Gifts received in 2023...so far.

Life definitely isn't going how I expected it to. 

I wasn't sure what to do with the spare bedroom after E left. I struggled to decide if I should rent it out again immediately - to someone from craigslist again or make it into studio space and rent it out...or how it was going to work being an underground Salon. 

But as usual, my universe was being worked on by the other, bigger universe. 

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it but I've struggled to find my life's purpose for years and I finally had a feeling it just had to do with making people feel loved. 

I've been wanting to find someone who wanted and needed my love and let me love them wholeheartedly.

Someone I would put ahead of myself and...the universe brought them to me. 

V. An amazing young person. I already love this child with every fiber of my being and would die for them. 

I've got new roommates, thanks to O. 

A wonderfully sweet woman, O (:) ) and her child V, 14. 

They've only been here since Monday...5 days ago and I already love and adore them. 

I didn't really realize that what I've really been looking for is a child for me to care for. 

I had no idea. I know I love my nephews to death but it's not quite the same thing. 

Anyway, that's all I'm going post for now. 

More to come. 

Heartstopper

I wonder if there had been such a thing, back when I was watching "Friends" of watching reaction videos on YouTube? If there had been, would I have been as obsessed about a TV show like I am, now?

Heartstopper. Netflix. April 2022. Season 1. 

I've watched the series itself at least a dozen times in the last year. Actually not quite a year. It was released in April 2022 and I didn't get around to watching it until I heard "Tyler and Todd" (YouTubers) mentioned it (and just in passing) back in, May 2022.

And I've now watched it with about a dozen other people.  

It's the go-to these days when I'm feeling sad. 

Heartstopper. 

A wonderful world created by a writer named Alice Oseman. I don't think she could have imagined that some of her best work would have such a huge impact on me and how I feel about my relationship with B. 

This show, about 2 young men, becoming best friends and then falling in love with each other. 

Well now that I put it like that, of course it's affected me. I'm a sucker for a good romance.

I love everything about the show. The actors chosen for their roles and the job they're doing with it, the writing, the setting, the time. The progression of the story. The choices made. 

It may have been written for the LGBTQIA+ audience but it hits hard at that young person, wondering if the person you like likes you back and all of the nervousness and sweetness of that time of life. 

And some of the lines that hit me the hardest;

"...make him feel a little bit crap about himself." 

If I'm not going to get to be with the man I love and somehow we still continue, I'm going to keep feeling a little bit like crap...and not good enough. 

and...the other one that hits close to the heart, 

    

"It's all worth it to be with you." 

I wonder what life would be like if he had never married her but instead married me. 

That would be a story to tell! Though our story is already something worthy of a novel. 

But big, long love stories are what my family does. Mom and Pop. J and E. Me and B. 

At the end of the day, I just want him coming home to ME every night. 

Love Part III

B. The Love of My Life. 

I was just thinking about how I'd like the kind of love my parent's had. The kind of love my mom had. 

They were married for 36 years, together for...I'm going to round up to 40. 40 years to love someone and see them through so so many changes in them and your lives together. 

And I was also thinking that this is just another one of the times I was thinking how my life, how I grew up was untraditional (I think that's an understatement.) ...mother, married and divorced twice. 3rd time was the charm and she got to marry the love of her life. Moving every couple of years or so. Living overseas. So many different schools. My whole life the process of adapting to new circumstances, new life. 

And what we share is that throughout all of the changes in my own life, the love has been there, strengthening and deepening over decades. 

He's there on the sidelines, being my biggest cheerleader. It's corny as hell, but he's the wind beneath my wings. 

but yes, both also having their high high's and the low, low's. 

There's this whole thing about love language and in learning about both your own and the one of your love and how it strengthen relationships. 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained

    Words of affirmation

    Quality time

    Acts of service

    Gifts

    Touch

My love language is touch, but also a lot of interruption, constant change, sometime chaos/drama, passion, joy, excitement. :D

I need to learn more of his...pay better attention to his. Shit do I even know what his is??? I want to say words of affirmation...but ?? 

3 years for me to cross the next bridge...or go through the next door...in our relationship. Start thinking of him more, me less. His life is so very different than mine. 

It's going to be interesting. 

Love Part II

 He's my lobster. That's all there is to it. 

Love

Love. 

It's on my mind as Valentine's Day is 2 days away. 

This year is the first year in probably about 20 years (?!) that I have no idea what my future is with B. We're in a new, uncertain place. 

The smart, logical, sensible side of my brain tells me to leave him completely alone for the next [now] 3 years. She obviously cares about the marriage and him (why wouldn't she?) and he needs to really decide if he is going to leave her and be with me. Without any interference. 

BUT but but...he is everything I want and need. 

