Don't Should All Over Yourself

It's after midnight and I'm finally home after a looooooooooooong day. A good day, but a long one that started at 6am.

Up early for Dr. appt. and then for great breakfast & coffee meet-up with D and her sis L (who I haven't seen in years ...since she was a kid! Now a grown-up w/a kid. I feel old.)

Anyhoo, then onto work and another 8 hr day of the joy that is NWA/Delta. Then after to drop off old & new prescriptions at Walgreens.

Traffic home a bitch 'cause the Lowry tunnel closed (I knew I should have taken Lake St. over to Lyndale and then over to N. Mpls) ...will know better for tomorrow night.

Should now throw a load of laundry in, make the chicken salad I said I'd bring in for tomorrow and do dishes, but fuck it. I'm tired.

Will just goof around on internet for a bit and crash. I'll just have to get up a bit earlier tomorrow to make the chicken salad and I do still have some clean clothes to wear so laundry can wait another day. Dishes will just have to wait until I get home tomorrow night. It's finally "Friday". Thank god. No big plans for the weekend...so far...but who knows what it'll bring. I'm still hanging on to a bit of $$ from paycheck so maybe I'll go have some fun or something.

ttfn.

Hmm, interesting

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Get those creative juices flowing. Lately you've been doing a lot of crap that's likely to constipate your inspiration and creativity: mind-dulling shit like work, drunken partying, or just zoning out in front of the tube. No wonder there hasn't been much originality from you recently. Luckily, it's easy enough to jump-start your creative mind, through nothing so complicated as finding a muse, attending a workshop, or doing exotic drugs. It's just a matter of making time and space—ideally, by phasing out some of the shit that's obstructing your creativity and replacing it with exactly nothing. Your busy imagination, if you're patient enough, will do the rest.

---

The above is from Seattle Weekly/Sign Language and I think he might be on to something. I was just thinking last night that I do want to do more writing but haven't been...

Into the blue and out of it

I was getting sleepy and thinking about callin' it a day but then decided to check my email one more time before shutting down the computer.

WHAM! O M G! A message from Facebook saying that "XXX added you as a friend on Facebook..." a person that I didn't think I would ever hear from again, talk to again...a person who I've thought about on and off over the years.

Sit back and let me tell you story...

Once upon a time there was a young woman who was working at an arts organization here in the twin cities and she developed a mad crush on her supervisor...let's just call him X. He was very intelligent, sensitive, intellectual, funny and cute. She would write anonymous little notes in his ticket account and flirt, not caring that he was quite a few years older than her. There was reciprocal flirting that went on for quite awhile but that was it. When he gave notice, it bummed her out. At a going away party for him, some beer was consumed and a mini back massage was given to him by her.

They remained in touch because she ended up babysitting for him a couple of times (he was divorced). There was still a bit of flirting but it was just that.

Then one day he calls her and asks her to lunch. It's no big deal she thinks, even though she is a bit nervous because they hadn't really talked much outside of working together and talking about the kids.

At lunch he tells her that he's been thinking about her, that he wants her to move in with him. That he would treat her well. That he would respect her. That he would never hit her. (Whoa! Yeah, had almost forgotten about that last bit there...how could I forget that he said that?)

Call her fucking surprised and shocked. Intrigued, excited, confused, scared, bewildered, completely stunned...

It intrigued her because she had been beginning to wonder if she would ever find love, real love, not just more casual fucking around (she had deluded herself into thinking that sharing her body meant the man would fall in love with her)...

She hemmed and hawed a bit and then came to the conclusion (duh!) that they hadn't even had a date! They needed to have a date (or two. She thought she would know right away from a couple of dates if it was going to happen, meant to be. Oh, how naive she was!)

(Note: These are my best recollections of events and I'm not sure if I'll have them in the correct order or exactly right but I think you'll get the general idea)

So there was the date, or two. They were fine but it all just felt so strange. What are you supposed to feel when what you want is suddenly something you can have but then you're not so sure you want it after all?

One day they even watched "The Accidental Tourist" together because she wanted him to not only watch one of her favorite movies but get from it her favorite part which is where William Hurt's character realizes he wants to be with Geena Davis because of who he is when he's with her. She really wanted that for herself. To be with someone who she could be herself with and like the person she was when with him.

