Coincidence? I Think Not

This is the perfect follow-up to the other post from earlier this afternoon isn't it?

My horoscope from Seattle Weekly...

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

If there were a competitive rut-sitting contest, surely you'd win. You've dug in your heels, and you're clearly determined to hang in this particular rut you've found until the cows come home and pigs are flying around overhead. I've accepted that you're not going to budge until you're ready to. So here's my suggestion: Peek outside the rut and see where you might head next if and when you decide to move on. Is there anything you can do here and now—without leaving your beloved rut—to prepare for the next chapter? I'm willing to bet there's a lot. If you're not going to leave the rut you've dug, what's stopping you from making it a prettier, happier, and more productive place to be?

Truth Hurts (or Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before)

So Ryan was honest enough to post a comment after my last post and with good reason...he had a point to make and make it he did. My preferring "Moonlighting" to spending time with friends...ouch. I don't think any less of him for saying that. I know he's saying it with love. There does feel like something is wrong in that I'm preferring fiction to reality.

Brings to mind one of my favorites songs from John Mayer and these are the lyrics (couldn't find a youtube performance of it that was decent enough for what I wanted here so lyrics will have to do...):

Great Indoors

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
The great indoors

Lamplight makes the shadows play
And posters take the walls away
The T.V. is your window pane
The view won't let you down
So put your faith in a late night show
I bet you didn't even know
Depends on how far out you go
The channel numbers change

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors

Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room had room for two

So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Leave the great indoors

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days of idle days

So I wrote R a message over at Facebook and was able to put into a few words what is going on with me right now...

"...don't know why i'm feeling more anti-social than usual lately. am more stressed about work than usual and guess just really needing lots of downtime when not at work.."

I have had absolutely zero desire to put the "Sam-is-happy" face on outside of work. The frustrating thing is that I'm not unhappy, just....blah. The thing with work is that I had a phone call review with my manager the other day and while good points are made (a call to book tickets that should have only taken 5-10 minutes lasted over 30 minutes) it felt like I was being attacked for being me. It's taken me so fucking long to be more comfortable with me and I've been feeling so damn grateful I've got a job that lets me be me...however, apparently that's not enough. Oh they don't want me to stop being me with the warmth, personality, etc. that I bring to the calls but they want me to rein it in and I don't know how to do that and still do my job well. I've found myself rushing through the phone calls and biting my tongue. I keep telling myself it's the balancing act and I just need to find the right balance...to have those calls I can just brush off like an annoying fly and those where it's OK to pour my heart and soul into them.

So hanging over my head every day I'm at work is this stress about bringing my talk time down and of course the constant fear of being late or missing a day of work and losing my job...let's not even talk about the anxieties over whether or not we're going to end up with a union or not. I want the union because I've now experienced the benefits of having one. I've lost jobs in the past due to the whims of management or other stupid fucked up reasons...granted, yes, I've made mistakes and choices that led to my demise but maybe, just maybe, if I'd been given chances or there had been more steps in place for coaching and correcting mistakes maybe I wouldn't have such a fucked up work history record. (Not that it's that terrible but it's sure not as nice as I'd like it to be.)

I'm not proud, well yes I am of course, that this is the first full-time job I've held for more than 2 years in a long long time.

So I go, and put on the happy face and leave my personal troubles behind and don't bring them into work.

When I'm home or having days off, occasionally I can break out of my self-imposed shell and have some fun but lately I've just not wanted to. It takes too much energy.

So Ryan texted me about getting my message and maybe getting together tonight and despite my reluctance to leave the comfort of my nest, I agreed (with the hope that we just have a really low-key night...) now he's saying he might need a raincheck because he's not feeling well and while I don't want him sick, all I can feel is relief that I might get to keep my night to myself after all. I feel terrible about that but hey, love me as I am or don't love me at all right?

(Sadly, that is part of being my friend...I may not always see or talk to you but it sure doesn't mean I don't love you or value your friendship. I really am here for you whenever you need me even if it doesn't seem like it.)

