Louis 1993 (?) to January 21, 2010

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to write this without crying but I need to do it. I've been crying all afternoon and have the WORST FUCKING HEADACHE ever. I just downed 4 ibruprofen and hope that does the trick.

I can barely stand to be in my room...finally came up here just now. I avoided it this afternoon because everywhere I look I'm reminded of him...but I wanted my bed and my pj's and sleeping downstairs while doable, is not as comfortable.

Today was the day I finally faced up to the reality of Louis and his failing health. The clincher was that last night, he could barely walk, not to mention a big open sore on his side. Jen and P'Bau were stellar in helping me bandage it up after putting iodine on it. Then Jen offering to help me out once again with the vet. (Who am I that I can't even get my financial shit together so that I don't have to be in this position?)

Last night we cuddled in bed together and he was just so lethargic and sleepy...he slept the night through by my head even, which is..was not his normal place to sleep on the bed...preferring the bottom corner by my feet...

Anyway, I got an appt. at the vet for 3:30pm. We hung out...my reading a silly book to just keep my mind off of what might have to happen and then off we went. Did I know that it would be the last time I would be carrying him downstairs and taking him for a ride? Probably. I was partly praying he was just sick and that it wasn't a big deal but I also knew that he was in really really bad shape.

The vet, a nice woman named Cynthia Fetzer, said he probably had cancer, on top of a mass in his abdomen and something else to do with his blood. So yes, I could have spent tons of money getting him tested and treating him but I made a kinder, for him, difficult, for me choice.

I took one last picture of him on the table and Dr. Fetzer (I'm sure just trying to help me feel better) said, look, he's saying thank you in the way he was looking at me. I'm going to choose to believe that. I knew that he was more than just sick and this really was the only choice. I told him I loved him and thanked him for keeping me from being lonely.

I stayed with him while they administered the sedative...watching him relax as I just kept stroking him broke my heart all over again, then they gave him THE injection and then that was that. His heart stopped beating and he stopped his labored breathing. I am glad I stayed with him. It was one of the, if not the most, hardest things I've ever had to do.

I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of crying eyes and when I go to sleep tonight I wonder if I'll feel him on top of me...he loved to come and lay on me when I was under the covers.

He loved to be waiting for me when I got home from work and would talk to me...often times I'd beg him for a just a bit of quiet so I could unwind in peace. Oh how I'd give anything to hear some of that chatter right now.

He was affectionate and sweet and oh so smart. And so so beautiful. He was a bit of an odd duck too in that there were certain things that freaked him out e.g. my putting hand lotion on. If he was on the bed with me when I would do that, he run and jump off and go elsewhere.

He loved to run from side to side in a frantic rush...as if something was chasing him and then he'd just stop. He used to hide out whenever anybody he didn't know came over but as the years passed, he became less scared and would let new people pet him.

Oh sure, we had some challenging years there when I lived on Grand Ave. in St. Paul when we went through a phase (OK, it was a years long phase) of letting me know he was unhappy with the lack of attention by leaving me "presents" by the front door. (Another reason to be happy to then be living somewhere with wood floors!) And maybe I wasn't the most responsible mother in that I didn't take him to the vet for regular check-ups but I loved him best I could.

How am I gonna stand his not being here? I really truly feel like I lost my best friend. The one thing in this world that saved me from being truly alone, on my own.

I know he's in a much better place now and that is a comfort. No more pain. No more hanging around just to hang around for his human who was too stubborn to let him go. But fucking A. Why does it have to hurt so much?

Rest in peace Louis, rest in peace. You will be missed.

And already the month of January is half-way over

Cor, I'm tired.

Been staying up too late lately (gee, what else is new) and I've had the intention to go to bed earlier so that I can start getting used to going to bed earlier, which I'll need to be doing once we start our new shifts...not that I know what I'm gonna get yet but it certainly won't be with a 2pm start time!

I was brave (or crazy) and wrote a note to the big cheese in reservations and asked for some insight into why the lack of 2nd shifts this time around ..that it was yet another change and we've already been through so much change in our office...then we had a chat about it and we'll just have to see how things go.

Hmm. it's been a good week. Had a great weekend last weekend (and thrilled the next one is just a day away) in that I had a date with B on Thursday -our first of this year! and then on Friday was hanging with Ryan. We watched "Something Something Something Dark Side" ("Family Guy") and "The Brothers Bloom". Both were good. Enjoying pizza and ice cream and just having a mellow evening.

