New Beginnings

So it's now been almost 2 weeks since the move and I'm settling into my new place...slowly.

The move was tougher than I thought...leaving the animals who while driving me crazy also gave me unconditional love and affection. But now I will just remain content to love them from afar.

Time to just take care of me and me alone.

And there are a lot of ways I need to do that.

I need to stop getting in my own way, especially at work. I may hate parts of my job (keeping track of my damn stats!) but I find it's easier to bear after I've had that one-on-one with my manager and gotten both praise, support and a gentle kick in the ass. I have to stop getting in my own way. And I have to make sure I'm actually there to do that.

So I'm looking at my new living life as a new beginning. Since I've moved in, I haven't called in sick. The next paycheck will be the first one that has the full 80 hours on it. I think I'm inspired by Ryan. We both struggle with getting to work when we're unhappy but he's really come a long way and is getting himself to work and he's doing what needs to get done...in a lot of ways. No excuses, no whining. Just getting it done, whatever it may be.

Last night we spent some quality time together for the first time since I moved in and it turns out we have other things in common that I wasn't aware prior to now.

Yet, he's also the opposite from me in that he actually wants and envisions things for his future. So last night I decided that it was time I started thinking about my future or at least what I want for my life. But it's such a foreign concept.

I've had to focus so hard the last few years on just getting from moment to moment...keeping my head down and one foot in front of the other...in a dark room...wearing a blindfold...that I'm missing out on things. Granted I still need my alone time (I was reminded of that today as I was out and about interacting with the world doing errands) but I need to find the balance with being social and being with good people. Oh this is not a new subject though is it?

I'm taking baby steps though...tonight was about having dinner with the lovebirds and a week from this Saturday I'm making brunch for us. And it's something to look forward to...I guess I haven't had a lot of things to look forward to lately. Fun things. I should find a way to save up for a little trip to ...somewhere, anywhere and get out of my comfort zone.

Moving out of the Fabulous' was certainly a good start to shaking things up wasn't it? I'm torn between wanting to try to put down in words how hard it was to leave that life from the physical to the emotional or just let it be what it was. No need to dwell on the past right? Appreciate it for the gift it was, learn from it and move on.

So here I am...new walls around me. New roof over my head. New garage to park in. And yet I think I need to really actually do something about my....life. No more talking the talk but walking the walk

I've got so many excuses but I'm tired of going around in the same circles. And I need stories to tell. :P

A new beginning

I'm here. Moved and living a new in a new home. I think it's a great stepping-stone to my living alone again.

So here's the thing - whenever I am feeling that, I'm pondering ending my relationship with B, While there is love and amazing sex, the lows are so fucking low. I just want someone to love me and have some time for me. And I am great with only 1 day a week.

I haven't had that with him in about 3 weeks and it's driving me nuts...because now it's gonna be another 2 weeks at least.

He is now off on his "annual vacation" with them. Them. The reason he is not mine.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight about my new life, well, living situation (which actually should influence more activity on the former) and it occurs to me that B hasn't seen this place yet (well, it's not even been a week yet) but maybe this will the place I am when I finally decide to live a B free life.

But I love him so much. That's what usually happens. My love refuses to give up. He's [been] worth it in the end. Will he be this time? We'll see.

OOOOoooooh how appropriate..."Eat. Pray. Love" on instant play on Netflix. How fitting for my frame of mind these days.

So I think I might need to watch that movie again because I was trying to hard to read something into it that would be fitting for me and my life that I missed what might be fitting for me and my life.

Um, er, ahem...

Just another post written in the middle of the night. I'm actually a bit sleepy having just taken a shower. I've discovered I dig taking my shower at night because then I can sleep in just that little bit longer in the "morning".

I know I haven't posted in awhile. You know how it is right? Life just keeps happening and takes over. The wild thing is that I'm so overwhelmed and anxious about certain things that you'd think that writing about them would make me feel better but it's like I've got so much going on in my head and to try to even put it all down in writing is too much. My ordinary, humdrum life is being given a toss and turn. I'm still pissed off about the break-in and that they took my computer. I keep wondering if I'm going to find the house broken into again when I get home from work. I worry about the new computer and have been hiding it. Speaking of the new computer, I am very grateful I was given the opportunity to get it sooner rather than later but indulge me a bit in my whining about how it's not as nice as my other one. It's not as comfortable to "type" on I'm discovering as I write this post tonight, the first significant bit of writing I've done on it. And then there is that it heats up so quickly compared to the other one. Maybe I'll be able to someday afford an "upgrade" to that other one again. Working for Troy is going to only be a good thing for me financially. I've done one project so far and soon will be doing more....

