Love Part III

B. The Love of My Life. 

I was just thinking about how I'd like the kind of love my parent's had. The kind of love my mom had. 

They were married for 36 years, together for...I'm going to round up to 40. 40 years to love someone and see them through so so many changes in them and your lives together. 

And I was also thinking that this is just another one of the times I was thinking how my life, how I grew up was untraditional (I think that's an understatement.) ...mother, married and divorced twice. 3rd time was the charm and she got to marry the love of her life. Moving every couple of years or so. Living overseas. So many different schools. My whole life the process of adapting to new circumstances, new life. 

And what we share is that throughout all of the changes in my own life, the love has been there, strengthening and deepening over decades. 

He's there on the sidelines, being my biggest cheerleader. It's corny as hell, but he's the wind beneath my wings. 

but yes, both also having their high high's and the low, low's. 

There's this whole thing about love language and in learning about both your own and the one of your love and how it strengthen relationships. 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained

    Words of affirmation

    Quality time

    Acts of service

    Gifts

    Touch

My love language is touch, but also a lot of interruption, constant change, sometime chaos/drama, passion, joy, excitement. :D

I need to learn more of his...pay better attention to his. Shit do I even know what his is??? I want to say words of affirmation...but ?? 

3 years for me to cross the next bridge...or go through the next door...in our relationship. Start thinking of him more, me less. His life is so very different than mine. 

It's going to be interesting. 

Love Part II

 He's my lobster. That's all there is to it. 

Love

Love. 

It's on my mind as Valentine's Day is 2 days away. 

This year is the first year in probably about 20 years (?!) that I have no idea what my future is with B. We're in a new, uncertain place. 

The smart, logical, sensible side of my brain tells me to leave him completely alone for the next [now] 3 years. She obviously cares about the marriage and him (why wouldn't she?) and he needs to really decide if he is going to leave her and be with me. Without any interference. 

BUT but but...he is everything I want and need. 

I've been looking to see who is out there...and the latest looking at FB dating. I see plenty of good-looking guys and/or read some great intros but none of that matters because they're not him. My heart isn't in it. It's already spoken for and it wouldn't be fair to anyone else that I was already in love with someone. 

But I'm so lonely and starved for touch, love and affection. I miss his in-person love and affection and not having that is one of the worst things that's happened to me - so bad it's at the level of losing Pop and Sally. I feel like I lost him too. 

And now what?

 I once again find myself straddling a line. So so many lines in my life....

I'm living in between these things right now...

Acceptance / Denial that Pop is gone.

B / No B

School / Took Q off and but what next? Strayer for associates in business instead? 

Lose weight / self-acceptance

Live alone / Find another roommate. 

No wonder I relate so much to the gray in life. 

I've been feeling that I need to make a decision THIS MINUTE about any of those things. I need to make a choice.  There is nothing I'm 100% sure of anymore and that's terrifying. 

                        Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch. 

Sweet Jesus. No wonder I'm a mess! 

No wonder my anxiety levels are off the charts! I need steadiness and reliability in my life. I need to know the plan. I need to know what I need to do next. I think the only thing keeping me together right now is work. It's the only thing I feel sure about...that every day I have to get up and go to work. 

2023 February - Empty nest.

E moved out on 2/1/23. I missed her immediately. 

And I find myself with an empty room again. So I'm writing up an ad and/or email to someone

Finally attending survivors of suicide loss support group but they haven't pierced my shell yet. Close, but no cigar.  I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to live alone at this time. I'm barely holding the grief at bay because I'm in deep denial land. And when I fully accept it, it just might break me. 

I lost the last person who loved me unconditionally and was free and open with that love. What about my brother you say? Well, he's close to that but just like with my parents, the religion is in between us. 

So this is what I'm looking at when it comes to a new roommate. 

I am putting this out in the universe, in this form of a blog post this time around. 

