Blog part two aka The E Transformation Diaries

HAF

(Notes from my Notes on phone from 10/10/21)

It's going to be about my 50's and what my current life is like because the 50s are going to be very different than any of the other decades.

This is the decade that I lived with somebody again, A T (M to F) named E and we’re sharing the condo in Bloomington and I think I’m gonna be happy a lot more.

And then halfway through this decade I get to be with Brad finally… He’s going to get his fucking divorce FINALLY.

And how can I forget Noire my sweet little kitty cat;

- who isn’t allowed to go out onto the balcony until she has a harness on (she took a little trip a couple weeks ago that almost gave me a heart attack!)

And what else? Oh yeah, new job!

- I am on assignment through Robert Half working for a Capella University and I think it’s going to be an interesting job and I'm going to like it a LOT (it's the end of week 3, I've learned a ton and I've got ideas...unless they've already been thought of or exist!)

What else is this decade gonna be about - well I’m not getting into debt again but I will get control of it.

So it just occurred to me that living with Ella is going to be an adventure because I'm looking forward to us both embracing our femininity and our strength and our fortitude and our ability to survive and adapt.

We are going to get healthy together both physically and emotionally.

This adventure is also going to be about Ella‘s friends and my new friends and a new little circle of friends that I’m going to be joining for some healing and self-care time (I was so fucking thrilled that I was able to give not only clothes but good shoes to I who is about my size, who can wear them!!)

And A is back for our phone chats!

And Pop is feeling well enough to get another part-time job! He was driving a hotel shuttle but then ...fucking COVID and now he's going to be a breakfast attendant and maybe work the front desk at a hotel! Holy crap! I hope he's not going to be taking on too much with his health the way it is!!!! But go Pop! I joke that he needs to live until I get married but I want him around much longer than that!

So it's pre-E living here. I'm really hopeful that it's going to be a good experience and is exactly what I need in my life right now.

Taking care of others - need the practice for the day I get to take care of B and his little Leo A. That day will come probably faster than I think.

OK, enough for now. I've got a kitty to pay attention to (she's not allowed in my room/office while I'm working...not now at her age anyway.)

Life is GOOD and I've got so many things to be grateful for.

2021 and 1/2

 More and more time passes in between posts. I do love writing but ...

Anyway, here we are. June 2021 and I'm not in a great state of mind.

* I'm unemployed

* B and I never talk anymore

* My physical self is deteriorating

* I'm directionless about what kind of meaning my life should have

* I've been crying. And not because I'm laughing.  

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

I think I was doing OK until mid-march when I accepted a job with Starkey Hearing Technologies. 

Everything was great with them, except for the actual job I was hired for. 

I started on 3/29 and survived going into the office for a couple of days (my manager Dan was very nice about my huffing and puffing from the short walks we took around the building) and they were totally OK with my working from home and sent me home with a laptop and monitor on the 3rd day. 

The next 3 weeks were fine...I was in training and just learning for the job. Then came the first couple of days of training on the phone and that's when it started. 

I went to celebrate the job with T, E & R.J. and got badly sunburned. And then the vertigo was back. I ended up going on medical leave and when that went on for weeks, I opted to resign since I wasn't going to be able to give them a date I'd be back to work and it was a relief. 

I had my catalytic converter stolen during this time too (car had been parked outside while I was letting Oksana park a car in my garage) and on the day I went to have a pipe put on (B's suggestion to do a pipe and not replace the CC) I was with Pop and he asked me how the job was going (forgetting I was on a medical leave) and the first thing I said that instantly came to mind was I hated it. 

I took a job doing the one thing I didn't want to do again. Work in a call-center/be on the phones for my whole shift. I had convinced myself it was fine (and I was so grateful to be offered a job) and I had convinced myself I could do it while I learned the business but I was just kidding myself. 

The whole idea of getting up every day and spending the whole day on the phone, having to be "on" and be THAT me was depressing. And as I type out that last sentence, that is what I'm trying to get away from. I'm so good at being on the phone that it feels like it's the ONLY thing I'm good at anymore and that is depressing. 

