I sometimes get a kick out coming up with witty titles for these posts. And other times, meh.
Yes, meh. I've seen other bloggers/writers use that word and I LIKE it.
OK, now on to the thought that just crossed my mind and that I felt must be put out there...and gives me a reason to write something (what's up w/this only once a month or so posting? Eh...I'll maybe get into that a bit later)
It's wonderful when the love of your life says he still adores you after decades of knowing each other (or did I mean to say of knowing you?) Sigh. Big, deep, happy sigh. Love comes in so many shapes and forms doesn't it? And I'm learning -after all of these years -that love with a significant other can be so different for different people. But it all has one thing (well, one thing I can think of right now) that someone loves you for being YOU. Now of course this should also be something essential in the relationships you have with family or friends but for the sake of this post, I'm just talking about romantic love.)
The first romantic relationship(s) I observed were of course my mother and her husbands. And her family. Wait. Not going to elaborate on that after all. Sorry. But your used to that by now right? :P
And actually you know what? I'm going to stop this post here. I said what I wanted to say. For now. I thought I wanted to write a whole insightful, detailed post about love but ...not. It was a long day at work. So this is all for now.
Ciao.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
And now October is almost over
Sign Language for this week. And OMG. Totally true.
Leo(July 23-Aug. 22) Despite your love of luxury, most Leos deal with poverty pretty well. Unlike your sensual Taurean cousins, who get frustrated when things aren’t top-quality, Leos really only need a few special things in their lives; the rest can be rather plain, cheap, or ordinary. This ability to make do with less will serve you well this week and in the coming months, but make sure you don’t deprive yourself completely. Selectively pamper yourself here and there, without breaking the bank. Indulging yourself in one or two vital ways is the key to being happy with everything else.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Another weekend of the usual. Sleeping in, having breakfast/coffee/a cigarette and then hours spent wasting time playing around with my FB games. Waiting for the phone to ring to see if it might be tonight that I have a date with my sweetie.
Actually I've not been completely useless. Yesterday I was able to figure out what health insurance benefits to have for next year and did my sign up.
Today, laundry. Well, a load was put in the washer anyway. Suppose I ought to go and put it in the dryer now...or at least at some point soon. And I also finally called and made an appointment for the dentist. Actually that feels like BIG accomplishment. Go "Sam"!
It's been a rough month in terms of being motivated get a lot done, let alone get to work. Everyday is a struggle to get up and go out and about. Do I maybe need to increase the dosage of my happy pill? Go back into therapy? I don't know. Maybe it's just the changing of the season. It's getting colder. (Oh wait, another task accomplished this week was getting out the sweaters and warmer clothes for easy access and pulling out some clothes that I would like to donate to a shelter for women.)
Anyhoo...just feeling...blah. Not liking that I've taken so much time off of work as I have but unable to resist the temptation. It was almost better when I could NOT be absent. Financially it's killing me...I'm behind on bills and after having had them under control for the last year or so, I don't like this. I just have to force myself to not take so much time off. I have to think about what I want and if I want to more than just survive...exist, and it's gonna take some self-discipline. When I get to work it's not so bad. It's the getting up and going that is so hard. At least with the 2nd shift I don't have to be getting up when it's still dark out.
Well, speaking of that, actually tomorrow I have to get up pretty early. I've agreed to accompany Ryan as he goes house hunting w/his Realtor. I have to be at his house by 8:15am!!! (Now that's what I call friendship/love!) I think it will actually be a good experience for me as I ponder what to do myself when it comes time to changing my living situation...which will eventually change.
While I love the thought of having my own place, a small place to call my very own, the reality of the responsibility of that scares the bejeezus outta me. But I'm oh so tired of moving. I guess I'll see what I learn tomorrow and maybe that will clarify things for me.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Regardless of seeing B tonight, I really should go take a shower. I tend to get careless when I don't have to be anywhere. It's like, why bother? But I realize I've got to start caring and taking better care of myself and maybe that will help me emotionally. Maybe not.
So OK, I'll go put the clothes in the dryer and take a shower. Come back to this later...
Or maybe not shower yet. But I did put the stuff in the dryer. Re: a shower...the bathroom is so so cold...
I guess just call me Eeyore right now. It feels so completely self-indulgent right now to be so whiny. I know things could be worse. But sometimes I just wish I was living someone else's life. Be a completely different person. Be anyone other than myself.
I've realized lately why I like the yin and yang symbol so much, because I truly am a creature of light and dark. My light side comes out when I'm with other people, or at work and when I'm at home, it's all dark baby. There is no gray. Just simply the light and the dark. I like the definition that Wikipedia gives..."Yin yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, although yin or yang elements may manifest more strongly in different objects or at different times. Yin yang constantly interacts, never existing in absolute stasis."
If I ever get up the guts to get a tattoo, that would be what I would get. A nice, clean, small one...
Hmm. Well, I suppose this enough for now. (Aren't you glad you took the time to read this? :P)
Leo(July 23-Aug. 22) Despite your love of luxury, most Leos deal with poverty pretty well. Unlike your sensual Taurean cousins, who get frustrated when things aren’t top-quality, Leos really only need a few special things in their lives; the rest can be rather plain, cheap, or ordinary. This ability to make do with less will serve you well this week and in the coming months, but make sure you don’t deprive yourself completely. Selectively pamper yourself here and there, without breaking the bank. Indulging yourself in one or two vital ways is the key to being happy with everything else.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Another weekend of the usual. Sleeping in, having breakfast/coffee/a cigarette and then hours spent wasting time playing around with my FB games. Waiting for the phone to ring to see if it might be tonight that I have a date with my sweetie.
Actually I've not been completely useless. Yesterday I was able to figure out what health insurance benefits to have for next year and did my sign up.