But in the end, she ultimately decided not to move in with him, or continue dating him because she knew it was wrong to be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right (yup, now a nod to another favorite movie "Some Kind of Wonderful"). (And yet she continued to wonder what it might be like, for a change, to be the person in a relationship who was loved more than she loved back? ("if you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with")

A little bit of time passes and they manage to keep in touch. At one point they hang out, there is wine and then there is sex (there was a LOT of wine) and then more indecision. She had the sex with him but wasn't sure if she wanted anything more from him. She struggled with the fact that she just didn't feel that way about him, even though she wished she did.

Around this time she also begins her soon to be long on-again/off-again relationship with B (yup, the same B that is my love now) and X becomes angry at her (letters were written) for choosing to be with this person who didn't treat her as well as he should have (B drove me to nickname him schmuck back then. He's not been that same man this time around) so one day she asks X why her? and doesn't get the answer she wants (she wanted to hear she was beautiful and sexy) so that, along with the fact that X doesn't seem to really get her or know her...it ends. That chapter of her life closes and she doesn't talk to or see X again.

Years pass and she wonders if she threw away her one chance at love and a real relationship. X was the only man to ask her to live with him (so far?) but it would have been based on/in fantasy not reality.

More years pass and she hears from a mutual acquaintance that X had been in a relationship but it had ended and she secretly is happy to hear about that. Maybe he is still carrying a bit of a torch for her? Does she get to be the "one who got away"?

And now today, he has found her on of all things, Facebook. Truly bringing people together isn't it?

She sees he says he lives with his love and she experiences a twinge of regret. She is happy for him though. He deserves love. It's only pure selfishness on her part that has had her wondering over the years if she really didn't lose out on a chance at great love and maybe even marriage.

----

Don't get me wrong, there is love with B but we all know it's not the kind of love I thought I would have. Not the kind I dreamed about as I read those romance novels. But it is what it is.

I sent X a message and I'll be curious to see if he replies back and what he has to say. Am I going to be able to hear about his love? Yes. It's childish and utterly ridiculous for me to want him to have been pining away for me all these years.

----

OK, now maybe I'll be able to fall asleep...now my "Sunday" and will hopefully do more than mope around the house feeling...blah. Was able to break up the blahs a bit though by catching up on the latest ep's of "Weeds" and "The Closer" followed by the first 2 ep's of the new season of "Torchwood: Children of Earth" (They've been airing in the U.K. this week and due to start airing on BBC America in a couple of weeks but I'm getting to see them now courtesy of the internet..Woo hoo!)

I joke on the phone about giving my all (my charm and wit...so they tell me) to my customers and then coming home and not talking to anyone but that's actually the truth most of the time. Sometimes it's a real effort to force myself into being sociable. (Having money for going out & having fun helps A LOT) Today was another not talk to anyone day/day off (except for brief chat w/B about meeting up tomorrow night) and I can't decide if I'm sad & disappointed about that or relieved.

I'm thankful I've got friends who tolerate my moodiness and hermit tendencies.

Nighty night.

Another holiday that DIDN'T suck

My parent's became Jehovah's Witnesses when I was about 13 and from that point on there were no more holidays being celebrated in our household. No Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, nothing. Not even birthdays were celebrated. Oh sure, the religion had/has logical reasons for it all but it sucked, big time.

I remember that I was a major brat that first year. Christmas and birthdays had been my favorites because we didn't have a lot of money and they were really the only times of year we got presents. So to go from that to nothin' was extremely hard.

I went along with it though, what else could I do? Living under their roof I wasn't about to cause trouble (I was a fairly good girl) and it wasn't so hard when the people you spent all your free time with, outside of the congregation and within, were all Witnesses as well. You could live in this bubble and not feel like you were missing out on all that much.

Fast forward a few years to when I went out on my own and left the religion (and that world) behind.

With not having celebrated holidays for so long, it was a struggle to figure out what I was going to do about that for myself. I distanced myself from my family as part of my need for independence and freedom from that life, but I wasn't ready to dive right into celebrating every holiday.

So as each holiday approached, most of the time, I got invites from various friends & spent Thanksgiving & Christmas with their families...which while being nice, didn't feel quite right and had me feeling like a bit of a freak because I wasn't spending that day with my own family. (Memorial Day, Independence Day and Labor Day weren't the same/didn't feel like quite as big of a deal and I enjoyed parties hosted by my dear friend S when he still lived in MN.)

