Happy Birthday Shanna!

(Gasp, I'm actually using a full name and not just an initial!)

I'm going to start a new tradition...Upon the birthday of my dear friends, I'm going to dedicate a post to them, starting with Shanna.

She's 30 years old today and a few days ago we were chatting about the upcoming big 3-0 and I told her that the 30's are fantastic. She didn't want to/doesn't believe me but I wasn't lying. Now of course, at the time, I thought the same thing and so I went ahead and did some crazy things -thinking I had better before I was too old to have wild & crazy fun anymore. So the night I turned 30, under cover of darkness (but in the light of the moon) I went across the street, to the local kiddie pool and skinny-dipped. Now this was in the city. In a neighborhood full of houses where people could come walking by at anytime. I floated back and forth, enjoying the feel of the cool water on my nekkid body on this hot summer night. I felt brave & crazy & free. It was wonderful! I had just gotten my underwear and t-shirt back on when a woman came by w/her dog. We were chatting & I ended up confessing what I had just done (me & my big mouth of course) and she said good for me (thanks lady!)

Now thankfully, that didn't end up being the last wild & crazy thing I did in my 30's (the next year (or really was it the year I turned 29? (I honestly can't remember because it was sooooooo long ago! :P) I went for beers w/a neighbor & her b/f, we got drunk & a threesome (of sorts) was had!)

Ahem, anyhoo....

While I may still be trying to figure out my shit, I've found that over the last 9 years, I've become more confident, less self-conscious & insecure. I can't pinpoint exactly when or how it happened but things just got better.

I met Shanna when I was in my late 20's when we were both working at what used to be called Lutheran Brotherhood. We were both temps and I don't even remember why or how we started talking & becoming friends (can we just blame this on all the pot I was smokin' at the time??) but we did...bonding over smoke breaks outside. She was so much younger than me and our lives were very different but there was an immediate connection. As the years went by, I even felt like she was a younger version of me, except skinny! :P

We kept in touch, even after leaving the job and a couple of years later we went ahead and shared an apartment (a cheap, but w/lots of character but ultimately crappy one) in Uptown for a year. That year was an adventure. While we were alike, we were also total opposites in that she always was going out & I was always staying in (the hermit years had begun) but living with her was a blast. So many reasons why it was so cool include that she always smelled great, looked great and inspired me to care more about my appearance; coloring my hair, wearing make-up & wearing nicer clothes than I had been. I was in touch with my inner goddess. Thanks to her I learned how to make a decent cup of coffee (when not making an entire pot.) I also learned the difference between good incense & bad. (Bad just smells like smoke, not the scent). We may have lived different lifestyles but she could always be counted on to hang out with me when I needed a shoulder and vice versa. We spent many a night out on the front steps just enjoying the night & smoking. We bonded over unavailable, horrible men, work, mothers that drove us crazy & "Sex and the City". She had great taste in furniture and I lucked out that when we finally did move I was able to get a comfy couch & chair for furniture from her.

She was, is, the little sister I never had (and I desperately wanted a sister growing up!)

I've mentioned this before but I'm so grateful that we managed to stay friends after living together. My anti-social, stubborn self hadn't/hasn't driven her away.

We keep on keepin' in touch and while we've only gotten together a handful of times the past few years, when we do get together it's like we just pick up where we left off.

In her, I've got a friend I trust completely and I never doubt that I'm good enough, smart enough or pretty enough to be her friend. She just gets me and lets me be me (just like some other dear friends of mine...you know who you are!) She's beautiful. Smart. Kind. Funny. Interesting. Complex. Brave. Sincere. Passionate. Loving. And because she's a human being & not a robot, she can also be, at times, moody, impatient & exasperating but I only say that 'cause that's me too! (I told you in some ways she's a younger version of me right? :) )

So she's not looking forward to being 30 but really, it's not so bad. Every day that passes is another day you get to choose to take what you've learned and apply it to your life. You accept yourself more fully, flaws and all. You get a clearer picture of what it is you do & don't want for your self & your life. You learn to appreciate the good things in your life that you've worked really hard for. You make fewer mistakes based on lack of knowledge & wisdom. You learn to pick your battles and focus on the positive. You have a clearer picture of who you are and your place in this world and it only gets better as the years go by. You can still be wild, crazy, impulsive & have fun with less drama & heartache because you know what lines not to cross anymore.