But anyway...here I am. With change on the horizon. With excitement at the next chapter in my life story. But also with a little fear in my gut.

The change? Moving. Moving again. Out of the fabulous' house. In less than a week now. Moving in with Ryan, to rent out his basement. I still think it's wild how I only really intended to be here for a few months...maybe a year. And then that turned into about 2 1/2 years. She gave me a home...but more than that, came to my rescue in a variety of ways more times that I can count or will ever be able to thank her for. It is not lost on me that as a grown woman of 40 that I should not need rescuing but well, we all need help sometimes I guess. Right?

I'm not looking forward to the actual process of moving but then again, as it'll be my brother and Pop helping out once again, along with a co-worker and her truck and the lack of possessions I own I think we'll be done in a couple of hours. At least I hope that's the case as I have to work my usual shift that day!

I think Ryan and I will be good roommates. We're good friends but not joined at the hip and with our opposite schedules, again, it's an ideal set up for a roommate scenario. Plus with my being in the basement we'll each have our own space. And our own bathrooms!

The fear? On Wednesday (coincidentally also B's birthday!) I have to go to court for my accident with no car insurance. Finally. While I'm glad I'll be able to put it behind me, I'm freaking out about whether or not they're going to either take my license or throw me in jail or both! Everyone keeps telling me that it'll be fine but they've never been in my shoes! Various results from my search on "Google" say the same thing -because it is a misdemeanor "The Court can order you to serve up to 90 days of jail time. Other penalties for driving without insurance in Minnesota can be license suspension or revocation of your registration." . It's a first (and fucking last) offense so I'm going to pray neither of those things happen. Yup. I'm really gonna pray on this one. (Don't tell my parent's but I do actually pray sometimes...a lot of times to just give thanks for all the things I am thankful for...I don't think prayer or religion is only for the bad times...OK, not gonna get into all of that right now)

Anyhoo...my brother, the coolest big brother EVER is going to go with me, in fact drive me, just in case. I'm more grateful for the moral support than anything. I'm so glad I don't have to go and do it alone.

One way or another I will just have to deal with the consequences won't I? If I'm not mistaken I believe my new place is on a bus route too so if the worst that happened was the loss of my license then I'd still be able to get back and forth to work ...that would totally fucking suck but it wouldn't be the end of the world would it?

And think of the money I'd save on insurance and gas and repairs/maintenance! But oh how I'd mourn the loss of my freedom.

OK, OK, OK, this is why whenever I start thinking about going to court I get sick to my stomach. Time to think of something else. I will just hope and pray for the best and focus on the positive.

Ah crap, it's now 3am. I should think of calling it a night. OK. I think this will have to be enough for tonight.

G'night.

P.S. Am including a song that will hopefully remind me of another topic I'm going to revisit soon. Enjoy! Oh nevermind. Can't find a good "video" to embed for Colin Hay's "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin". Poo.

Here we go again.

Another post from the work computer.

Some fuckers broke in the Fabulous' house on Monday night. They took my laptop. The fuckers. They really did a number on the front door but I guess we should be grateful they didn't destroy anything else. And I know I'm grateful they didn't decide to harm the animals because I'm sure Pickles was barking up a storm. Good puppy!

But this is really all I'm going to say for now...I'm not going to go into all of the details...mostly because this is just an update post because I want to leave...though what am I hurrying home to?

I'm being reminded again just how dependent I am on having my own computer w/internet access. So time to reacquaint myself with reading, videos, DVD's and...going to bed at a halfway decent time!

Well, OK...

Onward. With prayers that her homeowner's insurance goes ahead and pays for a new computer (a girl can dream right?)

Nope, not gonna be easy money

It's gonna take organization, creativity and consistency to do the job and the compensation is fair.

I'm so excited and happy about this opportunity to work for/with Troy that it really has me thinking about the full-time job and if I can bear to stick with it.

