Sometimes you can just be rolling along and living a boring life and then WHAM! Something exciting comes along...
Last week a former co-worker, Kathy, from a job I had years ago sent me an email telling me that one of my former "bosses", Troy, was looking for someone to do some Marketing work part-time and she gave him my email address. I half-jokingly asked Kathy if he asked for me or was just telling her that he was looking for anyone for this and she said he called her specifically looking for ME!!!! Talk about flippin' flattering! (Thank goodness I've kept in touch with her over the years, even if it's only the occasional email!)
Here's a little background...
Years ago I went through a temp phase job-wise and had all sorts of administrative/clerical & data entry gigs. One assignment was for a company called CUNA Mutual.
The job was to provide administrative support for a Financial Representative in a credit union, The woman I supported was named Lynn and she was awesome. Doing that temp gig was the coolest in all the assignments I'd had up to that point. I got a kick out of being someone's "assistant". (Finally felt like I'd found a job I really liked again after spending years getting nowhere doing another type of work I loved, arts ticketing and then dealing with the drudgery of office work)
After that assignment ended, I had some other jobs...(not that I remember what I did after that since that was like almost a decade ago now!) Anyhoo, a little bit of time passed and then since they/CUNA liked me well enough, they asked specifically (there's that word again...couldn't find a better one) for me to come and do another temp assignment with some Rep's at Postal Credit Union. Troy was one of the 2 Rep's I supported between a couple of their branches.
The woman who had been doing the job, Kelly? was going on maternity leave. After her leave was up, they kept me on with her, but part-time. Eventually they were able to make it permanent and full-time because Kelly decided to quit (she was moving out of state with her husband and the baby if I remember correctly?) The other Rep (I don't remember his name) eventually left, so it was just Troy and I doing our thing between the North St. Paul and West. St. Paul branches. As the nature of the beast that is life, things changed. Had the PCU had not decided to take over the Financial Services program and have their own Representative and decide to have one of their own employees supporting the Rep, I would have kept working for him and might still be working for him today.
I was totally bummed but that didn't last long because fate intervened and it turned out that Lynn, the first Rep. I'd supported needed someone to support her at US Federal Credit on a permanent, full-time basis as well. You know I'm not religious right? But that experience was one of the few times I truly felt that someone was looking out for me (you know, the big guy "upstairs"!).
While I was sad to not be working with Troy anymore, Getting to work with Lynn again was enough to make it not seem like the end of the world. They both were completely different in their styles and how they worked. Troy's strength was/is in dealing with his clients in person and would leave pretty much ALL of the administrative/office side of things to me. Lynn, while wonderful, was very self-sufficient (just a tiny example of that was that I would take care of his voice mail with writing down the messages and then reviewing them with him and she always listened to her own and kept track of them...not that I was complaining...I got to get really good at my job and later actually grew bored because it was not a challenging enough of a position...but we'll just skip the rest of that story)
I still say, to this day, that both of them are on my top 5 "bosses" of all time list.
So fast-forward to now.
After I got the email from Kathy, she sent me his phone number and I left him a slightly babbling voice mail last Tuesday. We finally touched base this morning before I left for work (thank goodness, the suspense was killing me!) and there have been lots of changes for him career-wise. He is no longer a practicing Financial Representative/Planner but now is on the Wholesale side of things and sells a specific Variable Annuity for a company called SunAmerica to other Financial Representatives and Stockbrokers. He said he pretty much works out of his car, has an office in his car and spends most of his time out on the road making sales calls. It's his own business and his wife does most of his administrative work. He also has a scheduler and an internal wholesaler who helps with the follow-up on the annuity once it's sold.
What he needs, is looking for, is he'd like [me] to be part of "Team Troy" in being the person who is responsible for the mailings that are sent to out prospective clients -everything thing from thank-you's, "trinkets" (pens, etc.), to mailings of what I can only assume are introductory letters and information about the "product".
He would supply everything, supplies, printer, postage, etc. And I would only have to spend about 5-7 hours a week on this. And the pay is $25/hr.
$25 an hour.
$25 an hour.
I can work from home (will have to create a "home office" environment and find a place to store the supplies and "trinkets"). I can do it when I want. I don't have to get up early (hallefuckingjulah) or go anywhere, except for the post-office. I don't have to "dress" up. I don't have to interview for this! It's mine if I want it. OMG.
Am I fucking dreaming or what?
We have a lot more to talk about and will be talking again on Friday morning. I've already got a bunch of questions for him and will have a million more by the time Friday rolls around. I'm going to want to do a good job and make the most of this opportunity.
I've got to remember or figure out mail merging again!
So wow huh?
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Boy, can life ever be interesting sometimes. It's time I remind myself of things I have to be grateful for. (Maybe by focusing on some positive things it'll distract me from the actual pain in my neck that I woke up with today. It hurts like a motherfucker. But I don't want to go to the doctor because he's only going to recommend more physical therapy instead of a chiropractor...actually you know what? Fuck that, I'm getting nice amounts of tax refunds this year (thank god!) and along with catching up some rent w/the Fabulous and paying off my ticket from that damn accident (the guy is finally paid off though, Yee Haw) I might just go ahead and pay for an appointment with one...and I think it would be a reimbursable expense from my FSA funds...?) Anyhoo...where was I?
Oh yeah, the things I'm grateful for.
I found cheaper car insurance. It helps that I can use my new upcoming address (did I mention moving is happening mid-March? Yup, gonna rent from Ryan. Totally excited about that but I'll talk about all of that in a bit) and signed up for renter's insurance. The savings of like $75 or so bucks a month will help my bottom line.
