But/Yet/And Now What?

So here it is. This is my life.

I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about having a new place. Lots of people have a new place and don't think it means more than just that.

I guess I just want it to represent more than just a new address.

...it's starting out fairly close to the "beginning" with a bang...I wasn't home for 2 weeks in the first 30 days (or so) so it hasn't started to feel quite home yet.

and Mom is back in the hospital...same place and thankfully I'm a lot closer now. I'm not freaking out ...yet. She went in Friday night with a fever of 103 and the shakes & shivers. But she's been up for visitors starting Saturday late afternoon...We really think...hope she's going to be OK. She's on antibiotics...they thought maybe pneumonia but now it may be some form of cellulitis (sp?) . . .she picked up something somewhere...and I'm afraid from swimming. That would suck if she had to reduce or stop doing that because it's one of the few physical activities she can do and actually enjoys.

Tonight - a potential aid/solution...swim shoes. I'm going to look into those after I've finished this up.

She has to be OK. The alternative is unacceptable. Is that childish of me? You bet. But when it comes to our parent's mortality, why do we have to be mature about it? It's enough that we eventually see them as flawed human beings, just being who they are as individuals and not as "superheroes" or only "Mom and Pop."

 So now...time to distract myself from thinking about anything happening to my mother anytime within the next decade...at minimum.

*Sigh*

Every once in a while I like to totally self-indulge in analyzing myself...you know, the whole "who am I?" thing.

Things about Me...2012.

1. Pizza -all kinds....frozen, bad frozen, fresh, Dominos, gourmet...doesn't matter...is my new favorite "food". I used to say anything related to breakfast.

2. I eat more sweet things now. Used to be that I was only a salty snack/treat freak.

3. I'm not as opposed to trying spicier things.

4. I like to cook more...and use fresh ingredients...but yet still refuse to give up "bad" foods.

OK, should I worry this is all related to food so far?

Nah. I've decided to redevelop my relationship with it. Appreciate it for what it is...nourishment for the one and only body I've been given and not let my love and passion for it control me.

*Yawn*

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my apartment. I'm so happy I could make this work (with thanks to a few people)....and now time to put myself to bed.

After looking up swim shoe info. that is. :P

And now I am really excited about my new…life

I’m currently away from home, dog and house sitting for a friend –former co-worker of sorts. 

I met Kathy probably about 10 years ago (!) when I was working for CUNA Mutual at Postal Credit Union in North St. Paul. We’ve kept in touch over the years –and I cat sat for her years ago and now just recently have begun dog and house sitting for her. 

The timing was a little off, but I got paid a good amount to do this and I’m not complaining….with just having moved into my apartment I’m ready to start really living in it. 

When I did this for her back in December, it lit the fire of my desire to have my own place. I had been thinking about it…but was afraid to make the move …to move.

What’s great is that she has cable and I’ve been able to gorge myself on “House Hunters” and “House Hunters International” …which today got me thinking about the fact that having watched that show for years had me subconsciously prepared to decide where I wanted to live next. What I thought was important, what I wanted vs. needed, would settle for and wouldn’t compromise on all came from having to think about how I live my life and want for it. 

So when I watch episodes and I see these people having to make choices and compromises and still get what they want...I'm happy I didn't have to really make a lot of comprises because I picked a home with a lot of pros...my own laundry, a dishwasher, charm, space, character and an elevator!

And personality. It has so much personality. 

What I think is interesting (?) is that it's usually House Hunters International that typically show what I would want for myself –flats and other beautiful small apartments in the city...cool little "flats" and other charming little apartments that it seems like you can only find in Europe. (Am I preparing myself for that eventual move across the pond? Maybe...) 

I’m really looking forward to making my little place a home.  Right now I’m feeling like I will be there for a long time (because I won’t want to move again until I can afford movers, professional movers. This move was so physically challenging and I never want to go through that again.)