I've been looking to see who is out there...and the latest looking at FB dating. I see plenty of good-looking guys and/or read some great intros but none of that matters because they're not him. My heart isn't in it. It's already spoken for and it wouldn't be fair to anyone else that I was already in love with someone. 

But I'm so lonely and starved for touch, love and affection. I miss his in-person love and affection and not having that is one of the worst things that's happened to me - so bad it's at the level of losing Pop and Sally. I feel like I lost him too. 

And now what?

 I once again find myself straddling a line. So so many lines in my life....

I'm living in between these things right now...

Acceptance / Denial that Pop is gone.

B / No B

School / Took Q off and but what next? Strayer for associates in business instead? 

Lose weight / self-acceptance

Live alone / Find another roommate. 

No wonder I relate so much to the gray in life. 

I've been feeling that I need to make a decision THIS MINUTE about any of those things. I need to make a choice.  There is nothing I'm 100% sure of anymore and that's terrifying. 

                        Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch. 

Sweet Jesus. No wonder I'm a mess! 

No wonder my anxiety levels are off the charts! I need steadiness and reliability in my life. I need to know the plan. I need to know what I need to do next. I think the only thing keeping me together right now is work. It's the only thing I feel sure about...that every day I have to get up and go to work. 

2023 February - Empty nest.

E moved out on 2/1/23. I missed her immediately. 

And I find myself with an empty room again. So I'm writing up an ad and/or email to someone

Finally attending survivors of suicide loss support group but they haven't pierced my shell yet. Close, but no cigar.  I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to live alone at this time. I'm barely holding the grief at bay because I'm in deep denial land. And when I fully accept it, it just might break me. 

I lost the last person who loved me unconditionally and was free and open with that love. What about my brother you say? Well, he's close to that but just like with my parents, the religion is in between us. 

So this is what I'm looking at when it comes to a new roommate. 

I am putting this out in the universe, in this form of a blog post this time around. 

Hey there. Well, I'm a 52-year old woman, with a cat, living in a condo - up one long flight of stairs -that has a spare room. It's not that big but it will fit the basics and has a ton of built in storage. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and am looking for someone who is helpful, caring, reliable, honest, dependable, fun, sociable (but can be introverted :D) intelligent to rent it. We'd have to get along as the whole place isn't that large but there is enough space for us to have spaces of our own. You'd have full-access to the kitchen and the full bathroom would be primarily yours (I would just use it for the the shower) as I have my own 1/2 bath. Additional storage on lower level along with a coin-operated machines laundry room. I'd give you access to use my car -that I rarely use because I work from home and with my RA I don't go out much -this is of course would be after a background search including driving record -and it didn't add a zillion dollars to my insurance premiums. 

I have a cat. Noire. I'm obsessed with "Le Chat Noir"  as you'll see when you walk in the door and it's a shabby chic kind of place. She's spayed but has claws and will be 2 years old this spring. I'm considering getting her a sibling -a younger one (I think she'll be nicer to it. She can be a bitch. :D ) because she needs a companion. 

You handle garbage and recycling and I handle dishes/dishwasher. I may need help doing things around the place as I've got limited mobility. 

I am also large but working on getting healthier. If you love to cook (or at least like it enough :) ) and would be willing to make us both healthier meals...I'll keep ingredients around/stocked. Coffee drinkers a plus. 

420-friendly is a major plus. I'm medically approved. Cigarette smoking is allowed out outside on private balcony, vaping indoors is fine. 

Night owls strongly preferred as I'd also like us to be friendly -be able to become friends and I'm not a morning person, at all even though I start at 9am on Sundays (that's a killer but the trade off for Wednesday off is worth it for now.)

If you're willing to pay for my cleaning service on a weekly basis, I'll give you a break on the rent -which includes full access to everything (except for my room/work space) wi-fi and heated attached garage, a nice courtyard and an outside pool. 

In my dreams, the person who rents the room just wants a little bit of space in a warm, comfortable home. They would hang out with me late at night and/or weekends and we'd watch movies/TV and listen to music. But then are also happy to just be in their own company. I work 2nd shift M/T/Th/Fr and every Sunday. I love listening to music, binging TV shows, playing games on my tablet. I've traveled a bit, love art, theater and occasionally being spontaneous. Not into outside unless it's sitting on a balcony on a fine summer evening. I'm a kind, generous, loving person. I want you to make yourself at home. 

I occasionally have friends over and you're welcome to invite yours over as well...and hey maybe we'll even have them over at the same time?

Very LGBTQIA + friendly. This is a safe space for a chill, calm, patient person. 

So there. Now whether or not, I send this to a couple people looking for a room or not will be the million dollar question!