And also why I'm struggling now to find a new job. I don't feel like I'm qualified for anything else. 

I did find that the description of correspondence clerk is appealing - and to me that means finding that job that has me basically working emails, NO phones. But in what field? The only field I am currently familiar with is travel. Group travel. 

Anyway so here I am now, needing to find a new job and struggling with that. The kicker is that there are a million jobs out there thanks to the pandemic. Unfortunately a lot of them are in food/retail and understandably so...unemployment pay IS better than what they were making. I do hope companies realize that they need to pay better wages. I don't want to work again for a huge conglomerate where the CEO's make millions and the hardest/front-line workers barely make the minimum. 

I get frustrated that the companies I think I'd like to work for only have jobs I'm completely unqualified for...jobs that require a degree. 

I know I said I'd do temp work and I really think I should just go down that road already. I NEED to get back to work. 

Because with all of this time on my hands...I'm lonely and feel useless. 

Lonely because I don't talk to many people and that includes B. 

I don't know what is going on with him, with us. 

I really thought that when his wife came here to confront him (us? me?) last fall (and he stopped her from ringing my door buzzer all night and had it out with her in my parking lot) that it meant that all the sneaking around and hiding our relationship days would be coming to an end sooner rather than later. That maybe this meant the timeline could be moved up and we wouldn't have to wait until his daughter was 18 before we could really BE together. 

And it was frustrating enough not knowing what would happen next as she started talking about him moving out and buying another house in the neighborhood and attorneys but hoping that meant that the marriage would finally be coming to an end...

And then ...Valentine's Day ...when I let my insecurities and frustration bubble over and I said something hurtful to him without thinking and caused him to pull away from us and our relationship, not sure he could get over it and continue. 

But we got through it and I felt like we were back on track -at least in talking again on a regular basis and now...it's June 16 and I haven't spoken with him since June 3. And prior to that it had been a full 7-day week. 

And when I express my frustration and sadness at that, it does nothing -as in -nothing changes. 

And I don't know that if I had more going on with my life...work, meaning/purpose -that I'd be having such a hard time with it but with nothing else going on, all I can do is wallow in the loneliness of being apart from my love. 

He said it will all be worth it in the end but again, I'm in a situation where I have to survive the now in order to get to the then and I wonder if I can do it. 

I don't know why I can't just relax, secure in the knowledge that he truly loves me and we DO have a future together to look forward to. 

I just need to get a life already. 

I at least took a huge step today and not only took a shower but washed my hair. It had been over a week. 

I should also interject the good thing, the main good thing going for me right now...on June 1, I became a "mommy" again to a little fur baby I (eventually) named Noire. 

She's a very active mostly black furry kitten. Almost 8 weeks. I got her from Oksana -well her neighbor anyway -and I'd like to think that the whole "universe providing" had a little something to do with it. 

I had actually filled out an application to adopt from Animal Ark (a 4-year old cat named "Boots" was my intended) and told Oksana about that when she came to clean and that night after she left, she texted me that she knew of a kitten that needed a home. 

So here we are...2 weeks later and I'm covered in scratches from my head (well, face ) to my toes (well, calves) and it's been...an experience. 

I did FINALLY manage to clip her little claws without trouble (the key is doing while she's laying on my chest napping/dozing) and that is making it SO much easier for me to deal with her. I also hope it means I won't lose my temper on her again. 

When she's sleeping and snuggling with me is my favorite time. I needed to not be alone anymore. I needed something to love. 

I have a vet appointment next week and I'll hope all goes well and this is beginning of a long, long, LONG life together. 

Anyway, back to ...the state of my life right now...

Physically....the vertigo lingers though after some PT from Nat'l Dizzy/Balance Center is way better than it was. My knees hurt. 

I have gained about 20 lbs since the last time I was weighed...and I'm feeling it. 

