A million things I want to do...oh, actually just one right now.

Hey peeps, am finally doing some listening at Pandora. Totally cool and like perfect! While it's fun to put the ipod on shuffle, this is going to introduce me to artists I might not have known about otherwise and have me listening to tracks I've downloaded but not listened to yet.

It's my Saturday night and I'm just hanging. Thinkin' about doing some laundry and tidying up my room. We'll see. I was supposed to have a date w/B tonight but that fell through. 3/4 bummed and 1/4 relieved because now I can have a "jammie's" day. You know how I like those!

Maybe it'll be good to just listen to music and putz around tonight..haven't done that in a long while. There are too many choices of what to watch and what to read so I'm going to make a choice by not choosing either of those things to focus on (for right now anyway) and just do this.

Tomorrow is SPCO turnback shift at 5pm and then together w/Shanna afterward. We don't know what we'll be doing yet but we want it to be fun!

Rapid change of topic ahead. A subject came up recently and I needed to reflect upon it for a bit. It is something that happened to me in the past and it can happen again though I'm doing my damnedest to make sure it doesn't.

In all this hating of my job lately I've got lots of thoughts running through my head and of course I'm being scared off of even looking for something else because of all the things I read and hear about ...there being less work and then there being even more competition for those few jobs. I know I'm really good at the service part of my job but do I really want to compete with others who are as well (it galls me to think about that...let alone admit it but I know it's true) and then potentially lose?

And of course I was thinking about what would happen if I lost the job? Am I prepared for that? No, right now it feels like that if that happened then I'd have to kill myself and yeah, while there is the hate of the job right now, I would hate being unemployed even more...maybe this is a strong indicator that I need to be back in therapy. Being employed full-time is like my anchor. Without work I'd really be drifting and lost in this great big sea of life.

Now of course I'm being melodramatic. Truth is that I've survived being unemployed before and it's doable but not good for me. Actually, when was the last time I was unemployed? Actually it's been over 6 years. Good for me! I've been at the SPCO for almost 5 (next month it will be 5 years), and at the airline for over 2 years. The last year being the first year I've been doing them both (In between there was the side trip of the opera job but we're not gonna talk about that anymore are we :P) and grateful for the bounty of employment I have.

I think I know what's at the heart of the hate of being unemployed...the no income part. Duh! If that's mainly it, then that's not so bad right?

So if I were to dream about a different job what would I dream about? What are the things about my current job that I do like? What kind of other work should I look for? Still work in a call center? Nope. I don't think so. The pressure ofmaintaining stats seem to be worse in call centers. I get why they're necessary in that environment but I don't like it. (The fact of being tied to your desk and having to account for every minute -even when you have to go pee! -is why I have no interest in being a receptionist...I don't want to worry about justifying my leaving my desk!)

OK, what else? OH, I know what I was thinking about the other day...what about working in a Sky Club or something like that. Service that is the product. Brilliant! Now I just have to do some research on it. How on earth do I find out how to get a job in one. Then again, I bet they want people who look more professional and polished. (I'm not fond of professional and polished is a good look on me but it's not ME everyday. Actually, I've been paying a bit more attention to my appearance the last couple of weeks. Oh I still have my schlubby days (real weekends) but I'm wearing my nicer clothes more often, putting on earrings 1/2 the time and doing something with my hair besides a ponytail. This is Shanna's influence on me.)

I really should find out more. Wonder if I should email my manager and ask for her advice? Maybe not a smart idea to "show my hand" though...but she did tell me in our first one-on-one get together months ago that if there was another job besides reservations that I wanted, then she would help me get there. Hmm. Gonna think about this for a minute before I go shooting off an email.

Actually, I think I'm going to go do some looking around the company intranet and see if I can find anything.

>>>>

Well, that was not a complete waste of time. I am reminded of what they are but I need to find out a lot more about what it is they do and how many people they need to do it. Do they even have a phone line that a person can work, only handling Sky Club issues? From what little I know from my side of things, I think most business is just done at each location so do they have to wear uniforms like all of the other customer service positions? I wonder what exactly they do for the people that come in. Process memberships and...? I wonder what a typical day is like? What do they need to know?

I really need to get more information. I'm debating whether or not I should send an inquiring email?

I found the area where you can view available positions and I didn't see anything that was for the Sky Club. Is that because there aren't any or that's not where you go to find out about them?