Today, laundry. Well, a load was put in the washer anyway. Suppose I ought to go and put it in the dryer now...or at least at some point soon. And I also finally called and made an appointment for the dentist. Actually that feels like BIG accomplishment. Go "Sam"!
It's been a rough month in terms of being motivated get a lot done, let alone get to work. Everyday is a struggle to get up and go out and about. Do I maybe need to increase the dosage of my happy pill? Go back into therapy? I don't know. Maybe it's just the changing of the season. It's getting colder. (Oh wait, another task accomplished this week was getting out the sweaters and warmer clothes for easy access and pulling out some clothes that I would like to donate to a shelter for women.)
Anyhoo...just feeling...blah. Not liking that I've taken so much time off of work as I have but unable to resist the temptation. It was almost better when I could NOT be absent. Financially it's killing me...I'm behind on bills and after having had them under control for the last year or so, I don't like this. I just have to force myself to not take so much time off. I have to think about what I want and if I want to more than just survive...exist, and it's gonna take some self-discipline. When I get to work it's not so bad. It's the getting up and going that is so hard. At least with the 2nd shift I don't have to be getting up when it's still dark out.
Well, speaking of that, actually tomorrow I have to get up pretty early. I've agreed to accompany Ryan as he goes house hunting w/his Realtor. I have to be at his house by 8:15am!!! (Now that's what I call friendship/love!) I think it will actually be a good experience for me as I ponder what to do myself when it comes time to changing my living situation...which will eventually change.
While I love the thought of having my own place, a small place to call my very own, the reality of the responsibility of that scares the bejeezus outta me. But I'm oh so tired of moving. I guess I'll see what I learn tomorrow and maybe that will clarify things for me.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Regardless of seeing B tonight, I really should go take a shower. I tend to get careless when I don't have to be anywhere. It's like, why bother? But I realize I've got to start caring and taking better care of myself and maybe that will help me emotionally. Maybe not.
So OK, I'll go put the clothes in the dryer and take a shower. Come back to this later...
Or maybe not shower yet. But I did put the stuff in the dryer. Re: a shower...the bathroom is so so cold...
I guess just call me Eeyore right now. It feels so completely self-indulgent right now to be so whiny. I know things could be worse. But sometimes I just wish I was living someone else's life. Be a completely different person. Be anyone other than myself.
I've realized lately why I like the yin and yang symbol so much, because I truly am a creature of light and dark. My light side comes out when I'm with other people, or at work and when I'm at home, it's all dark baby. There is no gray. Just simply the light and the dark. I like the definition that Wikipedia gives..."Yin yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, although yin or yang elements may manifest more strongly in different objects or at different times. Yin yang constantly interacts, never existing in absolute stasis."
If I ever get up the guts to get a tattoo, that would be what I would get. A nice, clean, small one...
Hmm. Well, I suppose this enough for now. (Aren't you glad you took the time to read this? :P)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
And Just Like That It's October
(10/2/10 Note: this is a long one. Get comfortable.)
I'm going to do my darnedest to keep this fairly brief (ha!) because it's almost 1am and I've had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many nights up being up until 4am (if not later.) I go through phases where I'll be "good" and then I'll fall off the go-to-bed-at-a-halfway-decent-hour wagon.
Ah well. Story of my life. Walking the straight line (feeling and being in control) with going to bed early, my health/eating better, money, responsibility, etc. and then I go and take a detour. Am I just looking for some excitement? Even if it's not the healthiest of excitement? Maybe a little.
It was a good weekend. Got to just hang with myself on Wednesday (yup, naughty girl took another (pre-arranged in advance) unpaid day off, but more on work later), then Thursday had a date w/B. And we had an excellent time. It's amazing what communication does for a relationship 'eh? I was actually having a moment of "wow, here I have this man who loves me and knows pretty much everything about me." My battles w/depression, my poor credit, the fact that I'm not tall enough to play professional basketball...(he's so corny, he teases me that that is my only flaw!) and I think I had some stupid, naive idea that a person had to NOT deal with any of that before they could be loved by someone. Isn't that just silly? You don't deserve love if you have bad credit? Or you take a anti-depressant? Whatever "Sam". Oh you naive but jaded and cynical fool. (And let's not forget life is not a book or movie or TV show...)
Then today, off to the Renaissance Festival for the first time (I'm really not going to count the one other time I went, when I was 7, since today it felt like I'd never been there before...then again a lot could have changed in about 33 years!) It seemed like a sign that I should go when I read that they were 1. open on a Friday and 2. letting people in for free who also turned 40 this year. How could I resist? Ryan came with, along w/his cousin Justin and his wife Carla.
It was a good time. I probably shouldn't have gone from a financial standpoint but I haven't done anything like this in ages. I managed to stay fairly close to my budget of $40 -spent just under $50 and what did I get for that you ask? (Or maybe you don't care, but I'm gonna tell ya anyway! :P) A tarot card reading (and more on this later too), a henna tattoo of the yin-yang symbol, a lotion candle (what a brilliant idea!), a sandwich, a couple of beers and ...? Nope that's it. Ouch. Looking at this list, it doesn't seem like a lot and/or I paid way too much for stuff but...meh. What can I do now about it? Nothing.
My brother is going to do my oil change for me tomorrow morning (hence another reason to get my ass to bed soon!) and that'll save me money. But seriously, I need to figure out my financial shit and now. The fabulous is going to let me try out something starting in November ...I'll just pay her some money every paycheck...spread it out...I really don't know why I do not possess the will-power to just leave money alone in my account. So, we'll see how this works.
Anyhoo...the tarot reading. (I knew a little bit how they work since I went through a "phase" a few years ago after buying a deck and some books on how to do it...in fact I wonder where that stuff is? When I moved from Grand Ave. to here...what did I do with them???) but I've never had one done before. (Next on the "someday" list; a palm reading!)