As I grew more uncomfortable with being a "pity" guest (I know I wasn't but in a way I was) I decided one year to take myself to a hotel for Thanksgiving. I figured that I would see other people alone because they had been traveling and couldn't be with their loved ones. The following year (or was it the year after?) I was alone again and throwing myself one hell of a pity party as I ate my frozen turkey dinner (didn't have money for anything better, no hotel this time.) It was then I decided no more. I was going to ask (insist!) my parent's to at least have my brother and I over for the day and actually be with my family. This was only going to be for the biggies...Thanksgiving & Christmas. To my relief and pleasure, they agreed. (Thank goodness for the mellowing of attitudes they've had over the years. They're not hard-ass religious...zealots (for lack of a better word...can one still say that when one has access to a thesaurus?) anymore)

To this day, I'm not quite sure why I'm not just taking it upon myself to celebrate every holiday to the fullest extent and host my own parties/celebrations, send out cards and/or buy presents for everyone. I know others who have left the religion and have jumped right into celebrating but I just can't bring myself to do that too. Even before the 'rents stopped celebrating they'd been grumbling about the commercialism of it all. It was all about gimme, gimme, gimme. (I don't sit completely on the sidelines though because I do like to participate in secret Santa exchanges at work and wish others a happy holiday but that's about it ...between my indecision about what to do for what and for who and the usual lack of excess funds, I still haven't committed to a way of dealing with holidays once and for all.)

So for the past few years, I've been so happy to have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving and Christmas that feels right. With my interesting, strange, weird, exasperating, loving parents and brother. Sometimes we'll even have the regular T-day food on T-day (my parent's like to take advantage of turkey being on sale!) and even play games. I like that we have these specific days of the year where we do get together and have quality time together. God knows we don't make the time otherwise, plus the day off of work helps with the crazy hours I and my brother usually work.

Other holidays aren't as big of a deal but I still love when I can get together with people I care about and have good drinks, food and quality time.

That was definitely the case this year, as I happily had a good 4th of July. (Finally getting to the part where I talk about a holiday that didn't suck! :P ) (Actually last year was also good as I was in FL w/my aunt S and her family and I watched neighborhood fireworks going off as I lounged around in their pool!)

Anyhoo, this year it even got to start earlier than I originally thought because I managed to get the day off of work. I was able to touch base with some friends and the plan was made to spend some time with my friend I during the day and then hang out with R that evening.

Upon waking up that morning (OK, who are we kidding, it was about 1pm when I finally crawled out of bed) I had more lower back pain and decided to do a bit of googling on exercise for lower back pain (don't ask why I just didn't do that earlier) and found a couple of gentle, basic yoga stretching type exercises that I thought I would try. Then decided to pop in the tape of Just My Size yoga I had and try a bit of that. All good filler while waiting to meet up w/I.

It actually helped! I was able to enjoy the day more than I had otherwise.

Again, anyhoo, I and I went out for coffee. Happily, Starbucks (I had a gift card I wanted to use) and Caribou (they had the outdoor seating) were open so we spent a good couple of hours getting to know each other better as we enjoyed the beautiful weather (the rain that had fallen in the early afternoon seemed to stop as quickly as it had started). Then we went to her house to pick up her roommate who was going to join us both in hanging out w/R that night. While there, she let me go through some clothes that she was too small for now and I ended up with a nice couple of items that will work, including a beautiful, pink-ish leather blazer.

We stopped for food and snacks at Cub and then off to R's house we went. I had a little bit of money but I was generous and told me not to worry about it. I feel a bit bad about that. I had had a little bit of cash left but was unsure how to make it work for all the things that got planned on.

At R's place we had his (in)famous Margarita's out on the back deck and were surrounded by firecrackers and fireworks going off all around us in his neighborhood. Good drinks, good food, good conversation and good friends. What more could you ask for?

Another moment for me to savor and reflect back upon when feeling like life is crap. I have to remind myself again how fortunate I am in so many ways.

Ah. It's almost 3am now and I should really think about going to bed. I'm supposed to be having breakfast w/B in the am. Woo hoo! ;)

It's my Friday tomorrow and the real Friday this week is payday! I can hardly wait!