Hmm...what else? Well, the moving thing.
Ryan found a really great house and the closing will be on Feb. 18th barring any unforeseen complications (of which I hope there are none that can't be overcome)
It's in Robbinsdale and has the perfect set-up for renting to someone with it's finished basement with a toilet and shower. It also has a 2 car garage and a cute little patio/deck.
The commute to work will be similar, maybe a wee bit longer, but easy as it's mostly freeway (please let Suzette keep runnin'!) of Highway 100 and 494. I will be sad to leave the home that the Fabulous has given me the last 2+ years but life is changing for her big time and it's time for me to move on. I don't know how long I'll be with Ryan but I'm going to take the time to really get my financial shit in order so that maybe someday I can get my own place again. I'm so tired of moving. Thank goodness I don't have a lot of stuff. (I'm actually tempted to get rid of even more of the few things I have, but a lot of it is what I call my "history" in the form of journals, photos and date books/calendars that date back years and years.)
Sheesh, it's late and I've yet to devote any time to the zillons of FB games that I "play"! Maybe I'll just take the night off and let the crops wither and the food/drinks spoil. I've got the latest Nora Roberts novel "The Search" waiting for me to dive back into and of course work tomorrow so maybe I'll even try to get to bed at a reasonable time...Oh who are we kidding?
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Valentine's Day is coming up and other than 2 great cards I found for B, I have no idea what to do for him this year. I think I'll need to spend a little time thinking about what he'd like (besides the obvious! :P). I hope he gets me at least a card that is as absofuckinglutely awesome as last years...that one was the best card he's EVER given me (and then the birthday one, the significant 40th birthday one was the most boring and impersonal card ever..what was up with that? Uh, guess I'm not quite over that yet am I? Get over it Sam! He shows his love to you in a thousand other little ways and it all counts in the big picture!)
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Work sucks as usual. Between the pressure to maintain stats (calls per hour, talk time, etc.) and the massive amounts of canceled flights from volcanic ash, improper scheduling of flights w/out the crews to work 'em and fucking winter storms/snow, it's been a nightmare for months. But I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful I have job. (Oh to only really truly believe that)
Well...I think I'll just stop here for tonight. I'm sure I'm forgetting to write about something but I can't think of it (obviously :P ) so I guess just...
Onward. With scads and scads of things to do to be prepared for this new part-time gig.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Anniversary
Before I write this post tonight, I really should move my lazy butt up off this bed and walk the 3 feet to the bathroom. Not sure why I'm putting it off. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
I'm just so warm and cozy snuggled up under my comforter. Enjoying the feel of freshly laundered sheets. B was over tonight and it was a nice slice of domesticity to have his help in turning the mattress around and then putting the sheets on the bed.
Tomorrow, technically now today since it's after midnight, is the anniversary of making the choice to put poor Louis out of his misery. The hardest day (outside of the days of finding out my grandpa had died and the day of his funeral) of my young life.
I still think of him, Louis, every single day in one way or another. Usually when I'm in my room and looking around at his favorite places to sleep, like the end of the bed. Sebastian has adopted that now and it's sweet. I am grateful that the Fabulous has her "kids" that have become dear to me and fill some of the space that was left in my heart after saying good-bye to Louis.
Sebastian, with his fur several shades of ginger is actually about the same size and sheds just about as much! ...but that is the only thing they have in common. Louis was a cranky old man w/everyone else especially in the last year or so of his life and Sebastian is more of a lover not a fighter and sweet as can be.
But will I ever want another pet of my own again? No. Nope. No. I am content with loving the pets in the house and will miss them when it comes time to move out but I am still done with taking on the responsibilities of my own. The ability to not only feed and clean up after them combined with loving care and attention is just a bit much for me now. (I'm not exactly succeeding 100% in taking proper care of myself let alone another)...it feels a bit selfish when I know there are lots of animals that need loving homes out there but I am just going to draw that line in the sand.
So a year ago it felt like the end of the world and I never thought I would be done with the crying but life just goes on doesn't it? You keep just getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other.
I hope that wherever Louis and/or his spirit is, he knows I miss him, will always miss him.
I'm just so warm and cozy snuggled up under my comforter. Enjoying the feel of freshly laundered sheets. B was over tonight and it was a nice slice of domesticity to have his help in turning the mattress around and then putting the sheets on the bed.
Tomorrow, technically now today since it's after midnight, is the anniversary of making the choice to put poor Louis out of his misery. The hardest day (outside of the days of finding out my grandpa had died and the day of his funeral) of my young life.
I still think of him, Louis, every single day in one way or another. Usually when I'm in my room and looking around at his favorite places to sleep, like the end of the bed. Sebastian has adopted that now and it's sweet. I am grateful that the Fabulous has her "kids" that have become dear to me and fill some of the space that was left in my heart after saying good-bye to Louis.
Sebastian, with his fur several shades of ginger is actually about the same size and sheds just about as much! ...but that is the only thing they have in common. Louis was a cranky old man w/everyone else especially in the last year or so of his life and Sebastian is more of a lover not a fighter and sweet as can be.
But will I ever want another pet of my own again? No. Nope. No. I am content with loving the pets in the house and will miss them when it comes time to move out but I am still done with taking on the responsibilities of my own. The ability to not only feed and clean up after them combined with loving care and attention is just a bit much for me now. (I'm not exactly succeeding 100% in taking proper care of myself let alone another)...it feels a bit selfish when I know there are lots of animals that need loving homes out there but I am just going to draw that line in the sand.
So a year ago it felt like the end of the world and I never thought I would be done with the crying but life just goes on doesn't it? You keep just getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other.
