It is SO possible to fall in love with strangers

Are you reading the blog "Sum of Me" that I have listed over there on my blog list? ARE YOU? You HAVE TO, you just have to. Beth's latest just about broke my heart tonight. She writes with humor, wit, passion, honesty and heart and can actually write (though thankfully I've noticed most who blog ARE writers and know what they're doing, thank god. Nothing worse than reading something full of misspelled words and bad grammar)

But seriously. Read her. Please.

OMG OMG OMG or to be yourself is all that you can do.

So I was just going through the lists of posts (cleaning 'em up 'cause I knew there were a few unfinished drafts floating out there) and came across a comment from one of the ladies who contributes to another blog I read and I'm totally psyched that I have another reader (or had one more for a night if she only read the one post!)

You all know how thrilled I am that you read this, but you're the fabulous and friends and so I know you read me and hang on to my every word... :P (or hey, if you just skim it looking for the juicy stuff that's OK too :) ) but now I see a "stranger" has read me too! Eeeeeeeeeeeee! That's so flippin' fantastic! Well just blow me down. Kisses and hugs to everyone/anyone who reads this. My little Leo heart is SO SO happy....

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Driving home tonight from work (and how insane is it that everyone's Friday is my Monday? Oh well) and mulling over what I should "talk" about tonight and one of the thoughts was about how I had just been chatting with a friend tonight and how damn brave I think she is for grabbing some issues she's been dealing with, by the big hairy balls, and is taking back control over some stuff in her life and dealing with some shit once and for all. (It does beg the question...will that actually work? I'll have to be sure to ask her...)

Oh how I wish I had the guts to do that. But I guess we all just have to find our own ways through our crap. I know I'm a work in progress and everyday is a day full of new choices. Every day is a new day to make new choices. Every day is a new day to make new choices. Every day is a new day to make new choices. (Uh, if I tell myself this enough I'll be convinced it's true...)

Tonight I will regret the choice to stop by BK on the way home because my stomach feels icky. Over the past few months, I'd been staying away from fast food ...and then the last 2 weeks has seen me say, screw that, I'm hungry and want food NOW. And I'm not happy that I'm being so hard on myself about it but it's like I know better but didn't pay any attention to that inner voice that was telling me that I could make a better choice...(but man oh man, it's exhausting to always be trying to do the right thing, make the right choice isn't it? )

But there it is, tomorrow, a new day, and I will make the choice to NOT eat any more fast food. I got groceries so there really is no need is there? Good food too. Oranges and bananas and yogurt. Chips/salsa. Fruit snacks. Orange juice. Good stuff. And even if there is stuff that maybe isn't so "good", what I have will still be waaaaay better than fast food. And after work? There is nothing wrong with having just some crackers and cheese as a "snack" when want to eat a little something.

I WILL gain back control over the things I choose to eat/drink.

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My weekend was...could have been better, could have been worse. I did get to see my honey for a bit on Wednesday night. Then Thursday I bargained myself out of getting together w/Ryan and into seeing him after I get off work tomorrow. It really does sometimes work out better to get together w/people on a day I'm already up and out. I just really really really wanted a day at home, staying in my jammies (we all really know that is about going "undergarment" free, right? 'Cause they ALL suck one way or another) and to just be alone and not have to be "on" like I tell myself I have to be with the people calling in at work and with my friends (not that they expect me to be "on" but (and I'm going to attribute this to my sign) because this Leo feels the need to shine and sparkle when around others and I just...couldn't.

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Decided to give that new show "Justified" a try. Love it. Adding it to the "really must-see" list. I keep meaning to have a post about my current TV watching but what really is there to say except that I haven't bothered with the final season of "Nip/Tuck" yet. And I'm waiting until the end of the current season to watch "Project Runway". And that I think I've given up on "Flash Forward" because I've just had other shows higher on the list that I needed to see every week but we'll see. And at some point, I'll catch up w/"The Closer" but for now I've got my hands full w/the "real must-sees".

*****

I should probably call my parent's one of these days...I know my mom will be thrilled to get a call from me. I want to do better at keeping in touch with them. (Not that I should be "shoulding" all over myself...)

