State of the Sam Address

Yup, another random, out of the blue post.

I would write/post more but my very good excuse is that my laptop is…well it’s sick and needs to see a Dr. It has been for at least year or so now. And typing anything other than a text or a few sentences in an email on my phone or the iPad (yes! I have one and I LOVE it…my 2016 profit sharing gift for myself) just sucks.

And I still LOVE typing. I always get a narcissistic kick from writing and posting so I’m not sure why I don’t just do it more…I’ve now broken what I’m sure is some rule about using the work computer for personal business…OK, OK, I did that a long time ago…who are we kidding? My FV2 addiction is too strong.

But that’s old news.

It occurred to me that I hadn’t really talked much here about how my life has changed in the last couple of years –especially this past year now that I’ve been working from home –outside of talking some about my “ass” issues, which continue. Yes, they do.

It’s been a year (this month in fact) since I started working at home. I totally love it. 

1. No bra! I keep searching and searching for the perfect one but it doesn’t exist, well not anymore. The one I liked had a flaw that the metal part on  the strap kept breaking off, but it was one I could stand to wear for more than a couple of hours.

2. No bus. Do I miss going out and waiting for the bus when it’s cold and rainy out? Nope. No way Jose. Non. Nyet. Flip side, I don’t experience as much of those beautiful perfect sunny days either but I can always get my lazy ass outside more can’t I on those kind of days? And I should! Yes, I should.

3. I can listen to music while I work. I LOVE that. And so far, it’s just been the stuff that’s on my iPod! I’ve got a lot of damn good shit. Thanks to Pandora I’m also getting to learn about new artists I love. Recent find…Small Black. 

4. I actually have an easier time actually “getting to work”. Not easy. It’s still hard to get out of bed some days. But knowing all I have to do is make my way to the living room is a relief.

5. I’d like to think I’m eating better and/or way less but ever since I started getting groceries delivered from Lund’s/Byerly’s well I’m not so sure about that…but I’m certainly spending less money doing that vs, treatingmyself to a meal delivered by Bite Squad. I could probably write a whole separate post on how much I LOVE delivery. I don’t think there is anything I can’t have delivered.

Well, those are some of the top reasons…and working at home has become the perfect solution for the homebody I’ve become over the last …decade.

I miss some of my co-workers and feeling a part of things but not enough to go back.  While I was a hard worker when in the office, I’m even more so at home without any distractions. I have unfortunately/fortunately found myself working outside of work. I love working emails and servicing the contracts so much I do it w/out getting paid for it!

I did a really good job in scheduling and having social interactions the first 6 months…the last 6, not so much. Not necessarily because of my lack of desire but because the people I socialize with have lives and their own shit going on.

Is it enough to know you’ve got people… out there? 

That reminds me…I had a terribly depressing but realization the other day. If I were die in my sleep or …well, just here at home…how long would it be until I was found? I’d like to think that if at least B didn’t hear from me, he’d come over to see what was up. Not that it would be great that he find my dead body but…I think I need to get a set of keys for my brother…or Pop.  Shit, not them either. Hmmm, not R/K, not E. Shit, there’s no one else I can think of…Oh! My upstairs neighbor! M. He’s a nice guy but he won’t be permanently affected by finding my dead body. 

And now that I’m thinking about this again, it inspires me to …get rid of some of my stuff…I have too much!!! But it’s making me think that I had better make up some kind of will or something…but maybe later. I just hate the thought of leaving everything behind for someone else to deal with. 

I’ll have to type up an account/password list too…

So much to do…I also desperately need to get to the Dentist and get my eyes checked and get new glasses. Why am I dragging my feet? Because they’re both going to cost money. 

Here’s a weird…obsession I have right now is thinking about how since I don’t go out very much (aka get dressed) why do I have all of these clothes and jewelry and bags and shoes (well, I don’t really have a lot of shoes with my Fred Flintstone feet) …they just sit in my closet and in my dresser drawers and collect dust on my dresser …It’s like I’m so into “living in the now” that it doesn’t occur to me that I might need those things later…that life could change (because it bloody well does whether or not we want it to!) and I could go back to working in the office. 

…Speaking of jewelry…I posted on FB about wanting creative ideas for what to do with mom’s earrings. 

Mom. We’ll get to THAT in a bit…maybe.

