because of course this blog is all about me.

Um, so have I mentioned that I've made a new friend?

How we met is another post for another time....maybe.

Who he is it what I'll be writing about -at times. 

He's a writer too. We made a pact over drinks to never read each others stuff -because then we felt that we'd be inhibited and not our be our true selves.  (OK, this was my suggestion.)

I totally get it.

It takes a lot of courage to be your true self in front of others.

Ryan and Kari got married this past Friday.

My new friend, let's call him, SD, went with me.

And a big thing I'm taking away from the experience is that when you find someone you can be your true self with, then you've found a soul mate. Someone you're not afraid to be yourself in front of. No self-consciousness, no insecurities. That, I think is my definition of a soul mate and isn't necessarily only for those you're romantically involved with.

I've been lucky to find that so far twice in my life and one of those times is with Ryan (the other person knows I feel this way about them.) I'm so happy he found a soul mate for himself and got to marry her.

So going to a wedding is definitely an interesting experience to share with another person.

Seeing how they dress, present themselves, interact with your friends and generally behave is an educational experience.

I was lucky that he dressed appropriately, was attentive enough to me that I felt like I was with a real date and fun enough that I think they liked him.

SD and I haven't known each other long. Our beginning was ...hmm, what's the word I'm looking for... intense.

And we're in that getting-to-really-know-you stage that is the move from oh-you to this-is-a-real-friend.

And it was the hardest thing to do to try to be myself yet not be.

I live in fear of being ...left and I need to do something about that.

I don't want people to stay with me because they just don't want to hurt me.

I mean, maybe while that's a noble thing to do, it's just that I'd rather that someone be spending time with me because they enjoy my company and what I have to contribute to being a good person to spend time with.

So to the point...

I hope that SD and I really will be friends.

New apartment, new body?

So the new life consists of a whole new way of getting around. Carless. 

And I sold the car. So now it's not even an option.

So it’s just me and my old friend, the bus, again. We spent a lot of years together. I think it’s interesting that I am trying to recreate things that happened when I was younger (getting a bad sunburn, riding the bus). Yet, I don’t feel like it’s a bad thing to be re-living these experiences. 

When I was younger I was more engaged with the world at large. 

I was fairly active. 

I need to be active again.

After having spent the last 4 months eating WAY less fast food and walking a bit more (and taking some stairs) I was stunned to find out that I’ve only lost 3 lbs since my last doctor visit which was in February (tbc). ONLY. 

Now y’all know how I feel about the whole issue of diet, etc. but it turns out it really is about being healthier. I am taking a cold, hard look at my physical self. I need to do more than be comfortable in my skin. I need to make this body work better for me. 

And I need to not worry that I will lose my …identity if I lose weight. I’m known for more than being that …really fat girl. 

Hmm. Fat girl.  Should I be one of those people that are brave enough to say I’m fat with pride? 

Anyway, so the plan (action!!!!!) includes using the fitness room when it’s finally done/open here in my building. And swimming. There is a Y a block away. I mean c’mon, how much fucking easier can it get? 

I’ve been going back to Physical Therapy (did I mention I went once a week for about 2 ½ months this past spring) because it helped. I’m now hoping it is the bridge between the body I have and the body I want. 

Either way, I want to think about all of the wonderful things I could do if I wasn’t so …forgive the pun …weighed down. 

Or…is this just a new …drama …for me to dwell on in the absence of any other?

Nope. Well maybe a little. My mother was back in the hospital this past week and them finally coming up with a diagnosis is a large part of this now too. 

Congestive Heart Failure.

Fuck. 

For her, it's about more than she just needs to lose weight ...she has to ALWAYS be eating right, be more physically active and always take her medication. She has to weigh herself daily to make sure she is keeping an eye on the fluid amount in her system, surrounding her heart and lungs. She also has make sure her Bi-Pap machine is working correctly, she's going to be going back to the sleep clinic to look at that. 

And she has to not stop. To not give up even when she's discouraged. That will be the hardest part. She wants to see the weight going down on the scale as a result of her hard work. She wants to see a payoff and I don't blame her. I get it. I want it too! I mean 3 lousy fucking lbs????

