Moving again.
Because I'm not making enough money. It always comes down to money.
Fucking money.
So the search is on for the next new home. God, I've had so many that I lost count (last time I counted it was at 26 times at age 36.) I'm trying to look at is as an adventure but it's really hard. What can I live with? What don't I want to live without? Where? And will I be able to afford it.
Where will I end up.
I just want to find a place I never have to move from ever again.
So maybe I'll do a little daydreaming...
1. Dishwasher & proper kitchen to cook in.
2. Air-conditioning
3. Separate bedroom area
4. On the 54 busline
5. Parking for guests
6. Pool, indoor and outdoor
7. Whirlpool
Just for fun I should put those into the search engines/apartement search websites and see what I get ...and how much it costs.
But how do I make more money when I like what I do? (Ooooh. Um, Be right back.)
And then there is the other side of moving, for me. Going through my possessions and deciding what I want to take with me into the next chapter.
And then there is making it official. I'll be sending my notice to vacate by certified mail tomorrow (or Thursday...) and that really means that I have to find and pick a new place. And I need to see places in person.
*sigh*
Here we go again.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Moving. F&*k
The apartments are getting upgrades ...and an increase in rent. Fuck. I can barely handle my current rent.
For some reason I really thought that I could handle it...time for some ...TMI. (also known as why oh why am I revealing the numbers?)
If I work my full 80 hours, my take-home/post-tax & deductions check is around 900.00. My absences, unpaid absences have been cutting into that. (Uh, maybe I ought to examine this eh?)
My rent is 845.00.
I thought that I could oh-so-easily use 1/2 of each paycheck toward rent and that would leave me with easily 400 left for groceries, bus fare, bills and cheap fun.
It hasn't quite gone as I'd planned.
If it wasn't for the tax refunds and the profit-sharing...I don't know. It was bad. God, I hate having bills. I still have some to take care of...and I can't do that living here.
I can't save. I can't buy furniture.
And so how the hell am I going to come up with another 120.00 in rent. It's always about rent.
OK, so I just have to find a cheaper version of what I've got now.
I have to be willing to give up having my own laundry. Or being as close the bus stops as I am.
How much are those worth???
I've submitted a question to the ...whatever you call her, oh, property manager and asked if the rumor I heard about the whole building getting internet access ...not just the lobby....was true or not.
If it is. Then maybe I can swing it. The money I put toward using my phone for internet access could be put toward rent...
And ...
No. The bills. And no saving.
No furniture or rugs.
No making my home a home.
No cruises or Caribbean trips.
But as broke as I am...
Paris.
Paris. (Have I mentioned that I've got a small obsession with the Eiffel Tower these days?)
How can I even think about having a Paris adventure (just go and have one great night and see the ET) while I am moaning and groaning about a rent increase???
And I can't stop thinking about Amsterdam. I regret not taking a canal tour.
How can I justify spending what little spare cash I have on a trip to Europe? (I work for an airline, I should be able to enjoy it every once in awhile...right?)
But god, I hate HATE moving. My body hates moving.
Moving.
The raises I got in January were a good thing but it still isn't enough to get me anywhere other than just surviving.
This is why a very special friend (aka the love of my life) has been expressing his concerns about my renting and continuing to live in this apartment. He knows the rent is killing me and he doesn't like seeing my deprivation. I get it. I finally get it.
So...
Moving.
Time to think about what I like about my home and can I find it anywhere else for less money.
*Sigh*
Here we go again.
For some reason I really thought that I could handle it...time for some ...TMI. (also known as why oh why am I revealing the numbers?)
If I work my full 80 hours, my take-home/post-tax & deductions check is around 900.00. My absences, unpaid absences have been cutting into that. (Uh, maybe I ought to examine this eh?)
My rent is 845.00.
I thought that I could oh-so-easily use 1/2 of each paycheck toward rent and that would leave me with easily 400 left for groceries, bus fare, bills and cheap fun.
It hasn't quite gone as I'd planned.
If it wasn't for the tax refunds and the profit-sharing...I don't know. It was bad. God, I hate having bills. I still have some to take care of...and I can't do that living here.
I can't save. I can't buy furniture.