My ears have become so sensitive over the last couple of years and none of my earrings, mine or hers, can be worn without problem the next day. And I LOVE earrings. I have some cool ones. My mom had some cool ones. (Some cool ones I gave her decades ago that she still had…ok, ok, pull it together…)

So we’ll see my artist/creative type FB friends come up with. So far, shadow box w/glass and collage. The latter I definitely need to hear more about. I just got another suggestion about gluing them to a jewelry box or a picture frame. I could actually do the latter myself. But I’ll still take pictures for J and hear her idea for the collage.

Well…time for a coffee and cigarette break. Yeah, I started smoking ago, about a year ago. Still just a pack a week. I know people aren’t happy about it but I quit for a year and maybe I’ll do it again but for right now…it’s my way to enjoy siting outside. I should look into finding something else…

OK, I’m back. Food in belly. Now just waiting for my brother to show up. He’s been coming over and helping me out around my apartment, cleaning and such. And doing my laundry! I’m perfectly capable of doing that stuff myself but I’ve been compensating him and so it’s worked out to be a beneficially mutual arrangement.

It also gives a reason to hang out. He’s got a girlfriend in the Philippines that he’s never met. With a sister working for an airline, he’ll eventually get over there to meet her. He’s trying to get his shit together. Physically and emotionally both. I've found that I actually do like hanging out with him. 

*sigh*

Next weekend is Eli’s 3rd birthday…and I’ll have to be sure to equally give attention to him and to new baby Owen. New baby Owen….another little boy I’ve fallen head over heels for. I won’t lie, I was really disappointed about another boy but it all just doesn’t matter in the end. I love that Eli is at that age where he does recognize me and he’s happy to see me. My heart expands just thinking about those little boys. 

Do I regret not having any children of my own? No. The only child I would have ever wanted is with B but that ship has sailed, in more ways than one.

B. Ah, B. Ups and downs as usual. We survived the Birthday disaster of 2016…barely. But goddamn if I just can’t stop loving that man. His love for me is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, nor will experience again. I’ve had to speak up and say that I’m not staying in this relationship without there being a future for us. We will be together as full partners someday. I’d like to think that includes marriage but living together, loving together in the same house is just fine too. He keeps telling me how great I am and that I deserve the best and to me, he’s the best and really gets me. I just don’t want to end up being one of those women who falls for the line (not that he’s ever given me the line) but ends up alone at the end. 

It’s crazy how little interest I have in anyone else. It’s a complete 180 from how I felt a couple of years ago when G popped into the picture and SD was still orbiting my universe. I was still interested in being able to do whatever I wanted with whomever but now, the thought of being with anyone else is just a major turn-off. (Now, if I do happen to see SD again, I’ll be curious to see if he still gets to me like he has in the past but as he’s still in PDX, that won’t be happening anytime soon. Side note - he did acknowledge in a recent message that he was wrong to not appreciate me while he “had” me. It was nice to hear. And I can so hear B saying right now as I type that “everyone wants the X”.  I wish he’d stop saying that. The only one I want to want me is him.)

So…next month. 2 years. 2 long hard years. The deep grief strikes at the oddest moments. I wrote this about a month ago. I call it a poem (though Pop disagrees with my calling it a poem! But I’ll cut him some slack, he’s still grieving too…we all are…)

Grief 

Never goes away

Always there, hovering around me like a bee 

Waiting to sting me 

Even though I'm trying so hard

To stay still so it will pass on by 

And then WHAM

not a sting

I've been hit by a truck

And I'm flat on the floor 

Crying and feeling the deepest sorrow 

I have ever known.

Is it so wrong of me to think that that’s damn good? I wrote it like in 3 minutes, ok, maybe 5. But still. It definitely perfectly describes how I was feeling in that moment…and still feel at times. I sent it to Pop and he was nice enough to come by that next day for a visit. He brought lunch and we chatted. Didn’t talk about mom so much and that was actually a good thing. I’m overdue for a “date” with him but he’s now so busy w/a new job and pioneering. I want to buy us tickets for the ballet but money is a little tight. I’m keeping on top of bills the best I can but a couple of weeks off work really screwed me. This living paycheck to paycheck has got to stop!  

Fuck it. I just bought us tickets. So I won’t have as much spare cash until next payday but I have plenty of food and the major bills are paid. I just need money for my transpo back and forth to Eli’s party. Though I think I’ve talked my brother into playing chauffeur for gas money and that’s doable, so that’s covered. 

