Changes...

Well, not so many. Just felt like it was time to change the template of this blog...again. I get a kick out of changing it every so often. Just to keep you all from getting bored with it! (As if! :P)

So for a real weekend, it felt like my usual weekend. Nothing really different or special about it. Wasn't all boring though...ended up covering a TB shift at the SPCO yesterday for someone ...he was lucky I was available. The downside is that I got a ticket for a. expired meter (it was too crazy busy so I didn't get to go and plug it with more quarters) and b. expired tabs. Frick, frick, frick. I have terrible luck in St. Paul. I keep getting busted for stupid crap. It makes me not to want to work there anymore...it's not worth the hassle of parking (yup, I'm becoming one of those people who won't go anywhere unless it's got easy, free parking) ...Then dinner last night w/Irma. Nice dinner. She's got me hooked on this Chinese place called Bill's. Yeah, a funny name for a Chinese restaurant but the food is spectacular. Good company, conversation and food. What more could you ask for on a Saturday night?

Today, mellow day. Didn't do the anniversary lunch with the family after all. My bro called just as I was getting up and yeah, I sounded horrible. Lingering cold. It's mostly gone but we didn't want to take any chances...and frankly, it was a relief. After NOT getting a lazy (aka stay-in-my-pj's) day yesterday, I really wanted one today.

We'll just have to do the celebrating when we can.

I'm actually looking forward to this week and the training we're getting on the Delta reservation system. I sure hope it makes parts of the job easier...aka the finding of answers to questions because I still gotta keep working on bringing my talk time down. I actually did better than I wanted to for August so I'm less stressed about things at work.

So today was a lazy day...I spent most of it reading. I just started a new series by an author named Rachel Caine. A series about a teenage girl, her roommates and the town they live in where vampires rule the town. I love finding a new series and then getting all of the books from the library so I can read them one after the other...it's like watching an entire season of a TV show all in one go. Not having to wait to find out what happens next...but of course, sadly one does get to the point when you're caught up and have to wait for the next book/series/season, etc. As previously mentioned, thank goodness I've got so many others that I read and watch that I can usually keep from getting too impatient about it all.

So I was goofing around on Facebook tonight and just looking for more people from my past and who did I come across? B.V. My first significant adult relationship. Should be interesting to see if he accepts my request to be "friends". I hope he does. I know you can't go back again but it would be nice to just know how he's been.

If he does accept my request...well, that will be great even though I'm feeling a bit self-conscious about the pictures of myself that I have posted. I've certainly "grown" over the years ...and it's been about 20 years since we've seen each other...I'm trying not to freak out about it too much though because thanks to the general encouragement of another blogger...I've decided to adopt her attitude about pictures [of me]...as in, if you want one, OK. Who am I to deny you a picture of yours truly and capturing a moment you'd like to remember? So what the hell, but there certainly is more of me to love than there ever has been.

Well, it's about 1:30am and I don't feel like writing anymore for tonight. So 'til next time....c'est la vie.

Woo Hoo! Yippee Skippee! Hurrah!

And the 2009 TV season has opened with a BANG! New shows that I've seen the premiere of (and I thought they were good enough for me to keep watching (for the time being)) are "Melrose Place" and "The Vampire Diaries". MP is going to pure mindless entertainment and TVD ...well, as long as they do something about those "long, longing stares" ...as in reduce them, well, I'll be fine with it. Nothing wrong with watching shows with cute boys in them right? Right! I also caught the 2nd episode of "Glee" and it was pretty good. However, speaking of "Glee", I made the mistake of reading just a couple of people's comments about the show over at tvguidemagazine.com (they were commenting on the show after yet another good review of it from a critic) and think they made a few good points about the fact that every character is a cliche (dumb jock, guy in a wheelchair, black chick w/attitude, etc.) but I'm willing to keep watching to see how the characters develop. And last but certainly not least, I watched the season opener of "Supernatural" ...excellent! Funny moments and sad moments. This season is gonna be something.