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I haven't bothered to get my hair cut quite yet. Maybe I'll just let it keep growing. I haven't had it long in years (or have I? Time is just whizzing on by isn't it?) and I like the way I look w/longer hair...

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So this is supposed to be my year of wild (and/or grand) adventures ...and I think I need to be thinking about the next one. I was actually thinking I hadn't had one since zipping off to San Diego for Scotty's birthday last month, but I think I'm going to consider having B, er, I mean having a date w/B, ;) in a hotel room last week as the latest one. So there. You're on track, Sam. Just keep being open to new things. Right. Right. Uh huh.

With the big "4-0" rapidly approaching, my thoughts are heading toward a meaningful, significant, BIG, wild way to celebrate and my mind is completely blank. I don't necessarily want to celebrate out of town because who could join me? Most everybody I care about is already here (and I'm flying Scotty in here or else! :P ) so why not just find something lovely to do in this town? It'll be summertime so that's a plus.

Pfffft. No need to fret about it tonight.

Well I think that's about all for now. Time to go "farmin'" and then settle down for the night.

Onward. With eyes half-shut.

And it was soooooo worth it!!!!

It was A M A Z I N G, wonderful, sweet, sexy, passionate, loving, tender, just totally awesome. We are soooo doing THAT again (getting a room!)

'nuff said.

Long time no post

Well, I guess it's only been a little over a week and I think I've gone longer than that between posts before.

It's a Thursday evening and I'm hanging out in a hotel room, killing time, while waiting to meet up w/B. I got a room for us for his birthday. In our many years together, we've never had a hotel room so this is gonna be fun and different for us.

It's not a fancy place. Just a Days Inn but it's functional and clean. And it has a pool! Have I ever mentioned how much I love swimming even though I rarely go/do it.

I checked in and then and went and had me a little me time in the water. I love the feeling of floating weightlessly. I actually had it to myself too. Yippee! But at the same time it was a little lonely. It would have been nice if B could have joined me for that but he is still working. And later we're gonna be much too busy to be thinking about swimming! ;)

This is my only full day off this week since I picked up a few hours for a co-worker yesterday. But I'm not complaining after I had that nice 4 day off stretch last week.

The Thursday was a bust though...was supposed to attempt to get together w/B and Ryan both but neither happened. Oh well. Then Friday was a day I thought would have me leaving the house to go somewhere, do something, anything, since it was a payday too but nope. Ended up just staying home.

4 days at home and the good news is that I didn't fall into a pit of depression from being so isolated...not that I'm ever really alone thanks to living w/the fabulous and her animals but...in the past not talking to anyone would have sent me over the edge. Not this time. Hallelujah! What a freakin' relief. I was a little bit worried but it was all for naught.

So now it's my day off and tomorrow a full work week starts up again. And life continues on.

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Continuing to feel grateful for so many things in my life, including the fact that the other day I got pulled over...apparently my left turn signal was not working, same with the left light/brake light. Thankfully I was wearing my seat belt AND I didn't get a ticket. Just a nice warning. And now thanks to my brother, they're working again...well the left turn signal works when the lights are on so until I can take it in to get properly fixed, I'll just drive during the day w/the lights on. No biggie.

Oh! There is no fridge in the room but duh, I could go get some ice to nestle my Vitamin Water in to chill it. Or just drink it over ice...

But then I'd have to go get dressed and I don't want to do that until I take my shower and start to get ready for B. Yup. I think I just admitted I'm writing this starkers. Are you shocked? Appalled? Titillated? :P

There is something very freeing and a little bit naughty about being buck naked in a hotel room! (Yes, I've got the doors bolted/chained) But after I was done swimming, as much as I don't care for the smell of chlorine, I just didn't feel like jumping in the shower...I can't think of why not right now and so now of course I'm thinking I should...

So enough for now.

Onward. To the shower.

And they just keep on talking to me

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Most Leos are fairly high-maintenance. It's hard not to be when you (secretly, perhaps) think of yourself as minor royalty. There may be nothing you can do about that; Leos aren't astrologically wired to be as laid-back and easygoing as Sagittarians or Aquarians. However, evolved Leos find ways to maintain themselves. That means not shoving the burden of treating you like royalty onto others, but doing what you need to please yourself so that other people can simply enjoy you. You and I both know you're not really low-maintenance; this week, strive to make sure that we're the only ones in on the secret.

