Ode to Jason

My self-absorption does not only include me. :P Whenever I have somebody on the phone at work named "Jason" I always have the little thought of "that can't be his name, that belongs to my brother". Weird huh? It's just that of course, growing up, it was hearing the names of "Jason and "..Sam..." so many times together in sentences and conversations ...they can't be without the other...

Thinking about him tonight because today it was my turn to help him out. And I did it w/out question. (Giving up a day at home, in my jammies is tough for me...I freely admit that) It was his turn to need some new tires. I couldn't pay for them but I could go to the place and pick them up and deliver them to him. Frickin' least I could do for the guy.

He's got a good heart buried underneath his pessimistic shell. And oh what a pessimistic shell he has. But do I really blame him? He's had the some of the worst luck of everyone I know...had more shit dumped on him than should be.

Some of the highlights include: Having a little sister breaking his favorite "Kiss" albums in half and steal his dirty magazines; Having that same little sister who could always get him blamed and punished for something she did because when the misdeed was discovered (my new favorite word) the poor boy couldn't help but smirk and she could keep a straight (innocent!) face and then there was the time when he cashed a $500 paycheck (now we can say thank god for direct deposit right?) and then LOSING that cash...and stuff like that. When taken separately, not so terrible. Shit happens right? But this guy...it comes in bunches and waves.

But he, like me, is a survivor and he keeps on keepin' on.

After we were done dealing with the tire stuff we hung out and I got to see his apartment. Ate some dinner and talked about the mess I'm in. He's afraid for me. That I'll have to go to jail. (I definitely need to call the Violations Bureau and get the details...I've been putting it off because I'm scared of what they'll say..what if it isn't just fines???) but I need to know and stop living in fear. Face up to my misdeed. *technically it's a misdemeanor but you get what I'm sayin'

We're both just doing our best to get by.

It's funny because in so many other ways we're different. Our politics and our philosophies in life. Our beliefs and our opinions. Different as night and day. But we can agree on music and movies and TV shows (and so all is not lost when we get together)


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Can you believe it's taken me until now, tonight, to really think that in the end, with a sibling, if you're lucky, you are forever linked and that there is nobody on the earth that knows you better from your beginning than that sibling. You can tell your friends and lovers about your childhood but they're not really gonna understand it.


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It felt good to be needed by him. And you know what I want for him the most? Love. The love of a good woman (or man if that is his secret desire! :P But I highly doubt it) who will appreciate him, take good care of him, treat him well and not take advantage of his generous spirit. (Hmmm, should I go looking for him? Hmmmm. Hm...) (um, the opposite of me and our mother...kidding!)

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When he offered to let me pay him 1/2 of what I owed him, I told him no. It's about time I became financially disciplined. I've got to stop relying on people to "rescue" me (...or is it just lending a helping hand?) and that I would find a way to make this work. But I did let him send me home with food. He's like our parental units and always likes to have things on hand in the cupboard even if he never gets around to eating them. So now my cupboard has soups, chili and mac and cheese.

And he freely gives me this stuff and all this help with no grumbling. I told him I appreciated that and he just shrugged it off. He may get mad at the universe but not at his little sister.

*Sigh

I am lucky. (Ruh-roh, did I get it all? Like in a fairytale? The fairy godmothers weren't invited to his birth but then invited to mine? Hmmm, idea for a story? Do I dare write anything other than posts for this blog?) Ha!


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Well now that I'm veering off into nonsensical territory I guess I'll stop here.

How on earth could I forget to be thankful for...

My brother.

I didn't mention how he came to the rescue last weekend with the extra funds necessary to get that car insurance.

He really is the best big brother EVER.

I'm truly thankful for so many people and their love and support of me.

Yes I Will

Pay $300.00 a month to never again have the thoughts of "Oh my god, I've just been in a car accident and currently have no car insurance..." and then "...my god what if they throw me in jail or what if something had happened worse than this fender bender with no apparent injuries to all parties involved?".

Car Insurance people.

Fucking car insurance. I hated that the last time I had to renew, they wanted $200 a month. So for about a year now (yes, a year) I've been gambling BIG TIME. (I've um, had a couple of other accidents in the 11 years I've been driving...but let's not talk about that (last one June '09)) "They're called accidents for a reason" "There called accidents for a reason" "There called accidents for a reason"...

It finally caught up with me. Yes, one truly does live with the consequences of their choices.