Shanna, you're still you. Just getting to be a better, happier you every day. You are appreciated & loved very much.

Happy happy birthday (again) my dear!

Uh, Hmm, Well, Ah...Oh!

Duh! I know what I can start out with tonight...my own little tribute to John Hughes. R.I.P. My first introduction to him was of course back in 1984 when "Sixteen Candles" came out...my parent's, brother and I had gone to the drive in to see a double bill of ? -a movie I don't remember and "Sixteen Candles". I can't remember the other movie (it was probably "Back to the Future or something wholesome like that) but then we started watching "Sixteen Candles" and when the scene came up of the girl taking a shower and bare breasts were shown, we were outta there. My parent's were deep into the religion by this time and they didn't want my brother (my 17 year old brother) exposed to that kind of thing...I can't really quite put into words what I'm trying to say here, suffice it to say that masturbation was wrong and nudity in TV/movies was wrong, etc. and of course they didn't want to contribute to material for him to use "later"!

Anyhoo, I remember being really upset because I had heard about the movie and all my "worldly" friends had seen it and I didn't think it was fair we couldn't watch it because of my brother.

It took me years to actually see it...and though a great movie, it's not my favorite of his.

Then "The Breakfast Club" came out and again, heard about it but was not allowed to see it and didn't get a chance to until a few years after the release and I bought it on videotape.

Now, this one? I LOVED. To this day, this is one of the few movies I can quote along with. I loved how they got high (it took me until I was in my 20's to do that for the first time, such a late bloomer!) and I loved how the Molly Ringwald & Judd Nelson characters interacted, especially at the end when she goes to see him in the storage room (you all saw my 100% BC quiz score on Facebook right? I know this movie well! :P ) I still love Judd Nelson because of this movie.

What a frickin' awesome movie overall right? My first high school, Harding, was full of cliques and I could relate to feeling like an outsider because of the religion & stuff. (My second/final high school was Como Park and while there were cliques, I actually had friends from all of them, unlike at Harding)

Then came "Pretty in Pink" and this is my 2nd favorite John Hughes movie of all time. Molly Ringwald and super cute Andrew McCarthy & Jon Cryer. Bonus that James Spader was in it too! Instant lust crush on him! And who can forget that great soundtrack ("If You Leave" not my favorite track even though it is a great song that introduced me to OMD, who became one of my favorite groups)

Next, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and somehow, I think I saw that -in the actual movie theater. I'm not sure how or why...(maybe it had a better rating than some of the others? PG or PG-13 or something?) and yes, this one was a GREAT movie. Instant crush on Matthew Broderick. And to this day, whenever I hear "Shake It Up Baby" by The Beatles I'm instantly reminded of that parade in downtown Chicago. My favorite scene is when Jennifer Grey is making out with Charlie Sheen at the police station.

Then in 1987, I saw a movie that is to this day one of my all-time favorites. (I must have been allowed to see it again because of a PG rating...) I remember hearing about it and thinking cool, another John Hughes movie and those are always good...I went downtown St. Paul, to the movie theaters at Galtier Plaza, with my cousin D and ?? (crap, apologies for forgetting who else was there) and seeing what I think is the best (in my opinion) of his movies...

"Some Kind of Wonderful"

Dreamy Eric Stoltz and girl-crush worthy Mary Stuart Masterson. The storyline was right up my alley...girl secretly in love with her best friend. Happy ending? You betcha. And that soundtrack? ("I Go Crazy" by Flesh for Lulu and "Turn to the Sky" by The March Violets) Fucking awesome. I can pretty much say all their lines throughout the entire thing (well, I used to be able to...not so sure now since it's been a couple of years since I've watched it :( ) ...this movie having what I consider the best on-screen kiss scene EVER when they're in the garage and MSM's character is asking ES's character if he thinks he "can deliver a kiss that kills...Amanda Jones is no minor leaguer who will be swept off her feet at the touch of your amateur lips..." and then comes the most perfect movie kiss EVER (uh, have I mentioned that I think this is the best movie kiss EVER?? :P ) ...it gave me chills & thrills and still affects me to this day!