So I love that it’s my place. My own space. And I can’t wait to really add my personality to it. I’ve gotten a start with finding those bar stools at Saver’s for super cheap. And those pillows! And I’ve got Nita making pillows out of my concert t-shirts. And I’ve got some great stuff to put up on the walls. Now just to find the perfect coffee table or storage ottoman, a chair or two and maybe a bookshelf? I also need something to put the TV on. 

....but yet, what I need to remember is that I don’t have to have it all “done” right away. I can just take my time and only add things that I really love…not just have stuff. I want to have a cool, funky, comfortable “nest”.

I know I really made a good choice…even if it was an impulsive one. (Deciding to take it after one look and taking no time to think about it.)

And I’m so grateful for all the help I have gotten –from Ryan helping me with the move to people at work giving me things…dishes, a blender, a TV w/built in VCR! And just the overall support I’ve received from everyone. 

Even my mother has now been to see this place and she hasn’t been to one of my homes for years. Nope, she never came over to Ryan’s, Jen’s or my apartment on Grand Ave. I don’t even think she ever came to Grant St. Commons …or my apartment in Uptown on Fremont. Or…where was I before that? Oh…with them! The night she came over I made us dinner and it was nice to show her…how I live. What my life is about.

…

Work is good…though I’ve been taking a lot of time off lately. I’ve totally been taking advantage of PPT and vacation days. I’m a bit burned out and having paid time off is fucking wonderful.

Next month will be my 5 year anniversary and I’m eligible for 3 weeks of vacation! How fucking sweet is that?  

I’m hoping by having this time off, to just relax, will keep me going…I can’t afford to hate my job –I don’t want to go back to hating my job and dreading work. 

So now I just need to think some more about life outside of work and outside of the apartment. 

I’ve got a new life, new home and now new hair. (I found a great color. A nice shade of brown w/out the red or orange highlights. Though next time, I’m going to try the light brown color. I think that will look more…natural.) 

So here I am. I’m not at home. I’m in somebody else’s home and it’s giving me a chance to see what I think I might or might not want for mine. 

I’m feeling good and I’m so happy I finally decided to do it. I can’t wait to get back to my place and start really living. 

I’m not so scared anymore.

Hmmmm, interesting (how many times have I titled a post this way?)

CANCER (June 21-July 22): What actions best embody the virtue of
courage? Fighting on the battlefield as a soldier? Speaking out against
corruption and injustice? Climbing a treacherous peak or riding a raft
through rough river water? Certainly all those qualify. But French architect
Fernand Pouillon had another perspective. He said, "Courage lies in being
oneself, in showing complete independence, in loving what one loves, in
discovering the deep roots of one's feelings." That's exactly the nature of
the bravery you are best able to draw on right now, Cancerian. So please
do draw on it in abundance.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In his book *The Four Insights,* author Alberto
Villoldo tells the following story: "A traveler comes across two
stonecutters. He asks the first, 'What are you doing?' and receives the
reply, 'Squaring the stone.' He then walks over to the second stonecutter
and asks, 'What are you doing?' and receives the reply, 'I am building a
cathedral.' In other words, both men are performing the same task, but
one of them is aware that he has the choice to be part of a greater
dream." By my astrological reckoning, Leo, it's quite important for you to
be like that second stonecutter in the months ahead. I suggest you start
now to ensure that outcome.

(Free Will Astrology for this week.) 

Approx. 3 weeks have passed since the move...

So maybe that is the direction this blog will continue in. An blog dedicated to this new home of mine.

Adjusting to living alone and actually feeling a bit scared at this new life I've chosen. I know that may seem a bit silly but I've just turned my living situation upside down. The opposite of what I just had. I guess I stop letting the fact that I'm a new place, stop me from now exploring what's outside my door. (Or something like that.)

So, I'm looking up theater listings...activities in Mears Park/Festivals, YMCA (they have a pool!)...there are things to do in this town. I've just got to start doing some of them. My life is great, but it could be a bit more....

more....

I don't know. Enjoyable?