Hey there. Well, I'm a 52-year old woman, with a cat, living in a condo - up one long flight of stairs -that has a spare room. It's not that big but it will fit the basics and has a ton of built in storage. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and am looking for someone who is helpful, caring, reliable, honest, dependable, fun, sociable (but can be introverted :D) intelligent to rent it. We'd have to get along as the whole place isn't that large but there is enough space for us to have spaces of our own. You'd have full-access to the kitchen and the full bathroom would be primarily yours (I would just use it for the the shower) as I have my own 1/2 bath. Additional storage on lower level along with a coin-operated machines laundry room. I'd give you access to use my car -that I rarely use because I work from home and with my RA I don't go out much -this is of course would be after a background search including driving record -and it didn't add a zillion dollars to my insurance premiums. 

I have a cat. Noire. I'm obsessed with "Le Chat Noir"  as you'll see when you walk in the door and it's a shabby chic kind of place. She's spayed but has claws and will be 2 years old this spring. I'm considering getting her a sibling -a younger one (I think she'll be nicer to it. She can be a bitch. :D ) because she needs a companion. 

You handle garbage and recycling and I handle dishes/dishwasher. I may need help doing things around the place as I've got limited mobility. 

I am also large but working on getting healthier. If you love to cook (or at least like it enough :) ) and would be willing to make us both healthier meals...I'll keep ingredients around/stocked. Coffee drinkers a plus. 

420-friendly is a major plus. I'm medically approved. Cigarette smoking is allowed out outside on private balcony, vaping indoors is fine. 

Night owls strongly preferred as I'd also like us to be friendly -be able to become friends and I'm not a morning person, at all even though I start at 9am on Sundays (that's a killer but the trade off for Wednesday off is worth it for now.)

If you're willing to pay for my cleaning service on a weekly basis, I'll give you a break on the rent -which includes full access to everything (except for my room/work space) wi-fi and heated attached garage, a nice courtyard and an outside pool. 

In my dreams, the person who rents the room just wants a little bit of space in a warm, comfortable home. They would hang out with me late at night and/or weekends and we'd watch movies/TV and listen to music. But then are also happy to just be in their own company. I work 2nd shift M/T/Th/Fr and every Sunday. I love listening to music, binging TV shows, playing games on my tablet. I've traveled a bit, love art, theater and occasionally being spontaneous. Not into outside unless it's sitting on a balcony on a fine summer evening. I'm a kind, generous, loving person. I want you to make yourself at home. 

I occasionally have friends over and you're welcome to invite yours over as well...and hey maybe we'll even have them over at the same time?

Very LGBTQIA + friendly. This is a safe space for a chill, calm, patient person. 

So there. Now whether or not, I send this to a couple people looking for a room or not will be the million dollar question! 

Biggest...desire (want to give up) now....

I enrolled in the bachelor's in psychology program at work. And for the zillionth time, I want to quit. And all because I have an assignment to write a paper. Maybe I could just be one of those people who just have "some college credit" ...

And maybe I take the winter quarter off! Or Q1 I should say!!!

Problem solved! 

Fall 2022

I don't know if anyone is still reading this and if not, it's OK. I have been keeping this blog as basically my journal for the last...ten years or so.

So this fall has me making some big changes to my life. 

1. I went back to college. I am officially a college student again! I work for CU and one of the benefits, the most excellent one is that I can attend for FREE.

I never thought this would happen for me, to me. 

I had to write some papers about myself and my educational/journey so far and really, third time is the charm. 

I'm excited about learning and sharing (! :D -yeah, a new audience for me LOL) 

And...

I've chosen to get breast reduction surgery.

I never been happy with the girls. All they've done is cause me pain - physically and emotionally. I'm not going to keep living like this if I don't have to. 

First plastic surgeon said - happy to, after you've lost 30-40 lbs and have the RA under control for a year in February next year.

I will find one who will do it now and/or sooner. I want it done before the end of the year. 

Just like my uterus, I won't miss them as they currently are (and have been most of my adult life. I don't even think I made a stop between training bra and then ill-fitting, improper sized for decades.)  

And I got approved for medical marijuana. My primary physician ROCKS. Thank you so much Dr. P. -that reminds me...I need to send her a message w/update and get opinion. 

I trust HER. 

So those are the highlights. I'm OK with highlights for now. Maybe one of these days I'll get into details but this is good enough for now.