so THAT happened (and it might be TMI but I have to document this experiece.)

Had a fucking awesome birthday (even though B fucked up this year.)

Then it all went to shit.

Day after birthday - Saturday...it started to be really uncomfortable when sitting down.

Sunday...getting worse.

Monday - B took me to Dr...[external] yeast infection? On my butt? WTF? OK,  Yay...NOT. Then he took me to the pharmacy (Fine, I'll take the damn pill and use the creams) and back home. (Made up for not having anything waiting for me from B when I got home on my birthday??? Mostly.)

Tuesday - still fucking miserable and then more fun started...I couldn't goddamn pee without...straining is the best word I have for it.

Wednesday - back to Dr. office. J took me (best big brother ever, again.) and hello red ass. Different Dr. (Not resident, real Dr.) says...whoa! Fever over a 102 and area really hard and red. She sent me to hospital.

Hospital

Nurses ...PCA's ...most are angels. The experience is ...humbling. I had to set aside pride BIG time. The word dignity was thought of a lot during this whole hospital experience.

...later that night...Ultrasound. Yes, pretty sure...abscess.

Thursday - Surgery. On my ass. Surreal experience...being "put under" and then waking up and going...WTF? Hole (aka the Wound) in ass deep enough to hold a golf ball (was told that by one of the nurses.)

(Um, Thursday or Friday, I'm sorry I can't remember!) R, K & E came for visit. That was totally awesome. I love them so much!!!

Saturday - Sent home even though still couldn't pee.

Sunday - N (another angel and I'll talk more about her later) came over and changed the bandage for me!)

and later that night...one too many times straining to pee...EXPLOSION of discharge (blood and infection (it has a form?)) ...back to ER (thanks again J!) and again a fever. They got me on a bed to wait on pretty quick after seeing how much I was leaking!) and then oh that fun ER visit ...

This was a whole 'nother experience.

• I could finally pee without straining, 
• Dr. who came over from my clinic was told "you have the most beautiful eyes" (and she did, OMG did she ever!)
• Massage. Would I like a massage during this next hospital stay? Are you fucking kidding me? Yes please.

Then, due to the large amount of infection in my ass, back into the hospital I go.

So now...another 3 days of IV's ...but this time around heavy doses of antibiotics, blood pressure checks, bandage changes ...again with a bunch of angels (nurses and PCA's). Another 3 days of asking relative strangers to help me wipe after using the toilet and help me shower. But oh those massages. Her name was Missy. And I got a 45 minute massage 3 days in a row!!!! I truly believe that contributed greatly to the healing that was finally starting.

No visitors this time around. But that was mostly for the best because even though I managed 2 showers, I was feeling ...gross.

Wednesday - home again. Home sweet home. This time around...just keeping wound "bandaged" ....hello surgical pants and Depends!

and it's now like 3 1/2 weeks later and I went to work yesterday (Friday) for the first time in 5 weeks. It was only a 1/2 day but it was enough.

Thankfully Monday is Labor Day and that means a paid day off and slightly shorter work week.

And now, here I am, with a long weekend where I will continue to take it easy and take painkillers and some more antibiotics. 

Do I want to talk about the fact that I've only seen B once during this whole ordeal? Do I want to talk about the fact that 4 1/2 of those weeks were unpaid and now I'm fucked financially again? Do I want to talk about how bored I've been being stuck at home, missing out on pedicures, hair appointments, wedding showers and a date with R, K & E? Do I want to talk about how dirty my apartment has gotten?

Not really.

Instead, I'll just have to express so much gratitude for the love, friendship and support I was shown by family, bosses and co-workers and friends.

Especially N. She's been so fucking awesome. Changing a bandage for me when I needed it (and for being willing to do it again if necessary); checking the Wound when I was nervous about it (I did mention she's a former nurse right?) because I can't really see it; bringing me smoothies, food/groceries, cards and money (from a collection they took up at work.) and spending time with me. Her visits and having company kept me from going insane. And all of that while she's got already so much shit going on in her life outside of working full-time and raising 3 girls.