Maybe all of this doesn't have to be anymore than what it is...just a current bout of blah but I just can't shake the feeling like there has got to be more to life than this. Summer is closer to ending and the days just seem to be flying by ...don't they? Life is just whizzing on by and I'm watching it from the sidelines with little desire to jump in. It's enough that I can get up and get to work. It's enough that I'm paying the necessary-to-live bills and keep myself in groceries & smokes. It's enough that my car keeps running. It's enough that I see B when he can see me because I am just so deeply in love with him that I'll take what I can get. (Though further proof of the blah...last week our attempt to get together failed 3x's and instead of getting all bent out shape about it, I was really was like "whatever" ...or is it that I'm just so secure in his love for me??? OK, some of this I know I'm repeating from a recent post..sorry about that...it's just such a surprise that I'm not pissing and moaning about our aborted get-togethers...)

What the fuck is my problem? Why aren't I doing more, being more, getting more, wanting more? Is that little voice in my head of my mother telling me I'm lazy speaking up again? I thought I shut that up ages ago.

One of the blogs I read has a post that really spoke me to me today...(I hope the author doesn't mind my copying parts of it...she doesn't do comments...FYI - I love reading her blog...it's one of my favorites...this chick is honest and I really dig her) ...

"...So I've been saying, sometimes, about this very dedicated effort of mine lately, to focus on the positive. When I was a teenager, it felt just like this. I'd detach myself from the crappy things. Big heavy wet things, weighing me down, that could easily pull me into a current of depression. But it didn't. I was so very very good at scraping it off and carrying on, don't mind the swamp thing grasping at my heels...

...Now I've lived both ways: slowing down and taking stock of the detailed good and bad of life as it happens; and hopping from happy lily-pad to happy lily-pad while keeping the painful stuff shoved forcefully in the quiet periphery.

Which one is better? I don't know. I feel more like me, like this. Life is infinitely more bearable when lived in denial. But it also feels like a lie. A happy lie, but still a lie. Is that bad? Which life would be regretted on a deathbed? There's really no way to know..."

I just work so hard on focusing on the positive and when thoughts that only bring me down try to surface I just squash them down and go distract myself with some TV-watching or reading.

Oh, there I go just being all melodramatic again though don't I? But I'm so bogged down in all of this right now. A night with a dear friend would do me good wouldn't it? To get out of my own head. So if he texts me that he's feeling up for the get together, I'll go dammit!

Now That's A Plan...

I've figured out what I'm going to spend some time doing on during my days off this weekend. Watching "Moonlighting". I just got done watching the pilot and I'm so ready for more. I missed it the first time around -except for maybe catching an episode or 2 in it's final season. Of course I want to watch this one because of the whole he/she will-they-or-won't-they dynamic (and of course to feast my eyes on all that is Bruce Willis!)...not quite sure why haven't gotten around to watching this series 'til now...duh! Don't think was actually available form the beginning until recently. Hulu is airing season 5 but I want to watch it from the beginning, so thanks surfthechannel & Veoh!

I'm going to resist the temptation to watch the next ep right now though 'cause it's almost 4am and I really should crash. Have a breakfast date in the a.m. ; )

Sweet dreams.

Addictions

There are a few things I'm completely addicted to and tonight I indulged in...

Taco dip...the kind that has the cream cheese mixed w/the salsa, then topped with lettuce, cheese & tomato. YUM, yum, yummy, yum, yum!!!!

I had some at my bday party last month (holy cow, it's already been a month now...can you believe how freakin' fast summer is going by? I haven't done any of the things I wanted to...but it's not too late right?) and totally flipped for it. I haven't had it since then but tonight I was at Cub picking up a few things and saw they had little individual sizes of it and I pounced on it (I like the word "pounce" so yes, am using it here even if it's not exactly the perfect word for my action :P ) After getting home I scarfed it down like a right little piggy. And I want MORE!!!! So I'm going to just get the bloody ingredients and make it for myself this weekend.

Anyhoo, just work and hanging out these days. Not much else to write about right now. Am overdue to meet up with pals but just can't seem to get motivated for fun. My last weekend fell apart and I didn't do any of things I thought I was going to do, include seeing B (and all I had to say about that was "eh". Whatever.) Not sure why I'm so blah...I don't think I'm depressed...?

Oh, wait, not entirely blah because I am excited about a couple of other things...that "Project Runway" and "Top Chef" are back. Woo hoo!

But being excited about a dip & TV shows and not people? Uh, that's messed up right?