And as usual, I'm torn between wanting to accept myself for who I am, what size I am and changing it. 

I know health, being in good health should be the primary goal. 

I know loving myself as I am should be the primary goal. 

I just can't get those two things to be anything more than "should be's" 

I still feel like there is some sort of key that I need to find to unlock a door I've got locked in my psyche. 

Did I mention I've got too much time on my hands these days?

And I know that there are things I can do to help with all of this. 

I've been throwing myself one hell of a pity-party the last few weeks and it's time for it to be put on pause (if not end.)

Goodbye 2020

Another year coming to a close. A what a year it's been. 

So many impacted one way or another - so much death, heartache, heartbreak and changes no one planned on or counted on. 

So many cracks in the foundations of life in this country and society exposed. 

I really do hope that 2021 will be better year - though I think we still need to keep our expectations realistic. There are a lot of things that will never be the same again. There is lots of work to still be done.

In the middle of the shit-show, I find myself still so grateful for so many things. 

I find it kind of unbelievable that I got myself to a place where I was able to leave my job and spend a few months figuring out what to do next.

I'm thankful for the many people I have in my life that love me (as I am :) ) and support me. 

I'm thankful I've had the means necessary to hire a career coach, house-cleaner...and a personal chef. 

I just now need to get serious about finding a new job and I'm going to just stop and breathe when I feel the panic rising when I worry about when will I find it and start working again. 

I'm so thankful I've got a man who loves me so much he will upend his life, his daughters life to be with me and make my dreams come true.

Night before last, I found myself thinking about how hard he works and wishing I could tell his parents, remind them, just how hard he works in the business and what a wonderful man he is.  

A million jobs within his jobs/responsibilities and he takes time to care for the people in his life How fucking lucky am I to have a man that works so hard, and works so hard to make me happy? 

Just fucking lucky. 

I thought this was going to be a much longer post...but ...nah. 

The new year is hours away and while I'm going to manage my expectations, keep them realistic, I'm also going stay optimistic and keep hoping for the best for others and myself.

So here's to 2021. Cheers. 

Onward and upward. 

 

2020 and 6 Years Tomorrow

Tomorrow, it will be 6 years when I woke up to a phone call that she was gone. 

I've been thinking...believing that I'm feeling ...less grief now but that isn't quite right. 

It seems like it was forever ago because of how much has happened since...

And I truly believe that she would still be very happy for me -even with religion the wall between us -she loved me and believed in me. 

She understood about my relationship with B (even as she didn't necessarily approve and wished it was different) because she had her own long-distance love affair and had to go through a divorce to get to her happy ending with the love of her life. (And I want to do what she did...when that day comes...courthouse and then [small] dinner/reception at best friends house (E? He'll have the room!))

I'll check on Pop & J tomorrow. 

And for now - this is all I have to say about it. 

In other news - I got accepted to volunteer with The Trevor Project. 

I'm scared but mostly excited. Training starts on 12/8. 

And...I think I finally have a career path to go down. Medical Administration. (Intake Counselor?) working for smaller/specialized practice/clinic. 

School will be required but it's doable. 

And...OK.

Onward and Upward.

2020 - Yes!

Ever since I hooked up this computer, I'm patting myself on the back because I'm now feeling like there is nothing stopping me from posting. (No excuses anymore.)

I have loved having a blog and now it's time to start documenting my life again with this. 

So...here is the latest thing that inspired me to do this one...I got together w/T last week. It was so awesome. I do love it when my friends are willing to just chill with me, here at home. I love my home. 

(And I won't lie, I'm glad I have a little bit of room to accommodate another person living here!)

She was wearing this perfume oil that I went absolutely bonkers for. I ordered it next day and it just arrived today and I didn't waste anytime putting some on. 

Yup, fucking love it. Love it enough to share w/B and see what he thinks. May replace current one I wear for him. 

And I've become him in that I've got lots of choices now too...but this is my new favorite.

