I hung out a bit with the "gang" (the neighbors in the building that I've gotten friendly with ...the couples.) and I am going to observe them. I find other couples fascinating. I think it will be helpful for me to pay attention to others for a change.
Ha!
I mean, geez, did I really just type that?
We'll see if this post ever gets published is all I'm saying.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
bad daughter?
Have I mentioned that my parent's can be impulsive people (so THAT'S where I get that from too! To think about the things about us that we got from the people that raised us is 'nother topic for 'nother day...maybe.)
Anyway...in light of my mother's health problems -oh actually both of their health problems -Pop's got a hernia (that he's waiting to get surgery on until he's got health insurance again (in April he turns 65 and becomes eligible for ...Medicare)) -they've decided that they're going to move back to a 2 bedroom apartment and this time get permission to have my brother live with them to help take care of them. (They live in a 55+ building that doesn't allow anyone under 55 to live there -not even with those who are. (This involves getting a note from my mother's doctor that says it's medically necessary for my brother to live there, as a live in aid to help my Pop out in taking care of her.))
And all I can feel is a BIG load of ...relief. That he's been picked to help take care of them instead of me. (It helps that he's also attending meetings.)
And THAT has got to be the most selfish thought I've ever had in my life (and I've had a LOT.)
And they're all moving forward with this -with moving apartments and my brother giving up his apartment and breaking the lease. And they're aiming for February. As in like 3 or so weeks away!
And then what also blows my mind ...actually what I envy, is that my mother has found the kind of love that includes someone taking care of her. Someone to love her so much they're sticking around.
I'm a bit envious of that right now as for some reason my back has decided to say "fuck you for not keeping up with your excercises/physical activity" and is acting up and it's one of those times I wish I had someone taking care of me.
I know I'm not really a bad daughter. My mother even said that there are things I can do for them that Jason can't (computer/internet stuff apparently counts.)
So I'll take it and do what I can, where and when I can.
And it's time to remember that there was a reason PT helped. Because it was getting me off my butt. I was staying active. The exercises prescribed kept the pain down to a minimum.
Fuck.
Why does it have to come in fits and starts -the desire to stay active? Why can't it just be a constant thing? Maybe it's time to do some Google reading on being active (or I could get off my butt and do some of the easier exercises to get my body moving couldn't I??)
It's a new year and I do like the idea of fresh starts. Time to think about some goals.
Anyway...in light of my mother's health problems -oh actually both of their health problems -Pop's got a hernia (that he's waiting to get surgery on until he's got health insurance again (in April he turns 65 and becomes eligible for ...Medicare)) -they've decided that they're going to move back to a 2 bedroom apartment and this time get permission to have my brother live with them to help take care of them. (They live in a 55+ building that doesn't allow anyone under 55 to live there -not even with those who are. (This involves getting a note from my mother's doctor that says it's medically necessary for my brother to live there, as a live in aid to help my Pop out in taking care of her.))
And all I can feel is a BIG load of ...relief. That he's been picked to help take care of them instead of me. (It helps that he's also attending meetings.)
And THAT has got to be the most selfish thought I've ever had in my life (and I've had a LOT.)
And they're all moving forward with this -with moving apartments and my brother giving up his apartment and breaking the lease. And they're aiming for February. As in like 3 or so weeks away!
And then what also blows my mind ...actually what I envy, is that my mother has found the kind of love that includes someone taking care of her. Someone to love her so much they're sticking around.
I'm a bit envious of that right now as for some reason my back has decided to say "fuck you for not keeping up with your excercises/physical activity" and is acting up and it's one of those times I wish I had someone taking care of me.
I know I'm not really a bad daughter. My mother even said that there are things I can do for them that Jason can't (computer/internet stuff apparently counts.)
So I'll take it and do what I can, where and when I can.
And it's time to remember that there was a reason PT helped. Because it was getting me off my butt. I was staying active. The exercises prescribed kept the pain down to a minimum.
Fuck.
Why does it have to come in fits and starts -the desire to stay active? Why can't it just be a constant thing? Maybe it's time to do some Google reading on being active (or I could get off my butt and do some of the easier exercises to get my body moving couldn't I??)
