As 2021 Comes to a Close

So as another year comes to a close, I wanted to just take a moment to reflect on this past year and express my gratitude for some amazing people in my life.

It's been a rough year. 

It's been a tough year.

I'm not sure where to start but I guess the more challenging stuff has been what has been going on this fall. 

It started gradually - that walking was becoming more and more difficult. I bought a rollator months ago that was purchased with the intent of helping me get out of the house and since November, I've been having to use it as a wheelchair (which is not recommended by the company who made it :( but I gotta do what I gotta do to get around!)

After 2 ER visits (and one shameful need for the Fire Dept. to get me down and up my stairs) the early diagnosis is an auto-immune disorder. I've still go to give more blood for testing/labs and I have an appointment to see a Rheumatologist in 2 months. 

So in the meantime, I'm so grateful for all the help and support I've been getting from friends and family.

Starting with here at home - E has proved to be a great housemate so far. I didn't intend on her taking on caretaking duties but she's been so great about helping me...getting me water, occasionally making me food, running errands and also she's great about keeping the kitchen "under control" (loading/unloading dishwasher!) 

Taking on a tenant/roommate was definitely one of the wisest things I've done lately. Financially it is helping and she's awesome to boot!

I've got to give shout-out's to DJ R and Pop for helping me get back and forth to the ER's and home. 

And then there is the receipt of funds from both B and Santa S to help me stay afloat while I deal with the challenge of being unable to work all of my hours these past few weeks. 

And there is N, who has helped me shower and wash my hair.

And EB, doing the cooking and waiting on me on our visits. And always being willing to come to me here for our monthly dates.

And T, for making potatoes and BR for bringing the ingredients for mimosa's to the brunch E and I hosted a few weeks ago.

And my manager, MS, has been incredibly supportive and understanding. I hope I'll be able to hang on to this job. They need someone FT and we're hoping I will be worth the trouble (I think I am! :) ) in spite of the reduced hours and amount of work I've missed. 

I'm sure there are others but those are the ones at the top of the list. 

When I think about how much I have to be grateful for, it helps put the medical stuff in perspective. 

I've been able to keep my home and keep food in the fridge. Important stuff! And knowing I've got so many great people in my life is such a blessing/gift. 

So another year is around the corner and I hope it will find me getting some real answers about what is going on with my body and getting hired on permanently at my job. 

Onward and Upward. 

Blog part two aka The E Transformation Diaries

HAF

(Notes from my Notes on phone from 10/10/21)

It's going to be about my 50's and what my current life is like because the 50s are going to be very different than any of the other decades.

This is the decade that I lived with somebody again, A T (M to F) named E and we’re sharing the condo in Bloomington and I think I’m gonna be happy a lot more.

And then halfway through this decade I get to be with Brad finally… He’s going to get his fucking divorce FINALLY.

And how can I forget Noire my sweet little kitty cat;

- who isn’t allowed to go out onto the balcony until she has a harness on (she took a little trip a couple weeks ago that almost gave me a heart attack!)

And what else? Oh yeah, new job!

- I am on assignment through Robert Half working for a Capella University and I think it’s going to be an interesting job and I'm going to like it a LOT (it's the end of week 3, I've learned a ton and I've got ideas...unless they've already been thought of or exist!)

What else is this decade gonna be about - well I’m not getting into debt again but I will get control of it.

So it just occurred to me that living with Ella is going to be an adventure because I'm looking forward to us both embracing our femininity and our strength and our fortitude and our ability to survive and adapt.

We are going to get healthy together both physically and emotionally.

This adventure is also going to be about Ella‘s friends and my new friends and a new little circle of friends that I’m going to be joining for some healing and self-care time (I was so fucking thrilled that I was able to give not only clothes but good shoes to I who is about my size, who can wear them!!)

And A is back for our phone chats!

And Pop is feeling well enough to get another part-time job! He was driving a hotel shuttle but then ...fucking COVID and now he's going to be a breakfast attendant and maybe work the front desk at a hotel! Holy crap! I hope he's not going to be taking on too much with his health the way it is!!!! But go Pop! I joke that he needs to live until I get married but I want him around much longer than that!