I had to make an appointment AND pre-pay (and that wasn't nerve-wracking at all...handing over $25 hard-earned dollars and then having to walk away)...I was told she would do a general read and then I would be able to ask 3 questions. So I spent the next 30-40 minutes in a panic over what (brilliant!) questions to ask.
Finally, it was time. Now the cynical part of me said that it's all a bunch of ...not hooey but really, there will be a 50/50 shot of the person who is doing the reading getting it right because life really is in some ways not that complicated. We all deal with loving our jobs or hating our jobs. Being in a relationship or being single. Etc. You get it.
Anyhoo...so I sit down (on a small, old, rattan/wicker, chair that I'm thankful holds me! :P) and we begin by having my hands held in hers from across the table and my eyes closed. She has me take some deep breaths. When I open my eyes and we let go, she tells me that I have some healing in my hands and that when I touch people I should touch them with intent, to heal.
Whoa. OK. Awesome. My mother would TOTALLY agree....she's been telling me for years that if she had the money, she'd set me up in my own business of foot massages and I'd have to call it "Satin Feet". (Not that I've given her one of those in YEARS, but I do like to work on the back of her neck whenever I'm over there. Apparently we're both susceptible to a dowager's hump of sorts...or either that or that is the only place we keep every single bit of stress and tension we're under!) ...where was I? Oh yeah, the healing touch. So like really cool to hear that, even if it's blowing smoke up my ass.
Moving on...I can't recall the entire conversation (even though it lasted less than 10 minutes) but I did jot down the highlights...
1. Healing from/in my touch.
2. Take care of myself; emotionally, physically, spiritually.
3. Work on loving myself first and foremost
4. I won't be content forever not being married. I want to be married...someday.
5. Not to give up on my dream of living overseas (London calling...) and that I should be at least planning a trip and taking it soon.
6. Need to pursue finding new work. When I started my current job, I didn't mind it but now it's time for me to make a change.
So like all of that, duh! Could apply to anyone right? Or at least 50% of the population.
But still, all good to hear and be reminded of right? Right!
So we saw some cool acts (the guy on the ladder who juggled and walked a tightrope...cool!) ate food, drank beer and just walked around. It really is just one big money sucker though isn't it? But I'm glad I did it. I've been lacking in the "wild adventures" department lately. And while this wasn't the wildest, it sure was an adventure.
...the work thing was interesting. I had my monthly 1 on 1 with my manager last week. That same day, earlier in the day, I also happened to have had a conversation with my former manager (who is pretty cool...between her and my current one, I feel like I've got 2 champions in my corner) and part of what we talked about was how disappointed I was about in not making Summit. How frustrated I was in general with the job. That I was burning out and cranky. They both pointed out, that in reality, I hadn't started the effort for summit from the beginning of the time frame we had to qualify (yeah, but it still sucks since I worked my ass off the latter half of the year when I found out it was even a possibility) and when I expressed my continuing frustrations with the job (man, I sure bitch about my job a lot to EVERYONE don't I? That's going to change) ...they both had the same "pep talk" for me...that I am responsible for my attitude. It's free and who does it benefit? Me. Who gets to benefit if I don't take any of it personally? Me. (Then again, I'm still going to care because that's who I am but I don't have to let it spill over into all aspects of my life, especially those outside of work)
Sure, we have challenges with the technology (understatement of the year!) and some of the people that call but how I choose to react or not react to them is up to me and why should I let other people bring me down? I care and I do my best for most everyone (Though I'm only human and if someone comes at me with an attitude and they're not won over by my instant friendliness and charm, well then fuck 'em, they won't get my best....Oh. This is probably something else I should probably work on? Kill 'em with kindness and all that jazz...right?) All easier said than done. But I did notice that when I went to work the next few days after these conversations, that I felt better. I said good-bye to my piss poor attitude and decided to not let any of it get to me. (Shall we put money on how long before bad-attitude "Sam" is back? :D)
More importantly, we also talked about that next bid around I should try to get into the group sales department. Especially since they're working toward [getting back to?] where one agent handles the group from start to finish. From booking to when they get off the plane after their flights home. And this is like a total fucking DUH!!!! Why haven't I thought about this sooner? Oh yeah. Daytime hours. But they happen to have shifts that start around 10/11am. I can do that. So once again, it comes down to my getting over my stubborn self and being willing to ...change. Become more flexible. Less rigid. Get my ass up before 11am (or 2pm on days off! :D)
While I love being a night owl...wouldn't the trade off be worth it? Evenings free to spend time with B or friends. Or take classes. And have weekends off again? And more importantly, most importantly, having a job that lets me make the best use of my talents in building and maintaining relationships with customers. Currently, it doesn't pay any more than what we make now but the job satisfaction in itself would be worth it. (Yet another reason to start getting my ass used to being in bed before 4 bloody am!) ...Then again, maybe it will pay better if we vote OUT the union at work. (Don't even get me started about how I'm going to decide what to do when it comes time to make the choice between union or non-union that we're gonna have to deal with in probably about a month or so)
Anyhoo. It also means, doing my job, the current job and NOT slip-sliding back into bad habits...calling in sick when I'm really not (then again, with the depression I am susceptible to, it's very easy take the first step on the slippery slope of "why bother, everything is SO hard") I am in control of my choices and I LIKE having choices and not having them taken away from me. Granted, this job is stressful and draining...oh so draining. (And what's up w/dreaming about work? I am obsessed with finding award space for people in them!)