(Sign Language in Seattle Weekly)

Nothing wrong with doing nothing...right?

Day 2 of my 4 day off stretch. I thought I would be bored. I actually considered giving back my vacation days so that I could have them to use later but then decided it was worth it just to NOT be at work for a couple of extra days. Even if I do have the occasional bout of boredom.

Today so far has been about getting around to a shower and doing a load of laundry.

Yesterday was about catching up on the latest (final book?) in the Harper Connelly series/"Grave Secret" by Charlaine Harris and then getting all caught up on this season of "Supernatural".

Tomorrow will be about seeing B, hopefully and/or Ryan. (I've yet to figure this one out...I made a "date" w/Ryan so that should be priority but Thursdays have been my B night for the last few weeks...crap, double crap.) Don't want to NOT see B. I want to see my honey. Maybe I should insist we 3 have dinner together....but I know neither of them would be crazy about that idea....

I'm thinking about getting my hair cut...professionally. I've been doing it myself for awhile now ...the only person I could be upset with if it didn't turn out OK was me. Having ridden the roller coaster of best haircut followed by bad one (with the same stylist no less!) I gave up. But I think it's time I took a chance again. So I'll really seriously think about it. Maybe I'll splurge and have it colored too. Hide these few stray grays I've got. But will that just start me down the road of constantly coloring? Maybe. Maybe not.

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So I decided to not continue taking the Improv class. The timing just wasn't right. Having to hustle afterward and worrying about getting to work on time was too much stress. (Can't you tell I'm really aiming for as stress-free a life as I can possibly have these days? :P ) But it was a good thing I got an idea of what it will be all about, because if it is offered again, some evening, on a day that is my day OFF, I will sign up for it again.

Life back to what it was before. Will have to find something else to do to liven it up. Then again, don't know why I'm so obsessed with shaking it up. My life is perfectly fine. Absolutely nothing to complain about. Yet I think maybe I am waiting for something to come along and fuck everything up because it feels wrong that everything is OK.

Shit, it took me a LOT to get here though. I was reminded of that when I was skimming my old journals looking for something B says we did back in August of '97. Reading bits of entries was exhausting. I was always so tired. Then again I'm not surprised. If I wasn't working 3 jobs at one time, I was partying with Scotty and other friends or dealing with the various men and "relationships" I was in, in my melodramatic way.

But in moving forward and keeping my eyes so firmly on the now, I've put out of my mind a lot of stuff that wasn't so bad. Like being someone who was competent and successful enough to get offered the job of Patron Services Manager at Jeune Lune (R.I.P) or ....crap, my mind is a blank. But there was a lot of living going on my life and it's all been blotted out. Like in throwing out all the bad and sad, I threw out the good too.

There are people in my life who I've known for YEARS and whenever I'm reminded of something we shared in the past, it's like I'm being a told a story about somebody else.

So am I tempted to go back and really do some proper reading of these journals? Could I handle it now? Maybe. Maybe not.

I don't know. I do wonder how I got here to my current life sometimes. I guess I just kept on putting one foot in front of the other and making choices that were OK for me. Had I known I would get to a place where I was content and had many things to be grateful for, maybe I wouldn't have "gnashed my teeth" so much.

Don't get me wrong, I know I've still got issues to work on (not great at managing my money, still not getting off my ass to find a better fitting job, etc.) but I know I'm still a work in progress just like everyone else.

I'm hungry so now I'll go find something to eat. (Ooooh, try not to let all this excitement get to you.)

Onward. With a growling stomach.

Just....right on.

Push hard to get better, become smarter, grow your devotion to the truth, fuel your commitment to beauty, refine your emotional intelligence,hone your dreams, negotiate with your shadow, cure your ignorance, shed your pettiness, heighten your drive to look for the best in people, and soften your heart -- even as you always accept yourself for exactly who you are with all of your so-called imperfections. - *PRONOIA* (Rob Brezsny)