So it's pre-E living here. I'm really hopeful that it's going to be a good experience and is exactly what I need in my life right now.

Taking care of others - need the practice for the day I get to take care of B and his little Leo A. That day will come probably faster than I think.

OK, enough for now. I've got a kitty to pay attention to (she's not allowed in my room/office while I'm working...not now at her age anyway.)

Life is GOOD and I've got so many things to be grateful for.

2021 and 1/2

 More and more time passes in between posts. I do love writing but ...

Anyway, here we are. June 2021 and I'm not in a great state of mind.

* I'm unemployed

* B and I never talk anymore

* My physical self is deteriorating

* I'm directionless about what kind of meaning my life should have

* I've been crying. And not because I'm laughing.  

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

I think I was doing OK until mid-march when I accepted a job with Starkey Hearing Technologies. 

Everything was great with them, except for the actual job I was hired for. 

I started on 3/29 and survived going into the office for a couple of days (my manager Dan was very nice about my huffing and puffing from the short walks we took around the building) and they were totally OK with my working from home and sent me home with a laptop and monitor on the 3rd day. 

The next 3 weeks were fine...I was in training and just learning for the job. Then came the first couple of days of training on the phone and that's when it started. 

I went to celebrate the job with T, E & R.J. and got badly sunburned. And then the vertigo was back. I ended up going on medical leave and when that went on for weeks, I opted to resign since I wasn't going to be able to give them a date I'd be back to work and it was a relief. 

I had my catalytic converter stolen during this time too (car had been parked outside while I was letting Oksana park a car in my garage) and on the day I went to have a pipe put on (B's suggestion to do a pipe and not replace the CC) I was with Pop and he asked me how the job was going (forgetting I was on a medical leave) and the first thing I said that instantly came to mind was I hated it. 

I took a job doing the one thing I didn't want to do again. Work in a call-center/be on the phones for my whole shift. I had convinced myself it was fine (and I was so grateful to be offered a job) and I had convinced myself I could do it while I learned the business but I was just kidding myself. 

The whole idea of getting up every day and spending the whole day on the phone, having to be "on" and be THAT me was depressing. And as I type out that last sentence, that is what I'm trying to get away from. I'm so good at being on the phone that it feels like it's the ONLY thing I'm good at anymore and that is depressing. 

And also why I'm struggling now to find a new job. I don't feel like I'm qualified for anything else. 

I did find that the description of correspondence clerk is appealing - and to me that means finding that job that has me basically working emails, NO phones. But in what field? The only field I am currently familiar with is travel. Group travel. 

Anyway so here I am now, needing to find a new job and struggling with that. The kicker is that there are a million jobs out there thanks to the pandemic. Unfortunately a lot of them are in food/retail and understandably so...unemployment pay IS better than what they were making. I do hope companies realize that they need to pay better wages. I don't want to work again for a huge conglomerate where the CEO's make millions and the hardest/front-line workers barely make the minimum. 

I get frustrated that the companies I think I'd like to work for only have jobs I'm completely unqualified for...jobs that require a degree. 

I know I said I'd do temp work and I really think I should just go down that road already. I NEED to get back to work. 

Because with all of this time on my hands...I'm lonely and feel useless. 

Lonely because I don't talk to many people and that includes B. 

I don't know what is going on with him, with us. 

I really thought that when his wife came here to confront him (us? me?) last fall (and he stopped her from ringing my door buzzer all night and had it out with her in my parking lot) that it meant that all the sneaking around and hiding our relationship days would be coming to an end sooner rather than later. That maybe this meant the timeline could be moved up and we wouldn't have to wait until his daughter was 18 before we could really BE together. 

And it was frustrating enough not knowing what would happen next as she started talking about him moving out and buying another house in the neighborhood and attorneys but hoping that meant that the marriage would finally be coming to an end...

And then ...Valentine's Day ...when I let my insecurities and frustration bubble over and I said something hurtful to him without thinking and caused him to pull away from us and our relationship, not sure he could get over it and continue. 