OOOoooh, you know what? I just thought of a great question I should have asked today...just popped into my head right now...what is my purpose in life??? Would have LOVED to hear what she had to say about that! I have been struggling with this question for years but I won't elaborate on this right now because....Ack! It's now after 3am and I better call it quits and...repeat after me...get my ass to bed.
Stay tuned :P and Ciao.
I'm going to do my darnedest to keep this fairly brief (ha!) because it's almost 1am and I've had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many nights up being up until 4am (if not later.) I go through phases where I'll be "good" and then I'll fall off the go-to-bed-at-a-halfway-decent-hour wagon.
Ah well. Story of my life. Walking the straight line (feeling and being in control) with going to bed early, my health/eating better, money, responsibility, etc. and then I go and take a detour. Am I just looking for some excitement? Even if it's not the healthiest of excitement? Maybe a little.
It was a good weekend. Got to just hang with myself on Wednesday (yup, naughty girl took another (pre-arranged in advance) unpaid day off, but more on work later), then Thursday had a date w/B. And we had an excellent time. It's amazing what communication does for a relationship 'eh? I was actually having a moment of "wow, here I have this man who loves me and knows pretty much everything about me." My battles w/depression, my poor credit, the fact that I'm not tall enough to play professional basketball...(he's so corny, he teases me that that is my only flaw!) and I think I had some stupid, naive idea that a person had to NOT deal with any of that before they could be loved by someone. Isn't that just silly? You don't deserve love if you have bad credit? Or you take a anti-depressant? Whatever "Sam". Oh you naive but jaded and cynical fool. (And let's not forget life is not a book or movie or TV show...)
Then today, off to the Renaissance Festival for the first time (I'm really not going to count the one other time I went, when I was 7, since today it felt like I'd never been there before...then again a lot could have changed in about 33 years!) It seemed like a sign that I should go when I read that they were 1. open on a Friday and 2. letting people in for free who also turned 40 this year. How could I resist? Ryan came with, along w/his cousin Justin and his wife Carla.
It was a good time. I probably shouldn't have gone from a financial standpoint but I haven't done anything like this in ages. I managed to stay fairly close to my budget of $40 -spent just under $50 and what did I get for that you ask? (Or maybe you don't care, but I'm gonna tell ya anyway! :P) A tarot card reading (and more on this later too), a henna tattoo of the yin-yang symbol, a lotion candle (what a brilliant idea!), a sandwich, a couple of beers and ...? Nope that's it. Ouch. Looking at this list, it doesn't seem like a lot and/or I paid way too much for stuff but...meh. What can I do now about it? Nothing.
My brother is going to do my oil change for me tomorrow morning (hence another reason to get my ass to bed soon!) and that'll save me money. But seriously, I need to figure out my financial shit and now. The fabulous is going to let me try out something starting in November ...I'll just pay her some money every paycheck...spread it out...I really don't know why I do not possess the will-power to just leave money alone in my account. So, we'll see how this works.
Anyhoo...the tarot reading. (I knew a little bit how they work since I went through a "phase" a few years ago after buying a deck and some books on how to do it...in fact I wonder where that stuff is? When I moved from Grand Ave. to here...what did I do with them???) but I've never had one done before. (Next on the "someday" list; a palm reading!)
I had to make an appointment AND pre-pay (and that wasn't nerve-wracking at all...handing over $25 hard-earned dollars and then having to walk away)...I was told she would do a general read and then I would be able to ask 3 questions. So I spent the next 30-40 minutes in a panic over what (brilliant!) questions to ask.
Finally, it was time. Now the cynical part of me said that it's all a bunch of ...not hooey but really, there will be a 50/50 shot of the person who is doing the reading getting it right because life really is in some ways not that complicated. We all deal with loving our jobs or hating our jobs. Being in a relationship or being single. Etc. You get it.
Anyhoo...so I sit down (on a small, old, rattan/wicker, chair that I'm thankful holds me! :P) and we begin by having my hands held in hers from across the table and my eyes closed. She has me take some deep breaths. When I open my eyes and we let go, she tells me that I have some healing in my hands and that when I touch people I should touch them with intent, to heal.
Whoa. OK. Awesome. My mother would TOTALLY agree....she's been telling me for years that if she had the money, she'd set me up in my own business of foot massages and I'd have to call it "Satin Feet". (Not that I've given her one of those in YEARS, but I do like to work on the back of her neck whenever I'm over there. Apparently we're both susceptible to a dowager's hump of sorts...or either that or that is the only place we keep every single bit of stress and tension we're under!) ...where was I? Oh yeah, the healing touch. So like really cool to hear that, even if it's blowing smoke up my ass.
Moving on...I can't recall the entire conversation (even though it lasted less than 10 minutes) but I did jot down the highlights...
1. Healing from/in my touch.
2. Take care of myself; emotionally, physically, spiritually.
3. Work on loving myself first and foremost
4. I won't be content forever not being married. I want to be married...someday.
5. Not to give up on my dream of living overseas (London calling...) and that I should be at least planning a trip and taking it soon.
6. Need to pursue finding new work. When I started my current job, I didn't mind it but now it's time for me to make a change.
So like all of that, duh! Could apply to anyone right? Or at least 50% of the population.
But still, all good to hear and be reminded of right? Right!
So we saw some cool acts (the guy on the ladder who juggled and walked a tightrope...cool!) ate food, drank beer and just walked around. It really is just one big money sucker though isn't it? But I'm glad I did it. I've been lacking in the "wild adventures" department lately. And while this wasn't the wildest, it sure was an adventure.