Aww shucks

Hulu.com just added "Rhoda" to their library of TV shows. I was super excited to see that because as a child of the 70's with a once-upon-a-time-feminist-mother, I always thought that show (from the handful of episodes I've managed to catch over the years) was going to be one of those shows that would showcase women as smart and independent.

While I knew that she meets and marries "Joe", I also remember that she doesn't stay married. So it didn't start off as being a show about a single woman but evolves into one -well a divorcee that is. I thought I would still find it interesting and hopefully be able to relate to the character but upon watching the pilot, I don't think that is going to be the case. It has 3 elements that I just don't care for in a show I'm going to invest time into.

1. The god-awful laugh track. For some reason I have a really low tolerance for them. The writing has to be so sharp & funny that I'm laughing along loudly enough that I don't hear it or can ignore it easily enough. This one? Nope. The dialogue wasn't that funny.

2. The character of her sister "Brenda" is moaning and groaning about how fat she is when she most certainly ISN'T (Not that I know sizes very well but she can't be bigger than an 12/14) and she is living in her sisters shadow. If I were to watch further episodes I think I would see that "Rhoda" is a good influence on her and maybe she stops beating herself up so much and stops letting her mother make her feel bad about herself but I don't think I can bear to watch it enough to find out

and lastly

3. The character of her meddling mother "Ida". That type of character has never appealed to me (that was one of my reasons for not watching "Everybody Loves Raymond"...I certainly didn't love him/it!)

I'm kind of bummed that it didn't live up to my hopes and expectations. It had nothing to do with it being the pilot (and one really shouldn't judge a show by it's pilot right?) but I think you just know when something's not for you and this wasn't for me. Oh well.

I guess it didn't help that I read the wikipedia page on it and knowing what happens in every season kinda ruins it...well, that's not always the case. I didn't get turned off of "Bones" by reading the wikipedia page first....

Anyhoo...

It's my weekend now and I'm so so happy about that. Sadly, though, it will be a normal schedule for me around this holiday. I thought I was getting the 4th of July off but nope. I'll take small comfort in getting paid double-time that day. And maybe celebrating will be going on still when I get off work and can go join in some fun somewhere...

I'm going to enjoy a lazy recharge-the-battery day tomorrow (uh, today) and then Thursday, hopefully have breakfast w/B (fingers crossed ;) ) then get together w/I that afternoon after she's done with work. The plan is to do something that involves being outdoors enjoying the fine weather ...well, hopefully fine weather, it's been crappy the last couple of days.

OK, I'm talking about the weather. I think that's a sign that I can just stop here for tonight and crash. (Well, it is about 4am...bedtime!)

Nighty night.

It Is What It Is

Sunday going on Monday and I'm really at a loss about what to write about tonight.

Do I report on my life for the last few days? Do I find some topic that will result in another brilliant essay by yours truly? (:P tee hee)

I don't know why I feel I have to be inspired to post and have it not be about boring stuff like "I went to work, then came home, blah blah blah" because this blog can be about anything I want it to be about right? (Uh, as usual, am I repeating myself?)

It's been a good few days...had a good weekend. On Wednesday, had B over for breakfast ( ;) ) then he took me out for dinner that night (I love love love that I was with him 2x's in one day!) Sure it was only McD's but considering I had to swallow my pride and ask him for gas money because using gas to meet him in St. Paul was going to use up what I needed to get to the credit union on Friday (payday, payday, payday!) I wasn't going to quibble.

He's such a dear to give me these little loans. I feel terrible asking but he's my boyfriend and it's OK to ask them for money once in awhile, right? Just $10 bucks now & then. No biggie right? He's confident someday I'll be a success aka have a much better paying job and won't be broke forever (I pray he's right!)

On Thursday I hung out at the house in the air-conditioned sanctity of my room and then after chatting w/R late in the afternoon, he talked me into leaving the house (he can always talk me into going out) And just like B, he was a dear soul and made the using of the gas in my car a non-issue by coming over and picking me up ...and then he even bought me dinner. We had some nice conversation and could have just talked all night but we ended up watching "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" (it was OK-I came home and googled the first 2 movies to refresh my memory and feel like I had the whole trilogy experience)

Why is it that I can accept generosity from some but not others? Maybe it has to do with how long I've known the person? Either way, I'm not thrilled that I have to be that person that is more often broke than not. I'm suddenly thinking of the movie "Friends With Money" which addressed a similar topic (just like that episode of "Friends" did oh so many years ago & how funny that Jennifer Aniston was in both?!) and just like those characters I'm blessed with friends who never make me feel bad about it and who can occasionally treat me.

