Change. The Only Certainty in Life.

There’s nothing like the reality of an upcoming move to make you re-evaluate your life and more importantly, your possessions.

I’ve decided to move. September 1st. Into Galtier Towers. It’s downtown St. Paul. A place I’ve dreamed of living ever since I was a teenager. When Galtier Plaza opened back in the 80’s, I spent some time there, going to movies and hanging out. One of my very favorite movies was seen there for the first time…”Some Kind of Wonderful” with the dreamy Eric Stoltz and the badass Mary Stuart Masterson. Their kiss ½ way through the movie is one of THE best movie kisses ever filmed. So here we are, 30+ years later and the timing is such that I’m going for it.

A big reason (besides the dishwasher and the rooftop deck w/pool!) is that it’s in the same building as the downtown YMCA. I’ll be able to swim year round and I’m now eliminating my last excuse for why I haven’t gotten a membership already…which is that if it’s not easy to get to (it’s not hard, but it’s not convenient) I just won't do it. Now I don’t expect everything in life to be easy BUT the hard things are hard enough and I have plenty of challenges already (though I’m not complaining because my life is so awesome in so many ways) so this is one less hurdle to moving forward with taking better care of myself. I have learned that if I structure things in my life in certain ways, I succeed. This is that for me.

(And in a delicious twist of fate, the floor plan of the unit I’m moving into is the sperm donors first name, Clay! (Is the universe finally going to be getting a say in my life? :D ))

I’ve been here at W. 7th for about 3 years now and now that I’ve got a new place to look forward to living in, I’m finding myself thinking about all of the things I WON'T miss about my current place. Oh sure, it’s got character and charm and feels like a home BUT I won’t miss the awkward layout of the bathroom right off the kitchen (that the bathroom is across from the kitchen in the new place is a totally different thing!) and the tiny kitchen w/no counter space and the centipedes/spiders and the nasty basement that gets flooded every time it rains and having to use air-conditioners to keep cool in the summer and having to move the fan around constantly in order to distribute the cool air around and…and…and…well, you get the picture.

I am at a point in my life where I feel the need to move forward somehow, someway and this is the road I’m taking.

While I still am dealing with the fuckula (and I pray to god it doesn’t flare up/require surgery in the next 2 months) I feel this is the time to slough off the old and embrace the new.

I’m finding it hard though to be objective about my possessions…and I’ve got to be because I’m going back into a studio apartment. There are things of course that are a no brainer. The shelf that I got from my mother and all of the Jim Beam decanters I got from Grandpa, Aunt S and my bro.

But I guess I have to realize that if I’m tossing something out, I’m not tossing the person…e.g. there is a lovely get well card from one of my co-workers that I received after the whole ass business began a couple of years ago that I just came across. I can just read it again, enjoy the warm fuzzy it gives me and then toss it.

I’m going to get rid of the broken chairs and dressers. Anything broken, beyond repair, is going out the door. I’ve hung on to them because having to replace them has seemed like too much work. I’m sure there are all sorts of psychological things going on too. Why throw things away that just need a little love and tlc? But I will merely put them out there as free things in hopes that they find a new home with someone who will fix them.

I had the profound realization that in order for new and good things to come into your life, sometimes that means letting go of other things.

I just have this major urge to purge (ooh, I’m a poet and don’t know it) and I will have to be strong. I hope I can find a balance between surrounding myself with things that I love and not cluttering up my space (life!) again. It comes down to my desire to lose not only physical weight but emotional and spiritual weight.

And now speaking of change…I just got a phone call that is going to change my [work life] for the better. As of tomorrow, I’m going to be working the newly formed MSP Premium [Group] Desk! It’s more money too! This is good, considering my new apartment has a higher rent! Talk about great timing!!

I needed this. I’ve been …dissatisfied with my job in some regards…that I haven’t been able to officially be the agent of choice for certain travel agents and now I will be. I’ll have to figure out a plan to help out my regulars…I have a funny feeling that I’ll be spending some of my own time working on their groups, but that’s fine with me. Some of these travel agents have been really good to me.

So here I am…upending my life in all sorts of ways. All sorts of good ways.

And one last thing about changes...did I mention in my last post that my brother went to the Philippines and got married?? Yeah. He did that. Whether or not she actually gets here is a another story. I have a sister-in-law! Wild! I'm happy for him and I hope he gets his happy ending.

Onward and upward.

Spring 2017

And here we are. So much to write but as I'm composing this on my tablet as opposed to typing on a regular keyboard, it just might be that I'll just write about the highlights.

It's funny how you can just be going along and then wham! Something comes along or happens that turns everything on its head.

