Going to Paris

April Fool. Sort of. Somehow, someway I have managed to find myself going to Las Vegas with my mother -and her friend Blia -for this vacation. We're going mainly to see "Paris" -it's our way of going together. (I did think about trying to get to the real thing -do that just go and see the Eiffel Tower and come back thing but that was going to cost just a little bit too much.) I wonder how it'll live up the real thing ...I'll have to be sure to ask the ladies as they've both been.

I'm getting picked up in about 5 1/2 hours and I probably should be trying to get a little bit of sleep but I'm too restless to sleep.

Am I excited? I don't know.

I'm nervous though my mother's health is holding steady. And we packed all of her medicine -even stuff that she may not need. And we're both going to be watching the salt. And we're both going to be eating salads and fruit. I think that this is maybe going to be a kind of ...way to reinforce that she needs to keep taking care of herself. So she can travel -even if it's just within the U.S. She's worked hard and I hope that means she can handle it....and has a good time to boot. And it's a good thing we'll have time apart because we both need our space. (Another thing I get from her...my sense of independence.)

And I love that SHE is excited. My parent's do love to travel (yup, that's where I get it from) and I think it's cool that they take solo trips. (I wonder if there would be somewhere I could talk Pop into going?)

It's nice making your parent's happy.

It's nice making other people happy.

None of us are rolling in the dough so we will be doing things on the cheap. I was thinking that that I really would be spending a good 8 hours a day at the pool ...but probably not (and I am going to be sure we're putting on lots of suncreen because to get sunburned would just suck.)

I am glad that my mother has been very eager to reassure me that we'll all have plenty of time for ourselves ...so I guess I better do some reading about free, fun/interesting things to do in Vegas.

I can't believe it's already time for the trip..! OK, I guess I'm getting excited. But one thing at a time. First, to deal with the airport and getting seats on the flight.

----

And this has been serving as a welcome distraction from the apartment search. A very welcome distraction.

On 2nd thought...

As I prepare tonight for a visit tomorrow to get the measurements (for the upcoming remodel) I am thinking that downgrading to an efficiency may not be a bad idea after all. Less to clean and maintain.

Shit. Moving Again.

Moving again.

Because I'm not making enough money. It always comes down to money.

Fucking money.

So the search is on for the next new home. God, I've had so many that I lost count (last time I counted it was at 26 times at age 36.) I'm trying to look at is as an adventure but it's really hard. What can I live with? What don't I want to live without? Where? And will I be able to afford it.

Where will I end up.

I just want to find a place I never have to move from ever again.

So maybe I'll do a little daydreaming...

1. Dishwasher & proper kitchen to cook in.
2. Air-conditioning
3. Separate bedroom area
4. On the 54 busline
5. Parking for guests
6. Pool, indoor and outdoor
7.  Whirlpool

Just for fun I should put those into the search engines/apartement search websites and see what I get ...and how much it costs.

But how do I make more money when I like what I do? (Ooooh. Um, Be right back.)

And then there is the other side of moving, for me. Going through my possessions and deciding what I want to take with me into the next chapter.

And then there is making it official. I'll be sending my notice to vacate by certified mail tomorrow (or Thursday...) and that really means that I have to find and pick a new place. And I need to see places in person.

*sigh*

Here we go again. 

Moving. F&*k

The apartments are getting upgrades ...and an increase in rent. Fuck. I can barely handle my current rent.

For some reason I really thought that I could handle it...time for some ...TMI. (also known as why oh why am I revealing the numbers?)

If I work my full 80 hours, my take-home/post-tax & deductions check is around 900.00. My absences, unpaid absences have been cutting into that. (Uh, maybe I ought to examine this eh?)

My rent is 845.00.

I thought that I could oh-so-easily use 1/2 of each paycheck toward rent and that would leave me with easily 400 left for groceries, bus fare, bills and cheap fun.

It hasn't quite gone as I'd planned.

If it wasn't for the tax refunds and the profit-sharing...I don't know. It was bad. God, I hate having bills. I still have some to take care of...and I can't do that living here.

I can't save. I can't buy furniture.

And so how the hell am I going to come up with another 120.00 in rent. It's always about rent.

OK, so I just have to find a cheaper version of what I've got now.

I have to be willing to give up having my own laundry. Or being as close the bus stops as I am.

How much are those worth???

I've submitted a question to the ...whatever you call her, oh, property manager and asked if the rumor I heard about the whole building getting internet access ...not just the lobby....was true or not.

If it is. Then maybe I can swing it. The money I put toward using my phone for internet access could be put toward rent...

And ...

No. The bills. And no saving.

No furniture or rugs.

No making my home a home.

No cruises or Caribbean trips.

But as broke as I am...

Paris.

Paris. (Have I mentioned that I've got a small obsession with the Eiffel Tower these days?)

How can I even think about having a Paris adventure (just go and have one great night and see the ET) while I am moaning and groaning about a rent increase???

And I can't stop thinking about Amsterdam. I regret not taking a canal tour.

How can I justify spending what little spare cash I have on a trip to Europe? (I work for an airline, I should be able to enjoy it every once in awhile...right?)

But god, I hate HATE moving. My body hates moving.

Moving.

The raises I got in January were a good thing but it still isn't enough to get me anywhere other than just surviving.

This is why a very special friend (aka the love of my life) has been expressing his concerns about my renting and continuing to live in this apartment. He knows the rent is killing me and he doesn't like seeing my deprivation. I get it. I finally get it.

