What am I up to?

It's almost 3am and as usual I'm not ready to go to sleep yet. I'm tired but not going to just lie there tossing and turning for an hour so I'll just go to bed when I know I'll fall asleep.

Should I be sad that most people I know have a schedule that's completely the opposite of mine? Being a night owl is kind of a solitary lifestyle. I know there are others out there but I haven't connected with them yet. Actually I kinda like my late nights the way they are. I can get into my jammies, turn on the computer and see what the world wide web has for me. Latest episodes of favorite TV shows, email, facebook updates, google searches and these blog posts.

I've been feeling like I'm treading water again...just swimming in place through my life. Yet I also feel like I'm waiting for something but I'm not sure what it is. That's not quite true...I'm waiting for my birthday this summer. I'm waiting for my "weekend". I'm waiting for my new shift at work to start. I'm waiting for payday. I'm waiting for summer to officially be here. I'm waiting for the season finale of "Bones" (they're gonna do it!) I'm waiting to re-connect with old friends and see if I can handle it. I'm waiting for my next date w/B.

I'm also feeling like I should volunteer/go to those yoga classes/take a sample improv class (my roommate can hook me up)/look for a new job or decide to pursue further education. Either way I'm trying to live life again. Get out there and have some fun. It's about bloody time. I've been a hermit of sorts for too long now. I got hurt and decided the best way to not get hurt again was by keeping to myself but what has that really gotten me? Not much (luckily R & C came into my life and S has stuck around even though we rarely see each other)

I sometimes wonder if this is it? As Jack Nicholson's character "Melvin" in "As Good As It Gets" says "What if this is as good as it gets?" (I need to keep telling myself that life doesn't have to be a TV show, movie or a book.) After some of my travels the past couple of years the "no matter where you go, there you are" thought really sunk in. I used to think that if I went to a new city I could become someone different (because no one would know my history other than how I would tell it) but that's not the full reality. The reality is that I would still be that same person that has to work, buy groceries, do laundry, make new friends, look for love, occasionally get help from brother and parents, take care of kitty, sometimes gets sad/depressed/lonely and put my pants on one-leg-at-a-time just like everyone else.

I also sometimes wonder if my expectations for life are too high or something. I've said that I know what I don't want but haven't able to put into words what I do want. I can't stop wondering if it's OK that I'm almost 40 and living life like I'm still 25 (childless, careerless (my job is just a job) and not a homeowner (no offense to 25 year olds who have their shit together and have all that). I know I shouldn't compare my life to others but I'm just so afraid that I'm going to have to justify why I live my life so freely and independently (and selfishly?)

Bah! I'm over thinking things as usual. Life is just the choices you make (or don't make) and if you just try to be the best person you can be every day and treat others like you want to be treated then why worry about anything else? I guess I just want some sign to point me in a direction. I want something to come along and either light a fire under me or kick my ass. Or maybe I'm wanting someone to come along and rescue me from myself.

Don't you just love all this thinking out loud that I do here? I swear I'm done with this topic for awhile. I know I'm sounding like a broken record.

It's been a swell couple of days otherwise. Really did have a great time at R's party the other night. It's got me thinking about having a party for my b-day this year. Haven't had one for years and I think I'm overdue. So as long as I'm still living here in July and my roommate is cool with it, I'll have a party. I can embrace the part of my younger self that was social and wanted to have fun while still being the older, wiser self that I hope I've become.

What I really should have done

Was take today, Sunday off. I think I'm still inebriated. R's B-day party last night. (Actual B-day today...Happy Birthday R!). Thank god get to go in late. It was a fun party 1. Met some cool chicks 2. people enjoyed my made-from-a-box birthday cake 3. sang some songs for "Rock Band" and 4. flirted like a shameless hussy with his roommates (who both have girlfriends). I'm a bad girl.

Must go get ready for work now. It will be a very long day.

It's a bloggy world out there

Oh what a beautiful warm, sunny day here in Minneapolis. Day off and I've been fairly productive so far. Out to get some groceries and now cooking. Making my yummy chicken salad and a meatloaf. I think some co-workers or my parents are going to benefit from the meatloaf as I didn't realize I was using ground turkey. I got some groceries from my brother when he thought he was moving to FL and what I thought was ground beef was ground turkey. I, Sam Jones, do not like ground turkey. I just don't care for it. Now, since I made it though, I'll give it a try but I'm not optimistic (Tried it. Nope, don't care for it)

So in the wee small hours of the night (after a wonderful date w/B where we enjoyed A & W for dinner and each other for desert ;) ) I decided to do some searching for other blogs of interest. I knew I was just one of the millions but wow! There are a lot out there. I've added some to my list and I think this summer (when TV won't be the main focus in my life) I'll play catch up and read from these interesting writers. You know something? All that I've read so far leads to me to the conclusion that blog writers are an intelligent lot and good writers. Now I should have assumed that but I wasn't sure what I was going to find. I also see that I've got an awful lot of "stuff" on mine but I like the way mine looks and I like all my lists.