Life is ...well let's just say it's keeping me from getting bored.

Today is Easter Sunday and I went to R & K's for dinner. I got my first smile from O. I so love those little boys! Everytime I spend time with them I fall more in love with them.

I am looking forward to watching them grow up and I hope that someday we'll have as much and love and friendship between us as I do with Aunt S.

She really has stepped into Moms shoes without replacing her.

They will ease any pains I might have now that I officially can't have children (I think I'm glad my mom wasn't here to see this (- ah! Maybe that's why Pop was upset)) and no more pregnancy tests before surgery!

I had a hysterectomy on 30Mar. They took out my uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes and 1 ovary. This was my preventitve action to avoid developing endometrial cancer.

My body decided to find another way to get my attention and say "hey you, take better care of yourself!!!" I've begun to believe that that is part of why my fistula won't go away. So I'm learning how to take care of it and ALL of my body better and that includes seeing a Reiki healer. But more on that in a bit.

I'm choosing to eat better -more often than not (hey, it's a process :/ )
I'm taking supplements to help my body from the inside out (they work!)

And I just read an excellent article earlier tonight that really spoke to me and had to be immortalized here at the blog.

Here are some of the more pertinent bits ...

"In my own journey, I found what worked for me had far more to do with my mindsets and attitudes towards my health rather than any specific fad or program. Like most things, weight loss is all about fundamental behaviors, and the “work” of losing weight is all about how you orient yourself toward those behaviors — i.e., they are as easy or difficult as you allow them to be.

Eat less. Move your body. Why does something so simple feel so impossible for so many people?

It feels impossible because we’re not just dealing with calories. We’re dealing with people. We’re dealing with ourselves. And understanding ourselves and why we do things is one of the hardest things for any of us to do.

I believe that for everyone who is overweight or obese and doesn’t want to be, there’s a story. There’s a story about how they got that way. Therefore, there needs to be a story for how they’re going to stop being that way.

Losing weight is as much psychological as it is physical. Counting calories and workout plans are fine, but we don’t change our behaviors without dealing with our mind and our emotions. "

☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️

So my approach is coming at it from different angles ...Eating less. Eating healthier. Taking supplements to heal me from the inside out and learning to not hate my body for all of the ways it has let me down most of my life. And that last part is part of what the Reiki healing is all about. I've had 2 sessions so far and I'm learning about letting go of things that have hurt me or are hurting me and learning that I'm not alone in my journey and it's OK to ask for help. I'm being reminded of who I've forgotten I used to be. The little girl who was bright, precocious, and energetic who grew up to be a woman who was smart, inquisitive, and active has been asleep for a few years and it's time to wake her up.

So here we are...

I have another very important reason to start valuing my life (more than I have been) and take the best care of myself that I can.

I've had hopes and dreams of being the Mrs. and I believe they will actually now come true.

Not tomorrow or next week or next month or even this year BUT someday the man I love, have loved for decades, will do a hard thing and change his life...for the better. It won't be easy but he knows that he's got an opportunity to stop living a double life and will be ready to start living a open and honest life with the woman who loves him the most and just wants to make him happy. He will have a partner who puts HIM first.

I will happily give up my single life for them. To get to be a family with the man I love and his daughter is my dream.

I'm also not afraid to admit that I'm scared too. My life will change completely and won't just be about me anymore.

And I worry about what she will think of me. I can hope that with a lot of love and patience she'll see that I love her dad as much as she does and will let me love her too.

But first, me. Healing.

Well that's enough for now. Next post - J, my big brother just may have himself a wife in the near future!!

Xo

2016

With the terrible results of the presidential election capping 2016 in the worst way possible (please please let the electoral college deny him the presidency!) and my continuing health issues (B and I have got the “in sickness” part down pat) …2016 wasn’t a bad year.

I’m so thankful for so many things…and people. I’m so thankful for the people that are in my life.

They all let me be…me. All of them. When you find someone who loves you exactly as you are, wow, what a gift.

I think that’s all I really want to say for now.

Cheers.

P.S. If you've got nothing better to do, there is a "new" post in April 2014 "Alone and Lonely" ....apparently it's been sitting in my "Drafts" all of this time! You can probably tell from the title that it was written at a low point but I'm still posting it because it is also part of my ...story and that's what this blog is at the end of the day. My story.

State of the Sam Address

Yup, another random, out of the blue post.

I would write/post more but my very good excuse is that my laptop is…well it’s sick and needs to see a Dr. It has been for at least year or so now. And typing anything other than a text or a few sentences in an email on my phone or the iPad (yes! I have one and I LOVE it…my 2016 profit sharing gift for myself) just sucks.