I am lying in the bed I made (as my mother would say...) (side note: you know what? I find myself saying A LOT of things MY mother said, has said to me, over the years. I never thought I'd be one of THOSE people. Hmm.)

Anyhoo...so now do I share or spare you the details? No? You're dying of curiosity? (poor choice of phrase?) Well...took PTO and left early on Saturday. (I'm being punished for all the PTO I've been taking the past couple (few?) months)

I was just trying to merge onto Hwy 62W from Hwy 77N.

Everybody. Just. Stopped.

My new 2 front tires went into action and while doing a swell job, didn't keep me from rear ending the car in front of me.

Then...see thoughts above.

Now I'll just give you some bits and bobs ...

1. They have insurance but only liability. I will be paying for the clean up of their rear bumper. Guesses on how much it'll end up being? I'm gonna throw the number of about $800 out there.

2. I will gladly pay the fines of $345 for the 2 things on the citation I received ...a. something about not driving well (but NOT the careless driving thing) -a petty misdemeanor and b. the biggie -no car insurance -which is a misdemeanor. But from what I understand from the website that represents the State of MN stuff like this, I only have to pay the fines and NOT go to court which in my mind is what my mind associates with jail (first (AND FUCKING LAST) offense helps) but I will call them to confirm. And I feel like in a way I'm getting off easy.

What if I had really injured or god forbid killed someone?

3. But fucking A. The money. I get by OK on what I make but have been so tired of feeling fucking deprived. So when that renewal came up, I thought I'd just do it for a little while, a month, a couple of months but then that turned into a year.

4. No more PTO and I'm picking up extra shifts. Fuck. Fuck. But strangely enough, tonight especially I just was really nice to everyone. Now I'm normally nice but tonight I just wasn't gonna NOT be nice. I really do truly care about our callers. And I had to say "No" and "I'm sorry that's not possible, etc." so many fucking times. I hate that. (Am I just trying to convince myself that I WANT to do this, answer these calls because I'm now gonna have to be doing it 40+ hours a week...but you know what? Forget I said that. I could have killed someone and be going to jail (?). I'm telling everyone that I'm not allowed PTO (and of course telling them all about this....the Leo in me is roaring for attention and sympathy)

5. I guess I've figured out what I think is the worst possible thing you can do in this world. Kill someone. (And it took me until NOW to figure that out? Sad or WTF?)

6. And another reason to do my job and be a responsible grown-up and stop fucking around? Really getting my financial shit together. I'm gonna owe the Saint (the fabulous has been upgraded) so much more for the rest of my life in gratitude. Having some breathing room and a continued roof over my head means the fucking world to me.

Fucking A. I really fucked up.

And I've got to get caught up on the cell and credit card bills. I HATE HATE being a month (a lousy month) behind on them. I got used to the good feeling when I paid a bill in full and on time. Addictive and oh so satisfying. I want that feeling back. (OK, OK, so it was only my cell phone bill but damn, you gotta start somewhere right? And the other ones I was keeping up with just fine)

Thank god it's now my weekend (I'm allowing myself 1 last 2 day one for at least the next 2 months if not longer)...I'm going to make sure I enjoy it.

7. And I really truly have a lot to be thankful this year and when I'm at my parent's tomorrow I'm gonna say as much -even if we aren't "celebrating" Thanksgiving. I haven't told them about this. Thought I'd get a kick of being the drama queen I've been known to be and tell them about in person.

(Oh that reminds me (and this makes me feel terribly terrible for even daring to think about something other than all of this) but I'm gonna go looking around online and see if I can find "Home for the Holidays" (Holly Hunter) and make that my new T-day movie tradition. Love that movie.)

8. I've got the greatest boyfriend in the world. While I'm sure he's disappointed in me, like everyone else so far is sympathetic, he's also so worried about me he slipped me a $50 the other morning and just held me while I fell apart a little bit. He'll make sure I still have some gas in the tank and food in the cupboard as best he can. Though I'm going to do my darndest to not need his help that often.

9. I will call the Employee Assistance Program (a courtesy of my employer and supposedly confidential) and take advantage of the legal benefit. A free 30 minute face-to-face consultation (let's hope there is someone in Minneapolis). I am scared that they might sue me or this will go beyond compensating them for the damage to their car...the traffic accident report said "1" in the "Injured" box. Fuck.

10. OK, maybe time to just NOT think about all of this for a while and just continue to be thankful that this is not worse than it is. And I will survive. And I really, again, believe that someone is keeping an eye on me.