I hope that wherever Louis and/or his spirit is, he knows I miss him, will always miss him.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Are YOU bored?
Happy 2011. And life is the same. I don't know why I thought that life would somehow be different in a new year.
(Duh, if you want to change you have to be the change right?)
I had a brief one-on-one with my manager tonight. And she tries so hard with me to keep me positive. I don't make it easy for her sometimes. Tonight I was moaning and groaning about that there is just so much shit happening all at once and I am overwhelmed. Between the stuff with the car/my financial irresponsibility, my boredom and frustrations with work, my physical self issues, my hate of winter and cold weather I'm not exactly the most charming company these days. (Not that I went into all of that with her...)
It's just all too much sometimes.
And it's all I can do sometimes to get out of bed in the morning. I'm toying with the idea of going back into therapy...
Blah.
And on top of all of that, I'm restless with my life. I find myself in a routine and while some routine and structure is good for me, I'm beginning to wonder if this is all there is. Is this is as good as it gets? (LOVE LOVE that movie!)
Again, I know, if I want to change it up, it's up to me but the thing is that I don't know what I want out of life outside of the basic need to work and the occasional get-together with friends and family.
Maybe I just need a life coach? Too bad they cost money. (Not that I don't think they deserve to get paid for what they do...) *sigh*
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Meh. Maybe it's just a case of the winter doldrums. I spent most of the night before last (after a low-key date w/B) and most of yesterday and last night watching "Firefly" and then after done w/all the ep's, watching "Serenity". I've seen them both before but just was in the mood for a little sci-fi w/a hint of western thrown in for good measure. Nothing like drowning yourself in a little TV to take your mind off your troubles.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
OK, that's enough of that tonight. Think I'll just go take a shower and try to crash out at a decent hour tonight.
Onward. One foot in front of the other.
(Duh, if you want to change you have to be the change right?)
I had a brief one-on-one with my manager tonight. And she tries so hard with me to keep me positive. I don't make it easy for her sometimes. Tonight I was moaning and groaning about that there is just so much shit happening all at once and I am overwhelmed. Between the stuff with the car/my financial irresponsibility, my boredom and frustrations with work, my physical self issues, my hate of winter and cold weather I'm not exactly the most charming company these days. (Not that I went into all of that with her...)
It's just all too much sometimes.
And it's all I can do sometimes to get out of bed in the morning. I'm toying with the idea of going back into therapy...
Blah.
And on top of all of that, I'm restless with my life. I find myself in a routine and while some routine and structure is good for me, I'm beginning to wonder if this is all there is. Is this is as good as it gets? (LOVE LOVE that movie!)
Again, I know, if I want to change it up, it's up to me but the thing is that I don't know what I want out of life outside of the basic need to work and the occasional get-together with friends and family.
Maybe I just need a life coach? Too bad they cost money. (Not that I don't think they deserve to get paid for what they do...) *sigh*
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Meh. Maybe it's just a case of the winter doldrums. I spent most of the night before last (after a low-key date w/B) and most of yesterday and last night watching "Firefly" and then after done w/all the ep's, watching "Serenity". I've seen them both before but just was in the mood for a little sci-fi w/a hint of western thrown in for good measure. Nothing like drowning yourself in a little TV to take your mind off your troubles.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
OK, that's enough of that tonight. Think I'll just go take a shower and try to crash out at a decent hour tonight.
Onward. One foot in front of the other.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year
So and here it is again.
Last year on this day I was in Amsterdam having one of the greatest adventures of my life. At the time it was challenging but it sure has given me a great story to tell and it was good to step out of my little world...
On the heels of that trip, I wanted to have lots of adventures in 2010 and I certainly did, both good and not so good.
Do I want to review them and/or the past year or just move on and try to focus on this "fresh start" that we now have??? Nah, I think I'll skip the re-hash of the years events and just keep looking forward...
I think I've decided that every day I'm going to make some kind of resolution, even if it's just something like "stay positive" when feeling overwhelmed and see how that goes. No sense making those "grand gesture" resolutions that eventually you forget all about. I like how Gabbi put it in her blog...
"This year, I will resolve to just do the next right thing.
The next right thing. One at a time, one after another."
It's too much pressure otherwise. What I need to do is to focus on the steps I take, even if they're baby steps, that just keep me moving forward to wherever life will take me next.
It's time I also focus on the fact that I've got some amazing friends who have been showing what true friendship is all about and it's about time I gave them a shout out. I've got many people to thank for being a friend to me and being there for me but for tonight (and in the interest of this not being a post so long you nod off while reading :P) I'll just mention a couple of people...
Frankly, I had a crappy Christmas. Well, crappy in that I was working and there were several hundred canceled flights and therefore hundreds of unhappy callers. Then due to some lack of communication w/B, I didn't get to spend the evening with him after work.
I was at my wits end and hating the holiday(s) when Diane reached out to me and talked me off of what I'm calling "the edge." We actually spent over 2 hours on the phone and it felt like we were back being our boy-crazy, teen-aged selves while yet still being able to piss and moan about some of the downsides to being an adult. It is a really cool thing to have someone in your life that has known you for decades and "gets" you.
(I've said it before but I'm gonna say it again. I'm so happy we're re-establishing our friendship and while being incommunicado for several years wasn't great, it sure is giving us lots of new stories to tell to each other.)
And she is so...wise. I think she's always been wise but I've just never realized or appreciated it until now.
Then there is Ryan. Thanks to him and my new friend Kari (his new g/f) my New Year's Eve DIDN'T suck.