I've really got so much to be grateful for. In no certain order:

• Netflix/Hulu Plus. I've now binge watched "Melissa and Joey" (3 seasons!) and "Arrow" (2 seasons) plus a shitload of episodes of "Chopped". Plus a shitload of movies, most of which I've seen before. 
• My brother and his willingness to take me to Dr. appointments without complaint. 
• That I still have a job.
• For a source for "happy"
• For my new phone and my kindle. Spending time in bed not so fun w/out something to do.
• For being at a lesser weight than before...even if it hasn't lasted.
• Coborn's Delivers. 'Nuff said.

and yeah, so here I am. Long weekend and I will start getting my shit together again.

Is it THAT time again?

Hmm. Interesting lyrics I'm paying attention to right now.

Release You - Johnny Hates Jazz

Losing the fight, closing my eyes
I’d run out of luck and I’d run out of time
The beat of my heart was fading away
The last thing I saw was your beautiful face
You and I, we can’t deny
That we’re still holding on
To everything we thought was yet to be

So I release you, yes I
I've made my peace with you now
It is time to say farewell
Deep inside you know
You've got to let me go
Though I love you with all my might
I must go towards the light

Everyday I watch as you grieve
I know that I must but I don’t want to leave
I call out your name, you stop and you stare
There are only the trees but you know that I’m there
In this dream, the in-between
I wish that I could hold you
But I am just a presence in the wind

So I release you, yes I
I've made my peace with you now
It is time to say farewell
Deep inside you know
You've got to let me go
Though I love you with all my might
I must go towards the light
Through the mist you blow a kiss
And then you walk away
And finally I know that I am free

So I release you, yes I
I've made my peace with you now
It is time to say farewell
Deep inside you know
You've got to let me go
Though I love you with all my might
I must go towards the light

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

How do you know when it is time to let something...someone go?

Happy Birthday to Me (Part I?)

It's 3:30am and I should be asleep...I got up about a 1/2 hour ago to "do my business" and couldn't go back to sleep right away so I decided to check my phone...email, texts and FB...looking for the birthday wishes I know are waiting for me (none, none and 7, so far!) and one of the 7 FB birthday wishes was from my uncle Cliffy (he'll always be Cliffy to me, not Cliff)...

What? You say? Your uncle Cliff(y)? You've never mentioned him before. (Well there are a few family member I haven't mentioned but I digress)...

Anyway, as I wrote in my FB message to him (after "Friend request" sent) there is nothing like something really sad happening to re-connect with family. I got a call last Saturday from my brother informing me that my uncle Clinton had passed away.

Now this is perfect description of the whole "threw the baby out with the bathwater" thing...

Many many years ago...decades in fact...my grandfather -the asshole sperm donors father -started to criticize my mothers parenting/character and I wasn't going to stand for it...at the ripe young age of 12 or so, I decided to stop spending time or even talk to my grandparents. In fact I stopped talking to EVERYONE on that side of the family.

My mother may not win any mother of the year awards for the kind of mother she was when I was growing up, but she is MY mother and nobody criticizes her! 

I walked away and didn't look back. I buried all of the good memories...spending time at their house with my brother on holidays and during the summer, watching soaps, eating good food, getting presents at Christmas and on my birthday, having a crush on my uncle Cliffy (he was a teenager and the "cutest boy I'd ever seen") and playing with my grandmas dogs, Peppy and Poochie.

I cut them ALL out of my life. The aunts, uncles and cousins from THAT side of the family all because of the only 2 rotten ones in the bunch. Wait, now that I think about it, there may have still been a tiny bit of contact with Clinton but the details are fuzzy at the moment.

My mothers side of the family became even more important because their rottenness was hidden and not directed at my mother and on the surface all was wonderful...wait, not gonna necessarily gonna go there at this time, this is not about them...