It's Friday going into Saturday and it's gonna be really strange having a real weekend off. Got training stuff the next couple of weeks so hence the weekends off. I'm psyched. There are plans for dinner with Irma on Saturday night and then there's talk of taking my parent's out on Sunday for a belated anniversary [early] dinner (or late lunch?) because we didn't end up doing it last Wednesday. (My cold was still kickin' my ass and my mother wasn't feeling well herself so no family celebration...yet)

Speaking of THE COLD, well, it's almost gone...I think. I was feeling better yesterday...enough that I was up for seeing my sweetie (yeah! yahoo! woo hoo! yippee skippee!)...it's been, like 2 weeks and I've missed him something fierce! Sadly, tonight at work, the more the evening progressed, the worse my throat was. But I feel a bit better now and am glad I don't work the next couple of days.

Then next week, training for a week or so...so not really on the phones...that'll be a nice break.

Hmm, what else? Was fairly productive yesterday and proud of that...but having company over is a good motivator. I did laundry (including my sheets), took garbage out, swept and tidied my room up a bit. It's nice feeling back in control of my home environment.

Well, enough of this for now. Gonna catch up on some of the other blogs I read (I love reading "Sum of Me"...are you people reading hers too? You should! She's wicked funny in a dark, sarcastic, dry way) and the crash for the night. I've got "Project Runway" and "Top Chef" to catch up on now but I'll save those for tomorrow.

Ciao.

It's Almost Here!

Fall is almost here and I'm looking forward to the new TV season.

It's Monday evening, around 6pm, Labor Day 2009 and I'm bored. So very bored. Bored, bored, bored. I could read but I did that earlier. I just ate some leftovers and am now ready to figure out what to do with my evening. I still have stuffed up ears and am definitely staying in...but what am I going to do with myself tonight?

I was just over at Hulu.com looking for something to watch, but nothing is really jumping out at me and saying WATCH ME. I had this problem with cable when I had it. I had digital cable which gave me access to a library full of TV shows and movies and I would rarely actually watch anything though because I could never decide what to waste time on. (Isn't there a Bruce Springsteen song about 57 channels and nothing on?) Now maybe my saying that I'm looking for ways to waste time is a big sign that maybe I should be finding something more constructive to do with my free time but that won't help me tonight. I haven't got the energy to do anything.

I'm caught up on my summer favorites...and the new season isn't quite here (though some will start this week...finally!) so I'm at loose ends TV-wise. I don't want to finish "Moonlighting" because I read too much about the show (google, wikipedia, etc.) and now it's been spoiled for me...besides...watching them spar continuously is too much. I do like Bruce Willis though...and he really does love her. He always gives in to her and gives her what she wants...but then again, he should love her for more than just her pretty face.

I am tempted to watch "The Dresden Files", "Firefly" or "The Pretender" again but I usually am not a fan of watching a show I've already seen even when I LOVED the show.

Oh how I wish the new season was here already...there are some new shows I'm looking forward to..."Cougar Town" (love Courtney Cox Arquette), "The Vampire Diaries" (of course since I'm a fan of the supernatural genre), "Melrose Place" (will I enjoy it as much as the original?), "Eastwick" (should be interesting to see what they do with this...the movie was good), "The Good Wife" (am torn about this one...love Chris Noth and like Julianne Marguiles but the story about "the wife"?? Uh, you understand my hesitation right?), more of "Glee" (really liking this and glad have been able to catch the pilot already), "Three Rivers" (but only because Katherine Moening (L Word, Young Americans) -one of my "girl crushes" is on it!) and "V" (don't remember much about the original but curious enough to see a remake).

How I'm going to keep up with all of those when I've got so many returning favorites to watch too...(see list over there ---------> ) It will be interesting to see which, if any, become shows added to the faves list or even make it past fall.