And so how the hell am I going to come up with another 120.00 in rent. It's always about rent.
OK, so I just have to find a cheaper version of what I've got now.
I have to be willing to give up having my own laundry. Or being as close the bus stops as I am.
How much are those worth???
I've submitted a question to the ...whatever you call her, oh, property manager and asked if the rumor I heard about the whole building getting internet access ...not just the lobby....was true or not.
If it is. Then maybe I can swing it. The money I put toward using my phone for internet access could be put toward rent...
And ...
No. The bills. And no saving.
No furniture or rugs.
No making my home a home.
No cruises or Caribbean trips.
But as broke as I am...
Paris.
Paris. (Have I mentioned that I've got a small obsession with the Eiffel Tower these days?)
How can I even think about having a Paris adventure (just go and have one great night and see the ET) while I am moaning and groaning about a rent increase???
And I can't stop thinking about Amsterdam. I regret not taking a canal tour.
How can I justify spending what little spare cash I have on a trip to Europe? (I work for an airline, I should be able to enjoy it every once in awhile...right?)
But god, I hate HATE moving. My body hates moving.
Moving.
The raises I got in January were a good thing but it still isn't enough to get me anywhere other than just surviving.
This is why a very special friend (aka the love of my life) has been expressing his concerns about my renting and continuing to live in this apartment. He knows the rent is killing me and he doesn't like seeing my deprivation. I get it. I finally get it.
So...
Moving.
Time to think about what I like about my home and can I find it anywhere else for less money.
*Sigh*
Here we go again.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Invigorating
So I took a few days "off" last week.
Unintentionally. One day turned into four. :(
I thought it was because I was just overly tired from the excitement of the previous week and maybe a little bit sad about the thing that went down with S after I got home...but then upon further reflection, I thought it had to do with my needing a break from having to keep smiling! And being so happy! and have people ask why I was being so quiet (I'm fucking WORKING!) and now upon even deeper further reflection, I'm now thinking that I was getting...I hate to say it but kind of ...yup, gonna say it...bored.
And it was also because of all of the above.
Either way, I made it through this week -well, most of the week since I do have a Dr. appointment in the middle of the day tomorrow and will miss about a 1/2 day. But other than that. I "sucked it up" and got my ass into work. I need to keep doing that. When I don't, is when my money shit goes to shit.
And I wasn't bored this week. Though right this minute I'm thinking about how I made everything out to be so ...dramatic. And I can probably dial it back. A little bit.
I may get to the only person to work on a booking (we don't do that in my area.) and be in charge of a group that has 1,000 seats on reserve (with potentially twice that amount!) It will be the biggest group I've ever taken care of (take THAT, resume!) It's not a sure thing yet...dependent on factors outside of my control.
But there were other minor issues that I made out to be more than they were. Not everything is life or death in my department. We're an airline. Nothing is life or death (uh, let's hope never the latter as we are an airline.)
But as crazy as it was at times, I loved it and the drama made me feel alive. And it was minor drama, not major. How happy am I that it was minor drama that was enough to perk me up and make me stop dreading going to work so much.
The opportunity to do some things beyond my normal duties is very appealing. And as my mother says, I do need a challenge [every once in a while.] and I'm hoping I don't fuck it up.
And I need to keep the job that is now giving me 3 fucking paid weeks off in a year. And a fairly decent hourly wage (for a non-college grad) and the ability to fly (domestically) for fucking free.
Unintentionally. One day turned into four. :(
I thought it was because I was just overly tired from the excitement of the previous week and maybe a little bit sad about the thing that went down with S after I got home...but then upon further reflection, I thought it had to do with my needing a break from having to keep smiling! And being so happy! and have people ask why I was being so quiet (I'm fucking WORKING!) and now upon even deeper further reflection, I'm now thinking that I was getting...I hate to say it but kind of ...yup, gonna say it...bored.
And it was also because of all of the above.
Either way, I made it through this week -well, most of the week since I do have a Dr. appointment in the middle of the day tomorrow and will miss about a 1/2 day. But other than that. I "sucked it up" and got my ass into work. I need to keep doing that. When I don't, is when my money shit goes to shit.