Anyhoo....fast forward 20? or so years....my grandpa on THAT side of the family passed away and while I sent my grandma a sympathy card, I didn't go to his funeral or service.

And now here we are and all I can taste is regret that I didn't have a chance to know my uncle Clinton as an adult. I remember him being nice. He was a good guy. And my uncle Cliff? He posted a very nice birthday message on my FB page. Apparently HE'S not holding any grudge (I'm also assuming this since he accepted my friend request) and seems to be still the nice guy I remember him to be too.

So I've already decided I'm going to go the service for him. It's next week and I'm sure it's going to be a very very very emotional night. While it's not about me...it's about celebrating his life...it IS about me letting go of old hurts and embracing family I haven't seen or talked to in years.

*sigh*

OK...now that I've gotten this stuff all down, I think I should try to go back to sleep now. I've got to be up in 4 1/2 hours and get my butt into work. And today will be a FUCKING great day. My co-workers have also already been showing me the birthday love and there will be lots more today. And then tonight...spending time with my BFF's. R, K & E along with N...who yes, has become a BFF.

So woo hoo...hello 44!

And now 44 is on the horizon.

I don't even know where to begin.

Maybe I've forgotten that I like to write...but only when I feel like I've got something ...significant to say.

...the above 2 sentences were written a couple of days ago and now I'm back...with something to say.

I'm making new friends (and it's kind of scary too.)

Not only are N and I becoming closer friends and hearing more of each others stories, but in the space of 12 hours or so, I've made some friends...women who are living in Amsterdam! My favorite place to visit (these days anyway.)

This is the message I sent to them on the "book of the face" as they like to call it...

So I swear I'm not a crazy person...just a ...fan and fellow blogger (well, you know how that goes....) and this might sound kind of crazy but when I take my next trip to Amsterdam, I'd love to meet you ...buy you guys a drink or something.

My name is "Sam". I'm 44 (well, hell, close enough right?) and live here in the States, in St. Paul, MN. I am an avid food watcher...meaning, I don't cook or bake but I LOVE food...especially watching others cook. Now, wait, not that I'm wanting to watch the next cupcake being made but ...I was watching an episode of Chopped, which led to a Google search "how do chefs prepare for chopped" which led to "I survived 3 rounds on Chopped" which written by Allison Robicelli...which led to the cookbook [Robicelli's: A Love Story, with Cupcake: with 50 Decidedly Grown-Up Recipes by Allison and Matt Robicelli] which led me to you from the review you posted on Amazon.com

So here I am, reading posts on the Sleazy Bakeshop [blog] and am loving it, swear words and all. And I adore Amsterdam. I won't lie, I come for more than just the friendly people, beautiful architecture...the canals! I come for the coffeshops. I would hope that wouldn't be a deal breaker should you decide you'd be OK with meeting this random stranger from across the pond.

Anyway, lovin' the blog so far. I just got done with the 2nd cupcake and I'm going to be reading into the wee hours ...and I just got the cookbook for my kindle so will be reading that too...it sounds like a hoot and maybe, just maybe, I will dip my toe into actually wanting to cook my own food for a change (though my kitchen is seriously tiny and I have zero counter space -the spot where my coffee maker [sits] doesn't count) ....So, thanks for reading and I hope we can meet someday. 


and 

Hello again....uh, I forgot to mention I work for Delta aka easy access to Amsterdam (Love our non-stop between there and here in MSP.) 

When I woke up this morning I had this reply waiting for me -

Awwww deal breaker ? That is cute. (This is Zoe Btw) I am married to stoney McStonestone of the clan McStone, so fear not, no deal breaker. The only thing would make us hate you is it you is if you hated puppies. You know who fight like puppies? Hitler, Hitler didn't like puppies. We would love to meet you and you can come hang out with us and bake. Make sure you bring a spare liver. We are hoping to get things back on track in September. Yay, a fan! Li is gonna lose her sky

Shit

We also may ask you to bring over various contraband. Kosha salt and the such. You know serious stuff.