R*ddle. Riddle. Fucking gorgeous scent. I ordered the candle and bigger bottle. 

Anyway...I was reading their page "About" and OMG - very very cool and relatable (for me anyway) and I thought...I need to copy and paste that here. I need to have it "on record" ...to be able to re-read it...so without further ado....

https://riddleoil.com/pages/allow-philosophy

"Allow. Philosophy

Riddle Oil lives by a vision that can be expressed in one word, Allow. We believe in being better, not better than others but better than ourselves. We believe in listening from a place of inspiration, not memory. We believe in clarity, understanding what you want from your life. We believe in loving yourself and betting on who you are with the awareness of what you are. Last but not least, we believe in allowing your life to unfold naturally into your dharma (calling).

Being better than who you were yesterday is the main drive of life. It is important to raise your bar and constantly but peacefully create a better life for yourself.

Listening from a place of inspiration requires stilling the mind and taking time to allow your deepest thoughts and desires to arise. We often live from a place of memory and repetitive thought processes. We leave little time for new sparks of inspiration to come through. Yes, taking time out of your day to meditate is very important but the idea is to make your life a seamless meditation. Practice not responding robotically but from a place of freshness.

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  - Amit Ray

Once listening is mastered then clarity can become a way of living. You create a set of principles for yourself that are all the support system for the direction you are walking in your life. Your decisions become beelined to the end result. You stop making decisions that contradict your intended outcome. You are able to use all of your time walking towards the goal and not being distracted by unnecessary side paths.

“It’s a lack of clarity that creates chaos and frustration. Those emotions are poison to any living goal.” – Steve Maraboli

Loving yourself comes from truly accepting that you are here by the sheer miracle of perfect timing, you are much more than you will be able to conceptualize in this lifetime and it is vital to be unapologetically YOU. People are always looking for where they can place their attention. It is up to you to direct the way that you present yourself. If you love yourself, it will show. If you believe in yourself, it will show. Master being confidently humble. You are great, believe it and Allow others to see it.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” -Lao Tzu

Now for the sacred art of Allowing. You have learned the importance to desire betterment, to listen, adopt clarity and love yourself. It is time you understand the necessity of allowing your desires to come into your life. It is like the vampire trope, it can’t come in unless invited. Your desires work much in the same way.

Anything you do in life has the potential to be a masterpiece. Whether you are cooking breakfast or painting a mural, you are a creative being by human design. Fulfilling this role will allow you to experience life from a full sensory place, you will invite excitement and exploration to your daily existence.

You can spend your whole life asking for your desires to come true, but this is only the first part of the creation process. Knowing what you want is a HUGE accomplishment that most people spend their whole lives void of, but you must also see the signs once they are presented. Life will hand you people, circumstances, etc. that you must acknowledge as your next step and allow them into your life. Our wishes are not always fulfilled the way we imagine. We must leave room for universal magic and accept that our plans sometimes need a revision. Trust that what you desire is on its way and allow everything along the way to shape it.

We at Riddle Oil live by this Allow philosophy. We believe in what we are offering the world and hope to inspire you to grace the world with your creative offerings. You are capable of anything you can dream of. 

"Everything that exists right now was once imagined, which means everything that will exist is now being imagined. Use your gift of imagination to create your desires." - Wayne Dyer

Xx

"

2020 Drama and now Election Day to boot! This ought to be interesting.

Oh where to begin....well, one of my homework assignments from C (my career coach) is to think about and answer the questions of ...

What do you want to be remembered for? What do I want for my future self? 

Those are really tough questions because I know there needs to be more than just that I was a good person who tried to not hurt others. 

It seems weird to think about those questions as they relate to finding a new job but I have said that because I see myself - living to work vs. working to live -it is important. 

I want whatever I have done to be something I was proud of. I held my head up high and was always honest and did the right thing. I want to be remembered as someone who had integrity, compassion and shared a lot of love with those I care about. 