This time around, she and I had a little bit of THAT conversation. The one where she tells me things she has put on her Health Care Directive. And I have to be strong and not bury my head in the sand and take it like a grown-up when she tells me she is sure I wouldn't want to be the one to plan her memorial service so she's not having my sign this thing, but instead Pop and her friend Judy will be the ones signing it. The ones who things will fall on when those decisions need to be made.

*Sigh*

I can't bear to think of her leaving this earth and it shakes me to my core to even think about her not being around. I, in my dramatic (but oh so real) way, think that I wouldn't even want to exist if she wasn't around. 

Here's the big difference between us though...she doesn't fear death because of her religious beliefs and the belief in resurrection and I fear her death because I don't believe in any of that. 

Does that mean I should jump back on that bandwagon in order to be able to better deal with it, when/if it happens? 

I don't know. But would that be better than feeling the utter devastation that I imagine I will feel?

Either way, or regardless of any of that...

 

I don't want that to happen to me.  I don't want to have repeated visits to the hospitals and feel so helpless.

I also want, I need, to be able to feel more comfortable in my skin again. To honor the one and only body I've got.

It pisses me off that the image I have of myself in my head in now way matches the reality. But maybe I can make it happen. 

Oh sure, there are those who say I should say "I can make it happen" vs. "maybe I can make it happen" because of the intent behind the words but Rome wasn't fucking built in a day was it? 

"It took a long time to gain this weight, it will take a long time to lose it again" (J.B.)

@@@@@@@

It's the weekend and soon I'm going to stop talking about this. All week, eating right and getting exercise was the main topic of conversation and I need a break from it. 

But shit, what a fucking mountain to climb ...for her, for me. 

 

 

Real People

Living in Lowertown has been quite interesting so far…I’ve met some odd characters…but they’re real people. 

First, there was the guitartist from a death metal band, En Masse, who sat at my table last Saturday…just after I’d posted that last …post. I never did get his name but I won’t forget him anytime soon.

They were in town, having played at Station 4 the night before. At a NYDM (that’s New York Death Metal to you un-cool people….kidding) Festival. Shaved and long hair both. Piercings and tattoos both. 

His first words said something about being carbon atoms…followed shortly with that he [we] are all made of dust from starts. He was higher than a kite and drunker than a skunk, but interesting to talk to.  It was a surreal experience to be talking to this guy. Actually just talking to him was quite scary….in that it really is one thing to talk to strangers …that’s my job. It’s another to talk to a stranger out there in the world with nothing to hide behind.

Fast forward to last night. It was kind of late when I ventured out to my current favorite outdoor space. Outside of Golden’s Deli to use their Wi-Fi. A comfortably lit but kind of private outdoor space. I officially met Bill. He’s a man I’ve seen come out and smoke late at night a couple of times when I’ve been there. 

Oooh boy! The stories he was telling me last night. He’s in …gosh, it’s got to be his 60’s and he’s had some things happen in his life that make mine look like a fairytale. And all of this I learned after I had to politely reject his interest in us dating. Oh sure, his interest is sweet and flattering and it was brave of him to say something but …there is just too much age difference. I also still refuse to start dating someone just because they’re interested in me. OK, that sounds nuts but I’ll do my best to try and explain myself…. Maybe it’s better if I use an example to state my case… years and years ago there was a little show called “Ally McBeal”.  And a storyline about a fat man being so interested in “Ally” because of how kind she was to him that he breaks off his engagement to a fat woman. The fat woman confronts “Ally” and tells her to back off and leave this man alone –discourage his interest/reject him because fat women have it hard enough to find enough love and have to take what they can get ….or words to that effect. I was outraged at that and also afraid there was some truth to it. As a fat woman I certainly have less admirers than a skinny woman. That is just a fact of life, yet I refuse to believe that I have to settle because there are fewer choices for me. 

I am not desperate…lonely at times yes, but not desperate. 

Again, maybe this sounds …colder than I really intend. He really was very sweet but also...oh what the hell, I’m going to say it…damaged goods. Literally. He was an electrician and just before he retired (!) he got hurt (head) and only has about 90% of his mental facilities. 

But still it was interesting talking to him …he could talk! He was in the military –an army ranger & special forces (?), married/divorced, kids, several motorcycle accidents, sober for 35 years and the last woman he dated (for about 9 years) was a “larger” lady. He likes a larger lady. Oi vey!

…

And then there is J.D. 