I loved this one so much I even bought "the book" they published of it (good but yet slightly different from the movie even though the movie came out first from what I recall...weird)

Ah, memories. Did these movies accurately portray the realities of my teenage years with cliques & being from the wrong side of the tracks? Yeah. We weren't rich and my clothes usually came from thrift stores. Did I fit in with the cool kids at school? Well, not at Harding. Did I long for the boy I liked to like me back? Of course (And after years of unrequited crushes it finally did happen once, in high school, but that's a story for another post). Was I guilty of being "...with someone for the wrong reasons then alone for the right." ? (Not so much and it was this that helped me avoid being in a relationship with A when that was offered to me a few years later)

It's amazing how much a person can be shaped by their memories of a time and what affect someone else's words can have on another.

Later came a movie that I didn't care for, which was disappointing because I had expected to like it based on the previous movies of his I had seen and that was "She's Having A Baby". While it had a great cast with Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern (and an oh so young & cute Alec Baldwin) & a phenomenal soundtrack ("Desire" by Gene Loves Jezebel, "Apron Strings" by Everything But the Girl, "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush) it made me sad to think that this was the reality of getting married. Now yes, it was just a movie but from all I had known, it was a fairly accurate portrayal of getting married (because what other choice did you have if you didn't want to lose someone -gee now there's a reason to get married (not because you really like and are in love with someone that you want to spend your life with!) resisting temptation and then giving into society's pressures to live in the suburbs, get a mini-van and then procreate...) ...OK, OK, I probably read waaaaay to much into that but I took things so literally in my younger years. I was trying to learn about the world from movies, TV & books because god knows, in the religion, they weren't teaching you about real life! Anyhoo...this is one of the reasons, still to this day, that I have no desire for the marriage, move to the suburbs, have a mini-van and 2.4 kids lifestyle.

Well! That was quite the rant on that one wasn't it?

Good grief, it's almost 2am and it's been raining and stormin' outside something fierce with no sign of letting up.

Well, I'm sad that the brilliant mind that brought these life-altering movies to my life has left this world and will be ever grateful for his contribution to the movie world.

The More Time Passes...

The more I realize that doing this blog thing is a major commitment and we all know how I feel about commitment! Actually that's not quite true. I've been working for the SPCO for over 4 years, the airline for 2 and been with B for over 5 (this time around. He's been a fixture in my life in one way or another since I was about 23.)

I've got staying power in some things, but in others, not so much.

My life has been in flux one way or another since the very start. First there was the mother who didn't stay married to biological father (he was a wanker to put it mildly, people have heard me say worse, much worse, but I really like the word wanker tonight...I've been watching BBC TV) then her marrying step-dad #1, then her taking a trip to England and meeting the man who would eventually become step-dad #2/Pop. After the wedding, there was the moving to England and living in 2 different houses (for part of the time we actually lived in 2 houses at one time! Boy did I feel rich!)

There was the picking up of a cockney accent, then dropping it when we got back to the states (Mom lost her job & was homesick so back we came) because I couldn't handle the teasing I was getting from the other kids. There was moving back and forth between St. Paul & Minneapolis repeatedly throughout my prepubescent, pubescent & young adult years. There were moves due to Mom & Pop separating, fires, and just general necessity.

When I was about 36, I mentally calculated the number of times I had moved in my life up to that point and it equaled 18. Yup. 18. That number is up to about 20 now. Of course a good 1/3rd of those moves were after I moved out of home ...I'm actually curious as to what I counted so now, if it's not too boring, I'm going to list them here ...for posterity. Ages are approximate. (This ought to be interesting since I've had 2 cocktails! I sure don't mind that I have leftover booze from the party last week!)

