Sometimes there are things you can't undo.

Like telling a support desk person "I fucking quit" ...in the business world, this is not kosher (as I learned from the Cuna Mutual job because now I am remembering that this is one of the things that led to them letting me go. I had forgotten about that.:( )

Why tonight? Why did I snap? because I/we say "no" and "I'm sorry" so many, many times during the day and when I/we have an opportunity to fix something and have a satisfied customer ...when I/we CAN solve a problem, well, when it doesn't go my way, I get cranky.

OK, cranky is an understatement. I have a temper and I really should do something about finding healthier ways to express it.

Today was just one long, terrible call after another. Just shit calls. some nice people but shit calls.

I'd love to beg off going to the parent's house tomorrow now that I've picked up 4 hours for a co-worker who was whining about having to work on thanksgiving, but I won't. I'll be a good girl and go. then I can see how they really are, how mom really is.

Another bit of "OMG is this woman just frickin' reading my mind or what???"

I was finally catching up some of the other blogs I read and came across this awesome paragraph from Beth.

"The thing is, as I bopped about a new town and found my way along unknown streets and hunted for places I'd read about - I liked my life, at that moment. A lot. I liked that me, who can find her way in a place where I know no one, nothing. Nothing but unknowns around every corner. Where my only mission is to see things - find this bus, know which street is next...and it will take you to a certain place...An adventure with only my wits to guide me. I felt very familiar to myself, and dear. It's been so long since I've been that. And I came back and I didn't want to stop being that person who could honestly say to herself, every minute: I can do this. I'm certain I can do this. Not a doubt in my mind."

See, she went to San Fransisco and that was just a little bit of what she had to say about that...(so far...I am working my way through her posts chronologically...)

And the thing is, is that I took myself to San Fran a couple of years ago for a night. I was motivated by the fact that an author I admire was going to be speaking at a bookstore in Berkeley about a book that she wrote/put together that included something from yours truly.

Yup. Moi'. The book is called "The To-Do List. From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us" by Sasha Cagen.

(I'll get into the whole thing about how my contributing to this book came to be some other time)

Suffice it to say that at that particular time in my life, I felt like having an adventure, a travel adventure, where I took myself out of my little world and saw more than my own backyard. My trip to San Fran was definitely one of the most challenging trips I've taken by myself. I prepared well and yet still was overwhelmed (but in a good way!) for the reality of having to find my way around the city and the various districts. I took the BART (the subway), the MUNI (the streetcars, light rail and cable cars) and buses around all through the night and into the next day. I had to find my way from one destination to the other with only my notes and some maps to help. I managed to get myself from the airport all the way into the city and out to Berkeley, then back to the city and then onward to several areas of the city including the Richmond District, the Castro District and Haight District.

It is terrifying to be in a strange city and having only yourself (and the kindness of strangers who will point you to the right corner to stand on to catch the bus/trolley/cable car) to rely upon. But I did it! I got myself to most of the places I wanted to go and it felt amazing to know I could take care of myself in a new environment.

I'm way overdue for this kind of experience again. I guess I'll have to start thinking about where next to go on another solo adventure. (Solo is best. You only have yourself to worry about or get mad at if you get off track or get a little bit lost)

So see? Another thing that Beth wrote that had me just speechless because of capturing words I didn't even know I wanted to say until I read them.

Way cool.

Messed up and/or TMI

Sometimes I want to walk away from my family...no, scratch that, my mother for good.

I got a call at 7am this morning. Waking me up out of the deep sleep I had finally fallen into. It was my Pop. Responding to an impulsive message I left the other day, asking if we were going to be getting together Thursday. He said he left me 2 messages (that I never got so either he's calling the prepaid number or my voice mail isn't recording all of my messages or ?) and was calling so bloody early 'cause he knew he'd get a hold of me (little did he know I usually have the phone on silent so I DON'T get these fucking early calls that wake me up) ...anyway, "yeah, sure, come on over but I'm NOT cooking a turkey!" "OK, that's fine" (and it really is) Is it strange that I have no craving for the usual turkey day fare this year?

But I'm dreading going over there because if my mother starts in on me about car stuff, I'm going to have to leave or lose my temper.