But then there are those few lonely times where I don't want to do anything by myself anymore. I'm tired of doing things alone, of traveling alone. Granted, I love being able to do what I want without guilt...that's what living alone is like so far....I can do what I want, when I want.

What I want to do right this minute though is shop. I met up w/Kathy tonight. I'll be dog/house-sitting for her in a few days for a couple of weeks. And she paid me for it in advance. And while I should give some to my brother and to the Dentist & Dr., I just want to spend it on furnishings for my new apartment! In the worst way!

My little apartment is so...bare. And I need lamps!

She gave me a ride home after dinner and came up and saw the place. I was so excited to show it off, even bare as it is.

I should host a little soiree but yet I'm afraid people wouldn't come...like with what happens with my birthday most years.

I think for this year, if Scott's up for it, I'll go visit him for my birthday.

Oooh, something to look forward to again! I love having things to look forward too!

1 Week Later...

Happy 1 week anniversary in the new place! A week ago R & I were working our asses off to move me in. I'm so glad that's over. I'm never moving again.

So here it is...my "new" life. Living in the city again is quite the experience. I didn't realize how quiet things were out in the 'burbs until I got back into the city. Though the building is awfully quiet and I haven't seen a lot of people yet.

Taking the bus again is quite the adventure, but at least it's any easy one this time around.

My car is currently sitting at work. Waiting for me to decide what to do with it. It's been the best thing to leave it at work since I can park it there for free. (Have I mentioned what a pain it is to park downtown?)

I went to the Farmer's Market for the first time today. I was surprised by how many sellers were selling the same things -mostly spring onions, asparagus, lettuce & plants. But apparently they have to live within 75 miles of the market location & grow the stuff themselves. And it's not time for fruits & such yet. I did manage to find a booth selling cucumbers & broccoli so picked some of that up, as well as getting a bouquet of flowers. I'm toying with getting a plant or two. That sure would be a new thing for me. The last time I had a plant, it was a cactus and I managed to keep it alive for quite a few months! So maybe it's time to be brave and hope that I could succeed with plants.

I haven't put up any pictures yet because I just don't know what I should put where. And my walls are so....big and my pictures so not.

I'm also daydreaming of finding a pair of matching lounge chairs. And a rug to help create the "living room". And I still want a storage ottoman. And what should I do with that corner by the bed? I feel like I need to do more to make this place "homey". But I don't want to have a lot of stuff.

I just have to be patient and let things happen as they happen.

I'm a bit bored right now. And I'll admit it. I'm a bit lonely. I knew that would happen and that was the advantage to living with others. I was never really alone.

I'm sure I should call up some of my St. Paul friends and set up some times to get together but something keeps me from doing it. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that those friends have such full lives with close friends/family that I don't quite feel like I ...fit in. ?  I'm sure my expectations are too high and it doesn't have to be a big deal to just get together with someone for a meal or a movie or whatever but knowing that I'm not even the most important person to my friends makes me just want to keep to myself, even if it means being a bit lonely at times.

Yet, as much as I want to be somebody's best friend or the love of their life, I do cherish my freedom and independence. I am truly a contradiction come to life.

I guess I could at least check out things to do down here and see if there isn't anything I'd enjoy doing by myself...see if there are classes or whatever.

*Sigh*

I knew that no matter where I went, I'd still be myself ...and that just because I put myself into a new environment that my life wouldn't suddenly become perfect.

So now it's time to start enjoying making a home for myself and get some new interests. Right? Right!

And so the next chapter begins...

It seems a little bit...petty...to say that moving is a time when you find out who your true friends are.

R was my rock. I couldn't have done this without him, literally.

But now it's done and I don't think my body will ever recover. I had to find energy and strength I didn't know I have. And I truly had to "suck it up" as a friend is fond of saying.

Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do don't you?

Anyway, so here I am. Spent my first night in my new home last night. Managed to eek out enough motivation at the end of the night to make up the bed and take a shower.