Have I mentioned how much I hate New Year's Eve? Not being able to be w/B and kissing him at midnight is hard. It's the holiday I feel the most alone on (next to Memorial Day, Labor Day and Independence Day) (Oh the choice I make. *Sigh*) (my wild idea of going to Amsterdam again wasn't a possibility due to the current financial state of affairs) I was starting to panic a bit about what I would be doing to get through the night. I was lucky that I had several options too! Diane, Michelle and even my parent's extended an invite to me, but I opted for going up to Duluth w/him and Kari to hang out with them and her friends that she's known forever. And Kari is awesome. She's what I'd call a straight-shooter. She doesn't seem to take any bullshit or seem afraid to speak her mind. And you can tell she really is listening to you. Awesome.
Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yeah...I'm quite proud of the fact that I chose to do something instead of sitting around home feeling sorry for myself again. (As you well know, I've excelled at that.)
We got there in time to relax and swim in the hotel pool before heading out for the evening. I love swimming. Wait, let me say that again...I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE swimming. When I'm in a pool, I'm weightless and free and get to be the ballerina I always wanted to be when I was a little girl.
We got dolled up and I even wore make-up (!!!) and we braved the crappy weather to have a good time out. It was a good evening and I'm also proud of the fact that I didn't get so inebriated as to be really sick today (just tired.)
Ryan is such a good friend at making me feel included and not expecting anything from me other than my company and friendship. I can totally be myself around him...every facet of me that I don't necessarily show off to others. (Granted, in general, I think I could rein some of my personality in ...I tend to be a bit outrageous and probably over-share more than I need to. While maybe it's cool to be such an open and honest person, I probably don't need to put it all out there do I? (But is that just me and something I shouldn't change??) We'll maybe talk about that at another time???)
I thought about having Jenn create another New Year's card for me to send out this year but never got around to with all the stuff going on the past couple of months. I will send some personalized emails instead.
Going forward now will be about meeting my financial obligations, figuring out where I'm moving to next and continuing to take the best care of myself that I can.
And I think I'll start with putting myself to bed at a decent hour tonight.
G'night.
Last year on this day I was in Amsterdam having one of the greatest adventures of my life. At the time it was challenging but it sure has given me a great story to tell and it was good to step out of my little world...
On the heels of that trip, I wanted to have lots of adventures in 2010 and I certainly did, both good and not so good.
Do I want to review them and/or the past year or just move on and try to focus on this "fresh start" that we now have??? Nah, I think I'll skip the re-hash of the years events and just keep looking forward...
I think I've decided that every day I'm going to make some kind of resolution, even if it's just something like "stay positive" when feeling overwhelmed and see how that goes. No sense making those "grand gesture" resolutions that eventually you forget all about. I like how Gabbi put it in her blog...
"This year, I will resolve to just do the next right thing.
The next right thing. One at a time, one after another."
It's too much pressure otherwise. What I need to do is to focus on the steps I take, even if they're baby steps, that just keep me moving forward to wherever life will take me next.
It's time I also focus on the fact that I've got some amazing friends who have been showing what true friendship is all about and it's about time I gave them a shout out. I've got many people to thank for being a friend to me and being there for me but for tonight (and in the interest of this not being a post so long you nod off while reading :P) I'll just mention a couple of people...
Frankly, I had a crappy Christmas. Well, crappy in that I was working and there were several hundred canceled flights and therefore hundreds of unhappy callers. Then due to some lack of communication w/B, I didn't get to spend the evening with him after work.
I was at my wits end and hating the holiday(s) when Diane reached out to me and talked me off of what I'm calling "the edge." We actually spent over 2 hours on the phone and it felt like we were back being our boy-crazy, teen-aged selves while yet still being able to piss and moan about some of the downsides to being an adult. It is a really cool thing to have someone in your life that has known you for decades and "gets" you.
(I've said it before but I'm gonna say it again. I'm so happy we're re-establishing our friendship and while being incommunicado for several years wasn't great, it sure is giving us lots of new stories to tell to each other.)
And she is so...wise. I think she's always been wise but I've just never realized or appreciated it until now.
Then there is Ryan. Thanks to him and my new friend Kari (his new g/f) my New Year's Eve DIDN'T suck.
Have I mentioned how much I hate New Year's Eve? Not being able to be w/B and kissing him at midnight is hard. It's the holiday I feel the most alone on (next to Memorial Day, Labor Day and Independence Day) (Oh the choice I make. *Sigh*) (my wild idea of going to Amsterdam again wasn't a possibility due to the current financial state of affairs) I was starting to panic a bit about what I would be doing to get through the night. I was lucky that I had several options too! Diane, Michelle and even my parent's extended an invite to me, but I opted for going up to Duluth w/him and Kari to hang out with them and her friends that she's known forever. And Kari is awesome. She's what I'd call a straight-shooter. She doesn't seem to take any bullshit or seem afraid to speak her mind. And you can tell she really is listening to you. Awesome.
Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yeah...I'm quite proud of the fact that I chose to do something instead of sitting around home feeling sorry for myself again. (As you well know, I've excelled at that.)
We got there in time to relax and swim in the hotel pool before heading out for the evening. I love swimming. Wait, let me say that again...I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE swimming. When I'm in a pool, I'm weightless and free and get to be the ballerina I always wanted to be when I was a little girl.
We got dolled up and I even wore make-up (!!!) and we braved the crappy weather to have a good time out. It was a good evening and I'm also proud of the fact that I didn't get so inebriated as to be really sick today (just tired.)