And I still LOVE typing. I always get a narcissistic kick from writing and posting so I’m not sure why I don’t just do it more…I’ve now broken what I’m sure is some rule about using the work computer for personal business…OK, OK, I did that a long time ago…who are we kidding? My FV2 addiction is too strong.

But that’s old news.

It occurred to me that I hadn’t really talked much here about how my life has changed in the last couple of years –especially this past year now that I’ve been working from home –outside of talking some about my “ass” issues, which continue. Yes, they do.

It’s been a year (this month in fact) since I started working at home. I totally love it. 

1. No bra! I keep searching and searching for the perfect one but it doesn’t exist, well not anymore. The one I liked had a flaw that the metal part on  the strap kept breaking off, but it was one I could stand to wear for more than a couple of hours.

2. No bus. Do I miss going out and waiting for the bus when it’s cold and rainy out? Nope. No way Jose. Non. Nyet. Flip side, I don’t experience as much of those beautiful perfect sunny days either but I can always get my lazy ass outside more can’t I on those kind of days? And I should! Yes, I should.

3. I can listen to music while I work. I LOVE that. And so far, it’s just been the stuff that’s on my iPod! I’ve got a lot of damn good shit. Thanks to Pandora I’m also getting to learn about new artists I love. Recent find…Small Black. 

4. I actually have an easier time actually “getting to work”. Not easy. It’s still hard to get out of bed some days. But knowing all I have to do is make my way to the living room is a relief.

5. I’d like to think I’m eating better and/or way less but ever since I started getting groceries delivered from Lund’s/Byerly’s well I’m not so sure about that…but I’m certainly spending less money doing that vs, treatingmyself to a meal delivered by Bite Squad. I could probably write a whole separate post on how much I LOVE delivery. I don’t think there is anything I can’t have delivered.

Well, those are some of the top reasons…and working at home has become the perfect solution for the homebody I’ve become over the last …decade.

I miss some of my co-workers and feeling a part of things but not enough to go back.  While I was a hard worker when in the office, I’m even more so at home without any distractions. I have unfortunately/fortunately found myself working outside of work. I love working emails and servicing the contracts so much I do it w/out getting paid for it!

I did a really good job in scheduling and having social interactions the first 6 months…the last 6, not so much. Not necessarily because of my lack of desire but because the people I socialize with have lives and their own shit going on.

Is it enough to know you’ve got people… out there? 

That reminds me…I had a terribly depressing but realization the other day. If I were die in my sleep or …well, just here at home…how long would it be until I was found? I’d like to think that if at least B didn’t hear from me, he’d come over to see what was up. Not that it would be great that he find my dead body but…I think I need to get a set of keys for my brother…or Pop.  Shit, not them either. Hmmm, not R/K, not E. Shit, there’s no one else I can think of…Oh! My upstairs neighbor! M. He’s a nice guy but he won’t be permanently affected by finding my dead body. 

And now that I’m thinking about this again, it inspires me to …get rid of some of my stuff…I have too much!!! But it’s making me think that I had better make up some kind of will or something…but maybe later. I just hate the thought of leaving everything behind for someone else to deal with. 

I’ll have to type up an account/password list too…

So much to do…I also desperately need to get to the Dentist and get my eyes checked and get new glasses. Why am I dragging my feet? Because they’re both going to cost money. 

Here’s a weird…obsession I have right now is thinking about how since I don’t go out very much (aka get dressed) why do I have all of these clothes and jewelry and bags and shoes (well, I don’t really have a lot of shoes with my Fred Flintstone feet) …they just sit in my closet and in my dresser drawers and collect dust on my dresser …It’s like I’m so into “living in the now” that it doesn’t occur to me that I might need those things later…that life could change (because it bloody well does whether or not we want it to!) and I could go back to working in the office. 

…Speaking of jewelry…I posted on FB about wanting creative ideas for what to do with mom’s earrings. 

Mom. We’ll get to THAT in a bit…maybe.

My ears have become so sensitive over the last couple of years and none of my earrings, mine or hers, can be worn without problem the next day. And I LOVE earrings. I have some cool ones. My mom had some cool ones. (Some cool ones I gave her decades ago that she still had…ok, ok, pull it together…)

So we’ll see my artist/creative type FB friends come up with. So far, shadow box w/glass and collage. The latter I definitely need to hear more about. I just got another suggestion about gluing them to a jewelry box or a picture frame. I could actually do the latter myself. But I’ll still take pictures for J and hear her idea for the collage.

