My Mother Has Four Noses

I just got home from treating myself to a "night out" ...I bought myself a ticket to see my favorite singer, Jonatha Brooke perform a show to she wrote about her mother. It was at the Guthrie and it was ...wonderful.

The PLAY 

My Mother Has Four Noses

Three Septembers ago I moved my mother to New York. She was in the mid stages of Alzheimer's. I had no idea what I was getting in to. But there was no question I would be there for her. We had quite an adventure - my "real life" on the back burner, my "career" all but halted. But our very vivid, very "real" life together was, at times, great theatre.

Mom was a character. In fact I've always thanked her on stage for all the good material (she's right! As a long time fan, having seen her in concert, she sure did!) Ironically, in her last two years, she found her best audience ever - Me. She was funny, she was impossible. My only instinct: write it, sing it, tell it. It was her instinct too: Almost daily she would say, "Boolie, (my nickname) "That's good! are you getting this down? We should make a play out of it!!"

Well I was getting it down. "My Mother Has Four Noses" is what came of it: A play and a new album of the songs that weave in and out of the telling...."

I had no idea what kind of night I was in for and it was...brilliant and heartbreaking.

This is what a message I sent to her (via FB) ...written on the long bus ride home from Minneapolis to St. Paul.

Hi. Long long time fan writing to say thank you for ...well, sharing yet another piece of your heart and soul with the world. I was at the performance tonight, Tuesday, at the Guthrie and much as I wanted to stay after I let the prospect of the journey home (to St. Paul via several buses, at night, in winter) propel me out the door the minute the lights went up. I wanted my mother to come with me to see this and I really wish she had. She's a writer and poet and larger than life personality and while she isn't suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's she has several serious medical issues related to congestive heart failure and type 2 diabetes on top of the disability of her equilibrium being gone for several decades now (long story) ...anyway... She's been in the hospital over a dozen times over the last couple of years and so much of what you shared was so...spot on in describing the highs and lows, the joys and pains of dealing with the reality of an aging mother who you love so much. Watching them fight what is happening to them and the things they are doing to make sure they leave their mark on the world outside of their children (my mother is currently rewriting her first novel) is both exciting and heartbreaking. I cried tonight...at times trying not to sob and interrupt.... So anyway, again, thank you for sharing. All of that I now realize you have already shared bits and pieces of in and through your music all of these years and adds extra layers to what I already loved. I hope this show is put on DVD at some point because I would love to share it with my mother. Thank you again.

...
 
So just another significant moment in my life that I'm needing to ...share and make sure I never forget about.

Jonatha has been my favorite singer for probably about 20 years now (OMG, yes, apparently 20 years now) and at times her music has been the soundtrack to certain parts of my life.

Here are the lyrics to a couple of my favorites...

Because I Told You So

If I gave you the sky
If I laid down my life
Would you believe me then?
If I promised to change
If I carried the blame
Would you believe me then?

Could you see it like me
And believe what I see
Could you listen, and remember that I love you
Only, because I told you, because I told you so.

If you told me you lied
But I stayed true and tried
Would you believe me then?
And if your beauty was gone
But my love lingered on
Would you believe me then?

Could you see it like me
And believe what I see
Could you listen and remember that I love you
Only,
Because I told you, because I told you so.

You take the wheel for now
I'm too tired to drive this one home anyhow,
For now
And when you mention my name
Let this one thing remain,
My love,
Believe me now.

and

Everything I Wanted

So this is how it feels to be happy, to find real true love
To be wanted, to be real
We throw away the rest of the past, every small broken thing
We find new things that will last

And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted

It's another gorgeous day in Miami, I am missing you
Can you hear me, are you real
Never home for long we are passing in our dreams at night
But we send signals we can feel

And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change, I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
We make do, we get by
We don't know how or why
We lose track, were we happy?
Could we take anything back? If we could,
Would we try?