Louis is hanging in there...not eating so much and it's getting harder for him to jump up and down off the bed, even with the box he uses for a step...but other than that...he's still drinking water and using his litter box...so I'm clinging to the thought that maybe he will just slowly wind down and one day and if he decides to leave this earth, that he just goes to sleep and doesn't wake up. I don't want him in pain or suffering for my own selfish reason of not being able to let him go but I can't let him go.

He's sitting here beside me now, just purring away from my petting him. He seems content. I just don't think it's his time quite yet...

I'm sure there must be more exciting things to write about but frankly I haven't got the energy or motivation. Maybe it will be an early night after all, for real.

Until next time.

Faith...or insanity?

Or Faith, Hope and Insanity?

Louis ate some food again today after not eating for 2 days! I've got such hopes that he keeps eating and we don't need to go back to the vet again ...(right now, have an 8am appt. on Friday. 8am? What the hell was I thinking????)

I just want him to go back to eating normally...even if it means cleaning out the cat box more frequently!

And despite how I might have made it sound, I enjoyed my little Amsterdam adventure. I really did. I needed to be in a strange land, alone, having to use all of my mental and physical capabilities to survive. And I did it. Whew!

Man, it's been week (or so). A co-worker has agreed to work my shift on Wednesday...thank goodness. I'm trying to fight off a cold (I've actually had a lot of better luck this time around thanks I'm sure mostly to Jen's "Emergen C"...another reason why I've got the most kick-ass awesome person as a roommate/landlord...her helping me out with the last vet visit will forever have me in her debt and I'm not just talking the money kind) Anyhoo...shall I save tidying up my room for Wednesday? Yeah, maybe. If I can stand the mess for another day.

Though speaking of work...we're bidding for shifts again in a week or so and boy are things a'changin'. I'll be lucky if I get a shift that DOESN'T start in the a.m.! Like before noon! What the hell am I gonna do if I get an a.m. shift? I love my 2nd shift! I can't have the ones that do start later because the days off are S/S, which you'd think would thrill me, but a certain someone is unavailable on S/S. I have no clue what shifts I will end up with. I'm sure it's just another sign I need to find a new job! (But first I better get more traveling in because I've gotta get more out of this job that I have been...thank goodness I had a recent travel adventure...I can suffer this job a little bit longer....but who am I to complain? I'm working!) I just have to wait and see and hope whatever I end up with isn't too terrible. I did better than I thought this past time around but with some newer agents coming back into Res, who get their previous Res seniority, I might not be so lucky this time around. Oh well.

*******

You know, a few years ago I worked with a woman who used to say "fantastic" all the time (and with emphasis I might add) and so I picked up the habit of saying that all the time myself too ..for awhile there anyway. But now, I've decided that my new favorite word is "awesome". I love that word. I love using that word.

So even though Louis can't make up his mind about eating, it's fucking winter out there, I'm shit with money, I never call my family (or friends) enough, I'm having a hard time getting my rx for generic Wellbutrin filled w/my new health insurance...life is pretty fucking awesome because I just know so many fantastic, strong, awesome people.

Frick, I'm tired. Just gave Louis some more medicine. But not eating again so far. I should probably just be happy he ate earlier today and not worry so much. Either way, we'll just see what's left on the plate when I get up "tomorrow".

Ah. Onward, slowwwwwwwwly.

Amsterdam (During and After)

(Note: On the day I was supposed to leave for Madrid, I woke up to a text that told me there wouldn't be a place to for me stay...1st discouraging sign, and then there was a phone call where I was told that there weren't any hotels nearby where O was living, 2nd discouraging sign...but then that was followed up by another phone call where I was assured that I would have a place to stay because it was requested that someone stay at their girlfriends for the duration of my visit...but that was also combined with reminding me how much walking there would be, just getting out of the airport and to the train to our destination, and that there wouldn't probably be a wedding on Saturday AND with Louis not eating again....it all felt like signs that I shouldn't go to after all. I had already had reservations about leaving him for so long AND all the walking I would have to do with just dealing with airports and being in a strange place but I was psyching myself for it.