1. Minneapolis. Baby. Apt.
2. Minneapolis. Toddler. Apt.
3. Minneapolis. 4/5 - 8. House. The grey house in South Minneapolis near Lake Nokomis.
4. London. 8. Flat in house with other flats. Shared bathroom w/other tenants (Remind me to someday tell you the story of my being really lazy/aka naughty in this house..there's a particular thing I did that was reeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaalllllly bad!)
5. London. 9/10. House. In SE Camberwell...an area of London. A nice house I thought. Even though my room was tiny. (Hey, I'm gonna have to remind my brother of that, he thinks I always got the bigger bedroom!)
6. London. 9/10. 2nd House. This attached to nursing home my mother was in charge of.
7. St. Paul. 10. Apt. in East St. Paul on Bates Ave.
8. Minneapolis. 11/12. Lower unit of Duplex in South Minneapolis.
9. St. Paul. 13. Back to East St. Paul Apt. building we lived in before.
10. St. Paul. 14. Fire happened so another duplex but in East St. Paul
11. St. Paul. 15-18. Parent's bought first house in East St. Paul, across from a cemetery!
12. St. Paul. 19. My very first Apt. in Downtown St. Paul. Lowry Square.
13. St. Paul. 20. Living with girl I'd gone to High School with, in Highland Park. (Ooooh, should I look for her on Facebook??? BRB) (Nope, didn't find her...then again, her last name could have changed)
14. St. Paul. 21. Back to parent's house in East St. Paul.
15. Crap. Drawing a blank! Where did I go next??? Hmm, Oh, I remember..back to Minneapolis in Dinkytown because I was going to attend Horst (now known as the Aveda Institute). Even after dropping out (yup, you've all heard me say it, I'm a "beauty school drop-out" :P ) I stayed living in this rooming house because it was affordable even though it meant sharing a kitchen AND bathroom.
16. Minneapolis. 23. Moved in with a little old lady named Mrs. G who was a widow living by Cedar Lake in Minneapolis. It was a nice house (the decor hadn't changed since the 70's though). First time living with a dishwasher! She actually was gone most of the time I lived there because she was a snow-bird and was in FL or CA or AZ or something like that. I had a couple parties while she was gone, but nothing too crazy. I might have stayed but she was mean. I wasn't allowed to have overnight guests...even if they were gay and there was no hanky-panky. She also freaked out because I put knives with wooden handles in the dishwasher. Things just didn't work out. Later I found out she was developing Alzheimer's and she eventually went into a care facility.
17. Minneapolis. 24. (I was only at Mrs. G's for a few months). Franklin/Park in one of the 'hoods. Nice apt. with hardwood floors, new tiling in the bathroom and a non-working fireplace.
18. Minneapolis. 27. To lower unit of tri-plex with pal J. Can't remember who lived in the bedroom and who lived in the "dining room" first. J. eventually moved out and my brother, J moved in.
19. St. Paul. 31. Back to East St. Paul, back in with parent's who had lost the house & now were in an Apt.
20. Minneapolis. 32. Uptown w/S. Love that she is still my friend after living with me! Not that I was horrible but this is really when the hermit years began.
21. Minneapolis. 33. Downtown Minneapolis. S & I decided we wanted our own places & the place we had in Uptown made that decision easier. The apt. seemed great at first but turned out to be a nightmare & the management company total wankers.
22. St. Paul. 35. Moved into an Apt. on Grand Ave. in St. Paul in a building owned by B. I had lost a job & was behind on rent. Things really falling apart. I was so grateful I could do this because I couldn't go back with parent's again.
23. Minneapolis. 38. Current place in North Minneapolis. Was time to stop taking advantage of B & get my own place (even if I'm renting from someone else). Time to start standing on my own two feet again.

Well, what do you know? This was more than 18 by the time I was 36 & more than 20 now. Holy cow! No wonder I have very little possessions now. I hate moving. The less stuff I have, the better & easier it is to do.

Why am I choosing to think about all of this now? Well, daydreaming I guess. About what you might ask? Well, having my own house & never moving again. It ain't gonna happen though, not anytime soon 'cause my credit is bloody awful.

But the thought of making a permanent home ('cause for me, all things are permanent decisions in my mind even if the reality turns out to be different) is appealing in ways because should anything ever happen with B & his situation, well, duh! He wouldn't have to live in a dinky apt. where there was no room for his stuff, his tools! (Of course I shared this thought with him ...he just keeps listening to all these things that I think & just blurt out w/out thinking about it first and the reaction was neutral, as usual. Is that a good or bad thing? I like to think that seeds are getting planted. Oooh, that reminds me of another thing I want to blurt out to him, but this one I'm not going to share, sorry!)

It's not appealing though to think about the responsibilities of home ownership. My dear landlord/roommate J, B, my parent's when they had a house, other friends who've owned houses...kudos to them for doing it but I know it's hard. But that's just the immature me, scared me speaking. I'm sure the pros outweigh the cons...right? And there will have to come a time I grow up and cut the Peter Pan act (uh, I've never seen the movie, any of them, but have heard about them, so I am using this reference correctly right?)

