It's almost been a week

Since I talked to B and I'm actually doing OK. I think. I might just be suppressing emotions or something ...in order not to send myself down some depressed hole.

Or maybe it's just that I've had a lot going on -enough to keep me distracted. Last Thursday Ryan took me out for a burger and some great conversation. Then there was work Friday. Saturday night saw me at the party Irma was throwing for Matt. Nice party. Nice people.

Sunday more work and then a nice long chat via the phone with Diane. She was kind enough to let me beg off of a breakfast meet we had scheduled for Monday morning (I loathe getting any up earlier than I have to and will only do it if absolutely, positively necessary. I've really gotten spoiled working the hours I do and living the life I have...hey, you know what? That's a good thing!)

Monday, last night...more work and then after getting off early, hanging out and talking with Michelle -a co-worker has turned into my closest co-worker/friend. It's wild that we've connected as well as we have considering she's married and has 3 kids. I really had convinced myself that I wouldn't have anything in common with those-who-have-the-complete-opposite-life-than-mine but it's work that created a bond that has grown. I think it's great for both of us to have this additional adult female friend we've found in each other.

And now tonight...Tuesday, my Friday...woo hoo!

I've now got 2 days of freedom ahead of me. I hope I'll be able to keep myself...distracted enough that I don't obsess over what will happen next with him. Another week of thinking about him a million times. Another week of trying to decide what I want, don't want and/or can live with or refuse to live with anymore.

Oh let's go back to something work related...today, August 31st was the last day of qualifying activity that will determine who is going to be on the final "Summit/Pinnacle" list ...you know, the one that ROCKS because if you are on it, you get an all-expense week trip at a fabulous destination (this year, Atlantis in the Bahamas.) I had some pretty decent sales this month along with the other things, I may actually have a shot again. It didn't look good as of July 10th. I was number 11...and it's only the top 10 but my manager thinks it will all play out differently than everyone thinks. There were all sorts of criteria besides sales that they're using to determine who goes. I did OK on most of them too so who knows. Now it's just a matter of "wait and see". Oh sure I want it to have made it...BAD. But if I didn't, well, oh well. I can always try again next year. (If I stick it out for another year..who knows..I might actually follow up on my interest in finding some job I like in the food industry that doesn't involve cooking or serving! :P )

So where was I? Oh yeah, the 1st week of the "break".

I'm trying to get a feel of life without him ...then again, we could always just try being only friends who keep in touch via the occasional phone call and not see each other (our chemistry is still quite powerful even after all of these years) but again, I'll just have to wait and see what he has to say next week and see how I feel about it all then.

OK...enough for tonight. Time to pee and then think about settling down and getting some much desired sleep (and oh how I'm going to enjoy sleeping my ass off tomorrow...I've been staying up way too late this week goofing around on the computer...)

Onward. Just...onward.

The Break

After the disappointing birthday, weeks of only the briefest, shallow conversations, a couple of quick hook-ups and being stood up repeatedly...I've reached my limit. Last night after he finally got around to calling me and confirming that we weren't getting together that night (and it wasn't the first time he couldn't get around to telling me earlier in the day that we weren't getting together), I told him just to call me after the fair. (It's State Fair time and he LOVES LOVES LOVES the fair.) And then I wrote him an email saying I think we should take a break. I think it's for the best. Who knows what will happen afterward. Either he'll have missed me so much and he'll find a way to make some real time for me, for us or he'll just continue living his life w/out the complication of me and it will be...done. In the meantime I have my own shit to deal with.

I don't know if it's that my expectations have become just too high or that I'm being too needy. But what is a person supposed to expect out of their relationship? I am aware that I could be overreacting and being my dramatic self because I don't exactly have a whole lot else going on for me right now but I've been trying to live MY life and do things for myself. I've tried distancing myself and not getting so worked up if we don't talk everyday. But it's gone beyond that. I've repeatedly tried to tell him I don't feel connected to him. I've tried arranging it so that we have phone dates at specific times so that we can just concentrate on us and the few minutes or moments we have. I've tried to embrace the "long-distance relationship" aspect of our relationship. But IT'S NOT WORKING.

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

It's now morning, Thursday, and I'm awake before bloody 10am. I want to keep sleeping but my mind is racing with a million thoughts.

It's going to be another beautiful day and I'm wondering if I'm going to spend it, as usual, by staying up in my room, being attached to this computer.

My world has gotten very small recently. Recently I did a Google search on "Facebook Addiction". Of course I found several pages of results.

What it boiled down to was that if you spent so much time on it, to the detriment of your actually living life, well, then it was a problem.