I just hope any or all of them distract me from thoughts of approaching winter (have I mentioned how much I HATE winter? Why I live in this state is a constant mystery to me 6 months out of 12)...but I'm getting ahead of myself. It's 77 degrees outside right now. I ate out on the back deck earlier and it certainly is splendidly wonderful out there. Warm but not humid. I'd go out there with the computer but even though Jen has lovely chairs out there, they're not quite as comfy as my bed and should I choose to take a nap....well, it's all so perfect right here.

So what to do about entertainment for tonight???? Actually first I should finish figuring out what to get for my parent's anniversary..which is TOMORROW!!!! So I suppose I better go looking around 'eh? (Note: it's 5 minutes later and I just got done consulting with my bro on what to get 'em and I think we're gonna just take 'em out to dinner on Wednesday night. That problem solved. But now what in the hell am I going to do tonight???)

Later.

Downs and Ups and Downs and Ups

So still dealing with this sucky cold. Between my ears being plugged up (and then when I blow my nose they pop and crackle and hurt :( ) and the sore, scratchy (but ubersexy!) voice, I'm ready to just crawl under the covers and never come out.

If only I hadn't used up all of my opportunities to call in sick at work. I've had to go in, no if's, and's, or but's about it. Fuck. (I'm not going to even bore you with the details on the attendance policy at work and why it's come to this...)

Thankfully it was slow enough on Friday and tonight that they "put the clock up" and I could leave early. Now if only I'd be a good girl and try to go to sleep earlier than the usual time...but we all know what a joke that is...tossing, turning and mind racing with a million thoughts keeps the sandman at bay.

So it's Labor Day Weekend and I'm gonna be laying low for the rest of it. I did get tomorrow off and I'm gonna spend it not talking to anyone and resting up my voice. Sucks that this holiday won't be as fun as it could be (spending it w/friends) but I gotta get over this thing.

Oh, did I mention we bid for new shifts last Monday? I will have the same hours, 2-10:30pm but now with Thursday and Fridays off. Woo hoo! It just seemed the best combo that would allow me to see B, work the occasional shift for the SPCO AND spend time with my lovely, dear, patient friends.

That new schedule won't begin until the weekend of the 12th...it's actually going to be a crazy month schedule-wise 'cause I'm actually supposed to have that weekend off because I'll start training on the 14th for the reservation system that Delta uses...so I'll have the 12th/13th off, then training M-F that week from 2:30-11pm, then another weekend off, then on-the-job usage of the new system the following week and then back to normal the week after that...it's enough to make the head spin. It should be fun having some actual real weekend days off ...it's been a long time since that's happened.

So my brother was kind enough to bring over the lien release (from the car dealership where my mom got Suzette from) that I need in order to finally get the title transferred to me. It's about bloody time since I've had the car for about 2 years now! Ooops! (I didn't want to go over to their place to go get it 'cause I don't want to risk getting my mom sick. She's got enough physical problems without getting this bugger. (I'll have to just hope I didn't give anything to him...))

After he left, I went back to bed and as I was trying to fall back asleep I was thinking about my brother and how cool he is and that maybe I should write a bit about him.

He's 3 years older than me and also not married or has any kids. (Though a person really shouldn't be defined by those facts right? Right!) He's currently living with Mom/Pop due to not being able to find work. (Hey, anyone's company looking for truck drivers????) and it's been months. I feel for the guy and wish there was something I could do for him. But in the meantime, I'm kinda glad he's living with them because with my mom's health problems, I know he's been able to ease the burden on my Pop's shoulders for taking care of her and the household (Pop's been doing it all...cooking, cleaning, laundry...on top of working full-time.) (I'm a bad daughter and don't help them ever with anything... :( Oh, except flights!!!)

And is it just awful that I'm glad it's him and not me in that position? Yup. It's awful. I'll burn in hell for that thought (it's a joke my Pop likes to make...you fellow former JW's get it right?)