Will I Ever Change?

It was quite the adventurous day yesterday.

I am more than ever convinced that the "big guy" is watching out for me or that I do have a guardian angel looking out for me.

Just because I've left "the religion" doesn't mean I don't have a spiritual side. I've maintained all these years since leaving it that I still believe in God and that my relationship with Him is between just the two of us. I don't need to "practice" a particular religion for it to count. And I still firmly believe that today. But I also still respect a person's right to practice, or not practice/believe however is best for them.

Anyhoo...yesterday was quite the adventure as I was saying because something finally caught up with me...

A few months ago, the right front tire on my car was in constant need of air and rather than spend the money to replace it, I just kept putting air in it. Then my brother (my big brother is a freakin' saint! But more on that later) put that stuff in it that is like a sealant but from the inside...anyway, that worked like a charm ..until yesterday. But I managed to get all the way to work AND in a parking spot before it deflated. (I used to wonder how it was people knew when something was wrong with their car just based on sound or feel but I so SO have understood that the past couple years with having the same car) ...So I get out and go look at the right tire and I can just hear it hissing and I'm watching it slowly deflate. And how freakin' thankful am I that I made it all the way to work and into a parking spot? That I didn't have it (or worse) happen while on the freeway or at the side of a road????

So I'm on the phone w/my bro right away -because he IS my go to guy for anything car related and he's totally willing, without question or giving me a hard time to not only come out to my work and "deal" with it all, he's willing to pick up new tires for me (payday is tomorrow)...

As I'm back outside to take pics for him of the flat tire and the spare in the trunk, a man walks by and stops and asks if I need help...I tell him that my brother is going to be coming out to help and he says it'd be no big deal and he could help me. So as this kind stranger, well, actually his name was John, is in the process of changing the tire, another guy comes over and makes sure that I'm OK and getting help and says he noticed stuff going on and was wondering if I needed help...how awesome is all of this?? (Um, let's not really talk about the fact that I'm 40 years old and NOT helpless and really should know how to change a bloody tire!!! :P )

Then, after work, I get the adventure of getting home.

I safely make it to the SA by my work to put some air in the "donut", I safely make it to the city streets I'm gonna take home (I now also totally will forgive slow drivers on the freeway because you know what? They might be driving on their spare "donut" tire, unable to go past 50 mph and know no other way to get home) ...and then more excitement...on my way down Hiawatha/55, I stop at McD's 'cause I'm STARVING (I didn't have any dinner) and spend my last $5 on some food and as I'm sitting in the parking lot eating, Suzette has a temperamental moment and wants to die. So I shut her off for a bit...thankfully she starts up again and back on the road we go. While I was tempted to hop onto 94W for the rest of the journey home, I take Ryan's advice (I called him and we had a chat about the situation) and stick to city streets. Now this is really going to be perilous at this point because guess what? My tank is practically EMPTY. (What the hell what I thinking? I should have spent the $5 on gas, silly woman!) ...

So I take Lake to Lyndale and as I'm driving my stomach starts to feel really really really bad. Like if I don't find a bathroom soon there is going to be a repeat of the "shit my pants" performance I had years ago when I was riding with a co-worker back and forth to a work dinner thing. (I don't know if it was the McD's that didn't sit well or the pumpkin cheesecake I had at work earlier...how long does it take for food to digest and all that..??) (Oh and there, you know now something else REALLY really embarrassing about yours truly) but then hallelujah there is a gas station on Lyndale and around 28th that I pull into that has bathrooms you don't need a goddamn key for! So I make it just in time...Whew. Anyhoo, then down by the Walker Art Center on Lyndale once again, I'm tempted to hop onto 94W but I resist and take Lyndale and get safely all the way home.

You haven't lived until you've had to drive the long long way home, on your spare tire, with a nearly empty tank of gas while having to take a shit so bad you could cry.

*Sigh*

Now I guess all of that could be attributed to luck or my not being an idiot and listening to all sorts of advice but I really think someone was looking out for me.

While my life is far from ...perfect...Somehow, I survive and things work out.

But it really does beg the question...will I ever change? And by that I mean, will I ever be a person who doesn't put things off, like getting tires replaced. Will I ever be a person who chooses to spend the last $5 I have to my name (before payday) on gas instead of food? Will I ever be a person who actually has more than $5 to their name? A person who doesn't always spend every single dime they have before the next payday? I am somehow convinced that no one else is like this. I assume everyone else is super smart and responsible with money and never gets into these kind of positions. I'm sure that's insane but there it is.