And every single day I am grateful, I hold my heart in my hands
And I love you, this is real

And everything's the same but my name
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not ashamed
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not the same
And I have everything I wanted
For a change I'm not to blame
and I have everything I wanted

Not ashamed, everything I wanted
Not to blame, everything I wanted
For a change, everything I wanted
not ashamed.

I could copy and paste lyrics all night but I think you get the point. Deep, meaningful lyrics that speak for me. Say things I didn't know I wanted to say.

And on that note, I'm going to put myself to bed now, with her songs singing me to sleep.

Goodnight.

Work Friends

Today I was feeling some love for some of the people I work with.

We work in teams and as I'm getting to know my team members more, the more I like them. I mean I already thought everyone was OK, but this is more than that. We're all so different...at different places in our lives from each other and yet, we come together to do this job. And we respect each other. And we all help each other out.

N (soon-to-be-divorced mother of 3, tall, blond, blunt, insightful, funny, strong woman in her sexual prime) was making me laugh (see text from 06Dec) and I was missing P's (wife, mother/step-mother, grandmother, long time employee, surrogate big sister) calming presence, it struck me that they are just as important to me as my dearest friends out of work (R & K, I...) and it's because they all truly let me be myself. They care about me and listen to me.

And I'm so thankful for them. I tried to share this video with just them on FB on Thanksgiving, but I don't know if any of them saw it (and I'm afraid to ask anyone other than N) so maybe I'll just put it here. Here is where I want to "put things on the record."

So without further ado...here is a dedication to a very special bunch of people in my life.

(Note: I looked up the lyrics for this song and then debated about if it really was the right song to express thanks for being accepted for myself ... and they weren't quite right but the sentiment is spot on and simple.)

Thank you for letting me be myself.

Life is a Rollercoaster

"Life Is A Rollercoaster"

Hey baby you really
Got my tail in a spin
Hey baby I don't even
Know where to begin
But baby I got one thing
I want you to know
Wherever you go tell me
'Cause I'm gonna go

[CHORUS:]
We found love,
So don't hide it
Life is a rollercoaster,
Just gotta ride it
I need you,
So stop hiding
Our love is a mystery
Girl, let's get beside it

Hey baby, you really
Got me flying tonight
Hey sugar, you almost
Got us punched in a fight
(That's all right)
And baby you know one
Thing I gotta know
Wherever you go, tell me
'Cause I'm gonna show

[Repeat chorus]

Can't you feel my heart?
Can't you feel my heart?
Can't you take my heart?

[Repeat chorus]

So don't fight it,
Fight it, fight it
[x3]

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Just got off the phone with my mother...and she almost sounds like herself again. We've survived another medical... drama.

She wanted to ask if I'd received the pages she sent me. She wrote a book decades ago (on a typewriter no less!) called "Predictions". A fictional story based on her friends and herself when she was a teenager and young woman.

I remember reading it years ago and it was good. She has decided now is the time to finish her unfinished work. She's having to type it all again because she wants it "on the computer" and is also rewriting as she goes.

She wants my notes and feedback on what she's done so far. That my opinion really matters to her I've never doubted (this is not the first time she's wanted it on anything she's written) and it's nice to know she thinks I'm as smart as I am. :P

While my mother may have her health issues, she is still who she is and that is a writer. She's had some poetry published and written 3 books, including this one. Maybe someday one of her books will get published too. I would hope that for her.

I'm glad she's finding things to keep her motivated to keep taking care of her self and doing things that make her happy.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯  ☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Spent some time with R/K & E last night. I love that little guy. I'm really looking forward to watching him grow up...though not too fast. There is so much to learn and look forward to. The first time he recognizes me, the first time he speaks (where do they learn "NO" from?), the first time he crawls and walks.

I'm getting ahead of myself though aren't I? Right now I'm just hoping in the near future I get to babysit. So the next time we get together I want to learn what I would need to do in order to take care of him if I spend the night and let them get some sleep.  I've got changing a diaper down...so now I just need to know the feeding schedule.

