Facebook friends can be pretty awesome (too.) I had more to say about this but have lost my train of thought, so will just leave it at that.

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Was telling the roommate tonight about how I liked some silver tinsel she had draped in the dining room and that it reminded me of when we did celebrate Christmas when I was a child. There was tinsel and a real tree and mom making candles out of our used crayons and of course presents....

Good memories those. I really missed it something fierce the first year we didn't celebrate. (Stop me if you've think you've heard this [one] before) and if I remember correctly, I was a total brat.

But it was that we never had a lot of money and Christmas was about getting presents...stuff. As I got a little bit older, too old for toys, it was still cool because it was still new stuff...even if it was only new clothes.

I didn't really think about what it was supposed to be symbolizing. It was just about the presents. And the extra yummy food. And getting together with all of my aunts, uncles, cousins and the grandparents who were both still alive at that point. Eating Lefse, swedish meatballs, turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, pie...oh so much yummy pie. (Pausing a moment to go and get a snack now. Just kidding. Will do that after I'm done with this post. :P )

Little did I know the adults were all smoking, drinking and drugging (pot, prescriptions, etc.) their sorrows away and that terrible things were locked up into closets that my mother would finally bust the lock on when I was in my early 20's. Oooh the scandals and evils!

But the years passed and forgiveness soothed some souls but things were never the same again. A few years after my grandma died, grandpa re-married (nice lady, who also preceded him in death, how sad is that?) and there was a small reunion of sorts at the wedding and reception. Then, a year or so after that, we all got together for a family reunion that brought my aunt Mindy down from up near Alaska in Canada ...then it took the death of my uncle Herman, a few years ago, to bring the family back together again. Then the death of my uncle Philip. And then the death of grandpa was what brought Mindy down again. And it'll take the death of the other siblings to bring the rest of the family together again. There was just no going back to the way things were for everyone.

So I'm just choosing to think fondly upon the family get togethers that I saw through my young and mostly innocent eyes.

So back to where I was before I went off on that tangent...parent's got into the religion and we stopped celebrating Christmas and that was a big deal because it meant no more of those get togethers (they kept going on without us of course for another few years, until my grandma died) and no more presents...

You know what? I think I've just decided to forgive myself for being a brat and angry about the discontinuation of our celebrating it.

I hated being poor and having to buy clothes from thrift stores. (Little did I know that one day, when I was grown up, that some of my current favorite clothes would come from a consignment shop!) and I hated never having enough stuff like my friends did. (Then again I always coveted my friends possessions starting around age 6 or so...story for another day perhaps?) and then when I was old enough to start earning my own money, I was really great at spending every dime I earned almost as fast as I earned it (gee, THAT actually has changed has it?) ...I needed stuff! I could pay for it, so I bought it (whatever it was)

Well...ahem...moving on. So when I left the religion for good, only about 17 years ago or so, I made a new world for myself, made a new family and yet, celebrating Christmas again never seemed that important.

I admit I also never a made a big deal out of it because I was either too poor (or too cheap?) to be able to buy presents for everyone I'd want to buy presents for.

But I've participated in Secret Santa exchanges and got a thrill out of that...so whats my deal?

In reflecting on all of this, it actually occurred to me that I am still given gifts all the time from my family, friends, B and the universe.

I've got a roof over my head that actually feels like my home, a job, a car that runs, great friends, food in the cupboard and I'll say it again, so much love in my life.

So should I really celebrate Christmas? Well, if I decided to make a big deal about it, I still wouldn't be doing it for the reason you're supposed to be doing it for. Christ was not born December 25th (this has been supported by the world NOT inhabited by Jehovah's Witnesses, thank you world) ...I would be doing it for all of the non-religious reasons...but then again, the things that I associate with Christmas also include the watching of the Charlie Brown special (actually did I mention that I watched this again recently...and saw it differently than I did as a kid...another case of child vs. adult view...e.g. those kids could be mean...and they were all such little adults...and...and...and...); Frosty the Snowman; Rudolph, etc. I don't know that I would get a real tree though...I'm quite content with my Farmville tree...

I would enjoy the cookies and other yummy treats. And yes, I would enjoy actually giving real gifts to people. (Seriously, people, what would you want????)