It's a new year and I do like the idea of fresh starts. Time to think about some goals.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2013 - a new year.
I was initially kind of dreading New Year's Eve. I'm always sad because I can't kiss the person I want to at midnight (maybe someday I'll get over that.)
But this year, it was good. And this post will be about the reason it was good. It will be about a friend I have that I've never mentioned before.
Once upon a time (OK, back in '05) I met this woman riding the bus and we became friends. (She was also a BBW and liked my messenger bag with the Venus logo on it.) Her name was Margaret.
Around this time frame in my life I was reading a lot of Anne Rice, including her little known novel, "Exit to Eden".
This was really my first introduction to the alternative lifestyle of BDSM. Great book (well, she's a good writer in general too.) I was intrigued and curious and thought OK. Different strokes (ha ha) for different folks.
It turns out that Margaret was married and that was their thing.
My questions and interest led to her thinking I should talk with her friend M. He was a Dom but interested in being a Sub.
You know, it just occurred to me that this post might be about things I wouldn't normally share here. Lest I shock anyone ...but fuck it. This is ME. I have to keep on being really truly me and not feel defensive or apologetic. I can't have these ...things happen in my life and not share them. And I'm fairly sure my mother isn't reading this. (I copied the letter to her onto a separate document for her to read when I was at their place last Sunday.)
OK, so where was I?
M and I talked on the phone and emailed for weeks -he lived in WI at the time. He's a librarian and had been able to recommended reading on the topic of dominance and submission from the female's point of view aka being a mistress. And I read all of it.
I thought it all sounded good. Being able to be fully in control and explore that side of myself.
Now of course sometimes reading about something is completely different from experiencing the reality. But then finally the time came when were to meet in person. After having had some intimate, personal and deep conversations, I knew I really liked him as a person and was looking forward to seeing what would happen. Trust is a huge part of any BDSM relationship and I was feeling confident that we'd laid a good foundation down in having gotten to know each other via those phone calls and emails.
(Note: While I was feeling good about him, I was also so nervous before that first time that I wrote up a list of questions/concerns I had about that meeting. That list eventually made it in to a book "To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us" - by Sasha Cagen ... Is that like the coolest thing ever?!)
I'll not go into all the details but suffice it to say that it turns out that I really wasn't ready or willing to be a Mistress. But it did lead to him being another man who I would know for years. No romantic relationship came out of the experience but a real friendship did. Fast forward to today and this was the 4th NYE I spent with him.
He's been living out of town most of the time I've known him but obviously we've been keeping in touch. So this year, he was again in town to visit his Dad for the holidays, and so like other years, it's now officially become a regular thing to hang out with him on NYE. We would have hung out last year too but he cancelled because he picked up a bad cold. The year before that -don't remember why we didn't get together, but the year before THAT was the year I chose going to Amsterdam instead (as I was teasingly reminded.)
While I was initially wishy-washy on him (even tried to reschedule at the last minute,) it turns out that I'm glad we hung out. It was great to see him. He was good company. I commented to him that he seemed ...lighter and I really meant it. He seemed happier and more relaxed than I remember him being. Being in his forties agrees with him.
During conversation and telling him about some of the latest "new" friends I'd made, this topic came up - because of that experience with DD. That was kind of his thing. (I did mention that...right?)
One of the reasons I like him is that I can talk to him about anything. (God, what a gift that is.) It's always been easy to talk to him about whatever. He makes me feel very safe and comfortable in this friendship. And he's got a gift with the sarcasm... that isn't mean or cruel. He's funny and intelligent. I won't lie that I was sad that it didn't turn out to be a romantic relationship. (But as that is the way it usually goes with the men I find interesting, I've dealt with it.)
Anyway ...so we ended up talking more about the topic of BDSM and I learned a little bit more about him -him as a Dom. And I'm now kind of wondering if I might want to explore the Sub side of things.
Find someone that I trust and respect who might want to explore this with me.
I think that is one of the joys of being an adult. Being able to try new things as you discover who you are. And I think there is something interesting about someone else being in charge of me and making decisions for me.