How fortunate am I that I've got these incredible people in my life who have never made me feel bad about my less than responsible ways ...that actually makes me want to be better financially because the shame I feel at being less than fiscally responsible is terrible.

I have mentioned I'm in a work in progress right?

*Sigh*

Thankfully I worked most of my hours this pay period and the check I get tomorrow should allow me to not only pay some rent but I should also be able to still get my eyes checked/get new Rx for lenses, pay Ryan back the $20 I owe him AND get some new tires for Suzette. Yahoo!

So once again, there is that feeling of someone looking out for me and it all working out because the timing of the tire stuff is NOW. It didn't happen 2 weeks ago and won't be happening in 2 weeks when both of those paychecks will be lighter than usual...

Life IS good. I just need to keep reminding myself of that when the "dark days" are here. And admittedly there have been some shadowy ones lately. I don't know if it is because of the change of seasons and that winter is officially here (SNOW!), even though it's not quite officially here yet.

You know how sometimes I copy over something that Beth/Sum of Me writes? Well I've been meaning to do that because recently she's written some stuff that really speaks to me AND once again says what I would say if I'd only known I wanted to say it as well as she did...so I'm gonna add these little gems into this post too...

"...the hibernation effect - more hours of dark, colder air, winter coming on. The bod just wants to eat and sleep and crawl into a cave." OMG so so true!!! and...

"...the creeping depression which I push back every day. (Try not to think on it. It'll eat your heart.) It's just a thing, and I suppose I'm lucky to have so much experience of hurt and things going wrong and blows to the gut and whatever else. I can easily identify now how bad it is - and isn't. I know how to keep going, one day at a time. If I've acquired no other talent in this life, i still have that. I know that you just keep slogging forward, good moments and bad, giddy and despairing depending on the minute. And every day it's a little better, so long as you don't look it directly in the face. Occasional quick darting glances in the extreme corner of your eye, that's the only way." Yup. I hear ya.

and...

"...I am embarrassingly rich in friends. To lose any one of them would be like losing a limb - including the potential for fatal hemorrhage. But I haven't forgotten that I have more excellent friends than I have limbs. And what an amazing thing that is.

In the last couple of weeks, every one of them has stepped up. Not a single one failing me when I really need a friend to act like a friend. Remember when we were teenagers, and a great friend was someone who was fun to hang out with at the mall, who made you laugh and liked the same things as you and hated the same things and kept you company in class? And all those things are still important, but wouldn't our teenaged selves be amazed at how much deeper a friendship can go as time goes on? The many ways it's tested, the times we have to give of ourselves when we think we have nothing left to give, the goodness compounded over years and erasing the little annoyances that would've killed the friendship when we were younger. I suppose it's not unlike a good long marriage, where the sheer number of years together matters as much if not more than anything else.

Anyway - I just mean that friendships - good ones that last and have real meaning - cost us something. Time and energy and chunks of our souls, in addition to couch-space when it's needed and a ride to the airport and whatnot. And my friends these last couple of weeks - they've paid the cost without flinching, eagerly. I am indebted to them, in that same currency. I am not always good at letting people be a friend to me. But otherwise, I think I'm pretty good at being a friend, myself. I hope I am, anyway."

...Yeah. What she said. While the quantity of true, close friends I have doesn't quite outnumber of the number of limbs I have, the ones I do have, the people closest to me...are worth more than their weight in gold.

Anyway, I just really wanted to share that last stuff. Wanted it to a part of this permanent record of my life that I'm creating with this blog.

Well. So enough for today. It's my day off and I'm gonna go eat something and putz around ...make some calls about tires...

ttfn.

Now November? Sheesh.

I sometimes get a kick out coming up with witty titles for these posts. And other times, meh.

Yes, meh. I've seen other bloggers/writers use that word and I LIKE it.

OK, now on to the thought that just crossed my mind and that I felt must be put out there...and gives me a reason to write something (what's up w/this only once a month or so posting? Eh...I'll maybe get into that a bit later)

It's wonderful when the love of your life says he still adores you after decades of knowing each other (or did I mean to say of knowing you?) Sigh. Big, deep, happy sigh. Love comes in so many shapes and forms doesn't it? And I'm learning -after all of these years -that love with a significant other can be so different for different people. But it all has one thing (well, one thing I can think of right now) that someone loves you for being YOU. Now of course this should also be something essential in the relationships you have with family or friends but for the sake of this post, I'm just talking about romantic love.)