But number one priority turned into making sure Louis was OK. The trip to the vet was in order and I luckily got an appt. before the office was going to close at 3pm. I knew that if indeed it was age and nothing wrong with my baby, then I would be free to go off and have an adventure after all...but I had canceled my flights to MAD. New Year's Eve and no plans and only the desire to not sit home, alone, feeling sorry for myself and the urge to still go off for an adventure spurring me on, I decided to go to Amsterdam. (I had thought about it a couple of weeks prior when thinking about going to Madrid. To maybe go to AMS on my way to Madrid but it turned out it wasn't going to be as easy as I wanted with the limited amount of time I had so I nixed the idea. So there I am, NYE morning with a backpack packed and no place to go. Availability in business class was good for non-stop flight from MSP to AMS and then back a day later so boom! A new impulsive plan was made.)

*************

One of the many things I'm always going to remember about this trip is that I ran into and was guided around by very kind strangers...starting with the crew on my flight over, Maren, Doug, Susan and Richard (I would have them on my flight back too as long I got on the flight...), to the woman at the tourist board at Shipol (not the moron at information); the blonde KLM employee I met at the airport train station, who showed me how to read the train schedule and guided me to the right train on platform 2, to the woman in the convenience store who told me where to find a phone (and then sell me the card I needed to use to use the phone :P ) to the absolute stranger I called (because apparently I had the wrong number) who Googled the hotel for me because was given the wrong phone number for the hotel the crew were staying at (now occurs to me that maybe they purposely gave me a false number? Oh god, I hope not), who not only gave me not only the right phone number but the address of the hotel ...sadly this ate up most of my time on my pre-paid phone card left so ...

Back to that convenience store for another card and then somehow between going back and forth between the store and the phones I lost the damn number!

****I think it was good thing that the first thing I did when I finally got downtown, was to find a coffeeshop and prepare myself for this adventure I was embarking on. I picked up a little treat that lasted me the whole time.

It's bloody freezing here. I found a marvelous, perfect place to sit down and grab some food (see pics on FB) and finally get a chance to pee.

So much walking, I'm dying! I'm glad I'm not in Madrid and they have to see me like this. Think that this is why I also felt the need to do this...come alone to a strange place, to prove to myself that I could do it, but I can't. (I did mention that part of what discouraged me from going to Madrid was they kept emphasizing how much walking there would be and that they were concerned about that...it's not the first time friends have specifically mentioned "a lot of walking"...but I'm not an idiot. I just need people to be patient with me if I'm going to give this stuff a try!!)

When I was back at the phones, frantically looking for the piece of paper with the correct hotel info on it...some old guy was being overly friendly and I was proud of myself for telling him to stop touching me (arm, shoulder....ewwwww) he was just trying to be friendly but I was having none of it because I had just realized I lost the number to the hotel.

It turns out losing the number wasn't the worst thing to happen, it worked out just fine.

Damn, I have to go the bathroom and I don't think I want to visit it in this place (the internet place, if they even have bathrooms for public use). Fuck. gotta deal with that.

There are a lot of people here for it being winter...or is it just because it's New Years Day? And speaking of that...is it because of New Years Eve last night that downtown is a litter strewn place? I am now appreciating swept streets...but you know there are parts of here that remind me of Taunton, England. I think it's because of the old buildings. (I found out later that it WAS because of the celebrations the night before that was the cause of the excess amounts of litter)

****(On the ride out the airport, I said to the cab driver that I was reminded of Taunton in the city, London in the areas outside the city, and as we got closer to the airport, of Minnesota because of the open spaces and farmland)

Anyhoo, damn I've got 33 minutes of internet time left, but my fingers are freezing. They apparently aren't heating this place. It's probably a ploy to get people to abandon their minutes before they're up. You know what? I'm gonna try typing in gloves! I've got two pair on, surely I can type and be warm in just one of them.

I should spend a few minutes checking the flight loads for tomorrow.

So am I going to attempt to get to their hotel (I've got the name and the general location of it) or should I try to make my way back the airport and spend the night there...?

OK I have homework to do before my time is up.

More to follow later....I think...

***It was terrifying at first and I was so tempted to give up when I initially got there...the airport was huge and I was clueless as how to proceed. I knew what I wanted to achieve was to get into the city and hit the coffeshops and maybe find a place to crash but that was about it. But it was oh so tempting to just either find out where my flight would depart from the next day and spend the night at the airport or just find the hotel where the crew would be staying and hunker down with them for the night (it turns out they had their own NYE celebration and I would have been welcome to join them..how awesome is that?) but I knew I hadn't endured the long, sleepless night before and flight just to tuck my tail between my legs and hide out...my only adventure being that I decided to take this flight over NYE and then go back. I knew had to partake of things that Amsterdam had to offer or I would feel like I really hadn't had the right adventure.