...the work thing was interesting. I had my monthly 1 on 1 with my manager last week. That same day, earlier in the day, I also happened to have had a conversation with my former manager (who is pretty cool...between her and my current one, I feel like I've got 2 champions in my corner) and part of what we talked about was how disappointed I was about in not making Summit. How frustrated I was in general with the job. That I was burning out and cranky. They both pointed out, that in reality, I hadn't started the effort for summit from the beginning of the time frame we had to qualify (yeah, but it still sucks since I worked my ass off the latter half of the year when I found out it was even a possibility) and when I expressed my continuing frustrations with the job (man, I sure bitch about my job a lot to EVERYONE don't I? That's going to change) ...they both had the same "pep talk" for me...that I am responsible for my attitude. It's free and who does it benefit? Me. Who gets to benefit if I don't take any of it personally? Me. (Then again, I'm still going to care because that's who I am but I don't have to let it spill over into all aspects of my life, especially those outside of work)
Sure, we have challenges with the technology (understatement of the year!) and some of the people that call but how I choose to react or not react to them is up to me and why should I let other people bring me down? I care and I do my best for most everyone (Though I'm only human and if someone comes at me with an attitude and they're not won over by my instant friendliness and charm, well then fuck 'em, they won't get my best....Oh. This is probably something else I should probably work on? Kill 'em with kindness and all that jazz...right?) All easier said than done. But I did notice that when I went to work the next few days after these conversations, that I felt better. I said good-bye to my piss poor attitude and decided to not let any of it get to me. (Shall we put money on how long before bad-attitude "Sam" is back? :D)
More importantly, we also talked about that next bid around I should try to get into the group sales department. Especially since they're working toward [getting back to?] where one agent handles the group from start to finish. From booking to when they get off the plane after their flights home. And this is like a total fucking DUH!!!! Why haven't I thought about this sooner? Oh yeah. Daytime hours. But they happen to have shifts that start around 10/11am. I can do that. So once again, it comes down to my getting over my stubborn self and being willing to ...change. Become more flexible. Less rigid. Get my ass up before 11am (or 2pm on days off! :D)
While I love being a night owl...wouldn't the trade off be worth it? Evenings free to spend time with B or friends. Or take classes. And have weekends off again? And more importantly, most importantly, having a job that lets me make the best use of my talents in building and maintaining relationships with customers. Currently, it doesn't pay any more than what we make now but the job satisfaction in itself would be worth it. (Yet another reason to start getting my ass used to being in bed before 4 bloody am!) ...Then again, maybe it will pay better if we vote OUT the union at work. (Don't even get me started about how I'm going to decide what to do when it comes time to make the choice between union or non-union that we're gonna have to deal with in probably about a month or so)
Anyhoo. It also means, doing my job, the current job and NOT slip-sliding back into bad habits...calling in sick when I'm really not (then again, with the depression I am susceptible to, it's very easy take the first step on the slippery slope of "why bother, everything is SO hard") I am in control of my choices and I LIKE having choices and not having them taken away from me. Granted, this job is stressful and draining...oh so draining. (And what's up w/dreaming about work? I am obsessed with finding award space for people in them!)
OOOoooh, you know what? I just thought of a great question I should have asked today...just popped into my head right now...what is my purpose in life??? Would have LOVED to hear what she had to say about that! I have been struggling with this question for years but I won't elaborate on this right now because....Ack! It's now after 3am and I better call it quits and...repeat after me...get my ass to bed.
Stay tuned :P and Ciao.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Oh now THIS is exciting
Not.
Not a whole lot has been going on the past couple of weeks...and what little stuff that has happened hasn't been exciting enough for me to muster up the motivation/desire/energy to post about.
I didn't qualify for Summit at work and I took it badly. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it until I didn't get it.
Fall is officially underway and this year I was not, am not, as sad about it. For the last few years I've gotten especially blue around this time of year...not sure if it has to do with the whole "end of summer" thing though I think that was mostly it. Another summer I didn't take advantage of the weather to go out and about and DO things. But this year? Nope. I think I've been too distracted by living in the now to be sad about what I didn't do in the [now] past. Life is too short for regrets.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
So my goal of getting celebratory cards to people on time is still something I need to work on. My parent's didn't get their anniversary card until over a week later when my brother and I had an anniversary dinner with them. I actually put together said dinner...made them some lemon pasta with chicken. Then we all sat around and chatted for a bit and it was nice. I was a little afraid that they would gang up on me and "witness" to me now that my brother is back on the religion, but nope. Whew! I mentioned this delay to a co-worker who didn't understand what the big deal was, about the anniversary in general, but it's more than their anniversary, it's the anniversary of when we officially became a family with this man that my mother fell in love with and who became "Pop" ...a man who stepped in and became a true father to my brother and I...and we needed that in light of our biological fathers absence. (I really must be growing up since I didn't call the bf an asshole this time around!)
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
B and I are good. We've gotten together a few times now and are continuing to really talk and enjoy each others company. It's actually 7 years today that we started just talking again after our last break-up. I don't remember how long we were apart but I sent him a postcard telling him that if he ever needed to find me, where and how he could find me with the phone number and address I had at the time. (I wasn't easy to find with all the moving and changing phones/jobs that had been happening in my 30's...oh who are we kidding? I'm still not permanently settled anywhere...but this brings up another topic I'll get to soon...) It took us almost another month to actually get together in person.
This time around it's been better in so many ways and I think it's because we're both committed to each other as best we can under the current circumstances. We actually sat down and said OK, we're doing this. We're going to be in this relationship. Oh sure, there have been those big speed bumps along the road but they've actually helped. They've allowed me, us, to stop for a minute and really think about whether we wanted to keep going. And on that note, let me just pop in a perfect song for that last sentence (it's just such a great song by Keane how can I resist? :P )
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
I've gotten caught up with almost all of the fall season premieres I care about (damn you "The Big Bang Theory" for your lack of availability from the usual sources online) and so last night I found myself watching episodes of "House Hunters International" of all things. I almost shouldn't have because it reminded me that whenever I watch that and the U.S. version, I'm struck by the thought, "how on earth do people afford these houses?" Now I realize that while this is "reality TV" it still is TV and it only reflects a small percentage of the population but it always brings me around to thinking about money which leads to thinking about jobs.