Well I'm just tired enough that I think I'm gonna try going to sleep now (and it's not even 3am yet so we'll see how that goes)

Nighty night.

Lovely, Just Lovely

"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are."
- Joseph Campbell

LOVE that quote. Just read it today on the latest horoscope email from Rob Brezsny...the guy who does the freewillastrology horoscopes for City Pages, etc. He usually starts off with some interesting quotes and this one really spoke to me. In fact, it'll be the beginning of a new "gadget" for this blog. 'Bout time I added something new 'eh?

Happy Friday to me! Love my weekends, even if I don't do a damn thing. That actually won't be the case this "weekend" but that'll be a nice change of pace from the past few weekends (well, with the exception of last Thursday) where I've been a lazy slug. (And of course the other exception being of seeing B...otherwise I've been laying low...sorry peeps! I owe you some serious Sam time soon :P)

It's after 2am and I'm doing a bit of research for my parent's. While I'm researching I'm psyched to be listening to the upcoming new release by Imogen Heap "Ellipse" and thanks to a link from MySpace you can listen too! (Do it, it's really great!)



Anyhoo, they'd like to take another trip, this time, to England. It's about bloody time but with my Mom's disability, it's not like they can just hop on flights and go whenever they want to wherever they want. I'm supposed to go over there tomorrow night for dinner and we'll have a chat about it. Lots of decisions to be made...but at least they aren't planning on going until March next year so I'm optimistic we'll figure things out and it should help that I'll probably be able to get 'em on the non-stop flights between Minneapolis and London. It's getting them down to Taunton where my aunt Betty, Pop's sister, lives, and then back to Heathrow that will be the fun part. (And now I really need to hang on to this job don't I? I'd hate for my parent's not to have a chance to take this trip for how cheap the flights are gonna be for them...)

Anyhoo, then on Thursday evening, I've got a brief meeting at the SPCO to review stuff in preparation for another concert season beginning next month. I'm hopeful that the new shift I'll bid for at the end of the month at the FT job will still allow me to work an occasional shift for them. It's a pain sometimes dealing with the traffic and parking downtown St. Paul but I always like the extra cash.

After the meeting, I get to spend some time with the honey. Yeah! Well, that's the plan anyway...if he's delayed like he was last week I'm no longer hesitant to just go and do what I need to do and not wait around for him...I went ahead and walked over to a local cafe by where we were meeting and had dinner. He finally showed up and after we ate, we went ahead and had a little "play" time before I met up w/Shanna for the rest of that fantastic evening I had. (Trust me this is a good thing for me to do and is not a slight to him.)

Now, a P.S. to my last post...a thought that crossed my mind that I forgot to mention...I wonder if the men who were being friendly last week being friendly because for once in my life I wasn't giving off the "SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, LOVE ME PLEASE" vibe and instead was radiating a confident, sexy vibe? (tee hee :P) I don't know, but it sure was damn nice to get even that little bit of attention.

Man, I'm tired. It was a long week. I should call it a night and do the rest of my research for the folks tomorrow afternoon before I go over there.

so ttfn.

It's One For the History Books Kids!

I'm tired. I'm still recovering from an awesome night out with Shanna, her fiance' Osman, her cousin, her sister and the sister's g/f on Thursday night. I got completely trashed (are we still using that word to describe being absolutely & completely drunk?) on $1 rum & cokes at a place downtown Minneapolis called "Drink".

I was really nervous about going out to a club/bar because I haven't done it in ages...(I think the last time was....? In San Diego last year when visiting Scott???) (Oh, there I go again using full names instead of initials! I guess the trend will continue...) (...I wanted to go out with a feeling of confidence/sexiness so I managed to see B (he'll be the exception to the name thing -no putting his name out there per his request) for a bit prior to meeting up with them. Nothin' like that "just got laid" flush to the cheek! (It worked, but more on that later!))

1 drink turned into 7 (they were the short glasses!) and a good time was certainly had. Drinkin', dancin' and the people watching were the accomplishments of the night. (I hated that it was so hot though. Hard to look sexy when your sweating like a pig) Near the end of the night, after we decided no more booze for me, I was outside having a smoke (or two or five) when I got chatted up (I think?) by a guy from Peru named Julian. Nice enough man. I of course had to mention B. I think that was my way of making sure that if the guy was at all interested, he would change his mind and nobody would get hurt.