But we got through it and I felt like we were back on track -at least in talking again on a regular basis and now...it's June 16 and I haven't spoken with him since June 3. And prior to that it had been a full 7-day week. 

And when I express my frustration and sadness at that, it does nothing -as in -nothing changes. 

And I don't know that if I had more going on with my life...work, meaning/purpose -that I'd be having such a hard time with it but with nothing else going on, all I can do is wallow in the loneliness of being apart from my love. 

He said it will all be worth it in the end but again, I'm in a situation where I have to survive the now in order to get to the then and I wonder if I can do it. 

I don't know why I can't just relax, secure in the knowledge that he truly loves me and we DO have a future together to look forward to. 

I just need to get a life already. 

I at least took a huge step today and not only took a shower but washed my hair. It had been over a week. 

I should also interject the good thing, the main good thing going for me right now...on June 1, I became a "mommy" again to a little fur baby I (eventually) named Noire. 

She's a very active mostly black furry kitten. Almost 8 weeks. I got her from Oksana -well her neighbor anyway -and I'd like to think that the whole "universe providing" had a little something to do with it. 

I had actually filled out an application to adopt from Animal Ark (a 4-year old cat named "Boots" was my intended) and told Oksana about that when she came to clean and that night after she left, she texted me that she knew of a kitten that needed a home. 

So here we are...2 weeks later and I'm covered in scratches from my head (well, face ) to my toes (well, calves) and it's been...an experience. 

I did FINALLY manage to clip her little claws without trouble (the key is doing while she's laying on my chest napping/dozing) and that is making it SO much easier for me to deal with her. I also hope it means I won't lose my temper on her again. 

When she's sleeping and snuggling with me is my favorite time. I needed to not be alone anymore. I needed something to love. 

I have a vet appointment next week and I'll hope all goes well and this is beginning of a long, long, LONG life together. 

Anyway, back to ...the state of my life right now...

Physically....the vertigo lingers though after some PT from Nat'l Dizzy/Balance Center is way better than it was. My knees hurt. 

I have gained about 20 lbs since the last time I was weighed...and I'm feeling it. 

And as usual, I'm torn between wanting to accept myself for who I am, what size I am and changing it. 

I know health, being in good health should be the primary goal. 

I know loving myself as I am should be the primary goal. 

I just can't get those two things to be anything more than "should be's" 

I still feel like there is some sort of key that I need to find to unlock a door I've got locked in my psyche. 

Did I mention I've got too much time on my hands these days?

And I know that there are things I can do to help with all of this. 

I've been throwing myself one hell of a pity-party the last few weeks and it's time for it to be put on pause (if not end.)

Goodbye 2020

Another year coming to a close. A what a year it's been. 

So many impacted one way or another - so much death, heartache, heartbreak and changes no one planned on or counted on. 

So many cracks in the foundations of life in this country and society exposed. 

I really do hope that 2021 will be better year - though I think we still need to keep our expectations realistic. There are a lot of things that will never be the same again. There is lots of work to still be done.

In the middle of the shit-show, I find myself still so grateful for so many things. 

I find it kind of unbelievable that I got myself to a place where I was able to leave my job and spend a few months figuring out what to do next.

I'm thankful for the many people I have in my life that love me (as I am :) ) and support me. 

I'm thankful I've had the means necessary to hire a career coach, house-cleaner...and a personal chef. 

I just now need to get serious about finding a new job and I'm going to just stop and breathe when I feel the panic rising when I worry about when will I find it and start working again. 

I'm so thankful I've got a man who loves me so much he will upend his life, his daughters life to be with me and make my dreams come true.

Night before last, I found myself thinking about how hard he works and wishing I could tell his parents, remind them, just how hard he works in the business and what a wonderful man he is.  

A million jobs within his jobs/responsibilities and he takes time to care for the people in his life How fucking lucky am I to have a man that works so hard, and works so hard to make me happy? 

Just fucking lucky. 

I thought this was going to be a much longer post...but ...nah. 

