Life goes on

Obla dee, obla da.

It's been a week since my loss. I got a sympathy/condolence card from the vet's office today. Which was very kind of them. I managed not to bawl when I read it. And then this afternoon I had phone conversation with my brother (he joined Facebook and I had to give him some tips) and had to relive it a little. I managed to not cry then either so maybe I'm ready to talk to my friends again (I know it's OK if I still feel like crying about it if I want to, I just don't want to anymore.) Soon having every experience I have had in my room with Louis won't hurt quite as much as having them without him around...last night it was being with B and tonight it was folding laundry on the bed. He was always curious about what was going on and would be up here hanging out, watching me (uh he only did/watched the latter, not the former :P )

Is it crazy of me to have commissioned Jenn to paint a mini-portrait of him?

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Random thoughts/tangent:

I know there are things in my life that need a changin' and yet I'm verrrrrrrrrrrry unmotivated to actually do something, anything about them.

What good are good intentions when you take no action?

I am dipping a toe in some water though...I was watching the latest episode of "Fringe" tonight and at one point, I wondered to myself, what exactly was "Astrid's" job title/description, which led to thoughts of finding out more about law enforcement job descriptions. I think it would be cool to use a computer to help solve crimes.

I've got a site bookmarked that supposedly will quiz me and be able to tell me if a career in law enforcement is for me. No, not being a cop (I'd never pass the physical!) but maybe working in a precinct for the FBI or Homeland Security or ? doing data entry and research.

And then there is my other recent brilliant idea...going into business for myself as a computer tutor of sorts...see I talk to a lot of "older folks" on the phone who are just not comfortable using the internet and sadly doing things online is the wave of the future. The options of things you can do and accomplish just by being online are huge. Yes, one doesn't need the internet but it sure can make life a bit easier sometimes. Banking, grocery shopping, etc. And while it can be a big, scary place, if you know the basics then it's not as intimidating.

Actually, this idea really kind of intrigues me. But what exactly would I need to know or do? And how much would I charge -if anything? Maybe this needs to be something I need to find and can volunteer my services for. Will the fact that I don't have formal education be a problem? Not necessarily. Being self-taught has been OK. But then again, taking a class or two wouldn't hurt would it? Fill in the gaps in my own knowledge.

Hmm. More homework to do.

Or this is just another crazy idea as I cast about for the next big think...thing.

Why I can't just be content to just be I don't know. It feels wrong to be doing nothing to become a better person. Yet I persist in doing nothing. (I sure like writing about doing nothing though...this blog gives me some purpose and my life some meaning)


*******

Well, maybe time to start winding down...the new shift starts tomorrow. Gonna have to start getting to bed earlier from now one...I'll aim for 2am instead of 4am.

Welp. Onward. With slightly less of a heavy sigh.

Just a good reminder for me

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Knowing yourself is a strength—but like all strengths, it can become a weakness. How, you ask, could self-knowledge ever be a character flaw? When it starts holding you back. For instance, when you're so certain about who you are that change is virtually impossible. Then you can't really grow, and you keep yourself from fantastic, enriching experiences. You may know who you were, but remember: who you are and will be is always changing, transforming, and expanding—or it should be. Don't let what you think you know about yourself keep you from becoming a better person or having a cooler life.

(Seattle Weekly/Sign Language January 28, 2010)

Let's change the subject shall we?

Oh I had an idea of what subject to talk about instead and now I've completely forgotten it.

Or what the hell, let's just talk about my current preoccupation...grieving over the loss of Louis.

I didn't appreciate him enough while he was around.

Tonight it was a week ago tonight he was still with me...I didn't really want to believe it would be the last night he would be with me, but deep down I just knew it was his time . And then of course tomorrow, one week since "D-Day."

I've been in touch with another Jenn (yes, 2 "n"s are correct) who is an artist and we're going to see if, based on the few small pictures of him that I have, it would be possible for her to paint a mini-portrait of him for me.

She's so talented and I think she could do him justice based on some of her other works that she's got on display at her website thepracticalgallery.com

But only if the pictures I provided are good enough. (Oh please let them be good enough)

I've been giving the roommates cat a little bit more attention the last few days. His name is Sebastian and he's got the softest fur and is sweet and affectionate too. He's also a big boy like Louis was once upon a time. I feel a little bit guilty and like I'm cheating on Louis but at the same time, it makes me feel better to give love and attention to someone, er, a living creature, who appreciates it so much. Cats are so great that way. They can't get enough petting, stroking and scratches under the ears and chin.

Pickles, the dog, isn't getting quite as much love and attention from me these days...sadly I'm a little cat-focused right now. But I don't feel too terrible about that because for the most part since I moved in, I've been very dog-focused. (It felt like I was cheating on Louis when I paid attention to Sebastian.)