Oh sure, there are a lot of elements to it all, including the sexual component, but so far, that all still appeals to me too. I've been spanked. I didn't hate it.
So welcome to 2013. A new year full of new possibilities.
But this year, it was good. And this post will be about the reason it was good. It will be about a friend I have that I've never mentioned before.
Once upon a time (OK, back in '05) I met this woman riding the bus and we became friends. (She was also a BBW and liked my messenger bag with the Venus logo on it.) Her name was Margaret.
Around this time frame in my life I was reading a lot of Anne Rice, including her little known novel, "Exit to Eden".
This was really my first introduction to the alternative lifestyle of BDSM. Great book (well, she's a good writer in general too.) I was intrigued and curious and thought OK. Different strokes (ha ha) for different folks.
It turns out that Margaret was married and that was their thing.
My questions and interest led to her thinking I should talk with her friend M. He was a Dom but interested in being a Sub.
You know, it just occurred to me that this post might be about things I wouldn't normally share here. Lest I shock anyone ...but fuck it. This is ME. I have to keep on being really truly me and not feel defensive or apologetic. I can't have these ...things happen in my life and not share them. And I'm fairly sure my mother isn't reading this. (I copied the letter to her onto a separate document for her to read when I was at their place last Sunday.)
OK, so where was I?
M and I talked on the phone and emailed for weeks -he lived in WI at the time. He's a librarian and had been able to recommended reading on the topic of dominance and submission from the female's point of view aka being a mistress. And I read all of it.
I thought it all sounded good. Being able to be fully in control and explore that side of myself.
Now of course sometimes reading about something is completely different from experiencing the reality. But then finally the time came when were to meet in person. After having had some intimate, personal and deep conversations, I knew I really liked him as a person and was looking forward to seeing what would happen. Trust is a huge part of any BDSM relationship and I was feeling confident that we'd laid a good foundation down in having gotten to know each other via those phone calls and emails.
(Note: While I was feeling good about him, I was also so nervous before that first time that I wrote up a list of questions/concerns I had about that meeting. That list eventually made it in to a book "To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us" - by Sasha Cagen ... Is that like the coolest thing ever?!)
I'll not go into all the details but suffice it to say that it turns out that I really wasn't ready or willing to be a Mistress. But it did lead to him being another man who I would know for years. No romantic relationship came out of the experience but a real friendship did. Fast forward to today and this was the 4th NYE I spent with him.
He's been living out of town most of the time I've known him but obviously we've been keeping in touch. So this year, he was again in town to visit his Dad for the holidays, and so like other years, it's now officially become a regular thing to hang out with him on NYE. We would have hung out last year too but he cancelled because he picked up a bad cold. The year before that -don't remember why we didn't get together, but the year before THAT was the year I chose going to Amsterdam instead (as I was teasingly reminded.)
While I was initially wishy-washy on him (even tried to reschedule at the last minute,) it turns out that I'm glad we hung out. It was great to see him. He was good company. I commented to him that he seemed ...lighter and I really meant it. He seemed happier and more relaxed than I remember him being. Being in his forties agrees with him.
During conversation and telling him about some of the latest "new" friends I'd made, this topic came up - because of that experience with DD. That was kind of his thing. (I did mention that...right?)
One of the reasons I like him is that I can talk to him about anything. (God, what a gift that is.) It's always been easy to talk to him about whatever. He makes me feel very safe and comfortable in this friendship. And he's got a gift with the sarcasm... that isn't mean or cruel. He's funny and intelligent. I won't lie that I was sad that it didn't turn out to be a romantic relationship. (But as that is the way it usually goes with the men I find interesting, I've dealt with it.)
Anyway ...so we ended up talking more about the topic of BDSM and I learned a little bit more about him -him as a Dom. And I'm now kind of wondering if I might want to explore the Sub side of things.
Find someone that I trust and respect who might want to explore this with me.
I think that is one of the joys of being an adult. Being able to try new things as you discover who you are. And I think there is something interesting about someone else being in charge of me and making decisions for me.