Ryan is such a good friend at making me feel included and not expecting anything from me other than my company and friendship. I can totally be myself around him...every facet of me that I don't necessarily show off to others. (Granted, in general, I think I could rein some of my personality in ...I tend to be a bit outrageous and probably over-share more than I need to. While maybe it's cool to be such an open and honest person, I probably don't need to put it all out there do I? (But is that just me and something I shouldn't change??) We'll maybe talk about that at another time???)
I thought about having Jenn create another New Year's card for me to send out this year but never got around to with all the stuff going on the past couple of months. I will send some personalized emails instead.
Going forward now will be about meeting my financial obligations, figuring out where I'm moving to next and continuing to take the best care of myself that I can.
And I think I'll start with putting myself to bed at a decent hour tonight.
G'night.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Hmmm.
I've been putting off watching this movie "Disfigured" that I read about some time ago and remember wanting to see. It's now available to watch instantly at Netflix.
Here's the "details" (courtesy of Netflix):
Disfigured
2007NR 95 minutes
Struggling anorexic Darcy (Staci Lawrence) sees herself as hugely overweight, so she's shocked when she's rejected by the members of the Fat Awareness Group, who refuse to believe they can have anything in common with the scrawny girl. But Lydia (Deidra Edwards), the self-help group's founder, realizes they're both wrestling the same demon -- weight -- in this thought-provoking look at America's body image issues.
Cast: Deidra Edwards, Staci Lawrence, Ryan C. Benson, Elizabeth Sampson, Sonya Eddy, Lindsay Hollister, Heather Brooker, April M. Walsh, Juanita Guzman, Patrick Gorman
Director: Glenn Gers
I've been putting it off because I while I have come miles in the "accept my body as it is" mindset, I've got to face some things I feel about it head on ...and all of this is courtesy of the challenges to my physical self these past few months. Especially my knees.
I was telling someone recently about the fact that I blog and what I heard myself saying is that because I've kept journals and diaries most of my life that this was a perfect format for me...a chance to create a documentation of my life in a permanent manner. (Wow, just typing that I'm thinking how enormously self-centered that sounds!) And I've never shied away from being honest in them so I certainly shouldn't be here.
And lately I've been obsessed with thinking about my weight again. It was really sparked by reading an article from a recent issue (?) of "O" magazine. One day last week Michelle and I were talking about weight issues and a co-worker overheard us and mentioned she had read this article...and she happens to have it there with her...So I read it and it was very thought-provoking. (I'd share a link but can't find one)
It was an article that contained an excerpt from a book by Marianne Williamson
"A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever"
The Publisher notes: For so many people, whether your addiction is to a substance or merely to a certain way of thinking or acting, a profound humbling occurs when you realize that your problem is bigger than you are. The terror of realizing, even dimly, that you have no control over a self-destructive pattern of behavior—that as much as you would want to, you simply cannot stop—can mark a crucial turning point in your life. At that point, you go in one of two directions: either way, way down, or way, way up. . . .
This book is for you if you know in your heart that you are an addict, and that you are powerless before your addictive behavior. As the title promises, Marianne Williamson looks at weight loss from a spiritual perspective, bringing you 21 lessons that can be done separately or in conjunction with any other serious spiritual path. These 21 lessons are completely separate from anything related to diet or exercise—they will retrain your consciousness in the area of weight in order to break the cycle of overeating, dieting, and shame that rules so many lives.
The part that really got to me about this stuff is what was written in the article that preceded the excerpt [and of course this part has crossed my mind previously] about weight being this wall we've built around ourselves. And we've got all sorts of inner/psychological reasons for keeping it. That the wall is composed of bricks, different types of bricks. Some made with sadness, some with loneliness, etc.
Years ago I acknowledged that I might be keeping on the weight to keep men away (ha! that doesn't work does it?) and this brought all of that up. I have to believe that there has been a reason for it. There has got to be a reason I put up with physical limitations and pain and if I examine the reason maybe, just maybe, it'll shift my thinking into action. Just do it will become my new ...motto in life, for life.
Anyhoo, when I got home that night I found myself going in search of not this book, but the book "It's Not What You're Eating, It's What Eating You" because that article and it's comment on the emotional part of being overweight.
I found an audio version and since super cheap, bought the audio version and listened to it.
I was kinda surprised by a couple of points I got from it. 1. That this is a book that encourages you to own up to and admit that you are a food addict (there is that food addiction thing again!!!) and 2. That there is a high correlation between the overweight and sexual abuse survivors.
The 2nd point was actually shocking to me. I had no idea that there could be a link between childhood sexual abuse and being overweight. What was kinda scary was AND how many of the sexual abuse survivor profiles items that applied to me. I took some notes while listening and here are the ones about that profile...
"in a triangular love affair with a married person (more exciting than a relationship with an available person); trouble establishing boundaries (let everyone in); obsessed with love relationships (only feel alive when seeking or receiving affection); disconnected from your body; in dealings with others manipulative rather than assertive; felt older than peers when young; abnormally high expectations of yourself; in general feel inauthentic (wear a mask).
Now, luckily for me, there wasn't sexual abuse but there were attempts. When I was around 4 or 5 my great-grandfather wanting me to touch his penis; then when around 11 being pushed down in the sand in elementary school and having a boy on top of me simulating sex; around 12 or 13 starting to dislike getting hugs from my uncle at family functions because I could swear he was feeling my bra straps when hugging me...(The authors viewpoint on that says that eating is definitely one of the only ways children can cope and/or express their feelings when they've been traumatized)
In writing about this I also realize it wasn't only that stuff. My most significant weight gain happened in my early 20's when I went from retail jobs where I was up and running around all the time to my "sit down" jobs ...I'll have that too because it was also during that time that I finally had my first significant love (well to me it was love) and was embarking on my sexual (yes, I said it) journey. All of these things coming together with an early curiosity about sex and subsequent love of romance novels all colliding to turn me into the person I am today.