So it's the weekend again. I was planning on spending it...moping around...but I may have to work on Friday...actually, I've got to get out of it. It's not official yet and I should make sure it doesn't happen. I just can't deal with that place right now. Had my monthly call review today and those always wipe me out as I take in the constructive criticism and think about the things I can improve upon.

I should see if I can find her number...the woman who wants me to cover for her. She's old school and I bet they have a home phone still...

But I'll have to make a deal with myself..if I don't work her shift on Friday, I can't just sit at home. I have to get together with at least one of my friends. Hmmm. OK. That's the deal Sam.

Onward. With heavy heart.

Sad but not (or welcome to more deep/dark Sam thoughts)

The hardest thing still is being in my room. I can deal while I'm gone...at work. Smile and genuinely laugh and then come home, come up here and he's not waiting for me and I'm a wreck all over again.

I've got friends who want to talk to me...in person but I just can't do it. If we talk about it, I'm gonna have to relive it all over again (aren't I?) ....

*sigh*

I've decided to obsess over 2 new songs the past few days..last time was "I'd Rather Dance With You" by Kings of Convenience (still slightly obsessed with that one) and "Elevator Love Letter" by Stars...

This time around is 2 new songs by John Mayer, off the new album "Battle Studies" ...

Edge of Desire and
Heartbreak Warfare.

Both contain specific lyrics I'm soooo relating to right now...ah yes, I get it...it's another bit of misdirection to throw me off my grief!

First there was the anger at B for not being able to be with me last Thursday (D-Day) or Friday.

Now there is...observations? ... about how I feel about my relationship w/him:

(from Edge of Desire

Don't say a word; just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it; I'm scared you'll forget about me.

and

Heartbreak Warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

----

You know here I go on and on about all of this and I'm totally just forgetting there are all sorts of tragic things going on in this world that are much worse than losing my best friend...

I'm not a news reader and usually avoid keeping up with major news stories but recently read just a tiny bit about the earthquake in Haiti and holy shit. I didn't realize it was as bad as it was. I thought people were making a big deal over something not really that big. Wrong!

I stopped reading the news years ago because it was just too depressing and with my propensity to "fall off the cliff" into a black hole, it's just too much. I just try to surround myself with things that I enjoy and distract me from dwelling on negative things and/or things that I can't change or control. But I can't live in this world without getting some of the "highlights" ...so Haiti.

Fuck. They need so much help. So many people/places need help. But so many also need help here.

*****

I've talked a bit over the years about volunteering ...but I'm sure just like with a lot of stuff in my life; school, new job, etc. it will be all talk and no action.

Bah. Meh.

Enough of THAT kinda talk. Be kind to yourself Sam. You CAN change what you want to change.

OK, where was I?

I'm really glad that Jen has animals. They are helping. Will I be willing to take even the smallest risk that this would happen again? Nope. Not now anyway.

Well.

Onward. With a stooping shuffle.

Day 2 or is it Day 1?

I could only escape into the oblivion of sleep for so long.

Crying last night as I went to sleep because he wasn't on the bed with me.

Crying as I woke up (the 2nd time around) because looking around the room in the daylight and no sign of him..just a slightly used cat box, a bowl of water and lots and lots of cat hair everywhere

Crying as I talked to my mother on the phone.

Crying as I talked to B on the phone, as I asked if he could come over tonight (he couldn't last night...don't even get me started...then again being mad at him tonight is keeping me from crying...or are my expectations too high?)

Crying as I talked to my Pop on the phone.

Only silver lining, I got the shift I wanted for work with the new shift bid. Hallelujah for small blessings...yes, I said blessings. World at large: Just because I'm no longer a Jehovah's Witness doesn't mean I don't believe in God. I will be starting earlier :( (but at least not before noon and that truly is something this night owl is grateful for) and the good news about that is ending earlier...in fact, w/flexing, I'll be done before 9pm. That and Louis being gone are going to be big changes in my life going forward.

******

Wanting to drown my sorrows in food.

******

And everybody being so supportive and kind and feeling my pain makes me cry all over again. I'm blessed with so many caring people in my life.

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He should be right next to me now as I hang out on the bed, on the computer. Being there for me to pet and stroke as I watch TV online and surf the net.


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Now I'm going to escape into some of that TV online...take me away "The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men and Castle"

Oh crap, BBT has me laughing. (Sheldon getting caught up in the security system electrified net)

&&&&&&&&

How on earth does one survive a new existence without something beloved constantly around?

Is it a bad thing that I washed the sheets, turned the bed around, got rid of the litter box/litter and swept up my room?

And I swear I head him crunch on a piece of dry cat food earlier tonight.

And....

I think I'm going to just stop right there.

Louis 1993 (?) to January 21, 2010

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to write this without crying but I need to do it. I've been crying all afternoon and have the WORST FUCKING HEADACHE ever. I just downed 4 ibruprofen and hope that does the trick.