Then this morning, Pop was kind enough to come down & help me with replacing the shower head with my handheld one. And then get the pictures and mirrors out of the car before I took her out to work to park her there (I'm reminded, parking downtown St. Paul can suck.) and then experience the joys of public transportation in going home.

So here I am, sitting on the loveseat, with the windows open and looking out at the trees in the park and just thinking it all still seems...unreal. This really, finally happened. It's not just something that I can't wait for to happen. It's not just a crazy dream.

*Sigh*

I've got so so much to do still but am too pooped to do anything but relax right now.

But let me tell you...I am totally getting a kick out of setting up MY home. And I'm never moving again!!!! If I can help it.

Downtown St. Paul is a bit quieter on Sunday afternoons. I like that. It was kind of loud last night, but that was out in the streets, not in the building. It's been quiet in the building so far...haven't heard or met any of my neighbors yet. Well, beyond saying hello that is. The building has a lot of dogs though...that much I can tell. But thankfully I don't think they are in the apartments around me.

Hmm, the thought of taking a nap just floated through my mind...maybe. I don't know. I know there is no hurry to unpack & settle in but yet there is.

I guess I don't know what exactly would change with this move yet I know everything has. I'm back in the city, surrounded by life and noise. I just hope I venture out, meet people because I don't want to find myself feeling lonely even though I'm not really alone with all of this...life around me.

Now aren't these nice?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your right brain and left brain have rarely
been on such close speaking terms as they are right now. Your genitals
and your heart seem to be in a good collaborative groove as well. Even
your past and your future are mostly in agreement about how you should
proceed in the present. To what do we owe the pleasure of this rather
dramatic movement toward integration? Here's one theory: You're being
rewarded for the hard work you have done to take good care of yourself.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A South African biologist was intrigued to
discover an interesting fact about the rodent known as the elephant
shrew: It much prefers to slurp the nectar of pagoda lilies than to nibble
on peanut butter mixed with apples and rolled oats. The biologist didn't
investigate whether mountain goats would rather eat grasses and rushes
than ice cream sundaes or whether lions like fresh-killed antelopes better
than Caesar salad, but I'm pretty sure they do. In a related subject, Leo, I
hope that in the coming weeks you will seek to feed yourself exclusively
with the images, sounds, stories, and food that truly satisfy your primal
hunger rather than the stuff that other people like or think you should
like.

(Free Will Astrology, week of May 2, 2012)

I know it may seem weird that I've got the Cancer one here too, but haven't I mentioned how since my birthday is on July 25 I consider myself on the cusp of Cancer/Leo? :P  Actually it's only as I've gotten older that I've found myself relating more and more to the Cancer sign.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

One week from today I will be sweating my ass off and going through the joys of moving...again.

I'm excited but I sure do hate the moving part. I can see why people hire others to do it for them. (I actually looked into it but the amount was a bit much for what I have.) And even though I really don't have that much stuff, I'm still looking around at what I've got in boxes and I'm wondering if there isn't more I can rid of. I mean, what does a person really need to live? Clothes, shoes, toiletries, bed/bedding, computer, kindle & phone. :)

*Sigh*

I went to drop off rent today and check out the fitness room (and there's a sauna too!) and then take a look at my new home w/out someone else's stuff and it's actually a bit smaller than I remember, but with the bathroom/closet and kitchen being in separate places from the main space, it will be just fine. My living space won't have to have my dressers in it...they'll fit in the closet. Or hell, maybe I should only keep the one dresser????

My shirts/pants can just go on hangers...hmm. Something to think about.

But either way, it's still a cool space and I can't wait to begin my new life there.

Not that I expect I will be changing all that much...I am still kind of a homebody and like my quiet time. But I guess I think with coffee shops, bars and restaurants and an awesome park that often is hosting free music events, I am hoping I just might venture out a bit more. We'll see.

It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving R's place. But I'm ready to go.

Time to go post pics on FB.