Child Free

Soon ...1 year since I lost the ability to bear a child.

I'm thinking about it now because I just got home from spending some time with R, K and the boys. At their ages, 4 and 18 months, so much time and energy has to be spent on keeping them fed and clean...from their cute little bottoms to tiny little teeth.

And in between those moments are glimpses of their little forming personalities.

Choosing to be a parent really truly is huge responsibility (and do I feel like I dodged a bullet?)

So many of the people I love the most are parents. And I am in awe. And I have so much to learn so that I can continue to be a part of their lives...and be more prepared for the new child that will eventually be a part of my life.

And how appropriate that the song in the background is Tracey Thorn to remind you that you are more than a parent too.

Nowhere Near

Dog days of summer
Heat haze and bad temper
And whole days of shouting
"Would you listen to me?"

See, I'm the one in charge now
What happened to me?
I turned into someone's mother

Really someone should give me a uniform
Or someone should show me where is the door
Or someone should come around and explain
How it is that love forgets to speak its name

And then you turn on the news
And it's somebody else's news
And it's always such bad news
And I'm no good with sad news anymore
Gets me running upstairs
To count heads in tangled beds

And someone tears up that uniform
And somewhere gently closes a door
And I'm right here once more
Crying, confessing, counting my blessings

Don't let go
Cause we'll never know
That even when the sky is clear
And the moon looks really close
Well it's nowhere near

Another “Keeper”

Mind. fucking. blown. I'm going through a box of cards and came across these. I got these cards from my mother (OK I took them without telling her) YEARS ago and as I look closer, I realize that I was actually THERE -out of all of the places I could have stayed when I went, I was not only at the coolest hotel, Le Chat Noir (which I'm obsessed with) but I was around the corner from THIS Boulangerie AND it was the only one I went to where I got that delicious apple tartine (?)....that of course was the trip I took on the 1st Anniversary of her passing. I really am beginning to believe that there are unseen forces at work in the world.  @ Hôtel Le Chat Noir

And until I can figure out to put pictures in my post again...

https://photos.app.goo.gl/hNSc1Bh1gE9JvYt83

Star Wars - The Last Jedi

Only proceed if you A. Have seen the movie or B. Haven't but will live if something ends up seeming like a spoiler.

"The Last Jedi is about this tension, about the ways that generations uneasily give way to other generations and the ways we all learn to accept that our parents (or parental figures) sometimes have the right answers and sometimes don’t. It’s a big, bold, complex film, full of contradictory notes, a little like Empire was. I suspect, in time, it will age just as satisfactorily, but it’s also possible I’m wrong. Loving it means letting go, just a little bit, of some rosy past and embracing a future that might lead to disappointment. 

The people we were aren’t always the people we become, and that’s both a necessary lesson and a bitter disappointment, but you can’t become yourself without learning to live alongside that discomfort. And now there’s a Star Wars movie about that very dilemma, right when we all might need it most."

☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️❤️❤️❤️❣️❤️❤️❤️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️❤️❤️❤️❣️❤️❤️❤️☯️☯️☯️☯️

And Now Here We Are - Part II

Finally got around to reading this weeks Free Will Astrology and this was fucking spot on!

(Must save and this is my favorite place to share this kind of thing :D)

Free Will Astrology

January 10, 2018

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): If I were your mentor or your guide, I'd declare
this the Leo Makeover Season. First I'd hire a masseuse or masseur to
knead you firmly and tenderly. I'd send you to the nutritionist, stylist,
dream interpreter, trainer, and life coach. I'd brainstorm with the people
who know you best to come up with suggestions for how to help free you
from your illusions and infuse your daily rhythm with twenty percent more
happiness. I'd try to talk you out of continuing your association with
anyone or anything that's no damn good for you. In conclusion, I'd be
thorough as I worked to get you unlocked, debugged, and retooled.

And I need to see H again and/or maybe look into getting a Reiki massage instead and set up a hair appointment and...and...and.

And Now Here We Are

I think it’s about time I got back to posting here on a regular basis...sporadic posting isn’t doing any of us any good...OK, that was a bit dramatic but I was dying to use the word sporadic! Anyway, where was I.