Anyhoo...he's never (and I mean NEVER) had a girlfriend and that does break my heart. He's a good guy. When we were growing up we had our share of fights but he always stuck up for me and would beat up those who picked on me. As a teenager he had terrible acne and so the girls didn't flock to him (oh how shallow youth can be) and as he got older and the acne improved...it just didn't happen. I think there have been girls he liked but it's never been reciprocated. I'm not sure why it's just never happened for him. Oh sure, he's got a temper (just like me...something we "got" from Pop) but it only comes out when life deals him a crappy blow ...which seems to happen to him more than you would believe....but yet he keeps on keepin' on. (I will always love "Joe Dirt" for many reasons including the usage of that expression) and putting one foot in front of the other. He doesn't give in to depression like I do/have done. It's curious how we're so different in that I've done the therapy/happy pill thing and he hasn't when we had the same childhood. (Then again, not all of what's messed me up happened in childhood...)

I could write lots more about him but will stop for now and move on to other topics like...?
Maybe I really don't have much more to say right now so maybe I'll just stop this here.

Ciao for now.

Frick, Frick, Frick

I have another cold. Pisses me off that I have a cold in the frickin' summertime! I should have known something was up when I was super tired at work the other night...more so than usual.

So I barely managed to survive work the past couple of days and now thankfully it's my weekend and I can sleep and work on flushing the bastard out by drinking my weight in water, juice and tea.

So this is all yer gonna get right now. Time to go blow my nose again (Jen, thanks again for the kleenex!)

P.S. Happy Birthday Gabi! You just keep on keepin' on and remember always what a beautiful soul you are. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger :P

Coincidence? I Think Not

This is the perfect follow-up to the other post from earlier this afternoon isn't it?

My horoscope from Seattle Weekly...

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

If there were a competitive rut-sitting contest, surely you'd win. You've dug in your heels, and you're clearly determined to hang in this particular rut you've found until the cows come home and pigs are flying around overhead. I've accepted that you're not going to budge until you're ready to. So here's my suggestion: Peek outside the rut and see where you might head next if and when you decide to move on. Is there anything you can do here and now—without leaving your beloved rut—to prepare for the next chapter? I'm willing to bet there's a lot. If you're not going to leave the rut you've dug, what's stopping you from making it a prettier, happier, and more productive place to be?

Truth Hurts (or Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before)

So Ryan was honest enough to post a comment after my last post and with good reason...he had a point to make and make it he did. My preferring "Moonlighting" to spending time with friends...ouch. I don't think any less of him for saying that. I know he's saying it with love. There does feel like something is wrong in that I'm preferring fiction to reality.

Brings to mind one of my favorites songs from John Mayer and these are the lyrics (couldn't find a youtube performance of it that was decent enough for what I wanted here so lyrics will have to do...):

Great Indoors

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
The great indoors

Lamplight makes the shadows play
And posters take the walls away
The T.V. is your window pane
The view won't let you down
So put your faith in a late night show
I bet you didn't even know
Depends on how far out you go
The channel numbers change

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors

Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room had room for two

So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Leave the great indoors

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days of idle days

So I wrote R a message over at Facebook and was able to put into a few words what is going on with me right now...

"...don't know why i'm feeling more anti-social than usual lately. am more stressed about work than usual and guess just really needing lots of downtime when not at work.."

I have had absolutely zero desire to put the "Sam-is-happy" face on outside of work. The frustrating thing is that I'm not unhappy, just....blah. The thing with work is that I had a phone call review with my manager the other day and while good points are made (a call to book tickets that should have only taken 5-10 minutes lasted over 30 minutes) it felt like I was being attacked for being me. It's taken me so fucking long to be more comfortable with me and I've been feeling so damn grateful I've got a job that lets me be me...however, apparently that's not enough. Oh they don't want me to stop being me with the warmth, personality, etc. that I bring to the calls but they want me to rein it in and I don't know how to do that and still do my job well. I've found myself rushing through the phone calls and biting my tongue. I keep telling myself it's the balancing act and I just need to find the right balance...to have those calls I can just brush off like an annoying fly and those where it's OK to pour my heart and soul into them.