Afterward Shanna, I and our little group headed to the Uptown Diner. Another place I haven't been to in years. (Why oh why does greasy diner food taste best after a night of heavy drinkin'??? :P )

Coming out of the ladies room w/Shanna at one point, another guy wanted to chat me up but I was really out of it and just wasn't having any of it though I tried to tell him that he was sweet & cute as he was leaving.

Weird that men were wanting to chat me up. I mean I know I'm hot stuff ( :P ) to B and he always teases me that everyone wants the...Sam...but the reality is quite the opposite -usually. The only other time I recall some stranger making the first move was way back when Shanna & I were living together...we went to the Chipotle on Nicollet Mall for dinner and as I was waiting outside for her (she went back in to wash her hands) this guy comes up to me and starts off by asking me if my name was...? (geez, can't remember now) ...I of course say no, but then we start chatting & he's telling me how much I look like this woman he used to know (in retrospect, lame pick-up approach?) ...it eventually led to him asking me if he could call me sometime for coffee...

His name was Tom and we went out a couple of times. After our 2nd "date" we were back at the apt. making out and I found out what a bad kisser he was. (Too much saliva!) Then he just disappeared. No calls, nothing. Even though he was a bad kisser, I still was having a nice time with him (and bad kissing can usually be remedied...(right?) so I'm pissed and hurt thinking he's doing that stupid thing that men do when they don't have the balls to tell you that "they're just not that into you" ...vanish in to thin-fucking-air. (I've lost count of how often that has happened...y'all know what I'm talkin' about!)

But as the saying goes, when it rains it pours...I'm still feeling fairly good about the initial attention and it's then that I end up meeting this man named George (through one of the online dating sites where I had a personal posted) who I instantly clicked with...so much that so that we spent the night together the first night we met (ooooh, such a bad girl!) ...anyway George & I had one of those brief but very intense relationships and about a week into it, Tom starts calling me again. Tells me that he had some family medical emergency and that's why he never called.

I told him I understood but that he could have just called me, just a brief call to let me know what was going on (again, retrospect, too harsh?) and that I was sorry to hear it but that I had just started seeing someone else. I remember that he was upset and kept calling. He was surprised that I was seeing someone else already (he wasn't the only one, I couldn't believe it myself!!)...but I just clicked with George way more than I had with him (and George was a FANTASTIC kisser -the 2nd best I've ever had...*sadly B is NOT the best ...that honor is reserved for this guy Cameron I kissed once years ago...he was the best friend of the guy who was my "first" ...ooooh, I've been such a hussy haven't I? Then again Byron & I weren't b/f g/f -man, don't even make me get into how that was another relationship that wasn't straightforward/simple right now please.)) (Uh, am not too concerned w/B reading about this...the poor guy is so fucking busy that he doesn't read this. Boo hoo and whew!)

(Note: Things with George ended badly. We had been going out for only about 3 weeks (about a week into the relationship he said those three little words that I didn't say back...it was too soon for me) when I just got this bad feeling in my gut after he canceled a date we were supposed to have and wasn't returning my phone calls/emails..a couple of days later he sent me a "Dear John" email. I was great, wonderful, etc. but he had met up with an ex and was going to be getting back together with her. I left him a nasty vmail telling him to go to hell...this was not what you did when you said you loved someone...)

Oh good grief, the drama of it all!

Anyway, so now I've been back with B for over 5 years now and I consider myself "off the market".

But I really do need to be open to new, fully available love don't I? So going out and talking with men is no crime.

It just always shocks the hell out of me when someone else is making the first move, even if it's the little one of approaching me to talk. Most of my life I've been the one to do it. Being the aggressor and instigator is a flaw...because it rarely works and I think it's scared more than one boy/guy/man off.

Back to Thursday night...it certainly was flattering as hell and a real boost to my ego to be approached (and I'm not even going to say that they were just horny and looking for an easy score...thinking that a fat chick would be easy....)

I'm glad I went and I'll go again. I know the putting of myself out there and having a good time is progress for this hermit.

Happy Birthday Shanna!

(Gasp, I'm actually using a full name and not just an initial!)

I'm going to start a new tradition...Upon the birthday of my dear friends, I'm going to dedicate a post to them, starting with Shanna.