Yes. Post more. It’s a new year and my life needs to keep moving forward. I took a couple weeks off of swimming to deal with the cold I picked up over Christmas...that I think I’m finally over and I’m looking forward to getting back on the life track.

So I will come here to keep writing out for myself (and anyone else who still reads this) the various random thoughts I want to put down for clarity and posterity. :D

The reason I’m here now? Sometimes I dazzle myself with my brilliance. Kidding. Very occasionally I write something myself that I think is pretty damn good.

One of my farm friends, D, told me today that she doesn’t have cancer but still is going to be suffering with her own chronic medical condition and my first reaction was to give her advice. So here it is in it’s brilliance, minus her full first name,...

Aww I'm so glad to hear not cancer but still sucks. You've already been learning a new way to live and now that you actually know what’s what you really can do this. Here is my hopefully helpful advice... whether you want it or not LOL ♥️...the first thing I recommend you do (this coming from a person who lives with a chronic medical condition) is accept that you now are a person with a chronic medical condition (if you've already done this, great! You're ahead of the game.) Yes our things are very different but we share that life as we once knew it is changed and prepare yourself for the way your body will be failing you. Learn to be kind and patient with yourself as you go. Find a support group that has people (women only is great) going through the same thing. I know there has got to be a support group for you out there...start with FB!! (Wish I’d started there! I found a closed private group on FB for mine and it’s been such a help in so many ways) and read any tips and advice they offer and participate. Use them, learn what you can (but yet take everything with a grain of salt) and really talk and check in with the medical professionals you’ll be spending time with ....and then know it’s OK to take a break from your support group because there will come a time you remember who YOU were before everything turned to shit. There will also come a time you need to get angry and fight back against what you can. The sooner the better. Live your life. Farm!! We're here for you and understand (mmm hello remember why we chose Survivors as our co op name??? 😏) Know that you are not going to BE your medical problems and limitations. Get up when you can and get through a day by getting from one moment to the next. Ask for help. Let people help you. You can do this and you’re not alone, D, are not alone. ♥️

I’ve also given myself permission, right now, to be OK with only posting something short but sweet.

Later.

2018 is almost here...

As the end of 2017 nears, I just had to reflect on how this past year has been. I’ve got so much to be thankful for that I almost can’t stand it.

In no particular order...

1. Love
2. Health
3. Friends
4. Family
5. Work

Well...OK so maybe there is some order....

Love. I’m more in love with B every day, every week, every month and every year. I finally found THE date when it became clear that we just couldn’t stay away from each other. 9/25/2003. We have so much history and I couldn’t remember the exact date when he called me after getting the postcard telling him how to find me and life as I knew it would never be the same.

As I previously mentioned, there is a real future for us and that we started the conversation about it makes what feels like a dream feel more real. I want it so much and I’m overjoyed and giddy and a little bit scared all at the same time. That little bit of fear isn’t going to keep me from my new mantra though...that the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades.

As of right now, I’m wearing his promise of our future together on my right hand and it fills my heart with so much joy and happiness to think about what's ahead for us. I will acknowledge again that it won’t be easy getting there for either of us but we’re both ALL in.

Health. I’m not only taking it more seriously and doing something about it for myself but because now I have that future with B and his daughter to look forward to. I do want to grow old with him. (And yes of course I want to watch my nephew's grow up R!) I used to not think about it...or care about it very much...just getting from one day to the next...surviving as I’ve had to do all of my life in one way or another ...and the future was something only thought about in a very abstract way. Having the problems with my ass haven’t helped. It’s been a challenge making plans for the future because I didn’t know if I would be able to handle it. I still have the fuckula and Wilbur but things are calm right now and while I will see what happens next and what my surgeon recommends, I can handle it. Working with H, my Reiki healer, has been amazing. Yes, amazing. Peeling back layers of things I’ve been hanging on to emotionally and letting them go and realizing that I’m not my medical problems has made a huge difference in my life. Also, learning to let go of whatever it is that is sabotaging my attempts to take better care of myself (lose weight) because it’s no longer serving me. Even right now as I type this...I’m having that “a-ha!” moment...being this size, this weight hasn’t prevented me from getting hurt, feeling sad, feeling depressed and having bad shit happen to me. It’s done nothing but become my excuse to hide out from the world.

