So there (again!)

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Keep up the good work. You've set up some wonderful precedents and new habits for yourself over the past couple of months. Don't let your intrinsic laziness kick in and sabotage all that now. You know what the good stuff is. Maintain that momentum, and if you really need some down time, carve it out of the rest of your life; don't feel as though your new great habits are what's keeping you from all the lounging and taking it easy you also like to do. Actually, if you work things right, you should be able to get more done that you really want to do and be lazier than ever before. This week, think up ways to do exactly that.

******

Is it any wonder why I really dig the horoscope done by CC from Seattle Weekly? The dude knows ME!!!!

Better late than never

It finally occurred to me tonight to ask my "cast" how they felt about being in my blog. At the same time, how can I write about my life without writing about the great people in it?

But I want to be respectful. I'm not happy with myself that it took until now to get around to asking how they felt about it.

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Oh happy "Monday". Tonight, after I got home from work, I was telling J that when I acknowledge needing an attitude adjustment about work that it usually helps and work isn't pure torture. That was the case today. Oh sure, it's still gonna drive me crazy but I'm finding other ways to relieve the stress these days and it's helping (yup, being addicted to FarmVille & Cafe World is actually doing something good for me!)

......

Am totally and passionately in LOVE LOVE LOVE with this song...



that is thanks to pandora.com and this one too, this one thanks to the current.

and the latter video is FUCKING FANTASTIC



though should i be skeeved about a grown man dancing with little girls? Nah, this is too cute!

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Whoa! Kinda fun pulling myself out of FV & CW and seeing more of the lovely things there are out there in the world.

Been catching up on some TV the past couple of days. But lots more to see. And the poor neglected pile of books from the library...I really should return them, unread and just come back to them another time...when I get back into a heavy reading mode.

4 more days to go and then another weekend!!!! Wait, didn't I just say I was having a better attitude about work? Bugger. Well, I still love my weekends more.

There is something to be said for being fully present in the moment

Dinner at La Casita tonight w/my honey. For a restaurant in a suburb, they're really good. I like that they make their salsa fresh every day and it's not that chunky.

Then a really really nice time with him afterward.

Now he's gone and I'm here online and am catching up on email. One email from someone who I am recently back in contact with (and who doesn't know me very well anymore) contained a question about the commitment level from B and this is what I had to say in response...

"Oh believe me, he is as committed as he can be and I'm very happy with the level of it. It's been over 6 years that we've been together this time and that's the longest "on" we've been during our relationship (which has been on and off about 15 years.) He's watched me go through so many changes and deal with some real sadness and pain AND lets me "test" him constantly and he keeps loving me. He's seen my dark and my light sides and still thinks I'm interesting, sexy, smart, adorable after all this time."

That doesn't quite give the whole story but it's important.

So there.

La di da or the end of a chapter.

Happy Saturday to me. Have just been being a bum as usual. Had a better "Friday" night than usual because I went over to R's after work and set him up on a buddy pass so he can go to Georgia this weekend. Afterward to Applebee's for some late night food.

I like helping people travel for cheap because of my job. Somebody's got to be benefiting from it! I guess I should be thinkin' about taking a trip soon but to where? One of the places on my list? Eh. We'll see. I have to get some more time off first, which is proving to be impossible these days with how busy we are with merger crap.

Date with my sweetie tonight. We never managed to have our morning "date" this week so we get to have a real date night instead. Works for me. Either way, I'm happy to spend time with him.

So just killin' time right now before jumping in the shower.

I guess I should make some time to catch up on some TV at some point...maybe after B leaves, I'll catch up on a couple of shows. Then I'll head over and pick R up and take him to the airport so he can catch his insanely early flight tomorrow morning. (I'm up super late anyway, so y'all just keep that in mind if you need a ride to the airport at 3/4 in the morning!)

I guess I should get around to writing the SPCO and tell them that I'm quitting. I'm dithering about though, trying to think of what to say but I suppose it really doesn't have to be that complicated does it? It's just the right time and for the best I think. All I feel is resentful for going over there and with winter approaching...the hassles of parking are just not worth it. There are better things I can do with my time on my days off...such as see my friends more...right? Right!