Throughout my life, in one way or another, I've been hurt by men. By my biological father and his absence (not that we're talking about that right now) these relatives and classmate that tried to take advantage of me and the men I was involved with in my 20's/30's (of which B is a part of some of those years isn't he? (we're going to skip this as well for now))...my greatest want of wanting to be loved by a [boy] being blocked by the weight that put so many off.
And so here I am.
And I am obsessed with food. It definitely is the one thing that can't hurt me (!!!!) and is always there for me.
I just want to have a normal relationship with it. I need to learn how to see it for what it is, nourishment (but that has to taste good!) for my body. Really, actually make the better choices and not just talk about them. Currently all I do is think about what I'm going to be eating next and when. I probably spend more money on groceries and eating out (fast food) than I do on anything else. I'm always worried about where my next meal (and the money for it!) is going to come from. Food. Food. Food. Food.
And I don't think that is how it's supposed to be ..is it?
Am I saying that I am a food addict? *Sigh* Probably. And maybe I'll check out an OA meeting. Maybe.
(Side note: I've got thank Gabbi a bit for being willing to share her thoughts and experiences on this subject too. Reading her blog I think planted some little tiny seeds.)
I don't want to go on a diet. I don't want to be ON a diet. I don't want to go back to those years of hating my body (self). I want to learn a new way to relate to food. I want to still be a voluptuous, curvy woman but maybe be a bit less voluptuous. More plus-sized instead of super-sized?
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
So shall I just watch the movie already? Stimulate more dialog in my head? Because I'm sure it's going to lead to other questions and revelations, even if they're not quite as major.
Maybe.
Here's the "details" (courtesy of Netflix):
Disfigured
2007NR 95 minutes
Struggling anorexic Darcy (Staci Lawrence) sees herself as hugely overweight, so she's shocked when she's rejected by the members of the Fat Awareness Group, who refuse to believe they can have anything in common with the scrawny girl. But Lydia (Deidra Edwards), the self-help group's founder, realizes they're both wrestling the same demon -- weight -- in this thought-provoking look at America's body image issues.
Cast: Deidra Edwards, Staci Lawrence, Ryan C. Benson, Elizabeth Sampson, Sonya Eddy, Lindsay Hollister, Heather Brooker, April M. Walsh, Juanita Guzman, Patrick Gorman
Director: Glenn Gers
I've been putting it off because I while I have come miles in the "accept my body as it is" mindset, I've got to face some things I feel about it head on ...and all of this is courtesy of the challenges to my physical self these past few months. Especially my knees.
I was telling someone recently about the fact that I blog and what I heard myself saying is that because I've kept journals and diaries most of my life that this was a perfect format for me...a chance to create a documentation of my life in a permanent manner. (Wow, just typing that I'm thinking how enormously self-centered that sounds!) And I've never shied away from being honest in them so I certainly shouldn't be here.
And lately I've been obsessed with thinking about my weight again. It was really sparked by reading an article from a recent issue (?) of "O" magazine. One day last week Michelle and I were talking about weight issues and a co-worker overheard us and mentioned she had read this article...and she happens to have it there with her...So I read it and it was very thought-provoking. (I'd share a link but can't find one)
It was an article that contained an excerpt from a book by Marianne Williamson
"A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever"
The Publisher notes: For so many people, whether your addiction is to a substance or merely to a certain way of thinking or acting, a profound humbling occurs when you realize that your problem is bigger than you are. The terror of realizing, even dimly, that you have no control over a self-destructive pattern of behavior—that as much as you would want to, you simply cannot stop—can mark a crucial turning point in your life. At that point, you go in one of two directions: either way, way down, or way, way up. . . .
This book is for you if you know in your heart that you are an addict, and that you are powerless before your addictive behavior. As the title promises, Marianne Williamson looks at weight loss from a spiritual perspective, bringing you 21 lessons that can be done separately or in conjunction with any other serious spiritual path. These 21 lessons are completely separate from anything related to diet or exercise—they will retrain your consciousness in the area of weight in order to break the cycle of overeating, dieting, and shame that rules so many lives.
The part that really got to me about this stuff is what was written in the article that preceded the excerpt [and of course this part has crossed my mind previously] about weight being this wall we've built around ourselves. And we've got all sorts of inner/psychological reasons for keeping it. That the wall is composed of bricks, different types of bricks. Some made with sadness, some with loneliness, etc.
Years ago I acknowledged that I might be keeping on the weight to keep men away (ha! that doesn't work does it?) and this brought all of that up. I have to believe that there has been a reason for it. There has got to be a reason I put up with physical limitations and pain and if I examine the reason maybe, just maybe, it'll shift my thinking into action. Just do it will become my new ...motto in life, for life.
Anyhoo, when I got home that night I found myself going in search of not this book, but the book "It's Not What You're Eating, It's What Eating You" because that article and it's comment on the emotional part of being overweight.
I found an audio version and since super cheap, bought the audio version and listened to it.
I was kinda surprised by a couple of points I got from it. 1. That this is a book that encourages you to own up to and admit that you are a food addict (there is that food addiction thing again!!!) and 2. That there is a high correlation between the overweight and sexual abuse survivors.
The 2nd point was actually shocking to me. I had no idea that there could be a link between childhood sexual abuse and being overweight. What was kinda scary was AND how many of the sexual abuse survivor profiles items that applied to me. I took some notes while listening and here are the ones about that profile...