I'm reeeeaaaaalllllly tempted to send the email. Email them directly...but again, I'm wondering if I really should talk to my manager first. Now, thankfully, my manager isn't really my supervisor aka can fire me. She's more like a coach. And a good one at that. With her encouragement and support, this summer before we switched over to the new system, I got my talk time down and my calls per hour up and all without sacrificing service...in fact, I had higher satisfaction scores than I thought I would!

Do I dare trust her though with this? I think I need to have a conversation with someone about this. Her or ?

I need to believe that there is a better job for me out there. In the meantime I will be grateful for the employment. Maybe even try to really stay positive about it and see if it really can get me somewhere else.

And as stated above, focus on the positive things that I enjoy about the job....be happy when I do get to say yes and give someone what they want (the few times it happens.) I totally get off on that...and figure out how to deal with all the no's I have to say.

Hmm, what else do I like about it? I like using a computer to find answers to questions. I like talking with people and really helping them feel good about their choices. I like thinking of ideas and solutions that work for challenges and problems.

&&&^^^^^*****

OK, things to be mulling over. In the meantime, life and a necessary thing to do for myself with my employer...I have to take some time this week to do the research and figure out which health plan to sign up for for 2010. I've got to decide which health plan will pale in comparison to what I got used to for the last 2 years. The great thing I had with Stay Well, Stay Working is all done. : (

Maybe that'll be what I "do" while working tomorrow night. TB shifts are incredibly easy and boring. Just answer the occasional phone call and do a 30-second transaction on the computer. Get it done.

Onward....to tidying the room and putzing.

OMG! Best whatchamacallit EVER!

OK, so I just started watching the latest episode of "Castle" and there was the best bit EVER ...you know this show right? It stars Nathan Fillion, formerly of a little known/canceled too soon, brilliant show called "Firefly" ...suffice it to say they just TOTALLY did the coolest thing...it's so cool I gotta go find it on You Tube and put it here. For any fan of "Firefly" it's NOT to be missed!

OK, that didn't quite work...too lazy to go and find another way to get the clip...just click on this or copy/paste...it's the best 35 seconds/beginning of an episode EVER!

http://www.hulu.com/watch/104731/castle-vampire-weekend

Hmm, post it here or in the other blog? Read at your own risk.

I hate work right now and I'm wondering if I should vent here or not? Well, vent again as I've vented before or no, stop. Enough is enough. Then again this is a diary and my diaries have never not been there for me when I needed to vent.

Poor J and her honey P got an earful when I got home from work tonight because I just couldn't hold it in. J is always so polite in asking how my night was. I bet she wishes she didn't always ask! Thought that could/would be enough for tonight but nope.

Then again, I need to focus on the positive and not the negative. Let's not send me down that fucking path.

Oooh, just got sidetracked by finding the receipt w/survey instructions from earlier today when I stopped at taco bell before work (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but I've only had fast food 2 x's in the last week! That's a major improvement for me!) and am complaining to them ..."Today got soft taco sups w/out tomatoes, rec'd 3 soft: 1 w/only meat & cheese no sour cream or lettuce; 1/w/meat, cheese & lettuce no sour cream & 1 w/meat, sour cream, cheese & no lettuce. Thought all 4 were what soft taco sup is...am I wrong? " [only allowed 250 characters] but I think the system is set up to reject moving forward (you know, "next") when there is criticism! I swear it knows I'm trying to complain! So then it occurred to me that I'm taking my frustrations out by complaining about someone else's employer/company and I can't decide if I feel bad about it or not. Guess what? Couldn't submit with any comments after all and couldn't even finish so just forgetting about it. Whatever. I have been one of the lucky few (from what I hear) who hasn't had a drive-thru order fucked up so I guess it was just my turn. And Guess what? WE DON'T LIVE IN A PERFECT FUCKING GODDAMN WORLD.

I'm "kicking the dog" wait that doesn't sound right. I'm "kicking the cat" ...nope that doesn't sound right either...I'm "kicking the bird" ...there, that's better. There are no birds in the house. Besides what else is there after bird? You know what I"m talking about right? The Boss kicked (yelled?) at the employee, the employee kicked the spouse/wife, the wife kicked the kid, the kid kicked the dog, ...get it? The butterfly effect w/violence.