Well…time for a coffee and cigarette break. Yeah, I started smoking ago, about a year ago. Still just a pack a week. I know people aren’t happy about it but I quit for a year and maybe I’ll do it again but for right now…it’s my way to enjoy siting outside. I should look into finding something else…

OK, I’m back. Food in belly. Now just waiting for my brother to show up. He’s been coming over and helping me out around my apartment, cleaning and such. And doing my laundry! I’m perfectly capable of doing that stuff myself but I’ve been compensating him and so it’s worked out to be a beneficially mutual arrangement.

It also gives a reason to hang out. He’s got a girlfriend in the Philippines that he’s never met. With a sister working for an airline, he’ll eventually get over there to meet her. He’s trying to get his shit together. Physically and emotionally both. I've found that I actually do like hanging out with him. 

*sigh*

Next weekend is Eli’s 3rd birthday…and I’ll have to be sure to equally give attention to him and to new baby Owen. New baby Owen….another little boy I’ve fallen head over heels for. I won’t lie, I was really disappointed about another boy but it all just doesn’t matter in the end. I love that Eli is at that age where he does recognize me and he’s happy to see me. My heart expands just thinking about those little boys. 

Do I regret not having any children of my own? No. The only child I would have ever wanted is with B but that ship has sailed, in more ways than one.

B. Ah, B. Ups and downs as usual. We survived the Birthday disaster of 2016…barely. But goddamn if I just can’t stop loving that man. His love for me is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, nor will experience again. I’ve had to speak up and say that I’m not staying in this relationship without there being a future for us. We will be together as full partners someday. I’d like to think that includes marriage but living together, loving together in the same house is just fine too. He keeps telling me how great I am and that I deserve the best and to me, he’s the best and really gets me. I just don’t want to end up being one of those women who falls for the line (not that he’s ever given me the line) but ends up alone at the end. 

It’s crazy how little interest I have in anyone else. It’s a complete 180 from how I felt a couple of years ago when G popped into the picture and SD was still orbiting my universe. I was still interested in being able to do whatever I wanted with whomever but now, the thought of being with anyone else is just a major turn-off. (Now, if I do happen to see SD again, I’ll be curious to see if he still gets to me like he has in the past but as he’s still in PDX, that won’t be happening anytime soon. Side note - he did acknowledge in a recent message that he was wrong to not appreciate me while he “had” me. It was nice to hear. And I can so hear B saying right now as I type that “everyone wants the X”.  I wish he’d stop saying that. The only one I want to want me is him.)

So…next month. 2 years. 2 long hard years. The deep grief strikes at the oddest moments. I wrote this about a month ago. I call it a poem (though Pop disagrees with my calling it a poem! But I’ll cut him some slack, he’s still grieving too…we all are…)

Grief 

Never goes away

Always there, hovering around me like a bee 

Waiting to sting me 

Even though I'm trying so hard

To stay still so it will pass on by 

And then WHAM

not a sting

I've been hit by a truck

And I'm flat on the floor 

Crying and feeling the deepest sorrow 

I have ever known.

Is it so wrong of me to think that that’s damn good? I wrote it like in 3 minutes, ok, maybe 5. But still. It definitely perfectly describes how I was feeling in that moment…and still feel at times. I sent it to Pop and he was nice enough to come by that next day for a visit. He brought lunch and we chatted. Didn’t talk about mom so much and that was actually a good thing. I’m overdue for a “date” with him but he’s now so busy w/a new job and pioneering. I want to buy us tickets for the ballet but money is a little tight. I’m keeping on top of bills the best I can but a couple of weeks off work really screwed me. This living paycheck to paycheck has got to stop!  

Fuck it. I just bought us tickets. So I won’t have as much spare cash until next payday but I have plenty of food and the major bills are paid. I just need money for my transpo back and forth to Eli’s party. Though I think I’ve talked my brother into playing chauffeur for gas money and that’s doable, so that’s covered. 

Ah, money. I’d be further ahead if I didn’t have medical bills. I’m chipping away at them but it’s slow going. I really need to get my ass in gear and use the FSA money I set aside for this year. 

And now Jason is here…brought his cat, who I might end up letting stay here for a bit …after next weekend anyway…The R/K/E are all allergic to cats…E too but at least E willing to take a pill and I usually go over to their house …but I don’t know if I’m ready for a full-time commitment but we’ll see how I feel next week …and after he’s been here a while. I have recently thought about getting a cat again…but when I did the little bit of looking …none of them…appealed to me and then I had the thought that I wanted a cat that looked like Louis.

Well that's enough for now I think.

Onward and upward.

Well sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

My mind is all over the place and there are so many things I want to write about but I don’t know where to begin.

I know it’s been awhile…again. I really love writing but sometimes it’s just too much…work…I tend to spend quite a bit of time re-reading and editing after I’ve written the initial post.