I posted this status on FB the other day..."would almost rather poke my eyes out with a sharp stick that go to work "tomorrow" (saturday)"

and it's true.

While some of the callers are great ...and I get a kick out of selling the higher and/or premium cabin fares, overall the job feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders. And most of the pressure is called "stats". Worrying about them everyday, obsessing over them. You wouldn't think it would be so hard to maintain a decent amount of time being available for phone calls but it is. I'm also bored and so so tired of the same goddamn questions..."how many miles do I have", etc. Yet I still just want to be able to help as many as can w/out the pressure to get them off the phone or sell them on some damn credit card.

I've been saying that I'm burning out. I give 110% percent and it's catching up with me. But in thinking about looking for a new job (here we go again) there still is the reality that in this economy, with all of the other competition out there, that finding a new FT job that rewards good customer service w/out the pressure of the call center life may just be a dream.

So I am going to allow myself to take as much PTO as I want and focus on doing a good and productive job for Troy and have the airline job as just something I do to keep flight benefits. I'll go, do my thing and just get through the shift one hour at a time.

Did I mention how excited I am about what I'm going to be doing? I'll be his marketing assistant and responsible for the mailings of everything from direct mail letters, cards, gifts and invites to events. I can't help but feel a wee bit ...guilty about taking work away from maybe someone else who A. needs a job and B. has more experience in the field. I won't lie. I'm rusty on word processing programs, spreadsheets and mail merges but I am finding lots of help via that oh so wonderful search engine that is "Google"!

And I know that I deserve this opportunity and I WILL shine and help him become a lean, mean, organized, VP who stands out from the crowd. It's like all of this has awakened that part of me that enjoys being a big fish in a small pond. Being important and OMG, needed! Strangely I don't get that feeling from Delta. Even when there are a million calls on hold because hundreds of flights are canceled due to weather, I don't feel needed in that job. I'm merely a cog in the wheel. One of hundreds. The lowest on the totem pole.

Does Troy have any idea of the gift that he's giving me, just to feel this good about working a job? I'm going to have to do my best not to gush or thank him too much. I do have a tendency to go on a bit don't I? I guess I just feel so damn lucky.

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Speaking of lucky...the tax refund gods were smiling on me this year. I've already filed AND gotten both my federal and state refunds back. And they were halfway decent amounts to boot! Goodbye $200+ Dr. bill that's been hanging over my head since last summer! And I'm pretty much caught up w/the Fabulous on rent & utilities and for sure will be back on track by the time I move next month (crikey! just a little over a month left here...) The guy I was in the accident with is paid off. That will help I'm sure when I go to court to deal with the consequences of my actions (or lack of action!) ...yeah, I'm gonna have to go to court after all. I thought that might be the case but then thought differently but now it's been confirmed. Am just waiting for the summons...

We're getting some money from profit sharing at the end of the month and I will sock that away toward my fines/ticket. I hope that by paying the fine in full and being very humble and this being my first offense that they won't take my license away or worse, throw me in jail! I should be more nervous and/or worried but I just can't think about that right now. I will just have to deal with it when it all happens. Jason said that if he wasn't working or on a job when my court date rolls around that he'd go with me. Thank god. This is going to be scary enough as it is. (I guess I better have a back-up in case he's not available since I feel that way...any volunteers?)

In spite of that, I feel lucky! I finally got around to dealing with finding a better rate for my car insurance and found way better...and I solemnly swear will never ever ever be without it again as long as I'm driving a car and will hopefully never have to go through all this shit again.

While I mostly paid bills, I did treat myself to a couple of things with the tax money...new underwear, a skirt and a shirt. I may have splurged a bit on the skirt but it's a beautiful long black sweater skirt...and while I already have several other black skirts, this one is "just right"...

OK, so it's like going on 3am and by the time I proof/edit this I'm sure it'll be after 3 so I'm going to just stop here for tonight.

More to come!

What I should have said was...

Ridiculously over paid AND easy money???? Or why on earth would it pay so well? Is it that terrible of a job?

So my mind is a racing a million miles an hour thinking more about this job I'm gonna do for Troy.

So many questions! We're talking tomorrow or Friday and hopefully I'll get a clearer picture of how this will work and the expectations.