"in a triangular love affair with a married person (more exciting than a relationship with an available person); trouble establishing boundaries (let everyone in); obsessed with love relationships (only feel alive when seeking or receiving affection); disconnected from your body; in dealings with others manipulative rather than assertive; felt older than peers when young; abnormally high expectations of yourself; in general feel inauthentic (wear a mask).
Now, luckily for me, there wasn't sexual abuse but there were attempts. When I was around 4 or 5 my great-grandfather wanting me to touch his penis; then when around 11 being pushed down in the sand in elementary school and having a boy on top of me simulating sex; around 12 or 13 starting to dislike getting hugs from my uncle at family functions because I could swear he was feeling my bra straps when hugging me...(The authors viewpoint on that says that eating is definitely one of the only ways children can cope and/or express their feelings when they've been traumatized)
In writing about this I also realize it wasn't only that stuff. My most significant weight gain happened in my early 20's when I went from retail jobs where I was up and running around all the time to my "sit down" jobs ...I'll have that too because it was also during that time that I finally had my first significant love (well to me it was love) and was embarking on my sexual (yes, I said it) journey. All of these things coming together with an early curiosity about sex and subsequent love of romance novels all colliding to turn me into the person I am today.
Throughout my life, in one way or another, I've been hurt by men. By my biological father and his absence (not that we're talking about that right now) these relatives and classmate that tried to take advantage of me and the men I was involved with in my 20's/30's (of which B is a part of some of those years isn't he? (we're going to skip this as well for now))...my greatest want of wanting to be loved by a [boy] being blocked by the weight that put so many off.
And so here I am.
And I am obsessed with food. It definitely is the one thing that can't hurt me (!!!!) and is always there for me.
I just want to have a normal relationship with it. I need to learn how to see it for what it is, nourishment (but that has to taste good!) for my body. Really, actually make the better choices and not just talk about them. Currently all I do is think about what I'm going to be eating next and when. I probably spend more money on groceries and eating out (fast food) than I do on anything else. I'm always worried about where my next meal (and the money for it!) is going to come from. Food. Food. Food. Food.
And I don't think that is how it's supposed to be ..is it?
Am I saying that I am a food addict? *Sigh* Probably. And maybe I'll check out an OA meeting. Maybe.
(Side note: I've got thank Gabbi a bit for being willing to share her thoughts and experiences on this subject too. Reading her blog I think planted some little tiny seeds.)
I don't want to go on a diet. I don't want to be ON a diet. I don't want to go back to those years of hating my body (self). I want to learn a new way to relate to food. I want to still be a voluptuous, curvy woman but maybe be a bit less voluptuous. More plus-sized instead of super-sized?
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
So shall I just watch the movie already? Stimulate more dialog in my head? Because I'm sure it's going to lead to other questions and revelations, even if they're not quite as major.
Maybe.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Enough Debbie Downer
Some reactions to observations made while at work today...
1. It's about time I stopped being "Debbie Downer" and remind myself of the many many things I've got going for me, the things that are GOOD in my life
2. I adore my co-worker Michelle. I believe I've mentioned her before. She's the woman who (whom?) I've befriended who is both a wife and a mother and I never thought I'd be good friends with one of those :P ...I really honestly thought we wouldn't be able to relate to each other. But tonight on our dinner break I said that we were opposite sides of the coin but it works.
She and I of course have work (or rather our lack of loving it) to bond us but it's gone deeper than that. We talk about food, weight, men/relationships/sex, our families... I'm hopeful it will continue to continue when we're not at work.
And now for the list (in no certain order) beginning with something that combines both 1 and 2 ...
☯She and one of her kids (she has 3 kids and both her and her husband do their best to take turns spending time with each kid individually how freakin' AWESOME is that?) made me cookies and because they know I'm not a frosting fan, skipped the frosting. And then she also brought me a package of the limited edition gingerbread pop-tarts. Yummy!!!!
I've recently had a thing for the limited edition pop-tarts. She's giving me a box of the pumpkin ones for Xmas. Yummy!!!! (And I have no idea whatsoever to give her! But I'll come up with something...)
☯I have the most awesome roommate/landlord EVER. (So R, my expectations are quite high should I ever rent from you... :P) She keeps us in cat food, shoveled sidewalks and driveways and gets the recycling sorted and bagged up before recycling day. And all of that with a full work-load and a full-time relationship! I believe there is some truth to the saying about if you want something done, give it to a busy person...
I realize as I write that last paragraph that you might be getting the impression that I'm a slothful roommate. Well, I'm not slothful ...I'll load up the dishwasher, empty it/put dishes away, take garbage out and sometimes be the one to do the sorting of the recycling but she does just that little bit more. It makes me want to do more and ease her household duties a bit. Now if only I would put that into action instead of just yammering on about it.
☯I'm so thankful that the car accident wasn't worse. Worse in the damages done to his car and Suzette. I can still drive her and while she's a bit banged up, she still is a good girl and running for me.
☯I've got family members who are helpful and supportive. We've come a long way from the days of conflict over the religion. Oh sure, they'll always want me to come back but they've mellowed over the years ...their individuality and independence is still alive and kicking (or is back) and they know it's better to dial the religion stuff way back when they see me so we can enjoy our time together.
☯For a having a job. Especially in light of my current financial woes.
☯For flannel pajamas; internet access and this computer (even if some of the keys have started sticking lately which is driving me nuts.)
☯For my credit union taking pity on me and giving me back 1 the one and only NSF I've gotten since I opened my account in July and for giving me back the fee for the bill pay service I decided not to use.