Ah, money. I’d be further ahead if I didn’t have medical bills. I’m chipping away at them but it’s slow going. I really need to get my ass in gear and use the FSA money I set aside for this year. 

And now Jason is here…brought his cat, who I might end up letting stay here for a bit …after next weekend anyway…The R/K/E are all allergic to cats…E too but at least E willing to take a pill and I usually go over to their house …but I don’t know if I’m ready for a full-time commitment but we’ll see how I feel next week …and after he’s been here a while. I have recently thought about getting a cat again…but when I did the little bit of looking …none of them…appealed to me and then I had the thought that I wanted a cat that looked like Louis.

Well that's enough for now I think.

Onward and upward.

Well sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

My mind is all over the place and there are so many things I want to write about but I don’t know where to begin.

I know it’s been awhile…again. I really love writing but sometimes it’s just too much…work…I tend to spend quite a bit of time re-reading and editing after I’ve written the initial post.

So here we are. July 1, 2016. I took an hour of PTO today because I just couldn’t stand working one more hour. I had a bad attitude today because I’m stressing out about fucking CHT…that’s call handle time for you not in the call center biz. 

Fucking CALL HANDLE TIME. Fucking CALL HANDLE TIME.
FUCKING CALL HANDLE TIME!!!!

Have I mentioned how much I hate worrying about FUCKING call handle time.

I had one of my call reviews yesterday and of course I’m getting “coaching” about it since it’s not falling under the preferred (required) guidelines.

FUCK THAT SHIT.

That is what would drive me away from the job. 

I need a job where I truly can give service and personalized attention to the customer and there is no fucking CHT to worry about.

Let’s put that in the scary column…and scary is another one of the things I wanted to write about…

Facing fears…

1. Do I really truly want to look for another job? Can I find a job w/in DL…one that puts up with as much w/my attendance (medical) issues as my current job? I like the money I make and I love the benefits and I don’t want to give those up (of course!)

2. I told B the other night that I realize I’m not ready to be a wife and stepmother at this particular time …and not that I wouldn’t welcome an opportunity to just dive in but I know myself and fucking A’ I’m selfish. I like, genuinely like, my life and having the freedom that I do. Am I happy that I feel that way? Not necessarily. I really do need to believe that it’s OK that I don’t have a traditional relationship. They surround me EVERYWHERE but it’s just not what I’ve got. Is it wrong of to me say that I LOVE what I have with B. I think N hit the nail right on the head when she recently lamented about the lack of private time w/BS now that they’re officially a couple to the world and the kids are involved. I’m so happy that when B and I are together, we’re together, focusing on each other, just on each other. Now I just need to work on dealing with my jealousy over the time he spends with everyone else!!! 

3. I’m back to obsessing over food and my weight. I’m half pissed off because it’s not like I binge all the time and I’m half scared to admit that I may really honestly have a problem that I should be seeking professional help for…

In re: #3 I’m going to try something out…I recently subscribed to a newsletter from a woman who is a recovering food addict and she put out a workbook: “The Optimistic Food Addict’s Recovery Journal & Activity Workbook” and I’m going to spend some time this [long] weekend with it.

Let’s see what does for me. I know sometimes you just have to DO and not think so much about the doing but I want to look at it from this angle and see where that gets me. I just want to make better choices, have more self-control and fucking lose some, just some of this fucking weight. I need to because it’s not helping with this ass business.

Yes, ass business. It’s not over yet. I really thought it was after that surgery in January. But nope...the fistula just refused to close up. Fucking A. I had another surgery to put another seton in last month and I have to have it in for at least 6 months. Fuck. (Secret fear: I like the drama and like that it gives me an excuse to not do some things. Is that really terrible of me?)

****

I still look around and look at my life and know I’m lucky in lots of ways so it’s not all bad.

I’m thankful for so many things. 

Random observation…In the past I tend to let my friends I’m thinking about them (and love them) around MY birthday and it’s probably totally self-serving. 

This year…there are a few people I’ve been thinking about…good friends and I’m not reaching out to them. B would encourage me to reach out so I …should. He usually has good advice that I regret not taking. 

OK, well, I think this is enough for now. 

Until next time…

Well, THIS is gonna happen

Happy Spring 2016

Spent the afternoon hanging out with Nicole, preparing her stuff for her to get a passport.

We're going to Amsterdam next month.