The first romantic relationship(s) I observed were of course my mother and her husbands. And her family. Wait. Not going to elaborate on that after all. Sorry. But your used to that by now right? :P

And actually you know what? I'm going to stop this post here. I said what I wanted to say. For now. I thought I wanted to write a whole insightful, detailed post about love but ...not. It was a long day at work. So this is all for now.

Ciao.

And now October is almost over

Sign Language for this week. And OMG. Totally true.

Leo(July 23-Aug. 22) Despite your love of luxury, most Leos deal with poverty pretty well. Unlike your sensual Taurean cousins, who get frustrated when things aren’t top-quality, Leos really only need a few special things in their lives; the rest can be rather plain, cheap, or ordinary. This ability to make do with less will serve you well this week and in the coming months, but make sure you don’t deprive yourself completely. Selectively pamper yourself here and there, without breaking the bank. Indulging yourself in one or two vital ways is the key to being happy with everything else.

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Another weekend of the usual. Sleeping in, having breakfast/coffee/a cigarette and then hours spent wasting time playing around with my FB games. Waiting for the phone to ring to see if it might be tonight that I have a date with my sweetie.

Actually I've not been completely useless. Yesterday I was able to figure out what health insurance benefits to have for next year and did my sign up.

Today, laundry. Well, a load was put in the washer anyway. Suppose I ought to go and put it in the dryer now...or at least at some point soon. And I also finally called and made an appointment for the dentist. Actually that feels like BIG accomplishment. Go "Sam"!

It's been a rough month in terms of being motivated get a lot done, let alone get to work. Everyday is a struggle to get up and go out and about. Do I maybe need to increase the dosage of my happy pill? Go back into therapy? I don't know. Maybe it's just the changing of the season. It's getting colder. (Oh wait, another task accomplished this week was getting out the sweaters and warmer clothes for easy access and pulling out some clothes that I would like to donate to a shelter for women.)

Anyhoo...just feeling...blah. Not liking that I've taken so much time off of work as I have but unable to resist the temptation. It was almost better when I could NOT be absent. Financially it's killing me...I'm behind on bills and after having had them under control for the last year or so, I don't like this. I just have to force myself to not take so much time off. I have to think about what I want and if I want to more than just survive...exist, and it's gonna take some self-discipline. When I get to work it's not so bad. It's the getting up and going that is so hard. At least with the 2nd shift I don't have to be getting up when it's still dark out.

Well, speaking of that, actually tomorrow I have to get up pretty early. I've agreed to accompany Ryan as he goes house hunting w/his Realtor. I have to be at his house by 8:15am!!! (Now that's what I call friendship/love!) I think it will actually be a good experience for me as I ponder what to do myself when it comes time to changing my living situation...which will eventually change.

While I love the thought of having my own place, a small place to call my very own, the reality of the responsibility of that scares the bejeezus outta me. But I'm oh so tired of moving. I guess I'll see what I learn tomorrow and maybe that will clarify things for me.

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Regardless of seeing B tonight, I really should go take a shower. I tend to get careless when I don't have to be anywhere. It's like, why bother? But I realize I've got to start caring and taking better care of myself and maybe that will help me emotionally. Maybe not.

So OK, I'll go put the clothes in the dryer and take a shower. Come back to this later...

Or maybe not shower yet. But I did put the stuff in the dryer. Re: a shower...the bathroom is so so cold...

I guess just call me Eeyore right now. It feels so completely self-indulgent right now to be so whiny. I know things could be worse. But sometimes I just wish I was living someone else's life. Be a completely different person. Be anyone other than myself.

I've realized lately why I like the yin and yang symbol so much, because I truly am a creature of light and dark. My light side comes out when I'm with other people, or at work and when I'm at home, it's all dark baby. There is no gray. Just simply the light and the dark. I like the definition that Wikipedia gives..."Yin yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, although yin or yang elements may manifest more strongly in different objects or at different times. Yin yang constantly interacts, never existing in absolute stasis."

If I ever get up the guts to get a tattoo, that would be what I would get. A nice, clean, small one...

Hmm. Well, I suppose this enough for now. (Aren't you glad you took the time to read this? :P)

And Just Like That It's October

(10/2/10 Note: this is a long one. Get comfortable.)

