Ramblings From This Forty-Something.

It's been a gorgeous day outside -for the most part and once again, just like on most other gorgeous days, I've been inside playing around online.

And I'm bored. And a little bit lonely.

And here is my new favorite word:

Ennui - Listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of interest; boredom.

Yup, that's the state I'm in right now. I love weekends but I think I also ...don't.

There are a million things I could do ...but I don't. Why don't I go to a movie? Or volunteer? Or go to a bookstore? Or get together with friends?

I did see R & K yesterday. They came over here to check out the new place and then we went and grabbed some dinner at Cosetta's. Afterward we went out to Ikea. It was fun doing something with other people. I was so happy not being alone for a change. (I do so so so many things alone these days.)

I guess I normally don't ...mind. (Well, I thought I didn't mind.) I've made a point of trying to structure my life so that I don't feel lonely very often. But here I am. It's a Sunday afternoon and I'm definitely experiencing ennui.

I thought having a little extra money would help but nope. I've got enough for a movie or to go get coffee in the local coffee shop or grab a beer at the local bar (which I've been meaning to check out) but ...but.... I would be doing those things.... alone.

*sigh*

So what the fuck is my problem? Why am I not calling up the handful of people I know who I'd actually feel comfortable enough actually socializing with and seeing what they're up to? (I've got a million excuses for it...number one being it's too short of notice.)

And here's a good question...is it really because I don't want to get...dressed aka put a fucking bra on?

Oh, here's a thought...maybe if work was busier I'd need this alone-and-loving-it time but work hasn't been busy lately and between the boredom there and now here at home no wonder I'm climbing the walls!

Well, at least it's after 8pm now. I'll have some dinner, watch the latest episode of "Hannibal" and take my shower and settle down with some reading before crashing.

I will have survived another boring and feeling kind of lonely day.

How DO I feel about the new place?

I've been asked how I'm liking the new place and a couple of words I've used to describe it have been "shit hole". Strong words? Yes. Being melodramatic? Of course! But I have also said it has potential. A lot of potential.

It's been over a week now and I'm still ...adjusting. Adjusting to the kitchen with no counter space and a dripping faucet (yes, I've reported it to the landlord.) Adjusting to the tiny bathroom, with the....tiny shower. Adjusting to all of the new smells of new paint throughout and the unappealing smell of what Pop calls the pine on the 3 season porch, to the damp/musty smell in the bathroom (we're calling it damp/musty even though I really think it smells like piss.) Adjusting to the hardwood floors that creak. Adjusting to the narrow entryway from the kitchen to the tiny bathroom (have I mentioned I have a tiny bathroom???) And then there's living with the constant humidity from this fucking weather (don't even get me started on the crappy weather we've been having for WEEKS now) and always feeling just ...icky.  And then there is having upstairs neighbors in a small building. I hear them coming and going (but I can't really bitch about that as thankfully they're "hours" aren't conflicting with mine (aka waking me up when I am trying to sleep!))...and I haven't "heard" them yet (I'm pretty sure their bedroom is directly above mine.)

I did the bare minimum in unpacking but now I'm just ...eh. Whatever. I've got pictures to hang and rugs to purchase when I have some extra cash again but that won't be anytime soon. I won't reap the benefits of cheaper rent for a little while yet.

I know I'll get there eventually ...getting used to it's "quirks" and making it feel like home but until then...I just need to keep getting from one day to the next.

And thank god I kept the fan.

And maybe someday if I make better money, I'll go back to living in a ...nicer place, with central air and a dishwasher.

In the meantime, I'll keep reminding myself that I can actually afford this place ...and maybe finally get some bills taken care of and maybe even save a little bit.  And I'll keep reminding myself that having a little bit of extra cash means I can maybe go out and have some fun a little more often.

So I will just have to keep on keepin' on won't I?

So now what?

I took a well deserved break from unpacking and settling in today to read a book I've been wanting to read for awhile..."The Last Boyfriend" by Nora Roberts. The 2nd in a trilogy about a family that restored and opened an Inn -a haunted Inn. And the stories are about the 3 sons, brothers who find love -so yes, romances. And Nora Roberts is a damn good storyteller.

She writes about love -but not just about the love between men and women but about the love you find with the family you have and make.

And now I'm thinking again about all of the love I have in my life.

I felt that love earlier today when my Pop stopped by to fix my shower. The shower curtain rod had a piece that anchored it to the wall and I broke it (lesson learned is that I cannot sit on edges  of the [mini clawfoot] tub to shave my legs) and while I managed to get a replacement piece I couldn't quite figure out how to screw the 2 pieces back together. (Apparently I just didn't try hard enough 'cause Pop had it done in about a minute.)

So thinking about love ...I've really got a lot of it coming at me, from a variety of sources. And how lucky am I? I've got family and friends and B. Yes, B. I think you all know he's [still] in my life, he's a big part of my life and part of why I feel so loved and lucky.

At times, my heart swells and gets so full of love that it feels like it's going to burst. 

It'll be weird going back to work tomorrow with having had 4 days off. Now instead of worrying about the move, it'll be back to life as I know it. Unpacking and settling in is a lot less dramatic than packing and moving. Oh sure, creating the new "nest" -finding ways to make it work and become a home will be a fun way to spend my free time, but there will have to be ...more that I can do with my life.