So it appears I've got myself a tiny little Facebook problem. Heading down that road anyway. I have been telling myself that playing the FB games was a way to relieve the stress from work because I get to feel some sense of control instead of helplessness...and it is...but am now beginning to think that I've gotten my priorities a bit out of whack.

I've gotten all turned around and feel like my life is out of control. I've been making poor choice after poor choice for the past few months. (Well, not all of them were poor choices) and I'm feeling stuck and trapped, in this world I've created for myself.

It wearies me to think of all the things I could be doing to make my life better. Why can't I just be content with the status quo? Content with a man who loves me, even if he can't really be with me as much as I'd like him to be. Content with being employed when so many aren't. Content with this body which has nothing majorly wrong with it. Content with how I spend my days off, relaxing and re-charging my batteries. Content with spending little bits of time with friends (actually this last bit I AM content with. I think we're all OK with the amount of time we spend together...right?)

But nope. Something is missing and I just can't quite put my finger on it. And hey, once again, John Mayer to the rescue to speak for me (about the something missing and not knowing what it is) ...take it away John...



So am I gonna get up now? Take a shower and then do some laundry? Am I gonna go anywhere and/or do something with this beautiful day? Fuck it. I'm gonna try to go back to sleep for a bit.


☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Oh and here is a random topic...I watched episodes of MasterChef the other night and it got me thinking about my next new job. This time around, finding something in the food industry. But probably, as usual, I'll think about it and then do a little research but then do nothing after that. I'll just keep settling for this little life of mine.

P.S. It's not all bad. I've got a couple of parties coming up during the next couple of weekends that I'm looking forward to attending even if the first one is for a sad occasion because M, I's boyfriend, is moving out of state.

A kick in the pants

This Week's Horoscope
Comments (0) By Caeriel Crestin Wednesday, Aug 18 2010

Leo(July 23–Aug. 22)

I love seeing people fulfill their potential (and subsequently discovering that they can go even further), and I get disappointed when they slack off in exploring its boundaries. There's no need to be so incredibly driven and motivated that you never stop to enjoy the delicious fruits of your successes. However, passing up opportunities to evolve and expand because of sheer laziness is something I can't accept. This week, discover the balance between pure, unhurried enjoyment of life and being motivated enough to take steps to maximize your growth and potential, and therefore that enjoyment.

and...

Cancer(June 21–July 22)

Drama? You? Never! Sorry for the sarcasm, but it's time you finally came clean about your latest bit of emotional theater. Seeing yourself reflected in that unflattering mirror may be a shock, but don't let it plunge you into depression or self-destructive patterns. That would just be more drama. Shrug it off. Everyone's had those moments. Freaking out about it is exactly the opposite of outgrowing it. Breathe deep, and laugh. Learning from your mistakes with grace and (most of all) humor will be the first sign that you are unlikely to make them again.

Thank you

Thank you Aveda for my birthday gift (and it only took me 3 weeks to go get it) of a free personalized pure-fume and Sephora for the free eye kit (mascara, eyeliner and shadow) and for my free samples of perfumes and other stuff.

I love these little things. So nice since I don't have a lot of money for...non-essentials. (Someone thought I was joking when I told them I make less than $25K a year.)

Not that I need a lot of money. I've learned to live pretty well on less. I want for nothing...really.

But still, when I get gifts from others (merchants, Scotty) and tax refund money, I do like to go a little crazy.

So I'm feeling grateful today for these various gifts and realized it's been awhile since I took stock of the things I'm grateful for in my life. A roof over my head with the fabulous and the punks who love me just as much as I love them, a job, a car that runs, great friends and family, fairly good health for a person of my size and the love of a good man.

Are you tired of these yet?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): This would be an excellent time for you to get
aggressively inventive about your education. It wouldn't be too crazy, in
my opinion, to launch your own school, with you as the only student. You
could design your own course curriculum for the coming years. Decide
who your teachers will be. Think about where you can get the stuff you'll
need to expand your mind, enhance your skills, and just plain increase
your intelligence. You could call your center of higher learning the
University of Wily Exuberance or the Academy of Astonishing Grace or the
Institute of Getting Down to Business.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): For the people of Finland, the word *sisu*
describes a quality they regard as integral to their national character. It
refers to a courageous strength of will that can be sustained for a long
time -- a staunch ferocity that refuses to be defeated. We all could use
more of that good stuff, not only to weather our personal ordeals but
also to stay plucky in the face of the world's lunacy. The coming weeks
will be an especially good time for you to build up your reserves of *sisu,*
Leo. How? Start by taking inventory of all the resources and allies and
skills you have at your disposal.

freewillastrology for this week.

OMG Keane!

Wait here. I'll be right back. Gotta do something first..

