Hmmmm, interesting (how many times have I titled a post this way?)

CANCER (June 21-July 22): What actions best embody the virtue of
courage? Fighting on the battlefield as a soldier? Speaking out against
corruption and injustice? Climbing a treacherous peak or riding a raft
through rough river water? Certainly all those qualify. But French architect
Fernand Pouillon had another perspective. He said, "Courage lies in being
oneself, in showing complete independence, in loving what one loves, in
discovering the deep roots of one's feelings." That's exactly the nature of
the bravery you are best able to draw on right now, Cancerian. So please
do draw on it in abundance.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In his book *The Four Insights,* author Alberto
Villoldo tells the following story: "A traveler comes across two
stonecutters. He asks the first, 'What are you doing?' and receives the
reply, 'Squaring the stone.' He then walks over to the second stonecutter
and asks, 'What are you doing?' and receives the reply, 'I am building a
cathedral.' In other words, both men are performing the same task, but
one of them is aware that he has the choice to be part of a greater
dream." By my astrological reckoning, Leo, it's quite important for you to
be like that second stonecutter in the months ahead. I suggest you start
now to ensure that outcome.

(Free Will Astrology for this week.) 

Approx. 3 weeks have passed since the move...

So maybe that is the direction this blog will continue in. An blog dedicated to this new home of mine.

Adjusting to living alone and actually feeling a bit scared at this new life I've chosen. I know that may seem a bit silly but I've just turned my living situation upside down. The opposite of what I just had. I guess I stop letting the fact that I'm a new place, stop me from now exploring what's outside my door. (Or something like that.)

So, I'm looking up theater listings...activities in Mears Park/Festivals, YMCA (they have a pool!)...there are things to do in this town. I've just got to start doing some of them. My life is great, but it could be a bit more....

more....

I don't know. Enjoyable?

But then there are those few lonely times where I don't want to do anything by myself anymore. I'm tired of doing things alone, of traveling alone. Granted, I love being able to do what I want without guilt...that's what living alone is like so far....I can do what I want, when I want.

What I want to do right this minute though is shop. I met up w/Kathy tonight. I'll be dog/house-sitting for her in a few days for a couple of weeks. And she paid me for it in advance. And while I should give some to my brother and to the Dentist & Dr., I just want to spend it on furnishings for my new apartment! In the worst way!

My little apartment is so...bare. And I need lamps!

She gave me a ride home after dinner and came up and saw the place. I was so excited to show it off, even bare as it is.

I should host a little soiree but yet I'm afraid people wouldn't come...like with what happens with my birthday most years.

I think for this year, if Scott's up for it, I'll go visit him for my birthday.

Oooh, something to look forward to again! I love having things to look forward too!

1 Week Later...

Happy 1 week anniversary in the new place! A week ago R & I were working our asses off to move me in. I'm so glad that's over. I'm never moving again.

So here it is...my "new" life. Living in the city again is quite the experience. I didn't realize how quiet things were out in the 'burbs until I got back into the city. Though the building is awfully quiet and I haven't seen a lot of people yet.

Taking the bus again is quite the adventure, but at least it's any easy one this time around.

My car is currently sitting at work. Waiting for me to decide what to do with it. It's been the best thing to leave it at work since I can park it there for free. (Have I mentioned what a pain it is to park downtown?)

I went to the Farmer's Market for the first time today. I was surprised by how many sellers were selling the same things -mostly spring onions, asparagus, lettuce & plants. But apparently they have to live within 75 miles of the market location & grow the stuff themselves. And it's not time for fruits & such yet. I did manage to find a booth selling cucumbers & broccoli so picked some of that up, as well as getting a bouquet of flowers. I'm toying with getting a plant or two. That sure would be a new thing for me. The last time I had a plant, it was a cactus and I managed to keep it alive for quite a few months! So maybe it's time to be brave and hope that I could succeed with plants.

I haven't put up any pictures yet because I just don't know what I should put where. And my walls are so....big and my pictures so not.

I'm also daydreaming of finding a pair of matching lounge chairs. And a rug to help create the "living room". And I still want a storage ottoman. And what should I do with that corner by the bed? I feel like I need to do more to make this place "homey". But I don't want to have a lot of stuff.

I just have to be patient and let things happen as they happen.

