AGSB April 30, 1948 to July 3, 2022

 He did it. And my life, my world will never be the same again.

Heartstopper - Greatest TV series EVER

     Once upon a time there was a streaming service called Netflix. They gave the green light to create a series based on a series of graphic novels by Alice Oseman. 

And this show...has changed me. For the better. 

And the worse.

It's a love story.

And it's a love story that makes me very sad that MY love story is ...the best I can come up with is it's the complete opposite.

My love and I are ...I don't know what we are right now.  But we are not a couple where the one person risks everything to be with the one he loves. We are not even a couple at this time. 

He will not change things until A is 18. 

And after going round and round...I'm tired of fighting for us. 

And the place I am has me sure that the right thing, the smart thing to do is to stop and re-assess in 4 years. And not only that, but if he wants me and doesn't decide to stay in his marriage -then when he comes to me, he has to be divorced. Not just separated but divorced and we're going to do this right this time. I deserve that. 

I had another thought ...I am hoping that maybe I might start to not hate myself as much when I'm not involved with a married man. 

While infidelity is not shocking to me (my normal) - it went against my hopes and dreams born out of reading romance novels I had when I was young. And while those might have been not necessarily the perfect way to learn about romance, they still featured someone getting chosen by the person they chose right back and that person was not married.

And all I want is someone of my own to love and care for and have them love and care for only me. 

Sally Anita Dorn R.I.P. 5/6/20

I've been telling stories and talking about her since I heard the devastating news. 

It was quick and I hope to god painless considering all that she's been through with her health. 

I now have 2 of the most important women to me, leaving this earth a little bit too soon. 

And THAT is the kind of motivation to really get me to really focus on getting my health in order. 

But I've got to find that balance between wanting to take care of myself and wanting to accept myself as I am. I wonder if this is sort of like how addicts reach their rock bottom before they admit they have a problem and need to make serious changes. 

And I'd love to ask Sally about that. She had her own battles with addiction. 

But she was love. I received so much love from her I was swimming in it when we got to spend time together. 

(I feel a poem coming on)

And she had no problem being honest with me and calling me on my shit...it always hurt but thankfully not for long ...also because there was so much more love to smother it. 

I worry about her boys, J & J. 

And I feel for them - they spent a lot of time taking care of her and "my boys" went through the exact same thing after the loss of mom.  

Loss and freedom at a terrible price.

I could write a lot more I think but I'm not going to right now. 

I'm tired. Haven't recovered the sleep I lost while in the hospital. Yeah, H. 

I really do believe all of the stress of worrying about money (not nearly enough) and my health (RA, really? Fuck.) and work (will I be hired on permanently? and when!!!) and the conflicting feelings I'm having about what to do with my relationship with the love of my life (failed and enlightening ultimatum issued and as expected, I lost) followed by the loss of Sally was just too much for my system to handle and it shut down my legs. 

And they're still not working all that well. 

I start infusion treatment on Monday. Bloody early but it means no more waiting. The M is just not working as well as I hoped and need it to. I will have to look at it as an adventure. Getting to put on clothes and bring stuff to do...hey maybe take a book and skip the tablet! It's been years since I read an actual book vs. listening to it. Though I do have that Jim Butcher one waiting for me....

Anyhoo. 

I had a moment last night where I vented about how the world sucks but...it doesn't. There are just a lot of rotten people doing rotten things in it. But I can't dwell on that as I've got to give myself as much positive reinforcement and pep talks as I can in order to not get into bed and never get out. 

OK, enough for now. The important news has been reported and documented. 

Onward and Upward.

Am I Really Ready For This?

Every once in a while, I start obsessing over my relationship. And that time has come again.

I love that man so much but I'm tired of sitting on the shelf. I'm tired of living in this constant state of "pause". I want to live life with the man I love NOW. 

And if he can't do that, then I think we need to re-evaluate and take a break. 

It makes me furious that I can't be with the man I love, not even on an occasional basis. 

It makes me mad that the man I love thinks there is only one way for this to "go down"...waiting until his daughter is 18. It's going to be awful no matter when it happens. 

and if I do throw down the ultimatum, it will either go my way or it won't. 

If it does, great. If it doesn't..my heart will break and won't be the same again. It will be full of cracks and holes.

5 years ago, I asked that when I was ready to be a step-mom, would he make that happen and he said yes. 

So now 5 years later and sure we agreed to wait until she's 18 but in hindsight that is unreasonable. I'm going to have waited 9 years for this? 

Maybe it seemed like the path to resistance to agree to that but the reality really fucking sucks. 

2022 - Barely 3 months In

I have this thing...RA. Rheumatoid Arthritis. And it sucks. 

I'm working with Reiki healer H again. And when we met last week, instead of focusing on that, we focused on my weight and health. 

Between growing up not learning how to eat healthy food/meals and living with parent's who had trauma, as well as a mother who constantly battled her own weight and body issues, I wasn't necessarily set up for success in that regard. 

So I've also gotten back in touch with A and I told her I'm ready to dive deep and dig into my baggage. 

As H has been wanting me to believe that I'm ready to be a strong, confident woman, I think between her and A, I can approach it a new way and maybe it will be effective. 

I am so split down the middle with accepting myself as I am and HATING who I see in the mirror. I don't recognize that person! 

