What next?

I'm so so tired.

This year has been exhausting so far and it's only the beginning of March.

Right now I'm feeling like I could just implode or maybe I mean if one more thing happens, I just might shatter into a million pieces (oooh, who's feeling dramatic tonight??) too many....changes in a short span of time. Or maybe what I mean is too much excitement at one time is too much?

...my mother is back in the hospital again. She wasn't sleeping and her oxygen levels were dangerously low again. She picked up a cold which gave her a bad cough and this is the 2nd time she's been in the hospital in the last few weeks.

Last time they at least determined that she wouldn't need heart surgery. Thank god.

Tonight I stopped by to see her and while she was chatting with the Nursing Assistant Erin I was flipping through this book of poetry she put together a few years ago. She's really good. (Why she has that with her at the hospital is a question I'm gonna have to ask her.)

And I find myself so worried about her. I found out last night that the mother of one of very favorite singers died back in January and so maybe that's why I've been thinking about this so intensely tonight In regards to my own mother, while there have been times she's been an utter and complete bitch, she's also been the most amazing woman to have as my mother and if I lose her I don't think I could bear that. Tonight on my way home I started to think maybe it's time she lived in an assisted living environment ...wonder if that would even be possible with Pop able to still take care of her. And boy does he take care of her. And I feel like the worst daughter in the world for placing this responsibility squarely on his shoulders. I wonder if I'll be brave enough to have that conversation with him, with her...with them. Or is it really not that bad?

Anyway, I'm all fucking talk and no action and it's time I stepped up to the fucking plate.

Since things have ended with B, my mother has become my biggest cheerleader. Oh she was already a fan and thinks I'm brilliant and wonderful...but now it's like she's being the one that helps me feel like I'm a worthy person. Oh sure, I know I'm supposed to feel that all on my own...not get validation from anyone else but myself but there is something quite wonderful about having people in your life that are supportive, positive and think you're A OK.

And don't even get me started about the other woman in my family who is fucking amazing. My wise, insightful, talented, loving aunt Sally who has her own health issues and says she could literally could drop dead any day now. She's asked me to be the one who would make sure she would have a funeral service in a church. (WTF???? She better not die before I do!!!!) How can I say no when I'm really all she has? Her husband and son wouldn't do the church thing. She says Joel would probably just have her cremated and that's it. My mother is not up for this and Pop has enough on his plate with taking care of mom. Plus they wouldn't have anything to do with any churches that weren't their own. Her other siblings...my aunt Mindy up in Canada wouldn't probably go down to FL. And my uncle Steven is ...worthless...estranged from the family...well my mother anyway, in that he's never taken responsibility for his fucked up actions that messed my mother up ---oh sure, he's apologized but that's a long way from accepting responsibility for the terrible things you've done...isn't it? And Jason ...well, he also probably wouldn't have anything to do with a church.

And so somehow I would have to find depths of strength to do something unselfish while my heart was breaking and the unbearable loss was crushing me.

Fuck.

I would give anything to have the only things I needed to worry about had nothing to do with aging family and their poor health that could kill them way before it should.

And god, how much do I miss B. Being able to just talk to him and feel his love and support even if we couldn't be together. I've lately thought why can't I just have him in my life? We could just talk on the phone....be only friends. No boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Just dear old friends who are going to always be friends.

I'm so tied up and twisted with him that it probably isn't a good idea right now as much as it sounds like a lovely idea...in theory.

This year is all about me. Taking care of me...in a variety of ways. Seeing the things my mom and aunt are going through is quite the impetus to change and looking at the direction of my life...try to make choices that will ease some of the heartbreak and ensure me a minimum amount of physical discomfort. (...Uh, that makes sense right?)

It only took me until 2012 to do at least some of the things on THAT list of things to do this year over there (or down over there) -------------------------------------------------------------------- >
has finally been taken care of.

Eye exam & new glasses? Check. (Awesome new frames and Rx sunglasses too!)

Dentist appointment? Check. (Boo. Lower wisdom teeth should prob. come out and I've got cavities. :( )

---

After mom's last hospital stay and after she got home, I headed out to CA for a few days to visit Scotty. He's got the cutest apartment. It did me such a world of good to get away. To get out of town. To get my drink on, To escape from this life of mine for just a little bit. Scotty is a dear, generous, fun, loving soul. It made me really really happy to hear that he missed me and would love to have more frequent visits....(I swear to god that's what I got from our 3 a.m. conversation the first night I was there.) He seems to be happy even though I sense a little loneliness ...(or am I wrong???)

It was wonderful to spend time with a single person.

Much as I love R & K, being around them has been tough. I'm very very happy they've found each other but I don't want to be the third musketeer anymore.

So I'm going to be getting my own place and will move end of April/beginning of May. I'm ready for this next chapter of my life where I build my own nest again. While it would be smarter to buy, I don't think that is quite the right thing for me. Or is it? Maybe I should talk to Ruby again....(co-worker who also is real estate agent on the side.)