So again, why am I thinking about all of this now? I don't know. Must be more of that taking-stock-of-my-life-as-I-get-even-closer-to-40 thing I've been doing lately.

Well, I'm content for now. Hopefully J doesn't have any current plans to change the status quo & I can just keep hanging my hat here while I continue to figure out my life.

Where To Begin...

Actually before I do this post I'm gonna go have a smoke. I'll be right back.

OK, so I'm back. So where to begin? Maybe I'll just talk about "Drop Dead Diva" ...a new show on Lifetime that's a new favorite. (Though the long, longing glances & stares are a bit much.)

I can't help but compare it with a show I loved, "Ally McBeal"...a series set at a law firm with interesting cases as seen from the point of view of a single, trying-to-figure-life-out-while-working-with-the-love-of-her-life-but-can't-be-with-him woman. In fact, now that I think about it, it makes me also miss another law show called "Kevin Hill" that I liked that wasn't as successful, ratings-wise & was canceled too soon...and maybe the latter is because one of the actresses on that show, Kate Levering (thanks google/imdb), played a lawyer on it and is now also playing a lawyer on "DDD".

Anyhoo. I'm likin' it and will keep watching. I haven't watched a series about a lawyer/law firm in awhile ...not sure why except the list of shows I watch and have been watching is already so long that I never made time for Boston Legal, etc. so what the heck. I'm ready to give the genre a try again (and maybe since I'm a HUGE James Spader fan I just might give Boston Legal a chance when I've got some time to catch up on yet another series)

It's almost the end of my Saturday and I've just been having a mellow day, just hanging out in my p.j.'s with only the animals to keep me company. I'm OK with that today. It's been a whirlwind of a week the past 7 days so I'm glad for some down time. Besides, Aunt Flo is finally here! Those lovely little tiny pills did the trick and now while I'm not looking forward to the reality (time for the old underwear to make an appearance), I'm looking forward to the "cleansing" out of my body, the lower back pain to become manageable again and my moods to get back to a fairly even keel.

My birthday this year was the best I've had in years...starting with that lovely birthday card from D (she called me a burst of sunshine! and gave me a gift card for itunes) to the fantastic/awesome/wonderful evening with B, followed by throwing a nice little get-together and spending time with some really great people. The back deck really is a nice spot to spend a summer evening. T even gave me a really cool necklace and that was so unexpected considering I haven't seen her in over 20 years! I was glad she was able to come over & hang out. I'm looking forward to spending time with her again.

The day of my actual b-day was good, even though I had to work. After work, I listened to my voice mail & had a nice b-day greeting from my friend S, who told me there was a gift certificate for me in my email (he's so flippin' generous. Just like a previous year, he got me another good-sized amount for amazon.com!) and then I got together w/I for some good company, conversation and yummy lasagna she had made. My roommate even got me a card & some yummy treats. What a sweetie. (Side note: it was the 1 year anniversary of my living here on the 27th...time flies when you're having fun right?) All in all, a nice way to end the passing of another year.

I really do love birthdays, especially mine. There is nothing quite like a day that is truly all about ME :P with no guilt at thinking I'm being self-absorbed or selfish.

I'm still displaying my cards (& the lovely flowers R got me) on my desk downstairs.

I feel so lucky, blessed, grateful & loved. It's amazing what happens when you poke your head out of your hole and reach out to people. I sometimes wonder why they all put with my hermit tendencies but I think it's 'cause they know it's nothing to do with them...they know that I think they are all fantastic, wonderful people. My heart just overflows with love just thinking about everyone.

But now, back to reality. What is the next BIG thing I'm looking forward to? Um, hmm. Have to think about that.

That is something that preoccupies me ...while I often need to just focus on surviving each day and getting from one moment to the next, I do like having something big to look forward to. Some event or occasion.

Maybe I'll finally stop talking about it and finally look into volunteering for something. I've been saying I should volunteer for years now but never seem to get around to it, having one lame excuse after another.

R is a big brother, I works with kids (well, it's a part-time job but still) and even B takes turns serving meals to the families at the Ronald McDonald house. I mean, what else do I do on my days off? Usually just veg out at home and while I need some veg time to recharge my "customer service battery", I don't need to devote 2 full days to it.

Or maybe this is just gonna be another coulda, woulda, shoulda thing I talk about like finding a new job or going to school.