So here we are. July 1, 2016. I took an hour of PTO today because I just couldn’t stand working one more hour. I had a bad attitude today because I’m stressing out about fucking CHT…that’s call handle time for you not in the call center biz. 

Fucking CALL HANDLE TIME. Fucking CALL HANDLE TIME.
FUCKING CALL HANDLE TIME!!!!

Have I mentioned how much I hate worrying about FUCKING call handle time.

I had one of my call reviews yesterday and of course I’m getting “coaching” about it since it’s not falling under the preferred (required) guidelines.

FUCK THAT SHIT.

That is what would drive me away from the job. 

I need a job where I truly can give service and personalized attention to the customer and there is no fucking CHT to worry about.

Let’s put that in the scary column…and scary is another one of the things I wanted to write about…

Facing fears…

1. Do I really truly want to look for another job? Can I find a job w/in DL…one that puts up with as much w/my attendance (medical) issues as my current job? I like the money I make and I love the benefits and I don’t want to give those up (of course!)

2. I told B the other night that I realize I’m not ready to be a wife and stepmother at this particular time …and not that I wouldn’t welcome an opportunity to just dive in but I know myself and fucking A’ I’m selfish. I like, genuinely like, my life and having the freedom that I do. Am I happy that I feel that way? Not necessarily. I really do need to believe that it’s OK that I don’t have a traditional relationship. They surround me EVERYWHERE but it’s just not what I’ve got. Is it wrong of to me say that I LOVE what I have with B. I think N hit the nail right on the head when she recently lamented about the lack of private time w/BS now that they’re officially a couple to the world and the kids are involved. I’m so happy that when B and I are together, we’re together, focusing on each other, just on each other. Now I just need to work on dealing with my jealousy over the time he spends with everyone else!!! 

3. I’m back to obsessing over food and my weight. I’m half pissed off because it’s not like I binge all the time and I’m half scared to admit that I may really honestly have a problem that I should be seeking professional help for…

In re: #3 I’m going to try something out…I recently subscribed to a newsletter from a woman who is a recovering food addict and she put out a workbook: “The Optimistic Food Addict’s Recovery Journal & Activity Workbook” and I’m going to spend some time this [long] weekend with it.

Let’s see what does for me. I know sometimes you just have to DO and not think so much about the doing but I want to look at it from this angle and see where that gets me. I just want to make better choices, have more self-control and fucking lose some, just some of this fucking weight. I need to because it’s not helping with this ass business.

Yes, ass business. It’s not over yet. I really thought it was after that surgery in January. But nope...the fistula just refused to close up. Fucking A. I had another surgery to put another seton in last month and I have to have it in for at least 6 months. Fuck. (Secret fear: I like the drama and like that it gives me an excuse to not do some things. Is that really terrible of me?)

****

I still look around and look at my life and know I’m lucky in lots of ways so it’s not all bad.

I’m thankful for so many things. 

Random observation…In the past I tend to let my friends I’m thinking about them (and love them) around MY birthday and it’s probably totally self-serving. 

This year…there are a few people I’ve been thinking about…good friends and I’m not reaching out to them. B would encourage me to reach out so I …should. He usually has good advice that I regret not taking. 

OK, well, I think this is enough for now. 

Until next time…

Well, THIS is gonna happen

Happy Spring 2016

Spent the afternoon hanging out with Nicole, preparing her stuff for her to get a passport.

We're going to Amsterdam next month.

We've got the flights...the hotels...and now she just needs to get her passport. I pray she gets it done and done right. I need to have faith that she will. She is a mother and has to take care of shit for her kids all the time. Why do I worry? Because I know how much stuff she has going on and how things have been for her financially.

A New Beginning

Valentines Day 2016 is right around the corner and I'm feeling a lot of love at this moment in time.

I've got so so much to be thankful...so many people to be thankful for. Specifically right now B and E.

That feeling when the heart is so full of love for the people you care about....

Life is GOOD but I feel guilty about that sometimes. I want to find ways to make other people as happy as I am.

...but first, slowly getting "physical" ...I need to find ways to move my body more now that I work at home.

I had surgery on the 15th and I'm optimistic that it was the last of the ones related to my ass. Fucking A. Ass problems. What the fuck. Appointment w/surgeon on Monday. Follow-up. Need to ask advice about how to avoid this in the future. And ask about swimming as my form of exercise...when can I start? I think I'll do it...I'll actually set aside money for Y membership and more importantly...GO! (Self compromise, I'll wait until it's a little less bloody cold out!...It IS only February 5th.)

(Now I just need to get a handle on my appetite....I want to eat EVERYTHING :/ )