Still it will be the end of a chapter that has lasted for 5 years. I had lost my job with USFCU and was moving back to St. Paul and the job with them came along at the right time. It was the perfect job for me at the time because I needed a place where I felt confident and safe...getting back into arts ticketing was like putting on a favorite sweater. So I did it and worked only for them for a couple of years, then went off and had my experience with the opera (while yet, still officially working for the SPCO having not given notice) and then after that ended, went back to work for SPCO with my tail tucked between my legs. Then knowing I really needed constant, steady full-time employment, found the job with the airline. (How hard could airline ticketing be since I'd already done arts ticketing for YEARS? Ha ha...little did I know it would be one of the ..hardest? ...jobs I'd ever have!)

I'm sad that my working there never led to a position of full-time work because I really really love(d) arts ticketing. Sadly, between a couple of incidents of losing my temper and my proclaiming my intent to move to England, I lost out on the chance to get a couple of full-time jobs that I applied for...well, I'm pretty sure those were the main factors why I didn't get them. Then again, in all of the non-profit arts organizations I've worked at, there was always some reason I didn't get a full-time job that I wanted and it's a wonder why I stuck around the field so long. I wanted it so badly but kept not succeeding. (No wonder I was on fucking cloud nine when the opera finally said "yes, we want to offer you the position of Ticket Office Manager"...having worked in the ticketing for years, I was finally being rewarded for my dedication and hard work and plus I was damn good at it too!) (Yup, another reason why Beth's post really resonated with me!)

So I've had to just tuck all those dreams away because it hurt too much to keep trying for jobs I wasn't going to get. So with a variety of reasons I don't know combined with the fact that I wasn't perfect and I made some mistakes along the way has/had ruined my chances in a field that has way too small of a playing field in this town.

I think it really is time just to let that part of my life go. Move on. While it's been fun to have the coolness factor of being able to say "I work for the SPCO", it's really mostly part of my past and a reminder of where I failed. I'll focus on getting my shit together attitude-wise and see if I can't get somewhere else besides reservations at work.

Upward AND onward.

(Note: It's done. I just sent the email to the Ticket Office Mgr/Asst. Mgr giving my notice. Just one more concert to work, the day after turkey day but then I'm done!)

Are you reading her blog too?

So one of the blogs ("Sum of Me") I follow is by this chick named Beth and it fucking just rocks. She's honest, funny, insightful and I relate to her words more often than not. I've copied from her before and now I officially have permission to copy/paste things from one of her latest posts that took the thoughts and words right out of my mouth on the topic of, well, you'll see. It cuts right to the heart of what I didn't know I was feeling until I read it ...so I knew I had to share it here... So without further ado...(and only slightly edited because most of what she writes is exactly what I am feeling/thinking and anything in bold is in bold because of me)

"My problem, I've realized - I mean in life...my problem is that I just don't seem to be all that excited about much of anything anymore. That's not really the word, excited. Or passionate or enthusiastic or interested, though it all feeds into those things. It's just that I'm not committed to much of anything, and I don't want to be. I could be. It's a mental trick, deciding to really throw yourself into something. And I could do it, but I don't. I think my job - a few jobs back, the one I mostly loved except for the bad management...That one. That whole episode did something to me that I thought would get fixed in time, in the right situation. But it won't get fixed. At least not by itself. [OMG - does this describe the whole opera thing or what????!!!!!! You don't think so? Keep reading]

I worked really, really hard at that job. And I loved it. Even when I hated it, I loved it. It sucked my life and energy away, and the problem was that it didn't give much of anything back to me. ...You throw yourself into it, you do the best job you can - a job that everyone tells you is really, truly, better work than they ever expected. You outdo yourself. You amaze yourself, that you could do so much and so well. The most boring and minute detail, you could make interesting to yourself. No task too small, etc etc.

And you don't get shit for it. I mean, I know it's supposed to be its own reward and everything. And it is, in a ton of ways. But I worked and worked and waited for my reward. And it never came. It comes for other people. People you know are not nearly as talented, as smart, as good at what they do. You learn the race isn't always to the swift. Good work isn't always rewarded. No one much gives a shit about your potential. It's growing up, is all, when you really finally learn that to the point of certainty. Just because I cared about a thing so much that it invaded my dreams and ate up nearly every brain cell I had, that didn't mean it'd give me any tangible results. Nothing like getting the stars casually wiped right out of your eyes.

So I just turned it off, that drive. Fuck it, I'll just do a decent job, not kill myself. Just give me my paycheck and call it a day. I don't need more than that, I figured. And now I miss the intangibles, that feeling of doing something, anything, that I really, truly care about. The satisfaction of doing it so well that everyone marvels and I'm delighted. I miss it, but I turned it off and can't seem to turn it back on again. I guess I'm just scared. Or tired. And entirely certain that it will always lead to disappointment, so why put bother putting myself in a position I know will lead to all kinds of dashed hopes.

