.

☯For flannel pajamas; internet access and this computer (even if some of the keys have started sticking lately which is driving me nuts.)

☯For my credit union taking pity on me and giving me back 1 the one and only NSF I've gotten since I opened my account in July and for giving me back the fee for the bill pay service I decided not to use.

☯For Facebook because it keeps me in touch with the various people in my life

and so many more things...

and now I think I will just stop here for tonight.

*Sigh*

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Twisted my knee twice in the last week and it hurts like a mother. So no work for me the last of days. Hobbled in to Dr. and was swollen and tender but from what he could feel, he thinks it's just a sprain. (Let's hope!) I've been ordered to stay off of it as much as I can and he gave me a few days worth of the good stuff (painkillers). He's not being pushy about the fact that my weight isn't helping my case any but I know he's concerned. He's been my favorite Dr. so far and while maybe it's his job to push me to take better care of myself, I think he knows how stubborn I am and that if he pushes I will just dig in my heels and refuse to take his advice out of pure rebellion (I get like that) ...but if this is the price I pay for being stubborn maybe it's time to grow up and start taking better care of myself.

*Sigh*

I know I need to get my physical self in order. Between my knees and my back, I'm kind of a mess.

I HATE HATE HATE that it's fucking winter. I have a hard enough time being motivated to do physical things when it's not winter. But if I have to drag my ass out and about to get some physical activity, I'd like to maybe do some aqua aerobics ...could do that and it would be easier on my knees ...

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I guess it was too good to be true that the consequences of being in a car accident with no insurance was only going to be a hefty fine. Apparently I'm just waiting to get the notice in the mail telling me what day to appear in court. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I am just going to pray that all I get is a stern lecture and have to pay the fines. While what I did was wrong, I don't know if I could handle going to jail or losing my license. I mean, I'd deal with it but I sure I hope I don't have to!

OK, have I bummed you out now? Sorry about that.

I'm survivor. I will survive this too. (I'm survivor. I will survive this too. I'm survivor. I will survive this too. I'm survivor. I will survive this too.)

Ode to Jason

My self-absorption does not only include me. :P Whenever I have somebody on the phone at work named "Jason" I always have the little thought of "that can't be his name, that belongs to my brother". Weird huh? It's just that of course, growing up, it was hearing the names of "Jason and "..Sam..." so many times together in sentences and conversations ...they can't be without the other...

Thinking about him tonight because today it was my turn to help him out. And I did it w/out question. (Giving up a day at home, in my jammies is tough for me...I freely admit that) It was his turn to need some new tires. I couldn't pay for them but I could go to the place and pick them up and deliver them to him. Frickin' least I could do for the guy.

He's got a good heart buried underneath his pessimistic shell. And oh what a pessimistic shell he has. But do I really blame him? He's had the some of the worst luck of everyone I know...had more shit dumped on him than should be.

Some of the highlights include: Having a little sister breaking his favorite "Kiss" albums in half and steal his dirty magazines; Having that same little sister who could always get him blamed and punished for something she did because when the misdeed was discovered (my new favorite word) the poor boy couldn't help but smirk and she could keep a straight (innocent!) face and then there was the time when he cashed a $500 paycheck (now we can say thank god for direct deposit right?) and then LOSING that cash...and stuff like that. When taken separately, not so terrible. Shit happens right? But this guy...it comes in bunches and waves.

But he, like me, is a survivor and he keeps on keepin' on.

After we were done dealing with the tire stuff we hung out and I got to see his apartment. Ate some dinner and talked about the mess I'm in. He's afraid for me. That I'll have to go to jail. (I definitely need to call the Violations Bureau and get the details...I've been putting it off because I'm scared of what they'll say..what if it isn't just fines???) but I need to know and stop living in fear. Face up to my misdeed. *technically it's a misdemeanor but you get what I'm sayin'

We're both just doing our best to get by.

It's funny because in so many other ways we're different. Our politics and our philosophies in life. Our beliefs and our opinions. Different as night and day. But we can agree on music and movies and TV shows (and so all is not lost when we get together)


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Can you believe it's taken me until now, tonight, to really think that in the end, with a sibling, if you're lucky, you are forever linked and that there is nobody on the earth that knows you better from your beginning than that sibling. You can tell your friends and lovers about your childhood but they're not really gonna understand it.


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It felt good to be needed by him. And you know what I want for him the most? Love. The love of a good woman (or man if that is his secret desire! :P But I highly doubt it) who will appreciate him, take good care of him, treat him well and not take advantage of his generous spirit. (Hmmm, should I go looking for him? Hmmmm. Hm...) (um, the opposite of me and our mother...kidding!)

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When he offered to let me pay him 1/2 of what I owed him, I told him no. It's about time I became financially disciplined. I've got to stop relying on people to "rescue" me (...or is it just lending a helping hand?) and that I would find a way to make this work. But I did let him send me home with food. He's like our parental units and always likes to have things on hand in the cupboard even if he never gets around to eating them. So now my cupboard has soups, chili and mac and cheese.

And he freely gives me this stuff and all this help with no grumbling. I told him I appreciated that and he just shrugged it off. He may get mad at the universe but not at his little sister.

*Sigh

I am lucky. (Ruh-roh, did I get it all? Like in a fairytale? The fairy godmothers weren't invited to his birth but then invited to mine? Hmmm, idea for a story? Do I dare write anything other than posts for this blog?) Ha!


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Well now that I'm veering off into nonsensical territory I guess I'll stop here.