Why is it that I'm not allowed to not be human? Why did the car stuff have to be such a big deal? I was taking care of everything that happened...maybe not in the timeliest of fashions but I wasn't about to dump the responsibility in her lap for my mistakes. It's like there was no trust that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to her [on account of my actions.]

And then there is the refusal to talk to my aunt. I don't want to get in the middle of it but I can't help it. To make a long story short, my parents have grown weary of their advice NOT being taken...but I'd like to see them uproot their entire lives with a million and one health issues and no support (well outside of "rah-rah, you can do it" support from thousands of miles away)...I mean seriously...unless they tell me they have offered to fly down, pack her up and bring her up here, I'm not buying it.

Yeah, I know my mom is getting old and her disability is affecting her more and more as she ages...I didn't know about the arthritis (per my aunt) but that's no reason to give up and throw in the towel. Yeah, aging sucks but what is the alternative?

And shall we get into that my aunt said some very disturbing things in an email that I read today. About my grandpa. That he was an abuser too. I just can't believe that. It has to just be the ramblings of a fucked up woman (and I mean that with love...) ...

Nope, I'm going to choose to remember the good and that he was the greatest grandpa and that he loved me unconditionally all of my life and never did anything to cause me pain (other than dying!)

Man, my mother's family is so fucked up. Despite the years passing and supposed forgiveness ..it is just messed up. This family of my mothers will never all be together in the same room again...unless its for another funeral...and even then, I wonder....

I'm supposed to go over there on Thursday...oh, I mentioned that already. I'm just nervous I guess. Who knows how I'm going to find my mother. From what Pop and the aunt say, not so great. Between my own guilt (but I shouldn't have to feel guilty/guilty anymore..the car is mine! Just got the actual title yesterday in fact!) and her moods...

AND then between the melodrama of the stuff with my aunt and my mothers self-absorption with her health and my inability to handle the realities of her aging and deteriorating health, I avoid her and that makes me feel like I'm a terrible daughter.

I know it isn't easy but you either suck it up or die right? (No dying allowed!)

I get it though. She was such a vital woman! Even after she became disabled she didn't let it stop her from living life as fully as almost anyone else. My mother...the artist, the writer, the singer...frankly, for a long time I was mad at her for being all these things that I could never be and living in her shadow.

She's lived an exciting life and it's not over yet so why is she acting like it is?

Argh! Enough. It's after 4am and I need to crash.

Lost my temper with a caller today and think it because I was extra tired and cranky. My own fault for staying up so late playing these FB games!

Hey, did YOU know it's not my job to defend my employer? I don't make the rules. I just have to listen to people bitch about them, that's all! That's my favorite thing that came out of my [actually good] meeting with my manager the other day. I'm harder on myself than anybody (well duh!)

Before I forget to mention it, I had a halfway decent weekend. Date w/B Thursday night and dinner & catching up w/Shanna on Friday (Muffeletta's in St. Paul. We gave 6/7 on a scale of 10) I just wish the weekends didn't go by so fast...

onward.

Oooh, hmmm.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Your greatest strength (and weakness) is that you are authentically yourself in virtually any situation. Unlike some more changeable signs, many Leos aren't especially able to play any role but their own. Recognize this. You're not a chameleon. Trying to blend into unfamiliar surroundings goes against your nature; you're meant to stand out and make an impact, like it or not. Knowing and accepting this about yourself is important; it can help you maximize the ways it makes you strong, bold, and exciting to be around, and minimize the ways in which it might limit you. Be you, all the time—but also know exactly who that is.

(Sign Language/Seattle Weekly)

Results Are In

The new "cage"? Really comfortable but terrible support. I think it's just gonna only end up replacing my old, comfy, no support one ..that is still a good thing but I'm disappointed. I'll just have to keep tryin'.

Have scheduled monthly call review tomorrow and I'm nervous about it. I think I preferred the previous version which was unscheduled...actually I prefer the version that was before that...you just listened to it and read the comments. No interaction with your manager was necessary (then again, I'm on my 5th manager in 2 years! That's how crazy things are at this place)

Am nervous because I don't know which call will be reviewed -hopefully not one where I ...spoke my mind and was too honest. I hate doing these call review things because there is always something I've done wrong or not done that I was supposed to. I work my fucking ass off for the callers and management chooses to focus on the "wrongs", not the "rights". But that's the job isn't it? It's all about the calls and there isn't anything else they care about. But maybe talking with her about the recent stresses of everything may help and I'll even try to find out what she does to help her keep her cool. And what might work for me. Get a 2nd opinion.