We've got the flights...the hotels...and now she just needs to get her passport. I pray she gets it done and done right. I need to have faith that she will. She is a mother and has to take care of shit for her kids all the time. Why do I worry? Because I know how much stuff she has going on and how things have been for her financially.

A New Beginning

Valentines Day 2016 is right around the corner and I'm feeling a lot of love at this moment in time.

I've got so so much to be thankful...so many people to be thankful for. Specifically right now B and E.

That feeling when the heart is so full of love for the people you care about....

Life is GOOD but I feel guilty about that sometimes. I want to find ways to make other people as happy as I am.

...but first, slowly getting "physical" ...I need to find ways to move my body more now that I work at home.

I had surgery on the 15th and I'm optimistic that it was the last of the ones related to my ass. Fucking A. Ass problems. What the fuck. Appointment w/surgeon on Monday. Follow-up. Need to ask advice about how to avoid this in the future. And ask about swimming as my form of exercise...when can I start? I think I'll do it...I'll actually set aside money for Y membership and more importantly...GO! (Self compromise, I'll wait until it's a little less bloody cold out!...It IS only February 5th.)

(Now I just need to get a handle on my appetite....I want to eat EVERYTHING :/ )

Kicking off with a bang.

Today Clean, Tomorrow Lean

"If the thought of taking a big step (like losing 20 pounds) feels overwhelming, try making a small change in an unrelated area. Spending a few minutes each day cleaning out your junk drawer or organizing crushing paperwork, for example, can help you feel successful—and provide you with the motivating energy to subsequently tackle the more difficult task."

—Claire M. Stuckey, Plymouth, Minnesota

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/health/The-Best-Advice-from-Health-Coaches#ixzz3wnFSO32g

ooh, like this...

http://www.ahealthysliceoflife.com/keeping-eating-healthy-fun-with-one-simple-tip/

and this...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-solomon/5-tips-to-a-healthy-you-f_b_6294900.html

"There's too much of a separation between thinking 'I want to be healthy' and 'I am healthy,'" Robyn told me. "Those who are on a path to being true to who they are and what their style is need to make drinking extra water or exercising almost every day or eating extra veggies as immediate and frequent as responding to emails or texting so these healthy habits become a natural part of who they are."

---

Am I obsessed with health ..again? Yup. I weighed less than I thought I would ...I saw my Dr. yesterday for a pre-op physical. Surgery next Friday. Hopefully the last to deal with the fistula (the last of any kind EVER please.)

I got excited at the lower number. It felt good to know things I've been doing...work. I want the number to get even lower.

But...I need support so I've been doing some searching about Health Coaches. In a way, that's what my Dr. was yesterday. We briefly talked about the weight and it's all connected to how I feel ...and I don't think I really have been connecting the two...that's like a total "duh!"

I'm doing OK in some areas, but need to improve in others.

I need to drink more fluids and keep eating better foods. And it's all related to making me feel better and avoid certain problems. Like totally duh! You are what you eat.

This one has some good (realistic/doable) advice;

http://www.livebeaming.com/2014/02/7-tips-to-make-healthy-habits-stick-from-a-nyc-health-coach/

....the thing that I'm ...loving... is that I'm already doing some of the stuff these articles have been talking about... Yay!!!

Another search I did...

http://www.callcentrehelper.com/49-tips-for-reducing-average-handling-time-aht-38157.htm

I have GOT to get a handle on the calls for work.

Not just that, but make sure I follow ALL of the fucking rules, even if they don't apply to my job. :(

I'm going out for surgery again next week and I should use my time off to think about how to deal with the calls better. I'm already VERY good at my job but I could improve in areas.

I just sent an email to my manager and 2 leads I work with most...mine and J with a link to this article...

http://www.callcentrehelper.com/49-tips-for-reducing-average-handling-time-aht-38157.htm

I think it's good thing to let them know I do care and am looking for ways to improve. I can be a total bitch when I get any kind of feedback that's less than ...100%.

Just stumbled across this article...ooh, like this...

http://blog.intradiem.com/holistic-approach-to-aht-improvement/

"Educate agents on AHT. During initial training, teach agents on what AHT is, how it is used in planning and scheduling, and how keeping it in check helps not only keep costs down but also improve the customer – and the agent – experience. Make sure agents understand that the AHT objectives for the various call types they handle are more of a range than a “hit this number or else” goal. And clearly explain that AHT reduction is ultimately the responsibility of managers and supervisors – not agents. After all, it’s up to the former to ensure that agents are properly prepared to handle calls efficiently and effectively, and that the center’s systems and processes don’t hinder agent’s ability to do so.