Oh sure, there are a lot of elements to it all, including the sexual component, but so far, that all still appeals to me too. I've been spanked. I didn't hate it.
So welcome to 2013. A new year full of new possibilities.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
That's Heavy, Man Part II/End
OK, now where was I?
Oh, that's right. Things I was grateful for in 2012:
6. That while my apartment isn't fancy, it's filled with things I love.
7. That's I've met some cool people in this part of town. That I'm a social person in this town (according to me anyway! :P ) even if it's only to have made new, in person, acquaintances.
8. That I've had a steady supply of ...happy.
9. That I've got some really great co-workers. God, without great people around you at a place you spend a 1/4 of your life at -ugh, don't even want to think about it.
10. That I've had some small adventures.
11. That Ryan and Kari got married. And they're so great together and I'm really happy they found someone who loves them exactly as they are (and I know what that feels like.)
12. I love the remote for my iPod. 2 of the many electronic devices I'm glad were invented.
13. I'm grateful for this ...having this blog. I've finally really realized I do this to hear myself talk.
14. I'm grateful the bus is only a block away. Purposely planned that. That is main criteria for living with/on public transportation. It sometimes takes everything I've got to get up and go to the job I mostly like and knowing I only have a block to go when it's cold out is great.
15. I've been loving that I have so much music on said iPod. I hope my neighbors don't mind the volume I play music. Shit. I wonder if I should say something ...I've actually been wondering about that. Oooh, good, another subject to Google. ...OK, I'm back. And think it will be a good idea to slip 'em a note -on a happy new year card. Maybe.
And I just moved my iPod boom-box. To the window.
16. cobornsdelivers.com. I love love love that I can have groceries delivered. Again, all part of that living on public transportation thing.
17. internet access in the lobby. Though I feel self-conscious when I'm down there because I'm the only one I've ever seen use it, except for a neighbor, Colleen, once.
18. My phone. I love my phone.
19. Love I have in my life. A love like I've never known before.
And so many many other things.
Oh, that's right. Things I was grateful for in 2012:
6. That while my apartment isn't fancy, it's filled with things I love.
7. That's I've met some cool people in this part of town. That I'm a social person in this town (according to me anyway! :P ) even if it's only to have made new, in person, acquaintances.
8. That I've had a steady supply of ...happy.
9. That I've got some really great co-workers. God, without great people around you at a place you spend a 1/4 of your life at -ugh, don't even want to think about it.
10. That I've had some small adventures.
11. That Ryan and Kari got married. And they're so great together and I'm really happy they found someone who loves them exactly as they are (and I know what that feels like.)
12. I love the remote for my iPod. 2 of the many electronic devices I'm glad were invented.
13. I'm grateful for this ...having this blog. I've finally really realized I do this to hear myself talk.
14. I'm grateful the bus is only a block away. Purposely planned that. That is main criteria for living with/on public transportation. It sometimes takes everything I've got to get up and go to the job I mostly like and knowing I only have a block to go when it's cold out is great.
15. I've been loving that I have so much music on said iPod. I hope my neighbors don't mind the volume I play music. Shit. I wonder if I should say something ...I've actually been wondering about that. Oooh, good, another subject to Google. ...OK, I'm back. And think it will be a good idea to slip 'em a note -on a happy new year card. Maybe.
And I just moved my iPod boom-box. To the window.
16. cobornsdelivers.com. I love love love that I can have groceries delivered. Again, all part of that living on public transportation thing.
17. internet access in the lobby. Though I feel self-conscious when I'm down there because I'm the only one I've ever seen use it, except for a neighbor, Colleen, once.
18. My phone. I love my phone.
19. Love I have in my life. A love like I've never known before.
And so many many other things.
Letter to Mom Part II/End.
So where were we?
That's right. You were in the hospital. And now you're back home.
I just sent you a text -now that I know you know how. Trust me, it's a good thing. I'll stay in better touch with you if you text. Sorry to say it, but texting has become my favorite way to communicate. I only do it with certain people -the people, the friends I'm closest with in life.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I tried to mix the two. I mean, the friends I have at this stage in my life have never met you. And I'm soooo the product of you both.