<- <-

Well, um, maybe this year, they're just gonna get my love because I've got to hang onto some cash in case I can get to Madrid. Actually the flights over look OK right now...it's the ones back home that worry me. But I'll see if I can't get a couple of days off around that time, to have a safety zone. (And as long as the car keeps running and the cat keeps on livin'...)

Eeek. It's 4am already and even though it's "Friday", I should think about winding it all down. Right? Right.

nighty night.

Feeling helpless part II

Oh what a crazy few days its been.

Having to deal with the cold/snow, cars that won't start (but thankfully did) and an aging cat that is losing weight and not eating a whole lot AND trying to decide if I should do the crazy thing and go to Madrid after all when I don't have a whole lot of money to spend has worn me out. I am also dealing with some leg pain but I'm hoping that it's just temporary...

But what can I do but just keep trying to make the best of bad situations? I just gotta keep taking life one moment at a time and hope that the decisions I make will be the right ones.

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Oh, this is funny though...

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

I love that. I have seen that sentiment before but had forgotten about it until I was reminded via an email from Kim. I thought here would be a good place to have for me to look at whenever I wanted.

ttfn

Feeling helpless

Because of course its always about me.

Some people in my life, multiple people, are going through some tough times right now. And there is nothing I can do to help any of them.

Yeah, I know there is listening and being supportive but it just doesn't feel like enough. I suppose that is vain and/or arrogant of me to think that I could solve any of their problems and ease their pain and sorrow isn't it.

I just want to not see them unhappy. Not that one should be happy all the time but life is hard enough and we all need each other.

I know we learn to appreciate the good because of the bad and we learn things about ourselves and become stronger by surviving lifes ups and downs but sometimes enough is enough.

We all fuck up. We all have our insecurities. We all are just trying to do our best to not hurt the ones we love. We all deserve to be loved, trusted and respected.

I know I am so lucky right now with my life. I am not quite sure how I got here but I do know I didn't do it alone. There is a cast of amazing people around me and I'm so grateful for their friendship and love. I hope they know how much I care.

B tonight -without knowing about any of the troubles amongst my friends -said to me that I should be there for my friends and be showing them my love and support. How did he know? (He has said - in all seriousness -that he's a little bit psychic...I believe him...e.g. he told me years ago that he saw me in a "sporty" red car and one night last year he went to Home Depot near my work -during a time we NEVER got PTO -because he just had a feeling I might be getting off work earlier than usual and would be able to meet up...OK, OK, I know those things don't necessarily mean he is psychic but c'mon, you gotta say that the guy is intuitive right?) Anyhoo...he made a good point.

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Tomorrow is my Sunday :( then back to the grind. Gonna hang with a buddy and just relax. After I drag my butt outta bed and do a load of laundry and tidy up my room a bit.

Well, OK, bye for now.

Whew.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I bet your relationship life will be a source of revolutionary teachings in 2010. Adventures in intimacy and partnership will draw you into some highly educational fun and games. You will be invited to dramatically expand your understanding of the nature of commitment. You will also be asked to dig deeper to discover your real desires, which up until now have been partially camouflaged by more superficial longings that were grafted onto you during the darker days of adolescence. How should you prepare for the interesting tests of the next 12 months? How can you get yourself in shape to earn the demanding gifts that will be within reach? Now is an excellent time to start thinking about those questions.

(freewillastrology/City Pages for this week)
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Thankful I survive the drive home tonight (first significant snowfall of the season)...why do I live in this state? Oh yeah, 'cause the other 9 months of the year are OK and all those I love are here.

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Random grumbling - Duvet covers are a pain in the ass.

Things I'm grateful for right this minute

*that once again the dryer did NOT eat any of my socks

*my car is still running despite it leaking some kind of fluids (yeah, yeah, it's on the list of things to be taken care of...soon)

*an awesome roommate

*my old, cranky, kitty is still kickin' it

*my family and friends

*my facebook fellow farmvillers, cafe worlder's and yovillers

*a roof over my head, food in my belly and love in my life

Woo hoo

Had an AMAZING night w/B last night. Went out to Mystic Lake Casino and met a friend of his. The casino part wasn't the amazing part. It was quiet, smoky and just surreal (I don't go to casinos) and there was no gambling by any of us whatsoever. It was her birthday and we just had dinner. (Her husband was out of town and she was treating herself to a night out, going to play/gamble after we left) It was being with him, meeting a friend of his and then being with him until 1am that was awesome. I think it's important to like who you love and like spending time with them and I'm lucky that that is the case w/him. Er, you know what I mean right?