I can barely stand to be in my room...finally came up here just now. I avoided it this afternoon because everywhere I look I'm reminded of him...but I wanted my bed and my pj's and sleeping downstairs while doable, is not as comfortable.

Today was the day I finally faced up to the reality of Louis and his failing health. The clincher was that last night, he could barely walk, not to mention a big open sore on his side. Jen and P'Bau were stellar in helping me bandage it up after putting iodine on it. Then Jen offering to help me out once again with the vet. (Who am I that I can't even get my financial shit together so that I don't have to be in this position?)

Last night we cuddled in bed together and he was just so lethargic and sleepy...he slept the night through by my head even, which is..was not his normal place to sleep on the bed...preferring the bottom corner by my feet...

Anyway, I got an appt. at the vet for 3:30pm. We hung out...my reading a silly book to just keep my mind off of what might have to happen and then off we went. Did I know that it would be the last time I would be carrying him downstairs and taking him for a ride? Probably. I was partly praying he was just sick and that it wasn't a big deal but I also knew that he was in really really bad shape.

The vet, a nice woman named Cynthia Fetzer, said he probably had cancer, on top of a mass in his abdomen and something else to do with his blood. So yes, I could have spent tons of money getting him tested and treating him but I made a kinder, for him, difficult, for me choice.

I took one last picture of him on the table and Dr. Fetzer (I'm sure just trying to help me feel better) said, look, he's saying thank you in the way he was looking at me. I'm going to choose to believe that. I knew that he was more than just sick and this really was the only choice. I told him I loved him and thanked him for keeping me from being lonely.

I stayed with him while they administered the sedative...watching him relax as I just kept stroking him broke my heart all over again, then they gave him THE injection and then that was that. His heart stopped beating and he stopped his labored breathing. I am glad I stayed with him. It was one of the, if not the most, hardest things I've ever had to do.

I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of crying eyes and when I go to sleep tonight I wonder if I'll feel him on top of me...he loved to come and lay on me when I was under the covers.

He loved to be waiting for me when I got home from work and would talk to me...often times I'd beg him for a just a bit of quiet so I could unwind in peace. Oh how I'd give anything to hear some of that chatter right now.

He was affectionate and sweet and oh so smart. And so so beautiful. He was a bit of an odd duck too in that there were certain things that freaked him out e.g. my putting hand lotion on. If he was on the bed with me when I would do that, he run and jump off and go elsewhere.

He loved to run from side to side in a frantic rush...as if something was chasing him and then he'd just stop. He used to hide out whenever anybody he didn't know came over but as the years passed, he became less scared and would let new people pet him.

Oh sure, we had some challenging years there when I lived on Grand Ave. in St. Paul when we went through a phase (OK, it was a years long phase) of letting me know he was unhappy with the lack of attention by leaving me "presents" by the front door. (Another reason to be happy to then be living somewhere with wood floors!) And maybe I wasn't the most responsible mother in that I didn't take him to the vet for regular check-ups but I loved him best I could.

How am I gonna stand his not being here? I really truly feel like I lost my best friend. The one thing in this world that saved me from being truly alone, on my own.

I know he's in a much better place now and that is a comfort. No more pain. No more hanging around just to hang around for his human who was too stubborn to let him go. But fucking A. Why does it have to hurt so much?

Rest in peace Louis, rest in peace. You will be missed.

And already the month of January is half-way over

Cor, I'm tired.

Been staying up too late lately (gee, what else is new) and I've had the intention to go to bed earlier so that I can start getting used to going to bed earlier, which I'll need to be doing once we start our new shifts...not that I know what I'm gonna get yet but it certainly won't be with a 2pm start time!

I was brave (or crazy) and wrote a note to the big cheese in reservations and asked for some insight into why the lack of 2nd shifts this time around ..that it was yet another change and we've already been through so much change in our office...then we had a chat about it and we'll just have to see how things go.

Hmm. it's been a good week. Had a great weekend last weekend (and thrilled the next one is just a day away) in that I had a date with B on Thursday -our first of this year! and then on Friday was hanging with Ryan. We watched "Something Something Something Dark Side" ("Family Guy") and "The Brothers Bloom". Both were good. Enjoying pizza and ice cream and just having a mellow evening.

Louis is hanging in there...not eating so much and it's getting harder for him to jump up and down off the bed, even with the box he uses for a step...but other than that...he's still drinking water and using his litter box...so I'm clinging to the thought that maybe he will just slowly wind down and one day and if he decides to leave this earth, that he just goes to sleep and doesn't wake up. I don't want him in pain or suffering for my own selfish reason of not being able to let him go but I can't let him go.

He's sitting here beside me now, just purring away from my petting him. He seems content. I just don't think it's his time quite yet...

I'm sure there must be more exciting things to write about but frankly I haven't got the energy or motivation. Maybe it will be an early night after all, for real.

Until next time.