How freakin' awesome is that? 

And so then I sent this reply ('cause why not just post the full exchange? :P )

• Yay! Hi Zoe. So happy to get message back! I kept reading after I sent that message last night and have now read everything SB blog-wise and Book of the Face anyway and am even more in love with you guys than I was when I started. And whew! Love that your husband and I have the love of the herb in common and it's not a deal breaker. I like booze too but once I met ganja in my early to mid 20's...well that changed EVERYTHING for the better. : ) As for bringing you stuff...I can totally do that! I have vacation time again at end of September but I am NOT opposed to coming over on a weekend...that's the joy of working for an airline. Though summer, Europe...not have as good a chance to get seat on flight so waiting until the fall is the smarter idea...in the meantime...I'll read that book, keep up with y'all via FB and enjoy getting to know some fabulous women who live in my favorite country (well outside of England anyway...I was lucky enough to live there for a couple of years as a kid after my mum married herself a Scotsman who was living in London when she met him) (And how's that for telling you more about me without you asking? : P ) How did you and/or Li find yourselves married and deciding that Amsterdam was where you were going to be living? If that's not too personal of a question to ask?
  
  
• Oh and I LOVE puppies.
   
  

  Her reply back even more hilarious...
  

  
  

  I will give you answers to all questions and perhapss more later, am vacation now. And am smoking a bifta with my dad. Yes that's how we roll in our family. All stoners in our family. And we actually live in Den Haag. (the Hague) far more civilised. Down the road from Schiphol. Speak soon, I feel we will be besties.
  
  Even before she mentioned where they live, the Hague, I'd read that in their blog and decided to read about it.
   
• I just got done reading the Wikipedia page about Den Haag. So now won't be complete ignoramus in that regard. Yay to stoners! Enjoy your vacay and no worries about when get back to me. I'll be here.

So here's some of the details...two women, one named Zoe and one name Li. Zoe is British and married to a Dutch man and Li is American (from Chicago) &  Puerto Rican and also married to a Dutch man. They're living in the Netherlands. Zoe has a toddler, a little girl they've nicknamed Monkey. They decided to do the Julie/Julia thing and cook each cupcake from the book and blog about it.

And they're hilarious. And they're ...real women. And they live ...near Amsterdam. And they speak English. And did I mention they're hilarious? And I love that they swear. And I love that Li uses the word "tits" as an ...adverb? Verb? Fuck, I don't know. I've never been good with grammar. Anyhoo. They just seem very cool and it's about time I expanded my circle of ...cool people.

So as another birthday approaches, it's time again to take stock of my life and get outside of my little "bubble" of home, work, home, work, home, work and the occasional get together with the 'rents, the favorite marrieds-with-child and the love of my life, B.

I've got loads to be thankful for, as usual and a lot of great people in my life.

And I just need to keep putting one damn foot in front of the other.

Things I'm Thankful For.

B.

My parents.

My friends...new friends, N and old friends R & K & S and...

My ipod. (I actually wanted to start with the ipod but it would seem shallow if I started with ...My ipod. :P)

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon and I just got back from haircut #? from Marne next door. I think I finally found that "hair that works" ...looks good down, easy to maintain/do and embraces the natural wave thing I've got goin' on.

I've got to start thinking about doing some laundry soon. And I think I'm going to go through my drawers and closests...if I haven't worn it in a year, it's gone.

I've got to have ...less to take care of, stuff-wise.

While I have decided to stick around in this apartment, I need to maximize its space.

I've now been here for almost a year and am learning more and more ways to "live" in this little space. Little space is fine for just me but only when it's tidy and organized.

So maybe that's what I'll do this afternoon, I'll just see where the whims of tidying and cleaning take me.

So guess what?

Chicken butt.

No, seriously...