Now today, it's not even noon yet and I'm awake. Tired and wanting to go to back to sleep but not sure I can.

At some point I do have to get up and run some errands (payday! payday! payday!) but then the rest of the day is MINE. As much as I adore my friends, last week I had stuff going on both of my "days off" so this time around, one of my days off is totally for me.

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I decided against Amsterdam, mainly because I didn't want to deal with the hassles of getting from there to Madrid. Actually not so much as a hassle but just more than I want to deal with on this trip. Then again, if Scotty gets back to me re: the text I sent him about spending New Year's Eve in AMS, well, I will rethink it but for the time being, I'll just focus on Madrid.

I managed to deal with going to England on fairly short notice and with not a ton of money, I'm sure I can handle this too.

Now if only I could find another pair of perfect pants! Irma gave me this really great pair but they're more on the dressy side. So I went ahead and got leggings...even after getting hemmed they're a bit too long (yeah, I guess I could just get them hemmed again couldn't I? But I need another pair anyway) and not quite what I envisioned wearing with my shorter skirts and such. So then I got a capri pair of leggings and they are way too short. Then I went ahead and picked up a pair of yoga type pants, in hopes they'd be a good casual pant but they are flared and I don't know how I feel about that...but at least I have a better idea of the length of an inseam that works for me...around 22'.

Ah, so the perfect casual pant/legging hunt continues.

I did finally get a great pair of black slip-on shoes. They cost me a pretty penny but I know they're worth it.

I know this shopping has got to stop at some point but for the time being, it's kind of fun and I'm buying necessary items. As long as I keep working my full 80 hours every pay period, I'm going to take advantage of that little bit extra of money and replace the ill-fitting, worn-out, torn or just in bad shape things in my closets and drawers. Then maybe I'll get around to saving some of that money up...I know, I know, I should be doing that now but there are things I need. (Want? No, need)

Well, it's now about noon and I think I will go ahead and get up. Throw on some clothes and get the errands done now so that I can relax the rest of the day.

Crazy, impulsive, must be mad

So with Shanna probably getting married during her upcoming trip to Madrid, and I probably flying over for it, to be with her (because by gum I'm going to be there for a good friends wedding for a change! Yes, D, I'm talking about you!) I've just had the wild and crazy idea to incorporate a trip to Amsterdam into the mix. I've been saying for years that I'd like to go there and if not when I'm headed over to that part of the world, then when? The timing sucks though because of the holidays (if people can't get flights w/out using more miles or higher fares what about those of us non-rev'ing?) I just may have to go for it...but I'll have to see if it's NW or DL that would/could get me from AMS to MAD. If it's KL then how do I do that? Is it a ZED fare? I have some homework to do during my weekend don't I?

And it's finally the fucking weekend.

Work went by pretty quick for a change...I actually asked to be one of the floor support people for a new class of Reservationists (all employees who lost their job because of the merger!) for 3 nights this past week. It's fun and terrifying at the same time. Fun when you can help someone with something you actually know and not so fun when they confront you with a call you've not encountered before aka you don't know what in the hell to advise them...

Actually I think it was little nuts of Michelle (the woman who instigated my doing this) to ask me to help. What the fuck do I know? Well, I know more than I think I know and a hell of a lot more than what I knew right after training. So I guess that counts.

Anyhoo, back to this AMS idea. To do list:

1. How to get from AMS to MAD
2. Where to stay (if even? Maybe just pull a SFO?)
3. Get time off of work
4. Money. Money.

If anyone were to go with me, I don't think they'd be coming w/me to MAD. I think they could just fly back to the states...unless they wanted to stay in AMS for however long they wanted...

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Anyhoo, it just occurred to me to write a little bit about some of my favorite co-workers.

I'm chatting with one of them now, Kenrie. Her, along with Ben and a couple of others are some of my FB "game" buddies too. Actually I'm too tired to really get into it right now but trust me, they're cool. E.g. Kenrie always has painkillers, lotion and spare change when I'm just that little bit short of cash for the vending machines and Ben is the massage master extraordinaire...he knows how to work the hump at the back of my neck that holds all of my tension (and these are just a couple examples of what I'm talkin' about!) I'm just happy that I have great people to work with because they are what help me get through the day.

Ah well OK lots to do before I figure out what's going on this weekend. Later.