So hanging over my head every day I'm at work is this stress about bringing my talk time down and of course the constant fear of being late or missing a day of work and losing my job...let's not even talk about the anxieties over whether or not we're going to end up with a union or not. I want the union because I've now experienced the benefits of having one. I've lost jobs in the past due to the whims of management or other stupid fucked up reasons...granted, yes, I've made mistakes and choices that led to my demise but maybe, just maybe, if I'd been given chances or there had been more steps in place for coaching and correcting mistakes maybe I wouldn't have such a fucked up work history record. (Not that it's that terrible but it's sure not as nice as I'd like it to be.)

I'm not proud, well yes I am of course, that this is the first full-time job I've held for more than 2 years in a long long time.

So I go, and put on the happy face and leave my personal troubles behind and don't bring them into work.

When I'm home or having days off, occasionally I can break out of my self-imposed shell and have some fun but lately I've just not wanted to. It takes too much energy.

So Ryan texted me about getting my message and maybe getting together tonight and despite my reluctance to leave the comfort of my nest, I agreed (with the hope that we just have a really low-key night...) now he's saying he might need a raincheck because he's not feeling well and while I don't want him sick, all I can feel is relief that I might get to keep my night to myself after all. I feel terrible about that but hey, love me as I am or don't love me at all right?

(Sadly, that is part of being my friend...I may not always see or talk to you but it sure doesn't mean I don't love you or value your friendship. I really am here for you whenever you need me even if it doesn't seem like it.)

Maybe all of this doesn't have to be anymore than what it is...just a current bout of blah but I just can't shake the feeling like there has got to be more to life than this. Summer is closer to ending and the days just seem to be flying by ...don't they? Life is just whizzing on by and I'm watching it from the sidelines with little desire to jump in. It's enough that I can get up and get to work. It's enough that I'm paying the necessary-to-live bills and keep myself in groceries & smokes. It's enough that my car keeps running. It's enough that I see B when he can see me because I am just so deeply in love with him that I'll take what I can get. (Though further proof of the blah...last week our attempt to get together failed 3x's and instead of getting all bent out shape about it, I was really was like "whatever" ...or is it that I'm just so secure in his love for me??? OK, some of this I know I'm repeating from a recent post..sorry about that...it's just such a surprise that I'm not pissing and moaning about our aborted get-togethers...)

What the fuck is my problem? Why aren't I doing more, being more, getting more, wanting more? Is that little voice in my head of my mother telling me I'm lazy speaking up again? I thought I shut that up ages ago.

One of the blogs I read has a post that really spoke me to me today...(I hope the author doesn't mind my copying parts of it...she doesn't do comments...FYI - I love reading her blog...it's one of my favorites...this chick is honest and I really dig her) ...

"...So I've been saying, sometimes, about this very dedicated effort of mine lately, to focus on the positive. When I was a teenager, it felt just like this. I'd detach myself from the crappy things. Big heavy wet things, weighing me down, that could easily pull me into a current of depression. But it didn't. I was so very very good at scraping it off and carrying on, don't mind the swamp thing grasping at my heels...

...Now I've lived both ways: slowing down and taking stock of the detailed good and bad of life as it happens; and hopping from happy lily-pad to happy lily-pad while keeping the painful stuff shoved forcefully in the quiet periphery.

Which one is better? I don't know. I feel more like me, like this. Life is infinitely more bearable when lived in denial. But it also feels like a lie. A happy lie, but still a lie. Is that bad? Which life would be regretted on a deathbed? There's really no way to know..."

I just work so hard on focusing on the positive and when thoughts that only bring me down try to surface I just squash them down and go distract myself with some TV-watching or reading.

Oh, there I go just being all melodramatic again though don't I? But I'm so bogged down in all of this right now. A night with a dear friend would do me good wouldn't it? To get out of my own head. So if he texts me that he's feeling up for the get together, I'll go dammit!