I told myself a couple of times during the day that I didn't think I would go back...it was too much but now that I've done it, I would sooooo go back again. Just having some experience now would be a major help and I'm sure it would be even more of a wild adventure.

So I found my coffeeshop, "Hunters", made my purchase, indulged, walked around, found the phones, lost the number, walked around some more, found a cool place to sit, eat and pee "Le Pot Au Feu", where I ordered a continental breakfast (chose over the "english breakfast" why? who knows) which was bread, cheese, ham, jam, etc. (and to my credit, had to haul my butt up very steep stairs to get to the bathroom...good for me! I had to go that bad!) then to figure out what next. I had decided to try and find this particular hotel where I could call for a taxi (I'd get a nice taxi from them per the woman at the cafe) and was just going to just go the hotel where the crew was and hope that they had a room at a reasonable rate for me, when on my way I stumbled across a Crowne Plaza Hotel. I went in to see if I could use the restroom (yup, had to use the facilities again! B would laugh at that...me and my always having to go to the bathroom at the worst of times) ..just for fun I decided to ask if they had any rooms available and for how much. $179 Euros. Eeegads! While I was in the "toilet", I added up what I had left on my debit card and in "cash" and thought that if they could take both, that I would just go ahead and do it.

So it was set up and I got a room there. I was paying for the room and pre-paying for "incidentals" (room service, phone calls, etc.) ...and the room was...splendid, wonderful, marvelous, perfect. (Only because I was in a certain frame of mind AND exhausted?...Nope! It was just truly wonderful.). I had a balcony to go smoke on. A shower with a detachable shower head. A big soft bed. A TV. A mini-bar. Room Service. Complimentary slippers and a robe. A phone that I could use to make long distance calls on (OK, so the robe didn't work for me but the slippers did...and yes, I took them with me!!!)

I was mindful of the amount I had prepaid for my "incidentals" and decided to use most of the incidental money on room service for dinner and the communications package (for the TV to get internet, movies, TV and radio)...but later was screwed on this...but more about that in a bit...anyhoo...dinner was more ham and cheese (but this time toasted/melted) and baked french fries! Then a shower, then an attempt to watch "Angels and Demons", but then I needed to crash. Was too tired to even think about going back out. I slept for about 4 hours or so, then up at 3am. Couldn't go back to sleep so watched "Terminator Salvation" and then gave "Angels and Demons" another go. Then time to start getting ready to pack up and make my way back to the airport. I might have wanted to do more walking around but when I stepped out on to the balcony after my shower and getting dressed for a final smoke on it, it was snowing a little bit so I just wanted to get my butt to the airport and be there. Not take any chances on missing my flight back home (as long as I got a flight...the worry about even getting on the flight of course stressing me out a bit.)

So I head down to check out and then it was a nightmare. Apparently there were charges I weren't aware of and I owed more money! This freaked me out because I didn't have any more cash on me other than a 5 euro note and 6 US dollars. My plan had been to just hit up an ATM on my way back to the train station...back and forth we went on the bill and finally I got it but I was pissed and frustrated and ready to cry. I had this wonderful hotel experience that was turning into a nightmare.

I finally told them that I'd have to head to the ATM and that I'd come back. But guess what? Yup, I didn't go back. I just finally found the ATM and it was right across from the train station and I just had my last cigarette and hopped a taxi to the airport. A nice 60 euros ride (with tip!) the driver was nice though and we made a wee detour so I could get a picture of a windmill. (Actually this probably cost me the extra euros. The ride should have been less than 50 euros. Oh well) I was glad I had my phone with me because that's how I took my pictures. (The camera was left in the bigger backpack I was going to take to Madrid.) I think the hotel will get what they need eventually from my debit card or at least I hope they do. If not, I will send them some money because when I go back, I'm going to want that room again!

Finally finding the right area for my departure. Finally finding some food with the little bit of money I had left and 3 postcards for my collection. No souvenirs for anyone else, no one. I feel terribly selfish that I didn't budget better to have enough to pick up stuff for anyone else. Next time I'll plan better.