I'm pondering 3 choices. An amenities galore apartment downtown St. Paul, on the busline, with an indoor pool. But I'd have to get rid of the car (the insurance is killing me financially); a loft downtown St. Paul, a block away from the street where I'd pick up the one bus to work...living in a loft has been a dream of mine for a while...or a cute, quirky, charming, tiny 1 bedroom apartment in a 4-plex that has a 3-season porch that I can already see decorated with those tiny little tree lights -right on the busline as well ...the only con being that the laundry is in the basement...2 narrow flights of stairs down (had those as my last place and hated it.)

Either way, while it might be a bit lonely at times, I need to have my very own space. R did me a solid by letting me rent from him and move on from the home of the fabulous but it's time to start really living my life for me.

(Then again, I could change my mind yet again. There are advantages to literally paying your rent every two weeks.)

I might be able to keep the car if I go with the last option ....but when I think about living where there is a pool, I envision going swimming when I'm feeling sad and lonely. Or maybe I'd be motivated to use it frequently...swim laps and get my ass into better shape.

But maybe let's not go there tonight....my health. OK, so maybe I'll at least mention that I'm currently going to physical therapy once a week and doing some exercises to strengthen my "core" to help with the lower back pain....but that doesn't help my knees or the tendonitis/bursitis I've got in my right arm.

Anyhoo....did I mention I'm exhausted? The dentist appointment was at 8 a.m. this morning and you know how much I just LOVE getting up early...and since as usual I didn't go to bed early, I only had about 5 hours of sleep.

And it was a really really long week ...feeling beaten up by colleagues who keep trying to get me to not be so...nice. ("it's unfair to give that expectation to the customers because they won't get it from the others" ...WTF???) While I'm diggin' the fact that I've hung in over 4 1/2 years now and have earned 2 weeks of paid vacation, would it be to my benefit to look for a better fitting ...sales? job where my style of customer service is applauded not mocked or appreciated? Probably.

*Sigh*

What I do finally know (again?) is that I really really like group sales. I liked it before when I was doing a bit of it at the Opera and I like being in sales where there are repeat customers. I like putting it all together.

It's a relief to at least feel like that is one area of my life where I'm confident.

Hmmm. Do I feel like saying anything else right now?

Not so much. One raspberry woodchuck cider and I'm good and relaxed and sad and tired. I feel like calling my mother just to tell her I love her and goodnight. But can I do it without crying? (Haven't I cried enough tonight? (had a bit of a cry when writing about her in this post.)) I got a hold of her and nope. Couldn't do it. Said I just wanted to call and tell you again I love you and then I lost it. I let her go and now here come some fucking tears again. Geez, she's gonna be fine. She HAS to be fine. The alternative is unacceptable.

How can a person be a mess and have their shit together all at the same time? Welcome to my life.

2012. Here I am.

Here's the thing...things change. People change. Life is change.

It's a brand new year and already it's been filled with more excitement than I can stand.

I haven't seen B since last year. He's not even trying. And I'm almost not caring as much as I once did. How much longer can I live with the limited amount of love he can give?

So this is my life without him. I'm being reminded of that. It's not a bad place but it's also not a place full of light and love.

Isn't it enough that he loves me as I am? Shouldn't I just be happy that somebody loves me?

*Sigh*

This is THE year I will do those things on my to-do list. Go to the dentist. To the eye doctor. To physical therapy. It's about time I maybe just took some steps toward taking care of me...again.

I will be driving myself to those appointments in a different car.

The day I dreaded finally came...Suzette gave all she could but then couldn't give any more.

The one hand took away but the other gave back in that R was willing to gives me rides back and forth to work (I won't even whine about having to get up so bloody early to make that work :P)

The shit that happens to me is bearable because I have great people in my life who help me through it. I get reminded that I am very fortunate even when it seems like I'm not.

I'm taking a leap and have bought another car...from craigslist.com, without a mechanic checking it out first. Her name is Stella. She's a 2000 Chevy Lumina.

I am so sad about Suzette though. She was such a good car. She took a lot and kept going. I hope Stella shows me even half of the goodness Suzette did.

I know it seems silly to have become so emotional about a car, but here's the thing. The worst enemy of a poor person who is lucky enough to own a vehicle is the day when she needs repairs that are more than you can afford.

Owning a car is not really for the ...poor. I probably shouldn't own a car right now. I should just move and give up on having a car for awhile but I'm choosing to have the freedom and independence a car brings even if it costs too much.

R was able to get me a small personal loan to help out with paying for it. And the payments are affordable, do-able, if I just keep my financial priorities straight.

Well.

I guess those are just some thoughts for now. Maybe 2012 will also be the year where I get back into writing. I was just telling someone recently that my dream job would be to be a columnist. Be "Carrie Bradshaw". And there is really nothing preventing me from pursuing that dream...except the lack of motivation to actually do any kind of work at it, for it. :P

*Sigh*

Time to go put some warm jammies on and settle down for the night.

Later.

And now for something completely different.