So...

Moving.

Time to think about what I like about my home and can I find it anywhere else for less money.

*Sigh*

Here we go again.

Invigorating

So I took a few days "off" last week.

Unintentionally. One day turned into four. :(

I thought it was because I was just overly tired from the excitement of the previous week and maybe a little bit sad about the thing that went down with S after I got home...but then upon further reflection, I thought it had to do with my needing a break from having to keep smiling! And being so happy! and have people ask why I was being so quiet (I'm fucking WORKING!) and now upon even deeper further reflection, I'm now thinking that I was getting...I hate to say it but kind of ...yup, gonna say it...bored.

And it was also because of all of the above.

Either way, I made it through this week -well, most of the week since I do have a Dr. appointment in the middle of the day tomorrow and will miss about a 1/2 day. But other than that. I "sucked it up" and got my ass into work. I need to keep doing that. When I don't, is when my money shit goes to shit.

And I wasn't bored this week. Though right this minute I'm thinking about how I made everything out to be so ...dramatic. And I can probably dial it back. A little bit.

I may get to the only person to work on a booking (we don't do that in my area.) and be in charge of a group that has 1,000 seats on reserve (with potentially twice that amount!) It will be the biggest group I've ever taken care of (take THAT, resume!) It's not a sure thing yet...dependent on factors outside of my control.

But there were other minor issues that I made out to be more than they were. Not everything is life or death in my department. We're an airline. Nothing is life or death (uh, let's hope never the latter as we are an airline.)

But as crazy as it was at times, I loved it and the drama made me feel alive. And it was minor drama, not major. How happy am I that it was minor drama that was enough to perk me up and make me stop dreading going to work so much.

The opportunity to do some things beyond my normal duties is very appealing. And as my mother says, I do need a challenge [every once in a while.] and I'm hoping I don't fuck it up.

And I need to keep the job that is now giving me 3 fucking paid weeks off in a year. And a fairly decent hourly wage (for a non-college grad) and the ability to fly (domestically) for fucking free.

the family.

First, there's J. The best big brother a girl could hope for. I don't know if it's the natural role he feels in being the big brother that makes him so helpful (when I need him :P) or if it's just his general good-warmheartedness ( do I dare say that age is ...mellowing (?) him out a bit?) ...either way, I'm a lucky girl in having someone who has loved me from the start (who is still around) and has done/does his best to be there for me.

I am just thinking about him, and them, the family, and the visit we had yesterday. It'd been a while since I'd been over (and this time around it was post-move (from the 4th floor to the ground floor)) and this visit found them happily settling in. I had suggested we just have a "hang out" kind of visit vs. the usual put-me-to-work kind we usually have. After I got there, it was nice to just spend some time talking with my Mom. It had been a rough week. I had been feeling... out of sorts is the best way to describe it right now and I hadn't gone to work for most of last week. (Um, I guess I probably need to maybe expound upon this particular topic at some point 'eh?)

Then, after J showed up, we watched "Skyfall" (the latest James Bond flick) and had pizza delivered. And then, before he brought me home, he was nice enough to stop at a grocery store so I could pick up a few essentials (TP!)

He's officially going to be moving in with them next weekend. And I'm really happy they will have him there to help. And I will like having him a bit closer. And I like when just the four of us are together. That always reminds me of happier times growing up. So many good memories. (Oh sure, Pop has a temper, but there sure is a whole lotta love he really does feel for us all. (He will grumble, and say "no" even before you ask, but he is the man who will go ahead and wash your comforter for you without your asking him to do it. And he will make you lunch when you mention you haven't eaten anything yet. And he will lend you a few bucks when you need it. And he will give your ass a ride so you don't have to take the bus. And he will take really good care of your mother for you. And he will show he loves you in a million other ways. (This reminds me of a certain special friend who is good at this too. You know who you are.))

And Mom. My mommy. Mummy. She is holding steady at her current weight -which is 40 lbs less than when she was in the hospital this past time. We'll take it. (We all know how hard it is to do.) Because that weight loss has made a big difference in how she is doing physically, which is much better than she was. We'll have to keep encouraging her. (I'll have to keep encouraging her and maybe get some refreshed motivation out of it to take a little better care of myself.) While we were watching the movie, she spent some time brushing my hair and those few moments where I got to be [her] little girl were so ...precious. ([Loving] human touch is so under-appreciated isn't it?)

Oh here's a brilliant idea. I could express these feelings of appreciation and love to the recipients a little bit more often couldn't I? Not just post them here.

So I just sent a text to my brother and an email to my Mom. (Now if I could just get my folks into texting.)

There really are so many people I can express some appreciation for/to. I think I should even send a real thank you note to R & K for their friendship. (There's nothing like a less-than-pleasant...interaction with a friend (S :( ) make me appreciate the friends I have that don't make me feel bad about myself.)

And I could really thank the people I work with for just being so ...great. Supportive and accepting and caring.

So yeah, once again, thinking about how my world really [mostly] is a happy place.

And the areas not so happy? Well, I can work on those.

(And I can hope that I'm done editing this thing so I can post it and get my ass it bed -it's going on 2am!)

because this really IS all about me

I decided to learn how to read the tarot.

Am using learntarot.com for some lessons...

So far so good.

Actually more like holy shit. HOLY SHIT.

Princess of Roses.
Pprincess of Wings
and
reversed 3 of gems.

Holy shit.