The hardest thing still is being in my room. I can deal while I'm gone...at work. Smile and genuinely laugh and then come home, come up here and he's not waiting for me and I'm a wreck all over again.
I've got friends who want to talk to me...in person but I just can't do it. If we talk about it, I'm gonna have to relive it all over again (aren't I?) ....
*sigh*
I've decided to obsess over 2 new songs the past few days..last time was "I'd Rather Dance With You" by Kings of Convenience (still slightly obsessed with that one) and "Elevator Love Letter" by Stars...
This time around is 2 new songs by John Mayer, off the new album "Battle Studies" ...
Edge of Desire and
Heartbreak Warfare.
Both contain specific lyrics I'm soooo relating to right now...ah yes, I get it...it's another bit of misdirection to throw me off my grief!
First there was the anger at B for not being able to be with me last Thursday (D-Day) or Friday.
Now there is...observations? ... about how I feel about my relationship w/him:
(from Edge of Desire
Don't say a word; just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it; I'm scared you'll forget about me.
and
Heartbreak Warfare
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
----
You know here I go on and on about all of this and I'm totally just forgetting there are all sorts of tragic things going on in this world that are much worse than losing my best friend...
I'm not a news reader and usually avoid keeping up with major news stories but recently read just a tiny bit about the earthquake in Haiti and holy shit. I didn't realize it was as bad as it was. I thought people were making a big deal over something not really that big. Wrong!
I stopped reading the news years ago because it was just too depressing and with my propensity to "fall off the cliff" into a black hole, it's just too much. I just try to surround myself with things that I enjoy and distract me from dwelling on negative things and/or things that I can't change or control. But I can't live in this world without getting some of the "highlights" ...so Haiti.
Fuck. They need so much help. So many people/places need help. But so many also need help here.
*****
I've talked a bit over the years about volunteering ...but I'm sure just like with a lot of stuff in my life; school, new job, etc. it will be all talk and no action.
Bah. Meh.
Enough of THAT kinda talk. Be kind to yourself Sam. You CAN change what you want to change.
OK, where was I?
I'm really glad that Jen has animals. They are helping. Will I be willing to take even the smallest risk that this would happen again? Nope. Not now anyway.
Well.
Onward. With a stooping shuffle.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them