So...the changes have begun. I’m actually going over to the Y and I find that I really do enjoy the swimming for exercise. When I’m in the pool, I feel no pain. Besides the obvious benefits of just feeling better overall, when I think about all of the many good reasons to get healthier...taking trips with friends and family and not having to stop and rest every block and being able to keep up with my nephews ...I want it and I want it bad. I can still be ME even if there is less of me. I can still make a statement with my personality and who I am and who I am doesn’t have to be the fat person I am today. Yes, fat. I’m OK with curvy, plump, full-figured...but I don’t want to carry all of this weight anymore. It’s heavy and exhausting.

So my new life is that going swimming after work is just what I do. The food/eating part of this equation is a work in progress but I’ll get there. “It took a long time to gain this weight, it will take a long time to lose it again” but instead of focusing on that I just have to just take it one day a time and keep getting back on the horse when I fall off. I will admit though that I do have the dream of one day stepping out of the pool and all of a sudden pounds have just melted all away.

I’m not going to let fear of success derail me either. In the past, if I’ve lost weight and someone has noticed/commented, it freaked me out...like uh-oh, I’m losing my shield, I better put it back up!!!!

I’ve also quit smoking again. Well, smoking at home anyway...I went to visit S in San Diego weekend before last and I allowed myself to have them there but I didn’t smoke as much as I normally have in the past (I think I mentioned it was the same when I visited S in November yes?) and it really helps that it’s winter-time and there is no place outside with super easy access like at my last apartment to go. Mentally, I still need to work on this. For the time being, since it’s not easy to do (and they’re not easy to get) and as long as I don’t think about it, I can do it. So moving on...

Friends. I’m so lucky to have the friends I do. Their support and encouragement is priceless. It’s such a gift to have people in your life that you can be yourself with.

Family. There has been some problems between Pop and J but I’d like to think they’ll get past them. And I’m reserving true judgment of his wife until I meet her...if I ever do.

Work. How incredibly lucky am I to be working the job I love, from home..especially on these cold winter days. If I want to continue doing the job I’m doing, I will have to interview for it at some point but I’ll cross that bridge once I get to it. Today I did have the random thought about what it might be like to go back to working in the office but it quickly went as fast as it came.

I’m actually a little overwhelmed with how good my life is right now. I used to think I was stuck in place but I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m feeling hopeful and just taking the baby steps to keep moving forward. I still have work to do on getting out there and and putting myself back out there into the world and participate in life but I’m on the right track.

And also next...finding ways to give back to others.

3 Years

It’s now been over 3 years since I lost mom.

I went down to FL to spend time with Sally again and this time around we didn’t really talk about mom very much. Sally’s health is not very good right now and she’s in a lot of pain so we just spent quiet, stoned (thanks to my cousin) time together. Attempts were made to work on the huge list of things she needed done but we didn’t get very far. Hopefully the things we DID do will still help.

Emotionally the best way I can describe how I feel right now about her being gone comes from this thing posted on FB. It’s part of a post about a co-workers deceased uncle and it’s absolutely spot-on for me...

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

And that’s what I’ve been doing. Rebuilding my life around the loss. I’ve moved into a much nicer apartment with a big window that brings in the light I didn’t know I was missing in my old apartment. I’m here to have a fresh start in a variety of ways...all centered around getting myself to a healthier place. I want to start participating in life again.

The first big step was taken week before last when I joined the Y. Now...to go.

I think I also need to be patient with myself...change doesn’t happen overnight. I recently really finally got it. That it’s about just taking a step each day. I can’t get impatient because I don’t see instant changes to things...it will take time and I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and if I stand still, well I’m standing still for the moment but it doesn’t mean I’m permanently stuck.

Thanksgiving is in 2 days and I have so so much to be thankful for. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am for my life....especially as I see suffering and unhappiness all around me.

When the bad shit happens (like coming home from FL with a bunch of bug bites on my legs and feet) I can just shake it off.

So in this new place, with a fancy kitchen and rooftop patios, I will see who I become next. And Mom will be watching from the shelf in the corner and I hope she likes what she sees.