While I'm quite confident in my abilities to take care of him, it was nice to hear last night when R expressed his pleasure with my interactions w/E. Them being able to trust me with him is very important. And they can.

I already know there really isn't anything I wouldn't do for them, for him.

My not-so-secret love

And the constant war between love and hate between myself and,,,

Food (What? You thought I was going to say something else?)

Today, Thanksgiving 2013 and I'm taking it really easy. About a week and half ago, I fell and banged up my leg pretty bad. It's slow going healing-wise and today I made the decision to stay off my leg as much as possible.

That meant, not going to Boston Market to pick up lunch for the family and have lunch together. My brother hadn't planned on spending time with the family anyway ....it's just another day to them and he was going over to spend time at his friend D's.

So as he was heading out in the afternoon, I asked him if he would bring me something to eat.  I just wanted to have food I didn't cook. He stopped at Cub Foods and got me a chicken dinner from the deli. And cheesecake. Pumpkin cheesecake.

And that is where the love is...not only being grateful my brother is a good guy and helps me out every once in awhile but that I love eating already prepared foods. I love not making it myself.

The hate (maybe not quite hate) is because I know eating these kinds of foods, for the most part, are not the healthiest options for me (aka they're not vegetables, nor whole grains, nor fruit, etc.)

And while I was eating, I thought to myself "damn, I really love food."

But you know what? Instead of obsessing over the topic of eating/food/self-worth/etc. I'm going to choose to focus on other things right now.

In fact, I'm going to stop writing and I'm going to continue the Thanksgiving holiday tradition I started with myself a few years ago and watch "Home for the Holidays" with Holly Hunter, Dylan McDermott & Robert Downey Jr.

I love this movie. And the older I get the more I appreciate it and can relate to it. It's got a character who has had some setbacks, is not perfect and who has a life that's a little out of control. A character who has a family that is full of crazies that you love anyway and it has some very funny moments. And of course there's a love story too. (You know I'm a sucker for a good love story.)

And a really great soundtrack. My favorite being at the end..."The Very Thought of You" by the late great Nat King Cole.

And I want to dedicate it to a very special man...a man who loves me and makes me feel so alive and happy when we're together.

that's something I'm very thankful for right now.

Thanksgiving Eve 2013

It's probably not a bad idea to think about some things I'm thankful for right now...

1. I have a place to live and enough money to pay rent for December...on time. (It's been awhile.)
2. I have a job that I'm currently really enjoying. (It's been awhile.)
3. Neither parent (especially my mother) is in the hospital right now.
4. I have some really great people in my life.

And Thansgiving 2013 is a week from today.

Lesson to be learned by watching "Top Chef" ...

It's what you do when things go wrong that make you better.

I haven't felt like writing in awhile and it's because there are things I think about that only depress me and I don't want to share them, I'm afraid to put the thoughts and feelings out there, for anyone to see. I don't want to talk about any of the poor choices I've made.

While in the past it's been good for me to write about the things I'm grateful for when I'm needing a reminder that my life doesn't suck and that I'm not a bad person, right now that's not...where I want to go. I don't know if that makes any sense but that's the best way I can describe it right now.

I'm not myself...whoever that is.

So I'm going back into therapy. I need to get some different perspective on the state of my life and the choices I'm making. And I need to start dealing with my parent's health issues and aging. And I need to stop fighting with myself.

I admit my expectations are a bit high but I know therapy has been good for me in the past. So it's time for a tune-up.

I really love music.

Heard this tonight and it reminded me of how much I love this song...

                      ...(Song of the Moment --------------------------------------------------- >>>

"Half Of My Heart"

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart
with half of my heart

your faith is strong
but I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
but I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you [x3]
but I can't stop loving you with half of my...

half of my heart
half of my heart

half of my heart's got a real good imagination
half of my heart's got you
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that half of my heart won't do

half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything

half of my heart [x6]