☯For Facebook because it keeps me in touch with the various people in my life
and so many more things...
and now I think I will just stop here for tonight.
*Sigh*
1. It's about time I stopped being "Debbie Downer" and remind myself of the many many things I've got going for me, the things that are GOOD in my life
2. I adore my co-worker Michelle. I believe I've mentioned her before. She's the woman who (whom?) I've befriended who is both a wife and a mother and I never thought I'd be good friends with one of those :P ...I really honestly thought we wouldn't be able to relate to each other. But tonight on our dinner break I said that we were opposite sides of the coin but it works.
She and I of course have work (or rather our lack of loving it) to bond us but it's gone deeper than that. We talk about food, weight, men/relationships/sex, our families... I'm hopeful it will continue to continue when we're not at work.
And now for the list (in no certain order) beginning with something that combines both 1 and 2 ...
☯She and one of her kids (she has 3 kids and both her and her husband do their best to take turns spending time with each kid individually how freakin' AWESOME is that?) made me cookies and because they know I'm not a frosting fan, skipped the frosting. And then she also brought me a package of the limited edition gingerbread pop-tarts. Yummy!!!!
I've recently had a thing for the limited edition pop-tarts. She's giving me a box of the pumpkin ones for Xmas. Yummy!!!! (And I have no idea whatsoever to give her! But I'll come up with something...)
☯I have the most awesome roommate/landlord EVER. (So R, my expectations are quite high should I ever rent from you... :P) She keeps us in cat food, shoveled sidewalks and driveways and gets the recycling sorted and bagged up before recycling day. And all of that with a full work-load and a full-time relationship! I believe there is some truth to the saying about if you want something done, give it to a busy person...
I realize as I write that last paragraph that you might be getting the impression that I'm a slothful roommate. Well, I'm not slothful ...I'll load up the dishwasher, empty it/put dishes away, take garbage out and sometimes be the one to do the sorting of the recycling but she does just that little bit more. It makes me want to do more and ease her household duties a bit. Now if only I would put that into action instead of just yammering on about it.
☯I'm so thankful that the car accident wasn't worse. Worse in the damages done to his car and Suzette. I can still drive her and while she's a bit banged up, she still is a good girl and running for me.
☯I've got family members who are helpful and supportive. We've come a long way from the days of conflict over the religion. Oh sure, they'll always want me to come back but they've mellowed over the years ...their individuality and independence is still alive and kicking (or is back) and they know it's better to dial the religion stuff way back when they see me so we can enjoy our time together.
☯For a having a job. Especially in light of my current financial woes.
☯For flannel pajamas; internet access and this computer (even if some of the keys have started sticking lately which is driving me nuts.)
☯For my credit union taking pity on me and giving me back 1 the one and only NSF I've gotten since I opened my account in July and for giving me back the fee for the bill pay service I decided not to use.
☯For Facebook because it keeps me in touch with the various people in my life
and so many more things...
and now I think I will just stop here for tonight.
*Sigh*
Monday, December 6, 2010
1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back
Twisted my knee twice in the last week and it hurts like a mother. So no work for me the last of days. Hobbled in to Dr. and was swollen and tender but from what he could feel, he thinks it's just a sprain. (Let's hope!) I've been ordered to stay off of it as much as I can and he gave me a few days worth of the good stuff (painkillers). He's not being pushy about the fact that my weight isn't helping my case any but I know he's concerned. He's been my favorite Dr. so far and while maybe it's his job to push me to take better care of myself, I think he knows how stubborn I am and that if he pushes I will just dig in my heels and refuse to take his advice out of pure rebellion (I get like that) ...but if this is the price I pay for being stubborn maybe it's time to grow up and start taking better care of myself.
*Sigh*
I know I need to get my physical self in order. Between my knees and my back, I'm kind of a mess.
I HATE HATE HATE that it's fucking winter. I have a hard enough time being motivated to do physical things when it's not winter. But if I have to drag my ass out and about to get some physical activity, I'd like to maybe do some aqua aerobics ...could do that and it would be easier on my knees ...
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
I guess it was too good to be true that the consequences of being in a car accident with no insurance was only going to be a hefty fine. Apparently I'm just waiting to get the notice in the mail telling me what day to appear in court. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I am just going to pray that all I get is a stern lecture and have to pay the fines. While what I did was wrong, I don't know if I could handle going to jail or losing my license. I mean, I'd deal with it but I sure I hope I don't have to!
OK, have I bummed you out now? Sorry about that.
I'm survivor. I will survive this too. (I'm survivor. I will survive this too. I'm survivor. I will survive this too. I'm survivor. I will survive this too.)
*Sigh*
I know I need to get my physical self in order. Between my knees and my back, I'm kind of a mess.
I HATE HATE HATE that it's fucking winter. I have a hard enough time being motivated to do physical things when it's not winter. But if I have to drag my ass out and about to get some physical activity, I'd like to maybe do some aqua aerobics ...could do that and it would be easier on my knees ...
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
I guess it was too good to be true that the consequences of being in a car accident with no insurance was only going to be a hefty fine. Apparently I'm just waiting to get the notice in the mail telling me what day to appear in court. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I am just going to pray that all I get is a stern lecture and have to pay the fines. While what I did was wrong, I don't know if I could handle going to jail or losing my license. I mean, I'd deal with it but I sure I hope I don't have to!
OK, have I bummed you out now? Sorry about that.
I'm survivor. I will survive this too. (I'm survivor. I will survive this too. I'm survivor. I will survive this too. I'm survivor. I will survive this too.)
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Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!