Yes, there will be a next time. In spite of the missteps and things that didn't go smoothly, I can't wait for a next time. Everyone speaking English and the helpfulness of strangers and easy access to....treats. Oh yeah!

The flight was more full coming back so I was only able to tell the crew only bits and pieces about my adventure (they told me they wanted to hear about it on the flight there) and the flight was shorter than getting there and then just like that, it was over and we were back in MSP. (Of course, I slept this time around!)

----

Home now. Back to real life. I slept half of today away. Thank god Kenrie took my shift today. Hello jet lag! I've got about $40 left until next payday after I pay rent. I can make it work. I mostly need gas and smokes.

Well. OK, so there it is. Now to head over to FB and get pictures posted. But maybe food first....

ttfn.

Right on!

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Sometimes it feels as if your internal shine is so radiant that you can't help but attract people to you. However, remember that most of that glow is what's reflected back at you by the people you surround yourself with. The adoration of a handful of friends is a lot more flattering than standing alone in a spotlight. The spotlight is trash and should never be courted. Your friends, however, are gold—and no effort should be too great to let them know how much you love them. Their affection will make you happier than a spotlight ever could—and glow brighter, too, though that's hardly the point.

A nice horoscope to end 2009 with 'eh? From Seattle Weekly.

----

So in like 12 hours I'll be at the airport getting ready to head to NY, then off to Madrid. This is crazy I tell you, just crazy. Especially since only just decided to really do it, make it happen like 3 days ago.

I'm pretty much packed, just have to add a few more clothes that are in the dryer right now, add some more music to the ipod and ....

oh yeah, finish the latest "Dexter" novel so I can return it on my way out of town (it's already overdue...whoopsie!)

I think Louis knows something is up because he showered my comforter and top sheet with "love" of the bad kind. Bad kitty. He only does stuff like that when he's upset with me...yeah, he's old and not eating so much but he's still been making it to his litter box. (Yes, freshly cleaned...) ...oh well. What can I do? Nothing. Just more laundry.

Actually, now I have to pee myself so I will just close this here. I would be tempted to bring the laptop with me, but I'm only going to be gone a few days and I really don't want to have to lug it around....

Anyhoo, wish me luck with my flights and that I actually get home on Monday.

End with a BANG!

I'm so pooped I barely have enough energy to write but write I will. So much going on the past week or so...hmm, let's see...the last time I posted was the 22nd, which was about a week ago I guess...

Work was INSANE over last weekend due to all of the snowstorms and blizzards across the country. It was even so bad for us here that they offered hotel rooms near work last Wednesday for those who had to work Thursday. I don't normally work Thursdays but since picked up a co-workers shift, I went ahead and took them up on it. (Let me tell you though that I was going a bit stir crazy without my beloved laptop!) So between my sleepover at B's on Tuesday night and the hotel on Wednesday night I wasn't home for a couple of days. Thank goodness Jen the Fabulous was here to check up on my baby.

Friday, Christmas, had me taking Shanna to the airport and then over to spend the day with the family. Not the most perfect day (mother opened the visit up with telling me that she was upset because I never call or visit and she misses me! Thankfully we got through that and had some nice mother/daughter time later) but it was good to be with family. We watched the new "Star Trek" movie and then ended up watching "Last Chance Harvey". Apparently my parents are fans of that movie too.

Then home to treats galore courtesy of Jen the Fabulous. Not to mention the most awesome (and only :P) Christmas present...a scented candle in a really cool earthenware thingamabob (dish? bowl?) that I'll be able to reuse should I ever bring myself to burn this candle...and yummy chocolate/coconut/marshmallow treats.

Not getting a day off to stay in my pjs though has been an adjustment. I've forgotten what it's like to just go go go. I've managed to have at least a little bit of that the past couple of months and not having that time just makes we want and appreciate it all the more.

Then of course more work, bad weather and incidents involving NWA flights. Hoo boy! Then another sleepover w/B that didn't go as well as the first one. Apparently I needed to wake him up ask him about the snow plow I heard and ask if my car would be safe, then later to tell him his stomach was growling! Poor guy was grumpy in the a.m. and it was interesting to see him that way. I went back over there last night to hang out for a bit and we chatted about that. He's got a point that I've never seen him grumpy before yesterday. Why I got so bent out of shape that he was grumpy...I guess I just wanted him to have been so happy to have the extra time with me, the pleasure of my company for more than a few hours that it would be worth any ...inconvenience. But let's face it. We live in the real world and neither of us are young. We're not old but we're not in our 20's!