When am I ever going to actually move forward in my life? What is holding me back from just taking one little step?

Yup, another birthday passing by & I'm reflecting on my life again. I should have seen that last paragraph coming from a mile away.

Well, I think this is enough for now. Besides, I want to go indulge my compulsion to spend every penny I "have" & go find some more goodies with my amazon gift certificate. :)

Don't Worry (Be Happy)

Just consumed by post-birthday life so haven't gotten 'round to proper post yet ...even this one is going to be short but sweet. If it wasn't 3:30am, I'd have more to say right now but I'm tuckered out and am going to crash. "Weekend" coming up soon and I'll have lots more juicy details for ya. (Or maybe not so juicy, but important nonetheless.) Stay tuned.

ttfn.

It's Almost That Time of Year Again

The time of year when another birthday is here. This year it's been wonderful so far (I've been sort of celebrating all week)...tonight was my b-day get together w/B and it rocked! Much better than last year. (Let's not even talk about it OK?) The year before that was great though...I had my dinner w/him & stuff - again, not on the actual day 'cause on the actual day I was working...but when I got home that night I had the loveliest of surprises waiting for me...a beautiful bouquet of flowers & vase (he even got the vase 'cause he knew I didn't have one...(this was one of the advantages of him being my landlord)...isn't it lovely when your love still has the ability to surprise you? I almost cried it was so sweet. He's been one of the very few who has been more than someone I just fucked...he's someone who is a boyfriend. He said later he wished he could have seen the expression on my face. Yeah, I'm sure it was priceless.

Anyhoo, back to tonight...can you believe in all of almost 40 years (& most of them in MN) that I've never been to Nye's? Yup. Well, can't say that anymore. He knew that I'd get a kick out of it because a. I'd never been there before b. it would be a nice setting for dinner with the dark, romantic lighting & candles and 3. the food is pretty good. (I couldn't decide what to order until I saw the word "bacon..." and that was it, no question about it) He even managed to take pretty good pics of us with my phone...I of course am DYING to add them to my Facebook page but will resist the urge with every fiber of my being (must protect his privacy best I can...it's bad enough I've talked about him...) Then on our way out, he took me through the bar and of course he indulged me again and we did the photo booth thing. So now I have some more pics of us together, even smooching in one. Yeah!

The night got better 'cause then I opened up the 2nd birthday card he got for me (I had opened the 1st one in the car before we went into dinner and it was just a funny, non-romantic one) and it was perfect. He was joking before I opened it that oh, yeah, I think I might have mentioned I love you and then I open it to find he's written I love you across the top like a 1/2 dozen times. Awwww.

We then had dessert back at my place and it was soooo good, I had several...reactions to it. ;)

Ah, life is good.

The day started off well too 'cause I got a b-day card from my oldest friend D where she said the nicest thing that just was what I needed to hear earlier today. I just had to call & thank her (but forgot to mention how much I appreciated what she said in the card...crap) and hopefully she will be stopping by tomorrow night...we had a nice chat...either way, I'm looking forward to getting together with her again, maybe for more yummy breakfast deliciousness from Mickey's (the one on West 7th, not the one downtown St. Paul)

So did I mention I'm throwing myself a party tomorrow night? I'm only slightly freaking out about doing this since I've not thrown one in about a decade. And it's very spur of the moment. I've been trying to get Saturday off, but with absolutely no luck so far, so Friday ended up working out instead because it turns out that this week was the quarterly "Voices that WOW" luncheon and I was invited (of course I was! :P LOL) and since it was happening on my RDO (that's regular day off in my work language) I was able to swap days off so that I worked that day and then got Friday off so...I hate that I couldn't give more advance notice to people...it'll just be what it is.

I used to really get a kick out of having a b-day party but the last few years, haven't felt like it...but I'm just gonna keep it simple...or so I think now. Who knows what inspiration will hit me when I'm at the grocery & liquor stores tomorrow (yes, must wait 'til paycheck is accessible otherwise would have done some shopping today.)

I was originally gonna just go crazy & buy tons of alcohol and food, but reality is that I'll have to be practical and not be irresponsible about this. Thanks to R, I'll have wine so for booze I'll just get beer, vodka & ?, soda, lemonade & water. For snacks, I think I'll let that be what is decided when at the store.

