And now for something completely different.

Oh where to begin? I know I haven't been doing a whole lot of posting this year. I guess I've really just become consumed with lots of other distractions (er, FB games...) and haven't felt the desire to keep this active. I like telling people I have a blog though...I like having it. Now if only I would keep up with 'eh?

I am in a good place...life is good. And for a change, I am not sad about the holidays, like I usually am. I am throwing myself into them this year and saying "WTF, why not?" (And Thanksgiving was bearable because I got fed Turkey day food at work!) Instead of moping around and feeling like I'm not part of anything and keeping myself isolated, I'm embracing all the cheesy, wonderful things about it.

It started because R decided to also really jump on the wagon since K really digs it and is making the house a festive atmosphere. There is even a tree! A real tree. And we're gonna exchange presents! I've already done a ton of shopping (though admittedly as in years past, Merry Christmas to ME too, big time!!!)

R and K are in a way, my family too. And I love that I'm not alone. Living here with them has been a good thing.

(I am still eventually going to move out because I want to be back on a busline. And closer to the city. And frankly, in St. Paul. But for now I'm where I'm supposed (?) to be.)

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Things with B are both equally good and terrible. We've become even more intimate than we were before yet thoughts still buzz around in my brain that a sane person would pay attention to but I'm continuing to choose to purposely ignore them.

*Sigh*

He's been really great at making time to see me at least once a week for the last couple of months. I do think he knew it really could have ended. He's a lucky son of a bitch and he's been reminded that he needs to appreciate that.

☯☯☯☯☯

Jason finally went ahead and moved to a warmer climate. He gave CA & AZ a look but has ended up in TX since he's got guaranteed work down there.

Good for him. I hope he finally finds some happiness.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Hmm, what else? The mind is drawing a blank so I supposed I'll just stop here then.

And forward we go.

P.S. Oh! The girl(s) are just fine, it was just lymph nodes like my Dr. thought. Yahoo!

December 4 part I

Found this when going through some papers and it's a "keeper" hence this "post":

1. You will receive a body -love it or hate it -your body was given to you and you can't change that fact.

2. You will be presented with lessons.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

4. Lessons are repeated until they're learned. "What are you here to teach me?"

5. Learning does not end.

6. "There" is no better than "here" (um, not sure I agree with this one...FL is better than MN in December!)

7. Others are only mirrors of you {judgment} ...(huh?)

8. What you make of your life is up to you.

9. All of the answers live inside of you.

10. You will forget all of this at birth (again, huh? Reincarnation?)

Hmm. Well OK. I think I'm cool with some of that.

Not sure where it came from but apparently it was important enough at the time to write it down on a paycheck stub from some job. And in red ink. And I never use red ink.

Oh this was good

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I was musing on how slow I am to learn the
lessons I need to master -- how hard it can be to see the obvious secrets
that are right in front of me. But I felt better after I came across the logo
for the Jung Institute in San Francisco, which is dedicated to the study of
psychology and psychotherapy. The symbol that it has chosen to embody
its ruling spirit consists of four snails creeping their way around a center
point -- a witty acknowledgment of the plodding nature of the human
psyche. I bring this to your attention, Leo, because it's important for you
to give yourself credit for how much you've grown since the old days --
even if your progress seems intolerably gradual.

(freewillastrology from about 3 weeks ago but oh so fitting!)

Just something to keep/remember/read often

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Bet you never thought I'd be back...

Oh where to begin. Work has been really busy and when I get home I just want to veg and just not think about anything. Plus this computer isn't as nice as my last one and typing on it is kind of a pain. Moving over to groups was a great idea but I had no idea it would be as challenging and busy as it is.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. I had a mammogram screening week before last and there was something that they need to look at again. It's hopefully just lymph nodes and I've got nothing to worry about. When I told my mother about it, she said she isn't worried because she usually has to have repeat mammograms herself. Ahhhhh, the joy of big tits. :P

I'm not going to freak out until I have a reason to freak out. I'm also going on the pill for the first time EVER in my life. A grown woman of 41 finally going on the pill. Hilarious right? But my freakin' cycle is so out of whack. I'm hoping that it's just...well, NOT Peri-menopause. I'm too bloody young for that!