It's always interesting to see how the realities of situations live up to my expectations.

So then the huge decision today that if my time off requests get approved, then I AM going to go to Madrid! Hell, even if they don't get approved, I'll beg some co-workers to cover my shifts and go! I need to do this. I need an adventure, even if it's to a destination I never planned on going to otherwise (have so many others on the list first) and really can't totally afford.

So I'm pooped. Have a lot to do in a couple of days...laundry, clean the cat box, get more canned food for Louis (he eats!), figure out what to pack for the few days I'll be gone, get Jen important phone numbers, tell my bank about being overseas, get cash, get shifts covered, get my stats up the minimum for the month (in like 1 day!), return an overdue library book (the latest novel about our friendly serial killer "Dexter"), send off cards overseas, get a b-day card for Tanya and send that off as well...and on and on and on.

But you know what? It's around 2a.m. and I'm going to really go to bed soon. I mean it. Really. I know you don't believe me but I am. I swear it.

Just have to pee and ....?

ttfn.

Doh!

I'm never going to be anyone other than who I am and live a life different than what mine is.

That's not a bad thing at all. I'm finally starting to understand.

See, I'm not sure exactly how I thought my life was supposed to be but I never thought it was going to be...this one I've got. So I think that maybe I've not been paying the most attention to the everyday details and definitely not enough to my family and friends.

So the upcoming new year is on the brain and I'm starting to think about the year ahead. I do love the idea of a "fresh" new year...it's like a fresh start. We get to hit the "reset" button (...now why don't we do this just whenever?) And things that are reset are things that can be on ongoing thing. No need to freak out when fail or fall short...um, hell, I hope I'm making sense.

It's been a long few days and more to come this week. I agreed to work for a co-worker on the 24th. (Co-workers who are begging for the 25th are out of luck from me...I need a day off! (You know how cranky I get when I work too many days in a row!) )

But it's not an entirely without joy week for me. A certain someone (and a half) is going out of town and there will be sleepover(s). Yay!

Moving on...then Friday I take Shanna to the airport. I'm waffling big time on whether to go or not. With all the of storms we had this past weekend and people not being able to travel when they were scheduled for, it has me thinking do I really want to gamble with not being able to get back to work myself when I'm supposed to. Maybe I just leave my fate up to the gods and see what happens. The only thing is that I might have left it too late to get my confirmed flights in and out of NY. Ben was stuck there again! . Silly boy but a gambler! I admire his balls. Going to NY this time of year!

Man, can't believe Christmas is this week. I want to pick up a couple of things for a couple of people but am being lazy. Maybe that's the real reason I don't really celebrate. What a hassle when it's cold out to have to go and buy stuff for people. Then again, that's another excuse. I'm fairly savvy at the online shopping thing.

Had a good weekend last weekend. Picked up Shanna from work Thursday night and we chilled out at her place for a bit which was fun (she's got a wonderfully comfortable couch...I miss having a big, soft, comfy couch to hang out on!) and then Friday was hanging out with a couple of special people. Bless them both for being willing to hang out with me and each other at the same time. ('Nuff said about THAT) and we watched some good flicks. "Four Christmases" and "Julie and Julia" (or is it "Julia and Julie"?) Then we played some "Little Big Planet" which is a blast (especially when you are playing with people who let you tell them to stop being mean and give you positive feedback! Uh, guess I should work accepting constructive criticism a wee bit more) (have you played it? It's so cool!) and there was lots of yummy food. Bill's chinese food really is the best in town.

So Louis is hanging in there. Not throwing up as much, still eating, though still not as much as he used to, still drinking water and doing his business in the cat box. He is still affectionate and able to jump up and down off the bed so I'm not worrying about him as much right now. But yeah, he's an old man. Scotty was remembering around the same year as me as to what year he was born. So [our] boy is around 16/17 years old.

Is it awful that when that horrible, fucking horrible day comes that I hope it's like he just goes to sleep and doesn't wake up? No pain. Just peace. Fuck. Gotta change the topic now because just thinking about this is too much right now.

Ahem. OK.

Well, not really much else to say right now. Just keep on keepin' on for this chick.

(You know I really wanted my mom to be reading this...my mom the writer (amongst other things) but I think I swear too much so I hope she isn't!)