But they need to know. Will it ensure that it won't happen again? Nope, but maybe it'll happen less. (Disregard this sentence, as you saw from above my attempts to complete this were in vain but I like the sentiment so I'm leaving it in :> )

I thought playing around on delta.com the other night would help me do my job better but nope, not as much as I would have liked.

But what else is there in this economy and job market? A lot of my co-workers have their own frustrations with the job (the m-e-r-g-e-r, the r-e-m-o-d-e-l) ...one referred to is being in "golden handcuffs" and ain't that the truth!

Hey, I just summed it up beautifully to Shanna in a chat. "just a hard night. lots of apologizing to the callers and i hate to do that. there are so many things wrong now" (yup, allow myself to leave the caps "off" when chatting.) and also "that's an understatement. our working environment has changed, our systems have changed, our people have changed...."

That explains it all big-picture wise.

OK, time to breathe and re-focus on the fact that by having a job it affords me a life I enjoy. My brother is still unemployed...10 months going on 11. I don't remember the last time he was out of work this long. Though I think the last few months he hasn't even been trying to find work...he's so discouraged. And my cousin too, stuck up in Floodwood. (AKA hell [for him]) ...his dad laid down the law..either he go to meetings with them or he can't live there. Fucking A! My cousin is over 40 years old for fuck's sake. While I respect the fact that he feels that way, it's also seriously fucked up. But where else can he go?

Breathe Sam, breathe.

Thank goodness I have some jelly belly jelly beans to munch ( ;) ) on. (Preceded by a golden delicious apple, apple fritter bread w/cream cheese and cheddar pita chips)

Now maybe time for some escapism. Last nights TV was encore night for everything but "Castle" and if ever there was a light and fluffy, pure entertainment show to watch it's that one.

Oh! And speaking of TV, what does that say about my taste in TV right now that I haven't been in any hurry whatsoever to watch the new season of "Nip/Tuck" that began a couple of weeks ago?

Later.

The drapes match the carpet...but the duvet cover doesn't quite match the sheets

After reading the horoscope from last week, I decided to focus on the sweet, real things that are already a part of my relationship with B. He does nice things for me all the time and I need to appreciate them more. (And of course vice versa!)

============

OK, so I'm kind of weird, but I only have one set of sheets for my bed these days. Sadly (though also secretly glad because it's fun getting new bed linens!), I recently had to replace the current set. But I'm thinking it maybe wasn't the most brilliant idea to pick a color that won't show the cat hair, brown. I'll just have to add a reminder to my calendar to frequently remind me to "de-fur" it. :P I love my boy but there is too much goddamn hair! Gave him a good brushing tonight so that should help for a day or so. I decided to pick up a comforter cover as well because they were on sale and I figured it would be easier to wash than the comforter...the shades of brown between the sheets and the cover don't quite match but close enough...

&&&&&&&

It was a lovely weekend. Spent time with B and Ryan. Thursday was about sleepin' in and being lazy until it was time for my date w/B. He took me to a nice place, Caffe Biaggio in St. Paul. (Who knew that there was a nice restaurant on University Ave/St. Paul!?) I had a glass of Prosecco and a yummy entree that was actually an appetizer of a homemade sausage pizza. I feel a bit dumb for having had the pizza as my entree but everything else on the menu was not quite what this fussy-but-trying-not-to-be fussy eater would eat. B had flank steak and polenta. (Yeah, there was that and a couple of other things I could have ordered like spaghetti, etc. but the pizza was a safe bet) I sampled his polenta and steak though...I wanted to try the polenta because it's been prepared a lot on all these cooking shows that I've been watching like "Top Chef" and I've been wondering what exactly it was and how it tasted ...my verdict? It was OK. Now the steak on the other hand was truly delicious....so tender and juicy....but hey you know, the polenta wasn't the only thing I've tried recently...when I was at Hell's Kitchen w/Shanna last week (or was it week before?) I actually tried asparagus. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but again, like polenta, not quite my cup of tea. I'm trying! Slowly but surely my palate will evolve beyond where it's at now...

Anyhoo, my pizza was "gourmet" so I am going to stop feeling bad about it. Fresh and light w/homemade italian sausage.

It was nice to be on a date. We've had a lot of breakfast dates lately and while that's fine, woman can not live on breakfast alone!