I'm even pondering asking if maybe I shouldn't work out of his home base until after I move (less to move!!!!) plus then he doesn't have to schlep supplies over to me...the downside to that is that I'd have to get dressed and leave my house for this and it was kind of a nice idea that I could do this at home, in my PJ's!

Meh. We'll just see what we see after we talk about this some more.

In the meantime, I'm gonna do me a little more research on Variable Annuities and mail merges! Woo hoo. There is some exciting reading! :P

Ridiculously Over Paid or Easy Money?

Sometimes you can just be rolling along and living a boring life and then WHAM! Something exciting comes along...

Last week a former co-worker, Kathy, from a job I had years ago sent me an email telling me that one of my former "bosses", Troy, was looking for someone to do some Marketing work part-time and she gave him my email address. I half-jokingly asked Kathy if he asked for me or was just telling her that he was looking for anyone for this and she said he called her specifically looking for ME!!!! Talk about flippin' flattering! (Thank goodness I've kept in touch with her over the years, even if it's only the occasional email!)

Here's a little background...

Years ago I went through a temp phase job-wise and had all sorts of administrative/clerical & data entry gigs. One assignment was for a company called CUNA Mutual.

The job was to provide administrative support for a Financial Representative in a credit union, The woman I supported was named Lynn and she was awesome. Doing that temp gig was the coolest in all the assignments I'd had up to that point. I got a kick out of being someone's "assistant". (Finally felt like I'd found a job I really liked again after spending years getting nowhere doing another type of work I loved, arts ticketing and then dealing with the drudgery of office work)

After that assignment ended, I had some other jobs...(not that I remember what I did after that since that was like almost a decade ago now!) Anyhoo, a little bit of time passed and then since they/CUNA liked me well enough, they asked specifically (there's that word again...couldn't find a better one) for me to come and do another temp assignment with some Rep's at Postal Credit Union. Troy was one of the 2 Rep's I supported between a couple of their branches.

The woman who had been doing the job, Kelly? was going on maternity leave. After her leave was up, they kept me on with her, but part-time. Eventually they were able to make it permanent and full-time because Kelly decided to quit (she was moving out of state with her husband and the baby if I remember correctly?) The other Rep (I don't remember his name) eventually left, so it was just Troy and I doing our thing between the North St. Paul and West. St. Paul branches. As the nature of the beast that is life, things changed. Had the PCU had not decided to take over the Financial Services program and have their own Representative and decide to have one of their own employees supporting the Rep, I would have kept working for him and might still be working for him today.

I was totally bummed but that didn't last long because fate intervened and it turned out that Lynn, the first Rep. I'd supported needed someone to support her at US Federal Credit on a permanent, full-time basis as well. You know I'm not religious right? But that experience was one of the few times I truly felt that someone was looking out for me (you know, the big guy "upstairs"!).

While I was sad to not be working with Troy anymore, Getting to work with Lynn again was enough to make it not seem like the end of the world. They both were completely different in their styles and how they worked. Troy's strength was/is in dealing with his clients in person and would leave pretty much ALL of the administrative/office side of things to me. Lynn, while wonderful, was very self-sufficient (just a tiny example of that was that I would take care of his voice mail with writing down the messages and then reviewing them with him and she always listened to her own and kept track of them...not that I was complaining...I got to get really good at my job and later actually grew bored because it was not a challenging enough of a position...but we'll just skip the rest of that story)

I still say, to this day, that both of them are on my top 5 "bosses" of all time list.

So fast-forward to now.

After I got the email from Kathy, she sent me his phone number and I left him a slightly babbling voice mail last Tuesday. We finally touched base this morning before I left for work (thank goodness, the suspense was killing me!) and there have been lots of changes for him career-wise. He is no longer a practicing Financial Representative/Planner but now is on the Wholesale side of things and sells a specific Variable Annuity for a company called SunAmerica to other Financial Representatives and Stockbrokers. He said he pretty much works out of his car, has an office in his car and spends most of his time out on the road making sales calls. It's his own business and his wife does most of his administrative work. He also has a scheduler and an internal wholesaler who helps with the follow-up on the annuity once it's sold.