I'm a bit bored right now. And I'll admit it. I'm a bit lonely. I knew that would happen and that was the advantage to living with others. I was never really alone.

I'm sure I should call up some of my St. Paul friends and set up some times to get together but something keeps me from doing it. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that those friends have such full lives with close friends/family that I don't quite feel like I ...fit in. ?  I'm sure my expectations are too high and it doesn't have to be a big deal to just get together with someone for a meal or a movie or whatever but knowing that I'm not even the most important person to my friends makes me just want to keep to myself, even if it means being a bit lonely at times.

Yet, as much as I want to be somebody's best friend or the love of their life, I do cherish my freedom and independence. I am truly a contradiction come to life.

I guess I could at least check out things to do down here and see if there isn't anything I'd enjoy doing by myself...see if there are classes or whatever.

*Sigh*

I knew that no matter where I went, I'd still be myself ...and that just because I put myself into a new environment that my life wouldn't suddenly become perfect.

So now it's time to start enjoying making a home for myself and get some new interests. Right? Right!

And so the next chapter begins...

It seems a little bit...petty...to say that moving is a time when you find out who your true friends are.

R was my rock. I couldn't have done this without him, literally.

But now it's done and I don't think my body will ever recover. I had to find energy and strength I didn't know I have. And I truly had to "suck it up" as a friend is fond of saying.

Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do don't you?

Anyway, so here I am. Spent my first night in my new home last night. Managed to eek out enough motivation at the end of the night to make up the bed and take a shower.

Then this morning, Pop was kind enough to come down & help me with replacing the shower head with my handheld one. And then get the pictures and mirrors out of the car before I took her out to work to park her there (I'm reminded, parking downtown St. Paul can suck.) and then experience the joys of public transportation in going home.

So here I am, sitting on the loveseat, with the windows open and looking out at the trees in the park and just thinking it all still seems...unreal. This really, finally happened. It's not just something that I can't wait for to happen. It's not just a crazy dream.

*Sigh*

I've got so so much to do still but am too pooped to do anything but relax right now.

But let me tell you...I am totally getting a kick out of setting up MY home. And I'm never moving again!!!! If I can help it.

Downtown St. Paul is a bit quieter on Sunday afternoons. I like that. It was kind of loud last night, but that was out in the streets, not in the building. It's been quiet in the building so far...haven't heard or met any of my neighbors yet. Well, beyond saying hello that is. The building has a lot of dogs though...that much I can tell. But thankfully I don't think they are in the apartments around me.

Hmm, the thought of taking a nap just floated through my mind...maybe. I don't know. I know there is no hurry to unpack & settle in but yet there is.

I guess I don't know what exactly would change with this move yet I know everything has. I'm back in the city, surrounded by life and noise. I just hope I venture out, meet people because I don't want to find myself feeling lonely even though I'm not really alone with all of this...life around me.

Now aren't these nice?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your right brain and left brain have rarely
been on such close speaking terms as they are right now. Your genitals
and your heart seem to be in a good collaborative groove as well. Even
your past and your future are mostly in agreement about how you should
proceed in the present. To what do we owe the pleasure of this rather
dramatic movement toward integration? Here's one theory: You're being
rewarded for the hard work you have done to take good care of yourself.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A South African biologist was intrigued to
discover an interesting fact about the rodent known as the elephant
shrew: It much prefers to slurp the nectar of pagoda lilies than to nibble
on peanut butter mixed with apples and rolled oats. The biologist didn't
investigate whether mountain goats would rather eat grasses and rushes
than ice cream sundaes or whether lions like fresh-killed antelopes better
than Caesar salad, but I'm pretty sure they do. In a related subject, Leo, I
hope that in the coming weeks you will seek to feed yourself exclusively
with the images, sounds, stories, and food that truly satisfy your primal
hunger rather than the stuff that other people like or think you should
like.

(Free Will Astrology, week of May 2, 2012)

I know it may seem weird that I've got the Cancer one here too, but haven't I mentioned how since my birthday is on July 25 I consider myself on the cusp of Cancer/Leo? :P  Actually it's only as I've gotten older that I've found myself relating more and more to the Cancer sign.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

One week from today I will be sweating my ass off and going through the joys of moving...again.