Another musician, well, former musician. I can’t remember his last name or the name of his band, but he says they toured for years and were the opening act for some big names. (I didn’t ask those.) 46, lives in the Farmers Market Lofts next door. Long hair. 

Is [now] a music producer with a really clear idea of what the wants to accomplish in the next 4 years (wants to retire at 50) which includes winning a Grammy! Going to open a coffee bar in the space at the corner of his building that’s currently a empty storefront. He’s also going to be buying Station 4. The bar a couple of blocks away. And is opening up some video producing space in a building nearby.  Divorced. NOT interested in me for dating purposes. Recently battled/battling Graves disease but now in remission.  

Now I can’t tell if any of that was pure and total bullshit but it sure was interesting.

…

The surreal bit about this was that all 3 of us were talking while smoking and talked off and on until about 1:30am.

…

I’m loving that this neighborhood –not necessarily my building –has such interesting (I’ve GOT to come up with a new word…hmm, eclectic?) people in it. I actually started to think about how I could enjoy my life more outside of work. When Bill asked me what I liked to do for fun, it sounded lame to say…play around online, watch TV, read, listen to music.  I shouldn’t feel like there is something wrong with that …should I?

Should I try to do more with my writing? 

Maybe.

…

But before I even get caught up in what to do when I’m not at work, I should focus on why I have skipped work as much as I have the past couple of months. With the exclusion of the sunburn last month, I really haven’t had a good excuse. I’ve just been out of sorts. My life is good. I mean, no complaints. I love my apartment, the neighborhood. I’ve got good friends and a great family. And did I even mention yet how much I LOVE LOVE my new phone? No? Well, I do. I love the touch/slide feature. It’s so easy to use. 

Anyway. I was trying to explain to someone last night (before I made new friends) that I am feeling this…well, yes, out of sorts is as good a description as any. To quote John Mayer…”something’s missing and I don’t know what it is.” I thought I wanted someone to do stuff with but that’s not even really so much it. 

Maybe it’s just that I want more money and I should start trying to figure out a way to make money on weekends. Doing something that doesn’t feel like work. (Is that even possible or am I high? :P)

My World IS a Happy Place.

Oh sure, it's not perfect (I constantly worry about money) but it sure could be worse.

Saturday - another lazy day all to myself --- I really like those. So much in fact that I skipped Kari's bridal shower. What a complete bitch am I? Fuck, now I really am feeling guilty.

But...it's a perfect summer day. I just had some good food and am drinking an iced coffee outside a place with free WI-FI, steps from my home. It's not fucking humid. And there are few enough people around that I don't feel self-conscious.


I don't know exactly why I crave days like these... oh wait, I do, because I spend all week having to be around people and I don't keep anything to myself, for myself.


Yes, I am obsessed with me. Yes, it's all about me.


WTF?


Well let's change THAT subject.


In my crazy impulsive way I decided on a new phone -I did a lot of reading about phones. Reading reviews, figuring out what I liked and didn't like. What I wanted and didn't want. And then in the space of about 1/2 hour, I chose this thing called a Galaxy Nexus. Next best thing to an iphone? (and how badly do I want an iphone (we'll see if that changes.) This phone is pretty hot stuff from what I've read (and keep reading about.) I also figured I knew that I could deal with the monthly amount as it's similar to my current, non-smartphone.


And if I do sell the car....oh did I not mention that? I'll be uber-responsible  with those funds...


So my new phone is supposed to be delivered tomorrow -and I hope it is (I'm worried about the whole signature thing.) I can hardly wait. I was watching instructional videos and reading some of the manual online after work last night. It'll be good to have something new to obsess over.


OK, maybe it could be a touch warmer and sunnier out, but all in all a good day.

New Life Cont’d – Reality

I’d forgotten how having a home of one’s own means upkeep…keep it tidy. I take great pride and satisfaction from living in a fairly clean environment but I don’t want to put a lot of effort into which means keeping up with things….

So that is really what weekends are about right now. Not going out and drinking to the wee hours. Not seeing the latest movie. Not dining at the latest hot spot. Nope, just doing laundry, unloading/loading the dishwasher, wiping off the counters and putting things away where they belong (though I’m still figuring out the best places for things.)

And my new reality is no internet access outside of the limited amount I get with my cell phone. 