Things with B are still going. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. But I love him and he loves me. It just is what it is and no decisions are being made. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Lately I've decided also not to stress about the great big unanswered question of "what am I doing with my life" because my life is good and I'm content. It doesn't mean I won't ever think about school again. But work is interesting and challenging and keeps me busy.

I'm also seriously thinking about getting my own place (again.) While I'm enjoying living with R & K, I'm living with them. In their house. In their nest. I want my own. Whether or not I'll be able to get my own remains to be seen but I'm going to try. I would like something in St. Paul and/or closer to work. If all of my tickets and being license-less for a week taught me anything it's that I need to be able to have public transportation as a back-up. It was one thing to sneak over to a park & ride, it would be another if Suzette isn't running at all or in the shop and I have to take the bus to work.

I'd like to think that there are exciting things to write about but there really aren't...not that I can think of off the top of my head right now anyway.

So for now, this is all she wrote.

The Ride - Literally and Figuratively

Oh where to begin this time around. So much swirling around in my head. It's been one hell of a month so far. No seeing of B, finding out my license was suspended due to non-payment of that damn ticket I got when I didn't move over a lane because my exit was RIGHT there. (I kept meaning to go in and talk to them about it but kept putting it off and then between adjusted work hours for various trainings, Mom being in the hospital, Sally's visit, my birthday and then work being crazy busy, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.)

But it finally caught up with me ...and not only did I find out it was official that my license was suspended, I got a ticket (another expensive one!) for driving with a suspended license! Fuckin' A!

And this may be the time around when it's really over with B.

It all came to a head last weekend. The previous week he had to cancel on me 3 nights in a row and then when I suggested the weekend, it all fell apart and I reached a breaking point. Fuck you was uttered. Twice. (By me of course.) We've had our ups and downs and time to see each other is limited and precious. But I can only ride the ride for so long right? I know seeing someone in his situation is fraught with all sorts of challenges but this is getting ridiculous.

We didn't talk for a week. And then he called me. We had a bit of conversation but there was nothing really resolved. He said the thing he always says about having a lot going on and then he said the one thing he's NOT said before. The he doesn't know if he can give me what I want even though he wants to.

I sent him an email this morning, reminding him that he always has a lot going on and he always will but if he wants to be with me, he is going to have to find a way to make it work. And I'm not bluffing this time. He's perfectly capable of making time for me on a weekly basis...he's been doing it for years. I told him I'm not calling him and if he calls me today, I'm not picking up and that I will answer the call only when I know he's had time to read the email and is calling to make a date that he's gonna keep. But this is it. His last chance.

Maybe this comes across as overly-demanding of me considering how full his life is already between the family, the work and his properties, but as I mentioned, he's managed for years to find some time for me on a fairly regular basis.

I think what is at the heart of it all is that I'm finally ready to say that the relationship with him is not enough and I want more.

At the bottom of this blog is something that has helped me in numerous ways deal with the challenges of life -the list of the "Facts of Life" and one of them is one I've been trying to deny. "Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them."

Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them.

I used to think that if anything, I would at least be happy just to have him in my life...even if it was via an occasional phone call, but now I don't think I could even handle that. Talking to the man who I love so fucking much and when we're together, makes me feel so damn good and knowing I can't be with him would just be too fucking hard.

*Sigh*

Why can't I just be content with the crumbs of time and availability that he throws me?

And now here we are and I think things are really at the stage where I think it's going to be over and now I have to start preparing myself for that.

*[BIG] sigh*

It's a beautiful day out there and I should at least go out and get some sun and stop moping about in my cool, comforting nest/cave.