I'm excited but I sure do hate the moving part. I can see why people hire others to do it for them. (I actually looked into it but the amount was a bit much for what I have.) And even though I really don't have that much stuff, I'm still looking around at what I've got in boxes and I'm wondering if there isn't more I can rid of. I mean, what does a person really need to live? Clothes, shoes, toiletries, bed/bedding, computer, kindle & phone. :)

*Sigh*

I went to drop off rent today and check out the fitness room (and there's a sauna too!) and then take a look at my new home w/out someone else's stuff and it's actually a bit smaller than I remember, but with the bathroom/closet and kitchen being in separate places from the main space, it will be just fine. My living space won't have to have my dressers in it...they'll fit in the closet. Or hell, maybe I should only keep the one dresser????

My shirts/pants can just go on hangers...hmm. Something to think about.

But either way, it's still a cool space and I can't wait to begin my new life there.

Not that I expect I will be changing all that much...I am still kind of a homebody and like my quiet time. But I guess I think with coffee shops, bars and restaurants and an awesome park that often is hosting free music events, I am hoping I just might venture out a bit more. We'll see.

It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving R's place. But I'm ready to go.

Time to go post pics on FB.

Wicked PMS

What a fucking shitty week.

I'm so churned up about it that I'm awake before 9am on a Saturday because I have this post sort of swirling around in my head that needs to be written while I've got some motivation to write it.

While I have a million things to be thankful for....my car runs, I have a job, my mother is NOT in the hospital and is taking care of herself and taking it seriously that she needs to really lose weight...this week just has been especially rough and it makes me wonder if I should continue taking "the pill".

I started it a few months ago to finally get my cycle regular. I had had enough of irregularity. But it seems like every month since I started taking it, the week prior finds me experiencing some wicked (and I don't mean in a cool, awesome way) PMS. My emotions are so volatile and I don't like feeling this out of control.

This past week had plans falling through with a friend (I'm like Charlie Brown really believing that Lucy won't take the football away), damaging R's garage when leaving for a PT appointment (that it turns out I was late for) and then not getting on the flight to San Diego that I was aiming for last night, Friday.

I really really wanted to get out of town and visit S but maybe it's for the best since I'm all over the map emotionally.

But with each incident, I reacted so strongly that I'm a little worried about myself. Not just feeling disappointed and pissed off about not seeing my friend but so...irrationally (?) angry and that I would literally explode from all of that anger. Not just feeling bad about damaging the garage (which thankfully R has been cool about because I don't know what I would have done, would do if he hadn't been cool about it) but like I shouldn't be anywhere near garages or buildings of any kind or even be driving and then with not getting on the flight, not just accepting that that is part of the deal with "non-rev'ing" but when realizing that I didn't get on the flight, almost bawling like a baby and feeling like I wanted to drown my sorrows in gallons and gallons of alcohol.

I still feel like I just want to scream and explode from the internal pressures of keeping MOST of my temper and these emotions in check.

Oh sure, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic (this is me after all) BUT this is how this all feels. BIG and real and feeling like there are so many things that are wrong with me because of the choices I've made and the things I've done.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

And then there's the upcoming move. Which is still a long three weeks away. I'm beyond excited to live in an environment that has a view of the outside world, central air & heat that I control, a bathroom with a door (though who am I kidding, when I live on my own and am home alone I leave the door open)...and is warm when I get out of the shower ...and has a real sink.

But worrying about the money of the move and how I'm going to pay the car insurance this month -because I need the car really just for one more damn month until I move -and making it all work is fucking stressing me out.


☯☯☯☯☯

ALL of that stuff that I normally would just deal with in a calm, rational way. Plans fall through, the damage to the garage could have been much worse and my landlord didn't freak the fuck out about it (then again, I should have known he was a cool cat when right after I moved in something fell down the lint chute on the dryer and he calmly just figured it out and took care of it ...)

(Side note: how lucky am I that the men in my life -that arent' my Pop -have been such calm men who are rarely angry & don't have tempers -well not that they've shown me anyway. Growing up with Pop and his quick-triggered temper I'm sure has scarred me for life in some way. Thank god he's mellowed a bit over the years and I love him dearly in spite of that temper....oh wait, that last bit might be something for it's own post someday...)