Once agents realize that AHT isn’t intended to handcuff them, they can relax and focus on delivering the best customer experience possible on every call. This results in fewer errors and fewer callbacks from frustrated callers – things that can drive center-wide AHT way up."

---

Well I think that's enough to start with. Life is going to get even better.

Christmas Day 2015

Merry Christmas to me.

I've got so so many things to be thankful for, so many people to be thankful for.

B, R/K/E, N, EB...the list goes on.

And while the job drives me insane sometimes...it's a good paying job and I get to work at home.

Yeah, I'm working from home. Did I ever mention that? Probably not. Haven't exactly been doing a lot of writing this past year.

I think that will be different in the year ahead...once I get past the next surgery, which hopefully will really be the last one this time.

In spite of the issues with me ass and living in a motherless world, I've got a really good life and I'll just leave it at that for the moment.

Let's Give This a Try Then ...and then Paris

Facebook link:

https://www.powerofpositivity.com/birth-month-zodiac-signs/

While you have probably heard that zodiac signs can reveal a lot about a person’s personality and characteristics, did you know that the month you were born can also tell many things about you? 
Your birth month can offer insight into your overall demeanor, how other people see you, and your thoughts and feelings toward life in general. These descriptions originate from the study of astrology, basing the character traits on the alignment and placement of the stars during your birth month.

Read on to see what your birth month reveals about you:

January

People born in January have a very strong work ethic, and will not hesitate to voice their opinions. They have a headstrong, stubborn attitude, and don’t take well to people telling them what to do. They make very good leaders because of their persistence and drive to succeed, but sometimes don’t listen to others very well. You have a natural ability to teach other people, and they listen to you with ease and willingness to learn.

 

February

If you were born in February, you probably have a strong creative streak, and enjoy working on new projects. You love getting into intellectual discussions, and don’t like to converse with others who seem shallow. You have been called a free spirit once or twice in your life before, and don’t like to live within the confines of society’s rigid rules. You love travel, and hop on a plane or train every chance you get. Adventure and exploring the world around you get you excited and make you feel alive, so you do best in the company of other free spirits and dreamers. You are a very loyal, honest friend and partner, as well.

 

March

People born in March are also highly creative and imaginative, but they tend to be more introspective and quiet. They live inside their own heads a lot, creating masterpieces within their minds. They turn to the arts for expressing themselves, and enjoy their quiet time alone. You have a kind, gentle demeanor with other people, but tend to hide most aspects of yourself from others. You crave peaceful, serene environments, and stray away from noisy, crowded places most of the time.

 

April

Those born in April crave attention and love every second they can spend in the spotlight. They don’t take orders well, instead preferring to do things their way and lead others. April babies seek new adventures, and constantly are on the prowl for an adrenaline rush. They act first and think later, living life day to day, seeing where it takes them. They are sometimes known to be loud and obnoxious, but they speak their minds and have no problem telling other people how they feel.

 

May

People born in the month of May tend to be very fickle, wanting one thing yesterday, and something totally different today. They express themselves well, and love talking to people from all walks of life. They have an active social life, and don’t like to spend a lot of time alone. May babies also love a stimulating, intelligent conversation, but need almost an equal amount of fun and excitement. They get bored easily, and constantly look for new ways to entertain themselves.

 

June

If you were born in June, you are very sensitive and caring toward other people’s feelings. You can be shy and soft-spoken, but people really admire that about you. You have a creative spirit, and think far into the future about what you can create and how you can bring your ideas into the world. Though you don’t always express how you feel, you have a whole world living inside you, and you just want to figure out how to bring it to life.

 

July

People born in July have many of the same traits as those born in June, except that they are a bit more spontaneous and extroverted. They live for adventures, and just want to have a good time. Outwardly, they appear confident and cheerful, but inside, they harbor a lot of dark secrets, and hide their pain well from others. People born in July have lots of energy, and people love to hang out with them because of this.

 

August

August babies are natural born leaders, not afraid to stand on their own with their opinions. They can be bossy and opinionated, but underneath all that, they have big hearts. August babies can think too much, however, and get locked inside their rigid, methodical approach to life if they aren’t careful. People born in August do well in careers that involve critical thinking and analysis, because they see life in a logical, step-by-step way. They don’t express their emotions well, however, so seeing the more “human” side of them can seem difficult at times.