And I wasn't bored this week. Though right this minute I'm thinking about how I made everything out to be so ...dramatic. And I can probably dial it back. A little bit.
I may get to the only person to work on a booking (we don't do that in my area.) and be in charge of a group that has 1,000 seats on reserve (with potentially twice that amount!) It will be the biggest group I've ever taken care of (take THAT, resume!) It's not a sure thing yet...dependent on factors outside of my control.
But there were other minor issues that I made out to be more than they were. Not everything is life or death in my department. We're an airline. Nothing is life or death (uh, let's hope never the latter as we are an airline.)
But as crazy as it was at times, I loved it and the drama made me feel alive. And it was minor drama, not major. How happy am I that it was minor drama that was enough to perk me up and make me stop dreading going to work so much.
The opportunity to do some things beyond my normal duties is very appealing. And as my mother says, I do need a challenge [every once in a while.] and I'm hoping I don't fuck it up.
And I need to keep the job that is now giving me 3 fucking paid weeks off in a year. And a fairly decent hourly wage (for a non-college grad) and the ability to fly (domestically) for fucking free.
Monday, March 4, 2013
the family.
First, there's J. The best big brother a girl could hope for. I don't know if it's the natural role he feels in being the big brother that makes him so helpful (when I need him :P) or if it's just his general good-warmheartedness ( do I dare say that age is ...mellowing (?) him out a bit?) ...either way, I'm a lucky girl in having someone who has loved me from the start (who is still around) and has done/does his best to be there for me.
I am just thinking about him, and them, the family, and the visit we had yesterday. It'd been a while since I'd been over (and this time around it was post-move (from the 4th floor to the ground floor)) and this visit found them happily settling in. I had suggested we just have a "hang out" kind of visit vs. the usual put-me-to-work kind we usually have. After I got there, it was nice to just spend some time talking with my Mom. It had been a rough week. I had been feeling... out of sorts is the best way to describe it right now and I hadn't gone to work for most of last week. (Um, I guess I probably need to maybe expound upon this particular topic at some point 'eh?)
Then, after J showed up, we watched "Skyfall" (the latest James Bond flick) and had pizza delivered. And then, before he brought me home, he was nice enough to stop at a grocery store so I could pick up a few essentials (TP!)
He's officially going to be moving in with them next weekend. And I'm really happy they will have him there to help. And I will like having him a bit closer. And I like when just the four of us are together. That always reminds me of happier times growing up. So many good memories. (Oh sure, Pop has a temper, but there sure is a whole lotta love he really does feel for us all. (He will grumble, and say "no" even before you ask, but he is the man who will go ahead and wash your comforter for you without your asking him to do it. And he will make you lunch when you mention you haven't eaten anything yet. And he will lend you a few bucks when you need it. And he will give your ass a ride so you don't have to take the bus. And he will take really good care of your mother for you. And he will show he loves you in a million other ways. (This reminds me of a certain special friend who is good at this too. You know who you are.))
And Mom. My mommy. Mummy. She is holding steady at her current weight -which is 40 lbs less than when she was in the hospital this past time. We'll take it. (We all know how hard it is to do.) Because that weight loss has made a big difference in how she is doing physically, which is much better than she was. We'll have to keep encouraging her. (I'll have to keep encouraging her and maybe get some refreshed motivation out of it to take a little better care of myself.) While we were watching the movie, she spent some time brushing my hair and those few moments where I got to be [her] little girl were so ...precious. ([Loving] human touch is so under-appreciated isn't it?)
Oh here's a brilliant idea. I could express these feelings of appreciation and love to the recipients a little bit more often couldn't I? Not just post them here.
So I just sent a text to my brother and an email to my Mom. (Now if I could just get my folks into texting.)
There really are so many people I can express some appreciation for/to. I think I should even send a real thank you note to R & K for their friendship. (There's nothing like a less-than-pleasant...interaction with a friend (S :( ) make me appreciate the friends I have that don't make me feel bad about myself.)
And I could really thank the people I work with for just being so ...great. Supportive and accepting and caring.
So yeah, once again, thinking about how my world really [mostly] is a happy place.
And the areas not so happy? Well, I can work on those.