I just had a random thought....I managed to stay just fat, not obese, up until I think my ...late 20's? and I'm wondering if my early sexual experiences contributed to it? Let me explain...I had a few sexual encounters, starting with losing my virginity at 19 to B. And then just random guys here and there. And each one of those experiences were...disappointing. And I also kept liking boys...men...who had no interest in me romantically (or the ones that were interested in me, I just didn't feel the same way, no matter how badly I wanted to in order to not be single/alone anymore) and with the bad sex and rejection, did I just let myself go because then no one would be interested and I'd be left alone and not be hurt anymore? Is that it? (Thankfully, B certainly changed all that when he came along!)

Granted, I know that I've gotten less active over the years and that certainly doesn't help but I guess I do feel like my weight is serving me...somehow, someway. 

While the people I love have concerns about my health, they all still accept and love me as I am. 

And while I appreciate that, I can't do that for myself. That old idea about treating yourself like you'd treat a dear friend just isn't working. 

And while I'm so tired of always thinking about it, my weight and health, the truth is I have to do something about it. And it starts with needing to actually really truly care. 

Because I don't care. I feel like I don't care. Because if I did, I'd have the willpower and strength to always make the better/right choices....right?? Isn't that what is needs to happen in order to do what you need to do to actually lose weight? 

Hmm. Well enough of this for now. I'll circle back after my next appointment with A. 

As 2021 Comes to a Close

So as another year comes to a close, I wanted to just take a moment to reflect on this past year and express my gratitude for some amazing people in my life.

It's been a rough year. 

It's been a tough year.

I'm not sure where to start but I guess the more challenging stuff has been what has been going on this fall. 

It started gradually - that walking was becoming more and more difficult. I bought a rollator months ago that was purchased with the intent of helping me get out of the house and since November, I've been having to use it as a wheelchair (which is not recommended by the company who made it :( but I gotta do what I gotta do to get around!)

After 2 ER visits (and one shameful need for the Fire Dept. to get me down and up my stairs) the early diagnosis is an auto-immune disorder. I've still go to give more blood for testing/labs and I have an appointment to see a Rheumatologist in 2 months. 

So in the meantime, I'm so grateful for all the help and support I've been getting from friends and family.

Starting with here at home - E has proved to be a great housemate so far. I didn't intend on her taking on caretaking duties but she's been so great about helping me...getting me water, occasionally making me food, running errands and also she's great about keeping the kitchen "under control" (loading/unloading dishwasher!) 

Taking on a tenant/roommate was definitely one of the wisest things I've done lately. Financially it is helping and she's awesome to boot!

I've got to give shout-out's to DJ R and Pop for helping me get back and forth to the ER's and home. 

And then there is the receipt of funds from both B and Santa S to help me stay afloat while I deal with the challenge of being unable to work all of my hours these past few weeks. 

And there is N, who has helped me shower and wash my hair.

And EB, doing the cooking and waiting on me on our visits. And always being willing to come to me here for our monthly dates.

And T, for making potatoes and BR for bringing the ingredients for mimosa's to the brunch E and I hosted a few weeks ago.

And my manager, MS, has been incredibly supportive and understanding. I hope I'll be able to hang on to this job. They need someone FT and we're hoping I will be worth the trouble (I think I am! :) ) in spite of the reduced hours and amount of work I've missed. 

I'm sure there are others but those are the ones at the top of the list. 

When I think about how much I have to be grateful for, it helps put the medical stuff in perspective. 

I've been able to keep my home and keep food in the fridge. Important stuff! And knowing I've got so many great people in my life is such a blessing/gift. 

So another year is around the corner and I hope it will find me getting some real answers about what is going on with my body and getting hired on permanently at my job. 

Onward and Upward. 

Blog part two aka The E Transformation Diaries

HAF

(Notes from my Notes on phone from 10/10/21)

It's going to be about my 50's and what my current life is like because the 50s are going to be very different than any of the other decades.

This is the decade that I lived with somebody again, A T (M to F) named E and we’re sharing the condo in Bloomington and I think I’m gonna be happy a lot more.

And then halfway through this decade I get to be with Brad finally… He’s going to get his fucking divorce FINALLY.

And how can I forget Noire my sweet little kitty cat;

- who isn’t allowed to go out onto the balcony until she has a harness on (she took a little trip a couple weeks ago that almost gave me a heart attack!)

And what else? Oh yeah, new job!

- I am on assignment through Robert Half working for a Capella University and I think it’s going to be an interesting job and I'm going to like it a LOT (it's the end of week 3, I've learned a ton and I've got ideas...unless they've already been thought of or exist!)

What else is this decade gonna be about - well I’m not getting into debt again but I will get control of it.

So it just occurred to me that living with Ella is going to be an adventure because I'm looking forward to us both embracing our femininity and our strength and our fortitude and our ability to survive and adapt.

We are going to get healthy together both physically and emotionally.

This adventure is also going to be about Ella‘s friends and my new friends and a new little circle of friends that I’m going to be joining for some healing and self-care time (I was so fucking thrilled that I was able to give not only clothes but good shoes to I who is about my size, who can wear them!!)

And A is back for our phone chats!

And Pop is feeling well enough to get another part-time job! He was driving a hotel shuttle but then ...fucking COVID and now he's going to be a breakfast attendant and maybe work the front desk at a hotel! Holy crap! I hope he's not going to be taking on too much with his health the way it is!!!! But go Pop! I joke that he needs to live until I get married but I want him around much longer than that!

So it's pre-E living here. I'm really hopeful that it's going to be a good experience and is exactly what I need in my life right now.

Taking care of others - need the practice for the day I get to take care of B and his little Leo A. That day will come probably faster than I think.

OK, enough for now. I've got a kitty to pay attention to (she's not allowed in my room/office while I'm working...not now at her age anyway.)

Life is GOOD and I've got so many things to be grateful for.