The new year is hours away and while I'm going to manage my expectations, keep them realistic, I'm also going stay optimistic and keep hoping for the best for others and myself.

So here's to 2021. Cheers. 

Onward and upward. 

 

2020 and 6 Years Tomorrow

Tomorrow, it will be 6 years when I woke up to a phone call that she was gone. 

I've been thinking...believing that I'm feeling ...less grief now but that isn't quite right. 

It seems like it was forever ago because of how much has happened since...

And I truly believe that she would still be very happy for me -even with religion the wall between us -she loved me and believed in me. 

She understood about my relationship with B (even as she didn't necessarily approve and wished it was different) because she had her own long-distance love affair and had to go through a divorce to get to her happy ending with the love of her life. (And I want to do what she did...when that day comes...courthouse and then [small] dinner/reception at best friends house (E? He'll have the room!))

I'll check on Pop & J tomorrow. 

And for now - this is all I have to say about it. 

In other news - I got accepted to volunteer with The Trevor Project. 

I'm scared but mostly excited. Training starts on 12/8. 

And...I think I finally have a career path to go down. Medical Administration. (Intake Counselor?) working for smaller/specialized practice/clinic. 

School will be required but it's doable. 

And...OK.

Onward and Upward.

2020 - Yes!

Ever since I hooked up this computer, I'm patting myself on the back because I'm now feeling like there is nothing stopping me from posting. (No excuses anymore.)

I have loved having a blog and now it's time to start documenting my life again with this. 

So...here is the latest thing that inspired me to do this one...I got together w/T last week. It was so awesome. I do love it when my friends are willing to just chill with me, here at home. I love my home. 

(And I won't lie, I'm glad I have a little bit of room to accommodate another person living here!)

She was wearing this perfume oil that I went absolutely bonkers for. I ordered it next day and it just arrived today and I didn't waste anytime putting some on. 

Yup, fucking love it. Love it enough to share w/B and see what he thinks. May replace current one I wear for him. 

And I've become him in that I've got lots of choices now too...but this is my new favorite.

R*ddle. Riddle. Fucking gorgeous scent. I ordered the candle and bigger bottle. 

Anyway...I was reading their page "About" and OMG - very very cool and relatable (for me anyway) and I thought...I need to copy and paste that here. I need to have it "on record" ...to be able to re-read it...so without further ado....

https://riddleoil.com/pages/allow-philosophy

"Allow. Philosophy

Riddle Oil lives by a vision that can be expressed in one word, Allow. We believe in being better, not better than others but better than ourselves. We believe in listening from a place of inspiration, not memory. We believe in clarity, understanding what you want from your life. We believe in loving yourself and betting on who you are with the awareness of what you are. Last but not least, we believe in allowing your life to unfold naturally into your dharma (calling).

Being better than who you were yesterday is the main drive of life. It is important to raise your bar and constantly but peacefully create a better life for yourself.

Listening from a place of inspiration requires stilling the mind and taking time to allow your deepest thoughts and desires to arise. We often live from a place of memory and repetitive thought processes. We leave little time for new sparks of inspiration to come through. Yes, taking time out of your day to meditate is very important but the idea is to make your life a seamless meditation. Practice not responding robotically but from a place of freshness.

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  - Amit Ray

Once listening is mastered then clarity can become a way of living. You create a set of principles for yourself that are all the support system for the direction you are walking in your life. Your decisions become beelined to the end result. You stop making decisions that contradict your intended outcome. You are able to use all of your time walking towards the goal and not being distracted by unnecessary side paths.

“It’s a lack of clarity that creates chaos and frustration. Those emotions are poison to any living goal.” – Steve Maraboli

Loving yourself comes from truly accepting that you are here by the sheer miracle of perfect timing, you are much more than you will be able to conceptualize in this lifetime and it is vital to be unapologetically YOU. People are always looking for where they can place their attention. It is up to you to direct the way that you present yourself. If you love yourself, it will show. If you believe in yourself, it will show. Master being confidently humble. You are great, believe it and Allow others to see it.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” -Lao Tzu

Now for the sacred art of Allowing. You have learned the importance to desire betterment, to listen, adopt clarity and love yourself. It is time you understand the necessity of allowing your desires to come into your life. It is like the vampire trope, it can’t come in unless invited. Your desires work much in the same way.