She's 30 years old today and a few days ago we were chatting about the upcoming big 3-0 and I told her that the 30's are fantastic. She didn't want to/doesn't believe me but I wasn't lying. Now of course, at the time, I thought the same thing and so I went ahead and did some crazy things -thinking I had better before I was too old to have wild & crazy fun anymore. So the night I turned 30, under cover of darkness (but in the light of the moon) I went across the street, to the local kiddie pool and skinny-dipped. Now this was in the city. In a neighborhood full of houses where people could come walking by at anytime. I floated back and forth, enjoying the feel of the cool water on my nekkid body on this hot summer night. I felt brave & crazy & free. It was wonderful! I had just gotten my underwear and t-shirt back on when a woman came by w/her dog. We were chatting & I ended up confessing what I had just done (me & my big mouth of course) and she said good for me (thanks lady!)

Now thankfully, that didn't end up being the last wild & crazy thing I did in my 30's (the next year (or really was it the year I turned 29? (I honestly can't remember because it was sooooooo long ago! :P) I went for beers w/a neighbor & her b/f, we got drunk & a threesome (of sorts) was had!)

Ahem, anyhoo....

While I may still be trying to figure out my shit, I've found that over the last 9 years, I've become more confident, less self-conscious & insecure. I can't pinpoint exactly when or how it happened but things just got better.

I met Shanna when I was in my late 20's when we were both working at what used to be called Lutheran Brotherhood. We were both temps and I don't even remember why or how we started talking & becoming friends (can we just blame this on all the pot I was smokin' at the time??) but we did...bonding over smoke breaks outside. She was so much younger than me and our lives were very different but there was an immediate connection. As the years went by, I even felt like she was a younger version of me, except skinny! :P

We kept in touch, even after leaving the job and a couple of years later we went ahead and shared an apartment (a cheap, but w/lots of character but ultimately crappy one) in Uptown for a year. That year was an adventure. While we were alike, we were also total opposites in that she always was going out & I was always staying in (the hermit years had begun) but living with her was a blast. So many reasons why it was so cool include that she always smelled great, looked great and inspired me to care more about my appearance; coloring my hair, wearing make-up & wearing nicer clothes than I had been. I was in touch with my inner goddess. Thanks to her I learned how to make a decent cup of coffee (when not making an entire pot.) I also learned the difference between good incense & bad. (Bad just smells like smoke, not the scent). We may have lived different lifestyles but she could always be counted on to hang out with me when I needed a shoulder and vice versa. We spent many a night out on the front steps just enjoying the night & smoking. We bonded over unavailable, horrible men, work, mothers that drove us crazy & "Sex and the City". She had great taste in furniture and I lucked out that when we finally did move I was able to get a comfy couch & chair for furniture from her.

She was, is, the little sister I never had (and I desperately wanted a sister growing up!)

I've mentioned this before but I'm so grateful that we managed to stay friends after living together. My anti-social, stubborn self hadn't/hasn't driven her away.

We keep on keepin' in touch and while we've only gotten together a handful of times the past few years, when we do get together it's like we just pick up where we left off.

In her, I've got a friend I trust completely and I never doubt that I'm good enough, smart enough or pretty enough to be her friend. She just gets me and lets me be me (just like some other dear friends of mine...you know who you are!) She's beautiful. Smart. Kind. Funny. Interesting. Complex. Brave. Sincere. Passionate. Loving. And because she's a human being & not a robot, she can also be, at times, moody, impatient & exasperating but I only say that 'cause that's me too! (I told you in some ways she's a younger version of me right? :) )

So she's not looking forward to being 30 but really, it's not so bad. Every day that passes is another day you get to choose to take what you've learned and apply it to your life. You accept yourself more fully, flaws and all. You get a clearer picture of what it is you do & don't want for your self & your life. You learn to appreciate the good things in your life that you've worked really hard for. You make fewer mistakes based on lack of knowledge & wisdom. You learn to pick your battles and focus on the positive. You have a clearer picture of who you are and your place in this world and it only gets better as the years go by. You can still be wild, crazy, impulsive & have fun with less drama & heartache because you know what lines not to cross anymore.

Shanna, you're still you. Just getting to be a better, happier you every day. You are appreciated & loved very much.

Happy happy birthday (again) my dear!