My future self wants to have a job I still enjoy getting out of bed for every day. I want to have a balanced life between my work and my personal life. I want my future self to be making a difference and still be learning and growing as a woman. 

And...my future self, wants to be a wife and a step-mom. 

and THAT leads me to the drama. 

Shit just got really real.

I won't get into all of the details. The short version is that SHE DID show up here and officially knows about B and I. She knew, but now other people know and THAT is what blew this whole thing up and things will probably, hopefully change now, not later.  Much as it was a nice thought to wait until A was 18, shit happens.  (Interfering, busybody, fucking neighbors is what happened. It really is a small world after all.)

Based on his actions the night things went down and the conversations afterwards, I feel 99.99999% assured that our relationship is NOT over. 

I have been hoping that because of how our relationship has evolved these last couple of years that I wouldn't lose him if he got "caught" but there is still that tiny bit of me that is scared I'll lose him out of his desire to spare his daughter any more pain that she might feel. 

I hate that people I've never met, people in his life, are going to get hurt by this. There is a price to be paid for this selfishness of ours. 

I never wanted to do anything to cause A pain and suffering but I believe she will be better off without parents who are not committed to each other, better off with a father who isn't living a lie anymore. And I can only hope that SHE will find someone who loves only her and her alone. 

I'm going to hope and pray that when we all come out of this to the other side, that we'll all not only survive but thrive. 

I used to be afraid to have a real relationship with him (N's voice in my head "be careful what you wish for") but I'm not afraid anymore. Oh sure I'm nervous and know we have a long way to go before it's real (in his world) but the thought of going through the ups and downs of life with him don't scare me. I've, we've, already been through so much.  

I just need to be patient and supportive of the process. 

In the meantime, I have myself to keep taking care of...I need to find work and get "back to life" ...

I know I've been just coasting along these last few months, not being a productive member of society and I need to remember I'm capable of so much more. 

And...in the new world -once the results of the election between the orange nasty man and Biden, are in, I hope Biden is the winner because we can't go on the way we were. The world, this country will be the better for it when we have a Commander-in-Chief who understands the job and is a whole lot better of a human being than the orange, nasty man.

Did I Mention 2020 Has Been One Hell of a Year?

Another day, another week, another month of still wondering what in the hell to do with myself, my life. 

Another day, another week, another month of staying up all night and sleeping all day. 

*sigh*

I just did some casual scanning of "remote/non-profit jobs" and am left feeling how I usually am when I do that kind of search...defeated. Most jobs I'm either highly unqualified for (college degree needed for Management/Director types of jobs) or see jobs that just leave me...cold. 

And then there is also the thought...do I go to school or do some sort of training? I couldn't even finish a free course from Yale ("The Science of Well-Being") ...

I'm so ...lost.  I'm swimming in place and not going anywhere. There are too many directions to go in (I know, I know, "take the first step in faith, you don't have to see the whole staircase...") and just because I take a step doesn't mean I can't pivot and go in another direction.

It's not helping that I don't know what I want other than I want to do something I feel passionate about and help others. I don't know what I want other than to do something service-related vs. sales. 

Or do I do something like go to school (for something, for what?) and work part-time? 

Do I just find a job that keeps the mortgage paid ...work to live, not live to work? 

It feels like I'm forgetting that people who succeed, do actually work for their success. 

I also have to acknowledge, I just don't feel like working right now. It's enough work for me to get out of bed everyday and take a shower.

And on top of all of this lack of direction in my life...my relationship is in jeopardy. 

Someone sent a picture of my intercom to his roommate (and she looked me up on LinkedIn and saw my picture of me) so now I am living in fear of her coming over to confront me. 

I am thankful it is a controlled entry here but that doesn't mean she couldn't get into the building some other way. 

I have no desire to speak with her because I don't think I could stop myself from speaking the truth and that would jeopardize his relationship with his daughter. 