Anyway -where was I? Oh yeah, the text I sent you ..I told you that I'm happy you survived another hospital stay.
And that I'm not ready to lose you. I'll never be ready to lose you. As much as we're different and we've had our ups and downs, you're ...mommy.
I can't stand the thought of losing you. I get why Pop thinks life would be unbearable without you and I agree 100%. Dammit, I didn't want to cry.
I guess the only good thing to come out of these ...experiences is that I'm reminded I need to be a grateful daughter.
And be grateful for both of you.
OK, enough with that.
You've got another chance to do it right. Or do I mean again. You're smart and this would be a good time to be stubborn. And I could do with the example to eat better and be active. We both have these bodies that challenge us but we cannot let that stop us can we?
I really would love to live closer to you guys ...like a block away. Walking distance basically. Someday maybe.
Anyway, this has gone on long enough and I'll just say that I love you and will say a prayer of thanks.
Kristi
That's right. You were in the hospital. And now you're back home.
I just sent you a text -now that I know you know how. Trust me, it's a good thing. I'll stay in better touch with you if you text. Sorry to say it, but texting has become my favorite way to communicate. I only do it with certain people -the people, the friends I'm closest with in life.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I tried to mix the two. I mean, the friends I have at this stage in my life have never met you. And I'm soooo the product of you both.
Anyway -where was I? Oh yeah, the text I sent you ..I told you that I'm happy you survived another hospital stay.
And that I'm not ready to lose you. I'll never be ready to lose you. As much as we're different and we've had our ups and downs, you're ...mommy.
I can't stand the thought of losing you. I get why Pop thinks life would be unbearable without you and I agree 100%. Dammit, I didn't want to cry.
I guess the only good thing to come out of these ...experiences is that I'm reminded I need to be a grateful daughter.
And be grateful for both of you.
OK, enough with that.
You've got another chance to do it right. Or do I mean again. You're smart and this would be a good time to be stubborn. And I could do with the example to eat better and be active. We both have these bodies that challenge us but we cannot let that stop us can we?
I really would love to live closer to you guys ...like a block away. Walking distance basically. Someday maybe.
Anyway, this has gone on long enough and I'll just say that I love you and will say a prayer of thanks.
Kristi
That's Heavy, Man.
Why oh why am feeling so bummed out lately? I'm not remembering of all the things I'm grateful for and only dwelling on the sad.
Hmm. Reflective post due to the approaching new year? Maybe.
Saw SD today. He's started seeing someone. I admit I was dreading this day. Even though I knew we were ever only going to be friends and that feels like something I've been through a millions times over and that's that they ALL end up being only friends, not my love. Starting with my love -a love that really isn't mine.
OK, OK, time to start focusing on the positive - in the form of the things I was grateful for in 2012.
In no particular order:
1. I still have a job that I mostly like.
2. I have a great roof over my head -even if it's out of my price range.
3. I've got really really good friends -the absolute best. (You know who you are.)
4. My mother has survived yet another hospital stay. God. I am so fucking grateful for that. I'm so NOT ready to lose her.
to be continued! Have to finish the letter to her!
Hmm. Reflective post due to the approaching new year? Maybe.
Saw SD today. He's started seeing someone. I admit I was dreading this day. Even though I knew we were ever only going to be friends and that feels like something I've been through a millions times over and that's that they ALL end up being only friends, not my love. Starting with my love -a love that really isn't mine.
OK, OK, time to start focusing on the positive - in the form of the things I was grateful for in 2012.
In no particular order:
1. I still have a job that I mostly like.
2. I have a great roof over my head -even if it's out of my price range.
3. I've got really really good friends -the absolute best. (You know who you are.)
4. My mother has survived yet another hospital stay. God. I am so fucking grateful for that. I'm so NOT ready to lose her.
to be continued! Have to finish the letter to her!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Letter to Mom
Hi Mom,
You're in the hospital again.
*sigh* (sad and deep.)