But first, I should go ahead and write about taking the bus again. It sure has been a humbling experience. And I'm reminded of how precious even one minute can be. In the world of bus-riding it means the difference between making the connection and getting to work early, on time or late. Riding the bus is all about time. Watching it, obsessing about it.

Riding the bus means feeling kind of gross when I reach my destination...like there is a layer of city schmutz on me that I need to wash off (the first thing I do when I get to work or get home is wash my hands.) Riding the bus means lots of time waiting between some of the connections and increased smoking. Riding the bus means interacting on a surface level with a variety of people and seeing all sorts of characters...young, old, in-between, black, white, brown, short, tall, fat, skinny...and we've all got our headphones on, our noses in a book or are on our phones, surfing or texting.

Riding the bus reminds me of why it is that I've said I don't want children. I used to say it was because there were so many brats on the bus but what it really is that, if I had children, at some point, I'm sure I would be one of those women who has to take their kids on the bus. My mother did that with us when we were kids and and it was fun for us, but I'm sure it was not as fun for her. I think in some ways that is part of my not wanting children...knowing that my economic status isn't really going to change and I refuse to raise a child the way I was raised. I love my parent's, don't get me wrong, but money was ALWAYS a problem. Oh sure we had enough for a roof over our heads and food on the table but money was "always too tight to mention." Maybe those don't seem like good enough reasons to not have a child but they matter. A child is a huge responsibility financially and otherwise. That's what having a child means to me anyway. It's another person to take care of and taking care of myself alone is sometimes a challenge.

Riding the bus means being at the mercy of a lot of outside factors (hey, I just realized this is what I say at work about flights!!!!!) and when you miss that specific connection that you need in order to get to work on time and have to wait a 1/2 hour for the next bus to get you there...

Now on the flip side, riding the bus means not dealing with obnoxious stupid drivers on the road. Riding the bus means air-conditioning. Riding the bus means I'm doing my tiny part for the environment. Riding the bus means getting to spend a lot of time listening to music and getting reacquainted with the massive library of songs I've got on my ipod.

But now that I've paid that ticket that got me in this mess to begin with, I can hardly stand the wait in getting my license reinstated (I paid on Friday and it takes a couple of business days to happen) because I want to be driving my car again! I want my freedom and independence back!

Because that is what riding the bus does NOT mean. You are at the mercy of time. You have limited freedom and independence. Granted, we have pretty good public transportation in this town but it's not the same as being able to hop in your car and do what you want or need to when you want to or need to.

Now I just have to hope that this new ticket doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. A co-worker thinks that if they find out that I got a ticket for driving with a suspended license, they may suspend it again...but that doesn't seem right. The action (or lack of in this case, not paying that ticket) caused the reaction (the suspension) and now that has been paid...so...right?

But still I'll have to get that paid next paycheck. And hope by doing that, this whole mess will be behind me.

OK, time for coffee and food and sun and a cigarette.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Just a short post because I have to put it out there now, right this instant, that I'm so fucking lucky. I've got so many people in my life that love me.

I know this. I need to always remember this, especially when those times come around when I feel like I'm all alone in the world.

The celebrating actually started on Friday when we had a lovely dinner and Kari made me yummy strawberry cheesecake cupcakes! Then I had Scott to call me and wish me a HB before I went to bed last night and Sally here visiting and Kari here and both of them wishing me a HB when I got up. I had a card from Nita waiting for me when I got to work and another card from a bunch of other people in the department when I came back from lunch.

And even if my evening with B didn't go quite as planned, I had Ryan, Kari and Sally here when I got home to share more love with me...

(The thing I forgot to do though was call my mother and say "thank you." I will call her tomorrow morning after I drop Sally off at the airport. (I'll write about that visit another time.))

A good day, with wonderful presents! Amongst them, stuffed animals for the child in me, scented candles for the me that loves good smells, cash for the not so responsible with money part of me and jewelry for the woman in me.

And how awesome is it that I got to be with the people, in one way or another, that mean the most to me.

I feel loved. I am loved.