I love him so much...he is the best thing I have in my life -especially right now (of course that then brings up a whole 'nother issue...that I need more going for me than having him in my life) ...but I had a thought that there is a solution that not only works for him...he doesn't have to continue living his double life but I also don't have to live with the times of anger and sadness when he stands me up because he can't get away. 

I also partially think it really sucks that he IS getting to have both of what he wants...he gets to be a full-time dad AND have me. It's not fair and it makes me angry but I've been going along with it because the alternative sucks.

I also hate that I DO have to live in the shadows. How is that supposed to help when I do start legitimately start looking for work/applying for jobs (e.g. I can't use LinkedIn the way it should be used.)

I hate that I have to worry about her coming to find me. 

So do I suggest that we change our relationship and spend the next 5 years just talking on the phone but never see each other...that we can't see each other again in person until that day comes when he gets divorced? We would have to treat it like it's a long-distance relationship (it already feels like that a lot of the time.) We have tried being apart, no contact and that didn't work. We have tried being together and trying to avoid having him "caught". Maybe we need to try, being together, but apart.

Can we get to our future together if we do that? It feels like it would solve the problem in a lot of ways.

The bad news about that plan though is that when I'm physically with him, it's my happy place. Being together is everything I want in life. To not be able to hug and kiss him (and not feel his touch) would be awful.  Can we really both go another week, month, year without being able to touch and kiss each other, let alone 5 years?

I know that life isn't fair and we don't always get what we want but to think that I may need to give him up like this fucking sucks. 

I can't even think of any other ideas and I haven't talked to him since last Friday (it's Wednesday) and not being able to talk to him about this is frustrating. I know I could call him but know he has a lot going on -more than usual -since his father had the stroke and refuses to quit working. 

While I'm...waiting on talking to him, I can get back to "working on myself" ...

I am glad I'm investing in the services of a professional chef. I'm finally taking control of food in my life. It's my bitch now. 

So now just to keep working on re-connecting with my body. I found a great article and it included a letter someone wrote to themselves that I related to almost 100%;

Body Image: 5 Ways to Reconnect with Your Body

By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS
Last updated: 30 Mar 2019

~ 4 min read

Do you ever feel disconnected from your body? Like the two of you are separate entities? Or more like enemies?

In college, I used to have many moments when my body would feel foreign. My body just didn’t feel like my own, and I’d walk around in a haze. These feelings were especially palpable on the nights I’d overeat, when I felt like I was outside my body. When I knew I was ingesting tons of calories and crap but somehow, at the time, I felt so detached that I didn’t care. Now thinking about it, I was too focused on soothing the pain.

Other times, I’d tense up, feel overwhelmed and want to run — run right out of my body. I felt suffocated by what I interpreted as layers and layers of fat.

If you’ve ever felt this way or just wanted to feel more comfortable in your own skin, here are several suggestions for reconnecting with your body.

1. Do yoga. I enjoy many different kinds of exercise, but I’ve found that no other physical activity has connected me to my body like yoga. Yoga forces me to slow down, to be in the present, to treat my body gently and to truly feel my body (if that makes sense).

I also think that yoga teaches us to be kinder to our bodies – instead of viewing them as adversaries, punching bags or unworthy entities we need to mold and manipulate.

Here’s an article from Yoga Journal on how yoga can make us feel happy in our own skin, and better appreciate our bodies. My favorite part of the article is when a yoga teacher talks about our amazing feet (yes, feet!).

“My instructor would start the class talking about what an amazing structure the foot is, how it roots us to the earth. Then she would guide a self-massage of the foot and encourage us to revel in each sensation,” Starr recalls. “She asked us to be conscious of how it felt to walk down the street, where our weight hit, how it shifted, and to recognize the small miracle of walking. All of that allowed me to think of my body not as something that needed to be changed or that had to be punished but as a vessel that could carry me through anything.”

2. Notice your body. Golda Poretsky, who owns and operates Body Love Wellness, shared a great tip in her Weightless interview on loving our bodies, and I think it’s especially helpful for reconnecting with them, too.