Blimey. It's 3am and my plan of an earlier bedtime is now not happenin'. Oh well. It won't be the first time I'm half awake/half asleep for a mornin' date w/B (this morning didn't happen after all...he had to go into work...oh well, more sleep for me! I love our mornings together but they can be brutal for both of us with the lack of sleep we both consistently have)

Arrrgh...there was more I was going to go on about tonight but have gotten caught up in YoVille w/Shanna. It turns out we can be on the same server and hang out together in this virtual world.

So enough for now. Have some other stuff to do before crashing. More next time.

Did you think I had forgotten about you?

Hello dear blog. I bet you've been wondering where on earth I've been for the past few days.

My silence was only due to the distractions of life. Just trying to catch up with friends, TV shows, playing around with FB games and just getting through each day.

I'm so proud of myself for finally wading through the zillions of choices that were offered and picking out my health/dental/vision benefits for 2010 from work. I'm not sure what I picked is exactly right nor am I sure about the dollar amounts for my HSA/FSA thingamabobs but we'll just see how it goes.

I definitely needed to sign up for the vision benefit. When I was hanging out w/Irma the other night, the screw fell out of one of the sides on my glasses (thank goodness I knew a trick to fix them up....using only the wire from a twist-tie (you know, the kind you get with sandwich baggies?)) and this will be just the push I need to finally go get my eyes checked again (having to have the monitor at work right in my face is probably another sign I'm overdue for this isn't it?) and get new glasses. It's only been, oh, whoa! probably about 5 years or so!!!! Yikes. OK, so that will be high on my to-do list in 2010.

So did I mention I treated myself to some clothes last paycheck? I probably shouldn't have spent the money. I'm sure there is an old bill (or 2 or ?) that I could have taken care of (or gee, what about saving money Sam???) but in looking through my closet and dresser drawers it struck me that I have, like, NO long sleeved t-shirts and very few sweaters without holes (and I'm not just talkin' about the arm/neck and bottom/opening holes!) so I went slightly nuts. Fashion Bug, Silhouettes and Ulla Popken got a little money from this honey. I also thought I'd give another version of a "cage" a try. I'm on the hunt for the perfect one. (I'm ALWAYS on the hunt for the perfect one! Is it too much to ask that the cups fully support the girls w/no spillage, the back doesn't ride up and most importantly, the straps don't dig into my shoulders or have useless little thingamabobs that do nothing to ease the discomfort of hoisting them around all day??)

So waiting for me today in the mail was the new "cage". I tried it on tonight and it was instant like! So we'll see how it holds up at holding me up tomorrow! :P

Still waiting for the rest of my purchases to arrive and can't wait! That is the downside of online shopping but it beats tromping around malls that can't be bothered to sell clothes for us big beauties! :P

Man I'm tired. I just got done harvesting a bunch of stuff over at Farm Ville. Whew! Such hard work. Now if only the money was real....

Hmm. Had a nice weekend. While I didn't get to cook dinner for my honey due to his cold, I did enjoy the "jammies" day. And then on Friday (aka "Sunday") was lounging around enjoying the use of the banquette (sp?) table downstairs that Jen's honey got for her (why I haven't used it sooner I have no idea. It's a perfect place to type and eat at the same time! :P ) then off to have dinner and fun w/Irma. Man, that Bill's chinese is some good chinese!

This upcoming weekend has another payday (woo hoo) and I'll be hanging out with my girl Shanna on Friday ("Saturday")...I think our plan is to go to Muffuletta's in St. Paul for food and then who knows what.