OK, I'm back. Had to trim my damn fingernails. This laptop was not made for those who care to have long nails.

Anyhoo...so where was I?

Oh yeah, Keane.

Tomorrow, er, Today is August 11 and they are doing a concert at First Ave tonight and I have tickets for it and more importantly...

OMG OMG OMG I won passes to see them in a pre-concert gig at the 97 Studio C tomorrow, again, er, today in like less than 12 hours!!!! And how wild is it that out of the only couple of things I've won from a radio station, they both involve this band? I actually think I won't really believe it until I'm there and it's happening. I hope I take it all in and savor the experience moment by moment. And get a chance to take some fucking pictures! What's with me having phones WITH cameras and not using the bloody thing?

I'm fucking nervous though because of 1. The weather is abysmal....it's been fucking raining cats, dogs and ELEPHANTS and it's supposed to do that the next 3 days 2. What the hell am I going to wear? It's been too fucking hot to do laundry 3. And oh god, I hope I find the place OK with it being in St. Louis Park. Sheesh, I never go there. And I can only assume it's free parking*, at least I hope it is! That is the bonus to the suburbs...

And then there is the concert itself...at bloody First Ave? Fuck. Haven't been there in over a decade.

I don't remember my first concert there, but I remember my last...Tears for Fears, sans Curt Smith. Roland Orzabal had kept the name and they had just released Elemental.

I also remember going there with Jae and Nikki for dancing and still, to this day, two decades later, whenever I hear "How Soon Is Now" by The Smiths, it makes me think of that place because that's where I would hear The Smiths outside of my own tape deck. (Yup. I said tape deck. Cassette tape deck. Yup.) And I loved that song. I RELATED to that song.

I remember it being painted black. Dark. Sticky floors. Crowded. Windy, twisty and lots of different rooms/areas.

I actually am slightly tempted to blow it off (not that I should since the tickets weren't the cheapest) because of those reasons plus the lack of free parking.

Why oh why do they have to be playing there? Oh sure, it's great for their reputation as a cool band to have played there, but what about playing somewhere us old farts would be comfortable? :P

I'm going to have to get into a "young" frame of mind to enjoy this experience. :} I've not done anything quite like this in a long time. Wish me luck or ?

*Yup. I said that. Free Parking. I "Sam Jones" have been seduced by Free Parking. I am IN LOVE with it. Bad.

Now I'm a grown-up

Did I mention that's what my mother also said when I talked to her on my birthday last week? And for some reason I'm really giving serious thought to that and now thinking about what exactly does it mean to be a grown-up and maybe more importantly, if I WANT to be grown-up. I've done a couple of things it seems like a grown-up should do:

1. Opened up new bank accounts, including a checking account. It's been a long long time since I've had one of those. (I was a naughty girl and fucked up my last one.) And I make the vow, here, that I will not fuck one of these up again. It's going to feel nice to eliminate the specific trip to the cu to get cash and/or money orders, then go to another location and pay a fee and load up pre-paid debit card (man, what a pain in the ass that is, especially in the winter time!)

2. Decided to focus more on myself and my life (aka get one.)

3. Decided that one of these days, sooner rather than later, I'll have that eye appointment and get new glasses (I actually do want to do this so not sure why I've been dragging my feet..oh yeah, the eye exam, don't care much for that part of the whole thing)

4. Upgraded my cell phone. Can't wait to get it. A new "toy" is always fun.

5. Ordered myself a proper wallet. (Thanks Scotty and your generous gift for amazon.com)

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

Oh hey, work is sucking me in. Trying to tempt me with an all-expense paid trip to tropical destination. Apparently I'm in the running (still or again depending on when we talked about this last) on my stats from Dec-Jun. July sucked though and all that's left is August to find out who the "winners" are. I'm going to kick some ass in August sales-wise. Fuck. I'll be so pissed if I do keep working my ass off and I just miss it. I'd like to think (more calls, more opportunities for tickets/sales!) that I just have to keep doing what I've been doing and I'll be fine, but I know that's not the case. I'm going to have to really work and zip through the calls. Thank goodness I get better at knowing my shit every day.

I still haven't heard back from the orchestra. I don't think that's a good sign (or am I just being impatient? It is unusual circumstances in that I've worked for them before) but as much as I would love to get back into ticketing, am I sure that I could really, truly walk away from everything that I worked for the last 3 years. I would just have to hope that if this opportunity doesn't turn out the be right one for me, that another wonderful one will happen down the road (after I qualify for the trip!.)

You know, the thing is that I'm really good at this job (though admittedly still far from perfect in that I sometimes let my temper get the best of me when someone is not swayed by my charm and friendliness :P )

Eh. Guess I'll just have to keep "waiting and see'ing".