I make less than $25K a year and have to reconcile myself with the fact that unless I do something about getting some further education - which would hopefully lead to a better paying career/job - this is going to be as good as it gets for me. Oh there I go being dramatic again but seriously, unless I get off my scared, lazy ass, this is it. Oh maybe I don't necessarily need more school but I do need the desire to find better and it just isn't there right now. I may rail against the job but it's a job that I've managed to hang on to for over 3 years now and it has some perks (did I mention I'm thinking of making the trip to Amsterdam an annual New Year's Eve thing? Who's with me this year besides Diane?)
The crazy thing is that I really don't need to be making gobs of money. I've become accustomed to living on a smaller income. And you know what? I actually like my life. I'm not bogged down with material possessions. I have what I need with a tiny bit leftover for fun.
But lately, I've become enamored with the idea of settling down and getting my own house and that's gonna cost money. And I'm terrible with money. I admit it. I'm nuts to even think about getting a house of my own but oh the desire is strong. After having moved around so many fucking times in my life, I want to settle down and have a place of my very own. As long as I'm going to stay in MN, well then, why not? I just need to practice discipline. Fiscal discipline.
Renting from someone is so easy, renting from the fabulous is so easy. I can afford this life.
I guess I have the winter to think about what's next for me as the spring will bring about the fabulous putting the house on the market. (I would consider it but it's too much house for one person and I'd prefer something with less levels and in St. Paul.) I know the housing market is great right now and I'll just have to leave it up to the fates as to how it all plays out the next few months. In the meantime, I finally mustered up the courage to run my credit reports. And I'll be focusing on paying off some more bills as best I can -or at least making payments on them.
All that and still trying to live a balanced life. Ha!
You know it's a Friday night and wow, already after midnight. How'd that happen? Oh yeah, I took a nap earlier this evening. Maybe I should have gotten motivated and rung up friends to see what they were doing but nope. I wanted some me time this weekend. Back to the grind tomorrow. Not that I mind starting my work week on a Saturday. I kinda like it.
Well so I guess I will just stop here for tonight. G'night.
Not a whole lot has been going on the past couple of weeks...and what little stuff that has happened hasn't been exciting enough for me to muster up the motivation/desire/energy to post about.
I didn't qualify for Summit at work and I took it badly. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it until I didn't get it.
Fall is officially underway and this year I was not, am not, as sad about it. For the last few years I've gotten especially blue around this time of year...not sure if it has to do with the whole "end of summer" thing though I think that was mostly it. Another summer I didn't take advantage of the weather to go out and about and DO things. But this year? Nope. I think I've been too distracted by living in the now to be sad about what I didn't do in the [now] past. Life is too short for regrets.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
So my goal of getting celebratory cards to people on time is still something I need to work on. My parent's didn't get their anniversary card until over a week later when my brother and I had an anniversary dinner with them. I actually put together said dinner...made them some lemon pasta with chicken. Then we all sat around and chatted for a bit and it was nice. I was a little afraid that they would gang up on me and "witness" to me now that my brother is back on the religion, but nope. Whew! I mentioned this delay to a co-worker who didn't understand what the big deal was, about the anniversary in general, but it's more than their anniversary, it's the anniversary of when we officially became a family with this man that my mother fell in love with and who became "Pop" ...a man who stepped in and became a true father to my brother and I...and we needed that in light of our biological fathers absence. (I really must be growing up since I didn't call the bf an asshole this time around!)
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
B and I are good. We've gotten together a few times now and are continuing to really talk and enjoy each others company. It's actually 7 years today that we started just talking again after our last break-up. I don't remember how long we were apart but I sent him a postcard telling him that if he ever needed to find me, where and how he could find me with the phone number and address I had at the time. (I wasn't easy to find with all the moving and changing phones/jobs that had been happening in my 30's...oh who are we kidding? I'm still not permanently settled anywhere...but this brings up another topic I'll get to soon...) It took us almost another month to actually get together in person.
This time around it's been better in so many ways and I think it's because we're both committed to each other as best we can under the current circumstances. We actually sat down and said OK, we're doing this. We're going to be in this relationship. Oh sure, there have been those big speed bumps along the road but they've actually helped. They've allowed me, us, to stop for a minute and really think about whether we wanted to keep going. And on that note, let me just pop in a perfect song for that last sentence (it's just such a great song by Keane how can I resist? :P )
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
I've gotten caught up with almost all of the fall season premieres I care about (damn you "The Big Bang Theory" for your lack of availability from the usual sources online) and so last night I found myself watching episodes of "House Hunters International" of all things. I almost shouldn't have because it reminded me that whenever I watch that and the U.S. version, I'm struck by the thought, "how on earth do people afford these houses?" Now I realize that while this is "reality TV" it still is TV and it only reflects a small percentage of the population but it always brings me around to thinking about money which leads to thinking about jobs.
I make less than $25K a year and have to reconcile myself with the fact that unless I do something about getting some further education - which would hopefully lead to a better paying career/job - this is going to be as good as it gets for me. Oh there I go being dramatic again but seriously, unless I get off my scared, lazy ass, this is it. Oh maybe I don't necessarily need more school but I do need the desire to find better and it just isn't there right now. I may rail against the job but it's a job that I've managed to hang on to for over 3 years now and it has some perks (did I mention I'm thinking of making the trip to Amsterdam an annual New Year's Eve thing? Who's with me this year besides Diane?)