Like what you say? I don't know. And I should probably wait until I feel a little bit of that financial relief that I'm going to eventually be experiencing before I get ahead of myself.

There is talk of going thrifting with Pop next Saturday. That should be fun. And I should have a better idea of what I'll be needing and looking for by then.

In the meantime, it's about washing my dishes right away. It's about prepping my coffee the night before. It's about the walk and taking the bus from a new bus stop.

It's about getting my ass up for work. And paying bills. And spending time with friends and family. And it's about being grateful for all of the good things I've got in my life. 

And so the next chapter begins...

Well, here I am. In the new place. And even though I had movers (money well spent let me tell you) because I wanted them to be finished as quickly as they could, I ended up telling them just to unload and put most of my stuff in the living room which meant/means that I'm still getting quite the workout in moving boxes and such in and out of the various rooms. My body is NOT happy with this type of activity.

I had a moment last night where I asked myself what the hell I had done in picking this place. The bathroom and kitchen are so small. And I don't think I like my new shower yet. Thankfully Pop was able to figure out what to do so that I could use my shower head in this shower...it wouldn't fit as it was so he went off to a hardware store and got help and was able to fix it.

Oh! That reminds me...I'll be right back.

Let's hope I don't live to regret cutting the bottoms of the shower liners. They were too long and I had the brilliant idea during my shower last night that I should cut them. So I just went and did that.

There is massive amounts of potential with this place, however, there will be lots of new challenges. Then again, I like a challenge don't I? Figuring out the best way to make the kitchen and bathroom work will keep me from getting bored...for a little while anyway.

So here I am. Headache from the paint fumes, tired from not sleeping very well even though I was exhausted and yet relieved that finally the move is over and I can get on with life (and that will include quitting smoking for real this time. I didn't last more than a day last week. I was too anxious about the move.)

Onward and upward.

And counting down the days now.

*I wonder what my upstairs neighbor will be like -in terms of her reactions to hearing my noises (music, etc. ;) )?

and that is just one of many million things I'm thinking about these days.

*How on earth am I going to eat healthier in a small kitchen with no counter space?

*What should I pack from the kitchen?

I can't stop.

(Seriously? This is the drama this time? Moving. Well I suppose it could be worse.)

No. It's the recent decision in the soon-to-be giving up my dirty little habit - smoking cigarettes. I need to do it for others who have requested it or tolerated it. I'll use my new place as the starting point. A fresh start (of sorts.)

Shit. This growing up business is a bit challenging at times.

But that's what I've got to keep doing. Facing my demons (bills.) And getting my shit together.

I need to be the kind of person a person can count on.

BIWH (think about it Sam.) (hint. the title of the previous post.)

I will be in the new place for the first day in 2 more weeks. I'm really excited about this. And I'm really hoping that I'm not subconsciously putting myself into situations that I'll have to move from eventually. I am only thinking about that because I was talking about some of my moves with Bill this afternoon.

I had to be out of the apartment while they were showing it this morning and found myself out at the Farmer's Market and then to Golden's Deli for some breakfast. (The rain kept most of the crowds away...yay!) I ran into Bill on the way back and we ended up hanging out for a bit. During that time, I was talking about that I've moved a LOT in my life. By the time I was 36 I had already moved 18 times in my life. (Stop me if you think you've heard this before.) And here I go again.

But I'm really excited about this. Excited about the new ...nest and the neighborhood. There is a bar two blocks away. I wonder if I'll become a go the local bar kind of woman. Nah. We all know what I prefer when I indulge don't we? And I like that at home.

I'll miss this neighborhood though. I've met some really cool people down here. I ...hope...wonder if I'll keep in touch with them outside of FB.

These next 2 weeks better go fast. I'm losing my mind over this packing and what to keep and what not to keep business. I don't know why I think that is so important. Hmm, but what else should I focus on?

Well, I've been neglecting my physical self again -with the exception that I'm off soda (only 1x in the last 3 or so months.) ...I've not been eating as healthy as I could. I'll miss the Farmer's Market being as accessible as it is.  You know what? I think I'll do something I wasn't sure I was going to do and make it a point to get my butt down to it even after I move. I was just reading reviews of it on Yelp. And damn straight, it's awesome. Not perfect but awesome. I admit today I bought a couple of things ...pasta -lemon linguine, Parmesan cheese, cinnamon bread and ...homemade soap.

I probably spent more on those items that I probably should have but they're treats. And I love being able to have treats. They're what keep me going when I get bummed about money.

2 Weeks from Today - 3 Weeks (hint. when actually was.)

I will be in my new apartment. Packing fever has struck.

And then I hear this song and ...wow, quite appropriate as I think about packing...

"Simple Life"

Can I get up in the morning
Put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say "hey" to the sun...
Is it enough to write a song and sing it to the birds?
They'd hear just the tune
Not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

I dreamed you first
But not so real
And everyday since I've found you
Such moments we steal
Like little thieves, we rub our hands
We hold our hearts between them.
But will you hear me and know?

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

Move on, move on
Time is accelerating.
Drive on all night
Traffic lights and one-ways.
Move on, move on
Parking violations waiting
Turn off the car, breathe the air
Let's stay here.

I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name
And every star at night.
We'll weave our days together like waves
And particles of light.

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

Yup, totally telling my story -my life right now. And a-ha, the next "Song of the Moment"!