Oh where to begin? I know I haven't been doing a whole lot of posting this year. I guess I've really just become consumed with lots of other distractions (er, FB games...) and haven't felt the desire to keep this active. I like telling people I have a blog though...I like having it. Now if only I would keep up with 'eh?

I am in a good place...life is good. And for a change, I am not sad about the holidays, like I usually am. I am throwing myself into them this year and saying "WTF, why not?" (And Thanksgiving was bearable because I got fed Turkey day food at work!) Instead of moping around and feeling like I'm not part of anything and keeping myself isolated, I'm embracing all the cheesy, wonderful things about it.

It started because R decided to also really jump on the wagon since K really digs it and is making the house a festive atmosphere. There is even a tree! A real tree. And we're gonna exchange presents! I've already done a ton of shopping (though admittedly as in years past, Merry Christmas to ME too, big time!!!)

R and K are in a way, my family too. And I love that I'm not alone. Living here with them has been a good thing.

(I am still eventually going to move out because I want to be back on a busline. And closer to the city. And frankly, in St. Paul. But for now I'm where I'm supposed (?) to be.)

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Things with B are both equally good and terrible. We've become even more intimate than we were before yet thoughts still buzz around in my brain that a sane person would pay attention to but I'm continuing to choose to purposely ignore them.

*Sigh*

He's been really great at making time to see me at least once a week for the last couple of months. I do think he knew it really could have ended. He's a lucky son of a bitch and he's been reminded that he needs to appreciate that.

☯☯☯☯☯

Jason finally went ahead and moved to a warmer climate. He gave CA & AZ a look but has ended up in TX since he's got guaranteed work down there.

Good for him. I hope he finally finds some happiness.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Hmm, what else? The mind is drawing a blank so I supposed I'll just stop here then.

And forward we go.

P.S. Oh! The girl(s) are just fine, it was just lymph nodes like my Dr. thought. Yahoo!

December 4 part I

Found this when going through some papers and it's a "keeper" hence this "post":

1. You will receive a body -love it or hate it -your body was given to you and you can't change that fact.

2. You will be presented with lessons.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

4. Lessons are repeated until they're learned. "What are you here to teach me?"

5. Learning does not end.

6. "There" is no better than "here" (um, not sure I agree with this one...FL is better than MN in December!)

7. Others are only mirrors of you {judgment} ...(huh?)

8. What you make of your life is up to you.

9. All of the answers live inside of you.

10. You will forget all of this at birth (again, huh? Reincarnation?)

Hmm. Well OK. I think I'm cool with some of that.

Not sure where it came from but apparently it was important enough at the time to write it down on a paycheck stub from some job. And in red ink. And I never use red ink.

Oh this was good

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I was musing on how slow I am to learn the
lessons I need to master -- how hard it can be to see the obvious secrets
that are right in front of me. But I felt better after I came across the logo
for the Jung Institute in San Francisco, which is dedicated to the study of
psychology and psychotherapy. The symbol that it has chosen to embody
its ruling spirit consists of four snails creeping their way around a center
point -- a witty acknowledgment of the plodding nature of the human
psyche. I bring this to your attention, Leo, because it's important for you
to give yourself credit for how much you've grown since the old days --
even if your progress seems intolerably gradual.

(freewillastrology from about 3 weeks ago but oh so fitting!)

Just something to keep/remember/read often

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Bet you never thought I'd be back...

Oh where to begin. Work has been really busy and when I get home I just want to veg and just not think about anything. Plus this computer isn't as nice as my last one and typing on it is kind of a pain. Moving over to groups was a great idea but I had no idea it would be as challenging and busy as it is.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. I had a mammogram screening week before last and there was something that they need to look at again. It's hopefully just lymph nodes and I've got nothing to worry about. When I told my mother about it, she said she isn't worried because she usually has to have repeat mammograms herself. Ahhhhh, the joy of big tits. :P

I'm not going to freak out until I have a reason to freak out. I'm also going on the pill for the first time EVER in my life. A grown woman of 41 finally going on the pill. Hilarious right? But my freakin' cycle is so out of whack. I'm hoping that it's just...well, NOT Peri-menopause. I'm too bloody young for that!

Things with B are still going. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. But I love him and he loves me. It just is what it is and no decisions are being made. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Lately I've decided also not to stress about the great big unanswered question of "what am I doing with my life" because my life is good and I'm content. It doesn't mean I won't ever think about school again. But work is interesting and challenging and keeps me busy.

I'm also seriously thinking about getting my own place (again.) While I'm enjoying living with R & K, I'm living with them. In their house. In their nest. I want my own. Whether or not I'll be able to get my own remains to be seen but I'm going to try. I would like something in St. Paul and/or closer to work. If all of my tickets and being license-less for a week taught me anything it's that I need to be able to have public transportation as a back-up. It was one thing to sneak over to a park & ride, it would be another if Suzette isn't running at all or in the shop and I have to take the bus to work.

I'd like to think that there are exciting things to write about but there really aren't...not that I can think of off the top of my head right now anyway.

So for now, this is all she wrote.