And now what?

 I once again find myself straddling a line. So so many lines in my life....

I'm living in between these things right now...

Acceptance / Denial that Pop is gone.

B / No B

School / Took Q off and but what next? Strayer for associates in business instead? 

Lose weight / self-acceptance

Live alone / Find another roommate. 

No wonder I relate so much to the gray in life. 

I've been feeling that I need to make a decision THIS MINUTE about any of those things. I need to make a choice.  There is nothing I'm 100% sure of anymore and that's terrifying. 

                        Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch. 

Sweet Jesus. No wonder I'm a mess! 

No wonder my anxiety levels are off the charts! I need steadiness and reliability in my life. I need to know the plan. I need to know what I need to do next. I think the only thing keeping me together right now is work. It's the only thing I feel sure about...that every day I have to get up and go to work. 

2023 February - Empty nest.

E moved out on 2/1/23. I missed her immediately. 

And I find myself with an empty room again. So I'm writing up an ad and/or email to someone

Finally attending survivors of suicide loss support group but they haven't pierced my shell yet. Close, but no cigar.  I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to live alone at this time. I'm barely holding the grief at bay because I'm in deep denial land. And when I fully accept it, it just might break me. 

I lost the last person who loved me unconditionally and was free and open with that love. What about my brother you say? Well, he's close to that but just like with my parents, the religion is in between us. 

So this is what I'm looking at when it comes to a new roommate. 

I am putting this out in the universe, in this form of a blog post this time around. 

Hey there. Well, I'm a 52-year old woman, with a cat, living in a condo - up one long flight of stairs -that has a spare room. It's not that big but it will fit the basics and has a ton of built in storage. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and am looking for someone who is helpful, caring, reliable, honest, dependable, fun, sociable (but can be introverted :D) intelligent to rent it. We'd have to get along as the whole place isn't that large but there is enough space for us to have spaces of our own. You'd have full-access to the kitchen and the full bathroom would be primarily yours (I would just use it for the the shower) as I have my own 1/2 bath. Additional storage on lower level along with a coin-operated machines laundry room. I'd give you access to use my car -that I rarely use because I work from home and with my RA I don't go out much -this is of course would be after a background search including driving record -and it didn't add a zillion dollars to my insurance premiums. 

I have a cat. Noire. I'm obsessed with "Le Chat Noir"  as you'll see when you walk in the door and it's a shabby chic kind of place. She's spayed but has claws and will be 2 years old this spring. I'm considering getting her a sibling -a younger one (I think she'll be nicer to it. She can be a bitch. :D ) because she needs a companion. 

You handle garbage and recycling and I handle dishes/dishwasher. I may need help doing things around the place as I've got limited mobility. 

I am also large but working on getting healthier. If you love to cook (or at least like it enough :) ) and would be willing to make us both healthier meals...I'll keep ingredients around/stocked. Coffee drinkers a plus. 

420-friendly is a major plus. I'm medically approved. Cigarette smoking is allowed out outside on private balcony, vaping indoors is fine. 

Night owls strongly preferred as I'd also like us to be friendly -be able to become friends and I'm not a morning person, at all even though I start at 9am on Sundays (that's a killer but the trade off for Wednesday off is worth it for now.)

If you're willing to pay for my cleaning service on a weekly basis, I'll give you a break on the rent -which includes full access to everything (except for my room/work space) wi-fi and heated attached garage, a nice courtyard and an outside pool. 

In my dreams, the person who rents the room just wants a little bit of space in a warm, comfortable home. They would hang out with me late at night and/or weekends and we'd watch movies/TV and listen to music. But then are also happy to just be in their own company. I work 2nd shift M/T/Th/Fr and every Sunday. I love listening to music, binging TV shows, playing games on my tablet. I've traveled a bit, love art, theater and occasionally being spontaneous. Not into outside unless it's sitting on a balcony on a fine summer evening. I'm a kind, generous, loving person. I want you to make yourself at home. 

I occasionally have friends over and you're welcome to invite yours over as well...and hey maybe we'll even have them over at the same time?

Very LGBTQIA + friendly. This is a safe space for a chill, calm, patient person. 

So there. Now whether or not, I send this to a couple people looking for a room or not will be the million dollar question! 

Biggest...desire (want to give up) now....

I enrolled in the bachelor's in psychology program at work. And for the zillionth time, I want to quit. And all because I have an assignment to write a paper. Maybe I could just be one of those people who just have "some college credit" ...

And maybe I take the winter quarter off! Or Q1 I should say!!!

Problem solved! 

Fall 2022

I don't know if anyone is still reading this and if not, it's OK. I have been keeping this blog as basically my journal for the last...ten years or so.

So this fall has me making some big changes to my life. 