Pride is an ugly thing though isn't it? I really want to be able to pay my own way with everyone but find myself swallowing it and letting myself just accept it when it's offered...most of the time. Sadly, this isn't the first time in my life I've been been in this situation financially. Working but not making very much.

I guess I maybe will ease up on beating myself up about this because there have been brief periods of time when I've been doing well and then I'm as generous as everyone else (really I swear it!) (I am even hopeful that I can arrange things so that not only will it be my b-day party that I will be hosting but I will provide all of the refreshments and food (don't worry, I won't go too crazy))

Out of curiosity the other night, I did look at some customer service jobs that were posted on various online sites and there wasn't anything that jumped out at me and said "APPLY FOR ME NOW!" Oh sure, there are some nice sounding customer service jobs out there but the thought of having to start all over again, learning new products, etc. Ugh. I'm just finally getting the hang of what I need to know for this job. I'm resisting change -including probably changes for the better because it just seems like so much work right now. That is of course lazy Sam talking. I need to tell her to hush.

Thinking about the possibilities of having a job that lets me not only make the best use of my talents (really truly sincerely want to help people and make them happy) but a job that has a lot more variety and challenge (not the everyday, constant challenge of trying to find award space using the least amount of miles) but challenges of finding solutions to problems (not life or death problems like flights delayed or canceled so people miss the holidays with their families & friends) and being creative in how I do it. I want the whole experience where I have a relationship (of sorts) with my customers from the beginning and throughout their experience with my company. Someone please tell me what job that is already! It has to exist somewhere but I just can't think of it. What can I sell that I firmly believe in as much as travel or the arts? Is there anything I could do that I could have as my own business and then not have to work for overpaid executives who reap the benefits of hardworking rats in the rat race?

Ah well, moving on...

So after doing the responsible thing with my check (rent/wireless), putting gas in the car and buying groceries, I'm doing my best to hang onto a little bit of cash so that I can get together with some friends on this upcoming "weekend" (I'll eventually forget to put the quotation marks on weekend 'cause y'all know that my weekends are during the week... :) ) (? - why is it that I'm usually determined to spend every single frickin' cent I've got in my pocket??? Seriously, there is no finding money in pockets, under sofa cushions or at the bottom of my purse EVER!)

Anyhoo, so now just working the last couple of days. It's now my "Thursday" and so far everything else uneventful (well in my life that is...not going to even talk about the passing of Farah & Michael...let's just be reminded we should tell our loved ones we love them all the time because we never know when they'll be taken from us :( )

I'm so happy it's cooled off a bit weather-wise. I have the air off and the window open, letting some nice fresh Mpls. air in.

Upward and Onward.

Moments

I just got done watching the last new episode of "The Unusuals". It was a cop show that began on ABC this past spring but did not get renewed for next season. All we got were 10 episodes. (I'm thankful that they decided to burn off episodes this summer otherwise we would have had only 6 and the last 4 were better than the first 6 or maybe I only think that 'cause I knew that was IT so I appreciated them more???) I'm so bummed it didn't get renewed. It was just hitting it's stride with characters you could care about and stories that were interesting and entertaining. While being a cop drama, it had heart and didn't take itself too seriously (I laughed out loud at moments -that to me is the mark of good writing!) It was a nice change from most other cop shows...

But sadly that's the nature of the TV biz isn't it? You find a show you love but all you're gonna get is that brief glimpse into this new world that some people have created. Then you just have to move on. It happens all the frickin' time.

Enjoying the moment, dreading the moment, moving on, letting go...all just part of the fun and excitement of life right?

Shows come and go.

People come in and out of our lives.

Why is change so hard when life is constantly changing?

I wanted to follow all that up with a deep, meaningful post about enjoying each and every moment we have when we're doing something we enjoy or when we're spending it with those we care about but in this particular moment all I want to do is go to sleep. (I was up 'til 5am the past couple of nights...uh, mornings) so I'm gonna let this just be as it is.

Maybe write about it again later.