Not getting on the flight, knowing that it is a risk to non-rev and just accepting it for what it was.

All things that I don't think I would have reacted so strongly to. Because reality is that shit happens right? Just part of the joys of living.

The pill. One tiny little pill.

Can I go back to irregularity and having mild PMS for what seems like weeks at a time or stay on it and just know that I'm truly going to have a fucking horrible week once a month.

*Sigh*

Well, THIS is a brilliant one (After I write this I decide this is also kind of a sarcastic title too.)

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." -Robert Frost

(Thanks to Sara from STCU)

And isn't that the truth. It goes on.

The apartment is mine. I move May 12. I'm beyond excited to start the next chapter of my life. While it's been a great experience to live with R ( & then K), it's time to move on.

It's a bit more than I thought I would be spending and the car will probably have to go if I don't want to be broke all the time (again) but I know I can make it work if I can just stop -or at least curb -the desire to spend every damn dime I've got in my pocket (what the hell is THAT all about anyway???)

As I continued to go through boxes last weekend, I came across a bunch of photos and some of them were of my apartment at Grant St. Commons. I think I was excited about that one too...the big window with the awesome view of downtown, the dishwasher, the fitness room, the fairly good-sized apartment with an area where it wouldn't be obvious to have the bed...

But this is better. It's St. Paul. It's got its own washer & dryer! It's kitty corner from a nice park - Mears Park. It's a block away from the one bus to take me to work. I guess somehow I just keep gravitating toward that kind of life -downtown and on good public transportation (I need that freedom for when a car is not available.)

But as I think about this new life of mine, I do think about what that new life is going to be like. Living here, I have friends, just upstairs and I never feel alone, even when they're not home.

There, it will be me. Just me. Not even a cat this time to keep me company. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Now, I prefer to spend plenty of time by myself. I'm content with my company and don't feel lonely but will I feel lonely living on my own?

I guess I'm hoping that since I'll be in St. Paul, I'll be closer to my St. Paul friends...and there is no reason in the world why we shouldn't get together. I'll be on the same side of the river as my parent's. I'll be in a busier part of downtown (Grant St. really didn't have a lot of good stuff nearby/the area of downtown Minneapolis not exactly the swankiest) -Lowertown has supposedly got a lot going on. And if anything, there is a liquor store a block away. Maybe I'll just become a functioning alcoholic. Kidding!

I hate this waiting though...it's like I'm going to go have this wonderful new adventure and it's taking FOREVER to happen.

I'm eager to decide how I'm going to decorate. I don't have really any of the stuff I had at Grant St. (or Grand Ave.) and so will be starting kind of fresh with that stuff too.

Because none of my stuff "matches" and my mom wants to give me stuff that doesn't "match", I think I may embrace the eclectic, hodge-podge, look. Well at first anyway. While I figure out the money and how to add pieces that coordinate and make it look classy and pulled together. In the meantime, I'll just have fun bringing the various parts of my life coming together (old/antique furniture, modern art, clean & classic furniture, pillows made out of old concert t-shirts (thanks to Nita at work!!!)

I think I will keep a minimalist vibe going though and not go crazy with accumulating stuff. While I will be determined to stick around this place for a long long time, actually settle down and put down some roots, I'd like to do it without becoming someone who will have an episode of "Hoarders" filmed about them.

So now I'm doing that thing I sometimes do and am really thinking about my life ....because there is still that thought... is THIS it???

Work, sleep, play around online, eat, occasionally socialize with my friends, occasionally spend time with my parents.

Is that enough? Will that be enough?

*Sigh*

Oh great, Now I'm dwelling on the big question.... What is the purpose of my life???

What am I getting out of bed for everyday?

In the past, it's been small things like having a book from my favorite author to look forward to. Or another season of a favorite TV show to watch. Simple things like that.

Whoa. This is getting a bit sad isn't it? I didn't mean for things to get so heavy.

But life does go on, doesn't it? You just take it one moment at a time. There are priorities and those priorities enable me to enjoy life ...

I think that I will have to do some serious thinking though about what I want to accomplish with my life --- not that I want to cure cancer or run a marathon...it just seems like there should be more than just getting from one day to the next. From one paycheck to the next.

I probably just should just relax until I'm there and see how it goes shouldn't I?

OK. I will just ...chill.