…The next time you take a shower or put on body lotion, do it really slowly. Do it at least three times as slowly as you normally would. Pay attention to what you’re doing, the way your skin feels as you touch it, the type of pressure that you like, the way your muscles soften or contract in response, the way your skin changes color ever so slightly.  You can do this wordlessly, or just say a word or two, like “beautiful” or “love” or even hum a bit. This is going to feel so different than your usual shower or lotion application session. Notice how your body feels as you move throughout the day. Often, you’ll feel sexier, more relaxed, etc. It’s a beautiful way to instill body love right into your body.

3. Communicate with your body. Get into your body’s mind. What I mean by that is consider what your body goes through every time you start and end a diet or any time you bash it. One way to talk to your body is by writing a letter. I’m seriously in love with this letter that Sally McGraw of Already Pretty wrote to her body. An excerpt:

You have kept me safe from major illness and injury my whole life. Despite coming from a family that boasts both poor genetics and poor lifestyle choices, you have managed to preserve me from any sort of dire health situation. And despite spectacular clumsiness, you’ve bounced back from every tumble and scrape. In fact, you seem to possess an almost superhuman ability to adapt – to the point that I need to stock and rotate 3 types of deodorant lest you become immune within a matter of weeks and make me stink to high heaven. You also go to great lengths to heal. You are so determined to keep me safe that you actually produce an overabundance of scar tissue. You have kept me healthy and strong for 31 years.

And I have repaid you with indifference.

…

You have reacted with resilience to every diet and exercise regimen that has been inflicted upon you. From junk food and laziness, to South Beach and perfunctory gym visits, to Lean Cuisines and frenzied biking, you have adapted and shifted and transformed. You have slimmed down, gained muscle mass, reverted to squish, and everything in between.

And I have repaid you with revulsion.

Towards the end, she makes a promise to her body, something you might consider doing, too. She writes:

I hope to remain in conversation with you, and I hope to keep learning. And in learning, I hope to accept. And in acceptance, I hope to eventually hack out a path toward love.

4. Remember that you are whole. Remember that you aren’t your inner thighs or your less-than muscular middle. In an interview on Weightless, eating disorder survivor and advocate Kendra Sebellius talks about the connection and empowerment she felt when she stopped seeing herself as separate parts.

In treatment I was forced to look in the mirror naked – which at the time was terrifying. But the more I did it, the more I saw myself as a whole person.

I focus on seeing my body as a whole unit, versus chopping up who I am based on arms, thighs, neck, stomach, face, etc.

5. Take a breather. Stop whatever you’re doing and listen. Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Am I anxious, angry, annoyed, exhausted? Years ago, what I interpreted as a disgusting body overwhelmed by fat was really a body — and mind — overwhelmed by sad and frustrated feelings.

Also, ask yourself what your body needs right now. When you don’t listen to your body and what it requires that’s when you feel most disconnected. Attending to your body’s needs helps you reconnect to it. When you listen to your body, you acknowledge it, you give it a voice. Nourishing your body with food when it’s hungry, taking a few deep breaths because you feel your body tensing up are all ways to feel closer to your body and reconnect with it.

I do need to give my body credit for the things it does "right". I need to give it credit for all of the things it's survived and overcome (the fuckula!) I need to be grateful I have all of my limbs and that I have 2 hands with all 10 fingers. I need to be grateful I can hear music I love and the voices of people I love. I need to be grateful my eyes can see since there is so much beauty in the world. I need to be grateful I have a sense of smell that can smell my favorite incense and his cologne and good food being cooked.

I know I need to be grateful that I can stand up on two legs and get up and out of bed everyday. 

But how do I translate gratitude into action? (Maybe that will be the next question for A. I have my next phone appointment with her tomorrow.)

It always seems to come down to action. I need to figure out a way to get out of my head and actually DO stuff. 

Maybe I just need to adapt that old Nike slogan of "Just Do It"...Hmm...that's not a bad idea.