I'm going to do my darnedest to keep this fairly brief (ha!) because it's almost 1am and I've had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many nights up being up until 4am (if not later.) I go through phases where I'll be "good" and then I'll fall off the go-to-bed-at-a-halfway-decent-hour wagon.

Ah well. Story of my life. Walking the straight line (feeling and being in control) with going to bed early, my health/eating better, money, responsibility, etc. and then I go and take a detour. Am I just looking for some excitement? Even if it's not the healthiest of excitement? Maybe a little.

It was a good weekend. Got to just hang with myself on Wednesday (yup, naughty girl took another (pre-arranged in advance) unpaid day off, but more on work later), then Thursday had a date w/B. And we had an excellent time. It's amazing what communication does for a relationship 'eh? I was actually having a moment of "wow, here I have this man who loves me and knows pretty much everything about me." My battles w/depression, my poor credit, the fact that I'm not tall enough to play professional basketball...(he's so corny, he teases me that that is my only flaw!) and I think I had some stupid, naive idea that a person had to NOT deal with any of that before they could be loved by someone. Isn't that just silly? You don't deserve love if you have bad credit? Or you take a anti-depressant? Whatever "Sam". Oh you naive but jaded and cynical fool. (And let's not forget life is not a book or movie or TV show...)

Then today, off to the Renaissance Festival for the first time (I'm really not going to count the one other time I went, when I was 7, since today it felt like I'd never been there before...then again a lot could have changed in about 33 years!) It seemed like a sign that I should go when I read that they were 1. open on a Friday and 2. letting people in for free who also turned 40 this year. How could I resist? Ryan came with, along w/his cousin Justin and his wife Carla.

It was a good time. I probably shouldn't have gone from a financial standpoint but I haven't done anything like this in ages. I managed to stay fairly close to my budget of $40 -spent just under $50 and what did I get for that you ask? (Or maybe you don't care, but I'm gonna tell ya anyway! :P) A tarot card reading (and more on this later too), a henna tattoo of the yin-yang symbol, a lotion candle (what a brilliant idea!), a sandwich, a couple of beers and ...? Nope that's it. Ouch. Looking at this list, it doesn't seem like a lot and/or I paid way too much for stuff but...meh. What can I do now about it? Nothing.

My brother is going to do my oil change for me tomorrow morning (hence another reason to get my ass to bed soon!) and that'll save me money. But seriously, I need to figure out my financial shit and now. The fabulous is going to let me try out something starting in November ...I'll just pay her some money every paycheck...spread it out...I really don't know why I do not possess the will-power to just leave money alone in my account. So, we'll see how this works.

Anyhoo...the tarot reading. (I knew a little bit how they work since I went through a "phase" a few years ago after buying a deck and some books on how to do it...in fact I wonder where that stuff is? When I moved from Grand Ave. to here...what did I do with them???) but I've never had one done before. (Next on the "someday" list; a palm reading!)

I had to make an appointment AND pre-pay (and that wasn't nerve-wracking at all...handing over $25 hard-earned dollars and then having to walk away)...I was told she would do a general read and then I would be able to ask 3 questions. So I spent the next 30-40 minutes in a panic over what (brilliant!) questions to ask.

Finally, it was time. Now the cynical part of me said that it's all a bunch of ...not hooey but really, there will be a 50/50 shot of the person who is doing the reading getting it right because life really is in some ways not that complicated. We all deal with loving our jobs or hating our jobs. Being in a relationship or being single. Etc. You get it.

Anyhoo...so I sit down (on a small, old, rattan/wicker, chair that I'm thankful holds me! :P) and we begin by having my hands held in hers from across the table and my eyes closed. She has me take some deep breaths. When I open my eyes and we let go, she tells me that I have some healing in my hands and that when I touch people I should touch them with intent, to heal.

Whoa. OK. Awesome. My mother would TOTALLY agree....she's been telling me for years that if she had the money, she'd set me up in my own business of foot massages and I'd have to call it "Satin Feet". (Not that I've given her one of those in YEARS, but I do like to work on the back of her neck whenever I'm over there. Apparently we're both susceptible to a dowager's hump of sorts...or either that or that is the only place we keep every single bit of stress and tension we're under!) ...where was I? Oh yeah, the healing touch. So like really cool to hear that, even if it's blowing smoke up my ass.