Next week is the dreaded (or much anticipated?) turkey day. Since I've had so little contact w/my parent's lately (uh, the car issues, my mother's declining health and subsequent drastic mood swings haven't had me exactly eager to talk to her) I'm not sure if I should even mention us getting together for dinner that day. Part of me wants to. As previously mentioned, I love having my own family to get together with on these bloody holidays but the other part of me is like...nah, I'm over it. I'm making up my own rules now and I don't need the family like I once did. Then again, what's the alternative? I don't think I'd want to join anyone else so I could just enjoy having the day off, all to myself. Ooooh. I like the sound of THAT! (Do I even want to talk about the fact that I completely blew off my mother's b-day on the 14th? As JW's they don't celebrate but I don't usually let that stop me from acknowledging it. But this year I said 'eh. Whatever. Per texts exchanged with my bro. supposedly she didn't say anything or notice so ...whew?)

And then again, I could find out why my parent's are refusing to talk to my Aunt. I'm dying of curiosity but I'm sure it just has to do with their disgust at her unwillingness (!) to completely change her life and do what they want her to do...move up here and leave her family behind. Now granted, her family have not made her life any easier (they really are a couple of ...pieces of work) but until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes, you shouldn't judge! She is beset by her own health problems and stuck in a life that she didn't exactly plan on. She's doing her best and I just have the greatest amount of sympathy for her.

Admittedly, I haven't been down to visit her in months (getting time off of work has been impossible and when I am there, even I get depressed and overwhelmed at the amount of shit she deals with on a daily basis!) ...I should get down to see her soon though, even if it is only for the day. She needs a hug and a shoulder and just somebody in her corner. I can do that.

She's my favorite aunt and over the past few years we've gotten closer. I don't talk about her much to everyone but she is very important to me. She's my mom's youngest sister and the one that I've adored since I could remember. She's lived out of state most of my life and as mentioned it's only the past few years that we've gotten close and become friends. She came to live up here for awhile to take care of my uncle before he died and that's when we got together as adults and started to really bond. She's currently living in Florida. (Am I also thinking of a visit because it's getting colder up here? You betcha!) ...

It recently crossed my mind that I've got all these people in my life but they're all in little separate compartments and they never really mix. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Blimey. It's going on 4am soon and I really should call it a night. B is supposed to be coming over in like 5 1/2 hours and I should get some sleep.

So much more to say but I think I'll just quit here for now.

ttfn.

Oh. I thought I had something to say.

But now I'm not so sure. Oh sure, I could blather on about the usual. It's my weekend and I'm just chillin. Have a ton of TV to catch up on but can't seem to get motivated. I keep getting distracted by other things online (not just the Facebook game stuff..which I've finally gotten under control...really!)

Well, maybe tonight. I was supposed to be cooking dinner (pork chops and roasted potatoes) for the man but he's sick. He never gets sick but somehow he picked up an especially evil cold and I'm not gonna risk getting it. Poor baby. He can't even take a day off of work.

So I've been listening constantly to those 2 songs I talk about in the post from the other day, "I'd Rather Dance With You" by Kings of Convenience and "Elevator Love Letter" by Stars. I've got a 2 song playlist at itunes and I've got the repeat button on. The play count for the first one is at 47 and the latter is 36. This just within the last few days.

I'm just so stressed about work (the pressure to bring talk time down is back amongst other crap!) and these songs make me happy! Like right now I'm listening to the former and bouncing around the bed as I write this. Wheeeeee! Happy Happy music. The former especially. Now if only I could get it as my ringtone I'd be a happy camper.

Tomorrow is dinner and catching up with Irma. Will be fun.

Man, I'm hungry. I've only had a cup of coffee and some apple bread w/cream cheese so far today. So I suppose I'll mosey downstairs and rustle up something. I guess I'm gonna have to do something with the pork in the next couple of days though aren't I since I took it out of the freezer and it's thawing out in the fridge. Maybe I should cook the stuff for Irma tomorrow night but we've been talking about Bill's chinese and now I'm craving that...(sorry R!)

Tra la la...and here we go again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd rather dance with you than talk with you
So why don't we just move into the other room
There's space for us to shake, and hey, I like this tune

Even if I could hear what you said
I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear
Because I haven't read a single book all year
And the only film I saw, I didn't like it at all

I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you

The music's too loud and the noise from the crowd
Increases the chance of misinterpretation
So let your hips do the talking
I'll make you laugh by acting like the guy who sings
And you'll make me smile by really getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing...

(Getting to the swing...)
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance with you
I'd rather dance with you
I'd rather dance with you

****

because B sometimes I'd rather dance (or "dance" you pick) with you.