N and I are really becoming friends. We hung out for a bit after work last night and it was fun having someone to share stories with.

I listened to her talking about being a parent and it's good for me to learn more about what that's like.

Some VERT important to me people are parents.

And they're still who they were before they became parents but now they just have an extra ...layer to their personalities. I can't imagine being responsible for someone else and it makes me sad that I am afraid I'm not capable of being responsible for someone else. Well, let's maybe not go there.

Besides, I practice a bit with Starr.

And I'll be Starr and house-sitting again next month. She's so easy to take care of. Sweet, good-natured, obedient and lovable. I wonder if humans can be raised that way? Kidding.

But seriously, I'm going to be spending time with children and I want to...contribute to them growing up being respectful, loving, kind, charming, funny and honest human beings. The kind of person other people want to spend time with. The kind of person who is happy with themselves and is confident in the world around them.

And I'm looking how actions speaking louder than words. (N was openly admitting that "do as I say, not as I do" was something she had said about herself and her parenting style.)

Another thing that I think is cool is that I"m getting to see different stages of childhood and how that's going.

R & K w/E. He's a little over 6 months old and still dependent on them for food, changing, comforting and loving. Just starting to sit up and sit in a chair and eat baby food.

B - A. not a todler anymore but a young child, learning how to spell. and do math. And tie her own shoes. And pick out her own clothes. Who still thinks her daddy is the best person in the world. (I agree.)

N - w/3 girls. 14 being the oldest. 14. Yikes. A teenager. Helping take care of her younger sisters. About to go into high school. Dreaming of being a pilot. And a younger daughter who wanted to help others and volunteer at a food bank for her birthday.

How cool is all of that???

And all of these responsible, great people are my friends.

I will watch and listen and appreciate.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

N and are going to start carpooling next week and we've decided that we're going to do the gym thing before work this time around.

For a week and half now we've been skipping the gym but not without expressing our guilt about not going and justifying it by eating "better" in having salads and such.

So, back to the routine but altered. It really is a good idea because then we can still have lunch and just talk with limited distractions.

I've mentioned that her and I are becoming real friends right? And yesterday, twice, randomly/out of the blue, she just expressed her gratitude for my great friendship (uh, words to that effect) and both times I was like "what the hell?..where did THAT come from? Thank you" (I think I said thank you)when I should have just said "thank you.". It's just that it's been so long since someone said that to me.

I'm not complaining...it just that I think it's usually me saying that to someone about them/their friendship.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Alone and a little lonely.

I haven't been to work all week.

I'm just feeling...out of sorts and my back is acting up. And spending time with myself is giving my brain way too much free time to think about my life and about the relationship w/B.

I don't doubt the love he feels for me but the reality is that this is as good as it's gonna get.

I've made some compromises and while I can normally live with them...I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't have.

This is the first time I've ever had a man love me like he does...loving me for just the way I am. My physical self is loved. My emotional self is loved. My personality is loved. Even when I push and push and get all crazy in my head, he loves me. And the fear that he is going to someday stop loving me...I don't feel that at all. 

But the reality is that I live off of crumbs of his free time. I am not number one (hell, I don't feel like I'm even in the top 5 half the time.)

I've been able to live with not being the woman he proposed to, married and is raising a family with but now I'm also having to face another reality right now and that is that when things go to shit in his life? Forget it. I really don't exist. I don't get share in the burdens weighing him down and get to be there to support him. The one thing I CAN do and I don't even get to do that.

And all of this is swirling around in my brain right now combined with how I felt recently spending time with R/K & E and being reminded of how happy they are and then finding out that a former co-worker, S, got engaged to her boyfriend (who recently finally got divorced) and has a daughter he has custody of that she has a great relationship with.

All around me people who get to have open and honest relationships. I see people being brave and walking away from marriages that are not working for them. I see people being free to love and be with the person they love.