An old acquaintance T is coming. I haven't seen her in over 20 years. She and K were the first girls I met when my parent's started going the to the Kingdom Hall in St. Paul. She left before K or I did and we've recently gotten back in touch thanks to MySpace & Facebook.

So tonight...I should be continuing to do all the things on my list that I need to do before tomorrow, but I'm taking a little break.

I think I'm going to work on some playlists for the music and then get back to cleaning, sweeping, etc.

Just feeling so grateful for my life right now.

If I Think About It Too Much, My Head & Heart Hurt

Urgh, 1am and trying not to think about bad things...such as: (and of course putting it all out there defeats the purpose of not thinking about them but must vent)

1. Gunshots fired in neighborhood tonight as I sat out on back deck having a cig after I got home from work. Yup, they were gunshots and not fireworks. Cops still in the neighborhood checking things out. This not the first time either. Let's just hope no stray bullets find a way into the house and it's curtains for Sam (though that would sure solve a lot of problems...keep reading (Kidding. Really, I am!)

2. Realized too late that 35W North was closed on the way home ..though luckily able to get a hold of J.C. because the detour was not very clear and feared getting lost in the bowels of South Minneapolis near the airport. He's more familiar with Mpls. like my brother, having also driven truck for awhile. In talking w/him as I drove, found out he's still not working. He's so discouraged that joked if roommate didn't have guns locked up and he didn't have his kids...well, we know was he sayin'. How on earth are people surviving these days w/out work????

3. Email from cuz, A and he's still not working either. Was forced to move back in w/his parents up in Floodwood...and while that's not end of the world, what is, is that he can't live there unless he goes to meetings (his parent's are JW's). That's fucking blackmail and I really shouldn't be surprised to hear that. He's a grown-up but forced to do what they want or else. Fucking typical JW bullshit. Don't get me wrong, yeah, it's their house but there has got be some reciprocal respect. If he lives a responsible, respectable life why shouldn't he able to just live it as he likes? I'm soooo tempted to send my uncle a nice little email....

4. I have a pain in my neck, literally, from sleeping on it wrong the other night and nothing I do seems to help (can't afford chiropractor right now ...really can't)

5. I'm taking more drugs than usual because a. I want to have a period since it's been 8-9 months since I've had a good one and b. I'm tired of having a fucked up toenail. So now I've got extra hormones and more headaches than normal. Do I want a period and nice toenails that bad? Yeah...

6. Had conversation w/B the other night. Changing his situation would have serious financial and custodial repercussions. Initial reaction was "Fuck-I guess you don't love me enough" but now is acceptance because I get it. I definitely get the latter point. I would not want to get between a father and his daughter in any way shape or form. I've been informed that MN is a no-fault state but it doesn't guarantee the father doesn't get screwed over (uh, for the record, let's not talk about what affect the current status might have if things no longer remain the way they are and certain parties were in the know)...(and we're really not gonna talk about why it is that I can't be without him & find someone new)

7. Work is work, but am living with constant fear that if we don't vote union, at some point I'm gonna be out on my ass. While I'm really good at my job, that's not enough to save it for me and the union has protected it so far. I'm living on the edge and the FMLA I finally recently applied for was denied because my Dr. didn't turn the paperwork in on time (I can only assume that's why since I'm playing phone tag with them. My manager told me tonight that she got an email saying it was denied and we're thinking that's why...faxed 1 fucking day too late). I guess I didn't choose wisely in having my regular Dr. do the paperwork 'cause even though he's the one writing out my Rx for "happy pills" he's not the Dr. I saw when going through the worst of my "dark days". I only wanted the FMLA in case I had another episode that would overtake and consume me. I cannot lose this job. If it ends, it needs to be because I say so. I've lost a lot of jobs over the years and most of the time it wasn't my choice. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't working/employed. I don't think I would survive it. Having a job gives structure and some meaning to my life, even if it drives me batty some days.

I just feel so goddamn helpless when it comes to the unemployment situation for my family & friends. What can I do? Can I do anything? I know in regards to my own job, I just need to keep on keepin' on and get my ass to work, on time, every single day I'm scheduled to work. I can do it. Even if it means throwing some clothes on, hair in a ponytail and I'm out the door. Fuck the shower.

I know it's not all bad. I know I have to just keep focusing on the positive and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's all I can do.