(And I can hope that I'm done editing this thing so I can post it and get my ass it bed -it's going on 2am!)
I am just thinking about him, and them, the family, and the visit we had yesterday. It'd been a while since I'd been over (and this time around it was post-move (from the 4th floor to the ground floor)) and this visit found them happily settling in. I had suggested we just have a "hang out" kind of visit vs. the usual put-me-to-work kind we usually have. After I got there, it was nice to just spend some time talking with my Mom. It had been a rough week. I had been feeling... out of sorts is the best way to describe it right now and I hadn't gone to work for most of last week. (Um, I guess I probably need to maybe expound upon this particular topic at some point 'eh?)
Then, after J showed up, we watched "Skyfall" (the latest James Bond flick) and had pizza delivered. And then, before he brought me home, he was nice enough to stop at a grocery store so I could pick up a few essentials (TP!)
He's officially going to be moving in with them next weekend. And I'm really happy they will have him there to help. And I will like having him a bit closer. And I like when just the four of us are together. That always reminds me of happier times growing up. So many good memories. (Oh sure, Pop has a temper, but there sure is a whole lotta love he really does feel for us all. (He will grumble, and say "no" even before you ask, but he is the man who will go ahead and wash your comforter for you without your asking him to do it. And he will make you lunch when you mention you haven't eaten anything yet. And he will lend you a few bucks when you need it. And he will give your ass a ride so you don't have to take the bus. And he will take really good care of your mother for you. And he will show he loves you in a million other ways. (This reminds me of a certain special friend who is good at this too. You know who you are.))
And Mom. My mommy. Mummy. She is holding steady at her current weight -which is 40 lbs less than when she was in the hospital this past time. We'll take it. (We all know how hard it is to do.) Because that weight loss has made a big difference in how she is doing physically, which is much better than she was. We'll have to keep encouraging her. (I'll have to keep encouraging her and maybe get some refreshed motivation out of it to take a little better care of myself.) While we were watching the movie, she spent some time brushing my hair and those few moments where I got to be [her] little girl were so ...precious. ([Loving] human touch is so under-appreciated isn't it?)
Oh here's a brilliant idea. I could express these feelings of appreciation and love to the recipients a little bit more often couldn't I? Not just post them here.
So I just sent a text to my brother and an email to my Mom. (Now if I could just get my folks into texting.)
There really are so many people I can express some appreciation for/to. I think I should even send a real thank you note to R & K for their friendship. (There's nothing like a less-than-pleasant...interaction with a friend (S :( ) make me appreciate the friends I have that don't make me feel bad about myself.)
And I could really thank the people I work with for just being so ...great. Supportive and accepting and caring.
So yeah, once again, thinking about how my world really [mostly] is a happy place.
And the areas not so happy? Well, I can work on those.
(And I can hope that I'm done editing this thing so I can post it and get my ass it bed -it's going on 2am!)
Saturday, March 2, 2013
because this really IS all about me
I decided to learn how to read the tarot.
Am using learntarot.com for some lessons...
So far so good.
Actually more like holy shit. HOLY SHIT.
Princess of Roses.
Pprincess of Wings
and
reversed 3 of gems.
Holy shit.
Am using learntarot.com for some lessons...
So far so good.
Actually more like holy shit. HOLY SHIT.
Princess of Roses.
Pprincess of Wings
and
reversed 3 of gems.
Holy shit.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Good Things Happen to Good People.
A new [FB] friend just made that comment to a status update I made a little while ago.
I left my Kindle on the plane coming back from SAN on Friday (I didn't realize I had done that until Saturday night!) and just got a call today that it was turned in.
The comment about good people was posted by this man DJ I met on Wednesday in SAN. He was at the bar we were celebrating S's birthday at after seeing "Moulin Rouge" on the big screen at Birch North Park Theatre earlier that evening. We just clicked right away (or is it that he let me be me, Queen Interruptus?)
Anyway -nice and a bit...dramatic (his post on can't do anything right...) And then he made the good person comment.
Even though he just met me, I'm taking it as a compliment. :P
That is so good to hear, in light of a recent little melodrama with me and my emotional response to a message from the Birthday Boy. He told me something I did...wrong and I decided to take it badly. I was doubting my worth as a person.