 

September

People born in September have high expectations of others, so they get disappointed easily. They have a mean stubborn streak, and hold grudges if you get on their bad side. They are perfectionists, holding themselves and others to high ideals. They also are sensual, creative, kind people, always wanting to help others when they can.

 

October

People born in October crave balance and stability in everything they do, and have a positive outlook on life. You don’t like confrontation, and avoid it whenever possible. You also have an active social life, and love your friends to death. You’re charming and talkative, and though you love being around people, you’re fiercely independent as well.

 

November

People born in November are very secretive, and often hide their true feelings from others. They don’t like others telling them what to do, and tend to carve their own path in life. They don’t have too many fears, and will jump into a situation headfirst, no matter the consequences. They don’t let anything in life stop them, and have a headstrong, passionate approach to life.

 

December

December babies are very adventurous, generous people. However, they can let their pride get in the way sometimes, and have a short fuse with people. They always like to be on-the-go, and can’t stand to sit still too long. They are feisty, entertaining people, and their free-spirited attitude perfectly balances their more uptight side.

****

So I read some of the other months with people I know in mind and either this is bullshit -though mine was mostly spot on (LOL)  -this time around June and I had little in common -or I don't know those people very well at all. (Dear reader...what do you say?)

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

So I'm going to try doing a new thing with the blog ...I'm going to just post links to things I like use that to inspire me to dive back into this.

I've gotten off to a slow start but I suppose that's better than not starting at all. I have this theory that the more I "talk" here, the less I might be talking on the phone with my customers. But I really really enjoy talking to some of the these people. Today, had a call that was starting to piss me off and then the next call...I wanted to be grumpy but I had somebody patient and funny who played along with me and by the time I was laughing and out of that mood.

Oh shit....google search:

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=becoming+friends+with+your+customers

led me this to...ouch.

Wake up: your customer does not want to be your friend

http://www.i-scoop.eu/wake-customer-want-friend/

Well, OK, I guess that's something to think about isn't it?

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

So here is the other reason I'm here....

(OMG I just taught myself how to get that picture to show up here!)

One of the words is Rückkehrunruhe

http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/51842345516/r%C3%BCckkehrunruhe

and it occurs to me that I need to talk about Paris before I forget.

✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈

Planning ....did an awful lot of google searches kept me from focusing on WHY I was going to take this trip in the first place...for her. I made it about me. Either way I think I would have been happy.

Tragedy IN Paris happens day before I'm to arrive. Only find out while waiting at gate for my seat assignment (we're not going to talk anymore about the one "One Great Team" pass fiasco) but off we go anyway.

Flight delayed but eventually we make it. My driver is Stephane ...yummy (and yummy smelling) french man. (Married!) ...we drive around to the main attractions. Police ...and soldiers, with guns around. (Do I even recall a time when I've seen military folks with weapons in real life? Nope.) ...

The hotel - Chat Noir Design Hotel -awesome. Best fucking pillows. If I'd had room in my backpack I might have tried to smuggle one out. And the bathtub. I, big big girl that I am got to soak in a tub for the first time in years. And that fucking tart du pomme.

Feeling bad that I didn't get to a chocolatier or flea market or sit at a cafe and have a croque madame or steak frites. Instead I had a ham and cheese sandwich from a cafe window and a chicken cordon blue on flatbread sandwich...and Orangina.

OK, ok, what this should say to me is...duh, you can go back and do those things. I should go back and do those things.

The river cruise was ....amaaaaaaaazing. I love taking fucking river rides/cruises. Go back there (and Amsterdam!) just for those!!!!

Better fucking shoes. Jesus. And I had to take the fucking wheelchair off the plane on the way home. I'm so ashamed. Physically this was fucking awful.

And my mother would have been so loved the tub and been sympathetic and loving about the shoes issue and she would have understood about the wheelchair. With her scooter she wasn't afraid to live fucking life and do her thing. But I don't have the disability and so I have no excuse for not taking better care of myself.

I think I have more to say about it but ...I'll pause for now.

☮☮☮☮☮☮☮

I thought I wanted to write about other current events but I really don't feel like it right this minute. So real pause and I'll just post this fucker the way it is.