Anything you do in life has the potential to be a masterpiece. Whether you are cooking breakfast or painting a mural, you are a creative being by human design. Fulfilling this role will allow you to experience life from a full sensory place, you will invite excitement and exploration to your daily existence.

You can spend your whole life asking for your desires to come true, but this is only the first part of the creation process. Knowing what you want is a HUGE accomplishment that most people spend their whole lives void of, but you must also see the signs once they are presented. Life will hand you people, circumstances, etc. that you must acknowledge as your next step and allow them into your life. Our wishes are not always fulfilled the way we imagine. We must leave room for universal magic and accept that our plans sometimes need a revision. Trust that what you desire is on its way and allow everything along the way to shape it.

We at Riddle Oil live by this Allow philosophy. We believe in what we are offering the world and hope to inspire you to grace the world with your creative offerings. You are capable of anything you can dream of. 

"Everything that exists right now was once imagined, which means everything that will exist is now being imagined. Use your gift of imagination to create your desires." - Wayne Dyer

Xx

"

2020 Drama and now Election Day to boot! This ought to be interesting.

Oh where to begin....well, one of my homework assignments from C (my career coach) is to think about and answer the questions of ...

What do you want to be remembered for? What do I want for my future self? 

Those are really tough questions because I know there needs to be more than just that I was a good person who tried to not hurt others. 

It seems weird to think about those questions as they relate to finding a new job but I have said that because I see myself - living to work vs. working to live -it is important. 

I want whatever I have done to be something I was proud of. I held my head up high and was always honest and did the right thing. I want to be remembered as someone who had integrity, compassion and shared a lot of love with those I care about. 

My future self wants to have a job I still enjoy getting out of bed for every day. I want to have a balanced life between my work and my personal life. I want my future self to be making a difference and still be learning and growing as a woman. 

And...my future self, wants to be a wife and a step-mom. 

and THAT leads me to the drama. 

Shit just got really real.

I won't get into all of the details. The short version is that SHE DID show up here and officially knows about B and I. She knew, but now other people know and THAT is what blew this whole thing up and things will probably, hopefully change now, not later.  Much as it was a nice thought to wait until A was 18, shit happens.  (Interfering, busybody, fucking neighbors is what happened. It really is a small world after all.)

Based on his actions the night things went down and the conversations afterwards, I feel 99.99999% assured that our relationship is NOT over. 

I have been hoping that because of how our relationship has evolved these last couple of years that I wouldn't lose him if he got "caught" but there is still that tiny bit of me that is scared I'll lose him out of his desire to spare his daughter any more pain that she might feel. 

I hate that people I've never met, people in his life, are going to get hurt by this. There is a price to be paid for this selfishness of ours. 

I never wanted to do anything to cause A pain and suffering but I believe she will be better off without parents who are not committed to each other, better off with a father who isn't living a lie anymore. And I can only hope that SHE will find someone who loves only her and her alone. 

I'm going to hope and pray that when we all come out of this to the other side, that we'll all not only survive but thrive. 

I used to be afraid to have a real relationship with him (N's voice in my head "be careful what you wish for") but I'm not afraid anymore. Oh sure I'm nervous and know we have a long way to go before it's real (in his world) but the thought of going through the ups and downs of life with him don't scare me. I've, we've, already been through so much.  

I just need to be patient and supportive of the process. 

In the meantime, I have myself to keep taking care of...I need to find work and get "back to life" ...

I know I've been just coasting along these last few months, not being a productive member of society and I need to remember I'm capable of so much more. 

And...in the new world -once the results of the election between the orange nasty man and Biden, are in, I hope Biden is the winner because we can't go on the way we were. The world, this country will be the better for it when we have a Commander-in-Chief who understands the job and is a whole lot better of a human being than the orange, nasty man.