But instead of continuing to be hurt by it, I'm going to use this as reminder that a person shouldn't take things personally from friends who love you and truly have your best interests at heart. I'm going to choose to feel the love and not get so defensive. I'm going to see what are some things I can get out of the experience that will help me grow as a person.
So I have mentioned that I'm on this ...learning to be a better person kick...right? And part of being a good person, to me anyway, is being unselfish. And part of being unselfish is thinking about what is someone else thinking/feeling. It's caring about what is important to someone else and wanting to make them happy.
A week ago today, I was looking forward to spending some time with some important people. People who make me want to be that better person. People who I love and for some strange reason (! :P) love me back.
Getting to spend time with people that have known me ...forever it seems ...is such a good thing. The comfort of being with those with whom you can be yourself with is a gift.
This is a another reason for me to like my life. Because I've got such great people in it. I want them to be happy too. Or at least content.
A Google search brought me to some great articles about being a good friend, how to show sincere interest in others and because there are some friendships I want to renew (and some I don't) how to end a friendship (or when it's time to know when to end one) ...good, balanced thoughts on all of the subjects. (This is why I heart Google.)
OK, now it's time to get out of my head. Though I'm not sure what to do with myself next.
Maybe just get back to getting up each and every day and focus on putting one foot in front of the other (slowly, damn these bad knees!)
And maybe time to think about finally joining the Y. (Damn those bad knees!) Home day today. (Damn those bad knees.) I think this would be a great week to try out the fitness room in the building -see if that will be fun and interesting and helpful enough to get me motivated to start caring about my physical self again.
*sigh*
I left my Kindle on the plane coming back from SAN on Friday (I didn't realize I had done that until Saturday night!) and just got a call today that it was turned in.
The comment about good people was posted by this man DJ I met on Wednesday in SAN. He was at the bar we were celebrating S's birthday at after seeing "Moulin Rouge" on the big screen at Birch North Park Theatre earlier that evening. We just clicked right away (or is it that he let me be me, Queen Interruptus?)
Anyway -nice and a bit...dramatic (his post on can't do anything right...) And then he made the good person comment.
Even though he just met me, I'm taking it as a compliment. :P
That is so good to hear, in light of a recent little melodrama with me and my emotional response to a message from the Birthday Boy. He told me something I did...wrong and I decided to take it badly. I was doubting my worth as a person.
But instead of continuing to be hurt by it, I'm going to use this as reminder that a person shouldn't take things personally from friends who love you and truly have your best interests at heart. I'm going to choose to feel the love and not get so defensive. I'm going to see what are some things I can get out of the experience that will help me grow as a person.
So I have mentioned that I'm on this ...learning to be a better person kick...right? And part of being a good person, to me anyway, is being unselfish. And part of being unselfish is thinking about what is someone else thinking/feeling. It's caring about what is important to someone else and wanting to make them happy.
A week ago today, I was looking forward to spending some time with some important people. People who make me want to be that better person. People who I love and for some strange reason (! :P) love me back.
Getting to spend time with people that have known me ...forever it seems ...is such a good thing. The comfort of being with those with whom you can be yourself with is a gift.
This is a another reason for me to like my life. Because I've got such great people in it. I want them to be happy too. Or at least content.
A Google search brought me to some great articles about being a good friend, how to show sincere interest in others and because there are some friendships I want to renew (and some I don't) how to end a friendship (or when it's time to know when to end one) ...good, balanced thoughts on all of the subjects. (This is why I heart Google.)
OK, now it's time to get out of my head. Though I'm not sure what to do with myself next.
Maybe just get back to getting up each and every day and focus on putting one foot in front of the other (slowly, damn these bad knees!)
And maybe time to think about finally joining the Y. (Damn those bad knees!) Home day today. (Damn those bad knees.) I think this would be a great week to try out the fitness room in the building -see if that will be fun and interesting and helpful enough to get me motivated to start caring about my physical self again.
*sigh*
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
stop me if you think that you've heard this one before
A certain someone I know likes to remind me -when I forget -that my world IS a happy place.
Maybe no one else would make the choices I have but I'm sure glad of them.
