I'm not sure I'm going to be able to write this without crying but I need to do it. I've been crying all afternoon and have the WORST FUCKING HEADACHE ever. I just downed 4 ibruprofen and hope that does the trick.
I can barely stand to be in my room...finally came up here just now. I avoided it this afternoon because everywhere I look I'm reminded of him...but I wanted my bed and my pj's and sleeping downstairs while doable, is not as comfortable.
Today was the day I finally faced up to the reality of Louis and his failing health. The clincher was that last night, he could barely walk, not to mention a big open sore on his side. Jen and P'Bau were stellar in helping me bandage it up after putting iodine on it. Then Jen offering to help me out once again with the vet. (Who am I that I can't even get my financial shit together so that I don't have to be in this position?)
Last night we cuddled in bed together and he was just so lethargic and sleepy...he slept the night through by my head even, which is..was not his normal place to sleep on the bed...preferring the bottom corner by my feet...
Anyway, I got an appt. at the vet for 3:30pm. We hung out...my reading a silly book to just keep my mind off of what might have to happen and then off we went. Did I know that it would be the last time I would be carrying him downstairs and taking him for a ride? Probably. I was partly praying he was just sick and that it wasn't a big deal but I also knew that he was in really really bad shape.
The vet, a nice woman named Cynthia Fetzer, said he probably had cancer, on top of a mass in his abdomen and something else to do with his blood. So yes, I could have spent tons of money getting him tested and treating him but I made a kinder, for him, difficult, for me choice.
I took one last picture of him on the table and Dr. Fetzer (I'm sure just trying to help me feel better) said, look, he's saying thank you in the way he was looking at me. I'm going to choose to believe that. I knew that he was more than just sick and this really was the only choice. I told him I loved him and thanked him for keeping me from being lonely.
I stayed with him while they administered the sedative...watching him relax as I just kept stroking him broke my heart all over again, then they gave him THE injection and then that was that. His heart stopped beating and he stopped his labored breathing. I am glad I stayed with him. It was one of the, if not the most, hardest things I've ever had to do.
I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of crying eyes and when I go to sleep tonight I wonder if I'll feel him on top of me...he loved to come and lay on me when I was under the covers.
He loved to be waiting for me when I got home from work and would talk to me...often times I'd beg him for a just a bit of quiet so I could unwind in peace. Oh how I'd give anything to hear some of that chatter right now.
He was affectionate and sweet and oh so smart. And so so beautiful. He was a bit of an odd duck too in that there were certain things that freaked him out e.g. my putting hand lotion on. If he was on the bed with me when I would do that, he run and jump off and go elsewhere.
He loved to run from side to side in a frantic rush...as if something was chasing him and then he'd just stop. He used to hide out whenever anybody he didn't know came over but as the years passed, he became less scared and would let new people pet him.
Oh sure, we had some challenging years there when I lived on Grand Ave. in St. Paul when we went through a phase (OK, it was a years long phase) of letting me know he was unhappy with the lack of attention by leaving me "presents" by the front door. (Another reason to be happy to then be living somewhere with wood floors!) And maybe I wasn't the most responsible mother in that I didn't take him to the vet for regular check-ups but I loved him best I could.
How am I gonna stand his not being here? I really truly feel like I lost my best friend. The one thing in this world that saved me from being truly alone, on my own.
I know he's in a much better place now and that is a comfort. No more pain. No more hanging around just to hang around for his human who was too stubborn to let him go. But fucking A. Why does it have to hurt so much?
Rest in peace Louis, rest in peace. You will be missed.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them