The crazy thing is that I really don't need to be making gobs of money. I've become accustomed to living on a smaller income. And you know what? I actually like my life. I'm not bogged down with material possessions. I have what I need with a tiny bit leftover for fun.
But lately, I've become enamored with the idea of settling down and getting my own house and that's gonna cost money. And I'm terrible with money. I admit it. I'm nuts to even think about getting a house of my own but oh the desire is strong. After having moved around so many fucking times in my life, I want to settle down and have a place of my very own. As long as I'm going to stay in MN, well then, why not? I just need to practice discipline. Fiscal discipline.
Renting from someone is so easy, renting from the fabulous is so easy. I can afford this life.
I guess I have the winter to think about what's next for me as the spring will bring about the fabulous putting the house on the market. (I would consider it but it's too much house for one person and I'd prefer something with less levels and in St. Paul.) I know the housing market is great right now and I'll just have to leave it up to the fates as to how it all plays out the next few months. In the meantime, I finally mustered up the courage to run my credit reports. And I'll be focusing on paying off some more bills as best I can -or at least making payments on them.
All that and still trying to live a balanced life. Ha!
You know it's a Friday night and wow, already after midnight. How'd that happen? Oh yeah, I took a nap earlier this evening. Maybe I should have gotten motivated and rung up friends to see what they were doing but nope. I wanted some me time this weekend. Back to the grind tomorrow. Not that I mind starting my work week on a Saturday. I kinda like it.
Well so I guess I will just stop here for tonight. G'night.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
And all is well with the world
Happy Saturday to me. Slept to the ungodly time of 2:30pm. Then again, I was up until about 4:30am last night.
After work, I stopped by B's work to talk with him. And you know what? It was so damn good to see him. I had actually called him earlier in the day...with butterflies in my stomach because I wasn't sure what he was going to say. But it was like the "break" hadn't happened. He never did get the email (or do I believe that he never did? Or was he really just playing dumb when he called me last week?) Whatever, I suppose in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter in the end. We had 2 weeks of no contact which still gave us time to appreciate each other and be sure we wanted to be together.
I was able to express to him, in person, some of my frustrations and ask again for some things I need (you know as I write this bit, it occurs to me that this is all very one-sided and about ME isn't it?) and talk about how we can continue to make this work considering how crazy his schedule is. And we just hung out and talked while he worked and it felt good to just connect with him.
He just makes me so damn happy when we're together (it's NOT seeing him that drives me over the edge into drama-land but that's on me to work on that.) I'm so crazy about him -even when he's pissing me off. I don't think I'm going to forget that we will need to keep working at it but he's committed and so am I.
After work, I stopped by B's work to talk with him. And you know what? It was so damn good to see him. I had actually called him earlier in the day...with butterflies in my stomach because I wasn't sure what he was going to say. But it was like the "break" hadn't happened. He never did get the email (or do I believe that he never did? Or was he really just playing dumb when he called me last week?) Whatever, I suppose in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter in the end. We had 2 weeks of no contact which still gave us time to appreciate each other and be sure we wanted to be together.
I was able to express to him, in person, some of my frustrations and ask again for some things I need (you know as I write this bit, it occurs to me that this is all very one-sided and about ME isn't it?) and talk about how we can continue to make this work considering how crazy his schedule is. And we just hung out and talked while he worked and it felt good to just connect with him.
He just makes me so damn happy when we're together (it's NOT seeing him that drives me over the edge into drama-land but that's on me to work on that.) I'm so crazy about him -even when he's pissing me off. I don't think I'm going to forget that we will need to keep working at it but he's committed and so am I.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Oh just more passive-aggressive behaviour on my part
(And yes, I'm using the English (as in UK) spelling version of "behaviour"! Deal with it computer!)
What a long day it has been. I've had the hangovers of hangovers and was a very very bad girl and called in sick to work again. The thing is that at 11:45am...which is around the time I leave for work, I was still kinda drunk and I just didn't feel it was in my best interest to make that drive. So there.
The hangover was the result of more than a few (!) Blatz beers being consumed last night at an annual event hosted by Ryan's roommate, Mark (Blatz). I hadn't attended a "BlatzFest" before but had heard stories. It was a great night with only a couple of moments of high drama. I admit I have a crush on Mark ...but managed to mostly behave -even after finding out that he had just broken up with his girlfriend. When I left there were still 7 people standing and that was around 3 a.m. (see I really had the best intentions of going home and crashing out for a few hours before going to work...but then having to get up every fucking hour to pee did NOT help)
So guess what I did during the evening? Yup. Drunk dialing has got to be considered as bad as drunk driving. People should have to turn in their keys AND their phones (oh to think about those days when we didn't have cell phones...)
I was a coherent, not sloppy (or so I'm choosing to believe! :P) drunk and remember most of what I said in the message I left...I hoped he got my email but also that I was IN. Because I love him. And I know he really tries. And that I hoped to talk to him soon.
Now whether or not he gets this message will remain to be seen. See, he's got 2 cell phones for work and on the one of them I can call him in the middle of night whenever I'm out having a late night. So I called it. But I don't know how often he checks it.
Not quite sure why I've yet again told him something important in an indirect way. The email, now this? The way I've handled this whole break thing. But maybe I won't be so hard on myself because it's not like I didn't talk to him about my frustrations, more than once.
The fair is FINALLY over for another fucking year. But crap, now I'm getting nervous. Do I call him first or just wait? What if he did read the email and has decided that he really should do the honorable thing and let me go? Or what if he's decided that he's going to find better ways to deal with his schedule and we do keep on keepin' on. How will this time apart have affected us? Or will it not have changed anything? Or...or...or...
It really boils down to -for me -that I've got this man who is in my life who loves me and totally accepts me for who I am. But I'm also going to have to keep focusing on making MY life better for me. I guess I'll have to hope that we continue talking and he tries harder and I ease up a bit. Ah, relationships. Sigh. They take work but they should be fun too right?