OK, so I'm just making a brief stop here today. Have more to do, like finishing laundry and cleaning the floors in my room. I also might, just might switch out the winter clothes for the summer clothes. Then early to bed (ha!) because have to work at 10:30am tomorrow as I've got an American Express presentation to go to (with the whole Delta merger AMEX is our new credit card partner)...the only good thing about working so early is I'll be done at 7pm. Then hopefully off on Saturday so I can go celebrate R's birthday at a normal time (as opposed to just showing up after I get off work which is what usually happens)...either way, it'll be fun.

Sign Language for this week. From Seattle Weekly.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

It's perfectly natural to focus on the negative when shit goes down. It's still a bad habit, though, one that's more likely to worsen a situation than improve it. Even in the worst of times, the blessings in your life outweigh the crap—by quite a bit! Notice that. You actually have a multitude of reasons to feel happy even during those seemingly high-stress moments. See if you can keep enough of those blessings in mind to keep a genuine smile on your face, even as you navigate the hurdles and stumbling blocks life throws your way. You'll find, happily enough, that they're much easier to jump over that way—which should be just one more reason to grin.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

I wonder how much the founders of the United States anticipated about the future of their new nation. Surely they could see its potential to grow beyond the original 13 states, but it was impossible to guess exactly how the country would grow and evolve. Instead of trying to anticipate every eventuality, they sought to create a structure that could accommodate change. With your future as uncertain (and promising) as it is, trying to plot out all possible courses would be a futile waste of time. Instead, try to set yourself up to be able to roll with anything. You'll probably need to.

Will they be as funny if you didn't/don't watch the show on a regular basis?

2 of the funniest sitcom episodes I've ever seen are the following (and strangely enough they both are "holiday" themed episodes):

From the series "Two Guys, a Girl and (a Pizza Place)"







and my other favorite from "The Big Bang Theory" (this is actually what is called a minisode but it has the best parts):

Learning from mistakes

I should be going to bed now, it's almost 4 a.m. and I've got to get up and make quiche tomorrow (uh, today) before work. (We're having a little potluck sort of thing at work in celebration of a co-workers birthday and the 2 previous times I've made quiche she hasn't been there for it so I agreed to make another one ...it's pretty good if I do say so myself...as long as I don't add too much (or any) celery salt.)

I also should be asleep because I had a very exciting night last night.

After my world was rocked by the sudden appearance of that old friend yesterday, I got a call from my buddy R to see if I was free to get together and do something after my shift at the SPCO. I then asked if whatever we did could include getting [me] sloshed. I haven't done that in months and just really wanted to let off some steam. Let me tell ya, I sure do like the combination of raspberry vodka and lemonade. We had it on the rocks and it was bloody fantastic. Though next time, I'd like to try it as a blended drink (a less potent version of "Black Lemonade" consumed at Urban Mo's in San Diego ...that's a whole 'nother story I'll tell you about sometime that includes a drink made up of multiple alcoholic ingredients, wall coverings not covering a wall and having so much..."fun" I was still having "fun" on the plane on the way back to Minneapolis and at work right after)

Drinks were drunk and good conversation was had w/R and one of his roommates. An enlightening evening. A confession was made and a question asked was answered. It was good. Happily there was a comfy couch for me to sleep on as I was a good girl (no driving while intoxicated for this chickie!) But still, sleeping somewhere other than your own bed is not quite as exciting when you're approaching the big 4-0 (I know, I know, I'm only going to be 39 but I might as well be that other number already!) I managed to catch a bit of a nap after getting home this morning before work but could definitely use a good night of rest now.

Now, in case my mother IS reading this ..don't worry Mom, I'm a very infrequent drinker. :)

Had a lovely surprise waiting for me when I got home tonight. Hopped online and have heard from J. The other old friend who was dear to me and was a big part of my life before crap happened and it fell apart.

While exciting (compared to my usually quiet life) it's just all so out of the blue and I'm not sure what to think. I'm flustered and worried that I'll be self-conscious and apologetic for the person I used to be. Who was that person you ask? I don't really remember anymore so why am I so worried? It's just that I've been so focused on the here and now and just living life one moment at a time and haven't looked back. That had consequences that I'm just now realizing. I know I'm being a bit melodramatic about all of this but it's like all of a sudden I've forgotten who I am now and I need to remember who that is. Looking at those pictures I saw some of the me that was sociable and a person that lived life to the full. I think that's the person I'm trying to get back in touch with but this time around hopefully I'll do better at it in this older, wiser body/mind and soul.

Bah! Enough for now from this drama queen. Time to sleep.

When you look into the past, it finds you

My head is spinning. I think the universe is trying to tell me something and that something is that I shouldn't ignore my past so much.

I scanned pictures into the computer last night...old pictures (recent ones are awaiting developing) and now people from my past are suddenly appearing, out of the blue. OK, one just appeared and I went looking for the other but still!

I was merrily wandering my way over to St. Paul tonight, doing errands before my shift here at the SPCO and then wham! There she was. My old BF D. Outside of Punch on Grand Ave. I'll admit I haven't thought about her a lot lately and then last night, looking at pictures and then today there she is.