I won't lie though...in some ways it sure is easy to be in a relationship like this...I get to be selfish and not do anything I don't want to do. I don't have to answer to anyone other than myself. I don't have to be responsible for anyone other than myself. 

So I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Am I ...broken? I feel like I'm seriously fucked up. And I wonder if I am capable of being the kind of person who can be mature enough to be in a real relationship with someone and be responsible for others. What is wrong with me that I accept what little time is given to me? Why do I not refuse to have anything other than an open and honest relationship?

I feel like I'm so bogged down in thinking about things I feel are wrong with me (my size, too lazy, too unmotivated, etc.) and I can't get past any of it. I can't find the strength to pull myself out of this pit of self-criticism. How ironic that he loves me, flaws and all but I don't love myself.

I know there are things I can do...taking it a step at a time in moving forward and addressing the things I feel I need to make better in my life...get back to work, get back to the gym, etc. but those things just feel so hard to do right now.

And on top of all of this...I'm so tired. So very tired. 

OK, so maybe the depression is kinda rearing it's ugly head right now.

*sigh*

Did I mention how tired I am? 

Vacation April '14

I started vacation off with a bang this time around. I went to Amsterdam again. And just like the last time, I only spent one night there.

Maybe it seems crazy to go for such a short time but it really boils down to doing it on the cheap.

And I have learned, I can have fun doing it on the cheap.

I flew on a Saturday night (luckily getting business class) and arrived on Sunday morning. I had a room courtesy of points earned at work and it was right on the Amstel river.

I decided to just head for my hotel right away...if I wasn't going to be able to check-in early (I wasn't) I could at least leave my backpack there before going back out. (For the record, I'm so proud of myself for having found the hotel ...it wasn't downtown and wasn't right on the street where the tram stopped, on Rembrandtplein.)

I had 2 goals for this trip. To visit the Van Gogh museum and take a canal ride.

The concierge at the hotel provided a map with directions to get to the Van Gogh museum so that's where I headed first.

I took my time and it was a beautiful sunny day with the temperature in the 60's. Along the way, I met some interesting people. First there was the little old lady sitting on the bench near the Archive building. She was originally from AMS but was currently living in Belgium and was just visiting her son who still lived in AMS. Then there was the couple at the Cafe I stopped at for a drink and a bathroom break. He was originally from WI but currently living in Switzerland with his wife (who was Swiss.) And then there was Joe...who actually looked a lot like Van Gogh and walked with me part of the way, showing me where the Van Gogh museum was and telling me where the entrance was. He was American and living in CA with his fiancee. She wasn't along this trip and he was just stopping over before heading to London.

Not only are the Dutch very friendly, but so were these strangers I encountered along the way and it definitely made me feel less lonely to have people to chat with.

I finally made it to the museum and while in line waiting to get in, I chatted with a woman, another American from CA, named Chris (sp?) a 3rd grade teacher who was also just in AMS on a layover with her eventual destination being Uganda. We split up in the museum and I feel bad that I didn't say goodbye to her and wish her safe travels. I didn't spend a lot of time in the museum as the lack of sleep and jet lag was catching up with me.

I made it back to the hotel and was so exhausted that all I could do was nap for a couple of hours.

Physically, this trip took a lot out of me and I realize I need to get my ass back to the gym. I've not been going and I really need to if I hope to be able to travel again in the future and not feel like I'm dying from walking a couple of miles. Also, thinking about it now, AMS is really not a city for those of us who are let's just say out of shape.

After my nap, while tempting to stay in my room, I knew I'd regret that and so out I went again and went in search of finding a canal tour.

There were only 2 canal tours I was looking for ...one operated by Holland International and the other by Blue Boat. I needed it to be one of them because I bought this "I am amsterdam" pass that covered museum entrance fees, a canal tour and tram fares for 48 hours and by god, I was going to get my money's worth out it it.