A couple of my co-workers are fond of saying “put your big girl panties on” and they’re right…that is what I have to do. 

The reality is that I can’t afford that …luxury right now and while it’s killing me, I have other financial obligations that must be met. And I’ve learned very very painful financial lessons about not meeting your financial obligations. 

And I’ll admit, if I do indeed go to Vegas for my birthday (why Vegas? Free hotel room courtesy of Michelle, my favorite work friend and …why not Vegas?) I want to be able to have a wee bit of spending money. That’s coming up week after next. 

In a perfect world, I could have it, do it all, but that is not my world.

I won’t lie, I miss internet access something awful…and I took it for granted when I had it…so I’m just going to take the opportunity to catch up on movies –even if they’re old/older and my reading. (And I’ve got a new neighborhood to explore don’t I?)

I’m very fortunate in that a woman at work gave me a TV with a built in VCR –that works!!!! And I’ve got a bunch of movies to watch that I will hopefully convince my brother to pick up for me from Ryan’s.

And in the meantime, I’ve got co-workers lending me movies. And I can borrow some from my parents. (See this is why you hang on to movies!) How awesome is that? 

So here I am. Saturday afternoon, taking a break and also waiting for groceries to get delivered…granted maybe they’re just a bit more expensive than I might get at Target or Cub but the convenience is worth it. I’m being practical this time and buying stuff that I will have to make –but that will also be great as leftovers to take to work for lunch. 

It’s my weakness to just buy lunch at work in the cafeteria. I’m a regular. They know what I usually get…the sandwich guy has finally begun to know what I like (chicken salad on a white hoagie with romaine (not iceberg) lettuce and just 2 slices of tomato) …the prices aren’t …terrible, but they’re not great either. 

More reality that I need to deal with….bringing my lunch should help me save some money that I can put toward bills. 

*Sigh*

What is sad is that I don’t remember the last time I felt like this…determined to have paid off as many bills as I could so that I don’t have these things hanging over my head. I want to be able to live simply and comfortably. 

OK, so I think those are all of the brilliant thoughts I’ve got for now.

More stuff to do around the house…

Oh joy.

Yup, lucky.

There is something to be said about simple pleasures.

I really don't need a lot to make me happy. It's the 4th of July and while I'm a little...sad I didn't make plans with anyone, I'm quite enjoying this day off so far. And I think holidays really are overrated. Having worked them and knowing people who still have to work them kind of makes them really not need to be so important. (Also, I think it's about having the opportunity to make any day a special day...why save fun for just holidays?)

I've got coffee (and more importantly creamer!), food in the fridge (fresh corn on the cob! New potatoes!) central air (on a day that is supposed to reach 99 degrees!), clean clothes and a comfortable home.

I've got people in my life who are amazing who make me feel alive with the range of emotions I experience with them and a job. A job that makes me happy for the most part and...as of July 1, a raise! (I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure curious.)

The raise couldn't have come sooner. I've got to face one (or two) of my financial demons ..and soon.

So nope, no complaints at this particular time. Lucky me.

Now if only I didn't want a cigarette so bad....

And now time to remind myself why life is not shit

God. What a week. I was faced with the consequences of some of my bad choices AND worrying about my mother who I am really just starting to have a good good relationship with. And there was letting my parent's down ...my Pop mostly.  (Then again, how much of this am I willing to share lest you see more of the side of me I don't typically share here??? ...)

And then there is some new stuff with work adding to the mix of anxiety and frustration and fear...I've been asked to take care of someone else's job while they're out on vacation for 2 weeks.

The thing is that while it's flattering as hell (and means time OFF the phones,) it also comes with a bit more pressure. It's making sure tickets have been issued and attached to reservations. Just one tiny little detail that means the difference between the group (or a member of the group) getting on the flight and going off and having a wonderful adventure...or not.

Then there was the exclamation point to the week. The actual spilling of milk. (I would have cried if I hadn't gotten some of that out of my system the night before.)

So here we are, it's going on 1am and I'm ready to remind myself about the positive things in my life and then start dealing with how I can make things right and better.

Then again, it's going on 1am and I'm not wanting to do anything right now other than crawl into bed and let another new day come and bring hope and possibilities with it.

So maybe we'll just come back to some of this later and in the meantime, off to dreamland I go.