1. I went back to college. I am officially a college student again! I work for CU and one of the benefits, the most excellent one is that I can attend for FREE.

I never thought this would happen for me, to me. 

I had to write some papers about myself and my educational/journey so far and really, third time is the charm. 

I'm excited about learning and sharing (! :D -yeah, a new audience for me LOL) 

And...

I've chosen to get breast reduction surgery.

I never been happy with the girls. All they've done is cause me pain - physically and emotionally. I'm not going to keep living like this if I don't have to. 

First plastic surgeon said - happy to, after you've lost 30-40 lbs and have the RA under control for a year in February next year.

I will find one who will do it now and/or sooner. I want it done before the end of the year. 

Just like my uterus, I won't miss them as they currently are (and have been most of my adult life. I don't even think I made a stop between training bra and then ill-fitting, improper sized for decades.)  

And I got approved for medical marijuana. My primary physician ROCKS. Thank you so much Dr. P. -that reminds me...I need to send her a message w/update and get opinion. 

I trust HER. 

So those are the highlights. I'm OK with highlights for now. Maybe one of these days I'll get into details but this is good enough for now. 

AGSB April 30, 1948 to July 3, 2022

 He did it. And my life, my world will never be the same again.

Heartstopper - Greatest TV series EVER

     Once upon a time there was a streaming service called Netflix. They gave the green light to create a series based on a series of graphic novels by Alice Oseman. 

And this show...has changed me. For the better. 

And the worse.

It's a love story.

And it's a love story that makes me very sad that MY love story is ...the best I can come up with is it's the complete opposite.

My love and I are ...I don't know what we are right now.  But we are not a couple where the one person risks everything to be with the one he loves. We are not even a couple at this time. 

He will not change things until A is 18. 

And after going round and round...I'm tired of fighting for us. 

And the place I am has me sure that the right thing, the smart thing to do is to stop and re-assess in 4 years. And not only that, but if he wants me and doesn't decide to stay in his marriage -then when he comes to me, he has to be divorced. Not just separated but divorced and we're going to do this right this time. I deserve that. 

I had another thought ...I am hoping that maybe I might start to not hate myself as much when I'm not involved with a married man. 

While infidelity is not shocking to me (my normal) - it went against my hopes and dreams born out of reading romance novels I had when I was young. And while those might have been not necessarily the perfect way to learn about romance, they still featured someone getting chosen by the person they chose right back and that person was not married.

And all I want is someone of my own to love and care for and have them love and care for only me. 

Sally Anita Dorn R.I.P. 5/6/20

I've been telling stories and talking about her since I heard the devastating news. 

It was quick and I hope to god painless considering all that she's been through with her health. 

I now have 2 of the most important women to me, leaving this earth a little bit too soon. 

And THAT is the kind of motivation to really get me to really focus on getting my health in order. 

But I've got to find that balance between wanting to take care of myself and wanting to accept myself as I am. I wonder if this is sort of like how addicts reach their rock bottom before they admit they have a problem and need to make serious changes. 

And I'd love to ask Sally about that. She had her own battles with addiction. 

But she was love. I received so much love from her I was swimming in it when we got to spend time together. 

(I feel a poem coming on)

And she had no problem being honest with me and calling me on my shit...it always hurt but thankfully not for long ...also because there was so much more love to smother it. 

I worry about her boys, J & J. 

And I feel for them - they spent a lot of time taking care of her and "my boys" went through the exact same thing after the loss of mom.  

Loss and freedom at a terrible price.

I could write a lot more I think but I'm not going to right now. 

I'm tired. Haven't recovered the sleep I lost while in the hospital. Yeah, H. 

I really do believe all of the stress of worrying about money (not nearly enough) and my health (RA, really? Fuck.) and work (will I be hired on permanently? and when!!!) and the conflicting feelings I'm having about what to do with my relationship with the love of my life (failed and enlightening ultimatum issued and as expected, I lost) followed by the loss of Sally was just too much for my system to handle and it shut down my legs. 

And they're still not working all that well. 

I start infusion treatment on Monday. Bloody early but it means no more waiting. The M is just not working as well as I hoped and need it to. I will have to look at it as an adventure. Getting to put on clothes and bring stuff to do...hey maybe take a book and skip the tablet! It's been years since I read an actual book vs. listening to it. Though I do have that Jim Butcher one waiting for me....

Anyhoo. 

I had a moment last night where I vented about how the world sucks but...it doesn't. There are just a lot of rotten people doing rotten things in it. But I can't dwell on that as I've got to give myself as much positive reinforcement and pep talks as I can in order to not get into bed and never get out. 

OK, enough for now. The important news has been reported and documented. 

Onward and Upward.