But first, a little stop at a coffeeshop called Smokeys. I had picked up a little...treat on my way to the museum and while my original plan was to enjoy at 4:20pm on 4/20, well, I was in the museum at that time, so I had to revise my plan for enjoying it. So hello Smokeys. Where I had the best Iced Cappucino and a not so great Tosti (ham and cheese on toast.) 

Afterward, I went out to have a cigarette and hung out at this square at Rembrandtplein where there was a harpist playing and at one point a guy playing with fire batons.

(This is also where some African man tried to pick me up and wouldn't take no for an answer. He didn't care that I said I was very happy with the love of my life. He kept trying to convince me he would "give me great pleasure" for a night. I was thrilled when he finally he went away...it having turned from a flattering situation to an uncomfortable one and harshing my buzz.)

Well, so I hopped on a tram but by the time I was halfway to where the Blue Boat location was, it ended up being too late for that so I just turned around and took a tram back to the Rembrandtplein square area and ended up at a cafe, Cafe Monico, for some people watching and a couple of tasty drinks, Jillz Red.

I hadn't really eaten all day with the exception of breakfast on the plane that morning and eating only half of the bread of the tosti at Smokeys, so before I headed back to the hotel, I found a pita shop and had a chicken gyro and some frites. Then utterly and thoroughly exhausted but happy I had gone out and about, I went back to the hotel.

I ended up sleeping in way later than I planned the next morning and only had 25 minutes to shower and check-out.

I stopped at a restaurant called Three Sisters and had an English breakfast (of sorts) and then went to Starbucks for coffee. Thank god for Starbucks!

I was still determined to take a canal cruise though and decided to see if I could take the Holland International one (by Centraal Station) and still have time to get back to the airport in time to catch my flight.

Thankfully, it was a rainy day and there were way less crowds and I was able to get on a 2pm tour that would be done by 3pm.

It was an awesome hour but I didn't enjoy it probably quite as much as I could have what with the rain and the worry about getting back to the airport to catch my 5pm flight.

The universe conspired to make it happen though...I managed to catch the right train (and an express train to boot) back to the airport and find my gate, have a seat assigned already (business class again, yay!) and be on board before departure.

In retrospect, I can see myself going again and with the knowledge that I could go for another quick trip and it won't cost me a lot of money. And I will go back again. I'm not done with Amsterdam by a long shot. I want to do the canal tour thing again for sure.

On Sunday night, during my visit to Smokeys, I had the thought that I really do love it there because it's a place where I feel so free in being myself. There's something to be said for being amongst others who enjoy the same thing and there is no need to hide the pleasure in it. Yeah, I'm talking about the freedom to smoke. Oh sure, it's legal in Colorado now, but CO doesn't have the same beauty that Amsterdam does in it's architecture and history. And it doesn't have canal tours.

I got home Monday night and pretty much slept all day on Tuesday.

Going on this quick kind of intense trip definitely reminds me that if I want something bad enough, I will do what it takes to make it happen. And I need to remember that when looking at challenges that come along. I can set my mind on something and get it done. I am smart and can be fearless. I can be successful if I let myself be.

Wednesday and Thursday found me spending time with R, K and baby D. He's getting so big. And when he smiles at me, it just is the best thing ever.  I love spending time with them as I can always just be myself with them.

Today...Friday. Last day of vacation and it's bittersweet. I just stayed in my pj's today. Next week, back to real life. Real life that includes making better food choices and getting back to the gym. Back to taking better care of myself.

Back to thinking ahead about of how I want the movie of my life to play out.

In a way, I feel like I took the whole month of April "off" and tried to ignore my real life...I'm not quite sure how to explain it. But I know it feels like I was just going through the motions for the most part. I kept I company on the drive to VA and afterward, I was ...tired and maybe a little depressed and ended up taking a whole week off to just ...check-out of life for a few days.

Again, I'm not sure if I can really explain exactly why I felt like I had to do that but there it is/was and now here I am...needing to find the joy in life again.

So much to be thankful for. I just need to keep focusing on that again.