I have so fucking much to be grateful for. And not just things that I should be thankful for. Shit. Does that make sense?
It might not. I'm so ...happy right now. And I don't know where to begin.
I know so many people that are the coolest, awesome people. Friends, family, FB acquaintances, co-workers. Random strangers.
My problem isn't that I'm self-centered/involved/think I'm so wonderful, it's that I think EVERYONE is wonderful...including me.
Wait. Was that a Freudian slip ...isn't my problem that I think I'm not so wonderful and I wonder why people put up with me [if I'm so self-centered]??
Whoa. Let's just stop right there and get back to thinking about the things I'm grateful for.
*I'm grateful for profit sharing money and tax refunds that enabled to me to get some monkeys off my back, money-wise.
*I'm grateful I work for an airline -and with any luck, I'll be in San Diego 24 hours from now. S's birthday is tomorrow. He managed to get the day off and is making an event of it.
*I'm grateful I have a valentine. While I feel love all the time, from so many places in my life, there is nothing quite like someone telling you they love you on a day that is...a day they can with words, on paper. :P
*I'm grateful my parents were able to move into a new apartment, in the same building, but now on the ground floor, with a deck. (And that I didn't have to help clean the old one.)
*I'm grateful I got a chance to sit with one of the newbies at work, L, and talk to her about the job & try to give some of the benefit of my experience.. And she's a really awesome woman. I hope we'll become friends.
*I'm grateful I have my own washer and dryer. I've got to do at least one load of laundry before leaving town (need knickers.)
You know, I think Oprah was right about the whole "keeping a gratitude journal" thing. I've had diaries and journals ever since I was 10 and got my very first diary.
Ah, memories. That first one was one I got it from this woman, Pauline, who lived in the same apartment building back around Christmas, 1980. It was 5 year diary, with a lock and a key. And to me it was ...the best present I'd ever received (besides my buddy bear, but that's a post for another time). I've loved having that outlet for expressing myself since then.
Maybe that's what the new theme of the blog will be...gratitude. Daily (Weekly? Monthly?) gratitude.
Maybe no one else would make the choices I have but I'm sure glad of them.
I have so fucking much to be grateful for. And not just things that I should be thankful for. Shit. Does that make sense?
It might not. I'm so ...happy right now. And I don't know where to begin.
I know so many people that are the coolest, awesome people. Friends, family, FB acquaintances, co-workers. Random strangers.
My problem isn't that I'm self-centered/involved/think I'm so wonderful, it's that I think EVERYONE is wonderful...including me.
Wait. Was that a Freudian slip ...isn't my problem that I think I'm not so wonderful and I wonder why people put up with me [if I'm so self-centered]??
Whoa. Let's just stop right there and get back to thinking about the things I'm grateful for.
*I'm grateful for profit sharing money and tax refunds that enabled to me to get some monkeys off my back, money-wise.
*I'm grateful I work for an airline -and with any luck, I'll be in San Diego 24 hours from now. S's birthday is tomorrow. He managed to get the day off and is making an event of it.
*I'm grateful I have a valentine. While I feel love all the time, from so many places in my life, there is nothing quite like someone telling you they love you on a day that is...a day they can with words, on paper. :P
*I'm grateful my parents were able to move into a new apartment, in the same building, but now on the ground floor, with a deck. (And that I didn't have to help clean the old one.)
*I'm grateful I got a chance to sit with one of the newbies at work, L, and talk to her about the job & try to give some of the benefit of my experience.. And she's a really awesome woman. I hope we'll become friends.
*I'm grateful I have my own washer and dryer. I've got to do at least one load of laundry before leaving town (need knickers.)
You know, I think Oprah was right about the whole "keeping a gratitude journal" thing. I've had diaries and journals ever since I was 10 and got my very first diary.
Ah, memories. That first one was one I got it from this woman, Pauline, who lived in the same apartment building back around Christmas, 1980. It was 5 year diary, with a lock and a key. And to me it was ...the best present I'd ever received (besides my buddy bear, but that's a post for another time). I've loved having that outlet for expressing myself since then.
Maybe that's what the new theme of the blog will be...gratitude. Daily (Weekly? Monthly?) gratitude.
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She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!