She was my best friend from the age of 11 up to ? We had fallen out of touch at some point then met up and spent A LOT of time together probably around 8 years ago or so. She had no problem asking me what happened...why did I not want to see her anymore and so today I told her honestly it was because of her husband. I don't recall all the details but I do remember that he was opinionated/judgmental and we disagreed strongly over things. I also remember being frustrated because we never spent time alone. He always had to be with us, whatever we were doing. Now, for the most part, we had fun. Playing games and eating good food but there were very different lives being lived and I guess I thought we had reached the end of our road. But we exchanged numbers and she assured me that she would like us, sans hubby, to get together and I think that would be nice and/or interesting.

How is it that you can being going-on-40 and the minute you see someone you knew when you were a child -you're instantly taken back in time and it's like no time has past?

I have done a stellar job at moving forward and surrounding myself with new friends while never, ever looking back at some old ones. Was that a mistake? Nah, not going to beat myself up for choices I made in the past.

Then, in curiousity I decided to just see if another old friend featured in pictures, J, was on facebook. He is. I sent a friend request and if he responds, great and if not, that's OK too. That one also didn't "end" well.

I was a messed up puppy in my 20's and friendships suffered because of it. I would hope that I'm not the same person I was...in fact, I know I'm not. I got therapy and dealt with a lot of crap.

I just don't know if it's a good idea to reconnect with people from your past. Especially if you can't move past the past and see if there is enough for a present and future friendship. Maybe it's enough to just honor people that were part of your life for however long they were in your life and move on.

Let's take a trip down memory lane

In further conversation with that passenger I traded emails with last week, we talked about helpful, inspirational reading which brought to mind a book I read in my 20's titled "On a Clear Day You Can See Yourself..." by Sonya Friedman.It made a HUGE impact on my self-esteem and confidence. In it she outlined 9 Facts of Life and I took those 9 "facts" to heart and copied them down into every journal I kept for the next couple of years. They became a permanent part of my subconscious and made my life bearable. (I won't get into all the details of why I thought life was so hard at the time because frankly I don't remember why!) I think they're still important and being reminded of them won't hurt me any. (They are now posted and residing here ..well actually over there -----> (scroll down a bit)) While looking through the journals to find what I needed, I noticed in the back of a couple of them some poetry and quotes I had copied down from various authors/books and I'll share a couple of "gems" I liked.

These are from a journal kept between August/September 1994 to March 11, 1995

"I've suffered a lot of catastrophes in my life - many of which never occurred"
Mark Twain

----isn't that freakin' brilliant???

and a cool poem by ?? (didn't make any note of her name, but maybe it'll come to me)

Love me with your whole heart
or give no love to me
Half-love is a poor thing,
neither bond nor free

You must love me gladly
soul and body too,
or else find a new love
and goodbye to you

And now from a journal kept between August 3 and December 22, 1995. Some favorites written by Dorothy Parker.

The Flaw In Paganism

Drink and dance and
laugh and lie,
Love, the reeling
midnight through.
For tomorrow we
shall die!
(But alas, we never do)

(I wonder at these choices of poems I wanted to "keep" when I was a young 'un at that tender age of 25/26.)

Unfortunate Coincidence

By the time you swear
you're his,
shivering and sighing,
and he vows his
passion is infinite,
undying -
Lady, make a note
of this:
One of you is lying.

Experience

Some men break your
heart in two,
some men fawn and
flatter,
some men never look
at you;
and that clears up
the matter.

Ah, the memories. I had been introduced to Dorothy Parker by a roommate of S's at the time when he still lived here in MN. Her sharp wit was appealing to my cynical self. I read a lot of her poetry and then watched "Dorothy Parker and the Vicious Circle" (wasn't Jennifer Jason Leigh's portrayal of her excellent?). Most of what I copied down is of the "aren't men bastards" persuasion. Yeah, I can see that appealing to me around that time. I'm sure it was during one of the "off" times with B. Being a drama queen I loved stuff that said what I wanted to say in a more ...dramatic fashion.

While the anal part of me wants to now take every single journal and add them to my computer (so I don't have to lug the box of them around), I won't. I don't think I could bear to re-live the past while typing it up or catching glimpses while scanning pages into the computer. Besides, what would I do with these lovely books (because I liked buying artsy journals) when I was done? The whole point being to get rid of them. Maybe I could have a bonfire and burn them in a symbolic gesture of erasing the past. Invite friends over and make it a party. Nah. I've got more important things to do with my time right? Right.

As I was digging through boxes, I also wanted to pull out my photo albums so I can scan and post pictures that will soon jazz up my Facebook page. Choosing photos was an interesting job. I'm opting for some not-so-recent photos of family and friends and very few of myself (the ones of me are where I don't look stupid or have an awful haircut -there are a LOT of those!) I'm reminded again that I really should get the rolls of film I've had forever developed, since they'll have the more recent photos.

It's a gorgeous day and as usual, I'm inside. But I'm being productive! I'm doing laundry and doing this blog entry. Later I'll be scanning photo's on to the computer. I'm just so glad to not be working today.