Mostly it's that I'm chickenshit. I know that.

I don't know why I'm blathering about it. It pertains to my situation at work just now, I guess - I could do the job so much better if I could make myself care....I just don't care that much about anything. And I wondered to myself why and here's the answer, comes blurting out when I sit down to blog. As usual."

>>>>>>>>>>

Fuckin' A. She hit the nail on the head.

Now all of this is not to say that I don't like my life (and I know I'm pretty damn lucky in a lot of ways) but I sure am playing it safe too. What is that getting me? While safety and security are fine, what about becoming invested in something else again? But what?

Well, I'm just gonna have to do some serious thinkin' on it aren't I? See if it lights a fire under me...

Then again, doing this blog is my new passion but is it enough?

Now THIS is what I'm talking about!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It might be tempting to turn your home into a womb-like sanctuary and explore the mysteries of doing absolutely nothing while clad in your pajamas. And frankly, this might be a good idea. After the risks you've taken to reach out to the other side, after the bridges you've built in the midst of the storms, after the skirmishes you've fought in the Gossip Wars, you have every right to retreat and get your homebody persona humming at a higher vibration. So I say: Be meticulously leisurely as you celebrate the deep pleasures of self-care.

From freewillastrology (City Pages)

A little of this, a little of that

My computer is running reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllly slow and freezing up lately. It's pissing me off big time. I've "defragged" "disk clean-up"'d, etc. No luck. I think it might be the couple of movies that I downloaded from Graboid that's slowing me down. So I either better hustle and watch 'em, decide to delete 1 of them w/out watching ("Atonement") or delete both (the other is "The Brothers Bloom") ...we'll see what I get around to tonight. I could always request "Atonement" from the library. I've waited this long to see it, what's another few months? And the other movie? Well, I really wanted to see it after watching a preview on Hulu. Maybe I'll open it up and see if it's the real deal. (Graboid is like a Limewire but for TV/Movies.)

OK, made a decision. Just deleted both. The latter because I discovered that I didn't have the whole movie and the former because, well, just because. I'll just do the library thing or find it elsewhere online sometime.

But I'm acting as if I'm going to be able to tear myself away from my latest obsession....

I'm totally addicted to some Facebook "games" right now. Farmville and Cafe World. (Yoville is next!) How insane is that there are a MILLION things to do online (it's not just for porn!) and I'm getting off on "cooking" food, planting seeds/trees & then harvesting stuff. I think it might have something to do with control and seeing something through from start to finish. How often do we get pleasure from those things in real life? Actually maybe that just says something about my own life...I feel out of control so I'm taking it where I can, even if it's not in the real world.

Or maybe it's just fucking games and I'll grow bored with them soon enough.

Ah, happy hump day to me.

Pumpkin bread cooling downstairs. Think I'll mosey on down and try it out. (It's a frozen just-pop-in-the-oven version I'm trying out for the first time)...

Oh, exciting news! J is getting a new dishwasher for the house! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! I hate dishes but I don't mind loading and unloading a dishwasher! I had to hug her when she told me the news.

Hmm, what else, oh...yeah, my weekend was awesome. First day off was "jammie" day as previously reported (you get why that really is a lovely thing right? That the girls are free to breathe and be loose and free, not confined to a cage that it takes forever to get them into then and is uncomfortable all day...someday maybe I'll find the perfect cage....)

Then on Friday/Sunday, after working a shift at the SPCO (ooh, that reminds me, got an email about December shifts...this is a good time for me to decide if I'm gonna quit or not....?)
I got together with Shanna for a late dinner. After preparing ourselves for and with a treat, off to Pizza Luce' on Lyndale we go. Yummy. Just yummy. We ended up w/hoagies though because little miss fussy eater here didn't want to have quite the same kind of pizza Shanna wanted.

And those mints! More please! (Just thinking about them makes my mouth water :P )

It's nice to just have a good meal and some conversation with someone isn't it?

Hmm, what else? Work OK...back to the not-hating-it right now (but could that be because I'm sneaking in updates to my FB games in between phone calls??? I am baaaaaaaaaaaaad!)

This upcoming weekend should be fun. Going to get together w/Irma to do something...not sure what yet, but it'll be fun to catch up with her...it's payday on Friday and I'm gonna be so happy! I've kinda blown through my last check...buying new sheets was not quite in the budget but I did it anyway!

Ciao for now.