Tonight after I got home from seeing you, I had this crazy idea. Since you don't get to read my writing very often I thought I'd write you a letter. For some reason it's important to me that you read MY writing for a change. I want you to read my words and be proud of me. (Oh, I know you're proud of me but I want you to be proud of something outside of my being your daughter.)
It's been a rough year for you. I can't even imagine having to deal with the pain and suffering you've been experiencing.
I find myself wanting to learn everything I can about the latest news -diabetes. I've already started doing some Googling about it. I'm reading encouraging things.
You said tonight that people comment about how they admire your willingness to keep going and I agree with them 100%. I know it's not always easy, but one of the many things I love about you is that you aren't giving up. You have survived so much shit in your life.
You deserve a break and you just don't seem to be getting one do you?
So while I think the rest of this may attempt to focus on appreciating all of the wonderful things you've got in your life, I think it's only fair (and dare I say healthy?) to go ahead and have a good old tantrum and rage against how unfair it is. Especially since you've been working hard on eating better and staying active.
Go ahead. I'll wait. Scream, cry, bitch, whine, moan...wail to the heavens above about how much more do you have to endure. (Um, I guess we could call this your Jobs wife (?) moment because he stayed chill right?)
It's not fair. I'm beyond pissed that all of this is happening to you. You're my mommy. You're my beautiful, interesting, intelligent, young, beautiful mommy. You're far from perfect -like the rest of us -but you're one of the most the fascinating women I've ever known.
So here's some good news about diabetes.
Diabetes is not a death sentence, Far from it. It takes work to know what it's all about and self-discipline to make it something you can live with, but it's totally doable.
I realize, this may end up being just like the congestive heart failure diagnosis and you're going to be tired of hearing about it, thinking about it and talking about it ...but here's the thing. YOU have to learn about it. YOU have to be the one in control of it.
Pop needs your help. He'll need you to say, no, I shouldn't be having this, I should have that instead.
There are so many reasons for you to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. It's just you and it. And it was created as a one of kind. It's the only one you were given.
(to be continued...)
You're in the hospital again.
*sigh* (sad and deep.)
Tonight after I got home from seeing you, I had this crazy idea. Since you don't get to read my writing very often I thought I'd write you a letter. For some reason it's important to me that you read MY writing for a change. I want you to read my words and be proud of me. (Oh, I know you're proud of me but I want you to be proud of something outside of my being your daughter.)
It's been a rough year for you. I can't even imagine having to deal with the pain and suffering you've been experiencing.
I find myself wanting to learn everything I can about the latest news -diabetes. I've already started doing some Googling about it. I'm reading encouraging things.
You said tonight that people comment about how they admire your willingness to keep going and I agree with them 100%. I know it's not always easy, but one of the many things I love about you is that you aren't giving up. You have survived so much shit in your life.
You deserve a break and you just don't seem to be getting one do you?
So while I think the rest of this may attempt to focus on appreciating all of the wonderful things you've got in your life, I think it's only fair (and dare I say healthy?) to go ahead and have a good old tantrum and rage against how unfair it is. Especially since you've been working hard on eating better and staying active.
Go ahead. I'll wait. Scream, cry, bitch, whine, moan...wail to the heavens above about how much more do you have to endure. (Um, I guess we could call this your Jobs wife (?) moment because he stayed chill right?)
It's not fair. I'm beyond pissed that all of this is happening to you. You're my mommy. You're my beautiful, interesting, intelligent, young, beautiful mommy. You're far from perfect -like the rest of us -but you're one of the most the fascinating women I've ever known.
So here's some good news about diabetes.
Diabetes is not a death sentence, Far from it. It takes work to know what it's all about and self-discipline to make it something you can live with, but it's totally doable.
I realize, this may end up being just like the congestive heart failure diagnosis and you're going to be tired of hearing about it, thinking about it and talking about it ...but here's the thing. YOU have to learn about it. YOU have to be the one in control of it.
Pop needs your help. He'll need you to say, no, I shouldn't be having this, I should have that instead.
There are so many reasons for you to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. It's just you and it. And it was created as a one of kind. It's the only one you were given.
(to be continued...)
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She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!