What he needs, is looking for, is he'd like [me] to be part of "Team Troy" in being the person who is responsible for the mailings that are sent to out prospective clients -everything thing from thank-you's, "trinkets" (pens, etc.), to mailings of what I can only assume are introductory letters and information about the "product".

He would supply everything, supplies, printer, postage, etc. And I would only have to spend about 5-7 hours a week on this. And the pay is $25/hr.

$25 an hour.

$25 an hour.

I can work from home (will have to create a "home office" environment and find a place to store the supplies and "trinkets"). I can do it when I want. I don't have to get up early (hallefuckingjulah) or go anywhere, except for the post-office. I don't have to "dress" up. I don't have to interview for this! It's mine if I want it. OMG.

Am I fucking dreaming or what?

We have a lot more to talk about and will be talking again on Friday morning. I've already got a bunch of questions for him and will have a million more by the time Friday rolls around. I'm going to want to do a good job and make the most of this opportunity.

I've got to remember or figure out mail merging again!

So wow huh?

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Boy, can life ever be interesting sometimes. It's time I remind myself of things I have to be grateful for. (Maybe by focusing on some positive things it'll distract me from the actual pain in my neck that I woke up with today. It hurts like a motherfucker. But I don't want to go to the doctor because he's only going to recommend more physical therapy instead of a chiropractor...actually you know what? Fuck that, I'm getting nice amounts of tax refunds this year (thank god!) and along with catching up some rent w/the Fabulous and paying off my ticket from that damn accident (the guy is finally paid off though, Yee Haw) I might just go ahead and pay for an appointment with one...and I think it would be a reimbursable expense from my FSA funds...?) Anyhoo...where was I?

Oh yeah, the things I'm grateful for.

I found cheaper car insurance. It helps that I can use my new upcoming address (did I mention moving is happening mid-March? Yup, gonna rent from Ryan. Totally excited about that but I'll talk about all of that in a bit) and signed up for renter's insurance. The savings of like $75 or so bucks a month will help my bottom line.

Hmm...what else? Well, the moving thing.

Ryan found a really great house and the closing will be on Feb. 18th barring any unforeseen complications (of which I hope there are none that can't be overcome)

It's in Robbinsdale and has the perfect set-up for renting to someone with it's finished basement with a toilet and shower. It also has a 2 car garage and a cute little patio/deck.

The commute to work will be similar, maybe a wee bit longer, but easy as it's mostly freeway (please let Suzette keep runnin'!) of Highway 100 and 494. I will be sad to leave the home that the Fabulous has given me the last 2+ years but life is changing for her big time and it's time for me to move on. I don't know how long I'll be with Ryan but I'm going to take the time to really get my financial shit in order so that maybe someday I can get my own place again. I'm so tired of moving. Thank goodness I don't have a lot of stuff. (I'm actually tempted to get rid of even more of the few things I have, but a lot of it is what I call my "history" in the form of journals, photos and date books/calendars that date back years and years.)

Sheesh, it's late and I've yet to devote any time to the zillons of FB games that I "play"! Maybe I'll just take the night off and let the crops wither and the food/drinks spoil. I've got the latest Nora Roberts novel "The Search" waiting for me to dive back into and of course work tomorrow so maybe I'll even try to get to bed at a reasonable time...Oh who are we kidding?

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Valentine's Day is coming up and other than 2 great cards I found for B, I have no idea what to do for him this year. I think I'll need to spend a little time thinking about what he'd like (besides the obvious! :P). I hope he gets me at least a card that is as absofuckinglutely awesome as last years...that one was the best card he's EVER given me (and then the birthday one, the significant 40th birthday one was the most boring and impersonal card ever..what was up with that? Uh, guess I'm not quite over that yet am I? Get over it Sam! He shows his love to you in a thousand other little ways and it all counts in the big picture!)

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Work sucks as usual. Between the pressure to maintain stats (calls per hour, talk time, etc.) and the massive amounts of canceled flights from volcanic ash, improper scheduling of flights w/out the crews to work 'em and fucking winter storms/snow, it's been a nightmare for months. But I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful I have job. (Oh to only really truly believe that)

Well...I think I'll just stop here for tonight. I'm sure I'm forgetting to write about something but I can't think of it (obviously :P ) so I guess just...

Onward. With scads and scads of things to do to be prepared for this new part-time gig.