Then Friday, PAYDAY! Ran some errands, worked a turnback shift for the SPCO and then got to catch up with Ryan. But before I talk about how fun that was, let me vent a little about how much I hate dealing with parking in downtown St. Paul (uh, repeat much?) ...I'm seriously considering telling them to schedule me for concerts, outside of downtown St. Paul or I'm done. Is that overly dramatic? I'm just so spoiled by having a car and having free parking wherever else I go. The inconvenience of driving around hoping for a free meter and then not finding one and having to just settle for the closest place (since I'm usually running late by then) and pay $10 to park for 3-3 1/2 hours is insane!

I'm getting spoiled by the things in my life that aren't challenging.

(When I was hanging out w/Shanna last week we talked about public transportation. We both have a ton of experience on it. The thought came up that it might be a good idea if I experienced the use of public transportation from here to work someday so I'd know what it was like, in case Suzette had to go away for a while (e.g. mechanic) ...I don't relish the thought, but it makes sense. Or maybe I'll just wait until I have no other choice. :P I'm just thankful I've had Suzette the last couple of years but know it can change anytime.)

Anyhoo, back to time w/Ryan. We had a nice cocktail or two and some liquid crack ...no, no, just a yummy mixture of tomatoes, cream cheese and smoked sausage (did I get that right R?) and did some catching up and then we watched "Frequency". It came out about 10 years ago but I never really wanted to see it. Big mistake. It was really good.

Now, back to the work week and life as I know it.

< Sigh >

Oooh, this is right on the money!

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

You're sometimes subject to what I call Movie Mentality. That is, you want things to play out something like the way they'd happen in a movie. You want to be swept off your feet in a whirlwind romance, or be the hero of your own adventure—or at least the main character in it. This is all due to your romantic nature, and, yes, your big ego. However, rarely does life reflect the movies. Trying to make it look that way often makes people feel weird and uncomfortable, especially when they'd rather it just be what it is, and real. Try to see the beauty, poetry, and drama in that, even if it's not as spectacular as what you'd see on the silver screen.

(From Seattle Weekly/Sign Language)

From all the romances I've read and the romantic movies I've watched how can I but help but want my own romantic reality to be as exciting as what I've read or seen. Is that really so wrong?

Something to ponder. I do concede it never hurts to just live in the now and enjoy the real, true romantic moments I do get/have. And I get plenty. B is such a patient, loving man w/me. He makes me feel like a sexy goddess and that is wonderful in and of itself.

Just happy it's my weekend.

'Nuff said. For now.

Happy Happy B-day J!

I hope you had a wonderful day (even if you weren't necessarily looking forward to it :) )

I hope it doesn't seem weird to post this, but we've gotten to know each other a little better over the past couple of weeks AND You're the reason I started doing the blog thing in the first place (the latter is reason enough to do this! :P ) Having this blog is such a cool thing in my life...I desperately needed an outlet for my inner drama queen/wannabe writer.

Did I ever tell you how I found your blog? Oh, I think I did once...I wanted to know more about you...the mysterious yet warm and friendly woman who would be housing me.

So I Googled you. (I love Google but I wonder if Bing is all that and a bag of chips. Anyone? Anyone?)

I didn't know what a blog was. I'd heard of them of course, knew that at one point they were all the rage (but like with most things in my life, I came late to that party i.e. sex, drugs, cell phones, etc.) but I had no idea how wonderful they were.

I've told you this already but I really do appreciate how you've made me feel at home here.

I was hesitant and excited both when it came time for me to decide to move out of my last place. I liked your ad immediately and when I came to see the place, your energy was infectious (and the price was right!) so here I am. Over a year later. I really didn't think I would be here that long as I was still in moving-to-London-at-some-point-sooner-rather-than-later mode.

I appreciate having a place to live while I figure my shit out (and someone who can tolerate the fact that I HATE HATE doing dishes...you and Shanna should talk since you've both had the distinct pleasure of living with me :> )

I live in a home with loving people and animals and know I'm pretty lucky. So thanks again.

Sam.

P.S. You told me I didn't have to get you anything for your birthday but I'm going to only partially listen. I actually have a card for you as well, but that will be filled w/mushy stuff. I hope you like it. It made me think of you the minute I read it. Not that you're mushy...