Moving on...I can't recall the entire conversation (even though it lasted less than 10 minutes) but I did jot down the highlights...

1. Healing from/in my touch.
2. Take care of myself; emotionally, physically, spiritually.
3. Work on loving myself first and foremost
4. I won't be content forever not being married. I want to be married...someday.
5. Not to give up on my dream of living overseas (London calling...) and that I should be at least planning a trip and taking it soon.
6. Need to pursue finding new work. When I started my current job, I didn't mind it but now it's time for me to make a change.

So like all of that, duh! Could apply to anyone right? Or at least 50% of the population.

But still, all good to hear and be reminded of right? Right!

So we saw some cool acts (the guy on the ladder who juggled and walked a tightrope...cool!) ate food, drank beer and just walked around. It really is just one big money sucker though isn't it? But I'm glad I did it. I've been lacking in the "wild adventures" department lately. And while this wasn't the wildest, it sure was an adventure.

...the work thing was interesting. I had my monthly 1 on 1 with my manager last week. That same day, earlier in the day, I also happened to have had a conversation with my former manager (who is pretty cool...between her and my current one, I feel like I've got 2 champions in my corner) and part of what we talked about was how disappointed I was about in not making Summit. How frustrated I was in general with the job. That I was burning out and cranky. They both pointed out, that in reality, I hadn't started the effort for summit from the beginning of the time frame we had to qualify (yeah, but it still sucks since I worked my ass off the latter half of the year when I found out it was even a possibility) and when I expressed my continuing frustrations with the job (man, I sure bitch about my job a lot to EVERYONE don't I? That's going to change) ...they both had the same "pep talk" for me...that I am responsible for my attitude. It's free and who does it benefit? Me. Who gets to benefit if I don't take any of it personally? Me. (Then again, I'm still going to care because that's who I am but I don't have to let it spill over into all aspects of my life, especially those outside of work)

Sure, we have challenges with the technology (understatement of the year!) and some of the people that call but how I choose to react or not react to them is up to me and why should I let other people bring me down? I care and I do my best for most everyone (Though I'm only human and if someone comes at me with an attitude and they're not won over by my instant friendliness and charm, well then fuck 'em, they won't get my best....Oh. This is probably something else I should probably work on? Kill 'em with kindness and all that jazz...right?) All easier said than done. But I did notice that when I went to work the next few days after these conversations, that I felt better. I said good-bye to my piss poor attitude and decided to not let any of it get to me. (Shall we put money on how long before bad-attitude "Sam" is back? :D)

More importantly, we also talked about that next bid around I should try to get into the group sales department. Especially since they're working toward [getting back to?] where one agent handles the group from start to finish. From booking to when they get off the plane after their flights home. And this is like a total fucking DUH!!!! Why haven't I thought about this sooner? Oh yeah. Daytime hours. But they happen to have shifts that start around 10/11am. I can do that. So once again, it comes down to my getting over my stubborn self and being willing to ...change. Become more flexible. Less rigid. Get my ass up before 11am (or 2pm on days off! :D)

While I love being a night owl...wouldn't the trade off be worth it? Evenings free to spend time with B or friends. Or take classes. And have weekends off again? And more importantly, most importantly, having a job that lets me make the best use of my talents in building and maintaining relationships with customers. Currently, it doesn't pay any more than what we make now but the job satisfaction in itself would be worth it. (Yet another reason to start getting my ass used to being in bed before 4 bloody am!) ...Then again, maybe it will pay better if we vote OUT the union at work. (Don't even get me started about how I'm going to decide what to do when it comes time to make the choice between union or non-union that we're gonna have to deal with in probably about a month or so)

Anyhoo. It also means, doing my job, the current job and NOT slip-sliding back into bad habits...calling in sick when I'm really not (then again, with the depression I am susceptible to, it's very easy take the first step on the slippery slope of "why bother, everything is SO hard") I am in control of my choices and I LIKE having choices and not having them taken away from me. Granted, this job is stressful and draining...oh so draining. (And what's up w/dreaming about work? I am obsessed with finding award space for people in them!)

OOOoooh, you know what? I just thought of a great question I should have asked today...just popped into my head right now...what is my purpose in life??? Would have LOVED to hear what she had to say about that! I have been struggling with this question for years but I won't elaborate on this right now because....Ack! It's now after 3am and I better call it quits and...repeat after me...get my ass to bed.

Stay tuned :P and Ciao.