Now to crash because I still have work tomorrow and no excuse not to go. Better not fuck up the work thing. My manager thinks we'll be finding out around the middle of the month who's qualified for the trip...and I'm just trying not to think about it too much.
What a long day it has been. I've had the hangovers of hangovers and was a very very bad girl and called in sick to work again. The thing is that at 11:45am...which is around the time I leave for work, I was still kinda drunk and I just didn't feel it was in my best interest to make that drive. So there.
The hangover was the result of more than a few (!) Blatz beers being consumed last night at an annual event hosted by Ryan's roommate, Mark (Blatz). I hadn't attended a "BlatzFest" before but had heard stories. It was a great night with only a couple of moments of high drama. I admit I have a crush on Mark ...but managed to mostly behave -even after finding out that he had just broken up with his girlfriend. When I left there were still 7 people standing and that was around 3 a.m. (see I really had the best intentions of going home and crashing out for a few hours before going to work...but then having to get up every fucking hour to pee did NOT help)
So guess what I did during the evening? Yup. Drunk dialing has got to be considered as bad as drunk driving. People should have to turn in their keys AND their phones (oh to think about those days when we didn't have cell phones...)
I was a coherent, not sloppy (or so I'm choosing to believe! :P) drunk and remember most of what I said in the message I left...I hoped he got my email but also that I was IN. Because I love him. And I know he really tries. And that I hoped to talk to him soon.
Now whether or not he gets this message will remain to be seen. See, he's got 2 cell phones for work and on the one of them I can call him in the middle of night whenever I'm out having a late night. So I called it. But I don't know how often he checks it.
Not quite sure why I've yet again told him something important in an indirect way. The email, now this? The way I've handled this whole break thing. But maybe I won't be so hard on myself because it's not like I didn't talk to him about my frustrations, more than once.
The fair is FINALLY over for another fucking year. But crap, now I'm getting nervous. Do I call him first or just wait? What if he did read the email and has decided that he really should do the honorable thing and let me go? Or what if he's decided that he's going to find better ways to deal with his schedule and we do keep on keepin' on. How will this time apart have affected us? Or will it not have changed anything? Or...or...or...
It really boils down to -for me -that I've got this man who is in my life who loves me and totally accepts me for who I am. But I'm also going to have to keep focusing on making MY life better for me. I guess I'll have to hope that we continue talking and he tries harder and I ease up a bit. Ah, relationships. Sigh. They take work but they should be fun too right?
Now to crash because I still have work tomorrow and no excuse not to go. Better not fuck up the work thing. My manager thinks we'll be finding out around the middle of the month who's qualified for the trip...and I'm just trying not to think about it too much.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Either Way It's Pissing Me Off
So he called today. I didn't pick up. I let it go to voice mail (but even then there was only a 75% chance he'd actually leave one but lo and behold, he did!) ...his message was the usual "...Hi, it's me. Just calling to say Hi. It's about 4pm and I'm at work. Give me a call when you have a chance..."
So either he's not gotten around to reading the email (which wouldn't necessarily surprise me...I usually have to tell him that I've sent him an email...so maybe it was not the wisest idea to tell him I wanted the break via email...) or he's playing dumb. If it's the former, well, I guess I'm the idiot for thinking that that was the way to handle this knowing he doesn't just sit around waiting for my emails and if it's the latter...well I'm just going to be royally pissed about the fact that he has not called me in over a week.
I guess if he truly hasn't gotten around to reading the email, well, hopefully he'll get around to it when he doesn't hear back from me this week. And then we'll see if he calls again or does indeed wait until after the fair is over.
Grrrr.
I've been doing really well at displaying self-control in the moments I have a strong urge to call him. I do miss him. Miss knowing he's there in my life, even if lately he's not really been there as much as he used to be.
Sigh. I've yet to know what I want going forward. I guess I'll just have to keep doing the wait and see thing won't I? See what he has to say and how I feel next week.
♂ ♀ ☿ ❤ ❥ ❦ ❧
Another weekend draws to a close. Kept it a pretty mellow weekend. Just caught up on all sorts of TV shows ...Top Chef, MasterChef, Drop Dead Diva, Covert Affairs, White Collar, Royal Pains...and now back to work tomorrow. Yay. Not. But it does keep me from being bored doesn't it?
Nighty night.
So either he's not gotten around to reading the email (which wouldn't necessarily surprise me...I usually have to tell him that I've sent him an email...so maybe it was not the wisest idea to tell him I wanted the break via email...) or he's playing dumb. If it's the former, well, I guess I'm the idiot for thinking that that was the way to handle this knowing he doesn't just sit around waiting for my emails and if it's the latter...well I'm just going to be royally pissed about the fact that he has not called me in over a week.
I guess if he truly hasn't gotten around to reading the email, well, hopefully he'll get around to it when he doesn't hear back from me this week. And then we'll see if he calls again or does indeed wait until after the fair is over.
Grrrr.
I've been doing really well at displaying self-control in the moments I have a strong urge to call him. I do miss him. Miss knowing he's there in my life, even if lately he's not really been there as much as he used to be.
Sigh. I've yet to know what I want going forward. I guess I'll just have to keep doing the wait and see thing won't I? See what he has to say and how I feel next week.
♂ ♀ ☿ ❤ ❥ ❦ ❧
Another weekend draws to a close. Kept it a pretty mellow weekend. Just caught up on all sorts of TV shows ...Top Chef, MasterChef, Drop Dead Diva, Covert Affairs, White Collar, Royal Pains...and now back to work tomorrow. Yay. Not. But it does keep me from being bored doesn't it?
Nighty night.
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She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!